"The internet is like prom, and although you want to dance with the prom queen she is an arrogant diva who only wants to dance with quarterbacks and you are no quarterback. You should really just set your sights on one of the drunk freshman who somehow managed to get invited, because unlike our prom queen they will put out."
Maybe tell them it's more like one of those little kids shape sorters? Prevents the idea that you can get off at another exit and take side roads to the original destination.
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Is that more elegant? :P
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