A Single Word - Chapter Six
Title: A Single Word - Chapter Six
Pairing: JongKey. Also some Minkey. Could be more, depending on whether or not this develops the way I intend :)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Angst, bullying, mentions of abuse.
Summary: The night a strange new person enters his life, everything changes for Key.
Word Count: 2,723
Notes: Well, it's a bit longer. Keke. I hope you all enjoy this chapter as it will definitely help you see into what's going on with Jonghyun a little better ^.^
Spot For: hurryupthecakes, ryotanfan29, and ezri_sun :D Always feel free to ask me for a spot on a fic if anyone would like one ^_^
01| 02| 03| 04| 05
The loud shrieking creak of the door closing filtered into his mind, the first light of day pushed in through his eyelids. He couldn't remember when he'd finally fallen asleep the night before.
Boy! Why aren't you awake yet? How many times have I told you? Yah! Get up!
In his half asleep state, the voice sounded so real. He shot up with a small cry, looking around the room quickly, but he knew he was in the Kim's house now. It felt different, sounded different. His hands shook as he reached up and ran them through his hair, pressing his face against his palms as he took deep, slow breaths. He hoped no one heard him. He always hoped that, just now it was for a different reason than before.
Sliding out of bed, Jonghyun padded toward the bathroom, him mind groggy from sleep, but his body too shaken to stay in bed. He went into the bathroom and closed the door, leaning over the sink.
How long had he been there? A little over two weeks. It feels so unreal The time that had passed since someone had finally heard his bleak attempt at screaming for help, the first time anyone had cared to try to save him, felt so long ago and yet he felt like he had just been there. Every moment he let himself think about it, he was afraid he would wake back up in that room again, that he would have no way out, that it would be just as bad, if not worse, if he were there again. It always made it difficult for him to find any sleep during the night, but that was something he was pretty used to. Over the years he had gotten used to falling asleep because of exhaustion rather than relaxation. Even now he couldn’t find that peaceful feeling when he laid down in bed, even now he was afraid.
Leaning further over, Jonghyun splashed some cool water on his face, the ability felt like a luxury still. So many things felt strange to him. Staring at the towel for a moment, Jonghyun pressed his fingers against it, water clinging to his eyes, making him squint blearily. Instead of pulling it off his dry his face, Jonghyun leaned closer to it and used the inside to pat his eyes dry, not worrying about the rest. It wasn't because he really thought that they would be angry at him for using things. They had told him over and over that things were okay, that he should make himself at home. 'What does that even mean?' he wondered.
There was an ever present desire to not leave an imprint of himself anywhere, to not leave any hint that he'd been there. He'd only use things as much as he needed to, putting anything he could back exactly the way it had been after using it. It was why when he walked out of the bathroom, no one would have ever known he'd been there unless they had seen him, and it was why when he walked back into his room he immediately remade the bed and then instead of sitting on it, went to his desk. Because the chair wouldn't show signs of him having been there, because it felt so much firmer and cold, distant and safe.
Taking a slow breath, Jonghyun pulled the notebooks closer to him and flipped open the blue-covered one. They'd said it was for school. Then they gave him another one to write down anything else he wanted. He didn't know what he would have written in there. It had been so long since he'd written anything just because he wanted to. Pressing his lips together, Jonghyun stared down into the white paper like it was some sort of portal into his another world. His mind went blank, something he liked to think of as slipping into nothingness. His mind was a void, swallowing not only thoughts but emotions too, leaving him blank, with nothing. It had been something he'd learned to do to keep from crying as much, something he hadn't done as often early on but ended up being a daily practice. Now it was only a natural state to assume when he was alone, when there was nothing between him and the recent memories he didn't want to lay claim to.
School was harder than he'd thought it would be. Of course when he first heard mention of it he was both scared and excited. It had been so long since he'd been to a real school, but his memories of it had always been something he'd held onto. He'd been pretty popular back then. There was always a kid he could play with, always someone to talk to. Of course he was nervous at the thought of going back now, after so long. And when he got there the first day, it had been so different from what he'd remembered. After thinking about it though, he wondered if maybe it wasn't the people, the school that was different, but him. Maybe it just wasn't a place he belonged anymore. Maybe there was no good place for him to belong anymore.
The second day was no better. In fact, it was actually much worse. The first day he'd been afraid and nervous. By the time he was leaving he felt unwelcome, like he didn't fit in. Going back the next day was hard. He felt a little better being able to walk all the way to class with Key. Even in silence, he drew comfort from the one person he knew, but that only lasted so long and when he was at the door to his classroom he felt the first wave of dread settling into his stomach. He would never had traded it back for what he had before, but at least there he knew what to expect. Here, he had no idea what was going to happen or how things worked. Stepping into the classroom, moving one foot at a time, Jonghyun kept his eyes locked on the floor as he watched each step he took.
He refused to look at anyone else, even when the teacher said his name, he only stared at his desk. She could see him, couldn't she? She seemed to be fine with it because she moved on to the next person. A couple minutes later, Jonghyun felt a sharp poke in his back. He could feel the boy behind him leaning closer.
"You think you're special or something? Are you too good to talk to us?"
Jonghyun didn't respond, and the kid eventually sat back in his seat. Pressing his lips together and staring hard at the wood in front of him, Jonghyun had to fight the urge to run.
As the class went on, Jonghyun quickly discovered the kid behind him had something against him. About halfway through, he felt something digging into his back, just below his shoulder blade. He straightened with wide eyes as it continued pushing against him. It didn't take him long to figure out the kid was pressing his pencil against him. Jonghyun leaned forward, trying to get away from it without causing a scene, but the boy just pushed it harder. Biting his lip, Jonghyun started to feel uncomfortable from the constant pressure. Jonghyun tightened his hands into fists. He felt tears well up in his eyes as the discomfort turned painful, but he fought them back vigorously. After what felt like hours, the boy finally pulled his pencil back when the teacher said his name loudly, but she hadn't noticed what he was doing. She was simply asking him about the event he was supposed to be helping out with for some celebration day the school was having. Letting his body hunch over, Jonghyun didn't really know what any of it meant, but he was relieved to not have the pencil in his back anymore.
The day continued on, not really getting any better until lunchtime. Key came to the door of the room and motioned for him to come out. Jonghyun followed him to the spot where they'd eaten lunch the day before. Minho stared at him, and Jonghyun could feel that look even when he looked away. Onew was definitely the friendlier of the two, and Jonghyun almost felt himself warming up to him. Minho and Key went off to buy a drink because Minho had forgotten his and insisted Key come with him. Jonghyun was left with Onew, something he wasn't sure how he felt about at first.
"So, you've been living with Key for a little while now, huh?" he tried to make conversation, and Jonghyun looked up at him and nodded slowly, uncertain of his intentions. Onew smiled and chuckled a little. "I bet that's fun. When I've stayed over there I always enjoyed it. Mrs. Kim is a great cook. The only thing that was annoying was how Key wanted to play Lady Gaga all night long."
Jonghyun felt a smile tug at his lips at the statement and Onew seemed to notice because his face split into a huge grin. "Ah! He's made you listen to it too! Of course." he laughed again and Jonghyun thought that this friend of Key's wasn't so bad. Smiling, he took a bite of his lunch and tried not to think about how short lunch was compared to the rest of the day.
Once back in the classroom, Jonghyun felt a constant sense of dread. Even though they changed classes and he didn't always have to sit in front of that one kid, he was afraid that more kids would tease him. The boy who seemed to hate him was in another class, closer to the end of the day. He walked into the room and spotted Jonghyun. "Still mute?" he asked and a couple of the other kids laughed. Jonghyun looked out the window, trying to ignore the sinking feeling inside of him. It was strange how even though he was back amongst so many people he still felt so entirely alone. It was a dark, depressing feeling that he had trouble quelling completely. Suddenly everything Key's mother had told him about the world, about making friends and being a part of it again, seemed so impossible.
At one point during the lesson, Jonghyun noticed someone walking outside of the classroom. When he looked over, he saw that it was Key. A fear gripped his body when he saw him walking, the possibility of him leaving feeling very real, especially when he was walking in the direction of the front door. Panic raced through him and Jonghyun shot up out of his seat and ran into the hallway. He barely registered the teacher's surprise and the student's gasps. Once in the hallway he saw Key's retreating back and took several quick steps to close the distance between them.
"Key," he gasped, his voice ringing in the hallway. Key looked back at him with wide eyes.
"Jonghyun?" he asked uncertainly. "What are you doing out here?" Key walked closer to him and Jonghyun shrugged, looking at the floor. After a moment of looking thoughtful, he asked, "You didn't think I was leaving did you?"
Jonghyun looked up at him and Key seemed to gather everything he needed just from that look. It made Jonghyun feel both amazed and happy that Key understood him, even though it felt really embarrassing to have gotten so scared.
"I was just going to the bathroom," Key said with a smile, reaching out and placing a warm hand against his shoulder. "Do you want to come with me?"
Nodding, Jonghyun smiled a little awkwardly and followed Key into the washroom. Key stopped at the mirror and started fixing his hair, smiling when his gaze met Jonghyun's through the mirror. Jonghyun just stared at him, amazed at how cool and confident the other boy was. There was definitely something different about Key, different from anyone else. Jonghyun didn't think it was because he was the first person around his age he'd seen in years, but because he was special.
Moving his eyes, Jonghyun looked at himself in the mirror. He didn't look that cool or confident. It was really no wonder that the other kids laughed at him or picked on him. He looked thin, his eyes looked dark and dead. There wasn’t a single part of him that didn’t look worn, used. He could remember how the man used to always tell him he had good eyes. He said they were innocent and full of wonder, that those eyes were the kind that would be able to soak up all the magic of the world. Jonghyun couldn't really remember when he'd stopped saying that about his eyes, but at some point everything had become bad, used, unwanted. He became a burden, a ruined person who didn't matter to anyone anymore. If only. If only he could feel like he was important to just one person. He'd always wished, every day, that someone would be looking for him, that someone would find him and take him away. Then he would never be alone anymore. Looking back at Key who was furiously fixing his hair with a comb, Jonghyun fought down the consuming desire to be important to him, for Key to be that person. It wasn’t something he could force though, no matter how much he wanted it.
When Key was done, Jonghyun followed him back until he was at his classroom, trying not to drag his feet too much despite the desire to not go back. Key smiled that smile that he always did when he was trying to reassure him. Jonghyun tried to smile back before turning and going back into the classroom. The teacher stared at him, but didn't say anything as he moved back to his seat. It felt like every eye was on him as he sat down. Then the teacher started talking again and he closed his eyes, trying to block out the world for the next hour.
Later, on the way home again, Jonghyun tried not to be as down as he was the day before. He walked beside Key and ignored the thoughts of the students who didn't like him, instead looking around and taking in the sights as they passed by. Really, he hadn't had an opportunity to walk around like this for a long time. He felt a strong desire to go explore, to walk around more places instead of just heading straight home, but he was afraid to ask. He hadn't really asked for anything in so long, and it felt weird. So he just stayed quiet, walking by Key's side as the taller boy sporadically talked about his various activities at school. Jonghyun thought that joining a club just sounded scary. He didn't want to have to be there any longer than he already was, and the thought of Key having to stay after scared him even more because he didn't know what that would mean for him.
The thought of having to walk home alone or stick around school for even longer haunted Jonghyun’s thoughts for the rest of the evening. Being around Key and his mother were somewhat relieving though, especially when they talked directly to him. Key’s mother would always ask him questions, urging him to talk more. It was awkward, but he enjoyed it, especially when she would smile and ruffle his hair or touch his cheek. Jonghyun couldn’t help but think about his own mother’s smile, a shadow of a memory to him now. As he laid down in his bed that night, he tried to bring the image to his mind. Her soft voice as she leaned over him, kissing him goodnight, her gentle smile that made him feel warm and safe. It had all been ripped away from him too fast, only to be replaced with a new mother whose smile was never as gentle. Then his father left him too. That’s when he came along. Eyes flying open, Jonghyun tried to force the image of the man out of his head. Tears sprang to his eyes and he took a deep, shuddering breath as he furiously wiped them away.
Chapter Seven
Pairing: JongKey. Also some Minkey. Could be more, depending on whether or not this develops the way I intend :)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Angst, bullying, mentions of abuse.
Summary: The night a strange new person enters his life, everything changes for Key.
Word Count: 2,723
Notes: Well, it's a bit longer. Keke. I hope you all enjoy this chapter as it will definitely help you see into what's going on with Jonghyun a little better ^.^
Spot For: hurryupthecakes, ryotanfan29, and ezri_sun :D Always feel free to ask me for a spot on a fic if anyone would like one ^_^
01| 02| 03| 04| 05
The loud shrieking creak of the door closing filtered into his mind, the first light of day pushed in through his eyelids. He couldn't remember when he'd finally fallen asleep the night before.
Boy! Why aren't you awake yet? How many times have I told you? Yah! Get up!
In his half asleep state, the voice sounded so real. He shot up with a small cry, looking around the room quickly, but he knew he was in the Kim's house now. It felt different, sounded different. His hands shook as he reached up and ran them through his hair, pressing his face against his palms as he took deep, slow breaths. He hoped no one heard him. He always hoped that, just now it was for a different reason than before.
Sliding out of bed, Jonghyun padded toward the bathroom, him mind groggy from sleep, but his body too shaken to stay in bed. He went into the bathroom and closed the door, leaning over the sink.
How long had he been there? A little over two weeks. It feels so unreal The time that had passed since someone had finally heard his bleak attempt at screaming for help, the first time anyone had cared to try to save him, felt so long ago and yet he felt like he had just been there. Every moment he let himself think about it, he was afraid he would wake back up in that room again, that he would have no way out, that it would be just as bad, if not worse, if he were there again. It always made it difficult for him to find any sleep during the night, but that was something he was pretty used to. Over the years he had gotten used to falling asleep because of exhaustion rather than relaxation. Even now he couldn’t find that peaceful feeling when he laid down in bed, even now he was afraid.
Leaning further over, Jonghyun splashed some cool water on his face, the ability felt like a luxury still. So many things felt strange to him. Staring at the towel for a moment, Jonghyun pressed his fingers against it, water clinging to his eyes, making him squint blearily. Instead of pulling it off his dry his face, Jonghyun leaned closer to it and used the inside to pat his eyes dry, not worrying about the rest. It wasn't because he really thought that they would be angry at him for using things. They had told him over and over that things were okay, that he should make himself at home. 'What does that even mean?' he wondered.
There was an ever present desire to not leave an imprint of himself anywhere, to not leave any hint that he'd been there. He'd only use things as much as he needed to, putting anything he could back exactly the way it had been after using it. It was why when he walked out of the bathroom, no one would have ever known he'd been there unless they had seen him, and it was why when he walked back into his room he immediately remade the bed and then instead of sitting on it, went to his desk. Because the chair wouldn't show signs of him having been there, because it felt so much firmer and cold, distant and safe.
Taking a slow breath, Jonghyun pulled the notebooks closer to him and flipped open the blue-covered one. They'd said it was for school. Then they gave him another one to write down anything else he wanted. He didn't know what he would have written in there. It had been so long since he'd written anything just because he wanted to. Pressing his lips together, Jonghyun stared down into the white paper like it was some sort of portal into his another world. His mind went blank, something he liked to think of as slipping into nothingness. His mind was a void, swallowing not only thoughts but emotions too, leaving him blank, with nothing. It had been something he'd learned to do to keep from crying as much, something he hadn't done as often early on but ended up being a daily practice. Now it was only a natural state to assume when he was alone, when there was nothing between him and the recent memories he didn't want to lay claim to.
School was harder than he'd thought it would be. Of course when he first heard mention of it he was both scared and excited. It had been so long since he'd been to a real school, but his memories of it had always been something he'd held onto. He'd been pretty popular back then. There was always a kid he could play with, always someone to talk to. Of course he was nervous at the thought of going back now, after so long. And when he got there the first day, it had been so different from what he'd remembered. After thinking about it though, he wondered if maybe it wasn't the people, the school that was different, but him. Maybe it just wasn't a place he belonged anymore. Maybe there was no good place for him to belong anymore.
The second day was no better. In fact, it was actually much worse. The first day he'd been afraid and nervous. By the time he was leaving he felt unwelcome, like he didn't fit in. Going back the next day was hard. He felt a little better being able to walk all the way to class with Key. Even in silence, he drew comfort from the one person he knew, but that only lasted so long and when he was at the door to his classroom he felt the first wave of dread settling into his stomach. He would never had traded it back for what he had before, but at least there he knew what to expect. Here, he had no idea what was going to happen or how things worked. Stepping into the classroom, moving one foot at a time, Jonghyun kept his eyes locked on the floor as he watched each step he took.
He refused to look at anyone else, even when the teacher said his name, he only stared at his desk. She could see him, couldn't she? She seemed to be fine with it because she moved on to the next person. A couple minutes later, Jonghyun felt a sharp poke in his back. He could feel the boy behind him leaning closer.
"You think you're special or something? Are you too good to talk to us?"
Jonghyun didn't respond, and the kid eventually sat back in his seat. Pressing his lips together and staring hard at the wood in front of him, Jonghyun had to fight the urge to run.
As the class went on, Jonghyun quickly discovered the kid behind him had something against him. About halfway through, he felt something digging into his back, just below his shoulder blade. He straightened with wide eyes as it continued pushing against him. It didn't take him long to figure out the kid was pressing his pencil against him. Jonghyun leaned forward, trying to get away from it without causing a scene, but the boy just pushed it harder. Biting his lip, Jonghyun started to feel uncomfortable from the constant pressure. Jonghyun tightened his hands into fists. He felt tears well up in his eyes as the discomfort turned painful, but he fought them back vigorously. After what felt like hours, the boy finally pulled his pencil back when the teacher said his name loudly, but she hadn't noticed what he was doing. She was simply asking him about the event he was supposed to be helping out with for some celebration day the school was having. Letting his body hunch over, Jonghyun didn't really know what any of it meant, but he was relieved to not have the pencil in his back anymore.
The day continued on, not really getting any better until lunchtime. Key came to the door of the room and motioned for him to come out. Jonghyun followed him to the spot where they'd eaten lunch the day before. Minho stared at him, and Jonghyun could feel that look even when he looked away. Onew was definitely the friendlier of the two, and Jonghyun almost felt himself warming up to him. Minho and Key went off to buy a drink because Minho had forgotten his and insisted Key come with him. Jonghyun was left with Onew, something he wasn't sure how he felt about at first.
"So, you've been living with Key for a little while now, huh?" he tried to make conversation, and Jonghyun looked up at him and nodded slowly, uncertain of his intentions. Onew smiled and chuckled a little. "I bet that's fun. When I've stayed over there I always enjoyed it. Mrs. Kim is a great cook. The only thing that was annoying was how Key wanted to play Lady Gaga all night long."
Jonghyun felt a smile tug at his lips at the statement and Onew seemed to notice because his face split into a huge grin. "Ah! He's made you listen to it too! Of course." he laughed again and Jonghyun thought that this friend of Key's wasn't so bad. Smiling, he took a bite of his lunch and tried not to think about how short lunch was compared to the rest of the day.
Once back in the classroom, Jonghyun felt a constant sense of dread. Even though they changed classes and he didn't always have to sit in front of that one kid, he was afraid that more kids would tease him. The boy who seemed to hate him was in another class, closer to the end of the day. He walked into the room and spotted Jonghyun. "Still mute?" he asked and a couple of the other kids laughed. Jonghyun looked out the window, trying to ignore the sinking feeling inside of him. It was strange how even though he was back amongst so many people he still felt so entirely alone. It was a dark, depressing feeling that he had trouble quelling completely. Suddenly everything Key's mother had told him about the world, about making friends and being a part of it again, seemed so impossible.
At one point during the lesson, Jonghyun noticed someone walking outside of the classroom. When he looked over, he saw that it was Key. A fear gripped his body when he saw him walking, the possibility of him leaving feeling very real, especially when he was walking in the direction of the front door. Panic raced through him and Jonghyun shot up out of his seat and ran into the hallway. He barely registered the teacher's surprise and the student's gasps. Once in the hallway he saw Key's retreating back and took several quick steps to close the distance between them.
"Key," he gasped, his voice ringing in the hallway. Key looked back at him with wide eyes.
"Jonghyun?" he asked uncertainly. "What are you doing out here?" Key walked closer to him and Jonghyun shrugged, looking at the floor. After a moment of looking thoughtful, he asked, "You didn't think I was leaving did you?"
Jonghyun looked up at him and Key seemed to gather everything he needed just from that look. It made Jonghyun feel both amazed and happy that Key understood him, even though it felt really embarrassing to have gotten so scared.
"I was just going to the bathroom," Key said with a smile, reaching out and placing a warm hand against his shoulder. "Do you want to come with me?"
Nodding, Jonghyun smiled a little awkwardly and followed Key into the washroom. Key stopped at the mirror and started fixing his hair, smiling when his gaze met Jonghyun's through the mirror. Jonghyun just stared at him, amazed at how cool and confident the other boy was. There was definitely something different about Key, different from anyone else. Jonghyun didn't think it was because he was the first person around his age he'd seen in years, but because he was special.
Moving his eyes, Jonghyun looked at himself in the mirror. He didn't look that cool or confident. It was really no wonder that the other kids laughed at him or picked on him. He looked thin, his eyes looked dark and dead. There wasn’t a single part of him that didn’t look worn, used. He could remember how the man used to always tell him he had good eyes. He said they were innocent and full of wonder, that those eyes were the kind that would be able to soak up all the magic of the world. Jonghyun couldn't really remember when he'd stopped saying that about his eyes, but at some point everything had become bad, used, unwanted. He became a burden, a ruined person who didn't matter to anyone anymore. If only. If only he could feel like he was important to just one person. He'd always wished, every day, that someone would be looking for him, that someone would find him and take him away. Then he would never be alone anymore. Looking back at Key who was furiously fixing his hair with a comb, Jonghyun fought down the consuming desire to be important to him, for Key to be that person. It wasn’t something he could force though, no matter how much he wanted it.
When Key was done, Jonghyun followed him back until he was at his classroom, trying not to drag his feet too much despite the desire to not go back. Key smiled that smile that he always did when he was trying to reassure him. Jonghyun tried to smile back before turning and going back into the classroom. The teacher stared at him, but didn't say anything as he moved back to his seat. It felt like every eye was on him as he sat down. Then the teacher started talking again and he closed his eyes, trying to block out the world for the next hour.
Later, on the way home again, Jonghyun tried not to be as down as he was the day before. He walked beside Key and ignored the thoughts of the students who didn't like him, instead looking around and taking in the sights as they passed by. Really, he hadn't had an opportunity to walk around like this for a long time. He felt a strong desire to go explore, to walk around more places instead of just heading straight home, but he was afraid to ask. He hadn't really asked for anything in so long, and it felt weird. So he just stayed quiet, walking by Key's side as the taller boy sporadically talked about his various activities at school. Jonghyun thought that joining a club just sounded scary. He didn't want to have to be there any longer than he already was, and the thought of Key having to stay after scared him even more because he didn't know what that would mean for him.
The thought of having to walk home alone or stick around school for even longer haunted Jonghyun’s thoughts for the rest of the evening. Being around Key and his mother were somewhat relieving though, especially when they talked directly to him. Key’s mother would always ask him questions, urging him to talk more. It was awkward, but he enjoyed it, especially when she would smile and ruffle his hair or touch his cheek. Jonghyun couldn’t help but think about his own mother’s smile, a shadow of a memory to him now. As he laid down in his bed that night, he tried to bring the image to his mind. Her soft voice as she leaned over him, kissing him goodnight, her gentle smile that made him feel warm and safe. It had all been ripped away from him too fast, only to be replaced with a new mother whose smile was never as gentle. Then his father left him too. That’s when he came along. Eyes flying open, Jonghyun tried to force the image of the man out of his head. Tears sprang to his eyes and he took a deep, shuddering breath as he furiously wiped them away.
Chapter Seven