XXBoys, Public Shaming and Accountability
I'm just reposting what I put up on Friendster. I am not going to get back into the discussion on everyone's favorite community right now, but in case you've been hearing about this, here are my thoughts.
So bulletins and posts and emails and blogs have been flying all over about this, and some of what's being said is really disturbing to me. Given the posts on friendster, and that I don't have a myspace account, I guess this seemed like the best way for me to throw in my two cents.
Now, as a disclaimer, I don't know any of the people involved. I don't know Kael, I haven't participated in the XXBoys project, I don't live in San Francisco. I do, however, have some experience with issues of sexual assault allegations in the queer community, and the question of how we handle such things is important. Both as individuals and as a group of people that like to at least occasionally claim some level of responsibility and accountability to one another.
I'm not sure that the choices some people have made to wage a boycott campaign over the internet are the ones I would have made, or would recommend another person or group make in the future. I also would recommend that Kael rethink the arguments he has made as to why he couldn't possibly have done it. The burden of proof should of course not be on
him, but the idea that somehow not being a man means that you cannot rape is ridiculous (his terms, not mine). The idea that queer people somehow do not hurt and abuse each other is ridiculous. The idea that survivors are never abusers or assailants is ridiculous. Certainly to be falsely accused and defamed would be a terrible
thing. But the fact that guys who have worked with him have been comfortable really doesn't mean anything when the people who are claiming he has behaved inappropriately, as far as I know, are all women. Think about this for a second. One of the
important things about male or masculine privilege is not to assume that everyone has it. This is basic. But assuming that because you, a butch or a man or an FTM, however you identify, are okay with being around someone, does not mean that they are
not capable of making other people uncofortable, behaving inappropriately with them, or abusing them. This is feminism and survivor ally 101.
We need to think about how we as a community can protect ourselves and each other. But I can say, for myself, that hearing people call out a woman for public disclosure of abuse or assault does nothing to make me feel safer. Disbelieving someone, or calling their claims less than valid because of the accused's "contribution" does more than frustrate and annoy me, it illustrates how unsafe those communities are for everyone. We don't feel safe using the societal institutions like the police, and we eat our own. How safe do you feel?
So bulletins and posts and emails and blogs have been flying all over about this, and some of what's being said is really disturbing to me. Given the posts on friendster, and that I don't have a myspace account, I guess this seemed like the best way for me to throw in my two cents.
Now, as a disclaimer, I don't know any of the people involved. I don't know Kael, I haven't participated in the XXBoys project, I don't live in San Francisco. I do, however, have some experience with issues of sexual assault allegations in the queer community, and the question of how we handle such things is important. Both as individuals and as a group of people that like to at least occasionally claim some level of responsibility and accountability to one another.
I'm not sure that the choices some people have made to wage a boycott campaign over the internet are the ones I would have made, or would recommend another person or group make in the future. I also would recommend that Kael rethink the arguments he has made as to why he couldn't possibly have done it. The burden of proof should of course not be on
him, but the idea that somehow not being a man means that you cannot rape is ridiculous (his terms, not mine). The idea that queer people somehow do not hurt and abuse each other is ridiculous. The idea that survivors are never abusers or assailants is ridiculous. Certainly to be falsely accused and defamed would be a terrible
thing. But the fact that guys who have worked with him have been comfortable really doesn't mean anything when the people who are claiming he has behaved inappropriately, as far as I know, are all women. Think about this for a second. One of the
important things about male or masculine privilege is not to assume that everyone has it. This is basic. But assuming that because you, a butch or a man or an FTM, however you identify, are okay with being around someone, does not mean that they are
not capable of making other people uncofortable, behaving inappropriately with them, or abusing them. This is feminism and survivor ally 101.
We need to think about how we as a community can protect ourselves and each other. But I can say, for myself, that hearing people call out a woman for public disclosure of abuse or assault does nothing to make me feel safer. Disbelieving someone, or calling their claims less than valid because of the accused's "contribution" does more than frustrate and annoy me, it illustrates how unsafe those communities are for everyone. We don't feel safe using the societal institutions like the police, and we eat our own. How safe do you feel?