Journal entries written while I was away..
Lots to read!
August 16
The cable is out, so I'm unable to get online until we can get it back on. Hopefully it wont last for over a week. I'm freaking out, I have no way to let A. know that I am alright or anything until I am able to make it to the library to at least send him an email. I feel so lost and can only keep reminding myself that I am loved by a wonderful man that is probably wondering where I am at. I'm going to try to send him a letter by snail mail. Afraid to call without permission, but I may just have to do so if this goes on too long. I don't want him to think that I have just up and vanished on him, I would never do anything like that. I love A. and this ache at not being able to contact him online is just tearing at me.
August 18
I miss A, it's soo difficult not to be able to hear his voice or talk to him online. I sent him a letter via snail mail which I hope he gets soon so that he knows that I'm alright.
At work, I was sitting alone out on the deck during lunch break and someone approached me, sat down, introduced himself and we had a good talk about life in general. Nothing extraordinary, except that this man has the same first name as A. does. I think I actually stared at him for a moment, when he introduced himself to me. Perhaps it was a sign to let me know that I am in A's thoughts as much as he is in mine.
I miss him...terribly.
August 20
Tense night walking home from work, a few little groups of people were out and I had to make a detour to avoid them. Not the safest neighborhood in the area. I broke down in tears last night and Sarah and Shawn immediately came in to see what was wrong. I guess I'm just really lonely right now, they've been busy doing their own thing, which is fine. Usually I have A. and the others to talk to during these times, but I am still unable to get online. It's tearing me up inside. Sarah had me call A last night, but it was late, and though I tried to argue the point with her, she insisted for my own emotional well being. It was a short call, he was heading to bed.I couldn't help it, Sarah and Crystal had gone out and didn't return home until 1 am. I am not sure if A. understood what I was trying to convey to him and hopefully he will have gotten my letter in the mail by now.
Another week to go at least..before cable is back on. That's a very long week to me...a very long week without contact with everyone.
Apart"
"Always With Me"
As I stand looking out to sea,
feeling the breeze ruffling my hair,
the breeze becomes your fingers
touching me everywhere.
As I walk along the shore,
feeling the sun, warm on my face,
the sun becomes your breath
kissing me with just a trace
of sadness that we must be
so far apart, across the miles,
but feeling your breath on my lips
can only bring smiles.
As I listen to a beautiful love song,
wonderful sounds falling on my ears,
the music becomes your voice
whispering words only a lover hears.
As the soft beams of moonlight
filter through my window shade,
the moonlight becomes your presence
in dreams my heart has made.
In all things that I do or feel,
whether during the night or the day,
I feel you beside me, my love,
forever and Day.....
~Author Unknown to me
August 21
I am sooo bored and getting really restless without being able to contact A. Wish that we had a phone at home so that I didn't have to wait until Sarah or Crys was home in order to be able to call or be called. But that will be another month before that happens. Sarah and I had a really good talk last night and went over some issues and resolved a bit. We're going to try to move my computer into my room to give me a bit more privacy. This is going to take some time though and rearranging to do so. She asked some questions regarding A to assure herself that I am safe with him. She looks forward to meeting him, of course as she is basically protecting me at this point, she wants to assure my safety.
I wonder if A got my letter and if he's thinking of me. Missing me as much as I am missing him right now. We are planning on having a friends' Thanksgiving, and I'm going to invite A and puddles down. Hope that they can come.
Welp, back to sorting through files and discs, a task that has been long in waiting to be finished. At least I am able to use my time offline constructively, when not at work and doing chores.
August 22
While I am offline, I am going to be writing some quotes and describe what they mean to me.
"Love means never doubting anything. It means trusting and being honest with each other."
Source Unknown
This quote holds alot of meaning for me. Trust and honesty are huge issues to me in a relationship. The former relationship ended, because the dishonesty of my ex had caused a breach of trust and I could not in good conscience, remain with him.
Trust takes time to build and to nurture, something that A has been working on since we began talking. I can say in complete honesty that I trust him with all of my heart. Do I have fears? Naturally. I fear being hurt, but I know that he would never do so intentionally. I fear losing him as he has come to be a very big part of my life. But I also know that he loves me as I love him and he is an honorable man that would never toss me away like some others have done.
Love means trust, it means being honest with those that you love. It is something that my mothers have ingrained deep within me and something that I hold high upon priorities. I love A and trust him very..very much. And in this, I have found peace that was missing for so very long.
"Time may take us apart, that's true, but I will always be there for you. You're in my heart, you'll be in my dreams, no matter the miles between."
Submitted by Brittany
Being far apart from A is difficult at times and I yearn for his presence. But, I also have learned to be patient, things worth having are worth waiting for, and working on. Though he is not here with me, physically, my heart is with him and I am comforted that even when absent from each other, I can be sure that he is thinking of me. Long distance relationships are difficult and can be heartbreaking. I actually had at one point said I would never have one again. But, A found his way in, and he's made his presence known in all things. The best way to describe it is a song that I have come to love, "I'm already there"
"Somewhere there is someone that dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence life is worthwhile, so when you are lonely remember it's true, someone somewhere is dreaming of you."
Though I am unable to be online with him right now, I know that his thoughts are with me. And I know that he will be there when I am able to return to his loving guidance. In the meantime, I will remember and reflect upon myself as an individual, and what he would expect of me while out of contact. This quote comforts me, and helps me to continue on, knowing that I am never far from his thoughts.
August 23
"When it hurts to look back and your scared to look ahead you can look beside you and your best friend will be there."
"True friends are never forgotten, they live within our hearts and souls.... forever , and always , dancing on our stage of memories."
-Shawn
Friends mean alot to me and I have met some very dear friends both offline and online. Some that are in not in the lifestyle and many that are. Each has contributed to my growth as a person. Each holds a special place in my heart and memories that will forever be dear to me.
Sometimes I wonder if they realize just how important they are in my life. And though at times I may be out of touch, they are always in my heart and thoughts. Some, I have lost contact with and though I have tried desperately to find them, I have failed. It is an emptiness that remains with me to this day.
When things went from bad to worse, with my ex. You all stuck with me. When I had to learn the hard way and slowly realize that things couldn't remain as they were any longer, my friends were there to help me pick up the pieces and continue on. I've learned alot from my friends, I've learned that there is no shame in who I am, I have learned to love myself, and I have learned that sometimes, I can break out of the shy mode and live again. This doesn't mean that I am any different, I'm still quiet. Even my roommates have commented that I am quiet and sometimes they have to check to see if I am even here. People at work have also commented that I am very quiet and not one to speak alot. I have always been the quiet one, usually not speaking unless spoken to. Of course, I do have my times when I have something to say and start talking up a storm.
As frightened as I was to make the leap back into single life, into the always frightening journey of discovering myself, learning my worth and that I had not failed, but had been failed, I could always look to the side of me and see my friends there, standing at my side.
Thank you to all of you for being such loving, supportive and wonderful friends to me.
August 25
I spoke to A on the phone tonight. He never recieved my letters and stated that he had no way to contact me. He had come to a decision due to the distance between us, me in New Orleans, he in California..we are now just friends. He said that it was due to the long distance, that he didn't want to keep me from being happy or close my opportunities of finding someone closeby. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I am hurt, and feeling empty inside. Though we remain friends as always, I had opened my heart to him and was gently let down. A little self doubt has entered but I will try to keep my chin up. Sarah sat down with me and listened as I cried and spoke to her, she doesn't understand much of my lifestyle, but she understands the hurt and does understand that I am feeling very lonely right now. Still not sure when we will be able to get back online, but until then, I at least have a phone to call when need be. Richard and I spoke to, and he backed up what Sarah and willo had stated and also what I know is true within my heart. That A was wise to let me go as he did. That it wasn't a reflection upon myself but of his caring enough to see to it that I am able to grow and be happy. I understand that, so why wont the tears stop falling?
August 25
I know that they say that tears are supposed to cleanse us, but I'm getting weary of them. I am missing home, I'm missing Seattle and my family up there. I love Sarah and the rest, but this isn't home. I can't just up and leave though, obligation holds me here for at least a little while longer. I know that part of it is the hurt I am feeling over being released and I need to get past that. It was done with my best interests taken into consideration, but I took my submission, my heart more seriously than to just up and toss my feeling aside. It was probably too soon, the wounds still there and now surfacing and tearing me apart. I've been failed by a former and now Agerath has stepped away. I feel so lost and unsure of this crossroads that I am staring at. Where do I go from here? When did life become so complicated? Through my tears I'm reaching out, but can anyone feel me? Please let me find the strength that resides within and help me to guard my heart. Help me to find myself again..
August 27
The sadness and sense of loss is still very much present. And I am experiencing some depression, but I am calmer now. He made a decision in the best interests of both of us, and I need to respect his decision. He is wiser than me and I know that he did this because he cares and not because he is shoving me away. I'm fighting some severe homesickness right now, but I am duty bound to stay at the hospital for at least a year if I can manage it. Besides, it will give me good job experience for when I am able to return home to Seattle. Things are really tough here right now in the financial department, but I have faith they will get better. Even if I have to take on another job part time to give myself that extra cushion so that I can save up some money and be better prepared when I get home. I miss the kids, and I know that they are having a rough time as well. I can only hope that things will get better for all of us soon.
Maybe, someday things will be better, maybe I'll be close enough when I return home, to be able to be with A again. Only time will tell. Until then, I'll keep working on my own growth and embrace the community down here. They aren't my family in Seattle, but perhaps, I'll be able to find some happiness. It also gives me a chance to get to know some old friends that I haven't met yet, which live over on this side of the country.
It's all about time and patience, but patience has never been easy for me. Guess that even this old dog can learn some new tricks, eh?
September 2nd
I've been working ..ALOT lately, while Matt is busy trying to get the internet back on for us. Crystal and Sarah seem to be handling it fine, but I need contact with A and everyone else. I've spent some time talking to A and some to Richard, on the phone, and asked pat tay to pass on my number to A to ensure that he gets it this time. I'm lonely and struggling with homesickness. We went out for Sarah's birthday and that was fun for a bit, but then I asked Crystal to take me home because I wasn't feeling well. I've never been much of a drinker and didn't like the feeling of being even a little drunk.
My co workers keep teasing me about being so quiet. They say that I barely speak, which is true, I'm busy concentrating on my work. I've never been a loud person, only occasionally will someone find me in that mood and only when I know them well enough to be so.
Seems that another hurricane is heading to Florida so Richard is making preparations to get things in order before it hits. He's been alot of help and a constant source of support, as always, through all of this. Shawn said something about smokes while I was talking to Richard on the phone and he immediately grasped it and gave me a stern talking to. Asking me just what I was doing smoking, as I had been attempting to quit. I didn't have an answer for him, so lecture city ensued lol. But then he began to chuckle and in his normal manner, scolded me and let it drop. He knows that I will quit when I am ready to do so, but right now, I'm concentrating on the weight.
Which is going VERY well. I actually fit into my old scrubs, which were a size large instead of a extra large.This may still seem a bit large, but it's about an 18 which is ALOT better than a 24! I am excited about this and it has increased my drive to exercise and eat right. Perhaps, finally I am on the road to reclaiming myself.
From God's Arms, To My Arms, To Your's
This poem was based on the writings of a young birth mother, whom she shared with songwriter Michael McClean. It was also set to music and comes with a 100% guarantee that no one who has been involved with adoption in any way will make it all the way through with dry eyes!
FROM GOD'S ARMS, TO MY ARMS, TO YOURS
So many wrong decisions in my past, I'm not quite sure
If I can ever hope to trust my judgement anymore.
But lately I've been thinking,
Cause it's all I've had to do.
And in my heart I feel that I
Should give this child to you.
And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before, By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.
If you choose to tell him,
If he wants to know,
How the one who gave him life
Could bear to let him go.
Just tell him there were sleepless nights,
I prayed and paced the floors,
And knew the only peace I'd find,
Was if this child was yours.
And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before,
By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.
This may not be the answer,
For another girl like me.
But I'm not on a soapbox,
Saying how we all should be.
I'm just trusting in my feelings,
And I'm trusting God above,
And I'm trusting you can give this baby
Both his mothers' love.
And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before,
By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.
This song touches me in many ways. Mostly because I am a reunited adoptee, and also a birth mother of two children that I will probably not see until they are of age and able to come find me. I miss Kevin and Brittanie terribly, but I know that they are doing well and secure. It hurts that the witch of a grandmother of theirs can't see past her own foolish pride to let my children and I be in contact. It's all about control with her and she knows that at this time, I am unable to fight her in a lengthy, expensive custody battle.
A Birth Mothers Song
Originally Posted By Laura E. Berry
A Birth Mothers Song
Fragments of memory
of years gone by
The pain, the sorrow
A tear in my eye
The day long ago
I walked away
An ache in my heart
I wanted to stay
A Mothers love
It never ends
A broken heart
That never mends
We will meet some day
You and I
How sad the day
I said good bye
Sept 2nd
Got the van going again and drove it to work. Baaaaaad mistake, as the parking around the hospital is horrible. After looking for a place to park for a half of an hour, and being now late to work, I just gave up and parked in the garage. I wont be driving to work again unless it's on a night that I have to be home faster than usual. But, those are few and far between and the exercise that I get from walking does me good. Start working out at the gym on Monday, I can't wait.
Rules For Being Human
You will receive one body.
You may like it or hate it,
but it will be yours
for the entire time you're here.
You will learn lessons.
You are enrolled in a full-time
informal school called life.
Each day in this school you will have the
opportunity to learn the lessons.
You may like the lessons or think them
irrelevant and stupid.
There are no mistakes, only lessons.
Growth is a process of trial and error,
and experimentation.
The failed experiments
are as much a part
of the process
as the experiment
that ultimately works.
A lesson is repeated until learned.
A lesson will be presented to you
in various forms
until you have learned it.
When you have learned it,
you can then go on
to the next lesson.
Learning lessons does not end.
There is no part of life
that does not contain its lessons.
If you are alive,
there are lessons to be learned.
There is no better a place than here.
When your "there"
has become a "here",
you will simply obtain
another "there"
that will again look better than "here".
Others are merely mirrors of you.
You can not love or hate
something about another person
unless it reflects to you something
you love or hate about yourself.
What you make of
your life is up to you.
You have all the tools
and resources you need.
What you do with them
is up to you.
The choice is yours.
Your answers lie inside you.
The answers to life's questions
lie inside you.
All you need to do is look,
listen, and trust.
~Author Unknown~
A True Look At Life
Life can seem ungrateful ~ and not always kind...
Life can pull at your heartstrings ~ and play with your mind...
Life can be blissful ~ and happy and free...
Life can put beauty ~ in the things that you see ...
Life can place challenges ~ right at your feet...
Life can make good ~ of the hardships we meet...
Life can overwhelm you ~ and make your head spin...
Life can reward those ~ determined to win...
Life can be hurtful ~ and not always fair...
Life can surround you ~ with people who care ...
Life clearly does offer ~ its Up and its Downs...
Life's days can bring you ~ both smiles and frowns...
Life teaches us to take ~ the good with the bad...
Life is a mixture ~ of happy and sad...
SO... Take the Life that you have ~ and give it your best...
Think positive be happy ~ let God do the rest...
Take the challenges that life ~ has laid at your feet...
Take pride and be thankful ~ for each one you meet...
To yourself give forgiveness ~ if you stumble and fall...
Take each day that is dealt you ~ and give it your all...
Take the love that you're given ~ and return it with care...
Have faith that when needed ~ it will always be there...
Take time to find the beauty ~ in the things that you see...
Take life's simple pleasures ~ let them set your heart free...
The idea here is simply ~ to even the score
As you are met and faced with ~ Life's Tug of War.
~Author Unknown~
THE ABC'S OF EX LOVERS
A is for the automobile which he doesn't own.
B is also for brain, which was located between his legs.
C is for the commitment that was never there.
D is for the dildo he didn't know I had.
E is for ego. His was bigger than a hot air balloon.
F is for his faithfulness, as long as there wasn't something or someone better to do.
G is also for the spot he could never find!
H is for laughter (HA! HA!) the last sound he heard from me as he was walking out the door.
I is for impotent which is what I told everyone he was.
J is for jugular, the one I'd love to sever.
K is for kinky, he always started without me.
L is for love in most cases, but exceptions have been made, L is for LOSER in this case, along with LUSH and LITTLE DICK.
M is for MAN. Has anyone been able to find one? Have you ever met one? Do you know where any are?
N is for the narcotics. He drove me past alcohol.
O is for the orgasms he thought he made me have.
P is for PAYBACKS. Remember they are HELL!
Q is for queer. I sometimes wonder if he is.
R is for the hopeless romantic he said he was. He was half right. He was hopeless, not to mention worthless.
S is also for satisfied, which he rarely made me feel.
T is for typical. Typical little boy playing at being a man.
U is also for the ugly girl he is dating now.
V is for the voodoo doll I made of him.
W is for wife, the one he said he didn't have.
X is what he is to me now!!!!
Y is for WHY the hell did I ever get involved with him.
Z isn't for anything, just like him, he ain't anything either.
August 16
The cable is out, so I'm unable to get online until we can get it back on. Hopefully it wont last for over a week. I'm freaking out, I have no way to let A. know that I am alright or anything until I am able to make it to the library to at least send him an email. I feel so lost and can only keep reminding myself that I am loved by a wonderful man that is probably wondering where I am at. I'm going to try to send him a letter by snail mail. Afraid to call without permission, but I may just have to do so if this goes on too long. I don't want him to think that I have just up and vanished on him, I would never do anything like that. I love A. and this ache at not being able to contact him online is just tearing at me.
August 18
I miss A, it's soo difficult not to be able to hear his voice or talk to him online. I sent him a letter via snail mail which I hope he gets soon so that he knows that I'm alright.
At work, I was sitting alone out on the deck during lunch break and someone approached me, sat down, introduced himself and we had a good talk about life in general. Nothing extraordinary, except that this man has the same first name as A. does. I think I actually stared at him for a moment, when he introduced himself to me. Perhaps it was a sign to let me know that I am in A's thoughts as much as he is in mine.
I miss him...terribly.
August 20
Tense night walking home from work, a few little groups of people were out and I had to make a detour to avoid them. Not the safest neighborhood in the area. I broke down in tears last night and Sarah and Shawn immediately came in to see what was wrong. I guess I'm just really lonely right now, they've been busy doing their own thing, which is fine. Usually I have A. and the others to talk to during these times, but I am still unable to get online. It's tearing me up inside. Sarah had me call A last night, but it was late, and though I tried to argue the point with her, she insisted for my own emotional well being. It was a short call, he was heading to bed.I couldn't help it, Sarah and Crystal had gone out and didn't return home until 1 am. I am not sure if A. understood what I was trying to convey to him and hopefully he will have gotten my letter in the mail by now.
Another week to go at least..before cable is back on. That's a very long week to me...a very long week without contact with everyone.
Apart"
"Always With Me"
As I stand looking out to sea,
feeling the breeze ruffling my hair,
the breeze becomes your fingers
touching me everywhere.
As I walk along the shore,
feeling the sun, warm on my face,
the sun becomes your breath
kissing me with just a trace
of sadness that we must be
so far apart, across the miles,
but feeling your breath on my lips
can only bring smiles.
As I listen to a beautiful love song,
wonderful sounds falling on my ears,
the music becomes your voice
whispering words only a lover hears.
As the soft beams of moonlight
filter through my window shade,
the moonlight becomes your presence
in dreams my heart has made.
In all things that I do or feel,
whether during the night or the day,
I feel you beside me, my love,
forever and Day.....
~Author Unknown to me
August 21
I am sooo bored and getting really restless without being able to contact A. Wish that we had a phone at home so that I didn't have to wait until Sarah or Crys was home in order to be able to call or be called. But that will be another month before that happens. Sarah and I had a really good talk last night and went over some issues and resolved a bit. We're going to try to move my computer into my room to give me a bit more privacy. This is going to take some time though and rearranging to do so. She asked some questions regarding A to assure herself that I am safe with him. She looks forward to meeting him, of course as she is basically protecting me at this point, she wants to assure my safety.
I wonder if A got my letter and if he's thinking of me. Missing me as much as I am missing him right now. We are planning on having a friends' Thanksgiving, and I'm going to invite A and puddles down. Hope that they can come.
Welp, back to sorting through files and discs, a task that has been long in waiting to be finished. At least I am able to use my time offline constructively, when not at work and doing chores.
August 22
While I am offline, I am going to be writing some quotes and describe what they mean to me.
"Love means never doubting anything. It means trusting and being honest with each other."
Source Unknown
This quote holds alot of meaning for me. Trust and honesty are huge issues to me in a relationship. The former relationship ended, because the dishonesty of my ex had caused a breach of trust and I could not in good conscience, remain with him.
Trust takes time to build and to nurture, something that A has been working on since we began talking. I can say in complete honesty that I trust him with all of my heart. Do I have fears? Naturally. I fear being hurt, but I know that he would never do so intentionally. I fear losing him as he has come to be a very big part of my life. But I also know that he loves me as I love him and he is an honorable man that would never toss me away like some others have done.
Love means trust, it means being honest with those that you love. It is something that my mothers have ingrained deep within me and something that I hold high upon priorities. I love A and trust him very..very much. And in this, I have found peace that was missing for so very long.
"Time may take us apart, that's true, but I will always be there for you. You're in my heart, you'll be in my dreams, no matter the miles between."
Submitted by Brittany
Being far apart from A is difficult at times and I yearn for his presence. But, I also have learned to be patient, things worth having are worth waiting for, and working on. Though he is not here with me, physically, my heart is with him and I am comforted that even when absent from each other, I can be sure that he is thinking of me. Long distance relationships are difficult and can be heartbreaking. I actually had at one point said I would never have one again. But, A found his way in, and he's made his presence known in all things. The best way to describe it is a song that I have come to love, "I'm already there"
"Somewhere there is someone that dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence life is worthwhile, so when you are lonely remember it's true, someone somewhere is dreaming of you."
Though I am unable to be online with him right now, I know that his thoughts are with me. And I know that he will be there when I am able to return to his loving guidance. In the meantime, I will remember and reflect upon myself as an individual, and what he would expect of me while out of contact. This quote comforts me, and helps me to continue on, knowing that I am never far from his thoughts.
August 23
"When it hurts to look back and your scared to look ahead you can look beside you and your best friend will be there."
"True friends are never forgotten, they live within our hearts and souls.... forever , and always , dancing on our stage of memories."
-Shawn
Friends mean alot to me and I have met some very dear friends both offline and online. Some that are in not in the lifestyle and many that are. Each has contributed to my growth as a person. Each holds a special place in my heart and memories that will forever be dear to me.
Sometimes I wonder if they realize just how important they are in my life. And though at times I may be out of touch, they are always in my heart and thoughts. Some, I have lost contact with and though I have tried desperately to find them, I have failed. It is an emptiness that remains with me to this day.
When things went from bad to worse, with my ex. You all stuck with me. When I had to learn the hard way and slowly realize that things couldn't remain as they were any longer, my friends were there to help me pick up the pieces and continue on. I've learned alot from my friends, I've learned that there is no shame in who I am, I have learned to love myself, and I have learned that sometimes, I can break out of the shy mode and live again. This doesn't mean that I am any different, I'm still quiet. Even my roommates have commented that I am quiet and sometimes they have to check to see if I am even here. People at work have also commented that I am very quiet and not one to speak alot. I have always been the quiet one, usually not speaking unless spoken to. Of course, I do have my times when I have something to say and start talking up a storm.
As frightened as I was to make the leap back into single life, into the always frightening journey of discovering myself, learning my worth and that I had not failed, but had been failed, I could always look to the side of me and see my friends there, standing at my side.
Thank you to all of you for being such loving, supportive and wonderful friends to me.
August 25
I spoke to A on the phone tonight. He never recieved my letters and stated that he had no way to contact me. He had come to a decision due to the distance between us, me in New Orleans, he in California..we are now just friends. He said that it was due to the long distance, that he didn't want to keep me from being happy or close my opportunities of finding someone closeby. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I am hurt, and feeling empty inside. Though we remain friends as always, I had opened my heart to him and was gently let down. A little self doubt has entered but I will try to keep my chin up. Sarah sat down with me and listened as I cried and spoke to her, she doesn't understand much of my lifestyle, but she understands the hurt and does understand that I am feeling very lonely right now. Still not sure when we will be able to get back online, but until then, I at least have a phone to call when need be. Richard and I spoke to, and he backed up what Sarah and willo had stated and also what I know is true within my heart. That A was wise to let me go as he did. That it wasn't a reflection upon myself but of his caring enough to see to it that I am able to grow and be happy. I understand that, so why wont the tears stop falling?
August 25
I know that they say that tears are supposed to cleanse us, but I'm getting weary of them. I am missing home, I'm missing Seattle and my family up there. I love Sarah and the rest, but this isn't home. I can't just up and leave though, obligation holds me here for at least a little while longer. I know that part of it is the hurt I am feeling over being released and I need to get past that. It was done with my best interests taken into consideration, but I took my submission, my heart more seriously than to just up and toss my feeling aside. It was probably too soon, the wounds still there and now surfacing and tearing me apart. I've been failed by a former and now Agerath has stepped away. I feel so lost and unsure of this crossroads that I am staring at. Where do I go from here? When did life become so complicated? Through my tears I'm reaching out, but can anyone feel me? Please let me find the strength that resides within and help me to guard my heart. Help me to find myself again..
August 27
The sadness and sense of loss is still very much present. And I am experiencing some depression, but I am calmer now. He made a decision in the best interests of both of us, and I need to respect his decision. He is wiser than me and I know that he did this because he cares and not because he is shoving me away. I'm fighting some severe homesickness right now, but I am duty bound to stay at the hospital for at least a year if I can manage it. Besides, it will give me good job experience for when I am able to return home to Seattle. Things are really tough here right now in the financial department, but I have faith they will get better. Even if I have to take on another job part time to give myself that extra cushion so that I can save up some money and be better prepared when I get home. I miss the kids, and I know that they are having a rough time as well. I can only hope that things will get better for all of us soon.
Maybe, someday things will be better, maybe I'll be close enough when I return home, to be able to be with A again. Only time will tell. Until then, I'll keep working on my own growth and embrace the community down here. They aren't my family in Seattle, but perhaps, I'll be able to find some happiness. It also gives me a chance to get to know some old friends that I haven't met yet, which live over on this side of the country.
It's all about time and patience, but patience has never been easy for me. Guess that even this old dog can learn some new tricks, eh?
September 2nd
I've been working ..ALOT lately, while Matt is busy trying to get the internet back on for us. Crystal and Sarah seem to be handling it fine, but I need contact with A and everyone else. I've spent some time talking to A and some to Richard, on the phone, and asked pat tay to pass on my number to A to ensure that he gets it this time. I'm lonely and struggling with homesickness. We went out for Sarah's birthday and that was fun for a bit, but then I asked Crystal to take me home because I wasn't feeling well. I've never been much of a drinker and didn't like the feeling of being even a little drunk.
My co workers keep teasing me about being so quiet. They say that I barely speak, which is true, I'm busy concentrating on my work. I've never been a loud person, only occasionally will someone find me in that mood and only when I know them well enough to be so.
Seems that another hurricane is heading to Florida so Richard is making preparations to get things in order before it hits. He's been alot of help and a constant source of support, as always, through all of this. Shawn said something about smokes while I was talking to Richard on the phone and he immediately grasped it and gave me a stern talking to. Asking me just what I was doing smoking, as I had been attempting to quit. I didn't have an answer for him, so lecture city ensued lol. But then he began to chuckle and in his normal manner, scolded me and let it drop. He knows that I will quit when I am ready to do so, but right now, I'm concentrating on the weight.
Which is going VERY well. I actually fit into my old scrubs, which were a size large instead of a extra large.This may still seem a bit large, but it's about an 18 which is ALOT better than a 24! I am excited about this and it has increased my drive to exercise and eat right. Perhaps, finally I am on the road to reclaiming myself.
From God's Arms, To My Arms, To Your's
This poem was based on the writings of a young birth mother, whom she shared with songwriter Michael McClean. It was also set to music and comes with a 100% guarantee that no one who has been involved with adoption in any way will make it all the way through with dry eyes!
FROM GOD'S ARMS, TO MY ARMS, TO YOURS
So many wrong decisions in my past, I'm not quite sure
If I can ever hope to trust my judgement anymore.
But lately I've been thinking,
Cause it's all I've had to do.
And in my heart I feel that I
Should give this child to you.
And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before, By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.
If you choose to tell him,
If he wants to know,
How the one who gave him life
Could bear to let him go.
Just tell him there were sleepless nights,
I prayed and paced the floors,
And knew the only peace I'd find,
Was if this child was yours.
And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before,
By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.
This may not be the answer,
For another girl like me.
But I'm not on a soapbox,
Saying how we all should be.
I'm just trusting in my feelings,
And I'm trusting God above,
And I'm trusting you can give this baby
Both his mothers' love.
And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before,
By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.
This song touches me in many ways. Mostly because I am a reunited adoptee, and also a birth mother of two children that I will probably not see until they are of age and able to come find me. I miss Kevin and Brittanie terribly, but I know that they are doing well and secure. It hurts that the witch of a grandmother of theirs can't see past her own foolish pride to let my children and I be in contact. It's all about control with her and she knows that at this time, I am unable to fight her in a lengthy, expensive custody battle.
A Birth Mothers Song
Originally Posted By Laura E. Berry
A Birth Mothers Song
Fragments of memory
of years gone by
The pain, the sorrow
A tear in my eye
The day long ago
I walked away
An ache in my heart
I wanted to stay
A Mothers love
It never ends
A broken heart
That never mends
We will meet some day
You and I
How sad the day
I said good bye
Sept 2nd
Got the van going again and drove it to work. Baaaaaad mistake, as the parking around the hospital is horrible. After looking for a place to park for a half of an hour, and being now late to work, I just gave up and parked in the garage. I wont be driving to work again unless it's on a night that I have to be home faster than usual. But, those are few and far between and the exercise that I get from walking does me good. Start working out at the gym on Monday, I can't wait.
Rules For Being Human
You will receive one body.
You may like it or hate it,
but it will be yours
for the entire time you're here.
You will learn lessons.
You are enrolled in a full-time
informal school called life.
Each day in this school you will have the
opportunity to learn the lessons.
You may like the lessons or think them
irrelevant and stupid.
There are no mistakes, only lessons.
Growth is a process of trial and error,
and experimentation.
The failed experiments
are as much a part
of the process
as the experiment
that ultimately works.
A lesson is repeated until learned.
A lesson will be presented to you
in various forms
until you have learned it.
When you have learned it,
you can then go on
to the next lesson.
Learning lessons does not end.
There is no part of life
that does not contain its lessons.
If you are alive,
there are lessons to be learned.
There is no better a place than here.
When your "there"
has become a "here",
you will simply obtain
another "there"
that will again look better than "here".
Others are merely mirrors of you.
You can not love or hate
something about another person
unless it reflects to you something
you love or hate about yourself.
What you make of
your life is up to you.
You have all the tools
and resources you need.
What you do with them
is up to you.
The choice is yours.
Your answers lie inside you.
The answers to life's questions
lie inside you.
All you need to do is look,
listen, and trust.
~Author Unknown~
A True Look At Life
Life can seem ungrateful ~ and not always kind...
Life can pull at your heartstrings ~ and play with your mind...
Life can be blissful ~ and happy and free...
Life can put beauty ~ in the things that you see ...
Life can place challenges ~ right at your feet...
Life can make good ~ of the hardships we meet...
Life can overwhelm you ~ and make your head spin...
Life can reward those ~ determined to win...
Life can be hurtful ~ and not always fair...
Life can surround you ~ with people who care ...
Life clearly does offer ~ its Up and its Downs...
Life's days can bring you ~ both smiles and frowns...
Life teaches us to take ~ the good with the bad...
Life is a mixture ~ of happy and sad...
SO... Take the Life that you have ~ and give it your best...
Think positive be happy ~ let God do the rest...
Take the challenges that life ~ has laid at your feet...
Take pride and be thankful ~ for each one you meet...
To yourself give forgiveness ~ if you stumble and fall...
Take each day that is dealt you ~ and give it your all...
Take the love that you're given ~ and return it with care...
Have faith that when needed ~ it will always be there...
Take time to find the beauty ~ in the things that you see...
Take life's simple pleasures ~ let them set your heart free...
The idea here is simply ~ to even the score
As you are met and faced with ~ Life's Tug of War.
~Author Unknown~
THE ABC'S OF EX LOVERS
A is for the automobile which he doesn't own.
B is also for brain, which was located between his legs.
C is for the commitment that was never there.
D is for the dildo he didn't know I had.
E is for ego. His was bigger than a hot air balloon.
F is for his faithfulness, as long as there wasn't something or someone better to do.
G is also for the spot he could never find!
H is for laughter (HA! HA!) the last sound he heard from me as he was walking out the door.
I is for impotent which is what I told everyone he was.
J is for jugular, the one I'd love to sever.
K is for kinky, he always started without me.
L is for love in most cases, but exceptions have been made, L is for LOSER in this case, along with LUSH and LITTLE DICK.
M is for MAN. Has anyone been able to find one? Have you ever met one? Do you know where any are?
N is for the narcotics. He drove me past alcohol.
O is for the orgasms he thought he made me have.
P is for PAYBACKS. Remember they are HELL!
Q is for queer. I sometimes wonder if he is.
R is for the hopeless romantic he said he was. He was half right. He was hopeless, not to mention worthless.
S is also for satisfied, which he rarely made me feel.
T is for typical. Typical little boy playing at being a man.
U is also for the ugly girl he is dating now.
V is for the voodoo doll I made of him.
W is for wife, the one he said he didn't have.
X is what he is to me now!!!!
Y is for WHY the hell did I ever get involved with him.
Z isn't for anything, just like him, he ain't anything either.