Blood On Angel's Wings Part 2
Title: Blood On Angel's Wings Part 2
Pairing: Minho/Jonghyun
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Dark fic! There’s non-con, violence, kidnapping, abuse, wounds, blood, character death, and some physical humiliation.
Summary: Minho doesn't want Jonghyun to be tainted by the world, but can he stop himself from being the one to taint what he views as perfection?
Word Count: 5,715
Notes: Continuation of part one. The dark genre for my SHINee Genre Challenge, as requested by the_night_thief. When you said Ring Ding Dong or Lucifer, I was very taken with the idea of incorporating RDD, since I love that era. I hope it's okay how I used it, both in time setting and in theme. And I am so sorry ;__; This is what happens when I let my inspiration run away with me. By far the longest and darkest fic I've ever written. I had to make it two parts! That's a first for me. I hope you don't hate it. And if you do, please forgive me and forget that this ever existed. *curls up into a ball and cries*
Spot For: the_night_thief and pandragonriyong.
Sitting down on the edge of the bed in the other room, Minho gripped the sheets until his knuckles were white. He could see the transformation in Jonghyun. It wasn’t what it was supposed to be though. After several days, the blonde singer was starting to look worn. He was losing weight, and developing dark bags under his eyes. It hurt to look at him. Minho had eventually tried to feed him, but Jonghyun barely took anything, groaning about how it hurt too much. Minho no longer knew what to do. He couldn't take him down. It would ruin everything. His heart, his feelings for Jonghyun screamed for him to take him down. His mind told him differently though. If he took Jonghyun down, it would be going against destiny. It would mess up everything he was trying to achieve.
Standing, Minho walked out to the living room. On the table, one of their phones buzzed. They had started going off hourly after the two had been missing for long enough. Minho never answered of course, but they hadn't given up trying yet. Various members called, and Minho couldn't help but feel the sick twisting in his stomach. They wanted Jonghyun. They were trying to steal him back. Well, Minho wouldn't let them.
Looking at the blonde, Minho took a slow breath at the sight. His head hung, his body limp against the restraints. He was unconscious again, a state he was in so often that it worried Minho. He walked closer and looked at his back. It was various shades of dark colors, from the bruises and the dried blood. Minho bit his lip. If he was destined for this, why was he so bad at it? He couldn't doubt though. Of course destiny would be challenging.
Moving so he was in front of Jonghyun, Minho lifted his face. For once he didn't snap awake and start begging again. It was enough to make him a little worried and he thought about trying to feed him again, but instead of moving to get food he stood there. Trailing a hand down the man's face, over his lips. Even as his cheeks were starting to look thinner, his lips were still plump. They were dry and cracked, but Minho could still feel the indescribable desire for them. Why? After seeing this? Why was it still so hard to fight his desires? Were humans really so incurable? Or maybe it was just him. Maybe he was the one who couldn't be saved. It was fine though. As long as he saved Jonghyun, as long as he kept him safe, it was okay.
A soft whimper caught his attention and Minho felt his eyes snap to the singer's face. His eyes were barely open into thin slits. "Minho," he said so softly it almost wasn’t audible. "Please. I think I'm dying." Minho dropped his hand, and stared at the blonde who was already out again. He was sick. There was no doubt about it. Minho was killing him. Killing him by saving him.
Reaching up, Minho wrapped a fist in his hair, his lips turning down in anguish. He retreated from the room, fear and despair washing over him.
It was hours later when Minho came back. Jonghyun was still out, or maybe just out again. Minho stared at him coldly, every part of his body seeming to scream in protest at each step he took closer. Once he was by Jonghyun, Minho reached up to run a hand through his hair. He felt his lip tremble as he tried to hold back his emotions. Raising his hand, Minho lifted the wire cutters to the wires holding the wings into Jonghyun's back. He cut them swiftly, before he could change his mind. They released and Minho watched as Jonghyun's skin sank slightly away from the pressure, as if trying to cling to his back, where it belonged. Even his body was against what Minho had done. Minho moved his gaze to the wings. Both dried and fresh blood clung to the edges, making it look as if Minho had just cut off a part of his body, as if the wings had really been a part of him. He felt nausea rise to his throat and he rushed from the room, hand over his mouth.
~(o)~
When Jonghyun came to again, there was an obvious difference. He sucked in a breath and willed himself to move. There was no resistance except for that from the restraints. He gasped and felt tears flood his eyes again as they searched for Minho. They found him hunched over the table, head in his hands. His shoulders were shaking slightly.
"Minho. You took them off. Thank you," he tried to call out, but his voice was harsh and raspy, more like a strained whisper than a shout. "Let me down. Minho, let me down now. Please. I need to eat. I need to go to the bathroom."
His words seemed to have no affect on Minho though, and eventually Jonghyun stopped talking. He took ragged breaths as he watched Minho cry. He could only put together that he was so upset because he'd removed the wings, but he couldn't understand it.
"Minho. You did a good thing. It was the right thing to do. We can make this better now," he tried again, and this time Minho looked up at him. His eyes were red and swollen. He looked even more crazed than he had when he was taking pictures, and suddenly Jonghyun felt really afraid. "Minho," he started uncertainly, but was cut off as Minho jumped from his chair and moved over to him swiftly.
"No! You don't understand! I messed up everything! I ruined it because," he stopped right in Jonghyun's face, staring at him intently. He reached up and ran a thumb over the singer’s lower lip, making Jonghyun’s stomach twist nauseously, but there was nothing to puke up anyway. "I messed up everything just because I care about you, because of my dirty human feelings."
"Dirty?" Jonghyun felt the word slip out of his mouth as confusion took forefront in his mind. How could caring about someone be dirty? "I don't.."
"You don't understand! I know!" Minho stared at him for another long moment before kneeling down in front of him.
As soon as Jonghyun saw what he was doing he felt hope rising again. "Minho, thank you. Please, let me down," he continued to beg as Minho undid the chains at his feet. He then moved to his hands and Jonghyun felt his chest heave with a sob. Then Minho was undoing the strap at his waist. As soon as the support was gone though, Jonghyun crumpled to the ground, almost as if he were a lifeless doll. His feet twisted under him as he fell, and he wasn't sure if they just hurt or if it was worse than that. He twitched and moved his limbs, but his body didn't comply that well after so long of being stuck in the same position. Every part of him screamed when he tried to move. His legs and arms hurt from the sudden different angle they'd been forced into when he fell. He cried out from the pain, tears blurring his vision.
Minho scooped him up and Jonghyun tried to push at him, but he couldn't really do much. As they moved by the table, Jonghyun saw his phone and tried to reach out toward it, but Minho carried him right past it. "Minho, stop. Where are you taking me? Please, just let me go. Please." Jonghyun was so afraid he might be about to die. Minho might be about to end things here. But in some ways, it was more agreeable than going back up there. It was a lot better than having those wings put back in him.
Suddenly he was dropped onto something soft. He looked around and discovered that he was in a bedroom. It would have been nice under normal circumstances, but now Jonghyun just felt a sick fear grip his entire being. "Minho, what are you…?" he started to question, but was unable to finish as he stared up at Minho in horror.
The man was a mess. Tears streaked his face, which was all puffy from crying. He kept running his hand through his hair and tugging on it. He looked pained and out of control. Jonghyun tried to move, but as soon as he sat up, Minho pushed him back down, hand pressing hard into his chest. Jonghyun reached up to try and push it away, but he was too weak, only leaving small scratches on the man's arm.
"Minho, please. Let me go," he pleaded, but the hand didn't move as Minho stared down at him. Then he was suddenly getting on top of him, making Jonghyun's body stiffen in shock. "Minho," he gasped as the rapper leaned down and kissed him roughly. He jerked his face to the side to break the kiss and moved his hands to press against Minho’s chest, pushing with everything he had. Minho barely budged though, and eventually moved his hands to grab Jonghyun's wrists, pressing them against the bed above his head. His eyes were full of a crazy lust that made Jonghyun afraid in an entirely new way. He could see all too easily where this was going, and that knowledge gripped his entire being with fear. Jerking his body, Jonghyun tried to throw him off, knock him over, anything. But it didn't do much good as Minho started pressing down against him.
They struggled, although Minho only having to really struggle when he began taking his own clothes off. Jonghyun tried to take advantage of it, tried to push him way, but Minho was always pressing him back down, battling him as he slowly pulled everything off.
"No!" Jonghyun shouted hoarsely. "Minho, please. Don't do this!"
Minho’s movements were rushed, as if he only had a small amount of time to do what he wanted. Every movement hurt Jonghyun, the bed rubbing against his back, tearing the wounds open more than they had been. He cried out and tried to scratch at Minho's face. The younger didn't stop him, letting the nails scratch several long red marks across him, but instead of moving away from the assault, he just pushed closer. His chest pressed into Jonghyun's, and the blonde yanked at his hair as he jerked his body. It made Minho's hardening dick rub against him and Jonghyun felt his throat constrict as he gagged over his breath. Minho reached down and forced his legs apart, pressing between them. Jonghyun pushed at him, crying harder, begging louder. But it hit deaf ears as Minho reached down, using one hand to hold onto Jonghyun's hips to still him as much as possible, while he used the other to hold his penis while he lined it up with the singer's hole.
Jonghyun's pleas became desperate, but they didn't stop Minho from pushing into him. The blonde screamed as the rapper tore him open. He felt the slow trickle of blood run down from his asshole into the sheets. He sobbed and jerked, trying to get away from it. This only made Minho grunt as he started pushing into him hard and fast. It hurt, and every time Jonghyun tried to pull away it only seemed to help the movements, only seemed to add to Minho's pleasure. The rapper reached down and started jerking his hand up and down Jonghyun's own penis. The singer pushed at his hand, but he wouldn't pull away. He cried out harder as he felt the blood moving into his cock. It didn't feel good. Even when his body was reacting, he didn't want it. Not like this. Not from someone who would hurt him so badly, who had hurt him in every possible way.
Minho's hand brought Jonghyun's cum out of him, and the singer laid there completely still, his mind clouded over in denial. He felt the slow trickle of tears down his cheek and he closed them as Minho thrust into him, pounding out his own orgasm. The liquid shot into him, filling him, squeezing into every space and eventually leaking out to mix with the blood, staining the sheets. Jonghyun didn't move as Minho pulled out of him and stepped off of the bed. In that moment, Jonghyun wondered if just maybe death would be better after all.
~(o)~
Staring down at the singer, Minho felt his insides churn. He felt sick, but he couldn't move. He'd done it. Everything he'd ever been afraid of, everything he wanted to protect Jonghyun from. He was the cause. He was the one to hurt him, to destroy him. Nothing could fix this now. It was all over. Minho stumbled from the room and collapsed at the table. He didn't know where to go now, what to do. There was really only one way that he could make things even a little better. Minho thought about how all this would have been better off in someone else's hands, someone who wouldn't fail like he had, someone who wouldn't succumb to their desires.
Heading back to the room, Minho picked up the young man who had passed out shortly after Minho moved off of him. He didn't bother to clean anything up, because nothing really mattered anymore.
~(o)~
It was hours later when Jonghyun woke up again, but he didn't really have a good concept of time anymore. He found himself on the hardwood floor. His skin stuck to it from the sweat on him as he pulled himself up into a half, sitting position. He felt the weight on his ankles and the slow drag of metal on wood as he moved his feet. Looking down, he saw that his feet were chained to the restraints again, but that was it. He felt an unsettling fear grip him because he didn't know what was going to happen. He already felt so broken and disgusting. He didn't know if it could really get any worse.
Moving his eyes up, Jonghyun caught sight of Minho, once again hunched over the table. He had something in his hand that Jonghyun couldn't see very well. "Minho," he breathed raggedly, "please," the word was all he could muster before Minho shifted and Jonghyun realized what he was holding, barrel pressed against his temple, hand resting lightly against the grip, finger brushing against the trigger.
"Minho, no. Don't do that. You don't have to do that," he didn't even know why, but the last thing he wanted was for Minho to pull that trigger. Every ounce of logic told him he should encourage it, after everything he'd done. He should want Minho gone, but that wasn't what he wanted. No, that would only make him feel worse. "Minho, just put the gun down, okay? Let me out of these chains, and we can talk about this. You don't need to do that."
The younger man slowly stood, and Jonghyun felt his chest jump with hope that he would listen, that he would finally listen to him. But then Minho looked at him with the saddest eyes Jonghyun had ever seen. "I can't," he responded quietly, his voice sounding as broken as he looked. "I can't be forgiven for what I've done. I hurt you. I ruined you. It's all my fault."
"No," Jonghyun whispered, shaking his head a little as Minho turned and walked toward the back of the cabin. He pulled open the door and Jonghyun felt panic seize his chest. "Minho, no!" he shouted, trying to scramble forward, but the chains stopped him before he could get very far. Minho gave him one last look and mouthed the word, 'sorry,' before shutting the door behind him.
Everything in Jonghyun clenched in fear as he stared with wide eyes at the door. His mind played the same word over and over. 'No. No. No. No.' Then, after several seconds of silence, a loud bang rang through the air, sending a jolting shock through his body as if the bullet had hit him too. Jonghyun didn't even realize he was screaming until his mouth was wide open, the sound filling the air in the absence of the gunshot. As the note died on his tongue, Jonghyun's head fell forward.
The phone started ringing on the table. It was his ringtone. It was the only thing that kept him from collapsing onto the floor. Looking down at his foot, Jonghyun reached for the chains, trying to get them off, trying anything. Maybe Minho was still alive. Maybe he could get to him in time.
Eventually Jonghyun stopped struggling with the cuffs, his ankles cut and bleeding from him trying to pull out of them. The chains were too tight for him to reach the wall where they'd been hammered in with nails. He'd pulled, but no force in him allowed him to break free. The only way he could get out would be to chew through his feet like an animal, and he thought if he did that he'd probably bleed to death before anyone could make it to him. Lying down, Jonghyun felt a large part of himself giving up. What could he do now? What was left for him anyway?
What could have only been ten or so minutes later, Jonghyun heard the sound of wheels on gravel. He barely opened his eyes, disbelief clinging to his every pore. Even when he heard the familiar voice of their leader, he thought he had to be imagining it. How could he be okay now? After everything, how could he survive? Moments later the sound of the front door opening hit his ears and the first rays of morning fell into the dark cabin. Jonghyun almost couldn't believe his eyes either.
~(o)~
The moment he got the text message, Onew attempted to call back. There was no answer though. He cursed and called their manager. "I just got a text from Jonghyun.'
Choi Jin was over there within ten minutes. He was a bit of a rough guy, but he took care of SHINee when it was important, which was why Onew had called him. Plus he wasn't sure if it was okay to contact anyone else. Management was trying to keep everything hushed up as long as possible, and a text was a step in the right direction. At least it meant Jonghyun could text them.
"I'm going to get him," Jin said as he wrote the address in his phone.
Onew grabbed his arm. "I'm coming too."
The manager stared at him for a long moment before nodding. "Key, you take care of things around here. Don't go anywhere or say anything to anyone unless I tell you. Got it?" Key nodded dumbly. Taemin sat down on the couch, looking uncertain as to whether he should be relieved or scared. Onew was certain that they all felt that way.
Onew quickly followed the manager as he rushed out the door. The drive there felt long, and Onew repeatedly tried to dial both Minho and Jonghyun. Despite the text, there was no answer. It worried both of them. Onew used his phone to find out that the address was a cabin, so it didn't surprise them when they got out into nature more. Trees lined the road, the dim light of dawn making them look haunting. Onew fidgeted because there was nothing else he could do. Jin snapped and told him to sit still, his own frustration showing clearly in the way he rubbed his head.
The cabin eventually came into view and Onew felt his body tense, as if he were getting ready to run toward it. The car sped up slightly and Jin pulled into the driveway, the car dragging slightly at the sharp turn. They were both jumping out of the car as soon as it stopped. Jin didn't wait to knock before trying the door. It opened easily, surprising them.
The cabin was dark inside, making Onew afraid they wouldn't find anyone there. There hadn't been a car out front or anything. But then a sound caught his attention, what sounded like chains rattling. Onew and Jin both looked over to see the shadowy figure on the floor, hidden by darkness in the corner of the room. Jin reached for the light, and as soon as it came on, Onew felt a deep shock course through him. Bile rose in his throat, but he quickly swallowed it back down. There, lying on his side, face buried in his hands to protect his eyes from the light, was Jonghyun, their precious singer. He was completely naked, and Onew could see what looked like sores all over his back. Onew gaped and took a step forward.
"Shit. Where's Minho?" Jin asked, sounding more shaken than Onew had ever heard him.
"Ou…" came the harsh, tired voice of Jonghyun. They both stared at him, and Onew moved even closer. But every step made him feel sicker. "Outside. He went out back," Jonghyun forced out through gritted teeth before what Onew could only guess was a sob wracked his whole body.
"Shit. Onew, get him out of that. I'll go check outside."
At those words, Jonghyun started to cry harder, and Onew felt his insides clench. Who had done this? How could this happen? A stalker? A crazy fan? Something clicked in his mind and he rushed to the table. The text. It had said the key was on the table. The key was sitting right in the middle, but after grabbing it he paused. He noticed the computer, sitting open. There was a screen saver on, but when he reached down and hit the track pad, Onew gaped at what he saw flash onto the screen. There were several pictures of Jonghyun, suspended in the air with large, white wings protruding from his back. It looked really artistic, but really sick too. Maybe because Onew knew they weren't fake and that Jonghyun was lying close by in pain.
Swallowing past the sick feeling in his throat, Onew moved back to Jonghyun, key in hand. "Don't worry. I'm about to get you out of here."
Jonghyun stared at him with dark, empty eyes that made his heart wrench.
"It's going to be okay," he added as he unlocked the chains, frowning at the blood dried to his ankles.
"No," Jonghyun said darkly. "It won't be. You don't know what happened. It won't ever be alright."
"Jinki!" Jin suddenly called, surprising the younger man by calling his real name. He felt a cold fear grip his stomach from that, and from the tone of his voice. What had happened? He pulled the last chain off and stood.
"I'll be right back," Onew said, lightly touching Jonghyun's hair to try and comfort him, but he didn't know how good it would do.
"Don't. Don't go," Jonghyun whispered, and Onew looked back to see him curl around himself, making the damage to his back all the more noticeable. Onew felt a cold anger scorch through him because of what had happened to Jonghyun. Steeling himself, Onew walked out the back door and found Jin standing not too far away. One hand was pulling at his hair while his eyes looked wild and his expression helpless.
Hearing Onew, he turned to look at him. "What do we do?" The lost look in his eyes made Onew feel even more afraid. When he stepped further out into the backyard though, he knew why. He couldn't hold back the sick feeling anymore when he saw Minho. Hand jerking up to cover his mouth, Onew felt a rough heave pull up through his body. What were they going to do? What could they do?
~(o)~
Six months later, SHINee was still on an indefinite hiatus. Jonghyun had stayed in the dorm for a while after being treated until he was okay to go home. They didn't want to freak his family out, and neither did he.
The other members did things to busy themselves while Jonghyun recovered. Key had been studying fashion. He always said it was just in case nothing else worked out. Everyone knew it meant just in case SHINee never came back, just in case Jonghyun was never willing to or if they couldn't retain their popularity without Minho. Onew visited Jonghyun often until their singer eventually tried to tell him to go pursue something with his time. If SHINee didn't come back, he didn't want to feel responsible. This got Onew to stop coming around so often, but no one was really sure what he was doing.
Taemin was still in school and always said he wasn't sure what he was going to do, but he was thinking about college. When he visited, Jonghyun would say he had no idea whether or not he would be able to return. Taemin could still see the cold sweat break out on his forehead whenever he thought about what had happened, whenever it was brought up. It made him feel protective in a way he hadn't really before all that had happened. Jonghyun didn't seem to mind him visiting that much, but maybe it was because he never mentioned it, because he would either talk idly or not talk at all. They had a quiet understanding, and Taemin was fine with it because it meant he could be there for him. He could actually do something. He started visiting a few times a week, bringing his homework with him to do. Jonghyun's mother never minded his presence, and sometimes he even got a laugh out of Jonghyun when he teased him about math. Whenever he tried to help he would just get this confused look on his face that was too cute to pass up poking fun at.
It stayed like that for a while. No one would push. Everyone was afraid of breaking what was left of the singer they once knew. Even management was keeping their mouths shut, but Taemin knew it was because if they didn't then they could have a whole can of worms busted open. What actually happened was covered up. If not, it would most definitely ruin the band. Minho's death was declared a simple suicide. As far as anyone knew, Jonghyun hadn't been more affected than any of the rest of the band. Evidence was hidden. Jonghyun had surgery to try and conceal as much of the scarred tissue as possible, but Taemin had seen the small left over scars on his back. They made his heart clench in pain when he thought about what that week might have been like for the other man. It was something he would never know, something no one would understand except for the two who had been there.
~(o)~
One Saturday, Key made a point to visit Jonghyun. He felt nervous and uncertain. Part of him knew he was doing the right thing, but another part of him was afraid he would only hurt the other man more. Still, he thought if anyone should decide what would happen to the item Key had recovered, it was Jonghyun.
Once he was there, the atmosphere felt awkward. Key knew he was the one who visited the least, but it was because he was busy, and because he didn't know how to handle the knowledge of what had happened. He didn't even know as much as Onew, let alone Jonghyun. Hell, he thought Taemin might know more about what happened than him. He certainly spent more time around Jonghyun than he did. Jonghyun looked pleasantly surprised by his visit. His mother offered to make them something, but Key tried to tell her it was fine. He didn't know if she'd listen though. She had been extra doting since Jonghyun returned. She didn't know what happened, but she knew it was more than they let on.
Honestly, Key couldn't imagine a mother not being able to tell something had happened to her child, not after what happened to Jonghyun. Not after how much he'd changed. Every time he saw the other man, Key felt more and more the difference. It scared him, and made him feel lonely. He missed Jonghyun's smile, the one that lit up the room, and the one that wasn't fake or laced with sadness.
"So what's up?" Jonghyun asked after leading him into his room because Key had asked to talk to him. There it was. One of those fake smiles, one that was supposed to comfort him and make him feel better. It only made him feel worse though.
"How are you?" Key asked and received a shrug as Jonghyun sat on the edge of the bed.
"Getting kind of bored. It's amazing how much slower life is when you're not an idol."
"You're still an idol, Jonghyun." Key said with a frown tightening his expression. "People still talk about you. They still ask for you to come back, for all of us."
Jonghyun stared at him for a moment before shrugging. "It won't last. We were never famous enough to be remembered."
Key felt his chest wrench with emotion, but he held it in.
"So, what did you come here for?" Jonghyun asked, as if he knew it wasn't just a visit. Well, it wasn't. Key supposed he'd made that pretty clear.
"Six months ago, I took something from your room. Before anyone came to search, I took it and hid it." Key pulled the slightly tattered book from his backpack. Jonghyun's eyes widened as they landed on it, and Key could tell he knew what it was.
"That's … he always used to write in it. Said it was lyrics, but I kind of figured it was more than that. Since he'd never show it to us. He always hid it." Jonghyun's eyes visibly watered and he stared across the room. His expression tightened and Key felt his own eyes sting with emotion.
"I wanted to protect his memory. I didn't want anyone else knowing, no one that didn't deserve to. But, I also wanted to protect you. I think a lot of it's about you. I didn't really read much though. I thought you should be the one to decide what to do with it. I didn't want to hurt you, but I think it's time to give it to you," as he finished speaking, Key stepped closer and set the diary on the bed by Jonghyun's leg. The singer's head didn't move to acknowledge it, but his eyes slid over to graze over it before jerking back to the spot on the wall.
Jonghyun's mouth opened as if he was going to speak, but then he closed it again, and Key understood how difficult this would be for him, like opening old wounds that weren't even completely healed yet. "I'm sorry," he whispered, taking a step back.
Shaking his head, Jonghyun attempted to smile. "No, thanks," Jonghyun said shakily before frowning, trying to control himself. He'd never been very good at that though.
"Well, I have to get going," Key said as he moved toward the door. "Jonghyun," he started, hand on the door, not looking back as he felt his chest clench. "Come back to us soon. We miss you. We all miss you. Don't make us lose two members," with that, Key moved swiftly toward the exit, not fast enough that it looked like he was fleeing, but fast enough to get himself out of there sooner.
~(o)~
It was several minutes after Key left that Jonghyun finally moved. He reached up and used his sleeve to wipe the tears from his face. He looked at Minho's journal, and felt his stomach knot. He couldn't touch it, not yet. He left his room to get something to eat. His mother was probably working on dinner anyway.
Later that night, Jonghyun moved the diary to his desk, hiding it away in a drawer. It was several days later, with Key's request still ringing loudly in his mind, when he finally pulled it out. Each page was like torture to read. At first it was like the Minho he knew, and he laughed before he knew it at the words describing some of their early dorm antics. They were fond memories, things Jonghyun hadn't been able to think about without falling apart in a long time. He had to press his lips together and repeatedly rub his eyes clear as he moved through the pages. Then, things started to change. Minho started talking about him differently than the others, putting him apart from them. Jonghyun felt a sick twisting in his stomach as he read about Minho agonizing over his feelings. They weren't stated plainly, but it was all there in the subtext. Jonghyun just wished he could go back and help his friend before it tore him apart, before it ruined him. The guilt of feeling that way, irritating whatever problems he might have had anyway.
The thoughts became darker and Jonghyun closed the book at one point. There was really no point in reading any farther. What Minho had been was sick, confused, and none of them had helped. It didn't matter that they couldn't see, because they weren't looking. How could they not have noticed he was in so much pain? Jonghyun moved to look out his window, staring into the soft morning light. He needed to sleep, but he wasn't sure he could. He knew he'd just see the same thing, what he saw every night. Minho's desperate eyes. Minho's cold hands. Minho's tears right before the end. Worst of all, though, was the cruel and deafening gunshot that had ended everything. The sound always echoed hauntingly in his dreams.
Taking a deep shuddering breath, Jonghyun put the diary away, hiding it deep within his closet. For now, he would keep it close to him. Now, all he could do was keep living and hope that someday he could make up for all the pain they'd caused, all the pain that was because of him.
Pairing: Minho/Jonghyun
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Dark fic! There’s non-con, violence, kidnapping, abuse, wounds, blood, character death, and some physical humiliation.
Summary: Minho doesn't want Jonghyun to be tainted by the world, but can he stop himself from being the one to taint what he views as perfection?
Word Count: 5,715
Notes: Continuation of part one. The dark genre for my SHINee Genre Challenge, as requested by the_night_thief. When you said Ring Ding Dong or Lucifer, I was very taken with the idea of incorporating RDD, since I love that era. I hope it's okay how I used it, both in time setting and in theme. And I am so sorry ;__; This is what happens when I let my inspiration run away with me. By far the longest and darkest fic I've ever written. I had to make it two parts! That's a first for me. I hope you don't hate it. And if you do, please forgive me and forget that this ever existed. *curls up into a ball and cries*
Spot For: the_night_thief and pandragonriyong.
Sitting down on the edge of the bed in the other room, Minho gripped the sheets until his knuckles were white. He could see the transformation in Jonghyun. It wasn’t what it was supposed to be though. After several days, the blonde singer was starting to look worn. He was losing weight, and developing dark bags under his eyes. It hurt to look at him. Minho had eventually tried to feed him, but Jonghyun barely took anything, groaning about how it hurt too much. Minho no longer knew what to do. He couldn't take him down. It would ruin everything. His heart, his feelings for Jonghyun screamed for him to take him down. His mind told him differently though. If he took Jonghyun down, it would be going against destiny. It would mess up everything he was trying to achieve.
Standing, Minho walked out to the living room. On the table, one of their phones buzzed. They had started going off hourly after the two had been missing for long enough. Minho never answered of course, but they hadn't given up trying yet. Various members called, and Minho couldn't help but feel the sick twisting in his stomach. They wanted Jonghyun. They were trying to steal him back. Well, Minho wouldn't let them.
Looking at the blonde, Minho took a slow breath at the sight. His head hung, his body limp against the restraints. He was unconscious again, a state he was in so often that it worried Minho. He walked closer and looked at his back. It was various shades of dark colors, from the bruises and the dried blood. Minho bit his lip. If he was destined for this, why was he so bad at it? He couldn't doubt though. Of course destiny would be challenging.
Moving so he was in front of Jonghyun, Minho lifted his face. For once he didn't snap awake and start begging again. It was enough to make him a little worried and he thought about trying to feed him again, but instead of moving to get food he stood there. Trailing a hand down the man's face, over his lips. Even as his cheeks were starting to look thinner, his lips were still plump. They were dry and cracked, but Minho could still feel the indescribable desire for them. Why? After seeing this? Why was it still so hard to fight his desires? Were humans really so incurable? Or maybe it was just him. Maybe he was the one who couldn't be saved. It was fine though. As long as he saved Jonghyun, as long as he kept him safe, it was okay.
A soft whimper caught his attention and Minho felt his eyes snap to the singer's face. His eyes were barely open into thin slits. "Minho," he said so softly it almost wasn’t audible. "Please. I think I'm dying." Minho dropped his hand, and stared at the blonde who was already out again. He was sick. There was no doubt about it. Minho was killing him. Killing him by saving him.
Reaching up, Minho wrapped a fist in his hair, his lips turning down in anguish. He retreated from the room, fear and despair washing over him.
It was hours later when Minho came back. Jonghyun was still out, or maybe just out again. Minho stared at him coldly, every part of his body seeming to scream in protest at each step he took closer. Once he was by Jonghyun, Minho reached up to run a hand through his hair. He felt his lip tremble as he tried to hold back his emotions. Raising his hand, Minho lifted the wire cutters to the wires holding the wings into Jonghyun's back. He cut them swiftly, before he could change his mind. They released and Minho watched as Jonghyun's skin sank slightly away from the pressure, as if trying to cling to his back, where it belonged. Even his body was against what Minho had done. Minho moved his gaze to the wings. Both dried and fresh blood clung to the edges, making it look as if Minho had just cut off a part of his body, as if the wings had really been a part of him. He felt nausea rise to his throat and he rushed from the room, hand over his mouth.
~(o)~
When Jonghyun came to again, there was an obvious difference. He sucked in a breath and willed himself to move. There was no resistance except for that from the restraints. He gasped and felt tears flood his eyes again as they searched for Minho. They found him hunched over the table, head in his hands. His shoulders were shaking slightly.
"Minho. You took them off. Thank you," he tried to call out, but his voice was harsh and raspy, more like a strained whisper than a shout. "Let me down. Minho, let me down now. Please. I need to eat. I need to go to the bathroom."
His words seemed to have no affect on Minho though, and eventually Jonghyun stopped talking. He took ragged breaths as he watched Minho cry. He could only put together that he was so upset because he'd removed the wings, but he couldn't understand it.
"Minho. You did a good thing. It was the right thing to do. We can make this better now," he tried again, and this time Minho looked up at him. His eyes were red and swollen. He looked even more crazed than he had when he was taking pictures, and suddenly Jonghyun felt really afraid. "Minho," he started uncertainly, but was cut off as Minho jumped from his chair and moved over to him swiftly.
"No! You don't understand! I messed up everything! I ruined it because," he stopped right in Jonghyun's face, staring at him intently. He reached up and ran a thumb over the singer’s lower lip, making Jonghyun’s stomach twist nauseously, but there was nothing to puke up anyway. "I messed up everything just because I care about you, because of my dirty human feelings."
"Dirty?" Jonghyun felt the word slip out of his mouth as confusion took forefront in his mind. How could caring about someone be dirty? "I don't.."
"You don't understand! I know!" Minho stared at him for another long moment before kneeling down in front of him.
As soon as Jonghyun saw what he was doing he felt hope rising again. "Minho, thank you. Please, let me down," he continued to beg as Minho undid the chains at his feet. He then moved to his hands and Jonghyun felt his chest heave with a sob. Then Minho was undoing the strap at his waist. As soon as the support was gone though, Jonghyun crumpled to the ground, almost as if he were a lifeless doll. His feet twisted under him as he fell, and he wasn't sure if they just hurt or if it was worse than that. He twitched and moved his limbs, but his body didn't comply that well after so long of being stuck in the same position. Every part of him screamed when he tried to move. His legs and arms hurt from the sudden different angle they'd been forced into when he fell. He cried out from the pain, tears blurring his vision.
Minho scooped him up and Jonghyun tried to push at him, but he couldn't really do much. As they moved by the table, Jonghyun saw his phone and tried to reach out toward it, but Minho carried him right past it. "Minho, stop. Where are you taking me? Please, just let me go. Please." Jonghyun was so afraid he might be about to die. Minho might be about to end things here. But in some ways, it was more agreeable than going back up there. It was a lot better than having those wings put back in him.
Suddenly he was dropped onto something soft. He looked around and discovered that he was in a bedroom. It would have been nice under normal circumstances, but now Jonghyun just felt a sick fear grip his entire being. "Minho, what are you…?" he started to question, but was unable to finish as he stared up at Minho in horror.
The man was a mess. Tears streaked his face, which was all puffy from crying. He kept running his hand through his hair and tugging on it. He looked pained and out of control. Jonghyun tried to move, but as soon as he sat up, Minho pushed him back down, hand pressing hard into his chest. Jonghyun reached up to try and push it away, but he was too weak, only leaving small scratches on the man's arm.
"Minho, please. Let me go," he pleaded, but the hand didn't move as Minho stared down at him. Then he was suddenly getting on top of him, making Jonghyun's body stiffen in shock. "Minho," he gasped as the rapper leaned down and kissed him roughly. He jerked his face to the side to break the kiss and moved his hands to press against Minho’s chest, pushing with everything he had. Minho barely budged though, and eventually moved his hands to grab Jonghyun's wrists, pressing them against the bed above his head. His eyes were full of a crazy lust that made Jonghyun afraid in an entirely new way. He could see all too easily where this was going, and that knowledge gripped his entire being with fear. Jerking his body, Jonghyun tried to throw him off, knock him over, anything. But it didn't do much good as Minho started pressing down against him.
They struggled, although Minho only having to really struggle when he began taking his own clothes off. Jonghyun tried to take advantage of it, tried to push him way, but Minho was always pressing him back down, battling him as he slowly pulled everything off.
"No!" Jonghyun shouted hoarsely. "Minho, please. Don't do this!"
Minho’s movements were rushed, as if he only had a small amount of time to do what he wanted. Every movement hurt Jonghyun, the bed rubbing against his back, tearing the wounds open more than they had been. He cried out and tried to scratch at Minho's face. The younger didn't stop him, letting the nails scratch several long red marks across him, but instead of moving away from the assault, he just pushed closer. His chest pressed into Jonghyun's, and the blonde yanked at his hair as he jerked his body. It made Minho's hardening dick rub against him and Jonghyun felt his throat constrict as he gagged over his breath. Minho reached down and forced his legs apart, pressing between them. Jonghyun pushed at him, crying harder, begging louder. But it hit deaf ears as Minho reached down, using one hand to hold onto Jonghyun's hips to still him as much as possible, while he used the other to hold his penis while he lined it up with the singer's hole.
Jonghyun's pleas became desperate, but they didn't stop Minho from pushing into him. The blonde screamed as the rapper tore him open. He felt the slow trickle of blood run down from his asshole into the sheets. He sobbed and jerked, trying to get away from it. This only made Minho grunt as he started pushing into him hard and fast. It hurt, and every time Jonghyun tried to pull away it only seemed to help the movements, only seemed to add to Minho's pleasure. The rapper reached down and started jerking his hand up and down Jonghyun's own penis. The singer pushed at his hand, but he wouldn't pull away. He cried out harder as he felt the blood moving into his cock. It didn't feel good. Even when his body was reacting, he didn't want it. Not like this. Not from someone who would hurt him so badly, who had hurt him in every possible way.
Minho's hand brought Jonghyun's cum out of him, and the singer laid there completely still, his mind clouded over in denial. He felt the slow trickle of tears down his cheek and he closed them as Minho thrust into him, pounding out his own orgasm. The liquid shot into him, filling him, squeezing into every space and eventually leaking out to mix with the blood, staining the sheets. Jonghyun didn't move as Minho pulled out of him and stepped off of the bed. In that moment, Jonghyun wondered if just maybe death would be better after all.
~(o)~
Staring down at the singer, Minho felt his insides churn. He felt sick, but he couldn't move. He'd done it. Everything he'd ever been afraid of, everything he wanted to protect Jonghyun from. He was the cause. He was the one to hurt him, to destroy him. Nothing could fix this now. It was all over. Minho stumbled from the room and collapsed at the table. He didn't know where to go now, what to do. There was really only one way that he could make things even a little better. Minho thought about how all this would have been better off in someone else's hands, someone who wouldn't fail like he had, someone who wouldn't succumb to their desires.
Heading back to the room, Minho picked up the young man who had passed out shortly after Minho moved off of him. He didn't bother to clean anything up, because nothing really mattered anymore.
~(o)~
It was hours later when Jonghyun woke up again, but he didn't really have a good concept of time anymore. He found himself on the hardwood floor. His skin stuck to it from the sweat on him as he pulled himself up into a half, sitting position. He felt the weight on his ankles and the slow drag of metal on wood as he moved his feet. Looking down, he saw that his feet were chained to the restraints again, but that was it. He felt an unsettling fear grip him because he didn't know what was going to happen. He already felt so broken and disgusting. He didn't know if it could really get any worse.
Moving his eyes up, Jonghyun caught sight of Minho, once again hunched over the table. He had something in his hand that Jonghyun couldn't see very well. "Minho," he breathed raggedly, "please," the word was all he could muster before Minho shifted and Jonghyun realized what he was holding, barrel pressed against his temple, hand resting lightly against the grip, finger brushing against the trigger.
"Minho, no. Don't do that. You don't have to do that," he didn't even know why, but the last thing he wanted was for Minho to pull that trigger. Every ounce of logic told him he should encourage it, after everything he'd done. He should want Minho gone, but that wasn't what he wanted. No, that would only make him feel worse. "Minho, just put the gun down, okay? Let me out of these chains, and we can talk about this. You don't need to do that."
The younger man slowly stood, and Jonghyun felt his chest jump with hope that he would listen, that he would finally listen to him. But then Minho looked at him with the saddest eyes Jonghyun had ever seen. "I can't," he responded quietly, his voice sounding as broken as he looked. "I can't be forgiven for what I've done. I hurt you. I ruined you. It's all my fault."
"No," Jonghyun whispered, shaking his head a little as Minho turned and walked toward the back of the cabin. He pulled open the door and Jonghyun felt panic seize his chest. "Minho, no!" he shouted, trying to scramble forward, but the chains stopped him before he could get very far. Minho gave him one last look and mouthed the word, 'sorry,' before shutting the door behind him.
Everything in Jonghyun clenched in fear as he stared with wide eyes at the door. His mind played the same word over and over. 'No. No. No. No.' Then, after several seconds of silence, a loud bang rang through the air, sending a jolting shock through his body as if the bullet had hit him too. Jonghyun didn't even realize he was screaming until his mouth was wide open, the sound filling the air in the absence of the gunshot. As the note died on his tongue, Jonghyun's head fell forward.
The phone started ringing on the table. It was his ringtone. It was the only thing that kept him from collapsing onto the floor. Looking down at his foot, Jonghyun reached for the chains, trying to get them off, trying anything. Maybe Minho was still alive. Maybe he could get to him in time.
Eventually Jonghyun stopped struggling with the cuffs, his ankles cut and bleeding from him trying to pull out of them. The chains were too tight for him to reach the wall where they'd been hammered in with nails. He'd pulled, but no force in him allowed him to break free. The only way he could get out would be to chew through his feet like an animal, and he thought if he did that he'd probably bleed to death before anyone could make it to him. Lying down, Jonghyun felt a large part of himself giving up. What could he do now? What was left for him anyway?
What could have only been ten or so minutes later, Jonghyun heard the sound of wheels on gravel. He barely opened his eyes, disbelief clinging to his every pore. Even when he heard the familiar voice of their leader, he thought he had to be imagining it. How could he be okay now? After everything, how could he survive? Moments later the sound of the front door opening hit his ears and the first rays of morning fell into the dark cabin. Jonghyun almost couldn't believe his eyes either.
~(o)~
The moment he got the text message, Onew attempted to call back. There was no answer though. He cursed and called their manager. "I just got a text from Jonghyun.'
Choi Jin was over there within ten minutes. He was a bit of a rough guy, but he took care of SHINee when it was important, which was why Onew had called him. Plus he wasn't sure if it was okay to contact anyone else. Management was trying to keep everything hushed up as long as possible, and a text was a step in the right direction. At least it meant Jonghyun could text them.
"I'm going to get him," Jin said as he wrote the address in his phone.
Onew grabbed his arm. "I'm coming too."
The manager stared at him for a long moment before nodding. "Key, you take care of things around here. Don't go anywhere or say anything to anyone unless I tell you. Got it?" Key nodded dumbly. Taemin sat down on the couch, looking uncertain as to whether he should be relieved or scared. Onew was certain that they all felt that way.
Onew quickly followed the manager as he rushed out the door. The drive there felt long, and Onew repeatedly tried to dial both Minho and Jonghyun. Despite the text, there was no answer. It worried both of them. Onew used his phone to find out that the address was a cabin, so it didn't surprise them when they got out into nature more. Trees lined the road, the dim light of dawn making them look haunting. Onew fidgeted because there was nothing else he could do. Jin snapped and told him to sit still, his own frustration showing clearly in the way he rubbed his head.
The cabin eventually came into view and Onew felt his body tense, as if he were getting ready to run toward it. The car sped up slightly and Jin pulled into the driveway, the car dragging slightly at the sharp turn. They were both jumping out of the car as soon as it stopped. Jin didn't wait to knock before trying the door. It opened easily, surprising them.
The cabin was dark inside, making Onew afraid they wouldn't find anyone there. There hadn't been a car out front or anything. But then a sound caught his attention, what sounded like chains rattling. Onew and Jin both looked over to see the shadowy figure on the floor, hidden by darkness in the corner of the room. Jin reached for the light, and as soon as it came on, Onew felt a deep shock course through him. Bile rose in his throat, but he quickly swallowed it back down. There, lying on his side, face buried in his hands to protect his eyes from the light, was Jonghyun, their precious singer. He was completely naked, and Onew could see what looked like sores all over his back. Onew gaped and took a step forward.
"Shit. Where's Minho?" Jin asked, sounding more shaken than Onew had ever heard him.
"Ou…" came the harsh, tired voice of Jonghyun. They both stared at him, and Onew moved even closer. But every step made him feel sicker. "Outside. He went out back," Jonghyun forced out through gritted teeth before what Onew could only guess was a sob wracked his whole body.
"Shit. Onew, get him out of that. I'll go check outside."
At those words, Jonghyun started to cry harder, and Onew felt his insides clench. Who had done this? How could this happen? A stalker? A crazy fan? Something clicked in his mind and he rushed to the table. The text. It had said the key was on the table. The key was sitting right in the middle, but after grabbing it he paused. He noticed the computer, sitting open. There was a screen saver on, but when he reached down and hit the track pad, Onew gaped at what he saw flash onto the screen. There were several pictures of Jonghyun, suspended in the air with large, white wings protruding from his back. It looked really artistic, but really sick too. Maybe because Onew knew they weren't fake and that Jonghyun was lying close by in pain.
Swallowing past the sick feeling in his throat, Onew moved back to Jonghyun, key in hand. "Don't worry. I'm about to get you out of here."
Jonghyun stared at him with dark, empty eyes that made his heart wrench.
"It's going to be okay," he added as he unlocked the chains, frowning at the blood dried to his ankles.
"No," Jonghyun said darkly. "It won't be. You don't know what happened. It won't ever be alright."
"Jinki!" Jin suddenly called, surprising the younger man by calling his real name. He felt a cold fear grip his stomach from that, and from the tone of his voice. What had happened? He pulled the last chain off and stood.
"I'll be right back," Onew said, lightly touching Jonghyun's hair to try and comfort him, but he didn't know how good it would do.
"Don't. Don't go," Jonghyun whispered, and Onew looked back to see him curl around himself, making the damage to his back all the more noticeable. Onew felt a cold anger scorch through him because of what had happened to Jonghyun. Steeling himself, Onew walked out the back door and found Jin standing not too far away. One hand was pulling at his hair while his eyes looked wild and his expression helpless.
Hearing Onew, he turned to look at him. "What do we do?" The lost look in his eyes made Onew feel even more afraid. When he stepped further out into the backyard though, he knew why. He couldn't hold back the sick feeling anymore when he saw Minho. Hand jerking up to cover his mouth, Onew felt a rough heave pull up through his body. What were they going to do? What could they do?
~(o)~
Six months later, SHINee was still on an indefinite hiatus. Jonghyun had stayed in the dorm for a while after being treated until he was okay to go home. They didn't want to freak his family out, and neither did he.
The other members did things to busy themselves while Jonghyun recovered. Key had been studying fashion. He always said it was just in case nothing else worked out. Everyone knew it meant just in case SHINee never came back, just in case Jonghyun was never willing to or if they couldn't retain their popularity without Minho. Onew visited Jonghyun often until their singer eventually tried to tell him to go pursue something with his time. If SHINee didn't come back, he didn't want to feel responsible. This got Onew to stop coming around so often, but no one was really sure what he was doing.
Taemin was still in school and always said he wasn't sure what he was going to do, but he was thinking about college. When he visited, Jonghyun would say he had no idea whether or not he would be able to return. Taemin could still see the cold sweat break out on his forehead whenever he thought about what had happened, whenever it was brought up. It made him feel protective in a way he hadn't really before all that had happened. Jonghyun didn't seem to mind him visiting that much, but maybe it was because he never mentioned it, because he would either talk idly or not talk at all. They had a quiet understanding, and Taemin was fine with it because it meant he could be there for him. He could actually do something. He started visiting a few times a week, bringing his homework with him to do. Jonghyun's mother never minded his presence, and sometimes he even got a laugh out of Jonghyun when he teased him about math. Whenever he tried to help he would just get this confused look on his face that was too cute to pass up poking fun at.
It stayed like that for a while. No one would push. Everyone was afraid of breaking what was left of the singer they once knew. Even management was keeping their mouths shut, but Taemin knew it was because if they didn't then they could have a whole can of worms busted open. What actually happened was covered up. If not, it would most definitely ruin the band. Minho's death was declared a simple suicide. As far as anyone knew, Jonghyun hadn't been more affected than any of the rest of the band. Evidence was hidden. Jonghyun had surgery to try and conceal as much of the scarred tissue as possible, but Taemin had seen the small left over scars on his back. They made his heart clench in pain when he thought about what that week might have been like for the other man. It was something he would never know, something no one would understand except for the two who had been there.
~(o)~
One Saturday, Key made a point to visit Jonghyun. He felt nervous and uncertain. Part of him knew he was doing the right thing, but another part of him was afraid he would only hurt the other man more. Still, he thought if anyone should decide what would happen to the item Key had recovered, it was Jonghyun.
Once he was there, the atmosphere felt awkward. Key knew he was the one who visited the least, but it was because he was busy, and because he didn't know how to handle the knowledge of what had happened. He didn't even know as much as Onew, let alone Jonghyun. Hell, he thought Taemin might know more about what happened than him. He certainly spent more time around Jonghyun than he did. Jonghyun looked pleasantly surprised by his visit. His mother offered to make them something, but Key tried to tell her it was fine. He didn't know if she'd listen though. She had been extra doting since Jonghyun returned. She didn't know what happened, but she knew it was more than they let on.
Honestly, Key couldn't imagine a mother not being able to tell something had happened to her child, not after what happened to Jonghyun. Not after how much he'd changed. Every time he saw the other man, Key felt more and more the difference. It scared him, and made him feel lonely. He missed Jonghyun's smile, the one that lit up the room, and the one that wasn't fake or laced with sadness.
"So what's up?" Jonghyun asked after leading him into his room because Key had asked to talk to him. There it was. One of those fake smiles, one that was supposed to comfort him and make him feel better. It only made him feel worse though.
"How are you?" Key asked and received a shrug as Jonghyun sat on the edge of the bed.
"Getting kind of bored. It's amazing how much slower life is when you're not an idol."
"You're still an idol, Jonghyun." Key said with a frown tightening his expression. "People still talk about you. They still ask for you to come back, for all of us."
Jonghyun stared at him for a moment before shrugging. "It won't last. We were never famous enough to be remembered."
Key felt his chest wrench with emotion, but he held it in.
"So, what did you come here for?" Jonghyun asked, as if he knew it wasn't just a visit. Well, it wasn't. Key supposed he'd made that pretty clear.
"Six months ago, I took something from your room. Before anyone came to search, I took it and hid it." Key pulled the slightly tattered book from his backpack. Jonghyun's eyes widened as they landed on it, and Key could tell he knew what it was.
"That's … he always used to write in it. Said it was lyrics, but I kind of figured it was more than that. Since he'd never show it to us. He always hid it." Jonghyun's eyes visibly watered and he stared across the room. His expression tightened and Key felt his own eyes sting with emotion.
"I wanted to protect his memory. I didn't want anyone else knowing, no one that didn't deserve to. But, I also wanted to protect you. I think a lot of it's about you. I didn't really read much though. I thought you should be the one to decide what to do with it. I didn't want to hurt you, but I think it's time to give it to you," as he finished speaking, Key stepped closer and set the diary on the bed by Jonghyun's leg. The singer's head didn't move to acknowledge it, but his eyes slid over to graze over it before jerking back to the spot on the wall.
Jonghyun's mouth opened as if he was going to speak, but then he closed it again, and Key understood how difficult this would be for him, like opening old wounds that weren't even completely healed yet. "I'm sorry," he whispered, taking a step back.
Shaking his head, Jonghyun attempted to smile. "No, thanks," Jonghyun said shakily before frowning, trying to control himself. He'd never been very good at that though.
"Well, I have to get going," Key said as he moved toward the door. "Jonghyun," he started, hand on the door, not looking back as he felt his chest clench. "Come back to us soon. We miss you. We all miss you. Don't make us lose two members," with that, Key moved swiftly toward the exit, not fast enough that it looked like he was fleeing, but fast enough to get himself out of there sooner.
~(o)~
It was several minutes after Key left that Jonghyun finally moved. He reached up and used his sleeve to wipe the tears from his face. He looked at Minho's journal, and felt his stomach knot. He couldn't touch it, not yet. He left his room to get something to eat. His mother was probably working on dinner anyway.
Later that night, Jonghyun moved the diary to his desk, hiding it away in a drawer. It was several days later, with Key's request still ringing loudly in his mind, when he finally pulled it out. Each page was like torture to read. At first it was like the Minho he knew, and he laughed before he knew it at the words describing some of their early dorm antics. They were fond memories, things Jonghyun hadn't been able to think about without falling apart in a long time. He had to press his lips together and repeatedly rub his eyes clear as he moved through the pages. Then, things started to change. Minho started talking about him differently than the others, putting him apart from them. Jonghyun felt a sick twisting in his stomach as he read about Minho agonizing over his feelings. They weren't stated plainly, but it was all there in the subtext. Jonghyun just wished he could go back and help his friend before it tore him apart, before it ruined him. The guilt of feeling that way, irritating whatever problems he might have had anyway.
The thoughts became darker and Jonghyun closed the book at one point. There was really no point in reading any farther. What Minho had been was sick, confused, and none of them had helped. It didn't matter that they couldn't see, because they weren't looking. How could they not have noticed he was in so much pain? Jonghyun moved to look out his window, staring into the soft morning light. He needed to sleep, but he wasn't sure he could. He knew he'd just see the same thing, what he saw every night. Minho's desperate eyes. Minho's cold hands. Minho's tears right before the end. Worst of all, though, was the cruel and deafening gunshot that had ended everything. The sound always echoed hauntingly in his dreams.
Taking a deep shuddering breath, Jonghyun put the diary away, hiding it deep within his closet. For now, he would keep it close to him. Now, all he could do was keep living and hope that someday he could make up for all the pain they'd caused, all the pain that was because of him.