You let me believ you were someone else Chapter 5 - Where do I belong?
Title: You let me believe you were someone else
Author: Mark_angel01
Rating: PG13 for now will go higher eventually, warnings will be put before the chapter though.
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Characters: Jared, Jensen, Chris Kane, Tom welling, Mike Rosenbaum, Sophia Bush, Chad Murray, Sandy McCoy, Steve Carlson, Jeffrey Morgan, OFC, OMC.
Warning: This is male/male pairing so if you don't like then please leave, it is AU and the boys are 16, very low rating to start but will eventually get higher, so may be underage depending on where you live. There will be violence in future chapters but I will warn before a chapter.
Disclaimer: If I owned them I would force them to admit their love for eachother, which is so obvious, sadly i do not even own a strand of their hair.
Summary:
"Your secrets did this .... you did this. You let me believe you were someone else ..... I feel like I don't even know you.
Jared is 16 and hiding a dark past, Jensen is drawn to him, what will happen when secrets are revealed. Read to find out.
Story notes: My wonderful Beta reader is Basez dreams, any mistakes left are my own doing.
This is going to be a long story, I have some chapters written and will post weekly so there is not a long time between updates
Chapter notes : Sorry for the long delay guys I am moving home and have no internet access so i'm having to borrow it to get this posted.
Chapter 5 : Where do I belong ?
Laurie watched Jared from the kitchen window. The back yard was often a source of comfort for many of the kids that came here. It was one of the reason Laurie had insisted on buying the house. The yard was large with many trees and flowers, and it seemed to have the ability to calm people and give them a sense of freedom. She had watched many children escape into that garden when things got too much.
She wondered what had driven Jared there. She knew it could be the fall out from being left here, yet she worried that Jensen may have upset him. Jensen wasn't usually a mean boy; actually, compared to Chris, he was a saint. He really cared about how people felt despite his carefree exterior, and so she found it difficult to imagine him upsetting Jared. Besides, she had seen him taking boxes out of Jared's room and he had told her he thought Jared just needed some space.
She had no reason to doubt him. Jensen trusted her and had done for a long time. He was no longer her patient, but they still talked a lot. She knew he felt comfortable talking to her now, as when she had started treating him, it had been like pulling teeth. He had been painfully shy back then, and the trauma he had suffered had left him withdrawn and scared of people. It had taken a long time to get him to open up, but once he did, he healed quickly. He was strong and didn't dwell on the past. Still, the effects had lingered in different ways; he stuck to his own friends and didn't let people in easily.
So it was surprising to see the way he had taken to Jared, and she felt torn over that. Jensen had told her a while back that he thought he was gay. At first, he had found it hard to accept and had blamed his past for making him ‘abnormal‘. After much work on both parts, she had got him to a place where he was comfortable with it. But, even though he had made leaps and bounds into accepting who he is, he had failed to tell his friends or start dating. She knew Chris and Sophia had a good idea that he was gay, but still Jensen tried to hide it. It was fairly obvious that Jensen had started to get a crush on their new house guest, and it concerned her greatly.
Jensen needed his first relationship to be a good experience, full of love and trust; but she just wasn't sure Jared was capable of giving that to him at this point in his life. Jared was unstable and unable to maintain a relationship with his own family, let alone with anyone else. The crime itself raised concerns. He was accused of some horrific crimes, not that she believed he was responsible for them, especially in the way they were accused. But Jared had admitted to one of the crimes, the worst one, and he never tried to defend himself. Despite wanting to help Jared, she knew she had to keep a level head and determine whether Jared may or may not actually be guilty of some of the crimes.
She really didn't want Jensen to get heartbroken. He deserved to be happy, but she just knew if he let himself fall for Jared he would be in for a world of hurt. Still, it wasn't for her to get involved. She had hoped that they could form some kind of friendship, as that is something they both needed. Jensen would make a good friend to Jared; she just hoped his crush passed once he realised Jared wasn't interested.
Some part of her argued that Jared had also seemed interested, but the difference between the two was he had pulled away and shut those feeling down. She hoped that it stayed that way, mostly because she just couldn't see it surviving, not when Jared had so many problems to work through and deal with. Laurie wondered if pushing that friendship would be the best thing.
She couldn't help but feel guilty at the way she had written Jared off as not good enough for Jensen, just like everyone else in Jared’s life. No, she wouldn't do that. There was a reason he was here and she believed in him. If things developed between the two boys, then she would not interfere. She would just be there for them both.
As she looked at the lonely boy under the tree, she remembered a 13 year old Jensen sitting in the exact same place, so sad and lonely. It was ironic that they had both chosen the same place to go when their lives got too much. Maybe it meant something more. Right now, though, she wouldn't worry. More than likely, it was just a small crush.
Michael's arms wrapped around her and she smiled, drawn away from her thoughts as she leaned back into that warm embrace. No words were needed; she knew it was their way of clearing the air. Things had been tense lately between them, arguments about Jared being the main catalyst. But when it came down to it, he was always there for her, and she had every faith he always would be.
*********
Jensen could tell Chris was pissed at him, only he was pretending to not realise. He wasn't going to give his best friend a good excuse to start bitching at him. Instead, he focused on his assignment, ignoring the glare that Chris kept burning into him every now and then when he got bored of the TV.
He knew what it was about, which was part of why he was avoiding talking about it. He couldn't defend himself, and the excuse that Laurie had asked him to go sounded weak, even to his own ears. He just hoped Chris kept up the silent anger, as he really didn't want to face lots of questions. Today had been confusing as Hell for him. He had never felt so much so quick before, and it made his head spin.
He tried to ignore the need to go find the tall guy that had his head so busy. He knew, though, he needed to take a step back and keep cool. He doubted Chris would keep silent if he continued to trail the new guy like a lost puppy, and Hell, he wasn't far gone enough to humiliate himself that much. He decided the best way was to play it cool, to not force anything. He had been too eager today, which was out of character for him. That was probably why Chris was glaring at him every chance he got.
"So where's your new friend?" Obviously Chris had grown tired of the silent glares.
Jensen took his time closing his books before looking at his friend. "Is that what this is about? You jealous or something?" He knew he had said the wrong thing when Chris blushed; he never blushed.
"Fuck no, Ackles. I'm not like that."
Jensen glared at his friend as he got to his feet. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
Chris looked like a trapped animal, and Jensen would have found it funny if he wasn't so pissed at his friend right now. It was obvious his friend was trying to refer to him being gay, but all he had managed to do was make Jensen believe how much it disgusted him. It was one of the things he was afraid of happening. Chris may have had an idea he was gay, and had seemed cool with it, but since he had seen Jensen possibly interested in another guy, he was freaking out. What would he be like if Jensen started dating?
Would his best friend make excuses to leave the room? Would he stop hanging out with him? Would they lose their friendship?
He didn't give Chris a chance to answer him. "I was talking about friendship, not about how ‘normal’ you are and how ‘abnormal’ I am.”
His words had Chris gaping at him like a goldfish. "Dude, that isn't what I meant. Fuck Jensen, you should know me better than that.”
His friends words helped to calm him down enough to realise he was overreacting, again, something he rarely did. He knew it was his own fears making him react this way. He didn't want to lose his best friend just because he liked guys. Still, saying that to said best friend was easier said than done; they didn't do chick-flick moments.
So instead, he nodded and sat back down, hand held up when Chris tried to explain himself. "Look, just forget it."
Chris looked like he wanted to argue or say something more, but instead, he just nodded. "So, are we cool?"
Jensen smiled at that, a little relieved and threw a cushion at his friends head. "Yeah, we’re cool, idiot."
The cushion hit his friend in the head, and he knew war was coming. Sure enough, seconds later, Chris was tackling him to the floor. They were way too old to play-wrestle, but it was their way of having the ‘chick-flick moment’ without the awkwardness. That, and despite both being 16, they were still like 10 year olds most the time when they were together. It was something Jensen would never grow tired of.
*********
Jared wasn't sure how long he sat under the tree staring into the distance, not seeing anything but memories. His leg ached like a bitch and his ass was cold and numb, and yet somehow, the physical pain he felt was a comfort. He felt so numb lately that he was sure he wasn't real anymore, that he was fading away. Pain reminded him he was still here, still very much alive.
It was the pain that bought him back to the present, and he realised he should be getting back to the house. He was sure it was almost dinner time, not that he felt hungry. He didn't get hungry anymore. He just ate to fuel his body. He used to love food and eat for pleasure; his big love was candy, but not anymore. He found no enjoyment in anything, anymore.
He struggled to his feet and slowly made his way back to the house. He wished he could avoid everyone, but as he got near, he knew that would be impossible. He watched the family of four getting ready for dinner with ease, each seeming to know their own role as they worked. Laurie was dishing up the food, Michael putting the plates and dishes on the table, Chris was on the drinks and Jensen was setting the table.
He hesitated outside the kitchen door wondering where he fit in to all this. There was no place for him here and it was obvious. He tucked the photos into his cast and hung his head, not wanting to meet anyone’s eyes as he entered the kitchen. He could tell his presence was noticed by all, as the easy banter between them more or less died for a few seconds.
Laurie was the first to recover. "Jared, honey, dinner is almost done. I hope you’re hungry. It's Mexican night."
He nodded and tried to ignore the eyes he could feel on him, even as they resumed conversation. "Thank you. I just need the bathroom." He stumbled off before anyone could object.
Laurie's soft voice followed him. "Ok, don't be too long or there won’t be anything left with these three."
In truth he wished he could hide out in the bathroom throughout dinner, he wasn't prepared for the family atmosphere he had just felt. He knew he was coming to a care home, but he wasn't expecting this. It was too similar to how his family used to be.
Jared splashed his face with cold water and briefly glanced at his reflection. As he stared, he saw that he barely recognised the person looking back, and it had nothing to do with the cuts and bruises on his face. His eyes were haunted, deep shadows clouding the hazel hue of his irises. He stood witness to the demons raging inside him, unable to look away.
******
Jensen had noticed the moment Jared entered the kitchen and so had everyone else. He saw how this made the taller boy uncomfortable, so he started talking about the Impala again. Soon, Michael and Chris were talking again, and Jared made a quick getaway. Jensen was only half listening to the conversation, his real focus being on Jared.
He saw how awkward this all made the guy feel, and he understood how strange it feels to be with a family and not be a part of it. He remembered a few situations where he felt like an outsider and it had hurt to feel that way. He wanted to reach out to him, but didn't want to push him. Jared's whole demeanour shouted ‘stay the fuck away from me’, and he didn't want to upset him and ruin any chance of a friendship.
"How was he earlier?" Laurie had managed to guide him close to her whilst Chris and Michael talked cars.
Jensen smiled and began helping Laurie. He had always found her easy to talk to. "I think he is finding it difficult. It must be hard, new place; new people."
Laurie nodded and handed him some food to dish up. "The first day is always the worst. I'm glad you’re making an effort hon; just do me a favour?"
Jensen stopped what he was doing to look at Laurie. Her voice had dropped and she sounded concerned. "Just don't push him. I know you mean well and Jared could use a friend like you, but it's just Jared is... Well, he’s a unique person and he has a lot to deal with. Those things could make him a little difficult to be around. Just give him time, ok?"
Jensen felt himself blush as Laurie spoke. She was obviously on to him and was trying to give him advice. "No problem." It wasn't that he didn’t appreciate the advice; Hell, it was to the contrary. Laurie rarely interfered unless it was needed, and he valued her opinion; plus she knew Jared better than he did, so she knew how he needed to be handled. A mischievous grin crossed his face. "Of course, I could get to know him better if you let me read his file."
Laurie managed to hit him with the dish cloth despite his hasty retreat the moment he spoke. She was laughing though. Laurie knew Jensen would never do anything like that. He respected her and her job too much, so she knew he was just teasing. She knew he was just as curious as Chris; still, she was glad Jensen seemed to take on board what she said.
As they all moved to their usual chairs at the table, Jensen stood back up. "I'll go tell Jared it's ready."
Chris muttered under his breath, "let him starve," and promptly received a kick from Laurie .
Jensen grinned and walked down the hall, knocking on the bathroom door. "Hey Jared, we’re all waiting on you. Everything ok?"
It took Jared a few moments to realise someone was talking to him. "Yeah, be out in a sec. Go ahead and start without me."
Jensen smiled. He had expected that one and figured Jared planned to hide in there until dinner was over. "No can do, man; Laurie’s orders."
Jared sighed and tried to bring himself back to reality. Since ‘that night’, he had started spacing out more and more. He tried not to let himself be consumed by his memories as they were too painful. He shut them out, effectively blocking them from his consciousness and let himself drift in a sea of emptiness. He blinked his eyes and took a deep breath, knowing he had to face the music.
He pulled the door open and avoided looking directly at Jensen. "Thanks. I just lost track of time," he mumbled his words and flushed as he felt those green eyes on him.
Jensen wondered if he was allowed to think ‘adorable’ when looking at a guy that was taller and more built than him, with bruises and dead eyes. He figured the answer would be ‘no‘. Only, he couldn't help it. This guy screamed out for a hug and damn if he didn't want to just give him one. Deciding that would probably get him into trouble with Jared's fists, he stomped down the desire. "No problem man. Let’s go eat."
As he led the way, he wondered when he had become such a touchy-feely person, because that was not him. He rarely wanted to give hugs to his friends, let alone a guy he barely knew. He couldn't understand why this guy bought out the overprotective side in him. Sure, he was attracted to Jared, but this felt deeper. That was crazy, because he didn’t even know him.
********
Jared closed his bedroom door feeling relieved to have the constant noise stop. Dinner had been slow torture for him. He had to focus hard not to drift off, and he had to keep control of his emotions. He had managed to eat some of the food, which he was sure tasted great, but to him it tasted like saw dust.
Laurie had excused him from the chores so they could chat. She had promised that it was nothing intense, just her checking in with him. He managed to mumble he was doing ok. Laurie had let him know they would have a therapy session tomorrow and physio Monday after school. She let him know that she would be with him for his first day to help him get his schedule organised. He had barely responded to her, but inside he was panicking. Therapy was going to be tough; he couldn't talk about how he felt, he just couldn’t. He had hated physio with a passion, and was always left wondering why he needed to get his leg better when it would always be weak.
The real panic, though, came from hearing about school.
Now he was safely in his room he let his head drop back against the door and let himself freak the fuck out, because he could not handle school. He knew it would be too much. He had managed to keep a tight lock down on how he felt; how he was doing. Being around kids his age all day, being teased, pointed at, bullied…he would lose it. He couldn't do that; he was dangerous when he lost it. Fuck. Why couldn't he be home schooled, or at least excused? It wasn't like he would need an education in prison, anyway.
He could feel himself slowly losing control as he thought about it more and more. He would be the new guy, the loner, the freak...
A small knock interrupted his thoughts.
Jensen felt unsure as he knocked gently. He had agreed to back off, but he just wanted to let Jared know he was here. "Jared, you have a sec?"
Jared opened the door and carefully avoided the smaller guys gaze. "Sure." He could still feel the panic in him as he reluctantly met Jensen's piercing eyes.
His breath caught as Jensen looked into those eyes again and saw the depth of emotion. Fear was clearly the winning emotion shining in Jared’s eyes. "Just bought you these," he held up the two pillows, feeling at a loss for words.
Jared stared dumbly at the pillows as he got control of his feelings, before looking at Jensen, his mask back in place. "Thanks."
Jensen felt unable to breathe as Jared looked at him again, his eyes blank. He didn't miss the confused tone to his ‘thanks’ and smiled. "I just figured you could use extra support for your arm and leg. I had an injury a while back and, well, I just thought..." He trailed off and held the pillows out in front of him, feeling himself blush.
Jared took the offered pillows, feeling a little put out. Jensen was obviously a really nice guy, even if it was only pity he felt for him. He obviously wanted to help people out, so when he looked at Jensen again, he allowed a small smile. "Thanks."
Jensen was taken aback by the smile. It didn't reach his eyes, but it was a gesture and that was all he cared about. Grinning, he rubbed the back of his neck. "No problem."
He went to walk away, but stopped at the last minute. “I heard Laurie mention school earlier…we’re in the same year, so I figured it will be cool to hang out, I mean, that’s if you want to. You should meet the other guys and Sophia." He knew he was rambling, but couldn't find it in him to care. Remembering his warning about not pushing it, he backed away. "Anyway we can talk more tomorrow. Sleep well."
A small bud of hope was growing in Jared's chest. Maybe he wouldn't have to face school alone. He wouldn't fit in, but he wouldn't be alone. He wanted to thank Jensen and show him how grateful he was, but he couldn't. Instead, he nodded and mumbled "night Jensen" before closing the door.
He stumbled towards his bed and decided to use Jensen's pillows to sleep on and the others to support his arm and leg, telling himself it was just because they were softer, nothing else. They had supported his leg and arm in hospital and it had helped, and yet he hadn't given his comfort another thought until Jensen mentioned it.
He struggled out of his clothes, swallowing some tablets for the pain and to help sleep, before sliding into the comfortable bed.
It took him a while to get comfortable, but eventually he sank back into the soft pillows. He was bone tired, but knew he had to wait for the tablets to kick in. He wished he could sleep without them, but he couldn't, no matter how tired he got. Even with the tablets, his sleep was interrupted with nightmares or insomnia. Sometimes he just woke up in a cold sweat, other times he just woke up knowing he would not be able to sleep. He used to love sleep, he would cling to every extra second he could get before having to drag his ass out of bed. He loved lying in on weekends and holidays. Just another thing that was gone.
Sighing softly, he took a deep breath, willing his body and mind to relax. As he breathed in, he realised the pillow had Jensen's scent on it, despite the cases obviously being clean on. He took a moment to think about moving the pillows around, but in the end he just snuggled deeper into them
Deciding to at least try and sleep, he inhaled that comforting scent and he carefully pulled the strip of photos out of his cast, letting his eyes linger on his friends for a few seconds before placing them safely under his pillow.
"Night guys," his soft lonely voice echoed around the empty room. But in his head, he clearly heard his best friends saying ‘goodnight’ back.
Author: Mark_angel01
Rating: PG13 for now will go higher eventually, warnings will be put before the chapter though.
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Characters: Jared, Jensen, Chris Kane, Tom welling, Mike Rosenbaum, Sophia Bush, Chad Murray, Sandy McCoy, Steve Carlson, Jeffrey Morgan, OFC, OMC.
Warning: This is male/male pairing so if you don't like then please leave, it is AU and the boys are 16, very low rating to start but will eventually get higher, so may be underage depending on where you live. There will be violence in future chapters but I will warn before a chapter.
Disclaimer: If I owned them I would force them to admit their love for eachother, which is so obvious, sadly i do not even own a strand of their hair.
Summary:
"Your secrets did this .... you did this. You let me believe you were someone else ..... I feel like I don't even know you.
Jared is 16 and hiding a dark past, Jensen is drawn to him, what will happen when secrets are revealed. Read to find out.
Story notes: My wonderful Beta reader is Basez dreams, any mistakes left are my own doing.
This is going to be a long story, I have some chapters written and will post weekly so there is not a long time between updates
Chapter notes : Sorry for the long delay guys I am moving home and have no internet access so i'm having to borrow it to get this posted.
Chapter 5 : Where do I belong ?
Laurie watched Jared from the kitchen window. The back yard was often a source of comfort for many of the kids that came here. It was one of the reason Laurie had insisted on buying the house. The yard was large with many trees and flowers, and it seemed to have the ability to calm people and give them a sense of freedom. She had watched many children escape into that garden when things got too much.
She wondered what had driven Jared there. She knew it could be the fall out from being left here, yet she worried that Jensen may have upset him. Jensen wasn't usually a mean boy; actually, compared to Chris, he was a saint. He really cared about how people felt despite his carefree exterior, and so she found it difficult to imagine him upsetting Jared. Besides, she had seen him taking boxes out of Jared's room and he had told her he thought Jared just needed some space.
She had no reason to doubt him. Jensen trusted her and had done for a long time. He was no longer her patient, but they still talked a lot. She knew he felt comfortable talking to her now, as when she had started treating him, it had been like pulling teeth. He had been painfully shy back then, and the trauma he had suffered had left him withdrawn and scared of people. It had taken a long time to get him to open up, but once he did, he healed quickly. He was strong and didn't dwell on the past. Still, the effects had lingered in different ways; he stuck to his own friends and didn't let people in easily.
So it was surprising to see the way he had taken to Jared, and she felt torn over that. Jensen had told her a while back that he thought he was gay. At first, he had found it hard to accept and had blamed his past for making him ‘abnormal‘. After much work on both parts, she had got him to a place where he was comfortable with it. But, even though he had made leaps and bounds into accepting who he is, he had failed to tell his friends or start dating. She knew Chris and Sophia had a good idea that he was gay, but still Jensen tried to hide it. It was fairly obvious that Jensen had started to get a crush on their new house guest, and it concerned her greatly.
Jensen needed his first relationship to be a good experience, full of love and trust; but she just wasn't sure Jared was capable of giving that to him at this point in his life. Jared was unstable and unable to maintain a relationship with his own family, let alone with anyone else. The crime itself raised concerns. He was accused of some horrific crimes, not that she believed he was responsible for them, especially in the way they were accused. But Jared had admitted to one of the crimes, the worst one, and he never tried to defend himself. Despite wanting to help Jared, she knew she had to keep a level head and determine whether Jared may or may not actually be guilty of some of the crimes.
She really didn't want Jensen to get heartbroken. He deserved to be happy, but she just knew if he let himself fall for Jared he would be in for a world of hurt. Still, it wasn't for her to get involved. She had hoped that they could form some kind of friendship, as that is something they both needed. Jensen would make a good friend to Jared; she just hoped his crush passed once he realised Jared wasn't interested.
Some part of her argued that Jared had also seemed interested, but the difference between the two was he had pulled away and shut those feeling down. She hoped that it stayed that way, mostly because she just couldn't see it surviving, not when Jared had so many problems to work through and deal with. Laurie wondered if pushing that friendship would be the best thing.
She couldn't help but feel guilty at the way she had written Jared off as not good enough for Jensen, just like everyone else in Jared’s life. No, she wouldn't do that. There was a reason he was here and she believed in him. If things developed between the two boys, then she would not interfere. She would just be there for them both.
As she looked at the lonely boy under the tree, she remembered a 13 year old Jensen sitting in the exact same place, so sad and lonely. It was ironic that they had both chosen the same place to go when their lives got too much. Maybe it meant something more. Right now, though, she wouldn't worry. More than likely, it was just a small crush.
Michael's arms wrapped around her and she smiled, drawn away from her thoughts as she leaned back into that warm embrace. No words were needed; she knew it was their way of clearing the air. Things had been tense lately between them, arguments about Jared being the main catalyst. But when it came down to it, he was always there for her, and she had every faith he always would be.
*********
Jensen could tell Chris was pissed at him, only he was pretending to not realise. He wasn't going to give his best friend a good excuse to start bitching at him. Instead, he focused on his assignment, ignoring the glare that Chris kept burning into him every now and then when he got bored of the TV.
He knew what it was about, which was part of why he was avoiding talking about it. He couldn't defend himself, and the excuse that Laurie had asked him to go sounded weak, even to his own ears. He just hoped Chris kept up the silent anger, as he really didn't want to face lots of questions. Today had been confusing as Hell for him. He had never felt so much so quick before, and it made his head spin.
He tried to ignore the need to go find the tall guy that had his head so busy. He knew, though, he needed to take a step back and keep cool. He doubted Chris would keep silent if he continued to trail the new guy like a lost puppy, and Hell, he wasn't far gone enough to humiliate himself that much. He decided the best way was to play it cool, to not force anything. He had been too eager today, which was out of character for him. That was probably why Chris was glaring at him every chance he got.
"So where's your new friend?" Obviously Chris had grown tired of the silent glares.
Jensen took his time closing his books before looking at his friend. "Is that what this is about? You jealous or something?" He knew he had said the wrong thing when Chris blushed; he never blushed.
"Fuck no, Ackles. I'm not like that."
Jensen glared at his friend as he got to his feet. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
Chris looked like a trapped animal, and Jensen would have found it funny if he wasn't so pissed at his friend right now. It was obvious his friend was trying to refer to him being gay, but all he had managed to do was make Jensen believe how much it disgusted him. It was one of the things he was afraid of happening. Chris may have had an idea he was gay, and had seemed cool with it, but since he had seen Jensen possibly interested in another guy, he was freaking out. What would he be like if Jensen started dating?
Would his best friend make excuses to leave the room? Would he stop hanging out with him? Would they lose their friendship?
He didn't give Chris a chance to answer him. "I was talking about friendship, not about how ‘normal’ you are and how ‘abnormal’ I am.”
His words had Chris gaping at him like a goldfish. "Dude, that isn't what I meant. Fuck Jensen, you should know me better than that.”
His friends words helped to calm him down enough to realise he was overreacting, again, something he rarely did. He knew it was his own fears making him react this way. He didn't want to lose his best friend just because he liked guys. Still, saying that to said best friend was easier said than done; they didn't do chick-flick moments.
So instead, he nodded and sat back down, hand held up when Chris tried to explain himself. "Look, just forget it."
Chris looked like he wanted to argue or say something more, but instead, he just nodded. "So, are we cool?"
Jensen smiled at that, a little relieved and threw a cushion at his friends head. "Yeah, we’re cool, idiot."
The cushion hit his friend in the head, and he knew war was coming. Sure enough, seconds later, Chris was tackling him to the floor. They were way too old to play-wrestle, but it was their way of having the ‘chick-flick moment’ without the awkwardness. That, and despite both being 16, they were still like 10 year olds most the time when they were together. It was something Jensen would never grow tired of.
*********
Jared wasn't sure how long he sat under the tree staring into the distance, not seeing anything but memories. His leg ached like a bitch and his ass was cold and numb, and yet somehow, the physical pain he felt was a comfort. He felt so numb lately that he was sure he wasn't real anymore, that he was fading away. Pain reminded him he was still here, still very much alive.
It was the pain that bought him back to the present, and he realised he should be getting back to the house. He was sure it was almost dinner time, not that he felt hungry. He didn't get hungry anymore. He just ate to fuel his body. He used to love food and eat for pleasure; his big love was candy, but not anymore. He found no enjoyment in anything, anymore.
He struggled to his feet and slowly made his way back to the house. He wished he could avoid everyone, but as he got near, he knew that would be impossible. He watched the family of four getting ready for dinner with ease, each seeming to know their own role as they worked. Laurie was dishing up the food, Michael putting the plates and dishes on the table, Chris was on the drinks and Jensen was setting the table.
He hesitated outside the kitchen door wondering where he fit in to all this. There was no place for him here and it was obvious. He tucked the photos into his cast and hung his head, not wanting to meet anyone’s eyes as he entered the kitchen. He could tell his presence was noticed by all, as the easy banter between them more or less died for a few seconds.
Laurie was the first to recover. "Jared, honey, dinner is almost done. I hope you’re hungry. It's Mexican night."
He nodded and tried to ignore the eyes he could feel on him, even as they resumed conversation. "Thank you. I just need the bathroom." He stumbled off before anyone could object.
Laurie's soft voice followed him. "Ok, don't be too long or there won’t be anything left with these three."
In truth he wished he could hide out in the bathroom throughout dinner, he wasn't prepared for the family atmosphere he had just felt. He knew he was coming to a care home, but he wasn't expecting this. It was too similar to how his family used to be.
Jared splashed his face with cold water and briefly glanced at his reflection. As he stared, he saw that he barely recognised the person looking back, and it had nothing to do with the cuts and bruises on his face. His eyes were haunted, deep shadows clouding the hazel hue of his irises. He stood witness to the demons raging inside him, unable to look away.
******
Jensen had noticed the moment Jared entered the kitchen and so had everyone else. He saw how this made the taller boy uncomfortable, so he started talking about the Impala again. Soon, Michael and Chris were talking again, and Jared made a quick getaway. Jensen was only half listening to the conversation, his real focus being on Jared.
He saw how awkward this all made the guy feel, and he understood how strange it feels to be with a family and not be a part of it. He remembered a few situations where he felt like an outsider and it had hurt to feel that way. He wanted to reach out to him, but didn't want to push him. Jared's whole demeanour shouted ‘stay the fuck away from me’, and he didn't want to upset him and ruin any chance of a friendship.
"How was he earlier?" Laurie had managed to guide him close to her whilst Chris and Michael talked cars.
Jensen smiled and began helping Laurie. He had always found her easy to talk to. "I think he is finding it difficult. It must be hard, new place; new people."
Laurie nodded and handed him some food to dish up. "The first day is always the worst. I'm glad you’re making an effort hon; just do me a favour?"
Jensen stopped what he was doing to look at Laurie. Her voice had dropped and she sounded concerned. "Just don't push him. I know you mean well and Jared could use a friend like you, but it's just Jared is... Well, he’s a unique person and he has a lot to deal with. Those things could make him a little difficult to be around. Just give him time, ok?"
Jensen felt himself blush as Laurie spoke. She was obviously on to him and was trying to give him advice. "No problem." It wasn't that he didn’t appreciate the advice; Hell, it was to the contrary. Laurie rarely interfered unless it was needed, and he valued her opinion; plus she knew Jared better than he did, so she knew how he needed to be handled. A mischievous grin crossed his face. "Of course, I could get to know him better if you let me read his file."
Laurie managed to hit him with the dish cloth despite his hasty retreat the moment he spoke. She was laughing though. Laurie knew Jensen would never do anything like that. He respected her and her job too much, so she knew he was just teasing. She knew he was just as curious as Chris; still, she was glad Jensen seemed to take on board what she said.
As they all moved to their usual chairs at the table, Jensen stood back up. "I'll go tell Jared it's ready."
Chris muttered under his breath, "let him starve," and promptly received a kick from Laurie .
Jensen grinned and walked down the hall, knocking on the bathroom door. "Hey Jared, we’re all waiting on you. Everything ok?"
It took Jared a few moments to realise someone was talking to him. "Yeah, be out in a sec. Go ahead and start without me."
Jensen smiled. He had expected that one and figured Jared planned to hide in there until dinner was over. "No can do, man; Laurie’s orders."
Jared sighed and tried to bring himself back to reality. Since ‘that night’, he had started spacing out more and more. He tried not to let himself be consumed by his memories as they were too painful. He shut them out, effectively blocking them from his consciousness and let himself drift in a sea of emptiness. He blinked his eyes and took a deep breath, knowing he had to face the music.
He pulled the door open and avoided looking directly at Jensen. "Thanks. I just lost track of time," he mumbled his words and flushed as he felt those green eyes on him.
Jensen wondered if he was allowed to think ‘adorable’ when looking at a guy that was taller and more built than him, with bruises and dead eyes. He figured the answer would be ‘no‘. Only, he couldn't help it. This guy screamed out for a hug and damn if he didn't want to just give him one. Deciding that would probably get him into trouble with Jared's fists, he stomped down the desire. "No problem man. Let’s go eat."
As he led the way, he wondered when he had become such a touchy-feely person, because that was not him. He rarely wanted to give hugs to his friends, let alone a guy he barely knew. He couldn't understand why this guy bought out the overprotective side in him. Sure, he was attracted to Jared, but this felt deeper. That was crazy, because he didn’t even know him.
********
Jared closed his bedroom door feeling relieved to have the constant noise stop. Dinner had been slow torture for him. He had to focus hard not to drift off, and he had to keep control of his emotions. He had managed to eat some of the food, which he was sure tasted great, but to him it tasted like saw dust.
Laurie had excused him from the chores so they could chat. She had promised that it was nothing intense, just her checking in with him. He managed to mumble he was doing ok. Laurie had let him know they would have a therapy session tomorrow and physio Monday after school. She let him know that she would be with him for his first day to help him get his schedule organised. He had barely responded to her, but inside he was panicking. Therapy was going to be tough; he couldn't talk about how he felt, he just couldn’t. He had hated physio with a passion, and was always left wondering why he needed to get his leg better when it would always be weak.
The real panic, though, came from hearing about school.
Now he was safely in his room he let his head drop back against the door and let himself freak the fuck out, because he could not handle school. He knew it would be too much. He had managed to keep a tight lock down on how he felt; how he was doing. Being around kids his age all day, being teased, pointed at, bullied…he would lose it. He couldn't do that; he was dangerous when he lost it. Fuck. Why couldn't he be home schooled, or at least excused? It wasn't like he would need an education in prison, anyway.
He could feel himself slowly losing control as he thought about it more and more. He would be the new guy, the loner, the freak...
A small knock interrupted his thoughts.
Jensen felt unsure as he knocked gently. He had agreed to back off, but he just wanted to let Jared know he was here. "Jared, you have a sec?"
Jared opened the door and carefully avoided the smaller guys gaze. "Sure." He could still feel the panic in him as he reluctantly met Jensen's piercing eyes.
His breath caught as Jensen looked into those eyes again and saw the depth of emotion. Fear was clearly the winning emotion shining in Jared’s eyes. "Just bought you these," he held up the two pillows, feeling at a loss for words.
Jared stared dumbly at the pillows as he got control of his feelings, before looking at Jensen, his mask back in place. "Thanks."
Jensen felt unable to breathe as Jared looked at him again, his eyes blank. He didn't miss the confused tone to his ‘thanks’ and smiled. "I just figured you could use extra support for your arm and leg. I had an injury a while back and, well, I just thought..." He trailed off and held the pillows out in front of him, feeling himself blush.
Jared took the offered pillows, feeling a little put out. Jensen was obviously a really nice guy, even if it was only pity he felt for him. He obviously wanted to help people out, so when he looked at Jensen again, he allowed a small smile. "Thanks."
Jensen was taken aback by the smile. It didn't reach his eyes, but it was a gesture and that was all he cared about. Grinning, he rubbed the back of his neck. "No problem."
He went to walk away, but stopped at the last minute. “I heard Laurie mention school earlier…we’re in the same year, so I figured it will be cool to hang out, I mean, that’s if you want to. You should meet the other guys and Sophia." He knew he was rambling, but couldn't find it in him to care. Remembering his warning about not pushing it, he backed away. "Anyway we can talk more tomorrow. Sleep well."
A small bud of hope was growing in Jared's chest. Maybe he wouldn't have to face school alone. He wouldn't fit in, but he wouldn't be alone. He wanted to thank Jensen and show him how grateful he was, but he couldn't. Instead, he nodded and mumbled "night Jensen" before closing the door.
He stumbled towards his bed and decided to use Jensen's pillows to sleep on and the others to support his arm and leg, telling himself it was just because they were softer, nothing else. They had supported his leg and arm in hospital and it had helped, and yet he hadn't given his comfort another thought until Jensen mentioned it.
He struggled out of his clothes, swallowing some tablets for the pain and to help sleep, before sliding into the comfortable bed.
It took him a while to get comfortable, but eventually he sank back into the soft pillows. He was bone tired, but knew he had to wait for the tablets to kick in. He wished he could sleep without them, but he couldn't, no matter how tired he got. Even with the tablets, his sleep was interrupted with nightmares or insomnia. Sometimes he just woke up in a cold sweat, other times he just woke up knowing he would not be able to sleep. He used to love sleep, he would cling to every extra second he could get before having to drag his ass out of bed. He loved lying in on weekends and holidays. Just another thing that was gone.
Sighing softly, he took a deep breath, willing his body and mind to relax. As he breathed in, he realised the pillow had Jensen's scent on it, despite the cases obviously being clean on. He took a moment to think about moving the pillows around, but in the end he just snuggled deeper into them
Deciding to at least try and sleep, he inhaled that comforting scent and he carefully pulled the strip of photos out of his cast, letting his eyes linger on his friends for a few seconds before placing them safely under his pillow.
"Night guys," his soft lonely voice echoed around the empty room. But in his head, he clearly heard his best friends saying ‘goodnight’ back.