Picspam! For Episode 3.12, "WitSec Stepmother" - Part One
Here's the picspam for the 12th episode - prepare for lots of teen drama!
Marshall can't believe that this is the second episode in a row where Mary robs a buffet...
You know how in infomericals people just seem too stupid to live? They can't seem to do anything without injuring themselves or others and struggle with complicated household objects like...blankets? And you think to yourself, "Oh, come on! No one is that clueless!"
After this episode, I'm beginning to think that Brandi just might be an infomerical person. I mean...seriously. So this Marshall Mann Moment of Nerd-ness is dedicated to Brandi! I'm sure she totally sympathizes with the people who constantly dump food onto their shirts and manage to throw food out of pans or miss the pan completely:
On to the show!
Here's the Where and the When and the Who for our intro.
Brunette teen is all normal and wants to do fun stuff. Blondie is a total goody two-shoes who wants to spend the day studying for a history exam that won't happen for weeks. Nerd!!
She even ditches her friend to go diamond shopping for her mom's birthday. Rich Nerd!!
But then some guys come in and start shooting up the place. In broad daylight. On what appears to be a well-populated street. How ambitious!
Ruh-roh! There go your study plans! But you do win a one-way trip into WitSec! Yay! Sort of.
A couple days later, Blondie is already with our dynamic duo and Mary is reporting that Mom is very late.
Weenie Dad is all passive-aggressive obnoxious about said lateness. Blondie is making excuses. Ah, the fun dysfunction of a family going through a divorce!
Mom finally shows up and is glad to see her daughter isn't all shot up, but she's confused about why they're hiding out with a couple of attractive marshals.
So Marshall makes the introductions - using their real names, by the way. I can't decide if the writers just randomly forget about the whole "alias" thing, or if they just got tired of seeing "WHY DID MARY SAY HER NAME WAS SHEPERD I THOUGHT IT WAS SHANNON I DON'T GET IT>!!!!111!" all over the internet every time they used their aliases in an episode.
What the crap?
"Oh, yes. Your daughter witnessed someone shoot up a jewelry store, so we're whisking her off to the Land of Enchantment. By the way, your daughter totally looks like me."
Mom decides to passive-aggressive at Weenie Dad because it's all about their divorce and not the fact that their daughter could have been killed.
"Yeah, you need to decide if you're coming with right now. Man, the resemblance is uncanny. I shall call her...Mini-Me."
Will Mom drop her super-fabulous life to join her family???
Nope.
Back in the office, Stan has a craptastic assignment covering a reunion for a family that was flung to the four corners when one of them decided to rat out the Colombian drug cartel he was working with.
Mary and Marshall seem less than impressed with the idea of a WitSec Family reunion. Stan might as well be presenting them with a dead rat. Or an autographed nude photo of Faber.
Then poor Marshall is shocked when the craptastic assignment is handed to him. He still hasn't figured out that while the IPS-universe made him awesome, it also makes him pay for it every single day by hating on him. Hard.
Mary complains that she'll be too far away on a visitation with Mini-Me to enjoy Marshall's suffering. I think she's just tired of all the separate assignments lately. Sing it, sister.
Oh, look! The viewers got a hold of Scott and let him know what they think of his storyline!
He tells Brandi that he was mugged by 2-3 dudes, and she's dense enough to believe it. Oh, Brandi.
"Mary! Fix this with your magic!!!"
"Dude, I'm not actually magic! Everyone just acts like I am while they treat Marshall like chopped liver!"
Well, looks like Mini-Me has hooked up with every mother's worst nightmare.
Yep. The eyeliner and the insolent teen expression tell us that she's going through a bit of a rebellious period.
Apparently the cover story is that Mary is a potential stepmother to Mini-Me. But Mary assures us that the relationship is only at the Facebook poking level, and not the actual dirty poking level.
Once away from Mr. Wonderful, Mary is all "What the hell?" and Mini-Me is all "Teen sassiness!"
They stop by home just long enough to remind us what a weenie Dad is...
And how little Mini-Me respects him.
"Oh, could you harass my rich wife for the child support payment? I'm too much of a passive-aggressive weenie to do it myself."
"Not my job, Weenie."
"Passive-aggressive weeniness!!!"
"Gee, I can't imagine why she divorced you. Weenie."
But Mary agrees to ask for the check.
Then he weenies some more right at Mini-Me's face, and she totally blows him off.
Mary tries to cheer her up my telling her that they are going to Chicago and playing up all Chicago has to offer. All she gets is teen sassiness and negativity in return.
That's right, Mary. This is what it feels like to deal with someone who dumps all over everything and is negative all the time and loves being a contrarian just to be an even bigger annoying ass ache. How does it feel to have the shoe on the other foot, hmmmmm?
Brandi tries for the "Enabler of the Year" award by not only giving Scott a place to crash, but by giving his addict's ass heavy narcotics and a booze chaser. Or maybe she's just trying to kill him so she can move onto another storyline.
Naw. She really is just that dense. Anyone miss Troubled Brandi about how? I do. She was fun.
"Soooo, yeah. I wasn't exactly mugged. I just might owe some very angry people a large sum of money."
And instead of calling Peter up to remind her how she shouldn't be enabling Scott, she just starts beating herself up for not just draining her bank account and handing it all to Scott. Oh, Boring Brandi. Troubled Brandi would have at least slapped the guy.
Back in the office, Marshall meets a guest marshal, who unlike the string Mary has had to work with, seems pretty competent and like a nice person. Too bad I can't remember his name and I'm too lazy to look. Sorry, nice marshal!
This is Eli. He was the one who blew up his family by turning on the drug cartel. He's shocked to learn that his brother Jim Walsh is coming to the reunion. He says that Jim Walsh has hated him ever since he flushed his GI Joes down the toilet.
That's Marshall's cue to start philosophizing about grudges and forgiveness, because she's all about clean slates and second chances.
Eli actually listens and digs what Marshall's saying. Oh, man. Marshall is gonna love this guy!
Yep. He loves it.
But then Eli starts complimenting Marshall's pen and says that he looks like an autumn. Is that a weird way of hitting on him?
Oh, no! It's a way to sell him a pen cozy! Oh, good lord.
And in one second, all the love evaporates away and Marshall has to paste a fake look of delight on his face.
Man. He knows that Mary will never let him live this down.
"I'll even let you be an investor in my totally awesome pen cozy business!"
"Yeah, I'm not that dumb. But I know someone who is with $10K burning a hole in her pocket! Brandi Shannon - that's Brandi with an "I" at the end."
Over in the Windy City, Mom is late. Again. Some more.
Mini-Me just brushes it off and complains about her virginity and the salad.
Mary is worried her thumbs will fall off before she even gets to second base.
"Dude, they changed second base."
"What? You can't change it!" Seriously. How can they even change it? And what is it supposed to be now? I'm telling you, abstinence-only education is just confusing these kids.
But then Mary learns that they've lost contact with Mom, and she has to haul Mini-Me out of there.
Back in ABQ, Jim Walsh is drinking booze and making a suspicious phone call.
And then he oh-so-casually hangs up when Marshall walks in the room. Except not.
"Yeah, that totally wasn't suspicious at all."
Jim Walsh claims that he was ordering a case of champagne from the Gruet winery
Get used to them name-dropping that ABQ winery A LOT here.
And Marshall loves the GRUET WINERY so much that he doesn't even correct Jim Walsh and let him know that what he ordered was a case of sparkling wine. It isn't champagne unless it comes from the actual Champagne region in France.
Come on, Marshall. You should know that! I learned that from Wayne's World when I was a kid, for crying out loud! I'm so disappointed.
But then Marshall is soon distracted by Jim Walsh complaining about how much Eli sucks.
Oh, Marshall. You're not using that cozy!
Yep. Busted.
This leads Jim Walsh to whine about how Eli's cozies suck too. And then he wonders aloud why he even bothered to show up when he hates Eli so hard.
"Yes. Good question. And you're not at all setting off all my alarm bells or anything."
Jim Walsh leaves to dream of a better life in Beverly Hills, and Marshall is left to wonder why the universe has given him yet another witness who can't obey the law.
Back in Chicago, Mini-Me takes a guilt trip about ruining her family by witnessing a crime.
But she perks right up when Mom finally decides to show.
Mom is waaaaaay too defensive about being late, saying it wasn't her fault. Me thinks the lady doth protest too much.
Mary ain't buying it. She's got alarm bells too, and they are finely tuned to crappy parents.
Sure enough, Mom drops the bomb that she basically has to run right back out the door for another meeting she just couldn't help. Right. Remember that excuse for later in the episode.
Mini-Me is heartbroken.
Mary is all, "You suck. Also, your weenie ex-husband wants his check."
The next morning, Mom and Mini-Me have a tense breakfast while Mary wonders how long she has to wait until she can pounce on the table and start hoovering up their food.
Mom takes off to her oh-so-important meeting and tries to buy Mini-Me off with some Monopoly money. Probably the same that was used in a previous episode.
Mary tries to get Mini-Me to talk about her feelings, and is shocked, SHOCKED to be completely shut out with a bunch of sarcasm. Mary's never done that before!
"Yeah, how's that shoe fitting on the other foot?"
Will Mini-Me's parents ever stop sucking?? Will Marshall leave the USMS to pursue his pen cozy dreams??? Find out in Part Two!
Marshall can't believe that this is the second episode in a row where Mary robs a buffet...
You know how in infomericals people just seem too stupid to live? They can't seem to do anything without injuring themselves or others and struggle with complicated household objects like...blankets? And you think to yourself, "Oh, come on! No one is that clueless!"
After this episode, I'm beginning to think that Brandi just might be an infomerical person. I mean...seriously. So this Marshall Mann Moment of Nerd-ness is dedicated to Brandi! I'm sure she totally sympathizes with the people who constantly dump food onto their shirts and manage to throw food out of pans or miss the pan completely:
Click to viewOn to the show!
Here's the Where and the When and the Who for our intro.
Brunette teen is all normal and wants to do fun stuff. Blondie is a total goody two-shoes who wants to spend the day studying for a history exam that won't happen for weeks. Nerd!!
She even ditches her friend to go diamond shopping for her mom's birthday. Rich Nerd!!
But then some guys come in and start shooting up the place. In broad daylight. On what appears to be a well-populated street. How ambitious!
Ruh-roh! There go your study plans! But you do win a one-way trip into WitSec! Yay! Sort of.
A couple days later, Blondie is already with our dynamic duo and Mary is reporting that Mom is very late.
Weenie Dad is all passive-aggressive obnoxious about said lateness. Blondie is making excuses. Ah, the fun dysfunction of a family going through a divorce!
Mom finally shows up and is glad to see her daughter isn't all shot up, but she's confused about why they're hiding out with a couple of attractive marshals.
So Marshall makes the introductions - using their real names, by the way. I can't decide if the writers just randomly forget about the whole "alias" thing, or if they just got tired of seeing "WHY DID MARY SAY HER NAME WAS SHEPERD I THOUGHT IT WAS SHANNON I DON'T GET IT>!!!!111!" all over the internet every time they used their aliases in an episode.
What the crap?
"Oh, yes. Your daughter witnessed someone shoot up a jewelry store, so we're whisking her off to the Land of Enchantment. By the way, your daughter totally looks like me."
Mom decides to passive-aggressive at Weenie Dad because it's all about their divorce and not the fact that their daughter could have been killed.
"Yeah, you need to decide if you're coming with right now. Man, the resemblance is uncanny. I shall call her...Mini-Me."
Will Mom drop her super-fabulous life to join her family???
Nope.
Back in the office, Stan has a craptastic assignment covering a reunion for a family that was flung to the four corners when one of them decided to rat out the Colombian drug cartel he was working with.
Mary and Marshall seem less than impressed with the idea of a WitSec Family reunion. Stan might as well be presenting them with a dead rat. Or an autographed nude photo of Faber.
Then poor Marshall is shocked when the craptastic assignment is handed to him. He still hasn't figured out that while the IPS-universe made him awesome, it also makes him pay for it every single day by hating on him. Hard.
Mary complains that she'll be too far away on a visitation with Mini-Me to enjoy Marshall's suffering. I think she's just tired of all the separate assignments lately. Sing it, sister.
Oh, look! The viewers got a hold of Scott and let him know what they think of his storyline!
He tells Brandi that he was mugged by 2-3 dudes, and she's dense enough to believe it. Oh, Brandi.
"Mary! Fix this with your magic!!!"
"Dude, I'm not actually magic! Everyone just acts like I am while they treat Marshall like chopped liver!"
Well, looks like Mini-Me has hooked up with every mother's worst nightmare.
Yep. The eyeliner and the insolent teen expression tell us that she's going through a bit of a rebellious period.
Apparently the cover story is that Mary is a potential stepmother to Mini-Me. But Mary assures us that the relationship is only at the Facebook poking level, and not the actual dirty poking level.
Once away from Mr. Wonderful, Mary is all "What the hell?" and Mini-Me is all "Teen sassiness!"
They stop by home just long enough to remind us what a weenie Dad is...
And how little Mini-Me respects him.
"Oh, could you harass my rich wife for the child support payment? I'm too much of a passive-aggressive weenie to do it myself."
"Not my job, Weenie."
"Passive-aggressive weeniness!!!"
"Gee, I can't imagine why she divorced you. Weenie."
But Mary agrees to ask for the check.
Then he weenies some more right at Mini-Me's face, and she totally blows him off.
Mary tries to cheer her up my telling her that they are going to Chicago and playing up all Chicago has to offer. All she gets is teen sassiness and negativity in return.
That's right, Mary. This is what it feels like to deal with someone who dumps all over everything and is negative all the time and loves being a contrarian just to be an even bigger annoying ass ache. How does it feel to have the shoe on the other foot, hmmmmm?
Brandi tries for the "Enabler of the Year" award by not only giving Scott a place to crash, but by giving his addict's ass heavy narcotics and a booze chaser. Or maybe she's just trying to kill him so she can move onto another storyline.
Naw. She really is just that dense. Anyone miss Troubled Brandi about how? I do. She was fun.
"Soooo, yeah. I wasn't exactly mugged. I just might owe some very angry people a large sum of money."
And instead of calling Peter up to remind her how she shouldn't be enabling Scott, she just starts beating herself up for not just draining her bank account and handing it all to Scott. Oh, Boring Brandi. Troubled Brandi would have at least slapped the guy.
Back in the office, Marshall meets a guest marshal, who unlike the string Mary has had to work with, seems pretty competent and like a nice person. Too bad I can't remember his name and I'm too lazy to look. Sorry, nice marshal!
This is Eli. He was the one who blew up his family by turning on the drug cartel. He's shocked to learn that his brother Jim Walsh is coming to the reunion. He says that Jim Walsh has hated him ever since he flushed his GI Joes down the toilet.
That's Marshall's cue to start philosophizing about grudges and forgiveness, because she's all about clean slates and second chances.
Eli actually listens and digs what Marshall's saying. Oh, man. Marshall is gonna love this guy!
Yep. He loves it.
But then Eli starts complimenting Marshall's pen and says that he looks like an autumn. Is that a weird way of hitting on him?
Oh, no! It's a way to sell him a pen cozy! Oh, good lord.
And in one second, all the love evaporates away and Marshall has to paste a fake look of delight on his face.
Man. He knows that Mary will never let him live this down.
"I'll even let you be an investor in my totally awesome pen cozy business!"
"Yeah, I'm not that dumb. But I know someone who is with $10K burning a hole in her pocket! Brandi Shannon - that's Brandi with an "I" at the end."
Over in the Windy City, Mom is late. Again. Some more.
Mini-Me just brushes it off and complains about her virginity and the salad.
Mary is worried her thumbs will fall off before she even gets to second base.
"Dude, they changed second base."
"What? You can't change it!" Seriously. How can they even change it? And what is it supposed to be now? I'm telling you, abstinence-only education is just confusing these kids.
But then Mary learns that they've lost contact with Mom, and she has to haul Mini-Me out of there.
Back in ABQ, Jim Walsh is drinking booze and making a suspicious phone call.
And then he oh-so-casually hangs up when Marshall walks in the room. Except not.
"Yeah, that totally wasn't suspicious at all."
Jim Walsh claims that he was ordering a case of champagne from the Gruet winery
Get used to them name-dropping that ABQ winery A LOT here.
And Marshall loves the GRUET WINERY so much that he doesn't even correct Jim Walsh and let him know that what he ordered was a case of sparkling wine. It isn't champagne unless it comes from the actual Champagne region in France.
Come on, Marshall. You should know that! I learned that from Wayne's World when I was a kid, for crying out loud! I'm so disappointed.
But then Marshall is soon distracted by Jim Walsh complaining about how much Eli sucks.
Oh, Marshall. You're not using that cozy!
Yep. Busted.
This leads Jim Walsh to whine about how Eli's cozies suck too. And then he wonders aloud why he even bothered to show up when he hates Eli so hard.
"Yes. Good question. And you're not at all setting off all my alarm bells or anything."
Jim Walsh leaves to dream of a better life in Beverly Hills, and Marshall is left to wonder why the universe has given him yet another witness who can't obey the law.
Back in Chicago, Mini-Me takes a guilt trip about ruining her family by witnessing a crime.
But she perks right up when Mom finally decides to show.
Mom is waaaaaay too defensive about being late, saying it wasn't her fault. Me thinks the lady doth protest too much.
Mary ain't buying it. She's got alarm bells too, and they are finely tuned to crappy parents.
Sure enough, Mom drops the bomb that she basically has to run right back out the door for another meeting she just couldn't help. Right. Remember that excuse for later in the episode.
Mini-Me is heartbroken.
Mary is all, "You suck. Also, your weenie ex-husband wants his check."
The next morning, Mom and Mini-Me have a tense breakfast while Mary wonders how long she has to wait until she can pounce on the table and start hoovering up their food.
Mom takes off to her oh-so-important meeting and tries to buy Mini-Me off with some Monopoly money. Probably the same that was used in a previous episode.
Mary tries to get Mini-Me to talk about her feelings, and is shocked, SHOCKED to be completely shut out with a bunch of sarcasm. Mary's never done that before!
"Yeah, how's that shoe fitting on the other foot?"
Will Mini-Me's parents ever stop sucking?? Will Marshall leave the USMS to pursue his pen cozy dreams??? Find out in Part Two!