R.I.P. Hope you get reincarnated.
That's it... She's dead...
The bird I've looked after for 4-5 years is dead. The 12th bird of the 11 that died. That 12th bird is dead.
It hurts like a bitch.
I didn't know... I didn't know... I always thought that my dad or mom would just take care of her by theirselves and didn't want me to touch her. I didn't know... It was so stupid of me to be such a god damned lazy bitch and not even check before school or before I did anything to see if she had any food or water...
She starved to death.
I cried my fucking eyes out. I told her, my mom, "Don't throw her over the fence.". She didn't listen to me and threw her over the fence and onto the road where cars go by all the time. I didn't want my bird to end up like that. To die and be meaningless.
I cried even more. My mom came to me and said it was my fault. That I paid too much attention to my friends. Is it true...? I guess so... She said it was my fault that the bird died. It was my fault that she died. It was my fault that it died. It was my fault. My fault. My freaking fault.
I cried even more again. She just kept yelling at me and said it was my fault that she died. That I was just a stupid kid.
I suppose I am... Then she tells me to be an adult and told me not to cry anymore. Then after taking a dozen spaztacular breaths to calm myself down, she told me it was my fault again.
It felt like something was trying to tear open my chest and just rip whatever it liked out.
It was MY fault. MY FAULT. No matter how insignificant a lost life seems, it hurts like hell, especially when it's MY fault.
This really sucks like hell. I've been told "You're not a kid anymore." since I was eight. So I try to be an adult. I try and I try, I can't cry, I can't cry... So when I try to do something 'adult-like' it's like I get my hand slapped away and pushed down and I'm told that I'm just a kid and I can't do anything. Then they go back and tell me to stop being a kid and be an adult, so I try to be an adult again to only let the same thing happen again. I'm both a kid and an adult. Yet, I'm neither. I'm a teenager, but I'm not that either...
It's my fault... I walk near her cage often too. Why didn't I notice? No water... no food... It's my fault. It's MY FAULT.
Everything is going downhill. I don't think I can bounce back like usuall. I don't think I can. I'm just too tired of trying to be happy everyday anymore. Just too tired... It just weights me down even more after every screw up I do. This is my fault... I could have just checked yesterday... She was alive yesterday... If I just glanced... She would still be alive now.
But she isn't.
It felt like a part of me was ripped away. I was so used to seeing the bird... Even at a distance. I was so used to it. I don't think I can take it if I don't see or hear the same chirpy bird I've heard for 4 years. I don't think I can cope with it...
I wonder... what it's like to not eat for days... I really wonder... to be starved to death and suddenly not live anymore. One day you're alive, the next moment, you're in the corner of a cold dull white cage, dead while no one notices.
I'm going to see what it's like to not eat for a few days. I don't care, I'm not going to eat. I don't care anymore.
As my mom yells at me, I wonder if our relationship is just a pet and owner thing... I don't know when she really ever treated me as her daughter. She treats me like a dog. I'm obediant as ever, but I do missbehave once in a while. I always talked about it jokingly... but now I wonder... What if I died? Would she see me as an insignificant unmoving slab of nothing and throw me over some fence to just rot alone? I don't want to ask. She'd just call me crazy and yell at me.
I'm just a dog to my mom. Kaiko gets better treatment. She actually says "I love you" to him. Not me. Maybe she thinks I'm an adult in that and that I don't need to be told anymore...? God... I'm just a dog to my mom... I'm obediant, I love her even though she treats me wrong, I listen to her (usually), I retrieve stuff for her... I even sit when she tells me to. What's wrong with me?
I really need someone that isn't a family member, to just sit next to silently and maybe just hug for a while. I really don't want to just talk about it. It just makes me feel worse.
Oh god... It's my fault...
Knowing that one life is gone because of me hurts like hell...
The bird I've looked after for 4-5 years is dead. The 12th bird of the 11 that died. That 12th bird is dead.
It hurts like a bitch.
I didn't know... I didn't know... I always thought that my dad or mom would just take care of her by theirselves and didn't want me to touch her. I didn't know... It was so stupid of me to be such a god damned lazy bitch and not even check before school or before I did anything to see if she had any food or water...
She starved to death.
I cried my fucking eyes out. I told her, my mom, "Don't throw her over the fence.". She didn't listen to me and threw her over the fence and onto the road where cars go by all the time. I didn't want my bird to end up like that. To die and be meaningless.
I cried even more. My mom came to me and said it was my fault. That I paid too much attention to my friends. Is it true...? I guess so... She said it was my fault that the bird died. It was my fault that she died. It was my fault that it died. It was my fault. My fault. My freaking fault.
I cried even more again. She just kept yelling at me and said it was my fault that she died. That I was just a stupid kid.
I suppose I am... Then she tells me to be an adult and told me not to cry anymore. Then after taking a dozen spaztacular breaths to calm myself down, she told me it was my fault again.
It felt like something was trying to tear open my chest and just rip whatever it liked out.
It was MY fault. MY FAULT. No matter how insignificant a lost life seems, it hurts like hell, especially when it's MY fault.
This really sucks like hell. I've been told "You're not a kid anymore." since I was eight. So I try to be an adult. I try and I try, I can't cry, I can't cry... So when I try to do something 'adult-like' it's like I get my hand slapped away and pushed down and I'm told that I'm just a kid and I can't do anything. Then they go back and tell me to stop being a kid and be an adult, so I try to be an adult again to only let the same thing happen again. I'm both a kid and an adult. Yet, I'm neither. I'm a teenager, but I'm not that either...
It's my fault... I walk near her cage often too. Why didn't I notice? No water... no food... It's my fault. It's MY FAULT.
Everything is going downhill. I don't think I can bounce back like usuall. I don't think I can. I'm just too tired of trying to be happy everyday anymore. Just too tired... It just weights me down even more after every screw up I do. This is my fault... I could have just checked yesterday... She was alive yesterday... If I just glanced... She would still be alive now.
But she isn't.
It felt like a part of me was ripped away. I was so used to seeing the bird... Even at a distance. I was so used to it. I don't think I can take it if I don't see or hear the same chirpy bird I've heard for 4 years. I don't think I can cope with it...
I wonder... what it's like to not eat for days... I really wonder... to be starved to death and suddenly not live anymore. One day you're alive, the next moment, you're in the corner of a cold dull white cage, dead while no one notices.
I'm going to see what it's like to not eat for a few days. I don't care, I'm not going to eat. I don't care anymore.
As my mom yells at me, I wonder if our relationship is just a pet and owner thing... I don't know when she really ever treated me as her daughter. She treats me like a dog. I'm obediant as ever, but I do missbehave once in a while. I always talked about it jokingly... but now I wonder... What if I died? Would she see me as an insignificant unmoving slab of nothing and throw me over some fence to just rot alone? I don't want to ask. She'd just call me crazy and yell at me.
I'm just a dog to my mom. Kaiko gets better treatment. She actually says "I love you" to him. Not me. Maybe she thinks I'm an adult in that and that I don't need to be told anymore...? God... I'm just a dog to my mom... I'm obediant, I love her even though she treats me wrong, I listen to her (usually), I retrieve stuff for her... I even sit when she tells me to. What's wrong with me?
I really need someone that isn't a family member, to just sit next to silently and maybe just hug for a while. I really don't want to just talk about it. It just makes me feel worse.
Oh god... It's my fault...
Knowing that one life is gone because of me hurts like hell...