You're Alive? Garrus/Shep
anonymous
April 18 2012, 11:17:59 UTC
Not sure if this has been done or not, I felt when Shepard and Garrus met again on Omega after Project Lazarus there wasn't enough OMGWTFBBQYOURALIVE.
So Anon wants to see Garrus trying to make himself believe Shep is alive. A touch there, a push here, a Turian growl over this way.
Bonus - Would prefer Fem!Shep but up to anon's - Garrus breaks down in Shepard's arms - I will have anon's babies if fluff or sexy time can be worked in - Isn't gradual, something triggers the break down
Re: Beating Like A Hammer 5/?
anonymous
April 20 2012, 21:35:38 UTC
Thanks for all the kind words, Anons! Sorry for the delay and just a short update for now. Had to write this on lunch at work today. Will hopefully have time to work on it some more tonight. Hate to leave you hanging ;)
~~~
If this is a hallucination, Garrus never wants to be sane again. No, he’d rather stay here, absorbed in the feel of her in his arms, her scent - gunmetal and ice - filling his senses, and the taste of her sweat tingling on his tongue, forever.
But if this is real, if this is real, he wants to give it up even less
( ... )
Re: Beating Like A Hammer 5/?
anonymous
April 20 2012, 23:07:07 UTC
I love your imagery, and the plot, and the interaction between characters.
I just have one tiny nitpick: you use the compound continuous form of verbs (joining, breaking) where the simple present would work (joins, breaks), or you could just add a conjugation of 'to be' to make it correct. A lot of your sentences are fragments currently because of this, but it's fairly simple to fix, e.g.:
With a growl, he fumbles at the latches of her hardsuit. It is a growl that grows in volume as her oh-so-human mouth with those oh-so-soft lips glides along his mandibles over and over again as she applies gentle suction along their length. Her tongue joins in to taste him. She is breaking his concentration as, piece by piece, he reveals her body to his questing hands.
Sorry. I really, really love this story; the characterization is fascinating and the desperation in Garrus' thoughts comes through clearly, but I just get jarred out of reading by the sentence fragments.
Please, do keep writing this. I look forward to more.
Re: Beating Like A Hammer 5/?
anonymous
April 20 2012, 23:22:52 UTC
A!A here: No worries, Anon! Concrit is absolutely welcome, and I will take your suggestions under advisement when I do the final rewrite of this before posting it elsewhere. I'll admit that I have a penchant for using sentence fragments intentionally in my fics as a way of showcasing scattered thoughts (it's something I enjoy when reading as well), BUT there is a fine line between using it well, and using it TOO much, and if it is jarring you out of the story enough to comment, then I have clearly crossed that line! So thank you for speaking up :)
Re: Beating Like A Hammer 5/?
anonymous
April 21 2012, 01:14:10 UTC
Oh, phew. I always hesitate to comment on little grammatical nitpicks, but in this case, I really like the story and that's the only jarring note.
I agree, though: used sparingly, fragmented sentences help quite a bit in a stream of consciousness writing style, and the choppiness can definitely be an indicator of the character's thought patterns. In this case, though, hm-- wonder if it could be maintained, but without the present participle form and linking it back to a subject?
*puts away the editing links* ... sorry. D:
Anyway! This really is an awesome fill. I adore fics that play with the Archangel recruitment mission.
So Anon wants to see Garrus trying to make himself believe Shep is alive. A touch there, a push here, a Turian growl over this way.
Bonus
- Would prefer Fem!Shep but up to anon's
- Garrus breaks down in Shepard's arms
- I will have anon's babies if fluff or sexy time can be worked in
- Isn't gradual, something triggers the break down
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Looking forward to more A!A
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anon, you already made me work today b/c i was reading this this morning... i was hoping for more when i got home :(
will be eagerly awaiting the next installment...
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~~~
If this is a hallucination, Garrus never wants to be sane again. No, he’d rather stay here, absorbed in the feel of her in his arms, her scent - gunmetal and ice - filling his senses, and the taste of her sweat tingling on his tongue, forever.
But if this is real, if this is real, he wants to give it up even less ( ... )
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*cries misty, happy shakarian tears*
I love this, a!a. I will be in anguish until you finish it! :D D:
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I just have one tiny nitpick: you use the compound continuous form of verbs (joining, breaking) where the simple present would work (joins, breaks), or you could just add a conjugation of 'to be' to make it correct. A lot of your sentences are fragments currently because of this, but it's fairly simple to fix, e.g.:
With a growl, he fumbles at the latches of her hardsuit. It is a growl that grows in volume as her oh-so-human mouth with those oh-so-soft lips glides along his mandibles over and over again as she applies gentle suction along their length. Her tongue joins in to taste him. She is breaking his concentration as, piece by piece, he reveals her body to his questing hands.
Sorry. I really, really love this story; the characterization is fascinating and the desperation in Garrus' thoughts comes through clearly, but I just get jarred out of reading by the sentence fragments.
Please, do keep writing this. I look forward to more.
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(And I'm also glad that you like it so far!)
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I agree, though: used sparingly, fragmented sentences help quite a bit in a stream of consciousness writing style, and the choppiness can definitely be an indicator of the character's thought patterns. In this case, though, hm-- wonder if it could be maintained, but without the present participle form and linking it back to a subject?
*puts away the editing links* ... sorry. D:
Anyway! This really is an awesome fill. I adore fics that play with the Archangel recruitment mission.
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There must be more? //anxiously awaits//
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