31_days fanfic: Now with even more Fuyutsuki meditations...
I get the feeling that Fuyutsuki is a very contemplative sort of man, and this fic is no exception (can't you tell I love getting inside his head?). Today's prompt was made for the unrequited pairing of the wintry gentleman and his student...
Title: "Curse Missed Opportunities"
Day/Theme: Sept 16) miss you quite terribly
Series: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Character/Pairing: Fuyutsuki/Yui, mentions of Gendo Ikari, Shinji Ikari and an OFC
Rating: PG-13
Author's Note: Takes place during Episode 15. As I've been working on the ambitious NGE project, I've been rewatching the series and mulling over the timeline of events as presented on the EvaGeeks Wiki, I've also been trying to nail down a date for Yui's... passing (for lack of a better word for it). Based on the chronology of the main timeframe, it would appear to be sometime in September... which leaves me tempted to tag September 16th as the date.
Title shamelessly stolen from Coldplay's "Clocks", which I was playing in rotation with tracks from the "Day of Second Impact" compilation.
September 16th, three days after the anniversary of Second Impact. Two tragedies that happened four years apart. One wiped half of humanity off the face of the earth, reduced Antarctica to a lifeless rock in the middle of a red sea of death, and knocked the planet off its axis. The other tore from this life a brilliant young mind, an eminent scientist, a dedicated colleague and a beloved wife and mother.
Fuyutsuki had been a spectator to the exchange between Gendo and his son at NERV's cemetery north-east of Tokyo-3, the first time the pair had met in this spot in three years. The thought had crossed his mind, later, as the Commander and he were en-route to another interminable meeting with a UN committee, that the visit should have been done a little more formally, not just as a side-trip. But they both had busy schedules: it was almost by sheer luck they managed to fit that in, and it was a bit hypocritical of him to think this way. He didn't exactly make the time to visit the grave, himself, though in his case, he declined out of propriety. Yui might have been his brightest student and most engaging colleague, but he would not want anyone to suspect he thought of her as anything more than that.
It was not until very late in the evening, close to midnight, when Fuyutsuki sat alone in his apartment in the GeoFront, writing in his journal with a cup of tea and a bottle of sake within reach, that the memories and all the accumulated emotional baggage that came with them came sliding out of the corner of his psyche where he kept them carefully packed away.
Eleven years had done nothing to diminish the sense of emptiness Yui had left behind, but there was that sense she was never far away, either. The funeral held on the shore of Lake Ashinoko, where she had been fond of walking with her family, had been mostly for show: the urn that would be buried held no ashes. He had read a carefully composed eulogy, honoring Yui Ikari as a former student, assistant and colleague, but this masked the words he had wanted to say.
In the past, he had consoled himself with the tidy thought that, "At least she vanished from this world while she was working on a project she believed in with every fiber of her intellect and soul." But now, so many years later, those words seemed to ring hollow in his mind. If she had known what GEHIRN would devolve into when it became NERV and if she had had the foresight to imagine how hard Gendo would take her passing, would she have attempted the contact experiment herself? Or did she have reasons he, for all his wisdom and knowledge and experience, could not fathom? Or was it something more sinister? Was she running from something?
He caught himself wondering, for the hundred-thousandth time, what could have happened if he had been a little more forthright with Yui, if he had tried harder to win her affections? Would she have accepted his overtures? Would he have filled the place in her life which was taken by the then Gendo Rokubungi? Would Shinji have been his son instead of Gendo's? But he knew, even if he had, she would have turned him down; she might have been a friendly, warmhearted young woman, but he knew from the beginning that she never looked at him as anything more than a colleague and a good friend. There had been a time, at a spring party when he had one or two more than he should have and a mischievous student, who'd detected the mixed signals passed between them, had picked up on this.
"Ooh, trying to get your courage up, old man?"
"No, it's-it's nothing like that, Noburu... we all have our moments of weakness..."
"Aw, give it a try; you know what they say: he who hesitates is damned."
"That may be so, but no man who considers himself a gentleman tries to converse with a young lady when he's in his cups..."
He sighed and pushed aside the journal, reaching for the shot glass that stood next to the bottle of sake, half-filled the glass before rising and going to the window which looked out over the underground gardens. For a moment, the practical part of his mind considered his schedule for the morning that lay on the other side of this lonely night: Miss Valiant had promised another completed translation and transliteration, and he found himself anticipating that; her presentations had an honesty and simplicity that reminded him of Yui's openness and warmth. You would have found her interesting, Yui: she has a drive and a refreshing innocence much like yours, and while she is an expert in her field, she never lets herself become pretentious or too smart to continue to learn more...
He took a sip from the glass, and redirected his thoughts to the missed opportunities that had slipped through his fingers like water. Whatever Yui had seen in Gendo, she had not seen it in him. Was his interest in her obvious enough to cause her to turn him aside? Or was there something in Gendo that her eyes could see, some crack in the armor plating around the man's heart which she had gazed through to look upon something no one else could not find?
Perhaps it was for the best. Perhaps if it had been him who had practically torn open the hatch of the containment pod linked to the future Eva Unit 01, to find Yui gone, except for a puddle of orange fluid, perhaps he would be the one shutting the rest of the world out as thoroughly as Gendo had. Goodness knew, since he found young children irritating, he would have made no better a father than Gendo was to Shinji, though perhaps he could have done something to ease the blow: sending the boy off to live with a succession of distant and estranged relatives and teachers was no way to find a foster home for a child who had lost his mother so abruptly and horribly.
He sighed and emptied the glass, turning away from the window to set it on the table. Go to bed, old man: it's late and you'll be of little use to anyone without your sleep, he thought, chiding himself.
And yet a small voice replied to this, Even with an empty bed, you still won't be sleeping alone: she'll be in your thoughts and dreams, even if you never had her in your waking life. Why not find someone with her qualities? You're not getting any younger.
Cursing under his breath, he pushed these thoughts aside and headed for the bedroom.
Title: "Curse Missed Opportunities"
Day/Theme: Sept 16) miss you quite terribly
Series: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Character/Pairing: Fuyutsuki/Yui, mentions of Gendo Ikari, Shinji Ikari and an OFC
Rating: PG-13
Author's Note: Takes place during Episode 15. As I've been working on the ambitious NGE project, I've been rewatching the series and mulling over the timeline of events as presented on the EvaGeeks Wiki, I've also been trying to nail down a date for Yui's... passing (for lack of a better word for it). Based on the chronology of the main timeframe, it would appear to be sometime in September... which leaves me tempted to tag September 16th as the date.
Title shamelessly stolen from Coldplay's "Clocks", which I was playing in rotation with tracks from the "Day of Second Impact" compilation.
September 16th, three days after the anniversary of Second Impact. Two tragedies that happened four years apart. One wiped half of humanity off the face of the earth, reduced Antarctica to a lifeless rock in the middle of a red sea of death, and knocked the planet off its axis. The other tore from this life a brilliant young mind, an eminent scientist, a dedicated colleague and a beloved wife and mother.
Fuyutsuki had been a spectator to the exchange between Gendo and his son at NERV's cemetery north-east of Tokyo-3, the first time the pair had met in this spot in three years. The thought had crossed his mind, later, as the Commander and he were en-route to another interminable meeting with a UN committee, that the visit should have been done a little more formally, not just as a side-trip. But they both had busy schedules: it was almost by sheer luck they managed to fit that in, and it was a bit hypocritical of him to think this way. He didn't exactly make the time to visit the grave, himself, though in his case, he declined out of propriety. Yui might have been his brightest student and most engaging colleague, but he would not want anyone to suspect he thought of her as anything more than that.
It was not until very late in the evening, close to midnight, when Fuyutsuki sat alone in his apartment in the GeoFront, writing in his journal with a cup of tea and a bottle of sake within reach, that the memories and all the accumulated emotional baggage that came with them came sliding out of the corner of his psyche where he kept them carefully packed away.
Eleven years had done nothing to diminish the sense of emptiness Yui had left behind, but there was that sense she was never far away, either. The funeral held on the shore of Lake Ashinoko, where she had been fond of walking with her family, had been mostly for show: the urn that would be buried held no ashes. He had read a carefully composed eulogy, honoring Yui Ikari as a former student, assistant and colleague, but this masked the words he had wanted to say.
In the past, he had consoled himself with the tidy thought that, "At least she vanished from this world while she was working on a project she believed in with every fiber of her intellect and soul." But now, so many years later, those words seemed to ring hollow in his mind. If she had known what GEHIRN would devolve into when it became NERV and if she had had the foresight to imagine how hard Gendo would take her passing, would she have attempted the contact experiment herself? Or did she have reasons he, for all his wisdom and knowledge and experience, could not fathom? Or was it something more sinister? Was she running from something?
He caught himself wondering, for the hundred-thousandth time, what could have happened if he had been a little more forthright with Yui, if he had tried harder to win her affections? Would she have accepted his overtures? Would he have filled the place in her life which was taken by the then Gendo Rokubungi? Would Shinji have been his son instead of Gendo's? But he knew, even if he had, she would have turned him down; she might have been a friendly, warmhearted young woman, but he knew from the beginning that she never looked at him as anything more than a colleague and a good friend. There had been a time, at a spring party when he had one or two more than he should have and a mischievous student, who'd detected the mixed signals passed between them, had picked up on this.
"Ooh, trying to get your courage up, old man?"
"No, it's-it's nothing like that, Noburu... we all have our moments of weakness..."
"Aw, give it a try; you know what they say: he who hesitates is damned."
"That may be so, but no man who considers himself a gentleman tries to converse with a young lady when he's in his cups..."
He sighed and pushed aside the journal, reaching for the shot glass that stood next to the bottle of sake, half-filled the glass before rising and going to the window which looked out over the underground gardens. For a moment, the practical part of his mind considered his schedule for the morning that lay on the other side of this lonely night: Miss Valiant had promised another completed translation and transliteration, and he found himself anticipating that; her presentations had an honesty and simplicity that reminded him of Yui's openness and warmth. You would have found her interesting, Yui: she has a drive and a refreshing innocence much like yours, and while she is an expert in her field, she never lets herself become pretentious or too smart to continue to learn more...
He took a sip from the glass, and redirected his thoughts to the missed opportunities that had slipped through his fingers like water. Whatever Yui had seen in Gendo, she had not seen it in him. Was his interest in her obvious enough to cause her to turn him aside? Or was there something in Gendo that her eyes could see, some crack in the armor plating around the man's heart which she had gazed through to look upon something no one else could not find?
Perhaps it was for the best. Perhaps if it had been him who had practically torn open the hatch of the containment pod linked to the future Eva Unit 01, to find Yui gone, except for a puddle of orange fluid, perhaps he would be the one shutting the rest of the world out as thoroughly as Gendo had. Goodness knew, since he found young children irritating, he would have made no better a father than Gendo was to Shinji, though perhaps he could have done something to ease the blow: sending the boy off to live with a succession of distant and estranged relatives and teachers was no way to find a foster home for a child who had lost his mother so abruptly and horribly.
He sighed and emptied the glass, turning away from the window to set it on the table. Go to bed, old man: it's late and you'll be of little use to anyone without your sleep, he thought, chiding himself.
And yet a small voice replied to this, Even with an empty bed, you still won't be sleeping alone: she'll be in your thoughts and dreams, even if you never had her in your waking life. Why not find someone with her qualities? You're not getting any younger.
Cursing under his breath, he pushed these thoughts aside and headed for the bedroom.