All these things we don't tell each other (chapter 9)
Title: All these things we don't tell each other
Author: MatsuAurore
Banner: Lilisan31 <3
Pairings: Yama, Ohmiya
Rating: R
Genre: Au, romance, drama, angst
Disclaimer: If I owned them, I would keep the sex parts for me xD
Summary: What can you do when the person you love more than your own life is only looking at your best friend? What can you do when you know this person would never see you like you see her? And if your biggest wish came true but at the same time, getting close to her also meant pushing her farther from you...
Chapter 9:
"Anywhere out of the world..."
Satoshi
When I opened my eyes, I moaned painfully. My back was aching like hell and I felt sore! Kazu was laid down next to me, his face in the pillow, the sheets only covering his butt. I stroked his white skin with the tip of my fingers, shivering. He was so beautiful like that, locks of hair falling on his sleepy face, his chest moving slowly up and down with his calm breath. He looked like a fragile baby, a beautiful and fragile baby you wanted to hug tightly against your chest. I didn't feel the tears on my cheeks immediately when I thought about the last night. I laid down next to him and buried my face against him.
When I opened my eyes, Kazu wasn't here anymore. I yawned and stood up, taking a boxer. Kazunari was in the kitchen, cooking some eggs. He jumped when I hugged him from behind and kissed his cheek. Pain crossed my heart when he pulled away and gave me a plate.
"Kazu..."
"Eat. We'll talk later." Nino cut me off and I nodded. We ate in an uncomfortable silence, looking at our food as if it was the most interesting thing of the world.
"Kazu..."
"I'm sorry for yesterday night."
"What do you mean?" I frowned.
"I... I won't touch you again, don't worry." Nino stood up and took our plates to clean it.
"But I don't want you to avoid me. Didn't you feel anything yesterday night?"
"It's better if we don't see each other anymore, you still have Sho." Nino looked away.
"No. I don't agree! I don't want to lose you, I need you, Kazu. Sho's father doesn't allow me to see my own boyfriend who is in coma for almost two years and I... I'm becoming crazy, Kazu.." I whispered though my voice was shaking in despair.
"Satoshi..."
"Please, Kazu! I'll do what you want but don't reject me of your life!" I begged, tears filling my eyes.
"Listen. I fucked you, we both enjoyed it but it was the first and last time!" Nino said coldly.
"Kazu..." I whispered painfully.
"Leave, Satoshi."
"No!" I grabbed his arm and turned him around but blinked when I saw he was crying. "Kazu.." I put my hand on his cheek. "Look at me." Nino raised his eyes and I kissed him. He tried to push me away but I gripped his arm. After a while, Kazu gave up and lifted me up in his arms while I was wrapping my arms around his neck.
A loud moan escaped my throat when he pushed his cock inside of me, without any preparations. It was rough, it was painful but at the same time, so amazing. He took me on the table in a way I wouldn't be able to describe.
"I warn you. You can stay here, we can fuck if you want but don't try to act like a boyfriend, I don't want your pity nor your lies. I'm free to do what I want, even if I want to fuck someone else." Nino said coldly this night, breaking my heart but I was happy he let me stay in his life.
"Okay." I couldn't say anything, I felt so sad and empty.
One year later...
Satoshi
"Tadaima." I whispered when I entered the apartment. I saw Kazu on the phone and when his eyes met mines, he looked away.
"Yes, tomorrow at your apartment." Nino nodded with a smile and closed his phone.
I walked toward him and hugged him, putting my lips on his. As always, he didn't react and I forced my tongue inside of his mouth to deepen the kiss.
"Want I fuck you?" Nino made me freeze but I nodded, looking away. Kazu stripped me and himself before leading me in the kitchen to push me against the counter. I closed my eyes, waiting for the next part and gasped when he pushed his shaft inside of me. Kazu started to fuck me roughly, moans resounding in his throat. Despite the pain, I screamed in pleasure when he touched my magical spot, my hands grabbing the counter with despair. I released in a loud whine and turned around, knowing what he wanted.
"No kisses, you know it, Ohno." Kazu pushed me away when I tried to catch his mouth and I kneeled down to swallow his hard cock. His hands grabbed my head to fuck my mouth properly and after a while, Nino came inside of my throat.
"Go take a shower." Nino mumbled, pulling away and walking on the balcony to smoke.
When the water touched my skin, I fell on the grounded, crying. I grabbed my hair and screamed in pain, tears rolling down my cheeks like a waterfall.
"Why are you destroying us like that, Kazu?!" I cried, looking up at the ceiling. I didn't know Nino was also crying on the balcony too, his hand holding the cigarette was shaking with his sobs. I took a towel and left the bathroom, wiping my tears away.
"Did you cry?" Nino asked me when he saw my red eyes. I shook my head, looking away.
"Ohno..."
"Don't call me like that!" I snapped and walked to the bedroom, slamming the door behind me. I took my jeans and a shirt, wetting the clothes with my tears though I tried to keep this horrible sadness deep inside of my chest.
"Satoshi..." I heard Nino sighing while he was closing the door behind him.
"Why?"
"Hun?"
"Why do you hurt us like that?" I sobbed my face in my knees.
"I'm sorry." Nino sat down next to me and for the first time in one year, hugged me.
"Kazu..." I cried, my hands gripping his tee-shirt with despair, afraid he would leave me in the next second. His scent was still so amazing and I breathed deeply to keep this scent in my memories.
"I'm sorry. Don't cry, please." Nino whispered.
"It hurts so much..." I sobbed. Nino sighed and, lifting my face to look at me, wiped my tears with his thumbs.
"Do you want to go outside tonight?"
"Really?" I raised my swollen eyes.
"Yes. We could eat in a restaurant." I smiled widely, Nino never took me outside in one year.
"Prepare yourself, then." Nino smiled softly and kissed my forehead before leaving the bedroom.
We ate in a small restaurant but the food was delicious and a 'mecha umai' escaped my throat when I swallowed my curry, making Nino laugh. It was the first time he was laughing since Sho's accident. His laugh was beautiful, so warm and sweet. We talked about lots of subjects and sometimes laughed about silly things. I felt so good at this moment, I was finding my Kazu again. This night, he didn't make love to me but hugged me tightly against him, kissing my lips tenderly. In his way, he made love to my heart. I fell asleep quickly, smiling.
But a horrible scream woke me up some hours later...
Kazunari
When I made love to Satoshi the first night, it broke my heart at the same time it made me feel very happy. Feeling him around me was wonderful, perfect and amazing. Toshi's moans sent waves of joy in my heart. His face, his kisses, his hands felt just so natural, as if we were made for each other. I was in another world, in our world. But I saw the tears on his face when we reached our climax and my heart stopped. At this moment I understood. I understood despite my wishes, Satoshi would never love me back. It was so painful but at the same time I felt lighter.
When he begged me to let him stay the next morning, I gave up. I knew he would never love me and I decided to build a wall between him and me. A wall that will prevent me to fall in love even more with him. A wall that will push him away when he'll try to get close to me. A wall that will separate us forever and probably will make him hate me...
After one year, he was used to my attitude. He was sleeping every night in my apartment but we spent our days separated. When we were together, I always fucked him roughly, trying to make him believe he was just my object but when he fell asleep, I was crying in the bathroom, hating myself for what I was doing to him. When he closed his eyes, I always took some minutes to kiss every part of his body, trying to erase the pain I was causing him, to erase the sadness I was throwing to him. Hating Sho for abandoning him. Even if I was horrible with him, Satoshi always tried to hug me and kiss me. These moments were the worst because he made me remember the monster I was with him and I hated him for that.
But one day, Satoshi burst into tears and my mask fell. Seeing him so sad and so desperate erased this wall between us for a moment and I hugged him for the first time after all these months. I hugged him and kissed him for some hours. Don't cry my love, it's too horrible for me. Don't erase this so beautiful smile of yours. Don't make me want to die even more, please. I wiped his tears away and kissed his lips. They were always soft and sweet, making me moan and slip my tongue in his mouth. I climbed on top of him, ready to make love to him tenderly but pulled away.
"Do you want to go outside, tonight?"
His smile healed my heart and when I heard him laughing for the first time in two years, I smiled too. He was different, as if a small light was shining around him, as if a little flame was burning again in his broken heart. Satoshi, my love, please, find this beautiful flame of yours again, find the courage to overcome your pain and to deal without the monster I am.
"Kazu?" Ohno asked me when we got back home.
"Hun?"
"Could you sing me a song of yours?" At the beginning, I want to refuse but the hope shining in his beautiful eyes made me smile and nod softly. I grabbed my guitar and played.
Wandering around this city And this miracle that I ran into you
Even now, you exist deep in my heart
Although we tightly held hands
So that we wouldn't disappear in the rain that began to fall
Every time I hold you close
My aching heart is beaten by the rain
Satoshi looked at me with wide eyes, tears shining inside but I lowered my head and kept playing and singing, ignoring this silent question he was asking me. I knew he wondered if I wrote this song because of someone...because of him but I would never admit I wrote it thinking about him, about us. For seven years, now, most of my songs were written for Satoshi. It was a way to take away a bit of the pain I was feeling. If you looked inside of my desk, you could find a notebook. It wasn't just a book, it was The notebook. The notebook where I wrote all my songs for Toshi, the notebook where I put my feelings, how I was seeing him, how I felt when we spent time together or appeased my crisis. There were more than seven years of feelings on these white pages, seven years of ink on the paper... It was my life, the most precious thing I had, the proof of my love for him. If you opened this notebook, you could find these songs with lots of other things. It was my biggest secret. Even Jun didn't know the existence of this notebook...
The two of us from those days couldn't be honest with each other
I always passed the seasons by gazing at you from the side, didn't I?
(If I close my eyes, this is a painful love)
Unable to one day say the words "I love you"
The gentle memories (are shining)
The tears I'd been fighting back spilled over and were hidden by the wind
Everything is glittering, just like time has stood still
We always saw our never-ending dream, didn't we?
Maybe one day you'll see me. Maybe one day you'll love me.
But if I know one thing, it's the fact the feelings I have for you are eternal.
Maybe one day your happiness will come back. Maybe one day you'll find your way to catch the joy.
But if I know one thing,
It's the fact your smile is my hometown.
Maybe one day you'll hate me. Maybe one day you'll reject me.
But if I know one thing, it's the fact your eyes are my hometown.
If one day you understand how much I hurt you. If one day you see how I killed you, you have to know one thing,
Just one thing...
It's the fact that your heart is my hometown.
Your lips are my hometown.
Your arms are my hometown.
Your hugs are my hometown...
Like how overlapping shadows aren't separated
We don't say anything and cuddle close
My chest tightens, unable to put these fleeting emotions into words
If only, this pain will never disappear from my heart
If I remember you, I'll be filled with affection, even now
(If I close my eyes, this is a painful love)
Always in my heart, no matter how far we are separated
The gentle memories (are shining)
Under this sky, our chance meeting will certainly be carved here
Maybe someday you'll accept the love I feel for you. Maybe one day I'll be able to heal your heart but remember one thing, Satoshi, I've never loved someone as much as I love you. I've never smiled to someone like I smiled to you. I've never kissed someone as I kissed you. I've never hugged someone as I hugged you.
Remember before I met you, all these "Never" were real and had been erased with you. You can hate me, you can hit me, you can kill me but don't forget I started to live when I crossed your way. Today, if someone asked me what I would change in my life, I would say, nothing because all the things that happened to me had one sense. Putting you on my way. I only want to change one thing. If I could come back seven years ago, I would confess. I would tell you how my heart was fluttering when I saw your face, how my heart was beating furiously when you were laughing and smiling to me. I would catch the stars and write "I love you" in the dark sky of the night. I would do anything for you...
By myself Or the two of us together
That promise will never change
It's precious now too (shining brightly)
Little by little Bit by bit
The days we've passed will change into something brilliant too
And then, we'll still be believing in the tomorrow we can't see
The two of us from those days couldn't be honest with each other
I always passed the seasons by gazing at you from the side, didn't I?
(If I close my eyes, this is a painful love)
Unable to one day say the words "I love you"
The gentle memories (are shining)
The tears I'd been fighting back spilled over and were hidden by the wind
The two of us from those days (The two of us from those days)
Couldn't be honest with each other (Couldn't be honest with each other)
The two of us from those days
When I stopped, Ohno took the guitar in my hands and pushed me on the bed.
"Satoshi?"
"Let me hug you tonight." Ohno whispered through his tears. I took his chin to make him look at me.
"I allow you to kiss me. Only for tonight." I smiled softly and caught his lips before he could react.
Satoshi wrapped his arms around my neck and kissed me back with passion though, our kisses were soft. My hand was stroking his cheek and his side, making him shiver when I touched his skin. I nuzzled in his neck to lay lots of kisses on his skin, letting many red marks when I sucked his neck delicately. It was slow and sweet. It was soft and full of love. I kissed his forehead, his temples, his wet cheeks and his nose before pecking his pink lips, bringing a smile between our mouths.
"Kazu...my Kazu." Ohno whispered, burying his face in my neck.
We kept kissing for a long time before falling asleep in each other's arms. No need to make love, our kisses were our way to make love this night. Our strokes were the way to show how much we cared for the other though both of us knew it would end the next morning. We didn't want it to stop. We only wanted to stay like that forever...
If I can't make love to your body, I'll make love to your heart, Satoshi...
To be continued...
A/N: So, things are starting to change now xD but don't think Satoshi and Kazu's relationship is going to be better because it's not finish yet xD I prefer this story from the chapter 9 because lots of things will happen after and.... No, I have to shut my mouth now before revealing anything xDDD So, see you for the chapter 10, I'll try to post it this week end if I have some time xD