I really like how you keep the action going in this. Also, your characterizations are very vivid, and give me a sense of who these people are, just by merit of what they're doing and how they're doing it. It needs a little tightening, but I cannot wait to see where the action is going!
Thanks...I know it needs work. I am putting things up here unedited, mostly, and am working on it later. This means, of course, that it will be completely out of order! Its going somewhere, and even I am not yet sure what that means.
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