Comeuppance
Also on AO3.
Fandom: Avengers, Captain America
Tony Stark is an asshole. A genius, a superhero, yes, but he’s still an asshole -- this is public knowledge. He’s done his homework on his teammates, read their files, hacked into S.H.I.E.L.D.’s database and read the files they didn’t give him, so he has all the information he needs to be an absolutely obnoxious asshole to all of them. Most of the time, he just wants to see how they’ll react, to see if they’ll squirm. He’s got a whole category of snarky remarks for that. Sometimes he’s just pissed off and takes it out on whoever he sees; this is more risky, so he usually does it when he’s in the suit.
In either case, he’s made it his unofficial mission to find every possible way to annoy his teammates. The problem is that his teammates are surprisingly resistant to being annoyed. Natasha and Clint have both had extensive training from S.H.I.E.L.D. in remaining calm under all possible circumstances. He’s managed to make Clint twitchy, but nothing more. Thor doesn’t even understand most of Tony’s jibes, but he’s had moderate success by insulting Thor’s parentage. There is an endless well of material to mock Bruce with, but most of the time that they’re together either Tony is absorbed in work or Bruce is the Hulk, and really doesn’t understand much of anything at all.
But then, there is Steve. Steve is so easy to annoy, so easy to embarrass. One of the days Tony was pissed off, he suggested that maybe Peggy Carter had been fucking all of the SSR. He hadn’t been wearing the suit, and Steve had punched him so hard that he had come to in a S.H.I.E.L.D. medical facility two hours later. (Steve had apologized, sort of -- said he was sorry that Tony got hurt so badly, but not sorry that he'd punched him.)
Tony’s favorite thing in Steve’s file is the “no sexual experience” notation. He’s been insulting Steve’s manhood since practically the day they met, but for some reason, the insults never seem to hit home. Still, it’s in Tony’s nature not to give up once he’s gotten started, so when they’re finishing up a debriefing and Steve mentions that he’s going to fly to DC for a weekend trip, he finds himself saying, “Yeah, we all know Cap’s flying Virgin America.” It’s a bad one, even by his standards, and Clint groans and rolls his eyes, but Steve doesn’t even bat an eye; Tony finally asks, “How is it that you lose your temper when I insult your friends, but don’t give a shit when I make fun of you for being a virgin?”
Steve raises an eyebrow as he opens the door to leave. “Because it’s not true,” he says mildly, and then the door is swinging shut behind him and Tony realizes his mouth is hanging open. Tony glances around the room and sees similarly surprised expressions; Natasha snorts, trying not to laugh, and Tony rushes out into the hall.
“But it says so in your file!” he calls out at Steve’s receding back.
“Guess they don’t know everything about me after all.”
***
He doesn’t see Steve again until their next battle, but when they shuffle into the debriefing room exhausted and covered in alien blood, he says, “So, you and Agent Carter, huh?”
Steve stares at Tony, uncomprehending. It takes him about three seconds to page back in their last conversation, and then he rolls his eyes. “No. Stark, you really don’t want to go there.”
“Curiosity is in my nature, I’m a scientist. One of the showgirls when you were doing your spangly act?”
“No, and I’m serious, you’re going to get yourself in trouble if you keep asking.” But once he’s started, Tony can’t help himself, and he needles Steve every opportunity he gets.
***
“Army nurse? USO girl? French prostitute?”
Tony hears Steve’s exasperated sigh over the commlink as he fires another repulsor blast. “Not even close.”
***
Digging in to delivery Chinese food during a break in an all-day briefing, Tony pulls out his last idea: “Childhood friend or school sweetheart, from before you became Mister Muscles?”
Steve shakes his head, mouth full of lo mein, and Tony slams his plate on the table. “Okay, we’ve been through every woman you could possibly have ever known. Obviously you’re lying and this was just a ploy to get me off your back.”
“I’m not lying,” Steve replies, and takes another bite.
“He never said it was with a woman,” Clint supplies helpfully, and Tony watches in amazement as a rosy blush rises on Steve’s cheeks.
“Oh, this is too good to be true. Captain Gay America? Fox News will have a field day with that one. I guess the outfit was a giveaway.”
“Hey, don’t make fun of the suit,” Steve replies, brows drawing together. “I hope this is the end of your interrogation, Stark.”
“What? I’m just getting started. World War II gay army orgies? I’m asking, and you’re gonna tell.” Tony spares a moment to think that it’s too bad that joke went straight over Steve’s 1940’s head, before adding, “It must have been your buddy, what’s his name, Sergeant Barnes, right?”
Steve nearly chokes on his food laughing and says, “Bucky was the biggest womanizer I’d ever met until I met you.” Before Tony can react, the lights are going down for stage two of the briefing.
***
“Okay, it had to be your commando buddies. All those lonely nights out on the front without a woman in sight? Look out, on your six!”
Steve spins and throws his shield, taking out the robot behind him. “Thanks, and this really isn’t the time for this,” he shouts into the comm, ducking blows from all sides.
“Is that a yes?” Tony blasts a couple of Natasha’s attackers before flying over to help Steve out.
“No it’s not, and seriously, shut up.”
***
Dr. Erskine? Tony asks via text message while dining out with Pepper.
The reply comes moments later: No, stop asking, you’re going to regret it. Empty threats, Tony thinks, although if Steve is going to punch him again he needs to remember to wear the suit this time.
***
Late one night, Tony swings by the mess hall at S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ after a long design review for modifications to the helicarrier. He is only somewhat surprised to find Steve there, in sweaty workout gear, digging into a big bowl of Cheerios. “Late night post-workout snack?” Tony asks, grabbing a cup and heading to the espresso machine.
“Mmm,” is the only reply he gets. Tony finishes making his drink and drops into the other chair at Steve’s table.
“You, Captain Rogers, are a liar,” Tony states. “I get that you want people to think you’re not a virgin. Sure, we make fun of you, but there’s no shame in that. No need to pretend you’re gay to cover it up, that is just a really bad PR move.”
Steve blinks at Tony, chewing slowly. “Stark, I don’t care what you think about my sex life, but I am not a liar.”
“We’ve been through everybody. It wasn’t a childhood friend, it wasn’t a prostitute, it wasn’t one of your commando buddies, who else could it b-- Fuck.” Realization hits him like a freight train. “FUCK. Cap, please tell me you did not have sex with my father.”
And yes, Steve’s lips are twitching with held back laughter, his eyes are crinkling around the edges, and he says, “I told you you were going to regret it.” Tony buries his head in his hands and Steve starts laughing for real as he gets up to bus his dishes. He claps a hand on Tony’s shoulder on his way out.
“You look just like him, you know?”
This entry was originally posted at http://marmolita.dreamwidth.org/1115.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
Fandom: Avengers, Captain America
Tony Stark is an asshole. A genius, a superhero, yes, but he’s still an asshole -- this is public knowledge. He’s done his homework on his teammates, read their files, hacked into S.H.I.E.L.D.’s database and read the files they didn’t give him, so he has all the information he needs to be an absolutely obnoxious asshole to all of them. Most of the time, he just wants to see how they’ll react, to see if they’ll squirm. He’s got a whole category of snarky remarks for that. Sometimes he’s just pissed off and takes it out on whoever he sees; this is more risky, so he usually does it when he’s in the suit.
In either case, he’s made it his unofficial mission to find every possible way to annoy his teammates. The problem is that his teammates are surprisingly resistant to being annoyed. Natasha and Clint have both had extensive training from S.H.I.E.L.D. in remaining calm under all possible circumstances. He’s managed to make Clint twitchy, but nothing more. Thor doesn’t even understand most of Tony’s jibes, but he’s had moderate success by insulting Thor’s parentage. There is an endless well of material to mock Bruce with, but most of the time that they’re together either Tony is absorbed in work or Bruce is the Hulk, and really doesn’t understand much of anything at all.
But then, there is Steve. Steve is so easy to annoy, so easy to embarrass. One of the days Tony was pissed off, he suggested that maybe Peggy Carter had been fucking all of the SSR. He hadn’t been wearing the suit, and Steve had punched him so hard that he had come to in a S.H.I.E.L.D. medical facility two hours later. (Steve had apologized, sort of -- said he was sorry that Tony got hurt so badly, but not sorry that he'd punched him.)
Tony’s favorite thing in Steve’s file is the “no sexual experience” notation. He’s been insulting Steve’s manhood since practically the day they met, but for some reason, the insults never seem to hit home. Still, it’s in Tony’s nature not to give up once he’s gotten started, so when they’re finishing up a debriefing and Steve mentions that he’s going to fly to DC for a weekend trip, he finds himself saying, “Yeah, we all know Cap’s flying Virgin America.” It’s a bad one, even by his standards, and Clint groans and rolls his eyes, but Steve doesn’t even bat an eye; Tony finally asks, “How is it that you lose your temper when I insult your friends, but don’t give a shit when I make fun of you for being a virgin?”
Steve raises an eyebrow as he opens the door to leave. “Because it’s not true,” he says mildly, and then the door is swinging shut behind him and Tony realizes his mouth is hanging open. Tony glances around the room and sees similarly surprised expressions; Natasha snorts, trying not to laugh, and Tony rushes out into the hall.
“But it says so in your file!” he calls out at Steve’s receding back.
“Guess they don’t know everything about me after all.”
***
He doesn’t see Steve again until their next battle, but when they shuffle into the debriefing room exhausted and covered in alien blood, he says, “So, you and Agent Carter, huh?”
Steve stares at Tony, uncomprehending. It takes him about three seconds to page back in their last conversation, and then he rolls his eyes. “No. Stark, you really don’t want to go there.”
“Curiosity is in my nature, I’m a scientist. One of the showgirls when you were doing your spangly act?”
“No, and I’m serious, you’re going to get yourself in trouble if you keep asking.” But once he’s started, Tony can’t help himself, and he needles Steve every opportunity he gets.
***
“Army nurse? USO girl? French prostitute?”
Tony hears Steve’s exasperated sigh over the commlink as he fires another repulsor blast. “Not even close.”
***
Digging in to delivery Chinese food during a break in an all-day briefing, Tony pulls out his last idea: “Childhood friend or school sweetheart, from before you became Mister Muscles?”
Steve shakes his head, mouth full of lo mein, and Tony slams his plate on the table. “Okay, we’ve been through every woman you could possibly have ever known. Obviously you’re lying and this was just a ploy to get me off your back.”
“I’m not lying,” Steve replies, and takes another bite.
“He never said it was with a woman,” Clint supplies helpfully, and Tony watches in amazement as a rosy blush rises on Steve’s cheeks.
“Oh, this is too good to be true. Captain Gay America? Fox News will have a field day with that one. I guess the outfit was a giveaway.”
“Hey, don’t make fun of the suit,” Steve replies, brows drawing together. “I hope this is the end of your interrogation, Stark.”
“What? I’m just getting started. World War II gay army orgies? I’m asking, and you’re gonna tell.” Tony spares a moment to think that it’s too bad that joke went straight over Steve’s 1940’s head, before adding, “It must have been your buddy, what’s his name, Sergeant Barnes, right?”
Steve nearly chokes on his food laughing and says, “Bucky was the biggest womanizer I’d ever met until I met you.” Before Tony can react, the lights are going down for stage two of the briefing.
***
“Okay, it had to be your commando buddies. All those lonely nights out on the front without a woman in sight? Look out, on your six!”
Steve spins and throws his shield, taking out the robot behind him. “Thanks, and this really isn’t the time for this,” he shouts into the comm, ducking blows from all sides.
“Is that a yes?” Tony blasts a couple of Natasha’s attackers before flying over to help Steve out.
“No it’s not, and seriously, shut up.”
***
Dr. Erskine? Tony asks via text message while dining out with Pepper.
The reply comes moments later: No, stop asking, you’re going to regret it. Empty threats, Tony thinks, although if Steve is going to punch him again he needs to remember to wear the suit this time.
***
Late one night, Tony swings by the mess hall at S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ after a long design review for modifications to the helicarrier. He is only somewhat surprised to find Steve there, in sweaty workout gear, digging into a big bowl of Cheerios. “Late night post-workout snack?” Tony asks, grabbing a cup and heading to the espresso machine.
“Mmm,” is the only reply he gets. Tony finishes making his drink and drops into the other chair at Steve’s table.
“You, Captain Rogers, are a liar,” Tony states. “I get that you want people to think you’re not a virgin. Sure, we make fun of you, but there’s no shame in that. No need to pretend you’re gay to cover it up, that is just a really bad PR move.”
Steve blinks at Tony, chewing slowly. “Stark, I don’t care what you think about my sex life, but I am not a liar.”
“We’ve been through everybody. It wasn’t a childhood friend, it wasn’t a prostitute, it wasn’t one of your commando buddies, who else could it b-- Fuck.” Realization hits him like a freight train. “FUCK. Cap, please tell me you did not have sex with my father.”
And yes, Steve’s lips are twitching with held back laughter, his eyes are crinkling around the edges, and he says, “I told you you were going to regret it.” Tony buries his head in his hands and Steve starts laughing for real as he gets up to bus his dishes. He claps a hand on Tony’s shoulder on his way out.
“You look just like him, you know?”
This entry was originally posted at http://marmolita.dreamwidth.org/1115.html. Please comment there using OpenID.