[longfic] boundary line ; taemin-centric w jongtae&jongyu
boundary line ; taemin-centric with a bit of jongtae & jongyu.
a/n: part nightmares, part thoughts, part 'can i?'. longfic beta'd by makesmeangry, thank you nuna~ ♥
he first notices something's the matter when during one of his random teenage fits he can't sleep; taemin gets up from the nest of blankets he creates and sits down at the piano. fingers ghost over the keys, pressing a few quietly, soon beginning to play a random tune of sorts.
something to help him sleep, something to help him think. a few notes in, he hears padded footsteps behind him and thinks it'll be kibum or jinki chastising him for playing so late, but no.
it's jonghyun today, hair tousled fifty different directions, eyes half-lidded from sleep (lack of it?), sitting down on the bench next to him. taemin smiles up at him sheepishly, reaching a finger out and pressing the middle 'c' key.
jonghyun just returns the smile, as sleepy as it is and he feels, reaching out and pressing 'b' next to it, accepting the challenge. they play for a few moments, random notes here and there and seeming to finish each other's thoughts.
however taemin freezes, ignoring the chords jonghyun's playing in a duet-turned-solo, ignoring the soft sleepy singing voice coming from deep within jonghyun, instead focusing on his hands.
how had he not noticed this before? how had something this large gone without saying? it suddenly was like a splinter digging into his skull, deep down into his very soul. he suddenly stands up and mumbles some excuse about suddenly being tired, running off to bed and shutting the door quickly; burying his face into the pillow and shaking uncontrollably.
when he can't sleep because of the nightmares, he allows himself to crawl to the bathroom and take one of jinki's sleeping tablets he knows he keeps for emergencies.
---
it's the next morning over breakfast that taemin freezes and notices it again, notices jonghyun tugging at the scarf around his neck and complaining about how cold the dorm was getting. taemin watches as those nimble (guitarist) fingers toy with the fabric a few times before reaching for his spoon, beginning to wrap those long digits around the handle and drag the spoon up to his mouth to eat some breakfast.
he's hardly aware of just how intently he's been staring until he catches the eyes of everyone around him and jinki's furrowed eyebrows, lips parted as if to ask him a question.
"just thinking about some new moves," he answers quickly; and it seems to calm jinki's reasoning down. breakfast continues as normal and jonghyun is the first to get up to take the plate to the sink, smiling and squeezing taemin's shoulder as he sits down next to him.
"do you want to sing later, since jinki has a schedule?"
taemin stiffens under the touch quickly, but forces himself to smile as if nothing's going wrong, voice coming out a bit more clipped than usual. "no thank you, hyung, i think i'll practice our comeback song, i thought of a new move i wanted to add to it."
jonghyun looks a bit surprised, but shrugs a shoulder. "alright, taeminnie, don't work yourself too hard though, okay?" he picks up glass of the orange juice on the table and takes a swig from it, and taemin's eyes once again are drawn to those abominations jonghyun has to suffer with.
he watches the short phalanges curl around the glass and squeeze slightly to help get a grip on it, watches how he sets it down and picks up sheet music to study.
taemin had always thought jonghyun was gorgeous; however his imperfection of those fingers was tainting him with their knowledge in the special way no one else would ever notice. only taemin could see the flaws in jonghyun's perfections, only he was the one to know something about it.
as jonghyun rearranges the sheet music and fixes old notes with a pen humming them to himself, taemin could swear he could hear the creaking and cracking of the bones, of the flesh covering them to allow movement threatening to let them spill free. they were so fragile but strong, thin but so thick and so...ugly.
jonghyun keeps shuffling back and forth between papers and twirling the pen. each time they move, he can swear they're almost like tentacles. each time jonghyun touches him, it felt like spiders on taemin's skin as they scuttle and wait to kill. they were ugly, imperfect, dangerous, faulted and abnormal.
taemin sighs and takes a bite of his now-cold and partially congealed eggs. it's a shame, because jonghyun is really perfect.
----
the cold season comes quickly and suddenly, and taemin's never been happier. because when jonghyun's fingers are hidden, taemin sees nothing but perfection; something to fawn over. he becomes loving sweet makane taemin, smiling and clinging to jonghyun and everyone else.
jonghyun just needed help, taemin realizes one day when he's laying on their duvet and listening to a japanese-learning tape; and that was it. but of course jonghyun couldn't see that he needed help, oh no...if only he could see how beautiful he was without those digits.
taemin's shocked at what comes over him, pressing pause on the player and shaking his head, getting up to go for a milk run at the corner store. however the thought worms itself back into his mind as he drops coins on the counter for the ahjumma when he reaches the counter, sipping his milk on the walk back to the dorm.
----
at first, it slowly begins costing him food. taemin starts saying he's not hungry; jinki gives him a weird look and has kibum tuck him in and bring him soup. taemin is grateful at first, sipping a bit of it before pouring it down their bathroom sink after key leaves. he balances out the small weight loss with vitamin supplements and increases his consumption of milk.
then come the sleepless nights, which he chalks up to nightmares. so he crawls into kibum's bed for a few nights, but soon leaves when kibum starts mumbling something about new lyrics. then he crawls in with jinki, but the latter often pulls him under his blanket and leaves him feeling suffocated. so he lays there in bed, staring blankly at the wall and applying a bit more foundation under his eye bags.
his mind begins constantly churning out options and what he can do to help him, because he's tired of seeing nothing but jonghyun's flawed beauty. taemin cared for jonghyun; he really did. he loved him as a hyung, a bandmate, and...
taemin pauses and nods slowly and surely to himself, realizing that he loved jonghyun dearly; in all senses of the meaning. and when jonghyun needed help, he'd provide for it without hesitation; no matter what the costs were.
except this particular cost would be great, but he was sure jonghyun would fully understand. taemin smiles and curls up under his blanket, able to sleep for the first time in a week.
----
it takes him a while and a few strings to be pulled, but he finally obtains chloroform from an outside source. he still remembers the look the fan had given him and the smile he'd given her, the autographs, and even an item of clothing of his. he promises her backstage and vip passes, smiling very softly and giving her a hug and thank you, nuna.
then it takes even longer for taemin to get jonghyun alone with him. despite their comeback not being for a few months, they still have schedules to attend to; and taemin has school, much to his disdain.
one day after taemin comes home from a cancelled class he finds jonghyun alone in the dorm, finishing up some dishes as he hums to himself. taemin manages to slip up behind him and brandishes a cloth over his mouth and nose, smiling when he feels jonghyun's body go limp. the younger boy smiles delicately and carries him back to his room, leaving the cloth over his mouth and placing him on the bed smiling fondly.
today, taemin thinks as he pulls out a pair of pliers and a scalpel he also obtained, today you will really know beauty, kim jonghyun.
he takes a deep breath and begins his plan, stopping a few times to make sure he could steady his nerves. he can do this. he needs to do this.
----
"the nurse said i have another week, and then i can leave." jonghyun sighs, sitting back in the bed and staring at the over-sterilized ceiling. "i honestly don't think that time could pass any slower."
jinki was beside him, face completely tensed with the effort of trying to hold back tears in front of jonghyun. because jinki was the leader, jinki had to be strong at a time like this. to see their usually bright and cheerful lead vocalist in the bed like this was more than he could bare.
when jinki had found out, taemin had let him cry into his shoulders for almost three hours; and taemin never complained. if anything, taemin was curious.
sure, jonghyun's hands were now lacking four fingers; his thumb and ring finger were no longer on his left and his pinky and index on the right were shredded beyond means. but taemin was certain the pros outweighed the cons now. couldn't jinki and the rest see that jonghyun was gorgeous and perfect with this?
when jinki can't choke out any words to their vocalist on the bed, jonghyun smiles carefully at him and reaches out to touch his face to comfort him. jinki freezes when jonghyun puts his hand on his face; three fingers having never been creepier in his life.
it's at this jinki finally bursts into tears, and kibum is getting up to squeeze his shoulders and whisper soft words into his ear. kibum rubs circles onto jinki's back, leading him out of the room. meanwhile, jonghyun lets his hand flop weakly down to his side, listening to jinki cry all the way down the hall.
minho stands up from the other chair, walking over and squeezing jonghyun's shoulder almost awkwardly. "i'm going to go see if they're okay, hyung."
it breaks jonghyun's heart when he walks out of the room and shuts the door without even hesitating. jonghyun leans his head back against the pillow with an exhausted sigh, closing his eyes again.
taemin watches him, tilting his head. jonghyun looked...so sad. so hurt, anything but happy. he hadn't counted on making the other members so upset; he was utterly confused by their reactions to finding him clutching jonghyun's bloody body and made-up story. taemin is shocked when he notices streams of tears falling from jonghyun's eyes and him making no attempt to cover them up.
nothing so beautiful should ever hurt so much, taemin muses quietly.
so he moves to the other's bed without hesitation, taking jonghyun into his arms and smiling softly at him. "hyung."
jonghyun's reaction was immediate; body giving a lurch to hold back the sobs threatening to come out. but taemin keeps holding him, drinking in the perfection of his body. the sharp collarbones, the way his hair still smelled amazing, the breaths against his collarbone, his beautiful eyes and smile, jonghyun.
all of it so untainted and perfect, at last.
finally jonghyun takes a deep shuddering breath and returns the embrace, wrapping himself around taemin's upper body. "thank you, taemin. thank you for staying here and being with me. thank you so much."
unknown to jonghyun, taemin stiffens, eyes wide behind jonghyun's back and pulse suddenly racing as his breathing becomes irregular.
when did jonghyun's arms get so long?
a/n: part nightmares, part thoughts, part 'can i?'. longfic beta'd by makesmeangry, thank you nuna~ ♥
he first notices something's the matter when during one of his random teenage fits he can't sleep; taemin gets up from the nest of blankets he creates and sits down at the piano. fingers ghost over the keys, pressing a few quietly, soon beginning to play a random tune of sorts.
something to help him sleep, something to help him think. a few notes in, he hears padded footsteps behind him and thinks it'll be kibum or jinki chastising him for playing so late, but no.
it's jonghyun today, hair tousled fifty different directions, eyes half-lidded from sleep (lack of it?), sitting down on the bench next to him. taemin smiles up at him sheepishly, reaching a finger out and pressing the middle 'c' key.
jonghyun just returns the smile, as sleepy as it is and he feels, reaching out and pressing 'b' next to it, accepting the challenge. they play for a few moments, random notes here and there and seeming to finish each other's thoughts.
however taemin freezes, ignoring the chords jonghyun's playing in a duet-turned-solo, ignoring the soft sleepy singing voice coming from deep within jonghyun, instead focusing on his hands.
how had he not noticed this before? how had something this large gone without saying? it suddenly was like a splinter digging into his skull, deep down into his very soul. he suddenly stands up and mumbles some excuse about suddenly being tired, running off to bed and shutting the door quickly; burying his face into the pillow and shaking uncontrollably.
when he can't sleep because of the nightmares, he allows himself to crawl to the bathroom and take one of jinki's sleeping tablets he knows he keeps for emergencies.
---
it's the next morning over breakfast that taemin freezes and notices it again, notices jonghyun tugging at the scarf around his neck and complaining about how cold the dorm was getting. taemin watches as those nimble (guitarist) fingers toy with the fabric a few times before reaching for his spoon, beginning to wrap those long digits around the handle and drag the spoon up to his mouth to eat some breakfast.
he's hardly aware of just how intently he's been staring until he catches the eyes of everyone around him and jinki's furrowed eyebrows, lips parted as if to ask him a question.
"just thinking about some new moves," he answers quickly; and it seems to calm jinki's reasoning down. breakfast continues as normal and jonghyun is the first to get up to take the plate to the sink, smiling and squeezing taemin's shoulder as he sits down next to him.
"do you want to sing later, since jinki has a schedule?"
taemin stiffens under the touch quickly, but forces himself to smile as if nothing's going wrong, voice coming out a bit more clipped than usual. "no thank you, hyung, i think i'll practice our comeback song, i thought of a new move i wanted to add to it."
jonghyun looks a bit surprised, but shrugs a shoulder. "alright, taeminnie, don't work yourself too hard though, okay?" he picks up glass of the orange juice on the table and takes a swig from it, and taemin's eyes once again are drawn to those abominations jonghyun has to suffer with.
he watches the short phalanges curl around the glass and squeeze slightly to help get a grip on it, watches how he sets it down and picks up sheet music to study.
taemin had always thought jonghyun was gorgeous; however his imperfection of those fingers was tainting him with their knowledge in the special way no one else would ever notice. only taemin could see the flaws in jonghyun's perfections, only he was the one to know something about it.
as jonghyun rearranges the sheet music and fixes old notes with a pen humming them to himself, taemin could swear he could hear the creaking and cracking of the bones, of the flesh covering them to allow movement threatening to let them spill free. they were so fragile but strong, thin but so thick and so...ugly.
jonghyun keeps shuffling back and forth between papers and twirling the pen. each time they move, he can swear they're almost like tentacles. each time jonghyun touches him, it felt like spiders on taemin's skin as they scuttle and wait to kill. they were ugly, imperfect, dangerous, faulted and abnormal.
taemin sighs and takes a bite of his now-cold and partially congealed eggs. it's a shame, because jonghyun is really perfect.
----
the cold season comes quickly and suddenly, and taemin's never been happier. because when jonghyun's fingers are hidden, taemin sees nothing but perfection; something to fawn over. he becomes loving sweet makane taemin, smiling and clinging to jonghyun and everyone else.
jonghyun just needed help, taemin realizes one day when he's laying on their duvet and listening to a japanese-learning tape; and that was it. but of course jonghyun couldn't see that he needed help, oh no...if only he could see how beautiful he was without those digits.
taemin's shocked at what comes over him, pressing pause on the player and shaking his head, getting up to go for a milk run at the corner store. however the thought worms itself back into his mind as he drops coins on the counter for the ahjumma when he reaches the counter, sipping his milk on the walk back to the dorm.
----
at first, it slowly begins costing him food. taemin starts saying he's not hungry; jinki gives him a weird look and has kibum tuck him in and bring him soup. taemin is grateful at first, sipping a bit of it before pouring it down their bathroom sink after key leaves. he balances out the small weight loss with vitamin supplements and increases his consumption of milk.
then come the sleepless nights, which he chalks up to nightmares. so he crawls into kibum's bed for a few nights, but soon leaves when kibum starts mumbling something about new lyrics. then he crawls in with jinki, but the latter often pulls him under his blanket and leaves him feeling suffocated. so he lays there in bed, staring blankly at the wall and applying a bit more foundation under his eye bags.
his mind begins constantly churning out options and what he can do to help him, because he's tired of seeing nothing but jonghyun's flawed beauty. taemin cared for jonghyun; he really did. he loved him as a hyung, a bandmate, and...
taemin pauses and nods slowly and surely to himself, realizing that he loved jonghyun dearly; in all senses of the meaning. and when jonghyun needed help, he'd provide for it without hesitation; no matter what the costs were.
except this particular cost would be great, but he was sure jonghyun would fully understand. taemin smiles and curls up under his blanket, able to sleep for the first time in a week.
----
it takes him a while and a few strings to be pulled, but he finally obtains chloroform from an outside source. he still remembers the look the fan had given him and the smile he'd given her, the autographs, and even an item of clothing of his. he promises her backstage and vip passes, smiling very softly and giving her a hug and thank you, nuna.
then it takes even longer for taemin to get jonghyun alone with him. despite their comeback not being for a few months, they still have schedules to attend to; and taemin has school, much to his disdain.
one day after taemin comes home from a cancelled class he finds jonghyun alone in the dorm, finishing up some dishes as he hums to himself. taemin manages to slip up behind him and brandishes a cloth over his mouth and nose, smiling when he feels jonghyun's body go limp. the younger boy smiles delicately and carries him back to his room, leaving the cloth over his mouth and placing him on the bed smiling fondly.
today, taemin thinks as he pulls out a pair of pliers and a scalpel he also obtained, today you will really know beauty, kim jonghyun.
he takes a deep breath and begins his plan, stopping a few times to make sure he could steady his nerves. he can do this. he needs to do this.
----
"the nurse said i have another week, and then i can leave." jonghyun sighs, sitting back in the bed and staring at the over-sterilized ceiling. "i honestly don't think that time could pass any slower."
jinki was beside him, face completely tensed with the effort of trying to hold back tears in front of jonghyun. because jinki was the leader, jinki had to be strong at a time like this. to see their usually bright and cheerful lead vocalist in the bed like this was more than he could bare.
when jinki had found out, taemin had let him cry into his shoulders for almost three hours; and taemin never complained. if anything, taemin was curious.
sure, jonghyun's hands were now lacking four fingers; his thumb and ring finger were no longer on his left and his pinky and index on the right were shredded beyond means. but taemin was certain the pros outweighed the cons now. couldn't jinki and the rest see that jonghyun was gorgeous and perfect with this?
when jinki can't choke out any words to their vocalist on the bed, jonghyun smiles carefully at him and reaches out to touch his face to comfort him. jinki freezes when jonghyun puts his hand on his face; three fingers having never been creepier in his life.
it's at this jinki finally bursts into tears, and kibum is getting up to squeeze his shoulders and whisper soft words into his ear. kibum rubs circles onto jinki's back, leading him out of the room. meanwhile, jonghyun lets his hand flop weakly down to his side, listening to jinki cry all the way down the hall.
minho stands up from the other chair, walking over and squeezing jonghyun's shoulder almost awkwardly. "i'm going to go see if they're okay, hyung."
it breaks jonghyun's heart when he walks out of the room and shuts the door without even hesitating. jonghyun leans his head back against the pillow with an exhausted sigh, closing his eyes again.
taemin watches him, tilting his head. jonghyun looked...so sad. so hurt, anything but happy. he hadn't counted on making the other members so upset; he was utterly confused by their reactions to finding him clutching jonghyun's bloody body and made-up story. taemin is shocked when he notices streams of tears falling from jonghyun's eyes and him making no attempt to cover them up.
nothing so beautiful should ever hurt so much, taemin muses quietly.
so he moves to the other's bed without hesitation, taking jonghyun into his arms and smiling softly at him. "hyung."
jonghyun's reaction was immediate; body giving a lurch to hold back the sobs threatening to come out. but taemin keeps holding him, drinking in the perfection of his body. the sharp collarbones, the way his hair still smelled amazing, the breaths against his collarbone, his beautiful eyes and smile, jonghyun.
all of it so untainted and perfect, at last.
finally jonghyun takes a deep shuddering breath and returns the embrace, wrapping himself around taemin's upper body. "thank you, taemin. thank you for staying here and being with me. thank you so much."
unknown to jonghyun, taemin stiffens, eyes wide behind jonghyun's back and pulse suddenly racing as his breathing becomes irregular.
when did jonghyun's arms get so long?