It's Just a Tragedy
Title: It's Just a Tragedy
Pairing: Onew/Jonghyun
Rating: R
Warnings: Sexual content, character death, angst.
Summary: Jinki found everything he wanted in Jonghyun. The night after he finally thought he could have it all, he lost it. Only years later would he find out why.
Word Count: 8,278
Notes: The tragedy genre for my SHINee Genre Challenge, as requested by marupekopeko. This fic took forever, but that's because I have a lot going on irl too. I loved this story in my head, and I hope it came out well in words. I really hope everyone enjoys it, and cries a little :-P Love you all ^.^
P.S. I recommend listening to sad music while you read this. I listened to Jonghyun and Onew's 'Tragedy' duet a lot, and other random sad songs. :'(
Spot For: marupekopeko and ezri_sun.
It was late one night when they were teenagers that Jinki and Jonghyun were off on their own. It was completely normal for them to sneak off at night, wandering wherever their feet took them. Sometimes they'd even walk for hours. That night, they made it all the way out of the city. Jonghyun had exclaimed that they should stay, run away from home and find a new place to live out there. Jinki thought it sounded incredibly good, despite how unlikely it really was. Even though Jonghyun was a year younger, the two had clicked instantly when they met a year ago. Jonghyun loved to sing, and after hearing Jinki's voice, he decided they should be friends.
'If we're not in a band together someday, let's be close friends when we're both famous," he would say with a grin on his face that made Jinki's heart beat faster. He'd always agree enthusiastically. Everything Jonghyun said sounded good to him, because it was always a suggestion that included him, always something that made him feel special.
That particular night, they wandered until Jonghyun noticed a large field. Although they both knew it was probably someone's property and they could get in trouble for trespassing, they were young and didn't care. Jinki followed Jonghyun out into the field. A step too far and suddenly a swarm of lights took off around them. Jinki felt his mouth fall open a little in wonder. Jonghyun grinned from ear to ear.
"Jinki hyung, look! We found faeries! They're all around us."
"There just fireflies, Jonghyun," Jinki said, although he was grinning now too.
"But isn't that what they make you think of? When you can see the little lights flying up into the sky, it's like magic all around us."
It was in that moment when Jinki thought for the first time he was seeing something so beautiful that it looked perfect. The way the soft lights played against Jonghyun's face, the way he turned to Jinki and smiled so big it looked more cute than cool, like the smiles Jonghyun usually gave to other people.
In a flash it was gone, the younger boy moving, running further, making the fireflies jump up around him time after time. Jinki watched for a moment, soaking it all in. "Jinki, come on!" Jonghyun called, laughing and smiling like an idiot. Jinki grinned and ran after him, feeling like he could really see the magic as the fireflies flew all around them.
They ran until they were both panting. Jinki leaned over, hands pressed against his thighs as he tried to catch his breath. He could hear Jonghyun's soft chuckle as he walked over. When Jinki straightened, Jonghyun was a little closer than he expected. A firefly flew up between them, and both of their eyes moved to it as it hovered between their faces before flying further away, leaving them to only look at each other. Jonghyun’s eyes were soft and excited, a deep brown that made him feel like he was going to drown in them, and then Jonghyun's hand was reaching out to touch his cheek. His eyebrows knit together in thought while Jinki felt his heart beating faster. Then Jonghyun was leaning closer, brushing his lips across his. Jinki breathed in sharply and moved a hand out to grasp at Jonghyun's sleeve, feeling like his whole body was suddenly shaking with nervousness.
Jonghyun stepped closer, tilting his head further, opening his mouth against Jinki's. The older sighed deep in his throat and leaned into the kiss, moving his hands around Jonghyun's waist, pulling him closer. Even though they had never kissed or done so much as to relate any sort of feelings, it felt like it had been a long time coming. Jonghyun's tongue slipped past his lips and suddenly it felt much more intense. Jonghyun was pulling him down onto the ground and Jinki found himself pushing down insistently against the younger, pressing him tightly between himself and the cool dirt below them. Jonghyun's legs wrapped around his sides, pinning him close, trapping their bodies together. It was there in that field that Jinki lost his innocence. It was there that his ill-fated love truly began.
The next day, Jonghyun hadn't come to school. Jinki felt frustrated and confused. He had seemed fine before. There was no awkwardness when Jinki left him at his window. Jonghyun had been all smiles when he leaned in to kiss him goodbye. Every break he got, Jinki would check his phone to see if the younger had texted him back when he asked if everything was okay. He never responded. Not that night, not the next day. Jinki was starting to get seriously worried. The whole weekend went by and he still hadn't heard anything from him.
It was Monday morning before Jinki saw his friend again, sitting in their first class. He grinned when he saw Jinki and waved him over.
"Where were you Friday?" Jinki asked as soon as he was in front of him.
"I wasn't feeling too good, so I stayed home."
"You wouldn't answer your phone."
"The service got cut off."
"You couldn't have used your parent's phone to let me know?"
"I was busy, okay?"
"All weekend?" Jinki felt exasperated, the worry that had built up tinged with a little bit of anger.
Jonghyun groaned and ran his hands roughly through his hair, making it messy and disheveled looking. "Fine. You want to know the reason why I didn't call you?"
"Yes," Jinki said, suddenly feeling a little more nervous.
Jonghyun turned to look out the window. More students were filing into the room, and his explanation was soft, only for Jinki's ears. "What happened Thursday night was a mistake."
Jinki could have sworn he almost heard his heart break, as corny as that sounded.
Although Jonghyun had said what he did with Jinki was a mistake, he seemed eager to pursue others in a similar fashion. Jinki watched in something between shock and horror as over the next couple of days, Jonghyun started going after the hottest girls in senior year, chatting them up, flirting coyly and confidently. Whenever his eyes would meet Jinki's, he'd simply look away again, not looking too affected by the fact that he'd just ripped Jinki's entire dream to shred and then stomped on it repeatedly.
This attitude didn't change, but only seemed to get worse as time went on. Jonghyun started talking to Jinki again not long after, and the older boy didn't have the heart to push him away. They were friends first after all. It wasn't Jonghyun's fault that he didn't feel the same way, that he'd rather play around with many people than spend his time in a relationship with one. Jinki thought about moving on. He really did, but somehow he just couldn't bring himself to do it. More than just lacking interest in those who approached him, he had an ever present feeling that it would be wrong to say yes.
Before he graduated, one year ahead of Jonghyun, the younger man had suddenly come to him, insisting that they start a band together. Jinki wasn't really stupid, and could see it as the attempt to stay in contact that it was. Despite knowing that it would only continue to be difficult for him, he couldn't help but like the gesture, still wanting the other's friendship. Not long after the band was formed, Jonghyun gave Jinki a new name. Some of the others in the band were taking on stage names, and they came up with Onew for Jinki. He didn't really mind, except for the fact that Jonghyun started calling him that all the time. He missed hearing his real name on the other's lips, missed how much more personal it felt. Jonghyun also insisted, a month later, that for the band's sake he shouldn't move away to go to college. It was fine. The one is Seoul was good enough.
Being in college made things easier in some ways. Not seeing Jonghyun at school meant he didn't really have to see him flirt with other people much, except for the other guys in their band. Fortunately enough, Jinki never heard of them doing anything more than flirting. Jonghyun never started dating anyone during that time, something Jinki was secretly grateful for. He always thought it would be the most difficult thing to see the other do. Jonghyun still treated him like a friend, only like a friend. One day Jinki finally told himself that was why Jonghyun had freaked out and pushed him away. Obviously it was because he hadn't felt the same way. Jinki thought that had to be it.
For a while, distance made it easier, and most weekends when they would practice, he could almost forget that he had wanted so much more than just friendship, that he still wanted it. But surely enough, that year slipped away quickly enough, and Jonghyun entered the college Jinki was attending without there being anything he could do about it. He could have transferred, he could have denied Jonghyun's request, which was more like a demand, to become roommates. Ultimately though, he couldn't do either of those things.
After Jonghyun and him moved into a small, two room apartment, things only got worse. It wasn't even like high school now. It was ten fold what it had been then. Now Jinki had to watch as Jonghyun brought other people over, the muffled sex sounds that came from his room. He had to think about what he was doing with other people when he didn't come home until really late, sometimes not at all. At some point, Jonghyun started encouraging Jinki to go out too, to have a little fun and live a little. Jinki related the fact that he wasn't interested in one night stands. That was probably the worst thing to say, because a week after that statement, Jonghyun started trying to set him up with various people, men and women.
Jinki turned them all down, one by one, until one day he finally decided to give in with the hope that Jonghyun would get off his back about it. College wasn't about dating after all, and he still just didn't have the interest in finding someone else. Jonghyun looked surprised when he agreed, but quickly covered it with a smile and set up a date for them. Up until he was actually on the date date, Jinki wished he hadn't agreed. But the girl he met wasn't so bad actually. She was also more intent on studying, although Jinki couldn't say that one of the biggest reasons he didn't want to date was because he loved his best friend. So, they at least had a fake sort of connection. There was an obvious lack of interest and they ended up turning it into a friend date instead, changing the plans a little by going to see a comedy instead of a romance and by changing the place they were going to eat at later to a simple ramen joint. He even texted Jonghyun at one point to tell him things were going well and that she was really nice. He couldn't help but think about how jealous he would be if their situations were reversed, and then he thought for the millionth time in his life how nice it would be if Jonghyun would just return his feelings. He wished his friend would get jealous, but he was certain that he wouldn't.
When Jinki got home, Jonghyun wasn't there, which wasn't anything unusual really. He headed for his room in the little apartment and set down his stuff before taking a shower and getting ready to settle in for a nice full night of studying. Around eleven, Jinki heard Jonghyun come in, slamming the door rather loudly. He only shook his head at it, but the following crash made him jump out of the seat at his desk. He walked out of his room and saw Jonghyun standing in the kitchen, staring down at a bottle he'd apparently dropped. It hadn't broken, but the alcoholic contents had slowly seeped out onto the floor. Jonghyun looked up at him and a crooked smile pulled his lips up. Jinki didn't really know how to react to it. He'd never seen the other drunk before. Despite how wild Jonghyun seemed to be, he didn't really drink or do any sort of drugs that Jinki was aware of. He didn't even smoke, although he always loudly proclaimed it would damage his throat. Jinki hadn't been sure why he didn't drink. Well, until now anyway.
Jonghyun took several unsteady steps towards him and Jinki just stood there staring at him until the other almost fell. He reacted immediately, moving forward to help steady him. "Jonghyun, are you okay?"
"Yeah 'm fine. Where 's your new guuuurlfriend? She in your room?" He gestured too widely, almost smacking Jinki in the head with his arm.
"No, I don't sleep with people on the first date."
"Oh," the younger man replied and just stood there for a second. He seemed to sober up just a little, his back straightening some, "So you two hit it off, huh? Are you going to go out with her again?"
Jinki hadn't thought too much about it, so he shrugged, "Yeah, maybe. I mean I liked her so why not."
Jonghyun face tilted and when his gaze met Jinki's, the older man felt floored by the look in them. His eyes were narrowed, his brows furrowed, his mouth turned down in an expression that looked half angry, half pout. Then Jonghyun's hands were grasping at his head, pulling him closer, and their lips met. Jonghyun made the most obscene noise as his body practically melted into Jinki's, clinging to him with a vice like grip as his tongue pushed its way into Jinki's gaping mouth. Despite the initial shock, it wasn't long before Jonghyun had Jinki's blood boiling with a hot desire he hadn't ever been able to fully explore. The first time had somehow seemed innocent, awkward, new. Now it was over a year coming and Jinki didn't know if he could hold himself back, even if it was sort of like taking advantage of his friend.
Minutes later, Jinki's arms were pressing against Jonghyun, moving them both to his bed where they collapsed, the younger still ferociously attacking his body. Jinki pulled back, having to force Jonghyun's arms to loosen around his shoulder, He stared down at him and Jonghyun looked back with those big, brown eyes he'd fallen for so long ago.
"Jinki, please," he whispered, and it would have taken a fucking train to pull him away now. Jonghyun's eager kisses and touches quickly driving Jinki's body crazy with need and even though a tiny thought in the back of his head suggested how bad of an idea this might be, he ignored it completely. He couldn't quell the feeling in his stomach, a bubbling of stupid excitement, of hope.
But he should have known better. When he woke up, Jonghyun was gone. Not only that, but several hours later he was stumbling in the door with another man attached to his lips. For the first time in a while, Jinki felt pure anger at his friend. How could he build up his hopes after all this time, just to knock them all down again without a single word of an explanation? And Jinki wouldn't get one. The topic seemed to make the other uncomfortable, so Jinki dropped it. That was until several weeks later, Jonghyun was back in his bed, pressing up against him with pure need, alcohol on his breath and pleas dropping out of his mouth until Jinki gave him everything he asked for. It happened like this every time, and every time it was never mentioned after.
Even though it was easy enough to let it continue like that, it was tearing Jinki up inside. When he wanted so much more, when he had to watch Jonghyun mess around with other people, it didn't feel right. Maybe it was the stress getting to him when he picked up the first cigarette. It was awful, but after a couple it was actually good. It made him feel calmer, made his nerves easier to deal with when Jonghyun was constantly making a mess out of them. Jonghyun didn't find out about the smoking until a few days after Jinki started. The younger was standing out on the balcony of their apartment, staring off into the night. A small smile was on his face when Jinki stepped up beside him. He didn't really look over and Jinki leaned over a little to shield his light as he lit the cigarette. Jonghyun's head snapped over quickly and Jinki inhaled deeply, taking a lot into him in one go. He looked back at Jonghyun to see the shock and what almost looked like fear there.
Suddenly Jonghyun grabbed the cigarette from his fingers. It broke even before Jonghyun tossed it to the ground. He hissed and cradled his hand. "What are you ..." Jinki started to ask, but was cut off by the younger man's angry yell.
"The fuck are you doing?" His face was slightly reddened with the anger and Jinki could only stare. "Why the hell are smoking?"
"I wanted to," Jinki defended himself, his own eyes narrowing. "I think I have the right to choose if I smoke or not."
"No you don't!"
Jinki's eyes widened before he scoffed at Jonghyun's statement.
"It's bad for you. It'll ruin your voice!"
"Oh, please Jonghyun. Like I'm really going to become a singer at this point. We're in college now. Grow up."
Jinki almost felt bad at the way the other's eyes widened in shock and hurt. "Don't say that."
"It's true. Sometime you're going to have to accept it too. Neither of us are going to be famous." he scuffed his shoes against the concrete and dug his hands in his pockets. "Besides, I make my own decisions. I don't have to answer to you."
With that, he turned and went back into the apartment, leaving Jonghyun outside. Maybe he would realize that Jinki wasn't just his doll to push around. Maybe he'd finally see that Jinki had feelings too. Still, he couldn't stop feeling guilty.
Despite that night, things continued on in pretty much the same way. Jonghyun was drinking and coming to him less often, something Jinki wasn't sure whether or not he should be happy about. They were just into their second year when Jinki found out something that made his whole body ache sickly. He didn't know what had happened when he came home and found Jonghyun laying by his dresser, completely passed out, a small cut on his forehead that was more than likely from hitting the edge of the dresser on the way down. Panic was just the tip of the iceberg when it came to the emotions that flooded through his body.
"Jonghyun," he pulled the other into his arms without even thinking. "Jonghyun, wake up. Shit, are you okay?" The younger man came to after a second, making relief flood through Jinki.
"What?" He asked, sounding confused before realization seemed to hit him. "Oh fuck."
"Jonghyun, what happened?" Jinki didn't let go of him, and Jonghyun hadn't pulled away yet.
"It's nothing," he said, pressing a hand against his head, hissing when he touched the cut.
"It's not nothing. People don't lie unconscious on the floor with wounds because of nothing."
That was when Jonghyun finally pulled away, moving to his feet. "I guess I learned my lesson," he said with his back turned to Jinki, "It's a bad idea to accept party favors from someone you don't know."
A hollow sounding laugh filled the room and Jinki felt his eyes narrow, about ready to tell Jonghyun off for being so stupid. Drugs could kill someone. But he was interrupted before he could begin. "I've got to go somewhere. I'll see you later."
Jinki could only stare after him in concern and confusion. Why was Jonghyun so dificult to understand, so difficult to get close to anymore? Why couldn't they have what they used to? It was then that Jinki decided he had to stop what they were doing. It wasn't going to make Jonghyun his, and it was only damaging their friendship further. As much as he hated it, the next time Jonghyun tried to start something, he swore he would break it off.
If Jonghyun's presence had been somewhat sporadic before, it only became worse as their second year in school progressed. By the time winter vacation was near, it wasn't anything unusual for him to disappear for weeks at a time. When Jinki asked though, he would simply shrug it off without an answer. It was maddening, frustrating, but there was really nothing he could do. Jonghyun wouldn't listen to him. He hated to think about what was happening to his grades. It had been over a week since he'd seen the younger man when he got a call after classes on a Friday evening, asking if he wanted to watch a movie and chill together. He sighed openly because no one else was in the apartment to hear him, then answered in the affirmative.
About half an hour later, Jonghyun showed up with a movie, a pack of microwaveable popcorn and a box of chicken. Jinki didn't have the heart to say anything about his absence or inconsiderately abrupt invitation.
Within ten minutes, Jinki made the popcorn and Jonghyun set up the DVD. When he came back in with the bowl of popcorn, Jonghyun was already sitting on the couch, remote in one hand. He had his head leaning back, his eyes closed. Jinki couldn't help but think he looked really peaceful. Not just that, but he was beautiful. His lips slightly parted as he breathed slowly. His face was chiseled like a fucking god had done it. Jinki thought he was perfection in human form. But it made sense that perfection wasn't something that could be tamed, couldn't be held down by one man.
Holding back a sigh, Jinki moved over and sat down next to the other man. Jonghyun opened his eyes and smiled at him. "About time," he said playfully before turning on the movie.
Jinki went for some chicken first. Jonghyun hoarded the popcorn bowl. They both had a drink. The movie started, something kind of dumb and the sort of funny only someone easily amused could appreciate. Jinki was one of those people, and Jonghyun knew it, which was probably why he chose it. Throughout the movie, he would add his own insights, which would make Jinki laugh even harder. His sides were hurting with half an hour left to go. Jonghyun kept smiling at him in a way that threw him off balance, and eventually the younger man sat the chicken and popcorn aside and scooted closer. There was still a little bit left in the movie, but Jinki couldn't focus with the other pressing up against his side, his hand playing with the hem of his shirt while his face pressed into his shoulder.
His entire body tensed with uncertainty and Jonghyun only pressed closer, his hand moving around Jinki's waist to hold onto him tightly. His head tilting up and leaning in so he could press his mouth against Jinki's neck. "Jinki," he said, his voice shaking just slightly.
Jinki tried to take a breath, but it felt like it died in his chest and never came back out. His hand reached down to grasp Jonghyun's, curling around it, feeling its warmth. Then, Jonghyun was moving on top of him. His knees pressed onto either side, his lips pressing demandingly against Jinki's. The older immediately felt his body react, just as easily as it ever had to the younger male. But suddenly his promise to himself flooded back to the front of his mind and he broke the kiss. Jonghyun only moved his mouth to kiss down his neck, receiving a deep moan in response. "Jonghyun," he breathed, his eyes closed tightly. When the other didn't answer, he was forced to speak again. "Jonghyun, I can't."
Jonghyun's lips stilled on his neck, but he didn't pull away. "I'm tired," Jinki continued. "I can't do this anymore. I want to find someone that I can really be with. You know I'm not into no strings attached sex. I just can't do it anymore."
It felt like several minutes went by before the younger pulled back, a dazzling smile on his face. "Of course I want you to find that too, hyung," he said, but then he leaned back closer and pressed his open mouth against Jinki's neck again. "But just this one last time, okay? I'll never come to you again, but just tonight? Please."
Jonghyun had never acknowledged what they were doing so much, never asked for it so clearly, and the please made Jinki's will die as quick as it came. One last time. It hurt more hearing it from Jonghyun than it had when he was the one who had thought it. Instead of thinking about it more though, Jinki wrapped his arms around Jonghyun's waist and hoisted them both up. Jonghyun's legs wrapped around him easily, and Jinki carried him to his bed, the movie completely forgotten by both parties.
Jinki laid them both on the bed slowly so he wouldn't have to pull away too much. Jonghyun was still kissing and sucking on his neck, making the blood rush through Jinki's body so quickly that he almost felt dizzy. The older man pulled back enough to look at Jonghyun, and it suddenly hit him. "You haven't been drinking," he whispered without thinking about it. It was the first time since their first time together that Jonghyun had wanted sex without being at least tipsy. The younger male stared past him for a moment without responding, and then pulled him down for a kiss and Jinki knew it meant that he wouldn't talk about it, so he dropped it. He didn't want to ruin their last time together.
Jinki was almost pleasantly surprised when Jonghyun showed up at their apartment again the very next afternoon. That was until he saw some pretty little twink following after him. He couldn't help but frown at the guy, who blinked at him with an uncertain wariness. Jonghyun didn't act like he noticed as he introduced them. "Jinki this is Taemin, a guy from one of my classes. He lives down the hall from us and he offered to help me move some of my stuff. This is my roommate, Jinki."
The older man felt a little hurt that Jonghyun hadn't asked him for help, but it was quickly quelled by curiosity. He followed the two to Jonghyun's room and watched as the short man started shoving things into a bag.
"Move some of your stuff?" he repeated the statement as a question, wanting more information.
"Yeah," Jonghyun drew out the word as he looked through some books, tossing some aside and then taking the rest to his bag. "Winter break starts next week, but I'm going to leave a little early."
The other guy stood awkwardly to the side and Jinki almost felt bad for him, so he sent him a friendly smile, which was returned with a polite, but short nod. Maybe he wasn't one to get past first impressions. "Oh," was all Jinki could muster in response. He went back out to check on his dinner, and within minutes the two were walking back through the kitchen. Jonghyun had his small bag and the other guy had a big crate that was straining his arms.
"Need any help?"
"We got it," Jonghyun said rather curtly, making Jinki feel flustered and once again, hurt.
"You're leaving now?"
"Yeah."
"When are you coming back?"
"I don't know."
"By the time school starts again, right?"
"Maybe. I don't want to plan too far ahead," with that, Jonghyun walked closer to Jinki, leaning in to kiss his cheek. Jinki felt himself flush a deep shade of red and he pointedly did not look to see if the other guy there was staring at them. "Goodbye, Jinki."
It sounded kind of cryptic, and made Jinki wonder if Jonghyun was planning on moving out. It kind of broke his heart, but at the same time he wondered if it was being done for him. With the other guy there, he couldn't really talk about it. But he would call later, and maybe Jonghyun would be willing to talk more when he got back. "I'll see you later, okay?" Jinki said in return, hopeful.
Jonghyun smiled and nodded. "Yeah, see you before you know it."
That made Jinki feel a little bit better as the two left the apartment together.
The days drug on and life felt pretty normal for Jinki, since Jonghyun was rarely around anyway. It was the day before winter break that Jonghyun called him. He answered with a pleasant hello, happy to hear from the younger man.
"Onew, yah! It's good to hear your voice," Jonghyun sounded happy and full of energy.
It made Jinki wonder what he'd been up to, so he asked. "How is your vacation going so far?"
"It's great,” there was a slight pause before he continued, “Look I have to tell you something, Jinki," the use of his real name immediately caught his attention, making him wonder if it was serious or if Jonghyun had just slipped up.
"Yeah, what is it?"
"I met someone. I didn't know how to say it before, but I'm with him now. He's really great. He's really attractive in a tall, big eyed sort of way. His name's Choi Minho."
As Jonghyun rattled on about this guy, Jinki's mind went blank. A slow, quiet anger filled him, his eyes blurring was the first thing that brought him back to reality, and he heard Jonghyun on the line saying, "Onew? Jinki, are you there?"
"I'm here," he said quietly, afraid of his voice betraying his emotions.
There was silence, then the sound of a door. "Oh, he's here. I'll let him say hello." Jonghyun voice took on the quality of someone talking to another person, his mouth not right on the phone. "Hey. I was just talking on the phone to my best friend, Onew. Here, say hello to him."
A deep voice rang in Jinki's ear suddenly, making him feel a little nauseous. "Hello?"
"Hello," Jinki's voice sounded hollow to his own ears, but he had no idea how it sounded to the other man.
"Oh, it's nice to finally hear your voice. Jonghyun's told me so much about you."
"Oh." Jinki bit his lip hard enough that it hurt. His heart beat loudly in his ears as they strained to hear the continued conversation on the other side of the line.
"Come on. Don't you want to get out of bed now? You can talk later."
"Mmm, okay. Sounds good, but only if you buy me breakfast."
"Oh? I have just the thing in mind. I think you'll love it."
Then there was a rustling sound and Jonghyun was talking into the receiver again. "Onew? I have to go now. I'll call you again later. I hope your winter vacation is a good as mine has been so far. Bye!"
Jinki barely had time to say goodbye before the tone signaled Jonghyun's departure. Jinki gripped his phone tightly in his hand as his shoulders shook, tears finally spilling out the corners of his eyes as he sat there in silence. It was one thing for Jonghyun to sleep around. It was one thing for him to not be able to settle down with one person, and therefore, leave Jinki behind. But to become involved with someone else. To fall for someone else. Jinki heaved forward as a sob rocked his body. Jumping out of his chair, he threw his phone as hard as he could against the opposite wall and watched as it broke and fell to the floor. He'd never been this angry, never felt so betrayed.
After that, Jinki didn't get his phone fixed for a while, still angry at the younger man for hurting him. But even more than angry, he was afraid of hearing that damn Minho again. Just the thought of him made Jinki's stomach twist and an uncontrollable feeling of jealousy ate away at him inside. He couldn't face this yet. He wasn't ready.
The day he finally went to get a new phone, only a week before school would start again, Jinki saw that he had a incredible amount of missed calls and voicemails. He went home before even trying to check them. The first one was from Jonghyun and he skipped it, along with the second, fourth, and eighth. The other early ones were from his mom, but he'd found other ways to speak to her in the last couple of weeks, so he wasn't too worried about it.
The next message was from Key, which was kind of surprising.
Onew? Why aren't you answering your god damn phone? Call me back, okay? It's important.
Then Joon, who was sniffling and muttering incoherent things.
Can't ... Key .. told you yet? ... can't ... isn't fair.
Jinki felt an ever increasing knot of worry forming in his stomach as the next message played, from a number he didn't know.
Hey, this is Taemin from before. I'm coming over this Friday. I wasn‘t sure if you‘d heard and I didn‘t want to show up unannounced.
Nothing told him what happened. Nothing said what was going on, just people rambling incoherent things. Quickly, he called Key, who seemed to be the most sensible choice.
"Onew?"
"What happened? I just got my phone back."
"Oh god. Please tell me you already know."
"I don't know. Everyone just left messages that tell me nothing on my phone!" he couldn't keep the panicked anger out of his voice. He took a breath and sat down, rubbing his forehead. "What happened, Key?"
"It's," Key voice cracked and he coughed as if to mask it before continuing. "It's Jonghyun," he sighed deeply as if he didn't want to continue and Jinki felt every nerve in his body go completely numb, his brain screaming in disbelief at Key's next words. "The service is this weekend. I'll text you the address."
A few days later, Jinki found himself standing in a long, white, morbid looking hallway. Every room looked like a monster about to jump out and attack him. They all seemed to say, 'It was here! It happened here!'
Thankfully, a nurse found him within a few minutes and he was directed to the person he was supposed to meet there. Another nurse, by the name of Taeyeon. She had short brown hair and a nice smile as she walked up to him. "Jinki?" she questioned and he could only nod in response. He was barely keeping himself together. "Wow, you look just like in the pictures. It's good to finally meet the infamous Jinki. I heard a lot about you from Jonghyun."
The name sent waves of pain scorching through his body and he had to reach up to wipe away the tears with his sleeve. He almost wanted to shake the woman for not being sensitive enough to not mention him at all. She looked at him sympathetically before lifting a manila envelope from her clipboard.
"This is for you. I wasn't sure if he really wanted you to have them, but they look like letters and they're all addressed to you. I think even if he was scared to send them, he would have wanted them to find their way to you." she smiled, her eyes misting slightly.
Jinki reached out with a shaking hand and took them from her, staring at them doubtfully. "How do you know he wanted me to have them then?" his voice sounded strained and shaky, but she didn't comment on it.
The nurse led him to some chairs and sat down beside him. Jinki stared down at his hands and tried to control his emotions. Moments later, he looked up and noticed a tall, dark haired doctor walk by. The name on his jacket hit Jinki like a smack in the face. But what the nurse was saying held his attention enough to keep him from dwelling on that too long.
“He was always writing those letters. I never realized how important you were to him until I saw him one night.”
She hadn’t worked with Jonghyun too long before she noticed how often he was writing letters or making calls that were never answered. It made her feel bad for the young man, and one day she asked him about it.
“He won’t answer my calls anymore. I can’t really blame him though.”
That night, he must have gotten the idea to try from a different number. She’d been making her rounds when she noticed his figure bent over the hospital’s pay phone. She moved closer to see who it was when the tone and click to voicemail filled the otherwise silent hallway. He suddenly sank to the floor, his body shaking with unsuppressed cries. She squeezed his shoulders and tried to help him up.
“Come on. Let’s get you back to bed.”
“No!” his raised voice rang loudly in the hallway, and he added more quietly, “One more try. I have enough for one more call.”
She watched as his next attempt met the same result. After that, he let her help him back to his room. “Who were you trying to call? We could get into contact with this person for you.”
“No,” he shook his head and stared ahead. “It’s better this way.”
He left the letters under his pillow, and when she found them, she knew giving them to Jinki was the right thing to do.
It was the next day before Jinki was even willing to look at the letters, as he sat waiting out behind the church. His shaking fingers slowly opened the envelope and pulled them out. Jonghyun's familiar handwriting scribbled onto the front of the first folded paper, 'To Jinki'. He found it difficult not to cry even before he started reading them.
After you left that night, I remember touching my lips, amazed by everything that had just happened. I couldn't stop smiling like an idiot. I didn't even care that something like that would get in the way of becoming a professional singer. At that moment, it couldn't have mattered less to me. I couldn't stop thinking and replaying everything in my mind until I got your text, saying you were home and about to pass out. So, I put on my pajama pants and that big white shirt you left over at my place that once. I wonder if you remember it. I went to get something to drink because I was really thirsty. The last thing I remember about that night was how oddly my heart was beating against my chest, how breathless I felt, and wondering if that was what love did to a person.
A sudden crash woke Jonghyun's parents up. The follow up of a loud thump made his father jump out of bed and grab a lamp, the closest thing to a stick he owned. His mother was out the door faster than he could unplug the stupid thing though, and he cursed before running after her.
"Jonghyun!" she shrieked and he forgot all possibilities of it being dangerous for them. The look of his son lying motionless in his mother's arms, the sound of an ambulance, and the endless waiting at the hospital were the strongest memories he had of that night. Sitting outside of the funeral home, he had told Jinki all about it before thanking him for being such a good friend. It was the most bitter feeling Jinki ever had as he nodded and watched the older man walk away.
I didn't want anyone to know that I was dying. I wanted to be normal, but at the same time I knew I wasn't. I knew that it was more likely than not that I would die before I was old. The doctors and my family told me I should try to continue living as I had before, only with special care to not hurt myself. All I heard then was that my life was over. I thought I would never get a new heart, that we didn't have the money or status to not have to wait through a list of donors that went on forever. I wouldn't be a lucky one. I thought I must have used up all my luck when I met you. That's why I pulled away from you. I was trying to stop you from loving me. I didn't want you to have to carry this burden. I didn't want it to ruin your life too. That's why even now, I'm glad I can't call you. I'm glad you've finally moved on. Only, it hurts so bad to be alone. When every second, the only face I want to see is yours.
The ink was smudged a little, hinting that Jonghyun had cried at some point while writing it. Jinki's hands shook and he laid the paper aside as he wiped the tears away from his face, his body rocking with a sob that he couldn't hold in anymore. The thought of how alone Jonghyun must have felt in his last moments, how alone he might have felt all those years, nearly killed him inside.
A couple of days later, Jinki found himself sitting beside Kibum, or Key, the guy who had so willingly taken over as manager for their band. "He changed after you left. Suddenly he stopped playing around as much. No one really knew what had happened. Some said he secretly had a girlfriend, or a boyfriend. I knew he didn't though." Key took a long drag of his cigarette and pressed his eyes against his palm, sniffing to keep the emotions inside. "I couldn't ever understand why he did the things he did, but I knew it had something to do with you. It was always obvious to me that he loved you, that he was both fighting to keep you while simultaneously pushing you away. I just wish," his voice broke a little and he took a deep breath before starting again, "I just wish I would have tried to find out more. I wish any of us would have actually tried to understand him. But we didn't."
Putting out his cigarette on the bench they'd decided to meet at, Key stood and gave Jinki a long, piercing gaze. "I can only pray that in his last moments he knew how much you loved him too, how much we all loved him," with that, he turned and walked away, leaving Jinki to stare off into the distance, every word eating away at his brain, replaying over and over and over.
It gets harder to do much of anything. I'm just so tired. Ah, but then I'm just complaining again. Do you remember that night, when you started smoking and I got upset? I wanted to say I'm sorry. I know you never understood why I acted the way I did, and I know I screwed everything up. After you left I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop wanting you, needing you. I didn't want you to hurt yourself. I wanted you to continue toward your dream because I could no longer have mine. I'll never be a singer, and I'll never have you.
The words from the letter rang out in his head and before he realized it, a tear had dripped onto his hand. He blinked and wiped away the remains from his face. No matter how loud he screamed, it wouldn't matter, a dark feeling of defeat settling in his stomach. He could never tell Jonghyun that he was wrong, that he already did have him. He always had, from the moment they'd met, right when he looked into those deep brown, puppy eyes. Right when he'd seen that big, goofy smile directed only at him, Jinki had been completely taken.
It was late in the evening when Jinki went home, feeling completely broken and numb from all the crying he‘d done in the past couple of days. It wasn't that he even thought about being ashamed of crying in front of all those people. It wasn't something he could control, or that he even cared to try. Something like that didn't matter now, not now.
Stepping back into his apartment was like torture. Every single inch of it reminded him of something they'd done, some memory he had of them together. Before he could even shut the door, another sob wracked through his body. He managed to get it closed and locked with shaking hands. Several steps in had him in the middle of the living room. He stared at the couch, a place where they'd spent a lot of time hanging out together, the place where he should have seen all of it coming. He should have known something was wrong, that Jonghyun's odd behavior wasn't some character flaw because it had never really made sense.
Suddenly, everything seemed to sink in, and the reality of the situation hit him like a brick. Dropping the letters, Jinki fell to his knees, burying his face in his hands and letting himself fall forward against the floor. A deep, wail met his ears and it almost surprised him for a second that it came from him, but he was far too lost in his grief to care.
"AAAGGGHHH!" he screamed, digging his hand covered face against the floor as he shook with all the emotions that hadn't had the chance to come out yet. He screamed again, and then whined loudly in defeat. "Why? Why? Why?" he repeated like a mantra until he lost count of how many times he'd said it.
"It can't be real. IT CAN'T BE REAL!" he yelled, sitting up and staring ahead of him with anger, like the wall in front of him was to blame. His eyes burned red. "He can't be gone," his voice cracked around the last word and the hot tears ran faster. "Jonghyun, please. Please come back. Please, just give me another chance." He quickly stumbled to the other man's door and tried to force it open. It had been locked, and it took several animalistic slams of his own body into it to break it open. Breathing heavily, his shoulder aching, Jinki stumbled into the room and collapsed on the other man's bed.
"Jonghyun," he cried, burying his head into the pillow that only faintly smelled like his friend. "Please, you can't leave me like this. Not like this. Please," bitterness raced through him, like a cold dagger of self-hatred stabbing at his heart. If only he had gotten his phone fixed sooner. If only he had been there. The thought of Jonghyun being so alone, needing him ate away at him, making him writhe in an emotional agony so strong that it felt physically painful. "Please, just give me one more chance."
His begging didn't stop for several hours into the night, but his crying slowed and the gaps of silence increased as exhaustion overtook him.
They're going to hook me up to a machine. I've heard all kinds of things that might happen. The medicine's not working so well anymore. They're going to do surgery on me in the morning. I'm so scared. They said it doesn't look good. I could go into a coma, I could die on the operating table. I guess this is it, huh? They don't have a heart for me, Jinki. Ah, let me tell you a story. Back when they first diagnosed me, they said there was a good possibility that without a new heart, I wouldn't live past 20. My birthday's in a couple of months, Jinki. I always hoped I would prove them wrong, even just a little, but now I think that's impossible.
Will you do something for me? Will you celebrate my birthday for me, if I'm not here? Have a lot of fun, okay? If you ever read these. It's okay if you don't. I just want to be alive, even a little, on that day.
In the end, my resolution has failed. Being so close to dying, my priorities seem to have become very selfish. I just keep feeling like I'm so afraid that I'll die and you'll never know the real me. It makes me so sad, and I hate the thought of you looking back on me in that way, because of the things I've done. I just wanted to protect you, but ultimately I'm not that strong. Now, all I want is to see you smile at me, to know that I'll always be important to you. Like you are to me. And that leads me to my final thought. I have to say it in case I never get the chance. I never liked or dated another person. Minho was just my doctor. Jinki, now and forever, there was never anyone else. I always loved you.
Pairing: Onew/Jonghyun
Rating: R
Warnings: Sexual content, character death, angst.
Summary: Jinki found everything he wanted in Jonghyun. The night after he finally thought he could have it all, he lost it. Only years later would he find out why.
Word Count: 8,278
Notes: The tragedy genre for my SHINee Genre Challenge, as requested by marupekopeko. This fic took forever, but that's because I have a lot going on irl too. I loved this story in my head, and I hope it came out well in words. I really hope everyone enjoys it, and cries a little :-P Love you all ^.^
P.S. I recommend listening to sad music while you read this. I listened to Jonghyun and Onew's 'Tragedy' duet a lot, and other random sad songs. :'(
Spot For: marupekopeko and ezri_sun.
It was late one night when they were teenagers that Jinki and Jonghyun were off on their own. It was completely normal for them to sneak off at night, wandering wherever their feet took them. Sometimes they'd even walk for hours. That night, they made it all the way out of the city. Jonghyun had exclaimed that they should stay, run away from home and find a new place to live out there. Jinki thought it sounded incredibly good, despite how unlikely it really was. Even though Jonghyun was a year younger, the two had clicked instantly when they met a year ago. Jonghyun loved to sing, and after hearing Jinki's voice, he decided they should be friends.
'If we're not in a band together someday, let's be close friends when we're both famous," he would say with a grin on his face that made Jinki's heart beat faster. He'd always agree enthusiastically. Everything Jonghyun said sounded good to him, because it was always a suggestion that included him, always something that made him feel special.
That particular night, they wandered until Jonghyun noticed a large field. Although they both knew it was probably someone's property and they could get in trouble for trespassing, they were young and didn't care. Jinki followed Jonghyun out into the field. A step too far and suddenly a swarm of lights took off around them. Jinki felt his mouth fall open a little in wonder. Jonghyun grinned from ear to ear.
"Jinki hyung, look! We found faeries! They're all around us."
"There just fireflies, Jonghyun," Jinki said, although he was grinning now too.
"But isn't that what they make you think of? When you can see the little lights flying up into the sky, it's like magic all around us."
It was in that moment when Jinki thought for the first time he was seeing something so beautiful that it looked perfect. The way the soft lights played against Jonghyun's face, the way he turned to Jinki and smiled so big it looked more cute than cool, like the smiles Jonghyun usually gave to other people.
In a flash it was gone, the younger boy moving, running further, making the fireflies jump up around him time after time. Jinki watched for a moment, soaking it all in. "Jinki, come on!" Jonghyun called, laughing and smiling like an idiot. Jinki grinned and ran after him, feeling like he could really see the magic as the fireflies flew all around them.
They ran until they were both panting. Jinki leaned over, hands pressed against his thighs as he tried to catch his breath. He could hear Jonghyun's soft chuckle as he walked over. When Jinki straightened, Jonghyun was a little closer than he expected. A firefly flew up between them, and both of their eyes moved to it as it hovered between their faces before flying further away, leaving them to only look at each other. Jonghyun’s eyes were soft and excited, a deep brown that made him feel like he was going to drown in them, and then Jonghyun's hand was reaching out to touch his cheek. His eyebrows knit together in thought while Jinki felt his heart beating faster. Then Jonghyun was leaning closer, brushing his lips across his. Jinki breathed in sharply and moved a hand out to grasp at Jonghyun's sleeve, feeling like his whole body was suddenly shaking with nervousness.
Jonghyun stepped closer, tilting his head further, opening his mouth against Jinki's. The older sighed deep in his throat and leaned into the kiss, moving his hands around Jonghyun's waist, pulling him closer. Even though they had never kissed or done so much as to relate any sort of feelings, it felt like it had been a long time coming. Jonghyun's tongue slipped past his lips and suddenly it felt much more intense. Jonghyun was pulling him down onto the ground and Jinki found himself pushing down insistently against the younger, pressing him tightly between himself and the cool dirt below them. Jonghyun's legs wrapped around his sides, pinning him close, trapping their bodies together. It was there in that field that Jinki lost his innocence. It was there that his ill-fated love truly began.
The next day, Jonghyun hadn't come to school. Jinki felt frustrated and confused. He had seemed fine before. There was no awkwardness when Jinki left him at his window. Jonghyun had been all smiles when he leaned in to kiss him goodbye. Every break he got, Jinki would check his phone to see if the younger had texted him back when he asked if everything was okay. He never responded. Not that night, not the next day. Jinki was starting to get seriously worried. The whole weekend went by and he still hadn't heard anything from him.
It was Monday morning before Jinki saw his friend again, sitting in their first class. He grinned when he saw Jinki and waved him over.
"Where were you Friday?" Jinki asked as soon as he was in front of him.
"I wasn't feeling too good, so I stayed home."
"You wouldn't answer your phone."
"The service got cut off."
"You couldn't have used your parent's phone to let me know?"
"I was busy, okay?"
"All weekend?" Jinki felt exasperated, the worry that had built up tinged with a little bit of anger.
Jonghyun groaned and ran his hands roughly through his hair, making it messy and disheveled looking. "Fine. You want to know the reason why I didn't call you?"
"Yes," Jinki said, suddenly feeling a little more nervous.
Jonghyun turned to look out the window. More students were filing into the room, and his explanation was soft, only for Jinki's ears. "What happened Thursday night was a mistake."
Jinki could have sworn he almost heard his heart break, as corny as that sounded.
Although Jonghyun had said what he did with Jinki was a mistake, he seemed eager to pursue others in a similar fashion. Jinki watched in something between shock and horror as over the next couple of days, Jonghyun started going after the hottest girls in senior year, chatting them up, flirting coyly and confidently. Whenever his eyes would meet Jinki's, he'd simply look away again, not looking too affected by the fact that he'd just ripped Jinki's entire dream to shred and then stomped on it repeatedly.
This attitude didn't change, but only seemed to get worse as time went on. Jonghyun started talking to Jinki again not long after, and the older boy didn't have the heart to push him away. They were friends first after all. It wasn't Jonghyun's fault that he didn't feel the same way, that he'd rather play around with many people than spend his time in a relationship with one. Jinki thought about moving on. He really did, but somehow he just couldn't bring himself to do it. More than just lacking interest in those who approached him, he had an ever present feeling that it would be wrong to say yes.
Before he graduated, one year ahead of Jonghyun, the younger man had suddenly come to him, insisting that they start a band together. Jinki wasn't really stupid, and could see it as the attempt to stay in contact that it was. Despite knowing that it would only continue to be difficult for him, he couldn't help but like the gesture, still wanting the other's friendship. Not long after the band was formed, Jonghyun gave Jinki a new name. Some of the others in the band were taking on stage names, and they came up with Onew for Jinki. He didn't really mind, except for the fact that Jonghyun started calling him that all the time. He missed hearing his real name on the other's lips, missed how much more personal it felt. Jonghyun also insisted, a month later, that for the band's sake he shouldn't move away to go to college. It was fine. The one is Seoul was good enough.
Being in college made things easier in some ways. Not seeing Jonghyun at school meant he didn't really have to see him flirt with other people much, except for the other guys in their band. Fortunately enough, Jinki never heard of them doing anything more than flirting. Jonghyun never started dating anyone during that time, something Jinki was secretly grateful for. He always thought it would be the most difficult thing to see the other do. Jonghyun still treated him like a friend, only like a friend. One day Jinki finally told himself that was why Jonghyun had freaked out and pushed him away. Obviously it was because he hadn't felt the same way. Jinki thought that had to be it.
For a while, distance made it easier, and most weekends when they would practice, he could almost forget that he had wanted so much more than just friendship, that he still wanted it. But surely enough, that year slipped away quickly enough, and Jonghyun entered the college Jinki was attending without there being anything he could do about it. He could have transferred, he could have denied Jonghyun's request, which was more like a demand, to become roommates. Ultimately though, he couldn't do either of those things.
After Jonghyun and him moved into a small, two room apartment, things only got worse. It wasn't even like high school now. It was ten fold what it had been then. Now Jinki had to watch as Jonghyun brought other people over, the muffled sex sounds that came from his room. He had to think about what he was doing with other people when he didn't come home until really late, sometimes not at all. At some point, Jonghyun started encouraging Jinki to go out too, to have a little fun and live a little. Jinki related the fact that he wasn't interested in one night stands. That was probably the worst thing to say, because a week after that statement, Jonghyun started trying to set him up with various people, men and women.
Jinki turned them all down, one by one, until one day he finally decided to give in with the hope that Jonghyun would get off his back about it. College wasn't about dating after all, and he still just didn't have the interest in finding someone else. Jonghyun looked surprised when he agreed, but quickly covered it with a smile and set up a date for them. Up until he was actually on the date date, Jinki wished he hadn't agreed. But the girl he met wasn't so bad actually. She was also more intent on studying, although Jinki couldn't say that one of the biggest reasons he didn't want to date was because he loved his best friend. So, they at least had a fake sort of connection. There was an obvious lack of interest and they ended up turning it into a friend date instead, changing the plans a little by going to see a comedy instead of a romance and by changing the place they were going to eat at later to a simple ramen joint. He even texted Jonghyun at one point to tell him things were going well and that she was really nice. He couldn't help but think about how jealous he would be if their situations were reversed, and then he thought for the millionth time in his life how nice it would be if Jonghyun would just return his feelings. He wished his friend would get jealous, but he was certain that he wouldn't.
When Jinki got home, Jonghyun wasn't there, which wasn't anything unusual really. He headed for his room in the little apartment and set down his stuff before taking a shower and getting ready to settle in for a nice full night of studying. Around eleven, Jinki heard Jonghyun come in, slamming the door rather loudly. He only shook his head at it, but the following crash made him jump out of the seat at his desk. He walked out of his room and saw Jonghyun standing in the kitchen, staring down at a bottle he'd apparently dropped. It hadn't broken, but the alcoholic contents had slowly seeped out onto the floor. Jonghyun looked up at him and a crooked smile pulled his lips up. Jinki didn't really know how to react to it. He'd never seen the other drunk before. Despite how wild Jonghyun seemed to be, he didn't really drink or do any sort of drugs that Jinki was aware of. He didn't even smoke, although he always loudly proclaimed it would damage his throat. Jinki hadn't been sure why he didn't drink. Well, until now anyway.
Jonghyun took several unsteady steps towards him and Jinki just stood there staring at him until the other almost fell. He reacted immediately, moving forward to help steady him. "Jonghyun, are you okay?"
"Yeah 'm fine. Where 's your new guuuurlfriend? She in your room?" He gestured too widely, almost smacking Jinki in the head with his arm.
"No, I don't sleep with people on the first date."
"Oh," the younger man replied and just stood there for a second. He seemed to sober up just a little, his back straightening some, "So you two hit it off, huh? Are you going to go out with her again?"
Jinki hadn't thought too much about it, so he shrugged, "Yeah, maybe. I mean I liked her so why not."
Jonghyun face tilted and when his gaze met Jinki's, the older man felt floored by the look in them. His eyes were narrowed, his brows furrowed, his mouth turned down in an expression that looked half angry, half pout. Then Jonghyun's hands were grasping at his head, pulling him closer, and their lips met. Jonghyun made the most obscene noise as his body practically melted into Jinki's, clinging to him with a vice like grip as his tongue pushed its way into Jinki's gaping mouth. Despite the initial shock, it wasn't long before Jonghyun had Jinki's blood boiling with a hot desire he hadn't ever been able to fully explore. The first time had somehow seemed innocent, awkward, new. Now it was over a year coming and Jinki didn't know if he could hold himself back, even if it was sort of like taking advantage of his friend.
Minutes later, Jinki's arms were pressing against Jonghyun, moving them both to his bed where they collapsed, the younger still ferociously attacking his body. Jinki pulled back, having to force Jonghyun's arms to loosen around his shoulder, He stared down at him and Jonghyun looked back with those big, brown eyes he'd fallen for so long ago.
"Jinki, please," he whispered, and it would have taken a fucking train to pull him away now. Jonghyun's eager kisses and touches quickly driving Jinki's body crazy with need and even though a tiny thought in the back of his head suggested how bad of an idea this might be, he ignored it completely. He couldn't quell the feeling in his stomach, a bubbling of stupid excitement, of hope.
But he should have known better. When he woke up, Jonghyun was gone. Not only that, but several hours later he was stumbling in the door with another man attached to his lips. For the first time in a while, Jinki felt pure anger at his friend. How could he build up his hopes after all this time, just to knock them all down again without a single word of an explanation? And Jinki wouldn't get one. The topic seemed to make the other uncomfortable, so Jinki dropped it. That was until several weeks later, Jonghyun was back in his bed, pressing up against him with pure need, alcohol on his breath and pleas dropping out of his mouth until Jinki gave him everything he asked for. It happened like this every time, and every time it was never mentioned after.
Even though it was easy enough to let it continue like that, it was tearing Jinki up inside. When he wanted so much more, when he had to watch Jonghyun mess around with other people, it didn't feel right. Maybe it was the stress getting to him when he picked up the first cigarette. It was awful, but after a couple it was actually good. It made him feel calmer, made his nerves easier to deal with when Jonghyun was constantly making a mess out of them. Jonghyun didn't find out about the smoking until a few days after Jinki started. The younger was standing out on the balcony of their apartment, staring off into the night. A small smile was on his face when Jinki stepped up beside him. He didn't really look over and Jinki leaned over a little to shield his light as he lit the cigarette. Jonghyun's head snapped over quickly and Jinki inhaled deeply, taking a lot into him in one go. He looked back at Jonghyun to see the shock and what almost looked like fear there.
Suddenly Jonghyun grabbed the cigarette from his fingers. It broke even before Jonghyun tossed it to the ground. He hissed and cradled his hand. "What are you ..." Jinki started to ask, but was cut off by the younger man's angry yell.
"The fuck are you doing?" His face was slightly reddened with the anger and Jinki could only stare. "Why the hell are smoking?"
"I wanted to," Jinki defended himself, his own eyes narrowing. "I think I have the right to choose if I smoke or not."
"No you don't!"
Jinki's eyes widened before he scoffed at Jonghyun's statement.
"It's bad for you. It'll ruin your voice!"
"Oh, please Jonghyun. Like I'm really going to become a singer at this point. We're in college now. Grow up."
Jinki almost felt bad at the way the other's eyes widened in shock and hurt. "Don't say that."
"It's true. Sometime you're going to have to accept it too. Neither of us are going to be famous." he scuffed his shoes against the concrete and dug his hands in his pockets. "Besides, I make my own decisions. I don't have to answer to you."
With that, he turned and went back into the apartment, leaving Jonghyun outside. Maybe he would realize that Jinki wasn't just his doll to push around. Maybe he'd finally see that Jinki had feelings too. Still, he couldn't stop feeling guilty.
Despite that night, things continued on in pretty much the same way. Jonghyun was drinking and coming to him less often, something Jinki wasn't sure whether or not he should be happy about. They were just into their second year when Jinki found out something that made his whole body ache sickly. He didn't know what had happened when he came home and found Jonghyun laying by his dresser, completely passed out, a small cut on his forehead that was more than likely from hitting the edge of the dresser on the way down. Panic was just the tip of the iceberg when it came to the emotions that flooded through his body.
"Jonghyun," he pulled the other into his arms without even thinking. "Jonghyun, wake up. Shit, are you okay?" The younger man came to after a second, making relief flood through Jinki.
"What?" He asked, sounding confused before realization seemed to hit him. "Oh fuck."
"Jonghyun, what happened?" Jinki didn't let go of him, and Jonghyun hadn't pulled away yet.
"It's nothing," he said, pressing a hand against his head, hissing when he touched the cut.
"It's not nothing. People don't lie unconscious on the floor with wounds because of nothing."
That was when Jonghyun finally pulled away, moving to his feet. "I guess I learned my lesson," he said with his back turned to Jinki, "It's a bad idea to accept party favors from someone you don't know."
A hollow sounding laugh filled the room and Jinki felt his eyes narrow, about ready to tell Jonghyun off for being so stupid. Drugs could kill someone. But he was interrupted before he could begin. "I've got to go somewhere. I'll see you later."
Jinki could only stare after him in concern and confusion. Why was Jonghyun so dificult to understand, so difficult to get close to anymore? Why couldn't they have what they used to? It was then that Jinki decided he had to stop what they were doing. It wasn't going to make Jonghyun his, and it was only damaging their friendship further. As much as he hated it, the next time Jonghyun tried to start something, he swore he would break it off.
If Jonghyun's presence had been somewhat sporadic before, it only became worse as their second year in school progressed. By the time winter vacation was near, it wasn't anything unusual for him to disappear for weeks at a time. When Jinki asked though, he would simply shrug it off without an answer. It was maddening, frustrating, but there was really nothing he could do. Jonghyun wouldn't listen to him. He hated to think about what was happening to his grades. It had been over a week since he'd seen the younger man when he got a call after classes on a Friday evening, asking if he wanted to watch a movie and chill together. He sighed openly because no one else was in the apartment to hear him, then answered in the affirmative.
About half an hour later, Jonghyun showed up with a movie, a pack of microwaveable popcorn and a box of chicken. Jinki didn't have the heart to say anything about his absence or inconsiderately abrupt invitation.
Within ten minutes, Jinki made the popcorn and Jonghyun set up the DVD. When he came back in with the bowl of popcorn, Jonghyun was already sitting on the couch, remote in one hand. He had his head leaning back, his eyes closed. Jinki couldn't help but think he looked really peaceful. Not just that, but he was beautiful. His lips slightly parted as he breathed slowly. His face was chiseled like a fucking god had done it. Jinki thought he was perfection in human form. But it made sense that perfection wasn't something that could be tamed, couldn't be held down by one man.
Holding back a sigh, Jinki moved over and sat down next to the other man. Jonghyun opened his eyes and smiled at him. "About time," he said playfully before turning on the movie.
Jinki went for some chicken first. Jonghyun hoarded the popcorn bowl. They both had a drink. The movie started, something kind of dumb and the sort of funny only someone easily amused could appreciate. Jinki was one of those people, and Jonghyun knew it, which was probably why he chose it. Throughout the movie, he would add his own insights, which would make Jinki laugh even harder. His sides were hurting with half an hour left to go. Jonghyun kept smiling at him in a way that threw him off balance, and eventually the younger man sat the chicken and popcorn aside and scooted closer. There was still a little bit left in the movie, but Jinki couldn't focus with the other pressing up against his side, his hand playing with the hem of his shirt while his face pressed into his shoulder.
His entire body tensed with uncertainty and Jonghyun only pressed closer, his hand moving around Jinki's waist to hold onto him tightly. His head tilting up and leaning in so he could press his mouth against Jinki's neck. "Jinki," he said, his voice shaking just slightly.
Jinki tried to take a breath, but it felt like it died in his chest and never came back out. His hand reached down to grasp Jonghyun's, curling around it, feeling its warmth. Then, Jonghyun was moving on top of him. His knees pressed onto either side, his lips pressing demandingly against Jinki's. The older immediately felt his body react, just as easily as it ever had to the younger male. But suddenly his promise to himself flooded back to the front of his mind and he broke the kiss. Jonghyun only moved his mouth to kiss down his neck, receiving a deep moan in response. "Jonghyun," he breathed, his eyes closed tightly. When the other didn't answer, he was forced to speak again. "Jonghyun, I can't."
Jonghyun's lips stilled on his neck, but he didn't pull away. "I'm tired," Jinki continued. "I can't do this anymore. I want to find someone that I can really be with. You know I'm not into no strings attached sex. I just can't do it anymore."
It felt like several minutes went by before the younger pulled back, a dazzling smile on his face. "Of course I want you to find that too, hyung," he said, but then he leaned back closer and pressed his open mouth against Jinki's neck again. "But just this one last time, okay? I'll never come to you again, but just tonight? Please."
Jonghyun had never acknowledged what they were doing so much, never asked for it so clearly, and the please made Jinki's will die as quick as it came. One last time. It hurt more hearing it from Jonghyun than it had when he was the one who had thought it. Instead of thinking about it more though, Jinki wrapped his arms around Jonghyun's waist and hoisted them both up. Jonghyun's legs wrapped around him easily, and Jinki carried him to his bed, the movie completely forgotten by both parties.
Jinki laid them both on the bed slowly so he wouldn't have to pull away too much. Jonghyun was still kissing and sucking on his neck, making the blood rush through Jinki's body so quickly that he almost felt dizzy. The older man pulled back enough to look at Jonghyun, and it suddenly hit him. "You haven't been drinking," he whispered without thinking about it. It was the first time since their first time together that Jonghyun had wanted sex without being at least tipsy. The younger male stared past him for a moment without responding, and then pulled him down for a kiss and Jinki knew it meant that he wouldn't talk about it, so he dropped it. He didn't want to ruin their last time together.
Jinki was almost pleasantly surprised when Jonghyun showed up at their apartment again the very next afternoon. That was until he saw some pretty little twink following after him. He couldn't help but frown at the guy, who blinked at him with an uncertain wariness. Jonghyun didn't act like he noticed as he introduced them. "Jinki this is Taemin, a guy from one of my classes. He lives down the hall from us and he offered to help me move some of my stuff. This is my roommate, Jinki."
The older man felt a little hurt that Jonghyun hadn't asked him for help, but it was quickly quelled by curiosity. He followed the two to Jonghyun's room and watched as the short man started shoving things into a bag.
"Move some of your stuff?" he repeated the statement as a question, wanting more information.
"Yeah," Jonghyun drew out the word as he looked through some books, tossing some aside and then taking the rest to his bag. "Winter break starts next week, but I'm going to leave a little early."
The other guy stood awkwardly to the side and Jinki almost felt bad for him, so he sent him a friendly smile, which was returned with a polite, but short nod. Maybe he wasn't one to get past first impressions. "Oh," was all Jinki could muster in response. He went back out to check on his dinner, and within minutes the two were walking back through the kitchen. Jonghyun had his small bag and the other guy had a big crate that was straining his arms.
"Need any help?"
"We got it," Jonghyun said rather curtly, making Jinki feel flustered and once again, hurt.
"You're leaving now?"
"Yeah."
"When are you coming back?"
"I don't know."
"By the time school starts again, right?"
"Maybe. I don't want to plan too far ahead," with that, Jonghyun walked closer to Jinki, leaning in to kiss his cheek. Jinki felt himself flush a deep shade of red and he pointedly did not look to see if the other guy there was staring at them. "Goodbye, Jinki."
It sounded kind of cryptic, and made Jinki wonder if Jonghyun was planning on moving out. It kind of broke his heart, but at the same time he wondered if it was being done for him. With the other guy there, he couldn't really talk about it. But he would call later, and maybe Jonghyun would be willing to talk more when he got back. "I'll see you later, okay?" Jinki said in return, hopeful.
Jonghyun smiled and nodded. "Yeah, see you before you know it."
That made Jinki feel a little bit better as the two left the apartment together.
The days drug on and life felt pretty normal for Jinki, since Jonghyun was rarely around anyway. It was the day before winter break that Jonghyun called him. He answered with a pleasant hello, happy to hear from the younger man.
"Onew, yah! It's good to hear your voice," Jonghyun sounded happy and full of energy.
It made Jinki wonder what he'd been up to, so he asked. "How is your vacation going so far?"
"It's great,” there was a slight pause before he continued, “Look I have to tell you something, Jinki," the use of his real name immediately caught his attention, making him wonder if it was serious or if Jonghyun had just slipped up.
"Yeah, what is it?"
"I met someone. I didn't know how to say it before, but I'm with him now. He's really great. He's really attractive in a tall, big eyed sort of way. His name's Choi Minho."
As Jonghyun rattled on about this guy, Jinki's mind went blank. A slow, quiet anger filled him, his eyes blurring was the first thing that brought him back to reality, and he heard Jonghyun on the line saying, "Onew? Jinki, are you there?"
"I'm here," he said quietly, afraid of his voice betraying his emotions.
There was silence, then the sound of a door. "Oh, he's here. I'll let him say hello." Jonghyun voice took on the quality of someone talking to another person, his mouth not right on the phone. "Hey. I was just talking on the phone to my best friend, Onew. Here, say hello to him."
A deep voice rang in Jinki's ear suddenly, making him feel a little nauseous. "Hello?"
"Hello," Jinki's voice sounded hollow to his own ears, but he had no idea how it sounded to the other man.
"Oh, it's nice to finally hear your voice. Jonghyun's told me so much about you."
"Oh." Jinki bit his lip hard enough that it hurt. His heart beat loudly in his ears as they strained to hear the continued conversation on the other side of the line.
"Come on. Don't you want to get out of bed now? You can talk later."
"Mmm, okay. Sounds good, but only if you buy me breakfast."
"Oh? I have just the thing in mind. I think you'll love it."
Then there was a rustling sound and Jonghyun was talking into the receiver again. "Onew? I have to go now. I'll call you again later. I hope your winter vacation is a good as mine has been so far. Bye!"
Jinki barely had time to say goodbye before the tone signaled Jonghyun's departure. Jinki gripped his phone tightly in his hand as his shoulders shook, tears finally spilling out the corners of his eyes as he sat there in silence. It was one thing for Jonghyun to sleep around. It was one thing for him to not be able to settle down with one person, and therefore, leave Jinki behind. But to become involved with someone else. To fall for someone else. Jinki heaved forward as a sob rocked his body. Jumping out of his chair, he threw his phone as hard as he could against the opposite wall and watched as it broke and fell to the floor. He'd never been this angry, never felt so betrayed.
After that, Jinki didn't get his phone fixed for a while, still angry at the younger man for hurting him. But even more than angry, he was afraid of hearing that damn Minho again. Just the thought of him made Jinki's stomach twist and an uncontrollable feeling of jealousy ate away at him inside. He couldn't face this yet. He wasn't ready.
The day he finally went to get a new phone, only a week before school would start again, Jinki saw that he had a incredible amount of missed calls and voicemails. He went home before even trying to check them. The first one was from Jonghyun and he skipped it, along with the second, fourth, and eighth. The other early ones were from his mom, but he'd found other ways to speak to her in the last couple of weeks, so he wasn't too worried about it.
The next message was from Key, which was kind of surprising.
Onew? Why aren't you answering your god damn phone? Call me back, okay? It's important.
Then Joon, who was sniffling and muttering incoherent things.
Can't ... Key .. told you yet? ... can't ... isn't fair.
Jinki felt an ever increasing knot of worry forming in his stomach as the next message played, from a number he didn't know.
Hey, this is Taemin from before. I'm coming over this Friday. I wasn‘t sure if you‘d heard and I didn‘t want to show up unannounced.
Nothing told him what happened. Nothing said what was going on, just people rambling incoherent things. Quickly, he called Key, who seemed to be the most sensible choice.
"Onew?"
"What happened? I just got my phone back."
"Oh god. Please tell me you already know."
"I don't know. Everyone just left messages that tell me nothing on my phone!" he couldn't keep the panicked anger out of his voice. He took a breath and sat down, rubbing his forehead. "What happened, Key?"
"It's," Key voice cracked and he coughed as if to mask it before continuing. "It's Jonghyun," he sighed deeply as if he didn't want to continue and Jinki felt every nerve in his body go completely numb, his brain screaming in disbelief at Key's next words. "The service is this weekend. I'll text you the address."
A few days later, Jinki found himself standing in a long, white, morbid looking hallway. Every room looked like a monster about to jump out and attack him. They all seemed to say, 'It was here! It happened here!'
Thankfully, a nurse found him within a few minutes and he was directed to the person he was supposed to meet there. Another nurse, by the name of Taeyeon. She had short brown hair and a nice smile as she walked up to him. "Jinki?" she questioned and he could only nod in response. He was barely keeping himself together. "Wow, you look just like in the pictures. It's good to finally meet the infamous Jinki. I heard a lot about you from Jonghyun."
The name sent waves of pain scorching through his body and he had to reach up to wipe away the tears with his sleeve. He almost wanted to shake the woman for not being sensitive enough to not mention him at all. She looked at him sympathetically before lifting a manila envelope from her clipboard.
"This is for you. I wasn't sure if he really wanted you to have them, but they look like letters and they're all addressed to you. I think even if he was scared to send them, he would have wanted them to find their way to you." she smiled, her eyes misting slightly.
Jinki reached out with a shaking hand and took them from her, staring at them doubtfully. "How do you know he wanted me to have them then?" his voice sounded strained and shaky, but she didn't comment on it.
The nurse led him to some chairs and sat down beside him. Jinki stared down at his hands and tried to control his emotions. Moments later, he looked up and noticed a tall, dark haired doctor walk by. The name on his jacket hit Jinki like a smack in the face. But what the nurse was saying held his attention enough to keep him from dwelling on that too long.
“He was always writing those letters. I never realized how important you were to him until I saw him one night.”
She hadn’t worked with Jonghyun too long before she noticed how often he was writing letters or making calls that were never answered. It made her feel bad for the young man, and one day she asked him about it.
“He won’t answer my calls anymore. I can’t really blame him though.”
That night, he must have gotten the idea to try from a different number. She’d been making her rounds when she noticed his figure bent over the hospital’s pay phone. She moved closer to see who it was when the tone and click to voicemail filled the otherwise silent hallway. He suddenly sank to the floor, his body shaking with unsuppressed cries. She squeezed his shoulders and tried to help him up.
“Come on. Let’s get you back to bed.”
“No!” his raised voice rang loudly in the hallway, and he added more quietly, “One more try. I have enough for one more call.”
She watched as his next attempt met the same result. After that, he let her help him back to his room. “Who were you trying to call? We could get into contact with this person for you.”
“No,” he shook his head and stared ahead. “It’s better this way.”
He left the letters under his pillow, and when she found them, she knew giving them to Jinki was the right thing to do.
It was the next day before Jinki was even willing to look at the letters, as he sat waiting out behind the church. His shaking fingers slowly opened the envelope and pulled them out. Jonghyun's familiar handwriting scribbled onto the front of the first folded paper, 'To Jinki'. He found it difficult not to cry even before he started reading them.
After you left that night, I remember touching my lips, amazed by everything that had just happened. I couldn't stop smiling like an idiot. I didn't even care that something like that would get in the way of becoming a professional singer. At that moment, it couldn't have mattered less to me. I couldn't stop thinking and replaying everything in my mind until I got your text, saying you were home and about to pass out. So, I put on my pajama pants and that big white shirt you left over at my place that once. I wonder if you remember it. I went to get something to drink because I was really thirsty. The last thing I remember about that night was how oddly my heart was beating against my chest, how breathless I felt, and wondering if that was what love did to a person.
A sudden crash woke Jonghyun's parents up. The follow up of a loud thump made his father jump out of bed and grab a lamp, the closest thing to a stick he owned. His mother was out the door faster than he could unplug the stupid thing though, and he cursed before running after her.
"Jonghyun!" she shrieked and he forgot all possibilities of it being dangerous for them. The look of his son lying motionless in his mother's arms, the sound of an ambulance, and the endless waiting at the hospital were the strongest memories he had of that night. Sitting outside of the funeral home, he had told Jinki all about it before thanking him for being such a good friend. It was the most bitter feeling Jinki ever had as he nodded and watched the older man walk away.
I didn't want anyone to know that I was dying. I wanted to be normal, but at the same time I knew I wasn't. I knew that it was more likely than not that I would die before I was old. The doctors and my family told me I should try to continue living as I had before, only with special care to not hurt myself. All I heard then was that my life was over. I thought I would never get a new heart, that we didn't have the money or status to not have to wait through a list of donors that went on forever. I wouldn't be a lucky one. I thought I must have used up all my luck when I met you. That's why I pulled away from you. I was trying to stop you from loving me. I didn't want you to have to carry this burden. I didn't want it to ruin your life too. That's why even now, I'm glad I can't call you. I'm glad you've finally moved on. Only, it hurts so bad to be alone. When every second, the only face I want to see is yours.
The ink was smudged a little, hinting that Jonghyun had cried at some point while writing it. Jinki's hands shook and he laid the paper aside as he wiped the tears away from his face, his body rocking with a sob that he couldn't hold in anymore. The thought of how alone Jonghyun must have felt in his last moments, how alone he might have felt all those years, nearly killed him inside.
A couple of days later, Jinki found himself sitting beside Kibum, or Key, the guy who had so willingly taken over as manager for their band. "He changed after you left. Suddenly he stopped playing around as much. No one really knew what had happened. Some said he secretly had a girlfriend, or a boyfriend. I knew he didn't though." Key took a long drag of his cigarette and pressed his eyes against his palm, sniffing to keep the emotions inside. "I couldn't ever understand why he did the things he did, but I knew it had something to do with you. It was always obvious to me that he loved you, that he was both fighting to keep you while simultaneously pushing you away. I just wish," his voice broke a little and he took a deep breath before starting again, "I just wish I would have tried to find out more. I wish any of us would have actually tried to understand him. But we didn't."
Putting out his cigarette on the bench they'd decided to meet at, Key stood and gave Jinki a long, piercing gaze. "I can only pray that in his last moments he knew how much you loved him too, how much we all loved him," with that, he turned and walked away, leaving Jinki to stare off into the distance, every word eating away at his brain, replaying over and over and over.
It gets harder to do much of anything. I'm just so tired. Ah, but then I'm just complaining again. Do you remember that night, when you started smoking and I got upset? I wanted to say I'm sorry. I know you never understood why I acted the way I did, and I know I screwed everything up. After you left I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop wanting you, needing you. I didn't want you to hurt yourself. I wanted you to continue toward your dream because I could no longer have mine. I'll never be a singer, and I'll never have you.
The words from the letter rang out in his head and before he realized it, a tear had dripped onto his hand. He blinked and wiped away the remains from his face. No matter how loud he screamed, it wouldn't matter, a dark feeling of defeat settling in his stomach. He could never tell Jonghyun that he was wrong, that he already did have him. He always had, from the moment they'd met, right when he looked into those deep brown, puppy eyes. Right when he'd seen that big, goofy smile directed only at him, Jinki had been completely taken.
It was late in the evening when Jinki went home, feeling completely broken and numb from all the crying he‘d done in the past couple of days. It wasn't that he even thought about being ashamed of crying in front of all those people. It wasn't something he could control, or that he even cared to try. Something like that didn't matter now, not now.
Stepping back into his apartment was like torture. Every single inch of it reminded him of something they'd done, some memory he had of them together. Before he could even shut the door, another sob wracked through his body. He managed to get it closed and locked with shaking hands. Several steps in had him in the middle of the living room. He stared at the couch, a place where they'd spent a lot of time hanging out together, the place where he should have seen all of it coming. He should have known something was wrong, that Jonghyun's odd behavior wasn't some character flaw because it had never really made sense.
Suddenly, everything seemed to sink in, and the reality of the situation hit him like a brick. Dropping the letters, Jinki fell to his knees, burying his face in his hands and letting himself fall forward against the floor. A deep, wail met his ears and it almost surprised him for a second that it came from him, but he was far too lost in his grief to care.
"AAAGGGHHH!" he screamed, digging his hand covered face against the floor as he shook with all the emotions that hadn't had the chance to come out yet. He screamed again, and then whined loudly in defeat. "Why? Why? Why?" he repeated like a mantra until he lost count of how many times he'd said it.
"It can't be real. IT CAN'T BE REAL!" he yelled, sitting up and staring ahead of him with anger, like the wall in front of him was to blame. His eyes burned red. "He can't be gone," his voice cracked around the last word and the hot tears ran faster. "Jonghyun, please. Please come back. Please, just give me another chance." He quickly stumbled to the other man's door and tried to force it open. It had been locked, and it took several animalistic slams of his own body into it to break it open. Breathing heavily, his shoulder aching, Jinki stumbled into the room and collapsed on the other man's bed.
"Jonghyun," he cried, burying his head into the pillow that only faintly smelled like his friend. "Please, you can't leave me like this. Not like this. Please," bitterness raced through him, like a cold dagger of self-hatred stabbing at his heart. If only he had gotten his phone fixed sooner. If only he had been there. The thought of Jonghyun being so alone, needing him ate away at him, making him writhe in an emotional agony so strong that it felt physically painful. "Please, just give me one more chance."
His begging didn't stop for several hours into the night, but his crying slowed and the gaps of silence increased as exhaustion overtook him.
They're going to hook me up to a machine. I've heard all kinds of things that might happen. The medicine's not working so well anymore. They're going to do surgery on me in the morning. I'm so scared. They said it doesn't look good. I could go into a coma, I could die on the operating table. I guess this is it, huh? They don't have a heart for me, Jinki. Ah, let me tell you a story. Back when they first diagnosed me, they said there was a good possibility that without a new heart, I wouldn't live past 20. My birthday's in a couple of months, Jinki. I always hoped I would prove them wrong, even just a little, but now I think that's impossible.
Will you do something for me? Will you celebrate my birthday for me, if I'm not here? Have a lot of fun, okay? If you ever read these. It's okay if you don't. I just want to be alive, even a little, on that day.
In the end, my resolution has failed. Being so close to dying, my priorities seem to have become very selfish. I just keep feeling like I'm so afraid that I'll die and you'll never know the real me. It makes me so sad, and I hate the thought of you looking back on me in that way, because of the things I've done. I just wanted to protect you, but ultimately I'm not that strong. Now, all I want is to see you smile at me, to know that I'll always be important to you. Like you are to me. And that leads me to my final thought. I have to say it in case I never get the chance. I never liked or dated another person. Minho was just my doctor. Jinki, now and forever, there was never anyone else. I always loved you.