Five idols, ten fairy tales, one retarded story

[masuhisa]

Title: Five idols, ten fairy tales, one retarded story

Author: Masuhisa

Pairing: Arashi/Arashi

Summary: Nino doesn’t believe in fairy tales. But one day, he gets zapped into the fairy tale world.

Disclaimer: I am high. Common sense not guaranteed.

NOTE: Read at your own risk (of getting brain damage due to retardedness) I don’t really expect you to get to the end. If you do, congratulations.



“Aiba-chan,” sighed Nino, “how many times do I have to tell you? That house made of candy and chocolate isn’t real! Hansel and Gretel isn’t real! None of those stupid fairytales are real!”

“But, Nino” insisted Aiba, “The house made of candy and chocolate is real!” Pointing at the open book, Aiba cried, “Look it’s right here!”

“It’s a stupid story, Aiba!” yelled Nino, getting very annoyed.

“No, it isn’t!” shrieked Aiba, stomping out of the room, “You have no imagination!” cried Aiba, slamming the door shut.

Nino ran a hand through his hair and sighed. Aiba can be a total idiot sometimes, everybody knows that fairy tales aren’t real. Laughing at Aiba’s stupidity, Nino laid on the couch, planning to take a nap before their shooting for VS Arashi later.

Snuggling into the soft, plump cushions, Nino shut his eyes tight and drifted off to sleep…

“Nino!” cried a voice which sounded so familiar, “Nino! Wake up! Please wake up!”

In his head, Nino started planning the best way to kill the person who had just woken him up from his precious sleep. Unwillingly, he opened his eyes and found Ohno looking at him. So it was Ohno huh? He scratched him off his ‘to kill’ list.

“Oh-chan?” asked Nino sleepily, “What’s up?”

“Nino, Massu and Tegoshi are going to get rid of us!” sobbed Ohno, burying his head into Nino’s shirt, “They are planning to dump us in the middle of the forest as they don’t have enough food to feed us all!”

Nino looked at the crying Ohno, puzzled. What in the world was Ohno talking about? What does Massu and Tegoshi from NEWS have to do with them?

“Oh-chan,” sighed Nino, feeling very grumpy, “I’ve no time for your jokes,”

“Nino, this is not a joke!” snivelled Ohno, looking rather hurt, “they really do plan to get rid of us!”

Before Nino could reply, the door opened to reveal Tegoshi, smiling in a way which sent shivers down Nino’s spine.

“Nino, Ohno, are you guys ready?” asked Tegoshi in a voice so sweet it sounded fake, “we have to go chop firewood in the forest,”

Nino saw Ohno’s eyes widen in fear. Nino scratched his head, no clue what was going on. Why do they need to go chop fire wood? This is the twenty first century! They had radiators for goodness sake!

Tegoshi rolled his eyes upon seeing that Nino and Ohno refused to budge. Going over to the both of them, Tegoshi pulled them out of the room to a living room where Massu was waiting with an axe in hand.

“Are you ready to go?” he asked, sadness apparent in his voice.

“Let’s go, Massu!” cheered Tegoshi.

The four of them exited the place, which turns out to be a small cottage by a forest. Nino was extremely confused as to what was going on. He pinched himself, and yelped in pain. Looks like it wasn’t a dream.

Massu and Tegoshi were walking in front, Ohno behind him sobbing. Being Nino, he was about to go to Ohno and give him a big comforting hug, when he felt something heavy in his pocket. Peering inside the pocket of his jeans, Nino found a fish in there. Raising his eyes at the fish, Nino wondered how it got there.

Suddenly, an idea popped into his head. If what Ohno said was true, Massu and Tegoshi were really going to leave them in the forest, he could leave a trail with the fishes so that they can guide themselves back. Feeing extremely smug at his own brilliantness, Nino reached into his pocket and dropped the fish on the ground.

Surprisingly, no matter how many fishes he left behind, there would always be some more in his pocket.

“Nino, Ohno” began Tegoshi, addressing the both of them, “Wait there while Massu and I go chop firewood,”

With that said, Tegomass walked off into the forest, leaving Ohmiya behind. The pair waited around, Ohno doodling in the soil with a stick while Nino practiced some magic tricks with a deck of cards he found in his pocket.

Soon, night fell, but there was no sign of Tegomass.

“I told you they were leaving us behind,” sighed Ohno, sitting by a tree while hugging his knees to his body as he wallowed in a puddle of self-pity.

“Don’t worry, Oh-chan!” said Nino arrogantly, “I, the genius Ninomiya Kazunari, had left a trail of fishes for us to follow back home!”

“Trail of fishes?” repeated Ohno.

Nino stared at his companion, “Don’t tell me…”

“And I thought it was my lucky day,” whined Ohno, producing the fishes which Nino had left behind from his pocket.

Nino wanted to face-palm, but knowing that it won’t help their situation and would probably make him loss several thousand brain cells, he decided to grab Ohno’s hand and lead them out of the forest.

After what felt like centuries of walking, Ohmiya still couldn’t come to the end of the forest.

“We’re doomed!” yelled Nino in anguish, falling to the ground rather dramatically, “Goodbye, DS. Goodbye, playsation, goodbye WII console,”

Ignoring Nino bidding his games farewell, Ohno put his nose in the air as he though he smelt something cooking.

“Cha-han!” he cried, dashing off in the direction where the smell came from.

“Oh-chan! Wait for me!” yelled Nino, getting up from the ground and chasing after Ohno.

The pair came to a little cottage made out of fishes in the middle of the forest, smoking coming out from the chimney together with the delicious scent of fried rice.

“Fish and cha-han!” cried Ohno happily as he ran into the cottage.

Ohno flung the door open, wanting to look for the fried rice, but all he saw was a spiky haired man dressed in a black robe hovering over a pot, muttering strange words, “I, Kato Shigeaki, will be the smartness person in the whole world!”

“Oh-chan, come back,” pleaded Nino in between pants as he caught up with Ohno.

The strange man, Shige, turned around and spotted Ohmiya standing by the door, looking at him in an extremely peculiar manner.

“You!” cried Shige, pointing at the both of them, “Now you know my about my secret lab, I’ll have to take you prisoners!”

Muttering some more random words, gold dust fell over Nino and Ohno.

“Ha ha ha!” laughed Shige evilly, “You’re now my slaves!”

~A week later~

Nino rolled his eyes at Shige’s nerd-ness while sweeping the man’s cottage. It has been a week since they were taken prisoners by this Shige person, and Nino was sick of doing the man’s chores for him. Looking at Ohno, who was busy cooking lunch, Nino wondered if they would ever get out.

“Oi, Nino!” called Shige, “Go collect my mails!”

Grumbling under his breath, Nino went to the mailbox and pulled out whatever that was inside. It was the usual law stuff that Shige was studying, nothing interesting. He was about to go back inside when something caught his eye.

In the middle of the stack was a golden envelope that glittered like the sun. It was as if Nino was under a spell as he slowly reached out and opened the envelope. Inside, was a letter addressed to him and Ohno.

Dear Ohmiya SK,

You are invited to Prince Sakurai Sho’s ball tonight at seven.

Yours truly,

The person who wrote this.

PS: Do not tell Shige. He’s too nerd to be invited.

Before Nino could even hide the letter, Shige appeared out of nowhere and snatched it from his hand. After reading it, he yelped in fury, “I’m not invited?!” turning to Nino, he added, “Since I can’t go, you two are not going either!”

Shige mumbled some curse words and Nino found himself in the basement of the cottage, Ohno already there.

“Hi, Nino!”

“Oh-chan! Have you heard? We’re invited to a ball, but that stupid Shige won’t let us go! I want to go to the ball!”

Luck was on their side that day, for the moment those words left Nino’s mouth, a cloud of white smoke appeared. Out of the smoke flew someone dressed in a hot pink suit, coughing. Once the smoke cleared, he stopped and noticed Ohno and Nino.

“Hi! I’m Yamapi, at your service!”

“Are you supposed to be our fairy god father?” asked Ohno, looking at the flying man in awe.

“No, I’m your fairy god idol!” cried Yamapi as confetti fell all over him, “anyway, the script says I have to get you two to the ball. What are we waiting for?”

Yamapi whipped out a pink wand from nowhere and swished it. In the blink of an eye, Shige’s wooden basement was replaced with stone walls.

“Yamapi, where are we?” asked Nino hesitantly as he looked at his surroundings.

“Good question…Never mind, I’ll just use my magic to get us out of here,” with that said, Yamapi pulled out his wand again. However, this time, before Yamapi could swish it, it broke into two.

“No!” wailed Yamapi over his broken wand, “that stupid Toma must have been playing with my wand!”

“Now what?” asked Ohno, looking at the so-called fairy god idol doubtfully.

“I…” began Yamapi, but the ringing of his phone cut him off, “Hello?” he said into the phone, “Oh! I completely forgot!” He replaced the phone in his pocket and turned to Ohmiya, “Sorry, filming for Ashita no Joe is about to start, I have to go. Bye!”

Yet another cloud of smoke appeared, engulfing Yamapi who started to cough again. When the smoke cleared, Yamapi had disappeared.

“Now what do we do?” Ohno asked Nino, hoping the younger man would have some smart idea.

Suddenly, Ohmiya heard a cry for help coming from somewhere up ahead. Looking at each other, they nodded and jogged of in the direction of the sound.

“Nobody’s going to save you,” sneered an evil voice.

Ohmiya turned around a corner and found Sho locked in a cage, Nishikido Ryo standing beside him laughing.

“Let Sho go!” bellowed Nino at Ryo.

“On one condition,” said Ryo, folding his arms across his chest, “If you can guess my name, I’ll let him go. But if you guess wrongly, I’ll take the prince’s kid,”

“Ok,” said Sho from inside the cage.

Nino grinned devilishly, knowing that it was going to be an easy win, “Your name is ‘Ryo’,”

Ryo’s face turned livid, “You’re wrong! It’s Nishikido!” Turning to Sho, Ryo demanded that he hand his child over.

“I don’t have any children,” said Sho simply.

After cursing for a whole minute, Ryo spat, “Fine! Then I’ll take him instead!”

Grabbing Nino, Ryo uttered some words and the both of them disappeared into thin air before Ohno or Sho could react.

~At a tall tower~

Nino landed on the ground with a loud thud as he groaned while rubbing his injured knee.

“From now on, you’re my slave,” said Ryo happily, rubbing his hands together in glee, “this super, extremely, tremendously, exceptionally tall tower has no doors, only a window, so there’s no way you can escape!”

“Aiba!” called Ryo. Aiba came running in. “Make sure Nino doesn’t try anything stupid,” instructed Ryo before poof-ing away.

~Several days later~

Nino leaned out of the window as he sighed for the thousandth time that day. Being locked up in a super, extremely, tremendously, exceptionally tall tower with only Aiba for company was probably the worst thing that has ever happened to him. The latter was going on and on about the different zoos around the world he had visited, making Nino wish he were deaf.

“Someone put me out of my misery,” wailed Nino, banging his head on the window still.

His call for help was answered, but not by the person Nino wanted, but who cares?

“Nino, get down here!” yelled Ryo from the bottom of the tower.

“How?” Nino shouted back.

Quicker than a clap of thunder, Nino was brought to where Ryo was. Ryo handed a picnic basket to Nino, “Bring this to the obaa-chan who lives in the woods,”

Nino took the basket and walked off, planning to run away.

“If you dare run, I’ll kill Aiba,” threatened Ryo.

Nino frowned. Even though Aiba had been annoying, he was a good friend, so there goes Nino’s plan to escape.

After walking though the forest for ages, Nino heard a bush rustle and turned out of instinct. Sticking out of the green leaves were a pair of grey ears.

“I can see you,” said Nino, “come out,”

Hesitantly, the figure appeared. It was a wolf, at least it looked like a wolf to Nino, other than the fact that the wolf had Koyama’s face.

“Koyama?”

“Give me your basket or I’ll huff and puff and blow your house down!” cried the wolf.

Nino rolled his eyes, “for starters, I’m not in a house, and secondly, you’re in the wrong scene,”

The wolf scratched his head, clearly embarrassed, “I’ll be back,” he said before disappearing.

Nino then continued on his journey to the obaa-san’s cottage. In about two minutes, he could smell cookies baking and a minute later, he saw a quaint little cottage surrounded by a rickety fence.

“Obaa-san!” Nino called out once he opened the door.

“Obaa-san?!” shrieked a voice.

Jun came flying out of the kitchen, face red in anger and smoke coming out of his ears, “I am the great Matsumoto Jun!” screeched Jun, “If you dare call me obaa-san again, Ninomiya, I’ll make you regret it,”

Nino stared at Jun.

“Can you climb walls?” he asked after a long pause.

“Even better than spider man,” came the reply.

“Good, come with me,”

The two exited the cottage, leaving behind the picnic basket and the smell of baking cookies.

For some unknown reason, they got back to the tower in half the time that Nino took to get to the cottage. Weird.

“Can you help me rescue Aiba up there?” asked Nino.

Jun nodded and prepared to scale the wall, when Ryo appeared out of nowhere, “What do you think you’re doing?” he demanded.

“Rescuing Aiba up there,” replied Jun.

Ryo approached the two. He gave Jun a good look before retreating back in shock, “You…You’re Matsumoto Jun! OMG you’re even hotter in person,” With that said, Ryo fainted and his body disappeared.

Jun raised and eyebrow and was about to climb the tower when he was stopped a second time.

“Am I in the right scene?” asked Koyama, walking up to the two.

They nodded

“Give me your basket or I’ll huff and puff and blow your house down,” yelled Koyama.

Yelping, Nino and Jun flew up the tower and hid with Aiba under the bed. They heard Koyama drawing his breath, getting ready to blow the tower down and they trembled even more.

Then, a huge gust of wind came, and before they knew it, all three of them were on the grass, and tower just a tiny dot in the sky.

“We have to hide!” cried Aiba, waving his arms in the air.

“We can go to my cottage,” suggested Jun. With their destination in mind, all three of the sped off, completely missing the ten thousand fans that Koyama had placed in front of the tower.

Once they got there, all three went to hide in the kitchen. They managed to get there before Koyama did due to the ten thousand fans which he had to load into a truck, and was passing the time by eating Jun’s cookies.

When the last cookie was gone, they heard Koyama yell, “give me your picnic basket or I’ll huff and puff and blow your house down!”

“Over my dead NDS!” Nino shouted back, hoping he looked cool.

Like the last time, a huge gust of wind came and Jun’s house was soaring with the birds, while the three laid on the grass.

“Why are we on the grass when we were inside the house?” asked Aiba, looking extremely puzzled.

“Now’s not the time! We have to find somewhere else to hide!”

“The castle! He won’t be able to blow down the castle!”

The three of them never ran so fast in their lives as they ran for the castle. The moment they got through and the doors slammed shut, Jun and Aiba leaned against the walls, while Nino pounced onto a certain some body with spiky hair and sleepy eyes.

“Oh-chan!” cried Nino in delight as he hugged the older man to death, while giving his butt a good squeeze.

“Nino…I can’t breathe,” Ohno choked out.

Not wanting his best buddy to die, Nino released him and took a good look at Ohno, wanting to make up for the days he hadn’t see the other man.

Nino swore his eyes nearly fell out of their sockets.

“Oh-chan! What happened to your nose?!” asked Nino worriedly, glancing at Ohno’s extremely long nose.

Sho came up to Nino and explained, “One day a witch appeared at the door and gave Ohno a poisonous fish, if he lies, his nose will grow,”

“Oh-chan can’t have a nose like this!” cried Nino in rage, “we have to get it cured!”

“I know this powerful wizard who lives in the land of JE,” said Sho smartly.

Aiba and Jun trotted over, not wanting to be left out.

“How do we get there?” asked Jun, “the author of this purposely destroyed all the boats!”

“We can use Gilliweed!” suggested Aiba, proud at his idea.

“This is not Harry Potter, you idiot,” snapped Nino.

Silence fell in the room as four minds churned, trying to find an answer. The fifth one was busy thinking about fishing.

“Can’t we cheat?” asked Jun after a while, “it’s not like the readers know we can’t breathe underwater,”

The rest nodded at Jun’s suggestion and made a beeline for the beach.

“I hate the beach,” whined Nino, clutching his stomach.

A head popped out of the sea, “Did you say you hate the sea?” the figure asked, frowning slightly at Nino, who was sticking out his tongue at it.

“Who are you?” asked Sho.

“I’m Akanishi Jin, a mer-johnny,” introduced Jin, “I can give you tails so that you can swim across, but one of you will lose your voice,”

“I hope it’s Aiba,” said Nino.

Jin took it that they agreed and began chanting. A huge cloud of smoke appeared and the next thing they knew, all five of them were in the water, their legs replaced by a tail.

“I’m half-fish!” cried Ohno, hugging his blue tail.

Nino looked like he was going to be sick.

“Let’s go to the Land of JE!” said Sho, leading the way since he was the smart-ass of the group and actually knew what he was doing.

The rest ‘hmmed’ in approval, except for Jun who made some strangling noises.

“Jun lost his voice!” screamed Nino, taking delight at the taller man’s plight.

Jun made more weird strangling noises.

Thankfully, they reached the other end of the sea without Nino and Jun fighting and off they went to look for the wizard of JE.

“We’re supposed to follow the pink brick path,” said Sho, recalling what he had read.

“This place is scary,” whispered Aiba, “everything is pink,”

“I’m no longer half-fish,” pouted Ohno.

Soon enough, they reached a castle which displayed a huge sign board which read, “Johnny’s Jimusho,”

Taking a deep breath, Sho pushed the door open.

“Who dares disturb Johnny H Kitagawa?!” thundered a voice.

All five of them looked up and found Johnny-san sitting on a throne looking at them with annoyance written all over his face.

“Please, Johnny-san, we need your help,” said Sho, “Ohno here is cursed,” and when Jun gave him a death glare, he hastily added, “and Jun lost his voice,”

Johnny-san rubbed his forehead, “Fine,” muttering something, Ohno’s nose shank back to its original size and Jun screamed in delight when his voice returned.

“One more thing,” said Sho slowly, “Can you teleport us back? We don’t want any of us losing our voice…”

Johnny-san looked like he was going to bang his head against a wall as he sighed in defeat, “if it means getting rid of all of you,”

Like before, Johnny-san mumbled a spell, and a cloud of pink smoke surrounded them. Nino felt as if his senses were going haywire. The last thing he heard before everything blacking out around him was Johnny-san saying, “Whoops, that was the wrong spell……..”

Jolting up, Nino glanced at his surroundings - it was their green room. He sighed in relief. So it was all a dream? He sighed again, thanking heavens that he was back in reality. Getting up from the sofa, Nino was about to open the door to head to the toilet when he saw Ohno at the door.

Pointing a shaking finger at the older man, Nino asked in a quivering voice, “Why…why….why is your nose still long?”

Note: That’s it! That was retarded-ly fun wasn’t it?