In your heart (chapter 6)
Title: In your heart
Author: MatsuAurore
Beta: Andreja1989 thank you <3
Pairings: Ohmiya, Junba (slight)
Rating: NC-17 for this chapter
Genre: Au, fantasy, drama, angst, romance, fluff
Disclaimer: Bad for me, only own the plot T.T warning, mention of rape.
Summary: Two pasts, two painful stories. They are the same but yet so different. Nino, a big arrogant idol and Ohno a kind and shy amazing dancer. They live their lives but when Ohno meets the younger, the sleepy man will discover Nino’s dark past that the idol wanted to forget. One day Nino gets stuck in Ohno’s mind and he discovers that maybe the dancer is the only person who can really understand his pain. Maybe Ohno’s eternal sleepy smile hides a dark secret.
Chapter 6: The pain
"You can cry, I'm here for you." Nino whispered while tears rolled down Ohno's cheeks.
The sleepy man closed his eyes, painfully. It was the first time he talked about his past to someone. Pain crossed his heart and at the same time, a weight left his body. Nino repeated kind words to him again and again. Sharing his grief with someone who understood him made him feel better.
"I know I'm not good at comforting someone but I know what true love is..." Nino whispered.
"When your life depened on your lover..." Ohno began.
"When you always want to be with him..." Nino continued.
"When his happiness becomes more important than your own..." Ohno added.
"When you start to see with your lover's eyes and not with yours..." Nino finished.
They stayed silent for some minutes, the silence was talking for them; both were sharing the same feelings. They were two lost souls which tried to overcome their sadness and to forget their devils. They were two broken hearts which tried to find happiness and liberty, but nobody could really understand them. Now, they could only count on each other to find the savior of their lives.
A smile appeared on Ohno's face through his tears, yes, now, he could try to move on.
"Thank you, I feel better. Oyasumi, Nino-chan." Ohno whispered.
"You're welcome, oyasumi, Oh-chan." Nino smiled.
****
The day after, Ohno felt Nino was elsewhere. Was it because of the previous night?
"Nino?"
"Hun?"
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing." Nino replied.
"Liar. I know you, you have a problem, tell me, don't you trust me now?"
"I'm more afraid of your reaction." Nino mumbled.
"Eh?"
"Why do you keep this tight bracelet on your left wrist all the time?"
Ohno looked at his wrist and didn't answer. Nino could feel the fear and the shame invading his heart. Why did the dancer feel like that? Ohno sighed, yesterday, he promised to himself to trust Nino and to try to move on, he couldn't betray that, even if it meant he will suffer. Taking a deep breath, Ohno took his bracelet off and Nino screamed when he saw his wrist. There was a big and deep scar.
Ohno sat on the floor and explained. When Sho left him, it was horrible, his world was broken, he couldn't breathe normally. Everything around him was grey and sad, when he came back in his apartment, it was empty, his eyes were empty, that's why he kept Sho's belongings, to fill in this gap. He couldn't accept Sho's death, he was everything for him, he was his world, his sky, his oxygen. But Sho was Jun's brother and he knew they were very close, Jun had suffered a lot with his death too and Ohno didn't want to bother him or make him suffer even more with his own pain.
That's why, he tried to bear his death alone, showing fake smiles in front of his friends, saying everything was all right and that they didn't have to be worry. But one year later, on Sho's birthday, he made a mistake. He was alone in his apartment and his grief was unbelievable. It was the first birthday he didn't spend with his lover and everything around him seemed dark and blurred. There were flashes of memories, flashes of Sho, flashes of their life together, flashes of their laughs. Ohno was seeing Sho smiling at him and saying "I love you", he could feel Sho's lips on his, on his neck, his hands stroking his body, his breath in his ear, but when Ohno opened his eyes, Sho had disappeared and there were only the pictures of them on the walls. Tears rolled down his pale cheeks and he understood. He understood he couldn't live without Sho, his life had no meaning if his lover wasn't here, he had lost his reason to live, the light of his life.
On the table in the kitchen, there was this knife. He thought it was the only way to escape from his pain, to find Sho. Just with this knife, just one cut and all would be over. He took it and after a while, cut his wrist. His heart was so broken that he even couldn't feel the pain from the knife. He felt the life leaving his body, the blood rolling down his arm and he smiled. Soon everything will be over. Soon, he could find Sho and smell his scent. The feeling was strange, as if he was very tired. Heclosed his eyes, knowing it was the end, whispering "I love you, Sho, wait for me" again and again and when he opened his eyes, he was at the hospital with Jun who cried while holding his hand and repeating, "I'm sorry, Satoshi, I'm sorry". Ohno had this scar since this day.
Nino was shocked. He couldn't say anything. He would never think Ohno could do that. Now, he understood why Ohno had tried to help him at their first meeting. He knew more than no one else what the younger felt. Ohno sighed and put his bracelet on his scar again. None of them spoke.
"It was the biggest mistake of my life, that day, I didn't think rationally. When I think about it, there is just regret. Regret harming myself, regret for worrying others and making Jun and Masaki cry and also regret disappointing Sho." Ohno whispered."And you think he would see you destroying yourself like that? You think he would want you to stop dancing and singing? You think he would see you live through his memory?" Nino snapped, angry about the truth and sad about Ohno's suffering.
"I knew you will judge me." Ohno sighed. "You don't understand."
"I don't understand?!!! Are you serious or really stupid?! I'm the only person who can understand you because I feel the same. For three years, I destroy myself, I destroy Toma's life and everything Yu has built with me. But you made me understand one thing, Oh-chan. You made me understand that Yusuke is dead and that he'll never come back despite all my wishes and my efforts. He is dead, like Sho-san. You can't live in his memory for the rest of your life, you said you don't want to bother and make your best friend suffer? You believe he is happier with this attitude? You believe he likes if you stop your passion, for making fake smiles and saying you were okay? Are you stupid? He is your best friend, he knows this attitude is a lie, he knows you don't succeed to overcome your pain and you know why? Because he feels the same and because he knows you more than no one else. You're so naïve if you think you can lie to him!" Nino yelled very angry this time.
Ohno froze, too shocked to say something. Nino's words were like a slap, a big slap that threw reality right in his face.
"Thank you but I don't want beautiful advices from someone who is unable to follow his own ideas." Ohno replied, annoyed.
"Maybe, but I understand now and when I'll come back in my body, I'll try everything I can to change my life and to stop destroying myself like that, Yusuke wouldn't want that, he would be unhappy if he saw me like that." Nino said.
Ohno frowned. He knew Nino was right, he knew all the idol's words were true but was he able to overcome his pain? He didn't know if he was strong enough. Suddenly, he jumped when he his phone buzzed.
"Moshi moshi?"
"Toshi, it's me."
"Ah, Jun, ohayou."
"Ohayou. I wanted to ask you something but promise me you won't be angry." Jun started, carefully.
"Okay." Ohno answered, lost, he didn't know why Jun seemed so strange.
"Tonight, one of Masaki’s friend comes to visit us and we would like to know if you could come."
"Jun..." Ohno whispered, he really hated this kind of meeting.
"Please, Toshi, try, and if it's too hard you can leave, I promise."
"Alright." Ohno sighed, giving up.
"Sugoiii, you'll see, he is a nice guy." Jun exclaimed happily.
"See you tonight, then."
Ohno closed his phone and sighed deeply.
"You'll go??" Nino asked.
"Yes. You were right, my attitude is selfish and Jun and Masa suffer because of me, I have to move on, even if it's hard and painful."
"You don't really want to go there, I know you don't like this kind of meetings." Nino replied and Ohno blinked. How could the idol know him so well?!
"You're the one who told me to move on." Ohno answered.
"Yes, but you don't have to force yourself." Nino said softly.
"I know but I want to try."
Nino didn't answer, he sulked in his corner. Ohno smiled again and walked in the bathroom to take a shower without even thinking about Nino who took advantage to see his body with delight. He was lost in his thoughts and the younger asked himself at what he could think. Ohno put black jeans on and put a white short sleeve tee-shirt and some bracelets.
"You're very beautiful." Nino whispered when Ohno checked himself in the big mirror.
"Thank you." Ohno blushed, his heart beating faster at Nino's words.
He took his keys and go out of the apartment. When he arrived at Jun and Masaki's home, he started to panic.
"Don't force yourself." Nino said, kindly.
"I'm fine." Ohno answered with a shaking voice. He rang and Jun's eyes widened when he saw his friend at the doorstep.
"Satoshi, you're very beautiful!" Jun exclaimed.
"Thank you." Ohno blushed and took his shoes off.
When he followed his friend in the living room, his eyes fell on a young man next to Aiba. He had brown hair and a kind look. Ohno could say he was very gorgeous with his piercing in his ear and his sculpted arms.
"Satoshi, this is Okada Taisuke, Tai, this is Ohno Satoshi, my best friend." Jun said.
"Nice to meet you, Okada-san." Ohno bowed shyly.
"Call me Taisuke, nice to meet you." Taisuke bowed too with a big smile. "You're as beautiful as Jun told me." He added and Ohno blushed deeply.
The friends sat on the sofa and spoke about anything, laughing and smiling, but Ohno seemed elsewhere, he didn't feel comfortable by how Taisuke looked at him and sometimes touched his hand, his arm or his thigh. He was angry because he hated that but his body reacted and he could feel his crotch hardening. Ohno hadn't had sex since Sho's death three years ago and he felt deprived even if he couldn't sleep with someone else. For him, there was just Sho and it will always be just Sho. Taisuke seemed to feel his reaction because he never lost his smile and continued to brush Ohno's body. Plus, Taisuke intimidated him, the older was a very charismatic man and he tried to seduce Ohno more and more.
"He's very impolite!" Nino exclaimed.
"No, he's nice but too forward." Ohno chuckled nervously.
"I don't like how he touches you and how he stares at you, he looks at you as if you were is dinner." Nino said angrily.
"Are you jealous?" Ohno smiled, his heart beating faster by Nino's words.
"Never!" Nino shouted before shutting his mouth for sulking. Ohno's heart tightened and sadness invaded him. Why did he feel so sad by the idol's words?
When the night finished, Taisuke wanted to take Ohno back in his home.
"I'm worried." Jun said when they left.
"Why?" Masaki asked.
"Because Taisuke stared too much at Satoshi and he isn't ready for more."
"Don't worry, Tai is a good man, he wouldn't force Oh-chan to do something he wouldn't want." Aiba smiled.
"You're right. I want you." Jun hugged his lover.
"I want you to make love to me." Aiba whispered before kissing his lover deeply.
****
"It's here." Ohno said when they arrived in front of his door's apartment. "Oyasumi." Ohno smiled and wanted to enter butTaisuke stopped him by holding his arm.
"Wait." He pushed the older against the wall and smacked the artist’s lips with his.
"Stop, I don't want!" Ohno pushed him away, afraid, entered his home but before he could close the door, the man was already inside pushing him agaisnt the wall of the corridor.
"I know you want it, I saw how your body reacted to my touches." Taisuke smiled, making Ohno blush.
The younger grabbed one of his legs and lifted Ohno's hips against him. Satoshi moaned and froze when he felt the bulge inside of his jeans and at his leg. No. He couldn't. He wasn't ready and he couldn't betray Sho like that. Ohno tried to push Taisuke away but the younger was strong, tightened his grip around him along the corridor, kissing and sucking the older's neck.
"Stop!" Ohno implored when they already entered in the room.
"Don't you want to stop Jun and Masaki's worries?" Taisuke asked coldly.
"But..."
"Let me me help you for that, then." Taisuke cut his words and kissed him again.
"Stop that, please!" Ohno begged with despair.
"Don't let him touch you!" Nino exclaimed.
"I can't, he is too strong!" Ohno whimpered.
"This bastard, I'll kill him!" Nino yelled angrily.
“Sto-p tha-t.” Ohno gasped.
“I know you like it.” Taisuke answered, grabbed Ohno by his hair and threw him on the bed. Then, he quickly pulled their clothes off before Ohni could ran away from him and stroked his hard cock against Ohno's.
“You're so beautiful, Satoshi.” Taisuke moaned.
“Stop.” Ohno implored.
"Stop him!" Nino cried.
"I can't." Ohno sobbed.
"Stop him, Satoshi!!!" Nino screamed.
"Kazu, do something..." Ohno cried, tears rolling down his cheeks.
"This bastard!!!!" Nino screamed.
Ohno gasped when Taisuke pushed two fingers in him, it burnt, it hurt. The tears on his chubby cheeks didn't want to stop. Nino screamed, he could feel all Ohno's physical and psychical pain and it was unbearable. He felt Taisuke's thrusts as if it was his body, he heard Satoshi's screams as if they were his. Nino believed he'll go crazy if it continued.
“I'll make you forget Him!”Taisuke moaned.
“I don't want, please, stop that!” Ohno still begged, not willing to give in to the man above.
“Wouldn't you stop Jun's worries?!”
“Yes, but I'm-no-t re-ady, you're drunk.” Ohno gasped.
“You'll forget him with me!”
Ohno screamed at the same time Nino did when Taisuke pushed his cock in his hole. He waited some seconds before he moved in and out Ohno. The pain was horrible and Nino believed he will faint as how horrible it was. Plus, Ohno's shouts were more painful for him, his begs, his tears, his request for Nino to help him, all that killed Kazunari deep inside him, he wanted to die, he wanted this nightmare to stop.
“So go-od, you're so ti-ght." Taisuke moaned.
“Stop...” Ohno implored.
"Satoshi!!!" Nino shouted.
"I'm sorry, Kazu." Ohno gasped.
“Try to forget him and enjoy it.” Taisuke ordered while he moved faster and deeper.
“I can't.” Ohno sobbed between his painful screams.
“Try, Jun and Masaki are very worried for you, you don't deserve them, you're so selfish!” The younger snapped, coldly.
Ohno closed his eyes and thought about Jun who suffered by his attitude. Taisuke was right, he was so selfish!
"He's right." Ohno whispered.
"Are you stupid?! You're not selfish, he is crazy!" Nino shouted.
"But I can't do anything, he's too strong." Ohno sobbed and stopped to push Taisuke away.
"Don't let him do that to you, Satoshi, I forbid you to do that!!!"
"Sorry Kazu, I don't deserve you too." Ohno whispered painfully.
"Satoshi!!!"
Ohno opened his eyes and wrapped his arms aroundTaisuke's neck. The man smiled and pushed harder inside of him. Ohno wrapped his legs around him and moaned, tears rolling down his cheeks. He hated himself for doing what he did but was fed up, he was tired by all that and his heart didn't want to fight anymore. Crying silently, Ohno arched his back when Taisuke hit his sweet spot, he didn't feel any pleasurs, it was only his body reacting physically at Taisuke's thrusts. Nino believed he'll die as suffering invaded his heart. Taisuke caught Ohno's lips while he grabbed one of his thights, lifted it up and thrusted harder and deeper. Ohno gasped for air when Taisuke groaned above him and filled his hole with his cum. The man collapsed next to Ohno, breathing heavily. Evil smile spread on his lips, he grabbed Satoshi's manhood and started to pump it. Ohno whimpered and came quickly, his sobs resounding in the bedroom.
"You were so good, thank you." Taisuke smiled, kissed him one last time, put his clothes on and left the apartment.
Ohno stood up with difficulty and ran in his bathroom. He fell on the ground when the hot water hit his painful body. He rubbed his body roughly, wanting to erase Taisuke's touches but after 30 minutes, he still felt dirty. He left the bathroom, put pajamas on and curled in a ball in his sofa, shivering when he thought about what happened earlier. His tears stopped only when he fell asleep, exhausted.
****
Ohno blinked when the sun touched his face. He stood up, whimpering painfully and made a hot coffee.
"Nino?" Ohno started.
"Are you satisfied?!" Nino snapped angrily.
"Kazu..."
"Don't call me like that, I hate you." Nino said coldly. He hated himself for speaking like that to Ohno who just needed comfort, help but he couldn't help it. He was so angry, so hurt by what happened yesterday night. Ohno's pain was his and he wished he could hug the older but at the same time felt hurt by his attitude. Ohno gave up! He had let Taisuke rape him and even if Ohno had ejaculated, Nino knew the older hadn't feel any pleasure. But he hoped Ohno would fight and in reality he was more angry by the older's thoughts. How the artist could think Taisuke's words were true? How could he think he was selfish and was a burden for his friends? Why Ohno didn't see he was an amazing person, a kind and beautiful soul?
"Nino, I'm sorry." Ohno sobbed.
"Don't be, you do what you want, I'm not your mother." Nino replied wanting to kill himself for his horrible words.
Ohno's heart broke and he looked at the picture of Sho and him in his hands.
"I'm so sorry, Sho, I've betrayed you, I'm sorry." Ohno whispered to the picture.
The older prepared himself and left for the Sakurai's house. Today was Sho's death anniversary and he promised Jun to be there.
"Satoshi!" Jun ran toward him but soon stopped, seeing Ohno's pale face and swollen eyes. "Toshi, what happened?"
"Nothing, I'm just tired." Ohno made a fake smile.
"Satoshi-kun!" Jun's mother came toward them and hugged Ohno tightly.
"Ohayou, Kaa-san." Ohno whispered.
"You're so pale and so thin, dear, you must eat more!" She said with worried eyes.
"Gomen." Ohno apologized.
He sat on a chair and took a glass of beer, staring at the ground. Nino still didn't want to talk to him and Ohno felt very bad. There was Sho's family with some friends. Aiba was next to Jun, his head on his shoulder, stroking his lover's hand. Ohno didn't want to stay anymore, he just wanted to curl in his bed and die.
"Jun, I think I'll go back home."
Jun stared at his friend with a strange look and pushed him in an empty room.
"What happened?" Jun asked in serious tone.
"Nothing."
"Don't lie. I know you, Toshi, tell me what happened." Jun repeated and the older lowered his head.
"I've betrayed Sho and Kazu." The artist whispered. "I'm just a bitch."
"Did you sleep with Taisuke?" Ohno's eyes widened, his best friend really knew him well.
"Y-es, I didn't want at first but I let him do after."
"Wait... He raped you?!" Jun almost yelled, anger shining in his chocolate eyes.
"No, I told you, I let him do it later."
"I'll kill him!" Jun shouted.
"No, Jun, he was right, I'm the worst friend you could have, I made you suffer for three years, I'm selfish and I'm a burden." Ohno whispered and Jun slapped his friend. Ohno lifted his eyes, shocked.
"Don't say that, don't ever think that!!!" Jun hugged him tightly, crying in his neck. "You're the best friend someone could wish to have you're an amazing person, Satoshi, don't forget that."
"I'm sorry." Ohno sobbed, gripping Jun's shirt.
"I love you, Toshi. You're Sho's precious treasure, you're the person he loved more than anything, you're my brother's inheritance, the only thing he left me after his death, his memory." Jun cupped Ohno's cheeks, wiping the tears on his chubby face with his thumbs.
"Thank you, Jun." Ohno whispered and buried his face against the warm chest.
"I'll take you back home, you need some rest." Jun said after a while and Ohno nodded, grateful.
"I'll come tomorrow." Jun kissed Ohno's forehead as he brought his friend home and left.
Ohno walked in his empty apartment with sad eyes, took a bottle of vodka and started to drink, crying silently.
"Your attitude is stupid." Nino said after Ohno had finished one bottle.
"Shut up, I don't care." Ohno replied.
"You drink to forget, it's pathetic!"
"I don't want advice from someone who is not able to love another person than himself!"
"Stop that, Satoshi, you're drunk!" Nino snapped, worried.
"It's not your problem; you didn't want to talk to me today." Ohno mumbled.
"It's your fault!"
"Yes, you're right, it's my fault, everything is my fault! I've killed my boyfriend, I'm selfish and I'm a bitch, I'm so pathetic." Ohno laughed.
"It's false, I was angry, I didn't mean what I said, I'm sorry." Nino apologized.
"No, I'm a bad person..."
"You haven't killed Sho!"
"False. You want the whole story? He is dead by my fault, he tried to see my performance because he felt guilty and this night, he has killed someone with his car. You remember the mother who tried to push her daughter away? It was Mana-chan's mother, she died in the accident and now, Mana is orphan by my fault, if I hadn't been there, Sho and Mana's mother would be alive." Ohno cried.
Nino's eyes widened. Now, he knew why Ohno was so close of Mana-chan, he understood why the older played with orphan's children every week.
"You're right." Nino said after a while.
"Eh?"
"Maybe they would be alive if you weren't there but maybe not. Why do you think Sho tried to come this night? Not because he felt guilty, not because you were sad but because he loved you. Sho-san wanted to see you living your passion. He wanted to be proud of you, to hear your voice, to see your dance because he loved you. He was a true lover, when you really love someone you want to see him shining; you're interested in his passion, sometimes like for you, in his art. It's the true love, you said it earlier, it's when you see with your lover's eyes and not with yours. Sho wanted to see you at your peak and even if you hadn't asked him to come, I'm sure he would try because you were the one." Nino explained.
"Why? Why do you try to comfort me?!" Ohno asked.
"Because I love you." Nino whispered.
"What?!"
"It's stupid, ne? I'm the worst man of the world, I'm blocked in your mind but I love you." Nino giggled.
"You're not stupid." Ohno blushed. "And you're not horrible".
"Stop blaming and hurting yourself like that! It's enough, Satoshi!" Nino ordered.
"Kazu... I feel sick." Ohno stammered.
"Satoshi? Satoshi?!" Nino screamed before all became dark.
To be continued…
A/N: Well, sorry for the rape’s scene, I know I really write lots of rape since “Umi no shizukesa” and “A broken promise” but I just could write it that way. I think you understood I like torturing baby Ohchan xD but I think it will be the last time where I describe rape, because rape is one of the most horrible thing that can happen to someone ^^ Thanks for following this story and comments are <3
Author: MatsuAurore
Beta: Andreja1989 thank you <3
Pairings: Ohmiya, Junba (slight)
Rating: NC-17 for this chapter
Genre: Au, fantasy, drama, angst, romance, fluff
Disclaimer: Bad for me, only own the plot T.T warning, mention of rape.
Summary: Two pasts, two painful stories. They are the same but yet so different. Nino, a big arrogant idol and Ohno a kind and shy amazing dancer. They live their lives but when Ohno meets the younger, the sleepy man will discover Nino’s dark past that the idol wanted to forget. One day Nino gets stuck in Ohno’s mind and he discovers that maybe the dancer is the only person who can really understand his pain. Maybe Ohno’s eternal sleepy smile hides a dark secret.
Chapter 6: The pain
"You can cry, I'm here for you." Nino whispered while tears rolled down Ohno's cheeks.
The sleepy man closed his eyes, painfully. It was the first time he talked about his past to someone. Pain crossed his heart and at the same time, a weight left his body. Nino repeated kind words to him again and again. Sharing his grief with someone who understood him made him feel better.
"I know I'm not good at comforting someone but I know what true love is..." Nino whispered.
"When your life depened on your lover..." Ohno began.
"When you always want to be with him..." Nino continued.
"When his happiness becomes more important than your own..." Ohno added.
"When you start to see with your lover's eyes and not with yours..." Nino finished.
They stayed silent for some minutes, the silence was talking for them; both were sharing the same feelings. They were two lost souls which tried to overcome their sadness and to forget their devils. They were two broken hearts which tried to find happiness and liberty, but nobody could really understand them. Now, they could only count on each other to find the savior of their lives.
A smile appeared on Ohno's face through his tears, yes, now, he could try to move on.
"Thank you, I feel better. Oyasumi, Nino-chan." Ohno whispered.
"You're welcome, oyasumi, Oh-chan." Nino smiled.
****
The day after, Ohno felt Nino was elsewhere. Was it because of the previous night?
"Nino?"
"Hun?"
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing." Nino replied.
"Liar. I know you, you have a problem, tell me, don't you trust me now?"
"I'm more afraid of your reaction." Nino mumbled.
"Eh?"
"Why do you keep this tight bracelet on your left wrist all the time?"
Ohno looked at his wrist and didn't answer. Nino could feel the fear and the shame invading his heart. Why did the dancer feel like that? Ohno sighed, yesterday, he promised to himself to trust Nino and to try to move on, he couldn't betray that, even if it meant he will suffer. Taking a deep breath, Ohno took his bracelet off and Nino screamed when he saw his wrist. There was a big and deep scar.
Ohno sat on the floor and explained. When Sho left him, it was horrible, his world was broken, he couldn't breathe normally. Everything around him was grey and sad, when he came back in his apartment, it was empty, his eyes were empty, that's why he kept Sho's belongings, to fill in this gap. He couldn't accept Sho's death, he was everything for him, he was his world, his sky, his oxygen. But Sho was Jun's brother and he knew they were very close, Jun had suffered a lot with his death too and Ohno didn't want to bother him or make him suffer even more with his own pain.
That's why, he tried to bear his death alone, showing fake smiles in front of his friends, saying everything was all right and that they didn't have to be worry. But one year later, on Sho's birthday, he made a mistake. He was alone in his apartment and his grief was unbelievable. It was the first birthday he didn't spend with his lover and everything around him seemed dark and blurred. There were flashes of memories, flashes of Sho, flashes of their life together, flashes of their laughs. Ohno was seeing Sho smiling at him and saying "I love you", he could feel Sho's lips on his, on his neck, his hands stroking his body, his breath in his ear, but when Ohno opened his eyes, Sho had disappeared and there were only the pictures of them on the walls. Tears rolled down his pale cheeks and he understood. He understood he couldn't live without Sho, his life had no meaning if his lover wasn't here, he had lost his reason to live, the light of his life.
On the table in the kitchen, there was this knife. He thought it was the only way to escape from his pain, to find Sho. Just with this knife, just one cut and all would be over. He took it and after a while, cut his wrist. His heart was so broken that he even couldn't feel the pain from the knife. He felt the life leaving his body, the blood rolling down his arm and he smiled. Soon everything will be over. Soon, he could find Sho and smell his scent. The feeling was strange, as if he was very tired. Heclosed his eyes, knowing it was the end, whispering "I love you, Sho, wait for me" again and again and when he opened his eyes, he was at the hospital with Jun who cried while holding his hand and repeating, "I'm sorry, Satoshi, I'm sorry". Ohno had this scar since this day.
Nino was shocked. He couldn't say anything. He would never think Ohno could do that. Now, he understood why Ohno had tried to help him at their first meeting. He knew more than no one else what the younger felt. Ohno sighed and put his bracelet on his scar again. None of them spoke.
"It was the biggest mistake of my life, that day, I didn't think rationally. When I think about it, there is just regret. Regret harming myself, regret for worrying others and making Jun and Masaki cry and also regret disappointing Sho." Ohno whispered."And you think he would see you destroying yourself like that? You think he would want you to stop dancing and singing? You think he would see you live through his memory?" Nino snapped, angry about the truth and sad about Ohno's suffering.
"I knew you will judge me." Ohno sighed. "You don't understand."
"I don't understand?!!! Are you serious or really stupid?! I'm the only person who can understand you because I feel the same. For three years, I destroy myself, I destroy Toma's life and everything Yu has built with me. But you made me understand one thing, Oh-chan. You made me understand that Yusuke is dead and that he'll never come back despite all my wishes and my efforts. He is dead, like Sho-san. You can't live in his memory for the rest of your life, you said you don't want to bother and make your best friend suffer? You believe he is happier with this attitude? You believe he likes if you stop your passion, for making fake smiles and saying you were okay? Are you stupid? He is your best friend, he knows this attitude is a lie, he knows you don't succeed to overcome your pain and you know why? Because he feels the same and because he knows you more than no one else. You're so naïve if you think you can lie to him!" Nino yelled very angry this time.
Ohno froze, too shocked to say something. Nino's words were like a slap, a big slap that threw reality right in his face.
"Thank you but I don't want beautiful advices from someone who is unable to follow his own ideas." Ohno replied, annoyed.
"Maybe, but I understand now and when I'll come back in my body, I'll try everything I can to change my life and to stop destroying myself like that, Yusuke wouldn't want that, he would be unhappy if he saw me like that." Nino said.
Ohno frowned. He knew Nino was right, he knew all the idol's words were true but was he able to overcome his pain? He didn't know if he was strong enough. Suddenly, he jumped when he his phone buzzed.
"Moshi moshi?"
"Toshi, it's me."
"Ah, Jun, ohayou."
"Ohayou. I wanted to ask you something but promise me you won't be angry." Jun started, carefully.
"Okay." Ohno answered, lost, he didn't know why Jun seemed so strange.
"Tonight, one of Masaki’s friend comes to visit us and we would like to know if you could come."
"Jun..." Ohno whispered, he really hated this kind of meeting.
"Please, Toshi, try, and if it's too hard you can leave, I promise."
"Alright." Ohno sighed, giving up.
"Sugoiii, you'll see, he is a nice guy." Jun exclaimed happily.
"See you tonight, then."
Ohno closed his phone and sighed deeply.
"You'll go??" Nino asked.
"Yes. You were right, my attitude is selfish and Jun and Masa suffer because of me, I have to move on, even if it's hard and painful."
"You don't really want to go there, I know you don't like this kind of meetings." Nino replied and Ohno blinked. How could the idol know him so well?!
"You're the one who told me to move on." Ohno answered.
"Yes, but you don't have to force yourself." Nino said softly.
"I know but I want to try."
Nino didn't answer, he sulked in his corner. Ohno smiled again and walked in the bathroom to take a shower without even thinking about Nino who took advantage to see his body with delight. He was lost in his thoughts and the younger asked himself at what he could think. Ohno put black jeans on and put a white short sleeve tee-shirt and some bracelets.
"You're very beautiful." Nino whispered when Ohno checked himself in the big mirror.
"Thank you." Ohno blushed, his heart beating faster at Nino's words.
He took his keys and go out of the apartment. When he arrived at Jun and Masaki's home, he started to panic.
"Don't force yourself." Nino said, kindly.
"I'm fine." Ohno answered with a shaking voice. He rang and Jun's eyes widened when he saw his friend at the doorstep.
"Satoshi, you're very beautiful!" Jun exclaimed.
"Thank you." Ohno blushed and took his shoes off.
When he followed his friend in the living room, his eyes fell on a young man next to Aiba. He had brown hair and a kind look. Ohno could say he was very gorgeous with his piercing in his ear and his sculpted arms.
"Satoshi, this is Okada Taisuke, Tai, this is Ohno Satoshi, my best friend." Jun said.
"Nice to meet you, Okada-san." Ohno bowed shyly.
"Call me Taisuke, nice to meet you." Taisuke bowed too with a big smile. "You're as beautiful as Jun told me." He added and Ohno blushed deeply.
The friends sat on the sofa and spoke about anything, laughing and smiling, but Ohno seemed elsewhere, he didn't feel comfortable by how Taisuke looked at him and sometimes touched his hand, his arm or his thigh. He was angry because he hated that but his body reacted and he could feel his crotch hardening. Ohno hadn't had sex since Sho's death three years ago and he felt deprived even if he couldn't sleep with someone else. For him, there was just Sho and it will always be just Sho. Taisuke seemed to feel his reaction because he never lost his smile and continued to brush Ohno's body. Plus, Taisuke intimidated him, the older was a very charismatic man and he tried to seduce Ohno more and more.
"He's very impolite!" Nino exclaimed.
"No, he's nice but too forward." Ohno chuckled nervously.
"I don't like how he touches you and how he stares at you, he looks at you as if you were is dinner." Nino said angrily.
"Are you jealous?" Ohno smiled, his heart beating faster by Nino's words.
"Never!" Nino shouted before shutting his mouth for sulking. Ohno's heart tightened and sadness invaded him. Why did he feel so sad by the idol's words?
When the night finished, Taisuke wanted to take Ohno back in his home.
"I'm worried." Jun said when they left.
"Why?" Masaki asked.
"Because Taisuke stared too much at Satoshi and he isn't ready for more."
"Don't worry, Tai is a good man, he wouldn't force Oh-chan to do something he wouldn't want." Aiba smiled.
"You're right. I want you." Jun hugged his lover.
"I want you to make love to me." Aiba whispered before kissing his lover deeply.
****
"It's here." Ohno said when they arrived in front of his door's apartment. "Oyasumi." Ohno smiled and wanted to enter butTaisuke stopped him by holding his arm.
"Wait." He pushed the older against the wall and smacked the artist’s lips with his.
"Stop, I don't want!" Ohno pushed him away, afraid, entered his home but before he could close the door, the man was already inside pushing him agaisnt the wall of the corridor.
"I know you want it, I saw how your body reacted to my touches." Taisuke smiled, making Ohno blush.
The younger grabbed one of his legs and lifted Ohno's hips against him. Satoshi moaned and froze when he felt the bulge inside of his jeans and at his leg. No. He couldn't. He wasn't ready and he couldn't betray Sho like that. Ohno tried to push Taisuke away but the younger was strong, tightened his grip around him along the corridor, kissing and sucking the older's neck.
"Stop!" Ohno implored when they already entered in the room.
"Don't you want to stop Jun and Masaki's worries?" Taisuke asked coldly.
"But..."
"Let me me help you for that, then." Taisuke cut his words and kissed him again.
"Stop that, please!" Ohno begged with despair.
"Don't let him touch you!" Nino exclaimed.
"I can't, he is too strong!" Ohno whimpered.
"This bastard, I'll kill him!" Nino yelled angrily.
“Sto-p tha-t.” Ohno gasped.
“I know you like it.” Taisuke answered, grabbed Ohno by his hair and threw him on the bed. Then, he quickly pulled their clothes off before Ohni could ran away from him and stroked his hard cock against Ohno's.
“You're so beautiful, Satoshi.” Taisuke moaned.
“Stop.” Ohno implored.
"Stop him!" Nino cried.
"I can't." Ohno sobbed.
"Stop him, Satoshi!!!" Nino screamed.
"Kazu, do something..." Ohno cried, tears rolling down his cheeks.
"This bastard!!!!" Nino screamed.
Ohno gasped when Taisuke pushed two fingers in him, it burnt, it hurt. The tears on his chubby cheeks didn't want to stop. Nino screamed, he could feel all Ohno's physical and psychical pain and it was unbearable. He felt Taisuke's thrusts as if it was his body, he heard Satoshi's screams as if they were his. Nino believed he'll go crazy if it continued.
“I'll make you forget Him!”Taisuke moaned.
“I don't want, please, stop that!” Ohno still begged, not willing to give in to the man above.
“Wouldn't you stop Jun's worries?!”
“Yes, but I'm-no-t re-ady, you're drunk.” Ohno gasped.
“You'll forget him with me!”
Ohno screamed at the same time Nino did when Taisuke pushed his cock in his hole. He waited some seconds before he moved in and out Ohno. The pain was horrible and Nino believed he will faint as how horrible it was. Plus, Ohno's shouts were more painful for him, his begs, his tears, his request for Nino to help him, all that killed Kazunari deep inside him, he wanted to die, he wanted this nightmare to stop.
“So go-od, you're so ti-ght." Taisuke moaned.
“Stop...” Ohno implored.
"Satoshi!!!" Nino shouted.
"I'm sorry, Kazu." Ohno gasped.
“Try to forget him and enjoy it.” Taisuke ordered while he moved faster and deeper.
“I can't.” Ohno sobbed between his painful screams.
“Try, Jun and Masaki are very worried for you, you don't deserve them, you're so selfish!” The younger snapped, coldly.
Ohno closed his eyes and thought about Jun who suffered by his attitude. Taisuke was right, he was so selfish!
"He's right." Ohno whispered.
"Are you stupid?! You're not selfish, he is crazy!" Nino shouted.
"But I can't do anything, he's too strong." Ohno sobbed and stopped to push Taisuke away.
"Don't let him do that to you, Satoshi, I forbid you to do that!!!"
"Sorry Kazu, I don't deserve you too." Ohno whispered painfully.
"Satoshi!!!"
Ohno opened his eyes and wrapped his arms aroundTaisuke's neck. The man smiled and pushed harder inside of him. Ohno wrapped his legs around him and moaned, tears rolling down his cheeks. He hated himself for doing what he did but was fed up, he was tired by all that and his heart didn't want to fight anymore. Crying silently, Ohno arched his back when Taisuke hit his sweet spot, he didn't feel any pleasurs, it was only his body reacting physically at Taisuke's thrusts. Nino believed he'll die as suffering invaded his heart. Taisuke caught Ohno's lips while he grabbed one of his thights, lifted it up and thrusted harder and deeper. Ohno gasped for air when Taisuke groaned above him and filled his hole with his cum. The man collapsed next to Ohno, breathing heavily. Evil smile spread on his lips, he grabbed Satoshi's manhood and started to pump it. Ohno whimpered and came quickly, his sobs resounding in the bedroom.
"You were so good, thank you." Taisuke smiled, kissed him one last time, put his clothes on and left the apartment.
Ohno stood up with difficulty and ran in his bathroom. He fell on the ground when the hot water hit his painful body. He rubbed his body roughly, wanting to erase Taisuke's touches but after 30 minutes, he still felt dirty. He left the bathroom, put pajamas on and curled in a ball in his sofa, shivering when he thought about what happened earlier. His tears stopped only when he fell asleep, exhausted.
****
Ohno blinked when the sun touched his face. He stood up, whimpering painfully and made a hot coffee.
"Nino?" Ohno started.
"Are you satisfied?!" Nino snapped angrily.
"Kazu..."
"Don't call me like that, I hate you." Nino said coldly. He hated himself for speaking like that to Ohno who just needed comfort, help but he couldn't help it. He was so angry, so hurt by what happened yesterday night. Ohno's pain was his and he wished he could hug the older but at the same time felt hurt by his attitude. Ohno gave up! He had let Taisuke rape him and even if Ohno had ejaculated, Nino knew the older hadn't feel any pleasure. But he hoped Ohno would fight and in reality he was more angry by the older's thoughts. How the artist could think Taisuke's words were true? How could he think he was selfish and was a burden for his friends? Why Ohno didn't see he was an amazing person, a kind and beautiful soul?
"Nino, I'm sorry." Ohno sobbed.
"Don't be, you do what you want, I'm not your mother." Nino replied wanting to kill himself for his horrible words.
Ohno's heart broke and he looked at the picture of Sho and him in his hands.
"I'm so sorry, Sho, I've betrayed you, I'm sorry." Ohno whispered to the picture.
The older prepared himself and left for the Sakurai's house. Today was Sho's death anniversary and he promised Jun to be there.
"Satoshi!" Jun ran toward him but soon stopped, seeing Ohno's pale face and swollen eyes. "Toshi, what happened?"
"Nothing, I'm just tired." Ohno made a fake smile.
"Satoshi-kun!" Jun's mother came toward them and hugged Ohno tightly.
"Ohayou, Kaa-san." Ohno whispered.
"You're so pale and so thin, dear, you must eat more!" She said with worried eyes.
"Gomen." Ohno apologized.
He sat on a chair and took a glass of beer, staring at the ground. Nino still didn't want to talk to him and Ohno felt very bad. There was Sho's family with some friends. Aiba was next to Jun, his head on his shoulder, stroking his lover's hand. Ohno didn't want to stay anymore, he just wanted to curl in his bed and die.
"Jun, I think I'll go back home."
Jun stared at his friend with a strange look and pushed him in an empty room.
"What happened?" Jun asked in serious tone.
"Nothing."
"Don't lie. I know you, Toshi, tell me what happened." Jun repeated and the older lowered his head.
"I've betrayed Sho and Kazu." The artist whispered. "I'm just a bitch."
"Did you sleep with Taisuke?" Ohno's eyes widened, his best friend really knew him well.
"Y-es, I didn't want at first but I let him do after."
"Wait... He raped you?!" Jun almost yelled, anger shining in his chocolate eyes.
"No, I told you, I let him do it later."
"I'll kill him!" Jun shouted.
"No, Jun, he was right, I'm the worst friend you could have, I made you suffer for three years, I'm selfish and I'm a burden." Ohno whispered and Jun slapped his friend. Ohno lifted his eyes, shocked.
"Don't say that, don't ever think that!!!" Jun hugged him tightly, crying in his neck. "You're the best friend someone could wish to have you're an amazing person, Satoshi, don't forget that."
"I'm sorry." Ohno sobbed, gripping Jun's shirt.
"I love you, Toshi. You're Sho's precious treasure, you're the person he loved more than anything, you're my brother's inheritance, the only thing he left me after his death, his memory." Jun cupped Ohno's cheeks, wiping the tears on his chubby face with his thumbs.
"Thank you, Jun." Ohno whispered and buried his face against the warm chest.
"I'll take you back home, you need some rest." Jun said after a while and Ohno nodded, grateful.
"I'll come tomorrow." Jun kissed Ohno's forehead as he brought his friend home and left.
Ohno walked in his empty apartment with sad eyes, took a bottle of vodka and started to drink, crying silently.
"Your attitude is stupid." Nino said after Ohno had finished one bottle.
"Shut up, I don't care." Ohno replied.
"You drink to forget, it's pathetic!"
"I don't want advice from someone who is not able to love another person than himself!"
"Stop that, Satoshi, you're drunk!" Nino snapped, worried.
"It's not your problem; you didn't want to talk to me today." Ohno mumbled.
"It's your fault!"
"Yes, you're right, it's my fault, everything is my fault! I've killed my boyfriend, I'm selfish and I'm a bitch, I'm so pathetic." Ohno laughed.
"It's false, I was angry, I didn't mean what I said, I'm sorry." Nino apologized.
"No, I'm a bad person..."
"You haven't killed Sho!"
"False. You want the whole story? He is dead by my fault, he tried to see my performance because he felt guilty and this night, he has killed someone with his car. You remember the mother who tried to push her daughter away? It was Mana-chan's mother, she died in the accident and now, Mana is orphan by my fault, if I hadn't been there, Sho and Mana's mother would be alive." Ohno cried.
Nino's eyes widened. Now, he knew why Ohno was so close of Mana-chan, he understood why the older played with orphan's children every week.
"You're right." Nino said after a while.
"Eh?"
"Maybe they would be alive if you weren't there but maybe not. Why do you think Sho tried to come this night? Not because he felt guilty, not because you were sad but because he loved you. Sho-san wanted to see you living your passion. He wanted to be proud of you, to hear your voice, to see your dance because he loved you. He was a true lover, when you really love someone you want to see him shining; you're interested in his passion, sometimes like for you, in his art. It's the true love, you said it earlier, it's when you see with your lover's eyes and not with yours. Sho wanted to see you at your peak and even if you hadn't asked him to come, I'm sure he would try because you were the one." Nino explained.
"Why? Why do you try to comfort me?!" Ohno asked.
"Because I love you." Nino whispered.
"What?!"
"It's stupid, ne? I'm the worst man of the world, I'm blocked in your mind but I love you." Nino giggled.
"You're not stupid." Ohno blushed. "And you're not horrible".
"Stop blaming and hurting yourself like that! It's enough, Satoshi!" Nino ordered.
"Kazu... I feel sick." Ohno stammered.
"Satoshi? Satoshi?!" Nino screamed before all became dark.
To be continued…
A/N: Well, sorry for the rape’s scene, I know I really write lots of rape since “Umi no shizukesa” and “A broken promise” but I just could write it that way. I think you understood I like torturing baby Ohchan xD but I think it will be the last time where I describe rape, because rape is one of the most horrible thing that can happen to someone ^^ Thanks for following this story and comments are <3