Koan#17. Invitations
Time for hardcore.
It happened on Saturday. In this one I want to use the names otherwise I feel that I'm going to lose some important sense in this koan.
So, Saturday.
[Introduction]
We were talking on the phone with S.O. and I asked her about the trip to SPb in June. Even before New Year I asked (invited) her to come to SPb to support me at the marathon. And she told this wonderful: "Yes, I'd love to be the person to give you a caramel energy bar at the 30th kilometer!" I'll be grateful for this till my last breath. I mean it.
June is approaching, it's time to discuss details and book rooms. So I asked S.O. if she had made up her mind.
'Well...', she began. 'Actually, I was thinking about going to Ladoga around that time'.
'Dan', I hear myself saying.
'What 'Dan'?'
'He told me that he was not sure if he could manage to come to SPb because he had been planning to go to Ladoga'
'Um, yes. We were invited by our acquaintance'
'And what is Ladoga?'
'It's a festival of contact improvisation. A week from the 28th of June till the 6th of July'.
At this moment I watch my world going into pieces am painfully disappointed in my previous model of how this world works and what the relationships are. I needed a few moments to collect myself.
'You know, I'm trying very hard not to feel offended'
'Why?'
'No one told me'
'Well, I'm telling you now'.
That was really painful. I felt struck out of life. It would be better if it wasn't contact improvisation.
Both D. and S.O. know, perfectly know how deeply I love dancing and especially contact improvisation. I've written about it a lot. Dan himself said this: 'I believe, your heaven is when you move'.
So the question I didn't have an answer to was: 'Why no one told me that I can spend a week in heaven?'
[The koan]
The koan
'I always keep images of certain people special to me in mind and when I see something special I think: "Oh, this person would love it" - and I usually share' - 'They know that something is heaven for me but they don't share'
[Consolations]
Consolations
1. They want to keep it to themselves and/or they don't want my company.
Okay, I can behave in such a way as if we don't know each other. I won't bother you...
Refutation: luckily, I've been through this.
2. The think that I'll be busy at that time.
Yes, I've told that I wanted to run a marathon but if I choose between one day of a marathon, one day of immobility due to leg pain and one week of heaven and, goddamnit, goodmornings, I just needn't choose. Running for four or five hours is dull. Contact improvisation is heaven. That's it.
3. The don't associate me with dancing because I don't take classes or so.
Refutation: we danced with Dan. He knows.
Refutation: he may have forgotten. His memory is quite selective.
4. It's just not likely to happen: to dance again, and for S.O. - to burst into a thousand of tiny clouds.
Refutation: recently I've been trying to stop thinking in terms of destiny. People do things.
5. The trip to SPb looked artificial enough even to me (as I invited people), so people just chose more natural things.
Yes, I can understand.
[Solution]
The solution
Having finished talking to S.O. I sang mantras for twenty minutes and then called Dan to ask, why. He didn't have time to talk. I was dazed and confused till the mid-Sunday when I finally solved this one. And on Sunday evening I even got the answer to 'why?' but I didn't have a chance to tell about this koan. I think, I won't have a chance, so, I'm posting this koan here.
The solution is beautiful and I've known it since the day Sandy came but I consciously applied it only now.
I wrote an e-mail to the manager of the festival and asked if they had already planned morning yoga and if they had had a person to give these morning lessons. If they had not I would have been glad to be this person, I wrote.
If I generalize, the solution is: "Make this your personal story, independently of people you long to be with".
P.S. I didn't get an answer from the manager of the festival but it doesn't matter.
It happened on Saturday. In this one I want to use the names otherwise I feel that I'm going to lose some important sense in this koan.
So, Saturday.
[Introduction]
We were talking on the phone with S.O. and I asked her about the trip to SPb in June. Even before New Year I asked (invited) her to come to SPb to support me at the marathon. And she told this wonderful: "Yes, I'd love to be the person to give you a caramel energy bar at the 30th kilometer!" I'll be grateful for this till my last breath. I mean it.
June is approaching, it's time to discuss details and book rooms. So I asked S.O. if she had made up her mind.
'Well...', she began. 'Actually, I was thinking about going to Ladoga around that time'.
'Dan', I hear myself saying.
'What 'Dan'?'
'He told me that he was not sure if he could manage to come to SPb because he had been planning to go to Ladoga'
'Um, yes. We were invited by our acquaintance'
'And what is Ladoga?'
'It's a festival of contact improvisation. A week from the 28th of June till the 6th of July'.
At this moment I watch my world going into pieces am painfully disappointed in my previous model of how this world works and what the relationships are. I needed a few moments to collect myself.
'You know, I'm trying very hard not to feel offended'
'Why?'
'No one told me'
'Well, I'm telling you now'.
That was really painful. I felt struck out of life. It would be better if it wasn't contact improvisation.
Both D. and S.O. know, perfectly know how deeply I love dancing and especially contact improvisation. I've written about it a lot. Dan himself said this: 'I believe, your heaven is when you move'.
So the question I didn't have an answer to was: 'Why no one told me that I can spend a week in heaven?'
[The koan]
The koan
'I always keep images of certain people special to me in mind and when I see something special I think: "Oh, this person would love it" - and I usually share' - 'They know that something is heaven for me but they don't share'
[Consolations]
Consolations
1. They want to keep it to themselves and/or they don't want my company.
Okay, I can behave in such a way as if we don't know each other. I won't bother you...
Refutation: luckily, I've been through this.
2. The think that I'll be busy at that time.
Yes, I've told that I wanted to run a marathon but if I choose between one day of a marathon, one day of immobility due to leg pain and one week of heaven and, goddamnit, goodmornings, I just needn't choose. Running for four or five hours is dull. Contact improvisation is heaven. That's it.
3. The don't associate me with dancing because I don't take classes or so.
Refutation: we danced with Dan. He knows.
Refutation: he may have forgotten. His memory is quite selective.
4. It's just not likely to happen: to dance again, and for S.O. - to burst into a thousand of tiny clouds.
Refutation: recently I've been trying to stop thinking in terms of destiny. People do things.
5. The trip to SPb looked artificial enough even to me (as I invited people), so people just chose more natural things.
Yes, I can understand.
[Solution]
The solution
Having finished talking to S.O. I sang mantras for twenty minutes and then called Dan to ask, why. He didn't have time to talk. I was dazed and confused till the mid-Sunday when I finally solved this one. And on Sunday evening I even got the answer to 'why?' but I didn't have a chance to tell about this koan. I think, I won't have a chance, so, I'm posting this koan here.
The solution is beautiful and I've known it since the day Sandy came but I consciously applied it only now.
I wrote an e-mail to the manager of the festival and asked if they had already planned morning yoga and if they had had a person to give these morning lessons. If they had not I would have been glad to be this person, I wrote.
If I generalize, the solution is: "Make this your personal story, independently of people you long to be with".
P.S. I didn't get an answer from the manager of the festival but it doesn't matter.