All these things we don't tell each other (18/19)
Title: All these things we don't tell each other
Author: MatsuAurore
Banner: Lilisan31
Pairings: Yama, Ohmiya
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Au, romance, drama, angst
Disclaimer: If I owned them, I would keep the sex parts for me xD
Summary: What can you do when the person you love more than your own life is only looking at your best friend? What can you do when you know this person would never see you like you see her? And if your biggest wish came true but at the same time, getting close to her also meant pushing her farther from you...
Chapter 18:
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
Kazu
"Tadaima!" I exclaimed while entering the apartment. I took my shoes off and stopped next to Yume's aquarium to stroke its head. Jun's little shark let me do happily. "At least, there is someone happy to see me." I mumbled.
"Kazu!!" Air left my lungs when a strong chest hit me and two arms wrapped my body.
"Shit, JunJun, I told you to stop sports, you have too much abs." I groaned, stroking my chest painfully.
"And how will I stay the model number 1 of the magazines?" Jun smirked.
"Even without any muscles, they would keep this sexy butt of yours." I slapped his ass playfully.
"Oi, don't touch my boyfriend, brat!"Aiba appeared with a teasing frown, wrapping his lover possessively in his arms.
"At least, there is someone who should enjoy your muscles, JunJun!" I stuck my tongueout childishly.
"Don't call me like that!"
"Why Aiba can, then?"
"Masaki offers me his butt every day, it's not your case." Jun smirked, stroking Aiba's butt with a suggestive smile.
"I can if you want." I chuckled, enjoying how Aiba was blanking.
"No thanks, I don't sleep with teenagers."
"Oi, I'm two months older than you!" I hate when people told about my teenager face, it made me feel as if I was just a child and Jun knew it perfectly.
"On the paper, Kazu, on the paper."
"Baka!" I exclaimed while taking the beer in his hand and sitting on the sofa. "Don't worry, Masaki, I don't sleep with girls, I'm totally gay." I decided to attack Jun's biggest weakness. Even if he needed sports for his work, I knew he also did it because he had always hated his too feminine body, especially his thin hips.
"Oi, I'm a man!" Jun slapped my head with his fucking rings that I hated, but I deserved it this time.
"On the paper, Junny, on the paper." I replied.
"Believe me, he is a man, my butt remembers this fact every day."Aiba said with a dramatic face.
"I'm not that horrible." Jun pouted.
"You're a God in bed but also the biggest sadist of Japan."
"I know some things that Jun loves in bed and believe me, in these moments, he isn't a sadist anymore." I smirked.
"Oi, don't give him ideas!!"
"Really?! I want to know!!"Aiba exclaimed happily.
"He will eat over your hand after that and if you are good enough, it will be his pretty ass that will suffer."
"Kazunari Ninomiya!!!" Oh oh, when Jun called me like that, it wasn't a good sign for me.
"Hey, I want to save you boyfriend's butt from your sadist cock, that's all." I protested.
"He loves my sadist dick, so, shut up!"
"In fact, Jun is often pretty sweet in bed."Aiba chuckled.
"Lucky you, he wasn't with me." I mumbled as Jun was blushing deeply, his image of sadist number 1 in Japan disappearing in some seconds.
"To stop this annoying subject, what are you doing here?" Jun asked.
"I left Toshi alone at his parent's place." I shrugged.
"How was it?"
"They talked a lot. I think this accident is behind them, now. Satoshi can live peacefully." I smiled.
"Because of you." Jun stroked my cheek softly.
"Nah, because of his courage to confront them. They were waiting for him with impatience. I'm glad they fixed everything,Toshi was suffering for a too long time. He isn't alone anymore, now."
"But why did he stay? Sho is with him?"Aiba asked.
"Ano... Sho left before me some days ago..." I looked away, feeling guilty.
"Kazu..."Jun's eyes widened and I understood he knew what happened.
"Well, we slept together..."
"How could you do that to Sho?!"Aiba yelled.
"It's wasn't planned! We talked, I told him everything, all my feelings, what I did for him and...and it happened. He kissed me and we made love." Despite my shame, a stupid grin spread my lips. "It was amazing. Like when we slept together ten years ago."
"But Sho..."
"Masaki!! Satoshi isn't a baby you have to defend. Kazu didn't force him, it's not him you should blame!" Jun snapped.
"But he is right, I'm a horrible friend." I sighed.
"What happened then?"
"I pushed him away."
"Eh? Why?!"
"Because he deserves so much better and he doesn't even know what he wants himself. I know by choosing me, I'll be the one who will suffer in some years because he will regret his choice."
"He loves you, Kazu. Have you seen how life always broke you two apart and how it never worked. Every time you end together. You think you aren't meant to be together after what happened but I'll tell you one thing. It's because of what happened that you are meant to be together. It's the proof you can't be separated. You need each other to be happy and it is fate."
"He loves Sho, Jun!" I snapped, refusing even the tiny hope he was offering me.
"No, he loves the security that Sho gives him!"
"Jun!"Aiba snapped.
"It's true! Why would he always come back to you if it wasn't the truth?! You two met at Masa's party, you started a relationship, then, things happened and broke you apart a first time. Satoshi met Sho and dated him but he was sleeping at your place several nights per week because of your night terrors. Then, Sho fell in coma and you two started to date AGAIN. Sho woke up and Sato came back to him but with the mistake of the beach, Satoshi needed you and slept with you AGAIN. Are you blind or stupid, Kazu? He always comes back to you in the end!"
"And he always comes back to Sho after. I know him more than myself, Jun. I let him the choice when I left him today but I know he will come back to Sho. I'm not completely stupid, Jun. I won't let him break my heart again because he doesn't need me." I chuckled.
"How do you want he chooses you if you give up now?!!!"
"Because I'm tired, Jun. I want to forget the past and start a new life." I sighed, stroking my eyes.
"I thought you loved Satoshi but I was false, then."
"How can you..."
"Say that?" Jun smirked. "Easy. You did so many things for Satoshi but how did you want to have something in return when you never told him your feelings?! You treated him like a sex toy for three fucking years, Kazu!! How did you want he realized you loved him?! It's also your fault! And now, you know that he loves you, you want to give up when it's the perfect moment to act and make him choose you."
"I'm not strong like Sho."
"Stop to always comparing you to Sho! You're strong, Kazu! After all the things you went through, you're still here, alive and smiling! Sho never went through half of the traumas you handled. You're strong, Kazu. You're courageous and confronted things that not many people confronted. You said Sato and you were destroying each other but now, you are the one who is destroying yourself. It's the moment to fight for him, Kazu! Not later, not before but now! Don't give up! You said you know Sato more than yourself but I know you more than myself and I know Satoshi is what you need in your life to be happy!"
"I don't know what to do. I'm lost." I whispered.
"Make him understand he needs you more than Sho. Make him realize he can be sure of your feelings and that you are the only one who can make him truly happy. If you want to have him, be yourself, Kazu. Satoshi fell for the true Kazu. For the brat you are but also for you kindness and your funny side. He fell for this big heart that you are desperately trying to hide behind your sharp tongue. Make him understand he can be the only one able to have this big and beautiful heart. Use your biggest skill. Use your words."
"I told him I've killed Naruse." I whispered.
"And?"
"Jun, are you stupid?! I killed a man, how do you want Satoshi choose me?! He must be scared of me, or I must disgust him!"
"So much that he made love with you. Stop with your lame excuses, Kazu. You're just scared of the fact that you could be happy."
"Maybe..."
"Sho is my friend but you are a part of me, Kazu and will always be the first priority in my life, even if this friend is my boyfriend's best friend." Jun threw an apologetic look to his lover who only smiled and nodded, showing him he understood.
"Okay." I finally said.
"Hun?"
"I'll show him I am the one he needs to be happy." I stated with determinate eyes.
"I'm proud of you, Kazu." Jun wrapped me in his arms to kiss my temple.
Satoshi
"You slept with Nino?" Sho whispered with a white face.
"Yes. I started to date him if you could really call that a relationship. He was sleeping with other men but I was allowed to stay with him and it prevented me to become insane."
"You were still dating him when I woke up?"Sho asked softly.
"Yes. But when you called me, I immediately ran to the hospital and it was obvious I would come back to you."
"But?"
"But Kazu told me he was in love with me since the day we met." I lowered my head, staring at my hands.
"I know."
"What?!" I looked at him with surprised eyes and Sho smiled softly even if I could see the sadness in his eyes.
"It's obvious he is in love with you. And I know you love him. You always were here for each other and went through hard things together, it's normal to feel more than friendship for him, babe."Sho patted my head kindly.
"But..."
"Do you love me?"
"Of course I do!"
"Then, it's enough for me."Sho stroked my cheek tenderly, bringing tears in my eyes. I really didn't deserve him.
"I slept with him two weeks ago."Sho froze. He looked at me with hurt eyes and lowered his hand.
"Why?"
"Because I wanted him. I...love him and I wanted to be sure, to... I'm so sorry Sho!" I burst into tears.
"Did you enjoy it..."Sho stammered, walking to the fridge to take a beer.
"I..."
"Be honest, Satoshi, you owe me the truth."Sho snapped, drinking his can.
"I... Yes." I whispered.
"I need to be alone."Sho replied coldly.
"But Sho, I..."
"Get out!!"Sho yelled.
"Alright. I wanted to be honest with you, Sho...to be sure but... I understand why you hate me but...sorry..." I stammered and walked in our bedroom to pack my belongings. I cried so much. I never cried so much in my whole life. "I love you." I said to my boyfriend before leaving our apartment.
It hurt so damn much but I knew I deserved it. I ran, tears rolling down my cheeks. I knew what I had to do now. All this had to stop. I had to stop this suffering even if it meant I would suffer for the rest of my life...
****
"Sho?" Nino blinked when he saw his friend in front of Jun's door.
"Everything is your fault!!"Sho yelled and punched Nino's face who fell on the ground, shocked.
"Sho but..."
"How did you dare to fuck my boyfriend, bastard!"Sho shouted, grabbing Nino's collar to hit him again.
Sho, stop that!" Jun yelled, pushing him away.
"Let me hit his fucking face! This bastard slept with Satoshi!"Sho screamed, trying to pull out but Jun tightened his grip around him.
"I'm sorry, Sho. I didn't want to hurt you but..."
"Shut up!!! I hate you, bastard! You're nothing for me anymore, don't show your bitch's face again in front of me!!"
"Sho, stop, you're drunk." Jun whispered.
"I don't care, Jun! Where is Satoshi, give me back my lover and don't you dare approaching him again, son of bitch!"Sho threw a cold look to Nino.
"He isn't here." Jun said.
"What?"Sho froze.
"He wasn't with you?" Nino gasped.
"I asked him to leave...but I just needed to be alone for a moment..."Sho whispered, his anger fading in one second.
"I hope for you nothing happened to him." Nino said in a dangerous voice.
"Call him!"Sho replied.
"I'm falling on his vocal box." Jun said and closed his phone.
"Shit!!! If something happens to him, I'll kill you Sakurai!" Nino yelled and left Jun's apartment.
****
I threw a last glance in Kazu's apartment and left, his notebook in my hands.
"I'm so sorry, Kazu." I whispered a last time.
When I sat down on my seat, I opened the notebook and started to read, tears filling my eyes.
June
Dear diary,
One week ago, I met someone at Aiba's party. He is so beautiful and cute with his chubby cheeks and his sleepy face. We made love in the bathroom and to be honest, I never felt that before, it was amazing... I think it's love at first sight... So sappy xD Look, (Ohno is on the left) I took a photo during an afternoon at Aiba's place, isn't he cute?
I think I won't be able to date someone else, now.
Kazunari
I chuckled when I saw the picture. Kazu was so stupid sometimes! I turned the page and continued.
July
Dear diary,
I haven't seen Satoshi for one month because of my summer tour. I miss him so damn much! I miss his smile when I'm cooking his favorite food, his shining eyes when I tell him I'll bring him to the beach, his cute chubby face, his fingers on my body, his mouth on mine, his moans when I make love to him with all my feelings, the way his whispers my name when I am inside him. It's so hard to be far away from him. I love him so much. I love this kindness, this sadness in his eyes. I know something happened to him, I can see it. He is suffering and I want to help him, to make him happy! Look, J took this picture after we went to a bar with him and Aiba and kept drinking in the car xD I love his haircut, he is so cute and his smile...
Kazunari
August,
Dear diary,
I wrote many songs about what I feel for Satoshi. I can't tell him the truth because I'm sure he doesn't love someone like me. That's why I'll write my feelings in this notebook and maybe one day, I'll be able to tell him how my heart is beating for him. When I came back from my live tour, there was this weird atmosphere between us. The last time I saw him, we slept together... Satoshi seemed uncomfortable and it makes me believe he really doesn't like me. I love to spend time with him. I always feel relax and as if I knew him for a long time. He told me he saw my concert in Tokyo and I never felt so happy before. Satoshi said he loved it and I almost kissed him when he smiled softly, his eyes showing to me how he enjoyed it. We did so many things together during my "holidays". In one week we went to the cinema, the zoo, museum and to the park for picnics. He showed me his paintings, they were so amazing! These moments together heal my heart. There is this bond between us that I can't explain, as if we were two souls from the same body. As if we were meant to be together to survive.
Here, we were at Jun's last party. As always, Satoshi was drunk and jumped on my back. We laughed so much when I fell because I was drunk too. Satoshi stole my beer and I chased him in the whole house to throw him in the bathtube and water him. I can't stop smiling when I remember how he made me fall on top of him and we ended up wet and kissing with passion while water was still falling on our bodies. So beautiful memory, I will never forget it.
I laughed nervously. I remembered this night. The next day, I had many bruises on my ass because Kazu fell. I won't forget this night too, my Kazu.
September
Dear diary,
I have one week before leaving Tokyo. I have a new tour but in Asia and I won't see Toshi for one month. I'll miss him so much! I know him for three months now and I never felt so happy before. Satoshi learned for my night terrors and he just hugged me tightly, saying he will always be here for me. It was the first time I was crying in front of someone else than Jun. I'm so happy you accept me, my Sa-chan but I would like you to tell me what is making you suffer so much, what is making you cry in your sleep. Tell me, my love, tell me what is destroying you like that to allow me to comfort you or appease your heart.
J took this picture, he teased us, saying we looked like a couple xD I wish it could be true. See how Sato's smile is so cute! Did I ever tell you how much I love his hands? His artist's hands. This day was so funny, we made shopping but Toshi didn't buy anything because he couldn't choose. This chubby man is so stupid sometimes! XD
Kazu
October,
Dear diary,
Something happened when I came back from Taiwan. Jun called me and said Toshi was at hospital because he made a suicide attempt. When he told me, I thought my heart will stop. Why? Why does Sato tried to kill himself? When I rushed in his bedroom, he looked so weak. He had lost many weight and had big shadowsunder his eyes. I immediately cried when I saw him so fragile. Satoshi... Baby... Don't harm yourself again because I can't live without you. I'll support you now, even if I have to stop my work. You're the most important for me. The only thing that keep me alive.
Aren't we cute here? I love this picture, it reminds me how precious Satoshi is for me. We look like a couple and I like that. It was before his suicide attempt, before he tried to leave me...
Kazu
November,
Dear diary,
Yesterday, we met one of Masa's friends. Sakurai Sho. He is kind but I hate how he is looking at Toshi. Toshi is mine!!! He is eating him with his eyes and I can't bear it. Luckily, Sato doesn't seem to like him. I hope he will never like him. Sato is recovering slowly. He told me his past and it killed me when I learned how he was suffering. My poor Sato, I wish to be able to erase this pain and guilt of your beautiful heart! I love you so much but I can't make you feel better, I'm so useless!
When I'm seeing this picture, I wonder if there is something between Sho and Satoshi... He is so cute but I hate seeing Sho next to him even if Sho is a really good friend for me...
January,
Dear diary,
I didn't write for a long time, now but something happened. Satoshi is dating Sho... I want to scream my pain and kill myself for letting him to Sho but... Toshi will be happy with him, more than with me who is bothering him with my trauma. It's so painful but I have to bear it, to support them. So, I'll keep my fake smiles when they will kiss in front of me. I want to die!!!!
I hate how with just one look, you can see how much they love each other!!!!
Kazu
April,
Dear diary,
I think I'll die soon because of this pain. I never made so horrible night terrors before. Satoshi is always here to calm me down but he doesn't understand how it hurts me at the same time, knowing he won't stay the morning in my arms, knowing he will kiss and make love with Showhen he will come back home. Why can't I erase my deep love for him? Why can't I see another man than him? Why can't I break this bond between us?! Please, Kami-sama, make me die!!! Kill me!!! Stop this horrible pain in my heart!!! Make me forget him!!!!
Why do I continue to look at his pictures? Why can't I throw it?
Here, at our last dinner together with Jun and his boyfriend, Masaki. Now, I'll stop writing because it makes me suffer even more. I'll try to move on and forget him not to spoil his relationship and his happiness.
Satoshi, even if you are with Sho, I'll pray for your happiness and will try to forget you. I love you. More than anything.... More than the life itself... You're my everything, the reason why I am still alive today...
I love you, my love.
Your Kazu
I released the notebook, crying. Kazu... My Kazu... If I knew I was making you suffer like that, I would have never dated Shoand confessed to you. But now, it was too late. I made you and Sho suffer and the last solution was this one. I hope you will be happy without me, Kazu...
****
"Where is he for the fucking sake!!" Nino yelled for the nth time.
"I don't know, he is rejecting my calls." Jun groaned.
"Maybe Aiba knows where he is."Sho proposed.
"I'm calling him, now." Jun nodded and called his boyfriend the second after. "Babe, it's me, do you know where Toshi is, he has disappeared!"
"....."
"What?!!!" Jun shouted in the phone.
"...."
"Why didn't you call me before?!!" Jun yelled and closed his phone.
"Jun? Where is he?" Nino asked with panic.
"He is gone." Jun whispered.
"What do you mean?"
"He left Tokyo one hour ago."
"Eh?!Where?!" Nino shouted.
"He refused to tell where he was going but Masa said he took the plane..." Jun sighed.
"We have to find him!" Nino decided.
"No, Kazu, we don't know where he is going and plus, I think he needs to be alone for a while." Jun stopped his friend.
"I don't care! I love him, I don't want he makes a mistake! I won’t lose him ever again!" Nino pushed Jun away and left the apartment quickly.Sho looked at Jun who shook his head sadly.
“If he thinks I’m going to give up now and let him Satoshi, he is wrong!” The older said in a determinate voice before slamming the apartment’s door behind him.
“This is going to end badly…” Jun sighed.
To be continued…
A/N: Please don’t hate me nor kill me T.T I know this fic had 18 chapters but ideas came and as the final chapter was too long, I had to add another chapter, that’s why I post this chapter sooner xD If everything goes like I want, this story will end at the chapter 19 but I can’t promise anything, I’ll just try to do my best not to make you wait too long ^^ Sorry again for that and for this nasty cut xD as always, comments are <3
Author: MatsuAurore
Banner: Lilisan31
Pairings: Yama, Ohmiya
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Au, romance, drama, angst
Disclaimer: If I owned them, I would keep the sex parts for me xD
Summary: What can you do when the person you love more than your own life is only looking at your best friend? What can you do when you know this person would never see you like you see her? And if your biggest wish came true but at the same time, getting close to her also meant pushing her farther from you...
Chapter 18:
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
Kazu
"Tadaima!" I exclaimed while entering the apartment. I took my shoes off and stopped next to Yume's aquarium to stroke its head. Jun's little shark let me do happily. "At least, there is someone happy to see me." I mumbled.
"Kazu!!" Air left my lungs when a strong chest hit me and two arms wrapped my body.
"Shit, JunJun, I told you to stop sports, you have too much abs." I groaned, stroking my chest painfully.
"And how will I stay the model number 1 of the magazines?" Jun smirked.
"Even without any muscles, they would keep this sexy butt of yours." I slapped his ass playfully.
"Oi, don't touch my boyfriend, brat!"Aiba appeared with a teasing frown, wrapping his lover possessively in his arms.
"At least, there is someone who should enjoy your muscles, JunJun!" I stuck my tongueout childishly.
"Don't call me like that!"
"Why Aiba can, then?"
"Masaki offers me his butt every day, it's not your case." Jun smirked, stroking Aiba's butt with a suggestive smile.
"I can if you want." I chuckled, enjoying how Aiba was blanking.
"No thanks, I don't sleep with teenagers."
"Oi, I'm two months older than you!" I hate when people told about my teenager face, it made me feel as if I was just a child and Jun knew it perfectly.
"On the paper, Kazu, on the paper."
"Baka!" I exclaimed while taking the beer in his hand and sitting on the sofa. "Don't worry, Masaki, I don't sleep with girls, I'm totally gay." I decided to attack Jun's biggest weakness. Even if he needed sports for his work, I knew he also did it because he had always hated his too feminine body, especially his thin hips.
"Oi, I'm a man!" Jun slapped my head with his fucking rings that I hated, but I deserved it this time.
"On the paper, Junny, on the paper." I replied.
"Believe me, he is a man, my butt remembers this fact every day."Aiba said with a dramatic face.
"I'm not that horrible." Jun pouted.
"You're a God in bed but also the biggest sadist of Japan."
"I know some things that Jun loves in bed and believe me, in these moments, he isn't a sadist anymore." I smirked.
"Oi, don't give him ideas!!"
"Really?! I want to know!!"Aiba exclaimed happily.
"He will eat over your hand after that and if you are good enough, it will be his pretty ass that will suffer."
"Kazunari Ninomiya!!!" Oh oh, when Jun called me like that, it wasn't a good sign for me.
"Hey, I want to save you boyfriend's butt from your sadist cock, that's all." I protested.
"He loves my sadist dick, so, shut up!"
"In fact, Jun is often pretty sweet in bed."Aiba chuckled.
"Lucky you, he wasn't with me." I mumbled as Jun was blushing deeply, his image of sadist number 1 in Japan disappearing in some seconds.
"To stop this annoying subject, what are you doing here?" Jun asked.
"I left Toshi alone at his parent's place." I shrugged.
"How was it?"
"They talked a lot. I think this accident is behind them, now. Satoshi can live peacefully." I smiled.
"Because of you." Jun stroked my cheek softly.
"Nah, because of his courage to confront them. They were waiting for him with impatience. I'm glad they fixed everything,Toshi was suffering for a too long time. He isn't alone anymore, now."
"But why did he stay? Sho is with him?"Aiba asked.
"Ano... Sho left before me some days ago..." I looked away, feeling guilty.
"Kazu..."Jun's eyes widened and I understood he knew what happened.
"Well, we slept together..."
"How could you do that to Sho?!"Aiba yelled.
"It's wasn't planned! We talked, I told him everything, all my feelings, what I did for him and...and it happened. He kissed me and we made love." Despite my shame, a stupid grin spread my lips. "It was amazing. Like when we slept together ten years ago."
"But Sho..."
"Masaki!! Satoshi isn't a baby you have to defend. Kazu didn't force him, it's not him you should blame!" Jun snapped.
"But he is right, I'm a horrible friend." I sighed.
"What happened then?"
"I pushed him away."
"Eh? Why?!"
"Because he deserves so much better and he doesn't even know what he wants himself. I know by choosing me, I'll be the one who will suffer in some years because he will regret his choice."
"He loves you, Kazu. Have you seen how life always broke you two apart and how it never worked. Every time you end together. You think you aren't meant to be together after what happened but I'll tell you one thing. It's because of what happened that you are meant to be together. It's the proof you can't be separated. You need each other to be happy and it is fate."
"He loves Sho, Jun!" I snapped, refusing even the tiny hope he was offering me.
"No, he loves the security that Sho gives him!"
"Jun!"Aiba snapped.
"It's true! Why would he always come back to you if it wasn't the truth?! You two met at Masa's party, you started a relationship, then, things happened and broke you apart a first time. Satoshi met Sho and dated him but he was sleeping at your place several nights per week because of your night terrors. Then, Sho fell in coma and you two started to date AGAIN. Sho woke up and Sato came back to him but with the mistake of the beach, Satoshi needed you and slept with you AGAIN. Are you blind or stupid, Kazu? He always comes back to you in the end!"
"And he always comes back to Sho after. I know him more than myself, Jun. I let him the choice when I left him today but I know he will come back to Sho. I'm not completely stupid, Jun. I won't let him break my heart again because he doesn't need me." I chuckled.
"How do you want he chooses you if you give up now?!!!"
"Because I'm tired, Jun. I want to forget the past and start a new life." I sighed, stroking my eyes.
"I thought you loved Satoshi but I was false, then."
"How can you..."
"Say that?" Jun smirked. "Easy. You did so many things for Satoshi but how did you want to have something in return when you never told him your feelings?! You treated him like a sex toy for three fucking years, Kazu!! How did you want he realized you loved him?! It's also your fault! And now, you know that he loves you, you want to give up when it's the perfect moment to act and make him choose you."
"I'm not strong like Sho."
"Stop to always comparing you to Sho! You're strong, Kazu! After all the things you went through, you're still here, alive and smiling! Sho never went through half of the traumas you handled. You're strong, Kazu. You're courageous and confronted things that not many people confronted. You said Sato and you were destroying each other but now, you are the one who is destroying yourself. It's the moment to fight for him, Kazu! Not later, not before but now! Don't give up! You said you know Sato more than yourself but I know you more than myself and I know Satoshi is what you need in your life to be happy!"
"I don't know what to do. I'm lost." I whispered.
"Make him understand he needs you more than Sho. Make him realize he can be sure of your feelings and that you are the only one who can make him truly happy. If you want to have him, be yourself, Kazu. Satoshi fell for the true Kazu. For the brat you are but also for you kindness and your funny side. He fell for this big heart that you are desperately trying to hide behind your sharp tongue. Make him understand he can be the only one able to have this big and beautiful heart. Use your biggest skill. Use your words."
"I told him I've killed Naruse." I whispered.
"And?"
"Jun, are you stupid?! I killed a man, how do you want Satoshi choose me?! He must be scared of me, or I must disgust him!"
"So much that he made love with you. Stop with your lame excuses, Kazu. You're just scared of the fact that you could be happy."
"Maybe..."
"Sho is my friend but you are a part of me, Kazu and will always be the first priority in my life, even if this friend is my boyfriend's best friend." Jun threw an apologetic look to his lover who only smiled and nodded, showing him he understood.
"Okay." I finally said.
"Hun?"
"I'll show him I am the one he needs to be happy." I stated with determinate eyes.
"I'm proud of you, Kazu." Jun wrapped me in his arms to kiss my temple.
Satoshi
"You slept with Nino?" Sho whispered with a white face.
"Yes. I started to date him if you could really call that a relationship. He was sleeping with other men but I was allowed to stay with him and it prevented me to become insane."
"You were still dating him when I woke up?"Sho asked softly.
"Yes. But when you called me, I immediately ran to the hospital and it was obvious I would come back to you."
"But?"
"But Kazu told me he was in love with me since the day we met." I lowered my head, staring at my hands.
"I know."
"What?!" I looked at him with surprised eyes and Sho smiled softly even if I could see the sadness in his eyes.
"It's obvious he is in love with you. And I know you love him. You always were here for each other and went through hard things together, it's normal to feel more than friendship for him, babe."Sho patted my head kindly.
"But..."
"Do you love me?"
"Of course I do!"
"Then, it's enough for me."Sho stroked my cheek tenderly, bringing tears in my eyes. I really didn't deserve him.
"I slept with him two weeks ago."Sho froze. He looked at me with hurt eyes and lowered his hand.
"Why?"
"Because I wanted him. I...love him and I wanted to be sure, to... I'm so sorry Sho!" I burst into tears.
"Did you enjoy it..."Sho stammered, walking to the fridge to take a beer.
"I..."
"Be honest, Satoshi, you owe me the truth."Sho snapped, drinking his can.
"I... Yes." I whispered.
"I need to be alone."Sho replied coldly.
"But Sho, I..."
"Get out!!"Sho yelled.
"Alright. I wanted to be honest with you, Sho...to be sure but... I understand why you hate me but...sorry..." I stammered and walked in our bedroom to pack my belongings. I cried so much. I never cried so much in my whole life. "I love you." I said to my boyfriend before leaving our apartment.
It hurt so damn much but I knew I deserved it. I ran, tears rolling down my cheeks. I knew what I had to do now. All this had to stop. I had to stop this suffering even if it meant I would suffer for the rest of my life...
****
"Sho?" Nino blinked when he saw his friend in front of Jun's door.
"Everything is your fault!!"Sho yelled and punched Nino's face who fell on the ground, shocked.
"Sho but..."
"How did you dare to fuck my boyfriend, bastard!"Sho shouted, grabbing Nino's collar to hit him again.
Sho, stop that!" Jun yelled, pushing him away.
"Let me hit his fucking face! This bastard slept with Satoshi!"Sho screamed, trying to pull out but Jun tightened his grip around him.
"I'm sorry, Sho. I didn't want to hurt you but..."
"Shut up!!! I hate you, bastard! You're nothing for me anymore, don't show your bitch's face again in front of me!!"
"Sho, stop, you're drunk." Jun whispered.
"I don't care, Jun! Where is Satoshi, give me back my lover and don't you dare approaching him again, son of bitch!"Sho threw a cold look to Nino.
"He isn't here." Jun said.
"What?"Sho froze.
"He wasn't with you?" Nino gasped.
"I asked him to leave...but I just needed to be alone for a moment..."Sho whispered, his anger fading in one second.
"I hope for you nothing happened to him." Nino said in a dangerous voice.
"Call him!"Sho replied.
"I'm falling on his vocal box." Jun said and closed his phone.
"Shit!!! If something happens to him, I'll kill you Sakurai!" Nino yelled and left Jun's apartment.
****
I threw a last glance in Kazu's apartment and left, his notebook in my hands.
"I'm so sorry, Kazu." I whispered a last time.
When I sat down on my seat, I opened the notebook and started to read, tears filling my eyes.
June
Dear diary,
One week ago, I met someone at Aiba's party. He is so beautiful and cute with his chubby cheeks and his sleepy face. We made love in the bathroom and to be honest, I never felt that before, it was amazing... I think it's love at first sight... So sappy xD Look, (Ohno is on the left) I took a photo during an afternoon at Aiba's place, isn't he cute?
I think I won't be able to date someone else, now.
Kazunari
I chuckled when I saw the picture. Kazu was so stupid sometimes! I turned the page and continued.
July
Dear diary,
I haven't seen Satoshi for one month because of my summer tour. I miss him so damn much! I miss his smile when I'm cooking his favorite food, his shining eyes when I tell him I'll bring him to the beach, his cute chubby face, his fingers on my body, his mouth on mine, his moans when I make love to him with all my feelings, the way his whispers my name when I am inside him. It's so hard to be far away from him. I love him so much. I love this kindness, this sadness in his eyes. I know something happened to him, I can see it. He is suffering and I want to help him, to make him happy! Look, J took this picture after we went to a bar with him and Aiba and kept drinking in the car xD I love his haircut, he is so cute and his smile...
Kazunari
August,
Dear diary,
I wrote many songs about what I feel for Satoshi. I can't tell him the truth because I'm sure he doesn't love someone like me. That's why I'll write my feelings in this notebook and maybe one day, I'll be able to tell him how my heart is beating for him. When I came back from my live tour, there was this weird atmosphere between us. The last time I saw him, we slept together... Satoshi seemed uncomfortable and it makes me believe he really doesn't like me. I love to spend time with him. I always feel relax and as if I knew him for a long time. He told me he saw my concert in Tokyo and I never felt so happy before. Satoshi said he loved it and I almost kissed him when he smiled softly, his eyes showing to me how he enjoyed it. We did so many things together during my "holidays". In one week we went to the cinema, the zoo, museum and to the park for picnics. He showed me his paintings, they were so amazing! These moments together heal my heart. There is this bond between us that I can't explain, as if we were two souls from the same body. As if we were meant to be together to survive.
Here, we were at Jun's last party. As always, Satoshi was drunk and jumped on my back. We laughed so much when I fell because I was drunk too. Satoshi stole my beer and I chased him in the whole house to throw him in the bathtube and water him. I can't stop smiling when I remember how he made me fall on top of him and we ended up wet and kissing with passion while water was still falling on our bodies. So beautiful memory, I will never forget it.
I laughed nervously. I remembered this night. The next day, I had many bruises on my ass because Kazu fell. I won't forget this night too, my Kazu.
September
Dear diary,
I have one week before leaving Tokyo. I have a new tour but in Asia and I won't see Toshi for one month. I'll miss him so much! I know him for three months now and I never felt so happy before. Satoshi learned for my night terrors and he just hugged me tightly, saying he will always be here for me. It was the first time I was crying in front of someone else than Jun. I'm so happy you accept me, my Sa-chan but I would like you to tell me what is making you suffer so much, what is making you cry in your sleep. Tell me, my love, tell me what is destroying you like that to allow me to comfort you or appease your heart.
J took this picture, he teased us, saying we looked like a couple xD I wish it could be true. See how Sato's smile is so cute! Did I ever tell you how much I love his hands? His artist's hands. This day was so funny, we made shopping but Toshi didn't buy anything because he couldn't choose. This chubby man is so stupid sometimes! XD
Kazu
October,
Dear diary,
Something happened when I came back from Taiwan. Jun called me and said Toshi was at hospital because he made a suicide attempt. When he told me, I thought my heart will stop. Why? Why does Sato tried to kill himself? When I rushed in his bedroom, he looked so weak. He had lost many weight and had big shadowsunder his eyes. I immediately cried when I saw him so fragile. Satoshi... Baby... Don't harm yourself again because I can't live without you. I'll support you now, even if I have to stop my work. You're the most important for me. The only thing that keep me alive.
Aren't we cute here? I love this picture, it reminds me how precious Satoshi is for me. We look like a couple and I like that. It was before his suicide attempt, before he tried to leave me...
Kazu
November,
Dear diary,
Yesterday, we met one of Masa's friends. Sakurai Sho. He is kind but I hate how he is looking at Toshi. Toshi is mine!!! He is eating him with his eyes and I can't bear it. Luckily, Sato doesn't seem to like him. I hope he will never like him. Sato is recovering slowly. He told me his past and it killed me when I learned how he was suffering. My poor Sato, I wish to be able to erase this pain and guilt of your beautiful heart! I love you so much but I can't make you feel better, I'm so useless!
When I'm seeing this picture, I wonder if there is something between Sho and Satoshi... He is so cute but I hate seeing Sho next to him even if Sho is a really good friend for me...
January,
Dear diary,
I didn't write for a long time, now but something happened. Satoshi is dating Sho... I want to scream my pain and kill myself for letting him to Sho but... Toshi will be happy with him, more than with me who is bothering him with my trauma. It's so painful but I have to bear it, to support them. So, I'll keep my fake smiles when they will kiss in front of me. I want to die!!!!
I hate how with just one look, you can see how much they love each other!!!!
Kazu
April,
Dear diary,
I think I'll die soon because of this pain. I never made so horrible night terrors before. Satoshi is always here to calm me down but he doesn't understand how it hurts me at the same time, knowing he won't stay the morning in my arms, knowing he will kiss and make love with Showhen he will come back home. Why can't I erase my deep love for him? Why can't I see another man than him? Why can't I break this bond between us?! Please, Kami-sama, make me die!!! Kill me!!! Stop this horrible pain in my heart!!! Make me forget him!!!!
Why do I continue to look at his pictures? Why can't I throw it?
Here, at our last dinner together with Jun and his boyfriend, Masaki. Now, I'll stop writing because it makes me suffer even more. I'll try to move on and forget him not to spoil his relationship and his happiness.
Satoshi, even if you are with Sho, I'll pray for your happiness and will try to forget you. I love you. More than anything.... More than the life itself... You're my everything, the reason why I am still alive today...
I love you, my love.
Your Kazu
I released the notebook, crying. Kazu... My Kazu... If I knew I was making you suffer like that, I would have never dated Shoand confessed to you. But now, it was too late. I made you and Sho suffer and the last solution was this one. I hope you will be happy without me, Kazu...
****
"Where is he for the fucking sake!!" Nino yelled for the nth time.
"I don't know, he is rejecting my calls." Jun groaned.
"Maybe Aiba knows where he is."Sho proposed.
"I'm calling him, now." Jun nodded and called his boyfriend the second after. "Babe, it's me, do you know where Toshi is, he has disappeared!"
"....."
"What?!!!" Jun shouted in the phone.
"...."
"Why didn't you call me before?!!" Jun yelled and closed his phone.
"Jun? Where is he?" Nino asked with panic.
"He is gone." Jun whispered.
"What do you mean?"
"He left Tokyo one hour ago."
"Eh?!Where?!" Nino shouted.
"He refused to tell where he was going but Masa said he took the plane..." Jun sighed.
"We have to find him!" Nino decided.
"No, Kazu, we don't know where he is going and plus, I think he needs to be alone for a while." Jun stopped his friend.
"I don't care! I love him, I don't want he makes a mistake! I won’t lose him ever again!" Nino pushed Jun away and left the apartment quickly.Sho looked at Jun who shook his head sadly.
“If he thinks I’m going to give up now and let him Satoshi, he is wrong!” The older said in a determinate voice before slamming the apartment’s door behind him.
“This is going to end badly…” Jun sighed.
To be continued…
A/N: Please don’t hate me nor kill me T.T I know this fic had 18 chapters but ideas came and as the final chapter was too long, I had to add another chapter, that’s why I post this chapter sooner xD If everything goes like I want, this story will end at the chapter 19 but I can’t promise anything, I’ll just try to do my best not to make you wait too long ^^ Sorry again for that and for this nasty cut xD as always, comments are <3