And now, for something a little different.

[marlon_iv]

Time for a wee spot of fiction. This one got away from me, though, and came out longer then I was expecting. Oh well.

Comments

[pvenables]

Hehe, I like it! Nice job!

[marlon_iv]

Well, thanks!

Could you be more specific, though? What you liked (and disliked) most? Can't get better until I know what I'm doing wrong. ;-)

[pvenables]

I like the subtle twist at the end that leaves you wondering, "Wait? What? Lover?" which gives the whole story a different angle. That was pretty cool

[chutchings]

Oh I loved that ending, totally blindsided by it.

[dwilton]

I agree with the above, very good. The ending comes out really well, and I like you shifted the tense between present and past. One thing that might be considered, and I say this knowing that you already think you ran long, is to bring it back to the interrogaiton midway through the statement. I'm trying to think if "The lieutenant reads over my statement. Did our guide really tell us to get out of the truck, he wants to know. I confirm it. He shakes his head. A fool, he calls Bob," as an interruption to the story might build a little more tension, with the jarring of changing tense again?

Just a thought. Remember, I'm a math guy, so take it with a pound of salt.

[marlon_iv]

No worries about being a math major. More importantly, you're literate and that is what counts here.

I am taking your suggestion under consideration, though. I'll wait and see how it goes at the workshop tonight and see what overall consensus is. Generally, I'm more inclined to leave teh flashback as one longer piece, but that may change.

[dhutchings]

Very good. I like leaving the flashback as a single piece. Though I have a thought on that:

If you were to flesh it out to a longer piece, more build-up to the event, our protagonist being stalked back to the camp, etc. then interjecting with "present-day" stuff would work very well. However, that's not the style of story that this is, given the payoff at the end.