All these things we don't tell each other (17/18)
Title: All these things we don't tell each other
Author: MatsuAurore
Banner: Lilisan31 <3
Pairings: Yama, Ohmiya
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Au, romance, drama, angst
Disclaimer: If I owned them, I would keep the sex parts for me xD
Summary: What can you do when the person you love more than your own life is only looking at your best friend? What can you do when you know this person would never see you like you see her? And if your biggest wish came true but at the same time, getting close to her also meant pushing her farther from you...
Chapter 17:
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Satoshi
"How do you dare talking about my feelings?! You know nothing!"
"Then, tell me, Kazu! Tell me these things you wanted to tell me!" I cried.
"No, it's too late, Satoshi. You don't really know me. It's funny because we know each other for 9 years, we went through horrible things together, we slept together, kissed each other, made love together but you don't even know me after all this time. But how could you know me when you don't know you yourself?! You don't even know my deep feelings for you and how you are destroying me! Nine years, Satoshi! I tried during nine years to show you my feelings but you never saw me! You are only seeing Sho and using me to fill this emptiness in your heart. Be honest with yourself before trying to love someone!" Nino cried and climbed the stairs to lock himself up in his bedroom.
"You hurt him, Satoshi." I turned my head to see my mother on the sofa.
"You..."
"I saw and heard everything." She cut me off, patting the sofa. I sat down next to her and she hugged me.
"Dear, stop playing the blind man with Kazunari and your heart. He loves you deeply."
"Eh? No, it's impossible!" I exclaimed.
"I saw that this morning when I was making shopping." She held me out an album.
"Kazu's new album?" I blinked.
"Listen to his songs and you'll understand what Kazu was trying to tell you." My mum kissed my forehead and left.
I looked at the title's CD. All these thing we don't tell each other. This title... I looked at the album's back. Lyrics by Ninomiya Kazunari. I put the CD in my stereo and started to cry when I heard the first song.
Nothing but mysterious things
I don't know
What to believe anymore
If you're lost, stay by my side
Seeing this scenery for the first time, uncertainty was born in your heart
Rather than just doubt it, try walking out in it (The past, the future ... the present)
This first song wasn't calm, a bit pop but Nino's voice was still so beautiful. I loved the lyrics, it reminded me myself. Being lost, trying to find my way... The second song started after a moment but it was calm. Nino was playing the piano and you could hear some violins and cellos. The lyrics... It was so beautiful that it made me cry. It was like a confession. Talking about a hidden love, explaining how you couldn't tell it to this person. A sweet but deep and strong love you couldn't erase despite the fate or the life. This kindness shining in every look, every word... Does mum was right? Was it really Kazu's feelings toward me? During these two years, I thought he didn't feel anything but it was false. He hid it deep in his heart not to hurt me. He loved me? Does Kazu was loving me like that? Did these words are true? He was right when he said I never understood nor knew him. I was the most stupid and horrible person of the world. His feelings for me were so pure, so strong and beautiful... My Kazu...
Those times when you smiled gently at me, that place where we were together.
That is the thing that is the most important to me
So important, it makes me want to cry.
The days when I said that to myself, I couldn't tell you.
...I wonder why I couldn't say it to you?
Rather than that thing that we look up at in the distance, you are... you are...
If it's now, I think I can say it.
You're more beautiful than a rainbow...
I listened to all the songs of the album and when the last came, my heart almost stopped. There was a note after the lyrics.
Even if tomorrow you're not by my side, I won't regret anything because I was able to love someone as strong as I love you. These are these things I never told you. My biggest regret because it's more painful when the person you love more than anything thinks you're just using her. These songs are my feelings, these words are what I've always felt for you but never told you. It started when I saw you at this party and it will never stop because my love for you is indestructible and your beautiful smile will always follow me wherever I go. There were so many things I wanted to tell you but no need to speak uselessly because the most important is this one: I love you.
What is right? What is wrong?
So I said, "it's okay"
Those words were erasing myself
That was what I was most afraid of
Yell with all your might "I'm here!" like it's proof of yourself
We are not that weak But we're not that strong either
That's why it's okay to cry There's nothing to be embarrassed about
Only people who have a tomorrow can do it Because it's the signal of going to that tomorrow
Crying Searching Falling down Crying again
That's how you become an adult
Afraid of getting hurt
If I always try not to cry, I won't be able to laugh
When I realized I was alone, I was scared
That's when your voice came, so gentle it hurt
If I cry, then you'll say, "You're a crybaby"
When I tried to say, "You are too," I relaxed and laughed
Like always, messing around and arguing
Don't say it's nostalgic right now Tightly hold onto the "now" that's there
Look, breathe in and out You're living
Walking one step at a time Just that is enough
It's alright, we'll always be here
So try confessing everything
Come on, you should stand tall and say it
"That is us"
I hugged the pillow against me, crying loudly. It hurt. It hurt so damn much and I wanted to die. Why? Why did he never tell me? Why did he act like an asshole during these two years if he loved me?
"Why?" I sobbed, burying my face in the pillow. Why did you hurt us like that, Kazu. So many years spoiled, so much suffering, so many words we didn't mean and so many things we wanted to tell each other.
"Because I was afraid." Nino's voice made me jump.
"Kazu..."
"I fell in love with you at the second I saw you at Masaki's party. You were so beautiful with your chubby cheeks and these cute pouty lips. It was the first time I was feeling that except with Jun. Do you remember what happened after?"
"I... We kept sleeping together and..."
"And one day I found you. You see, I didn't bear this first time when I saw you in this state. At this time, I thought you were only sleeping with me for fun, that for you, I wasn't more than a good friend who made you forget the horrible reality of your life."
"Why?! Why do you think I dated Sho?!" I asked angrily. "Of course I had feelings for him at the beginning but why? Because I was trying to erase this fucking love I was feeling for you!" Nino looked at me with surprised eyes.
"How could I know it, you never told me."Nino frowned.
"But why did you give up on me so easily?!"
"I forbid you to say that! I fought, Satoshi!! I fought every single day to show you you were my everything but... But life is unfair, life forced me to give up!"
"Eh?"
"You can't imagine how much I suffered when I found you in our apartment and realized this bastard had raped you! It destroyed me!"
"I know, I suffered a lot, but why..."
"I've killed a man for God's sake, Satoshi!!!!" My eyes widened in shocked. Tears were rolling down Kazu's cheeks like a waterfall. "I killed a man. A human. For you. I killed him, I seduced him and I killed this little shit that had hurt you!" Kazu sobbed.
"I..."
"Don't say I gave up easily on you when I killed a man! Even if he was a bastard and deserved it, I'm living with his death, with the fact I took a life with my own hands! I chose to become a monster for you, Satoshi, I've sacrificed my life and my mind because you were the only thing that made me feel as if I deserved to live!" Kazu broke down, falling on his knees and crying loudly.
"Kazu..."
"I made many mistakes in my life but even if killing this man was something unforgivable, I never regretted it because it was to save you! I thought after that that I would be able to forget, to finally tell you my feelings but you....you did something I couldn't forgive..."
"What..."
"I killed a man for you and several months later, I found you at hospital because you had made a suicide attempt! I understood this day that we weren't meant to be together." Nino whispered, looking at the ground, his nails sinking in the wood.
"Why?" I asked weakly.
"Because we were already destroying each other, Satoshi. We were only living through the pain of the other and despite all my love for you, you tried to leave me... Even I couldn't make you live peacefully. Our pasts were haunting us and to survive through all this pain, we were supporting each other. We never healed our wounds, Satoshi, we just built a wall between the past and the reality. We built a wall to escape from what we had to face since the beginning. You, with your parents and Naruse and I with my murder and what happened at my 17 years old. To heal your scars and not live on a lie, you have to face the reality and to accept it, not to convince yourself everything is fine and you just have to spread a sheet on what happened. But we were exactly like that. I was bearing my night terrors and never found the courage to face it because I was scared and at the same time, it was a way to keep you for myself..." Kazu chuckled.
"What?"
"Everybody thinks you are the one who is selfish but it's false. I'm the worst. I also used these night terrors to keep you by my side. It was the only way to have your full attention, to have a part of your heart. I said I was feeling guilty for Sho but today, I realize it was a lie. I wanted you for myself and the only thing that made you come back to me was my night terrors."
"But you didn't fake it..."
"No. But it's one of the reasons for why I refused to see a psychologist and face my past. I was scared, of course but in this darkness that was eating me, you were my light. You were the only link between the reality and the world. There is a thin line between madness and sanity. One day, someone said that sometimes we carry madness in our hands. It was my case. It was me. I was using you..." Nino sobbed.
"I was too." I said after a while.
"Eh?"
"You're the only person who saw the real me this day. In one second, you saw my scars, my wounds and my pains. There was this bond between us, this mysterious link that was making us face tomorrow. But, Kazu, this suicide attempt, I did it because of you." I kneeled down and stroked his wet cheek.
"What?"
"Even if I didn't know you had killed Ryo, I knew you were here to protect me. You were reassuring me, taking care of me, made me feel loved. You also were my everything, Kazu. As long as you were here, I didn't need anything else because in one second, in one look, you could read me. And then, you left."
"Not forever, for some months..."
"I know but I was too fragile at this time. In a way, I was using you not to dive in darkness. And you think you are the worst?" I laughed sarcastically. "I'm maybe the most horrible person in this world. Because I was happy that you made your night terrors. Why? Because I could be by your side. I could be the most important in your eyes, even more than Jun. Because I was what you need. I was your need. When you made your night terrors, I could be with you." I said softly, stroking his cheek.
"We are using each other for nine years, made many persons suffer. We have to stop that, Satoshi." Nino whispered.
"Just a last time, Kazu. Make me feel alive just a last time." I implored through my tears.
"Let me dive into your heart." Kazu whispered, lifting me in his arms.
"I love you, Kazunari." I smiled, looking straight in his eyes.
"I love you too." Nino whispered.
"Kazu..." I stroked his cheek and kissed him. At this moment we lost the control of our bodies and Nino kissed me back roughly. I lifted one of my legs on his waist and he carried me in his arms and led us to my bedroom. Nino threw me on the bed and started to kiss my neck and lick my skin hungrily.
"You’re mine, Satoshi, only mine, baby." I smiled letting the words sink in my heart, my hand was moving lazily over Kazu's perfectly smooth chest while his hand had moved to my thigh stroking me up and down. He was so kind, so soft with me at this moment that I believed my heart would explode in happiness.
"Why are you so possessive with me?" I asked. It was something that had bewildered me since we knew each other, even if it pleaded me. I couldn’t understand why someone as wonderful as Nino wanted to be with me.
"I told you, you're mine, you've always been mine and you'll always be mine." Nino answered claiming my lips again. I sighed into the kiss deciding to let it go for now, as my body was reacting to the soft touches, when Kazu’s hand moved toward my member and began to rub it gently, his short fingers barely grazing my hardening member. Kazu smiled delighted that I was getting so quickly hard, he broke the kiss his lips trailing down my chin, neck, chest and then stomach, his teeth marking my body as he proved that it was his.
Kazu gave a chuckle before licking my member from the base to the tip and kissed the tip a few times, until my hips started to buck wanting to be inside of this wonderful mouth, Nino finally got the hint and parted his lips, covering my member and giving it a hard suck. I moaned loudly my eyes rolling back into my head as my back arched forcing myself deeper into that wonderful wet mouth. As his mouth did amazing things to my member, Kazu’s hands were searching for the lube, I wanted to help him but I was lost in the pleasure and unable to do anything but moan loudly.
There was a soft click informing me that Kazu had found the lube and I spread my legs wider as Nino released my member and kissed my lips tenderly.
"I love you." Nino whispered and I watched the beautiful expressions on his face and understood now how much he loved me at the way he was kissing, stroking every part of my body. After a long preparation where I begged him for more with loud moans, Nino pulled his fingers out quickly rubbed himself with the lube before kissing me again as he thrusted inside of me, swallowing the cry escaping my mouth. He rocked backwards and forwards working up a steady pace, my gasps getting shaper and quicker as he started to move against me, Nino reached in between us and gripped my member pumping at it while he was rubbing the tip with his thumb smearing the precum that had built up.
I was panting his name like a mantra letting him know that I was close and when Kazu angled his hips slightly to hit my secret spot, he bit on my lip hard to stifle our screams of pleasure. Nino attacked my neck for a few minutes his thrusts becoming faster making the sheets fall on the ground until my hips lifted off the bed and I released with a steady stream covering Kazu’s hand and both our stomachs. The clenching of my muscles was enough to draw out a long hard orgasm from Kazu and after his body relaxed he collapsed heavily on top of me holding me tightly panting "I love you" until we both fell into an exhausted sleep.
I yawned loudly when the sun touched my face and I struggled but two arms tightened its grip around me making me remember I was hugging Kazu. He was sleeping deeply, showing an innocent and beautiful face, his lips slightly parted, the peace shining on his face and this kindness in the way he was pressing my body against his. It felt so good, so amazing to know our veritable feelings. Kazu was right, we needed to tell these things we never tell each other. Now, my heart was beating happily and something in my mind was gone. But even if I felt good with Kazu, guilty was eating my heart for what I was doing to Sho. I love him. I really love him but yesterday, I understood how much my heart loved Kazu despite my efforts to deny it. What will I do, now? I didn't want to hurt Sho but I couldn't lie to him. Why couldn't have I both? I knew it was selfish for wanting Sho and Kazu at the same time but...
"You are thinking about Sho, aren't you?" Nino's voice made me jump. I raised my eyes and nodded. Nino sighed and stood up to take his clothes on the floor. He was so beautiful, naked. His white skin shining with the sun, his perfect butt and his back...
"Maybe yesterday night was a mistake." Nino finally said.
"What?!" I gasped.
"I mean. I loved it. It was amazing to make love with you like that but..." Nino stopped, staring at the door.
"But?"
"I know you love Sho and I don't want you to suffer nor him. I can see you are wondering how you'll talk to him and how you don't really want to break up with him. Maybe we should forget yesterday night." Nino said softly before leaving the bedroom.
I grabbed my boxer quickly and ran to the kitchen where Kazu was drinking a coffee.
"How can you say that?!" I snapped.
"I'm only trying to tell the truth, Satoshi." Nino replied calmly.
"Why? Do you regret what happened yesterday night?"
"I... Maybe." I slapped his face, tears shining in my eyes. Why was he hurting me again?
"I don't regret anything, Kazu! I loved it when you made love to me, when I felt you inside me, when you were whispering how much you loved me and kissed me so tenderly. I never felt that before. It was wonderful and I thought it was the same for you, that you didn't regret it." I cried and left the kitchen.
"Satoshi!" Nino caught my arm in the living room.
"Leave me alone, you're just a coward. I know what I want and I want you. I love Sho but I can't continue without you!"
"You don't understand. Of course I want you. I want to make love to you every day, to hug you in my arms, to kiss you and make you happy but it would mean destroying your relationship with Sho and..."Nino's voice died in his throat.
"I told you that I love you." I replied.
"Satoshi, do you realize what you are saying or are you playing the blind man on purpose?" Nino snapped, making me blink.
"What do you mean?"
"You keep repeating you love me but how do you want I believe in your beautiful words?! Shit, have you looked at yourself in a mirror recently?! You are in love with two persons. Sho who is the stability, the security and the guaranty of a calm happy life and I... I am the insecurity, I'm the dark part of your heart that you try to erase! How can I believe in you?! You are in love with a perfect boyfriend and a shit, why would you choose me?!"
"Don't ever say again that you are a shit!!" I yelled.
"And what am I, Satoshi? When you look at me, what do you see? I'm broken, I'm dead inside, you were the only one able to make me a bit beautiful but... I have too many devils, Satoshi, with me, it will be hard, I have none self-confidence even if I play the arrogant brat. I'm scared about many things and I'm weak. You need someone strong, Satoshi, someone able to protect you and Sho is perfect for that. I don't want you to choose me and to realize in one or two years that I wasn't the good one. That Sho was a better choice. You don't even know what you want yourself, how would I be able to believe you and to belong to you? I've suffered enough, Satoshi and I don't want you to scratch my heart again because you're not sure."
I looked at him with sad eyes and grabbed his nape.
"Kiss me." I replied with serious eyes. Kazu looked at me and caught my lips. I wrapped my arms around his neck while he was pressing our bodies together, deepening the kiss. I moaned loudly between our lips and Kazu released me.
"I love you, Kazu." I smiled but stared at him with determinate eyes.
"Me too but..." I cut him off by kissing him again, my hand slipping under his shirt to stroke his soft skin, making him shiver.
"Shut up." I whispered, taking his lower lip between my teeth.
"Okay." Kazu smiled and kissed my jaw to my neck slowly and tenderly. A cough made us jump and we turned our head to see my parents on the sofa with uncomfortable faces.
"Mom..." I blushed, moving back.
"Sorry but as you two were in front of the door we couldn't leave the living room and didn't want to cut you." My father said softly.
"I'm sorry, Ohno-san!" Nino bowed deeply, as red as a tomato.
"It's okay but I would like to talk to my son." My father smiled. I nodded and followed him in his office.
"Satoshi, do you realize what you are doing?" My father asked after a while.
"I'm sorry for making a scene in your house, I won't do it again, papa." I bowed.
"I wasn't talking about that and you know it."
"I..." I stopped. What could I say?
"You know, I met your mother when I was 18 and I fell in love with her at first sight. She was smart, beautiful, kind and always had this smile on her face. We married at 23 and Mina and you came after. I never felt so happy before. I had your mother and you. The three most important persons of my life. We went through hard things, fought and almost broke up but you and Mina always were the reason why I stayed. Because your faces were remembering me how much you and your mother were precious to me. I heard what happened between you and Nino. I know you love Sakurai too but you have to make a choice and I want you to be sure you'll take the good decision and won't make them suffer for nothing." My father said softly.
"I know. But whatever my choice will be, I'll suffer because I love them both." I whispered.
"Yes, it's true but when you are closing your eyes, who are you seeing? When you feel bad and sad, who are you thinking about? It's what you have to think. Who is always occupying your mind and your heart when everything is dark? On who you can rely on? Who can protect you?" My father smiled.
"I..."
"Don't tell me, just, make a quick choice you won't regret. Tell Sho your real feelings for him and also with Kazu. You will always be welcome here and you can stay as long as you want to take a decision." My father cut me off and patted my shoulder before leaving the office.
What could I do? I needed some time alone to be sure.
****
"I'll leave you alone. You need some time." Nino whispered in my ear when I joined him in the living room.
"Kazu..." I raised my eyes shyly.
"Take a decision and don't forget I love you even if you reject me. But I want you to listen to me. Don't come to me if you have just a little doubt. I want you to be sure at 100%, not to regret your decision in some years. Be honest with yourself before wanting to start something with Sho or me. I'm not an easy person to love and live with and I can't promise you everything will be perfect but I can promise something. I've never stopped loving you since this day and will never. I'm not an easy person but I'll give you everything I have, that's why I don't want you to be unsure because I don't want to suffer anymore. I'm tired of that and I want to heal my scars and build a new peaceful life.
I'll be at my apartment if you need me, you have the key." Nino kissed me tenderly, stroking my hair and my cheek and left the house.
****
I spent two weeks in my parent's house. I wasn't only trying to take a decision, I was spending some time with them. I needed to be with my family after all these years. I followed my father's advice and understood. Despite my love for Kazu and Sho, there was only one of them always in my mind when I felt bad. Only one in my heart when everything was dark and only one of them where I always felt in security.
Sho.
I always felt safe in his arms because I knew his love for me. He was responsible, kind and smart. When I was with him, I felt I was with my man, with someone I could count on. We shared so many wonderful moments together and I couldn't forget that. I loved him.
The next day, I left my parent's house and took a taxi to come back home.
"Satoshi!!" Sho exclaimed when he saw me.
"Tadaima." I smiled. He had lost lots of weight and had big shadow under his eyes.
"I missed you so much, babe." Sho cried, stroking my cheek and kissing my lips hungrily.
"Me too. Sho, I have something important to tell you." I whispered between our kisses.
"Later, babe. I want you so much." Sho lifted me up in his arms and led me in our bedroom.
He was different. Rougher but still soft. He striped me quickly and prepared me in a record. Sho made love to me the whole afternoon, making me scream his name in pleasure and taking me in every room of our apartment. Every time I was walking in a room, for example in the kitchen to drink some water, he was pushing me against the wall or on a table and fucked me roughly. It was new for both of us. I liked it when he was wild because for once in his life he lost his self-control, this calm and responsible appearance. He was another person.
"What did you want to tell me?"
"I have to be honest with you, Sho."
"What?" Sho frowned worriedly.
"When you had your accident and stayed in coma, I thought I would die." I started, tears filling my eyes.
"But it's over my love." Sho smiled, hugging me but I pushed him away softly.
"Let me finish. I was lost and my heart was bleeding. I was visiting you everyday and talked to you during lots of hours. But after one year, your father asked me not to come back again."
"What?!!"
"He told me I was destroying myself and your family by staying with you every time and crying for many hours. So, he asked me not to come back again." I whispered.
"I'll kill him!" Sho almost yelled.
"Wait, Sho, let me finish. I was lonely and so sad not to be able to kiss and see you. And Kazu was there. One night, while we were drunk, he kissed me and we made love together." I lowered my head, ashamed.
"You...you made love with him..." Sho repeated, as pale as a ghost.
To be continued…
A/N: So, next time will be the last chapter! I can't believe this fic is already almost over xD At the beginning I wanted to post two chapters per months but as in your lovely comments you asked for more... xD
So, I don't really know what I can say about this chapter xD I think it's one of the most cruel because of what happens between Kazu and Ohchan xD I hope you understand a bit more our Satoshi who, even if he didn't act well during all these years, was only lost and scared about his deep feelings for his Kazu xD In fact, they were stupidely hurting each other instead of talking about what they felt and about their fears, you can now, understand fully the title of this story, because many things are spoiled, many lives are broken when you keep in your heart too many secrets ^^
In the last chapter, you will know about Ohchan's decision ^^ I'm sorry for the one who won't have the end they wanted but this fic is pretty hard to end because I don't want to hurt my babies xD I'll try to post the last chapter next week but I'm not sure because as I didn't like what I'd written, I erased the chapter and I have to re-write it now xD See you soon and as always, comments are <3
Author: MatsuAurore
Banner: Lilisan31 <3
Pairings: Yama, Ohmiya
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Au, romance, drama, angst
Disclaimer: If I owned them, I would keep the sex parts for me xD
Summary: What can you do when the person you love more than your own life is only looking at your best friend? What can you do when you know this person would never see you like you see her? And if your biggest wish came true but at the same time, getting close to her also meant pushing her farther from you...
Chapter 17:
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Satoshi
"How do you dare talking about my feelings?! You know nothing!"
"Then, tell me, Kazu! Tell me these things you wanted to tell me!" I cried.
"No, it's too late, Satoshi. You don't really know me. It's funny because we know each other for 9 years, we went through horrible things together, we slept together, kissed each other, made love together but you don't even know me after all this time. But how could you know me when you don't know you yourself?! You don't even know my deep feelings for you and how you are destroying me! Nine years, Satoshi! I tried during nine years to show you my feelings but you never saw me! You are only seeing Sho and using me to fill this emptiness in your heart. Be honest with yourself before trying to love someone!" Nino cried and climbed the stairs to lock himself up in his bedroom.
"You hurt him, Satoshi." I turned my head to see my mother on the sofa.
"You..."
"I saw and heard everything." She cut me off, patting the sofa. I sat down next to her and she hugged me.
"Dear, stop playing the blind man with Kazunari and your heart. He loves you deeply."
"Eh? No, it's impossible!" I exclaimed.
"I saw that this morning when I was making shopping." She held me out an album.
"Kazu's new album?" I blinked.
"Listen to his songs and you'll understand what Kazu was trying to tell you." My mum kissed my forehead and left.
I looked at the title's CD. All these thing we don't tell each other. This title... I looked at the album's back. Lyrics by Ninomiya Kazunari. I put the CD in my stereo and started to cry when I heard the first song.
Nothing but mysterious things
I don't know
What to believe anymore
If you're lost, stay by my side
Seeing this scenery for the first time, uncertainty was born in your heart
Rather than just doubt it, try walking out in it (The past, the future ... the present)
This first song wasn't calm, a bit pop but Nino's voice was still so beautiful. I loved the lyrics, it reminded me myself. Being lost, trying to find my way... The second song started after a moment but it was calm. Nino was playing the piano and you could hear some violins and cellos. The lyrics... It was so beautiful that it made me cry. It was like a confession. Talking about a hidden love, explaining how you couldn't tell it to this person. A sweet but deep and strong love you couldn't erase despite the fate or the life. This kindness shining in every look, every word... Does mum was right? Was it really Kazu's feelings toward me? During these two years, I thought he didn't feel anything but it was false. He hid it deep in his heart not to hurt me. He loved me? Does Kazu was loving me like that? Did these words are true? He was right when he said I never understood nor knew him. I was the most stupid and horrible person of the world. His feelings for me were so pure, so strong and beautiful... My Kazu...
Those times when you smiled gently at me, that place where we were together.
That is the thing that is the most important to me
So important, it makes me want to cry.
The days when I said that to myself, I couldn't tell you.
...I wonder why I couldn't say it to you?
Rather than that thing that we look up at in the distance, you are... you are...
If it's now, I think I can say it.
You're more beautiful than a rainbow...
I listened to all the songs of the album and when the last came, my heart almost stopped. There was a note after the lyrics.
Even if tomorrow you're not by my side, I won't regret anything because I was able to love someone as strong as I love you. These are these things I never told you. My biggest regret because it's more painful when the person you love more than anything thinks you're just using her. These songs are my feelings, these words are what I've always felt for you but never told you. It started when I saw you at this party and it will never stop because my love for you is indestructible and your beautiful smile will always follow me wherever I go. There were so many things I wanted to tell you but no need to speak uselessly because the most important is this one: I love you.
What is right? What is wrong?
So I said, "it's okay"
Those words were erasing myself
That was what I was most afraid of
Yell with all your might "I'm here!" like it's proof of yourself
We are not that weak But we're not that strong either
That's why it's okay to cry There's nothing to be embarrassed about
Only people who have a tomorrow can do it Because it's the signal of going to that tomorrow
Crying Searching Falling down Crying again
That's how you become an adult
Afraid of getting hurt
If I always try not to cry, I won't be able to laugh
When I realized I was alone, I was scared
That's when your voice came, so gentle it hurt
If I cry, then you'll say, "You're a crybaby"
When I tried to say, "You are too," I relaxed and laughed
Like always, messing around and arguing
Don't say it's nostalgic right now Tightly hold onto the "now" that's there
Look, breathe in and out You're living
Walking one step at a time Just that is enough
It's alright, we'll always be here
So try confessing everything
Come on, you should stand tall and say it
"That is us"
I hugged the pillow against me, crying loudly. It hurt. It hurt so damn much and I wanted to die. Why? Why did he never tell me? Why did he act like an asshole during these two years if he loved me?
"Why?" I sobbed, burying my face in the pillow. Why did you hurt us like that, Kazu. So many years spoiled, so much suffering, so many words we didn't mean and so many things we wanted to tell each other.
"Because I was afraid." Nino's voice made me jump.
"Kazu..."
"I fell in love with you at the second I saw you at Masaki's party. You were so beautiful with your chubby cheeks and these cute pouty lips. It was the first time I was feeling that except with Jun. Do you remember what happened after?"
"I... We kept sleeping together and..."
"And one day I found you. You see, I didn't bear this first time when I saw you in this state. At this time, I thought you were only sleeping with me for fun, that for you, I wasn't more than a good friend who made you forget the horrible reality of your life."
"Why?! Why do you think I dated Sho?!" I asked angrily. "Of course I had feelings for him at the beginning but why? Because I was trying to erase this fucking love I was feeling for you!" Nino looked at me with surprised eyes.
"How could I know it, you never told me."Nino frowned.
"But why did you give up on me so easily?!"
"I forbid you to say that! I fought, Satoshi!! I fought every single day to show you you were my everything but... But life is unfair, life forced me to give up!"
"Eh?"
"You can't imagine how much I suffered when I found you in our apartment and realized this bastard had raped you! It destroyed me!"
"I know, I suffered a lot, but why..."
"I've killed a man for God's sake, Satoshi!!!!" My eyes widened in shocked. Tears were rolling down Kazu's cheeks like a waterfall. "I killed a man. A human. For you. I killed him, I seduced him and I killed this little shit that had hurt you!" Kazu sobbed.
"I..."
"Don't say I gave up easily on you when I killed a man! Even if he was a bastard and deserved it, I'm living with his death, with the fact I took a life with my own hands! I chose to become a monster for you, Satoshi, I've sacrificed my life and my mind because you were the only thing that made me feel as if I deserved to live!" Kazu broke down, falling on his knees and crying loudly.
"Kazu..."
"I made many mistakes in my life but even if killing this man was something unforgivable, I never regretted it because it was to save you! I thought after that that I would be able to forget, to finally tell you my feelings but you....you did something I couldn't forgive..."
"What..."
"I killed a man for you and several months later, I found you at hospital because you had made a suicide attempt! I understood this day that we weren't meant to be together." Nino whispered, looking at the ground, his nails sinking in the wood.
"Why?" I asked weakly.
"Because we were already destroying each other, Satoshi. We were only living through the pain of the other and despite all my love for you, you tried to leave me... Even I couldn't make you live peacefully. Our pasts were haunting us and to survive through all this pain, we were supporting each other. We never healed our wounds, Satoshi, we just built a wall between the past and the reality. We built a wall to escape from what we had to face since the beginning. You, with your parents and Naruse and I with my murder and what happened at my 17 years old. To heal your scars and not live on a lie, you have to face the reality and to accept it, not to convince yourself everything is fine and you just have to spread a sheet on what happened. But we were exactly like that. I was bearing my night terrors and never found the courage to face it because I was scared and at the same time, it was a way to keep you for myself..." Kazu chuckled.
"What?"
"Everybody thinks you are the one who is selfish but it's false. I'm the worst. I also used these night terrors to keep you by my side. It was the only way to have your full attention, to have a part of your heart. I said I was feeling guilty for Sho but today, I realize it was a lie. I wanted you for myself and the only thing that made you come back to me was my night terrors."
"But you didn't fake it..."
"No. But it's one of the reasons for why I refused to see a psychologist and face my past. I was scared, of course but in this darkness that was eating me, you were my light. You were the only link between the reality and the world. There is a thin line between madness and sanity. One day, someone said that sometimes we carry madness in our hands. It was my case. It was me. I was using you..." Nino sobbed.
"I was too." I said after a while.
"Eh?"
"You're the only person who saw the real me this day. In one second, you saw my scars, my wounds and my pains. There was this bond between us, this mysterious link that was making us face tomorrow. But, Kazu, this suicide attempt, I did it because of you." I kneeled down and stroked his wet cheek.
"What?"
"Even if I didn't know you had killed Ryo, I knew you were here to protect me. You were reassuring me, taking care of me, made me feel loved. You also were my everything, Kazu. As long as you were here, I didn't need anything else because in one second, in one look, you could read me. And then, you left."
"Not forever, for some months..."
"I know but I was too fragile at this time. In a way, I was using you not to dive in darkness. And you think you are the worst?" I laughed sarcastically. "I'm maybe the most horrible person in this world. Because I was happy that you made your night terrors. Why? Because I could be by your side. I could be the most important in your eyes, even more than Jun. Because I was what you need. I was your need. When you made your night terrors, I could be with you." I said softly, stroking his cheek.
"We are using each other for nine years, made many persons suffer. We have to stop that, Satoshi." Nino whispered.
"Just a last time, Kazu. Make me feel alive just a last time." I implored through my tears.
"Let me dive into your heart." Kazu whispered, lifting me in his arms.
"I love you, Kazunari." I smiled, looking straight in his eyes.
"I love you too." Nino whispered.
"Kazu..." I stroked his cheek and kissed him. At this moment we lost the control of our bodies and Nino kissed me back roughly. I lifted one of my legs on his waist and he carried me in his arms and led us to my bedroom. Nino threw me on the bed and started to kiss my neck and lick my skin hungrily.
"You’re mine, Satoshi, only mine, baby." I smiled letting the words sink in my heart, my hand was moving lazily over Kazu's perfectly smooth chest while his hand had moved to my thigh stroking me up and down. He was so kind, so soft with me at this moment that I believed my heart would explode in happiness.
"Why are you so possessive with me?" I asked. It was something that had bewildered me since we knew each other, even if it pleaded me. I couldn’t understand why someone as wonderful as Nino wanted to be with me.
"I told you, you're mine, you've always been mine and you'll always be mine." Nino answered claiming my lips again. I sighed into the kiss deciding to let it go for now, as my body was reacting to the soft touches, when Kazu’s hand moved toward my member and began to rub it gently, his short fingers barely grazing my hardening member. Kazu smiled delighted that I was getting so quickly hard, he broke the kiss his lips trailing down my chin, neck, chest and then stomach, his teeth marking my body as he proved that it was his.
Kazu gave a chuckle before licking my member from the base to the tip and kissed the tip a few times, until my hips started to buck wanting to be inside of this wonderful mouth, Nino finally got the hint and parted his lips, covering my member and giving it a hard suck. I moaned loudly my eyes rolling back into my head as my back arched forcing myself deeper into that wonderful wet mouth. As his mouth did amazing things to my member, Kazu’s hands were searching for the lube, I wanted to help him but I was lost in the pleasure and unable to do anything but moan loudly.
There was a soft click informing me that Kazu had found the lube and I spread my legs wider as Nino released my member and kissed my lips tenderly.
"I love you." Nino whispered and I watched the beautiful expressions on his face and understood now how much he loved me at the way he was kissing, stroking every part of my body. After a long preparation where I begged him for more with loud moans, Nino pulled his fingers out quickly rubbed himself with the lube before kissing me again as he thrusted inside of me, swallowing the cry escaping my mouth. He rocked backwards and forwards working up a steady pace, my gasps getting shaper and quicker as he started to move against me, Nino reached in between us and gripped my member pumping at it while he was rubbing the tip with his thumb smearing the precum that had built up.
I was panting his name like a mantra letting him know that I was close and when Kazu angled his hips slightly to hit my secret spot, he bit on my lip hard to stifle our screams of pleasure. Nino attacked my neck for a few minutes his thrusts becoming faster making the sheets fall on the ground until my hips lifted off the bed and I released with a steady stream covering Kazu’s hand and both our stomachs. The clenching of my muscles was enough to draw out a long hard orgasm from Kazu and after his body relaxed he collapsed heavily on top of me holding me tightly panting "I love you" until we both fell into an exhausted sleep.
I yawned loudly when the sun touched my face and I struggled but two arms tightened its grip around me making me remember I was hugging Kazu. He was sleeping deeply, showing an innocent and beautiful face, his lips slightly parted, the peace shining on his face and this kindness in the way he was pressing my body against his. It felt so good, so amazing to know our veritable feelings. Kazu was right, we needed to tell these things we never tell each other. Now, my heart was beating happily and something in my mind was gone. But even if I felt good with Kazu, guilty was eating my heart for what I was doing to Sho. I love him. I really love him but yesterday, I understood how much my heart loved Kazu despite my efforts to deny it. What will I do, now? I didn't want to hurt Sho but I couldn't lie to him. Why couldn't have I both? I knew it was selfish for wanting Sho and Kazu at the same time but...
"You are thinking about Sho, aren't you?" Nino's voice made me jump. I raised my eyes and nodded. Nino sighed and stood up to take his clothes on the floor. He was so beautiful, naked. His white skin shining with the sun, his perfect butt and his back...
"Maybe yesterday night was a mistake." Nino finally said.
"What?!" I gasped.
"I mean. I loved it. It was amazing to make love with you like that but..." Nino stopped, staring at the door.
"But?"
"I know you love Sho and I don't want you to suffer nor him. I can see you are wondering how you'll talk to him and how you don't really want to break up with him. Maybe we should forget yesterday night." Nino said softly before leaving the bedroom.
I grabbed my boxer quickly and ran to the kitchen where Kazu was drinking a coffee.
"How can you say that?!" I snapped.
"I'm only trying to tell the truth, Satoshi." Nino replied calmly.
"Why? Do you regret what happened yesterday night?"
"I... Maybe." I slapped his face, tears shining in my eyes. Why was he hurting me again?
"I don't regret anything, Kazu! I loved it when you made love to me, when I felt you inside me, when you were whispering how much you loved me and kissed me so tenderly. I never felt that before. It was wonderful and I thought it was the same for you, that you didn't regret it." I cried and left the kitchen.
"Satoshi!" Nino caught my arm in the living room.
"Leave me alone, you're just a coward. I know what I want and I want you. I love Sho but I can't continue without you!"
"You don't understand. Of course I want you. I want to make love to you every day, to hug you in my arms, to kiss you and make you happy but it would mean destroying your relationship with Sho and..."Nino's voice died in his throat.
"I told you that I love you." I replied.
"Satoshi, do you realize what you are saying or are you playing the blind man on purpose?" Nino snapped, making me blink.
"What do you mean?"
"You keep repeating you love me but how do you want I believe in your beautiful words?! Shit, have you looked at yourself in a mirror recently?! You are in love with two persons. Sho who is the stability, the security and the guaranty of a calm happy life and I... I am the insecurity, I'm the dark part of your heart that you try to erase! How can I believe in you?! You are in love with a perfect boyfriend and a shit, why would you choose me?!"
"Don't ever say again that you are a shit!!" I yelled.
"And what am I, Satoshi? When you look at me, what do you see? I'm broken, I'm dead inside, you were the only one able to make me a bit beautiful but... I have too many devils, Satoshi, with me, it will be hard, I have none self-confidence even if I play the arrogant brat. I'm scared about many things and I'm weak. You need someone strong, Satoshi, someone able to protect you and Sho is perfect for that. I don't want you to choose me and to realize in one or two years that I wasn't the good one. That Sho was a better choice. You don't even know what you want yourself, how would I be able to believe you and to belong to you? I've suffered enough, Satoshi and I don't want you to scratch my heart again because you're not sure."
I looked at him with sad eyes and grabbed his nape.
"Kiss me." I replied with serious eyes. Kazu looked at me and caught my lips. I wrapped my arms around his neck while he was pressing our bodies together, deepening the kiss. I moaned loudly between our lips and Kazu released me.
"I love you, Kazu." I smiled but stared at him with determinate eyes.
"Me too but..." I cut him off by kissing him again, my hand slipping under his shirt to stroke his soft skin, making him shiver.
"Shut up." I whispered, taking his lower lip between my teeth.
"Okay." Kazu smiled and kissed my jaw to my neck slowly and tenderly. A cough made us jump and we turned our head to see my parents on the sofa with uncomfortable faces.
"Mom..." I blushed, moving back.
"Sorry but as you two were in front of the door we couldn't leave the living room and didn't want to cut you." My father said softly.
"I'm sorry, Ohno-san!" Nino bowed deeply, as red as a tomato.
"It's okay but I would like to talk to my son." My father smiled. I nodded and followed him in his office.
"Satoshi, do you realize what you are doing?" My father asked after a while.
"I'm sorry for making a scene in your house, I won't do it again, papa." I bowed.
"I wasn't talking about that and you know it."
"I..." I stopped. What could I say?
"You know, I met your mother when I was 18 and I fell in love with her at first sight. She was smart, beautiful, kind and always had this smile on her face. We married at 23 and Mina and you came after. I never felt so happy before. I had your mother and you. The three most important persons of my life. We went through hard things, fought and almost broke up but you and Mina always were the reason why I stayed. Because your faces were remembering me how much you and your mother were precious to me. I heard what happened between you and Nino. I know you love Sakurai too but you have to make a choice and I want you to be sure you'll take the good decision and won't make them suffer for nothing." My father said softly.
"I know. But whatever my choice will be, I'll suffer because I love them both." I whispered.
"Yes, it's true but when you are closing your eyes, who are you seeing? When you feel bad and sad, who are you thinking about? It's what you have to think. Who is always occupying your mind and your heart when everything is dark? On who you can rely on? Who can protect you?" My father smiled.
"I..."
"Don't tell me, just, make a quick choice you won't regret. Tell Sho your real feelings for him and also with Kazu. You will always be welcome here and you can stay as long as you want to take a decision." My father cut me off and patted my shoulder before leaving the office.
What could I do? I needed some time alone to be sure.
****
"I'll leave you alone. You need some time." Nino whispered in my ear when I joined him in the living room.
"Kazu..." I raised my eyes shyly.
"Take a decision and don't forget I love you even if you reject me. But I want you to listen to me. Don't come to me if you have just a little doubt. I want you to be sure at 100%, not to regret your decision in some years. Be honest with yourself before wanting to start something with Sho or me. I'm not an easy person to love and live with and I can't promise you everything will be perfect but I can promise something. I've never stopped loving you since this day and will never. I'm not an easy person but I'll give you everything I have, that's why I don't want you to be unsure because I don't want to suffer anymore. I'm tired of that and I want to heal my scars and build a new peaceful life.
I'll be at my apartment if you need me, you have the key." Nino kissed me tenderly, stroking my hair and my cheek and left the house.
****
I spent two weeks in my parent's house. I wasn't only trying to take a decision, I was spending some time with them. I needed to be with my family after all these years. I followed my father's advice and understood. Despite my love for Kazu and Sho, there was only one of them always in my mind when I felt bad. Only one in my heart when everything was dark and only one of them where I always felt in security.
Sho.
I always felt safe in his arms because I knew his love for me. He was responsible, kind and smart. When I was with him, I felt I was with my man, with someone I could count on. We shared so many wonderful moments together and I couldn't forget that. I loved him.
The next day, I left my parent's house and took a taxi to come back home.
"Satoshi!!" Sho exclaimed when he saw me.
"Tadaima." I smiled. He had lost lots of weight and had big shadow under his eyes.
"I missed you so much, babe." Sho cried, stroking my cheek and kissing my lips hungrily.
"Me too. Sho, I have something important to tell you." I whispered between our kisses.
"Later, babe. I want you so much." Sho lifted me up in his arms and led me in our bedroom.
He was different. Rougher but still soft. He striped me quickly and prepared me in a record. Sho made love to me the whole afternoon, making me scream his name in pleasure and taking me in every room of our apartment. Every time I was walking in a room, for example in the kitchen to drink some water, he was pushing me against the wall or on a table and fucked me roughly. It was new for both of us. I liked it when he was wild because for once in his life he lost his self-control, this calm and responsible appearance. He was another person.
"What did you want to tell me?"
"I have to be honest with you, Sho."
"What?" Sho frowned worriedly.
"When you had your accident and stayed in coma, I thought I would die." I started, tears filling my eyes.
"But it's over my love." Sho smiled, hugging me but I pushed him away softly.
"Let me finish. I was lost and my heart was bleeding. I was visiting you everyday and talked to you during lots of hours. But after one year, your father asked me not to come back again."
"What?!!"
"He told me I was destroying myself and your family by staying with you every time and crying for many hours. So, he asked me not to come back again." I whispered.
"I'll kill him!" Sho almost yelled.
"Wait, Sho, let me finish. I was lonely and so sad not to be able to kiss and see you. And Kazu was there. One night, while we were drunk, he kissed me and we made love together." I lowered my head, ashamed.
"You...you made love with him..." Sho repeated, as pale as a ghost.
To be continued…
A/N: So, next time will be the last chapter! I can't believe this fic is already almost over xD At the beginning I wanted to post two chapters per months but as in your lovely comments you asked for more... xD
So, I don't really know what I can say about this chapter xD I think it's one of the most cruel because of what happens between Kazu and Ohchan xD I hope you understand a bit more our Satoshi who, even if he didn't act well during all these years, was only lost and scared about his deep feelings for his Kazu xD In fact, they were stupidely hurting each other instead of talking about what they felt and about their fears, you can now, understand fully the title of this story, because many things are spoiled, many lives are broken when you keep in your heart too many secrets ^^
In the last chapter, you will know about Ohchan's decision ^^ I'm sorry for the one who won't have the end they wanted but this fic is pretty hard to end because I don't want to hurt my babies xD I'll try to post the last chapter next week but I'm not sure because as I didn't like what I'd written, I erased the chapter and I have to re-write it now xD See you soon and as always, comments are <3