Explanation
Last Friday I said that those would be my last words on the mess.
Well, I lied.
This morning when I woke up, Gwendal was still asleep. So I decided to go to the grocery store so I could stock up the refrigerator. One can only eat take-out food for so long...so I got in the car and drove over, letting him sleep. I got all of the food we needed for the next year, practically, and was ready to check out, when...
Someone recognized me. For the worse, of course. First I heard whispers but I didn't think too much of them. Then one came up to me. Then another. Then more...at first I tried to answer a few questions, but then so many came, so I just...ran out. Left everything I was going to buy, and ran. Because this is all too much. I don't mind meeting people and answering questions if they're polite, and it's at a show or something. But I hate it when people crowd around you like you're some kind of animal, throwing questions at you without any thoughts that you might have feelings too.
I actually broke down and cried when I got back to the car. I'm questioning pretty much everything now. If this is how the world views me, when I look back on our career, what do I have to be proud of? Both of our Olympic medals are tainted to the general public. Bronze in 1998 and gold in 2002. I don't KNOW what goes on behind the scenes. I don't KNOW who deserved the bronze in 1998. I don't want to get into it either, that happened four and a half years ago. And in 2002, pretty much everyone thought we deserved to win, and yet this comes up to taint our win. I guess I can be proud of the 2000 season; we won everything that whole season except for the Original Dance at Worlds.
But I'm getting off the subject. When I got back to the house, Gwendal was in the shower, so I took my skates, hung them up, grabbed some stuff (no no no, I'm not leaving for good!!), and just left.
Yes, I hung up my skates.
For the time being.
I need a break from the ice. For a little while. Will it call me back? Oh, I have no doubt. When, I don't know, but for now my skates are in the closet. I will probably go out and skate for the sake of skating from time to time, but again, I don't know when. I used to think that any sacrifice would be worth it to get the Olympic gold. Anyone who's ever watched me practice knows that I am a very determined person. When I want something, I want it NOW, not tomorrow, not in half an hour, but NOW. So then I got the Olympic gold, and I made some sacrifices on the way, but I thought it was worth it.
Now, I'm not so sure. And that is why I hung up my skates. Yes, I am the Olympic Champion. Yes, I am the World Champion. Yes, I am famous. But what has it done for me?
I'm actually writing this from the computer at the library. Gwendal doesn't know where I went, so he's probably worried. I should go now.
Marina
PS: I really should dye my hair before going out in public...:)