Picspam! For "Coma Chameleon"
So...hi there. It's me. Again. For the third time today (well, I guess it is already tomorrow for some). Sorry about that.
But I got really, really bored tonight and the fic I started 4-5 months ago just. Isn't. Happening. So I thought I'd waste some time on a picspam. I hope no one minds - I know I'm not an official picspam person.
So here it is behind the cut. I hope you get some enjoyment out of it and please excuse my crappy screencaps.
Mary is excited about a picspam. Raph is a little creeped out.
First of all, have y'all been checking out the pictures of Iceland's Eyjafjallajokull volcano?
Look at that thing! It looks like it belongs on a heavy metal album cover or airbrushed on the side of a van or something!
Here's hoping that Katinka Magnúsdóttir is okay, and she isn't suffocating on all the ash or anything.
Okay, on to the story....
It opens up with our Witness of the Week, ATF agent Wade. Wade lives a charmed existence filled with:
Breakfast...
Wind chimes and a cute, braless girlfriend...
and a loser BFF.
Wade and Loser decide to hold a sting operation in the middle of the desert with no backup.
Loser is a druggie and about as helpful as a kick in the crotch. So, to make a long story short -
Loser go beddy-bye...
Wade go "boom"
and wakes up over three years later. He's all confused, pissed off, and he really wants to see his braless girlfriend. Let's move on to the good stuff, shall we?
Domestic Goddess Raphael Ramirez Molina and his Planet of the Apes hair fluff cushions in preparation for the big family visit.
A visit that Mary barely remembers because he only mentioned it during sex.
But you can't really blame the guy. Sex is the only time she actually pays attention to him. Outside of the bedroom she's always blowing him off for work. In the bedroom, when they don't have sex she just tells him, "It's late, I'm tired, and I have to meet my true love, Work, early for breakfast. Less talkie, more sleepy." And, as Mary informs us later in this episode, after sex she just likes to roll over and go to sleep. Poor Dr. Zaius Raph only has a very small window where she might be listening.
Raph tells her to be present, because he wants his family in her heart and her in his family's heart - but not the real her who makes crude fornication jokes! Only the idealized version of Mary that lives in his head, thank you very much!
Suddenly, there's a knock at the door -
Who could it be?!
It's Awesomeness! That's who!
Seriously, Aunt Rita is completely awesome. I really wish she could just move in and every episode ends with Mary and Aunt Rita with their feet up in the living room, joking about fornication and drinking wine.
You know who doesn't joke about fornication?
Ma Raph, that's who. Aunt Rita quickly explains that the fuddy-duddy doesn't approve of Mary and Raph living together in sin, so she isn't coming. But it doesn't matter - Aunt Rita is so awesome there just isn't room for anyone else. She brings with her wisdom and the winds of change.
Suddenly Mary notices something else has followed Aunt Rita into the house...
It's her brain! Back from its extended vacation in Tijuana! This spells trouble. It is gonna be hella-pissed when it learns that Mary went and got engaged while it was gone.
But before Mary's brain can start thumpin' skulls, we're back with Witness Wade:
Everyone talks in circles and blows smoke up Wade's bum while Marshall sits semi-obscured in the shadows, contemplating his scrapped storyline with the buxom pharmaceutical rep and the fact that he can count the number of lines he gets in this episode on his fingers.
Wade is all, "I wanna see my braless girlfriend!" again. Some more.
Marshall is seriously unimpressed and thinks about just going home and taking a nap. Sing it, brother. Wade stomps out and Marshall follows him because he's got nothing better to do. Mary has to be reminded about her very important dinner about her impending marriage (her brain must still be at home, unpacking).
Aunt Rita is awesome. Also, she talks about being married for 46 years.
"Wait, what? Forty-six years? That's like her whole life! Hold on - does this 'marriage' thing mean I'm supposed to spend my life with Raph? What?? What does 'marriage' mean, anyway? I bet it's one of those new-fangled slang terms the kids use. I should look it up on urbandictionary.com..."
Aunt Rita then starts talking about passion and laughter in the good times, and work in the bad times. Now Mary is really worried. She knows all about that "work" and "bad times" stuff, but the rest is a completely foreign concept. Her brain sighs and vows to never leave her alone again.
Mary tries to brush it off with jokes about fornication.
"Woman! What did I tell you about the fornication jokes and not being the real you?!"
Seriously, though - Raph has a huge problem with underestimating the women in his family and thinking they don't have the emotional maturity to handle just about anything. And he's clearly not comfortable with the real Mary. Truly, this is a recipe for success here.
Then Aunt Rita brings up children and you can practically hear the needle scratch across the record:
Again, seriously - who gets this far in the marriage process without discussing kids? Mary can no longer deal and turns to chugging wine to cope. Raph has finally figured out that "Ideal Mary" doesn't actually exist and is acting like "Real Mary" just jumped up on the table and took a dump in the salad bowl:
Ah, yes. There's a look of love. You're just now figuring her out, Chico? Perhaps his brain has been on vacation in Tijuana these many months too.
After dinner, Jinx tells Mary she's moving out and projects her Cinderella fantasy onto her daughter after Mary spent the entire dinner squirming. Real perceptive there, Jinx.
Fortunately, we move away from the brainlessness when Marshall calls Mary to tell her that Witness Wade made a run for it.
Mary scolds some marshals for not waking up under a pile of strippers while Encyclopedia Brown solves the mystery of the sleepy lawmen. It probably helped a lot that Wade was nice enough to leave the empty prescription bottle right next to the coffee pot.
They piece together that he took off to El Paso to go see braless girlfriend. So Liz Phair fires up the guitars and they're off!
Um, driving instead of flying for some reason even though it is really important that they get there before Wade, who is ahead of them by at least a few hours! Maybe Marshall knows of a shortcut or a rip in the time/space continuum just outside of Las Cruces that will get them there in time.
Marshall intentionally makes suggestions that he knows Mary will hate so she can blow off some steam:
But he quickly figures out that it's more than Witness Wade that's got her crawling the walls.
"Is everything okay with you?"
Mary's brain is back home in her head, and she's able to confess that she's more scared, angry and guilty about her engagement than happy. That little bit of news causes Marshall's heart to flutter with hope, no matter how much he tries to swallow it down:
"I want something that is just right. With no argument or doubts. With someone who really knows and understands me. You know - just like what we've going on."
"Oh, well. I guess I'm just a dreamer and I'll never, ever find something like that."
Marshall probably really wants that nap about now.
Witness Wade has decided to spend his considerable lead stalking braless girlfriend. He sits in his car giving her dreamy looks - until Loser drives up and starts making out with her. Then all hell breaks loose. Fortunately, our dynamic duo show up in the nick of time to break it up. Unfortunately, the devil's spawn shows up on the front porch at the same time.
Everyone stops and stares in horror at Damien. He's wandered out of the house because he's pissed that his parents left him in there all by himself so he could be free to drink all the Drain-o under the sink and stick pennies in the light socket. Also, all the racket disturbed his evil plotting to take over the world.
Okay, so maybe that was a bit mean. He's just a little kid. But come on - you totally heard "O Fortuna" start up when he popped up on the porch:
Okay, that was also mean. Sorry, little kid and your parents! The real problem here is that there is no way in hell that the kid is two years old.
Witness Wade does what he does best - he stomps off and throws himself into the backseat of the Marshal-mobile to sulk:
Or maybe he's afraid that little Damien will rain lightning and lava upon him for daring to disturb his family.
So Witness Wade stomps around some more about braless girlfriend, tells Mary she's never been in love and trots out some bull about how it's only real love if it is love at first sight. Then he decides to screw over his partner (Loser) during his testimony. Mary rubs her temples and asks Allison for help.
That night, Raph decides a million years too late that it's time to talk about kids:
But Mary's all, "We're not having sex so you need to shut your pretty little mouth. I've got an early date with Work in the morning." Raph's brain crawls back into his head and he finally figures out that he's in a terrible relationship.
Her work done, Awesome Aunt Rita packs up to leave. But only after showing some extraordinary kindness to Mary and giving her some good advice:
Then she hugs Mary and gets the hell out of Dodge before her own brain falls out of her head. Mary finally starts to figure it all out as the clouds of denial finally begin to lift:
Such is the power of Awesome Aunt Rita.
So Mary and Allison arrange for Witness Wade to meet with braless girlfriend. It's all "Blah, blah, blah, this is hard, I still love you, time to move on, etc." Then it's off to the courtroom.
Marshall, thinking that since he had no more lines he was done with the episode, went home to take that nap. But then they clearly dragged him out of bed and made him go to court without giving him time to put on a tie or even straighten his shirt.
What the hell, wardrobe? Mary got all snazzed up for court, why didn't Marshall?
Witness Wade does the right thing and covers for Loser. Everyone says their good-byes:
Little Damien vows to smite Witness Wade if he ever disturbs his family again.
Mary voice-overs about how she threw a rock at her first love. Seems to me that the only thing that's changed is that she's upgraded to spitballs.
Mary comes home to find Raph in the office with her iMAC COMPUTER.
She senses that something is wrong. And suddenly she really wants to buy an iPad.
"We don't work. In fact, we've never worked. I don't know why the writers have dragged it out for so long. Maybe it's because I'm super-hot."
"You ARE super-hot. But that isn't enough, is it?"
"No, it really isn't. So unless you can think of a super-cool plot twist to keep me around, I'll be on my way. Take care, I love you - oh, and Macs are way superior to PCs."
Alas, Mary cannot think of a super-cool plot twist. But she's thinking that it's really time to upgrade her iPod.
The Apple store is closed, so she goes to see Jinx at her Pretty Princess class:
Ah, come on! That's exactly what it is! Jinx isn't about proper form and discipline! This is about fantasies and twirling! That's why it's all pink tulle and twinkle lights up in that place instead of just plain tights and a barre.
Jinx is a good mama for once and allows her daughter her sorrow. She swallows her own sorrow over the death of her Cinderella fantasy. She's gonna have to find her own Dominican shortstop and live the fantasy herself.
And that's it, y'all! Thanks for stopping by and I hope you had some fun. See you at the Apple store!
But I got really, really bored tonight and the fic I started 4-5 months ago just. Isn't. Happening. So I thought I'd waste some time on a picspam. I hope no one minds - I know I'm not an official picspam person.
So here it is behind the cut. I hope you get some enjoyment out of it and please excuse my crappy screencaps.
Mary is excited about a picspam. Raph is a little creeped out.
First of all, have y'all been checking out the pictures of Iceland's Eyjafjallajokull volcano?
Look at that thing! It looks like it belongs on a heavy metal album cover or airbrushed on the side of a van or something!
Here's hoping that Katinka Magnúsdóttir is okay, and she isn't suffocating on all the ash or anything.
Okay, on to the story....
It opens up with our Witness of the Week, ATF agent Wade. Wade lives a charmed existence filled with:
Breakfast...
Wind chimes and a cute, braless girlfriend...
and a loser BFF.
Wade and Loser decide to hold a sting operation in the middle of the desert with no backup.
Loser is a druggie and about as helpful as a kick in the crotch. So, to make a long story short -
Loser go beddy-bye...
Wade go "boom"
and wakes up over three years later. He's all confused, pissed off, and he really wants to see his braless girlfriend. Let's move on to the good stuff, shall we?
Domestic Goddess Raphael Ramirez Molina and his Planet of the Apes hair fluff cushions in preparation for the big family visit.
A visit that Mary barely remembers because he only mentioned it during sex.
But you can't really blame the guy. Sex is the only time she actually pays attention to him. Outside of the bedroom she's always blowing him off for work. In the bedroom, when they don't have sex she just tells him, "It's late, I'm tired, and I have to meet my true love, Work, early for breakfast. Less talkie, more sleepy." And, as Mary informs us later in this episode, after sex she just likes to roll over and go to sleep. Poor Dr. Zaius Raph only has a very small window where she might be listening.
Raph tells her to be present, because he wants his family in her heart and her in his family's heart - but not the real her who makes crude fornication jokes! Only the idealized version of Mary that lives in his head, thank you very much!
Suddenly, there's a knock at the door -
Who could it be?!
It's Awesomeness! That's who!
Seriously, Aunt Rita is completely awesome. I really wish she could just move in and every episode ends with Mary and Aunt Rita with their feet up in the living room, joking about fornication and drinking wine.
You know who doesn't joke about fornication?
Ma Raph, that's who. Aunt Rita quickly explains that the fuddy-duddy doesn't approve of Mary and Raph living together in sin, so she isn't coming. But it doesn't matter - Aunt Rita is so awesome there just isn't room for anyone else. She brings with her wisdom and the winds of change.
Suddenly Mary notices something else has followed Aunt Rita into the house...
It's her brain! Back from its extended vacation in Tijuana! This spells trouble. It is gonna be hella-pissed when it learns that Mary went and got engaged while it was gone.
But before Mary's brain can start thumpin' skulls, we're back with Witness Wade:
Everyone talks in circles and blows smoke up Wade's bum while Marshall sits semi-obscured in the shadows, contemplating his scrapped storyline with the buxom pharmaceutical rep and the fact that he can count the number of lines he gets in this episode on his fingers.
Wade is all, "I wanna see my braless girlfriend!" again. Some more.
Marshall is seriously unimpressed and thinks about just going home and taking a nap. Sing it, brother. Wade stomps out and Marshall follows him because he's got nothing better to do. Mary has to be reminded about her very important dinner about her impending marriage (her brain must still be at home, unpacking).
Aunt Rita is awesome. Also, she talks about being married for 46 years.
"Wait, what? Forty-six years? That's like her whole life! Hold on - does this 'marriage' thing mean I'm supposed to spend my life with Raph? What?? What does 'marriage' mean, anyway? I bet it's one of those new-fangled slang terms the kids use. I should look it up on urbandictionary.com..."
Aunt Rita then starts talking about passion and laughter in the good times, and work in the bad times. Now Mary is really worried. She knows all about that "work" and "bad times" stuff, but the rest is a completely foreign concept. Her brain sighs and vows to never leave her alone again.
Mary tries to brush it off with jokes about fornication.
"Woman! What did I tell you about the fornication jokes and not being the real you?!"
Seriously, though - Raph has a huge problem with underestimating the women in his family and thinking they don't have the emotional maturity to handle just about anything. And he's clearly not comfortable with the real Mary. Truly, this is a recipe for success here.
Then Aunt Rita brings up children and you can practically hear the needle scratch across the record:
Again, seriously - who gets this far in the marriage process without discussing kids? Mary can no longer deal and turns to chugging wine to cope. Raph has finally figured out that "Ideal Mary" doesn't actually exist and is acting like "Real Mary" just jumped up on the table and took a dump in the salad bowl:
Ah, yes. There's a look of love. You're just now figuring her out, Chico? Perhaps his brain has been on vacation in Tijuana these many months too.
After dinner, Jinx tells Mary she's moving out and projects her Cinderella fantasy onto her daughter after Mary spent the entire dinner squirming. Real perceptive there, Jinx.
Fortunately, we move away from the brainlessness when Marshall calls Mary to tell her that Witness Wade made a run for it.
Mary scolds some marshals for not waking up under a pile of strippers while Encyclopedia Brown solves the mystery of the sleepy lawmen. It probably helped a lot that Wade was nice enough to leave the empty prescription bottle right next to the coffee pot.
They piece together that he took off to El Paso to go see braless girlfriend. So Liz Phair fires up the guitars and they're off!
Um, driving instead of flying for some reason even though it is really important that they get there before Wade, who is ahead of them by at least a few hours! Maybe Marshall knows of a shortcut or a rip in the time/space continuum just outside of Las Cruces that will get them there in time.
Marshall intentionally makes suggestions that he knows Mary will hate so she can blow off some steam:
But he quickly figures out that it's more than Witness Wade that's got her crawling the walls.
"Is everything okay with you?"
Mary's brain is back home in her head, and she's able to confess that she's more scared, angry and guilty about her engagement than happy. That little bit of news causes Marshall's heart to flutter with hope, no matter how much he tries to swallow it down:
"I want something that is just right. With no argument or doubts. With someone who really knows and understands me. You know - just like what we've going on."
"Oh, well. I guess I'm just a dreamer and I'll never, ever find something like that."
Marshall probably really wants that nap about now.
Witness Wade has decided to spend his considerable lead stalking braless girlfriend. He sits in his car giving her dreamy looks - until Loser drives up and starts making out with her. Then all hell breaks loose. Fortunately, our dynamic duo show up in the nick of time to break it up. Unfortunately, the devil's spawn shows up on the front porch at the same time.
Everyone stops and stares in horror at Damien. He's wandered out of the house because he's pissed that his parents left him in there all by himself so he could be free to drink all the Drain-o under the sink and stick pennies in the light socket. Also, all the racket disturbed his evil plotting to take over the world.
Okay, so maybe that was a bit mean. He's just a little kid. But come on - you totally heard "O Fortuna" start up when he popped up on the porch:
Click to viewOkay, that was also mean. Sorry, little kid and your parents! The real problem here is that there is no way in hell that the kid is two years old.
Witness Wade does what he does best - he stomps off and throws himself into the backseat of the Marshal-mobile to sulk:
Or maybe he's afraid that little Damien will rain lightning and lava upon him for daring to disturb his family.
So Witness Wade stomps around some more about braless girlfriend, tells Mary she's never been in love and trots out some bull about how it's only real love if it is love at first sight. Then he decides to screw over his partner (Loser) during his testimony. Mary rubs her temples and asks Allison for help.
That night, Raph decides a million years too late that it's time to talk about kids:
But Mary's all, "We're not having sex so you need to shut your pretty little mouth. I've got an early date with Work in the morning." Raph's brain crawls back into his head and he finally figures out that he's in a terrible relationship.
Her work done, Awesome Aunt Rita packs up to leave. But only after showing some extraordinary kindness to Mary and giving her some good advice:
Then she hugs Mary and gets the hell out of Dodge before her own brain falls out of her head. Mary finally starts to figure it all out as the clouds of denial finally begin to lift:
Such is the power of Awesome Aunt Rita.
So Mary and Allison arrange for Witness Wade to meet with braless girlfriend. It's all "Blah, blah, blah, this is hard, I still love you, time to move on, etc." Then it's off to the courtroom.
Marshall, thinking that since he had no more lines he was done with the episode, went home to take that nap. But then they clearly dragged him out of bed and made him go to court without giving him time to put on a tie or even straighten his shirt.
What the hell, wardrobe? Mary got all snazzed up for court, why didn't Marshall?
Witness Wade does the right thing and covers for Loser. Everyone says their good-byes:
Little Damien vows to smite Witness Wade if he ever disturbs his family again.
Mary voice-overs about how she threw a rock at her first love. Seems to me that the only thing that's changed is that she's upgraded to spitballs.
Mary comes home to find Raph in the office with her iMAC COMPUTER.
She senses that something is wrong. And suddenly she really wants to buy an iPad.
"We don't work. In fact, we've never worked. I don't know why the writers have dragged it out for so long. Maybe it's because I'm super-hot."
"You ARE super-hot. But that isn't enough, is it?"
"No, it really isn't. So unless you can think of a super-cool plot twist to keep me around, I'll be on my way. Take care, I love you - oh, and Macs are way superior to PCs."
Alas, Mary cannot think of a super-cool plot twist. But she's thinking that it's really time to upgrade her iPod.
The Apple store is closed, so she goes to see Jinx at her Pretty Princess class:
Ah, come on! That's exactly what it is! Jinx isn't about proper form and discipline! This is about fantasies and twirling! That's why it's all pink tulle and twinkle lights up in that place instead of just plain tights and a barre.
Jinx is a good mama for once and allows her daughter her sorrow. She swallows her own sorrow over the death of her Cinderella fantasy. She's gonna have to find her own Dominican shortstop and live the fantasy herself.
And that's it, y'all! Thanks for stopping by and I hope you had some fun. See you at the Apple store!