How to Identify a Crazy Bitch (male or female)
Stolen from hps_sterling. Feel free to repost or link to my journal.
This is possibly the most needed blog in the history of mankind but alas, here is probably not the quick fix we all seek. But I do have an idea, so I'mma gonna hash it out here.
There is one simple and almost sure-fired way to ID a Crazy Bitch (CB). It never ever ever fails. Never. And who doesn't want a fail-proof strategy, no? Ok, are you ready?
Time.
Time. That's right, time. The only 100% sure fire way to ID a CB is to get to know them over TIME. This, however, leads to another problem and it may be the core problem of us getting involved with CB's.
We don't take this time to get to know people before letting them into our inner circle because we WANT to believe, we WANT phamily, we WANT a close knit tribe to rely on and so we mistakenly get taken in by the "ooohhh shiny" that new people give off. The problem is that sometimes the shiny hides toxicity. Everyone wants to think they have a good people-dar, but seriously? We don't. There is no shortcut for bonding, it takes time.
I can only speak from my personal experience, because to generalize would be to open myself up to "The Exception to the Rule" debate (i.e. "Well, I met so and so and we got married in 13 hours and we're FINE!), or sound like I'm trying to tell people how to live their life. That isn't the case, but I can tell you what worked for me and you can take from it what you will.
So, time. The easiest way to avoid getting sucked into CB drama is to keep your personal boundaries and distance for about six months. That doesn't mean avoid them and spy on them or something, but seriously...don't make someone your bestie or your primary SO if you haven't known them awhile. CB have this amazing ability to read people and figure out what they need and then appeal to it so they look PERFECT...but it's a facade and facades crack. Inevitably there is the drama. So, if you understand this concept, you will understand why it is important to be firm in your personal boundaries and be patient.
If someone is meant to be a good friend or an SO, taking the time to really get to know them will only deepen what you have. If they are a CB, it is highly unlikely that they will be able to stay sane for six whole months.
I can tell you that I actually do have a time based boundary system for dating because I used to be the idiot who threw themselves frantically into every new relationship. This is what works for me, and I'm sharing it as such, not as what I think others should be doing.
Step One: Realize I am romantically interested in someone. Ohhhh!
Step Two: Spend a minimum of three months getting to know them as a friend.
Step Three: Spend a minimum of three months casually dating (non-exclusive) to see how things go. (I do not have sex in this time because I'm not always sure if this is a CB and I don't have sex outside of poly-fidelity committed relationships.)
Step Four: Spend a minimum of three months exclusively dating before sex is an option.***
***If you think someone is a CB, but aren't sure...DO NOT STICK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Contrary to popular belief, I haven't fucked a CB in about 10 years because I understand how much more fucked up sex can make a CB situation. I would rather err on the side of caution than risk any fallout from fucking a CB.
There is a bit more to it after that, based on relationship progression but it gets branched out based on type of relationship, if people can move, and a few other factors that don't really relate much to determining if someone is a CB.
There are some other things you can do, too. There are indeed some signs that will possibly indicate someone is a CB:
1. If you've read my LJ post about Toxic People and you get the willies after reading the Wounded Dove section because that sounds JUST LIKE...him/her, more than likely you have a CB on your hands.
2. If you cannot have a disagreement with them without it being WWIII.
3. If they cannot take criticism without hysterics.
4. If they play attention seeking or passive/aggressive games.
5. If they have the maturity of a 13 year old mean girl.
6. If they won't let old drama go and talk about it every chance they get.
7. If they need "rescuing". Seriously. No, really. I'm not fucking kidding. Suddenly homeless, in dire financial straits, etc.
8. A pattern of online drama. It seriously isn't hard to read the archives of someone's tweets or LJ feeds and it can be quite revealing.
9. A sense of entitlement (I'm a princess dammit and you will recognize!)
10. I might get flamed for this one, but it is true: A history of psychiatric/mental illness. We all know people who have mental illness who are doing fine and are great people, but every single CB, MALE OR FEMALE, I have ever met has had a long history of mental illness of a particular type: the dramatic, attention seeking, extremely self-destructive type that is typical of Borderline Personality Disorder.
That is all that is coming to mind right now, but I'm sure there are more things that will set off warning bells. The biggest thing is to be patient when getting to know new people and resist the urge to dive in face first because they are just so shiny and you've never met anyone who understood you so well and and and and...no pumpkin no.
This is possibly the most needed blog in the history of mankind but alas, here is probably not the quick fix we all seek. But I do have an idea, so I'mma gonna hash it out here.
There is one simple and almost sure-fired way to ID a Crazy Bitch (CB). It never ever ever fails. Never. And who doesn't want a fail-proof strategy, no? Ok, are you ready?
Time.
Time. That's right, time. The only 100% sure fire way to ID a CB is to get to know them over TIME. This, however, leads to another problem and it may be the core problem of us getting involved with CB's.
We don't take this time to get to know people before letting them into our inner circle because we WANT to believe, we WANT phamily, we WANT a close knit tribe to rely on and so we mistakenly get taken in by the "ooohhh shiny" that new people give off. The problem is that sometimes the shiny hides toxicity. Everyone wants to think they have a good people-dar, but seriously? We don't. There is no shortcut for bonding, it takes time.
I can only speak from my personal experience, because to generalize would be to open myself up to "The Exception to the Rule" debate (i.e. "Well, I met so and so and we got married in 13 hours and we're FINE!), or sound like I'm trying to tell people how to live their life. That isn't the case, but I can tell you what worked for me and you can take from it what you will.
So, time. The easiest way to avoid getting sucked into CB drama is to keep your personal boundaries and distance for about six months. That doesn't mean avoid them and spy on them or something, but seriously...don't make someone your bestie or your primary SO if you haven't known them awhile. CB have this amazing ability to read people and figure out what they need and then appeal to it so they look PERFECT...but it's a facade and facades crack. Inevitably there is the drama. So, if you understand this concept, you will understand why it is important to be firm in your personal boundaries and be patient.
If someone is meant to be a good friend or an SO, taking the time to really get to know them will only deepen what you have. If they are a CB, it is highly unlikely that they will be able to stay sane for six whole months.
I can tell you that I actually do have a time based boundary system for dating because I used to be the idiot who threw themselves frantically into every new relationship. This is what works for me, and I'm sharing it as such, not as what I think others should be doing.
Step One: Realize I am romantically interested in someone. Ohhhh!
Step Two: Spend a minimum of three months getting to know them as a friend.
Step Three: Spend a minimum of three months casually dating (non-exclusive) to see how things go. (I do not have sex in this time because I'm not always sure if this is a CB and I don't have sex outside of poly-fidelity committed relationships.)
Step Four: Spend a minimum of three months exclusively dating before sex is an option.***
***If you think someone is a CB, but aren't sure...DO NOT STICK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Contrary to popular belief, I haven't fucked a CB in about 10 years because I understand how much more fucked up sex can make a CB situation. I would rather err on the side of caution than risk any fallout from fucking a CB.
There is a bit more to it after that, based on relationship progression but it gets branched out based on type of relationship, if people can move, and a few other factors that don't really relate much to determining if someone is a CB.
There are some other things you can do, too. There are indeed some signs that will possibly indicate someone is a CB:
1. If you've read my LJ post about Toxic People and you get the willies after reading the Wounded Dove section because that sounds JUST LIKE...him/her, more than likely you have a CB on your hands.
2. If you cannot have a disagreement with them without it being WWIII.
3. If they cannot take criticism without hysterics.
4. If they play attention seeking or passive/aggressive games.
5. If they have the maturity of a 13 year old mean girl.
6. If they won't let old drama go and talk about it every chance they get.
7. If they need "rescuing". Seriously. No, really. I'm not fucking kidding. Suddenly homeless, in dire financial straits, etc.
8. A pattern of online drama. It seriously isn't hard to read the archives of someone's tweets or LJ feeds and it can be quite revealing.
9. A sense of entitlement (I'm a princess dammit and you will recognize!)
10. I might get flamed for this one, but it is true: A history of psychiatric/mental illness. We all know people who have mental illness who are doing fine and are great people, but every single CB, MALE OR FEMALE, I have ever met has had a long history of mental illness of a particular type: the dramatic, attention seeking, extremely self-destructive type that is typical of Borderline Personality Disorder.
That is all that is coming to mind right now, but I'm sure there are more things that will set off warning bells. The biggest thing is to be patient when getting to know new people and resist the urge to dive in face first because they are just so shiny and you've never met anyone who understood you so well and and and and...no pumpkin no.