If I stay (Yama) part 1
Title: If I stay
Author: MatsuAurore
Beta: My lovely sakudada <3
Pairing: Yama
Genre: Angst, drama, romance, fluff
Rating: PG-13
Length: Long one shot in three parts ^^
Disclaimer: Own nothing but Sho owns Ohchan, ne?! xD
Summary: Sho gives all his strength for Arashi and his side work, Ohno is worried because the newscaster tries to do too much things at the same time. And one day, the worst happens...
A/N: My first Yama, I'm so happy! This fic is for my friend, Sakudada (and for Sho's birthday xD), you instigated me the deep friendship between Sho and Ohchan as ours, this story is for you because you're like my sister, the sister I've never had. Thank you so much for your kindness, your patience and for always being there for me, I love you my sweetheart <3 I hope you'll like this story ^.^
Part one:
I'm Sakurai Sho, son of the health Sakurai family. I love my parents but sometimes, I hate them for all this pressure on my shoulders. Sakurai are respect, my father is from Todai and Keio and my mother is an amazing English teacher. Both are severe but kind and I know what I can or can't do in front of them. In my eyes, they are amazing, they are my model and they want me to be a great man when I'll be an adult. But what a great man is when you are five years old? Is it a super hero, a kind man or a powerful person? They always repeat me I'm a very clever boy and I'll be as incredible as my father, later. But how can I do that?
I'm Sakurai Sho, I'm five years old and my only wish is to satisfy my parents that I love but I didn't know that I'll never be this great man they wanted.
26 years later...
I sighed, looking at the paper in front of me. I think Kitagawa-san doesn't know I only have 24 hours in my day as all the humans on earth. Today again, I won’t be able to sleep, I have too much work with Arashi, my new CM and News zero. Sometimes, I would like to be another person, I would like a normal work with normal days and a normal family. But it's impossible because I'm Sakurai Sho.
While I was thinking about a way to do all my work in 24 hours, I didn't see Ohno entering the green room. When I raised my eyes, he smiled at me sleepily and sat down on Nino's lap who hugged him tightly, as usual. Jealousy crossed my heart, I hated when Satoshi did that! I know it's wrong to think like that but even if I can hide my feelings to him, I can't hide it to myself. I started to feel more than friendship for Ohchan since Maou. When I saw him with his long black hair, I definitely fell in love with him even if I knew I loved him before this drama. We always had a strong friendship since he helped me with my family when they learned about Arashi. He always was there like a friend, a brother and today, I'm very grateful for what he did for me. Many fans think we aren't very close because we don't make much fan service like the Ohmiya or Jun with Ohno and Nino, but it's false. In fact, I would like to make more fan service, it would have been my excuse for touching him and feeling him against me, but I can't. I'm too shy and my parents won't allow that between two men. That's why I try to contain myself, but in privacy, I do everything I can to be as close as possible to Satoshi. We often drink and eat together, we watch movies and I even go with him when he wants to fish. It's funny, because before, I thought I needed women in my bed to survive and now, I realize I just need Satoshi and his sleepy smile by my side to be happy. But I know Ohno loves Nino by the way he lets him touch his body and kiss him. And it hurts. It hurts so much when I see how big his smile is when he looks at Kazunari or at Jun. He never has this kind of smile in front of me. I'm a kind person, I guess, but not when I'm hurt and I know I can have a nasty attitude. And today, Satoshi's attitude pissed me off. This stupid chubby man was giggling like silly girl while Nino was tickling him. Sighing, I threw my newspaper and looked at them with a death glare.
"You have hotel to do that, perverts!" I said coldly.
"Bad mood, Sakurai?" Nino teased me with his eternal arrogant smile.
"Shut up, brat, if you want to fuck your friend, do it in your bedroom, not in front of me!" Words left my mouth before I could think and Ohno looked at me with sad eyes.
"It's not what you think, Sho-chan, we just..."
"Oh, it's okay, Ohno-san, I can let you two alone." I stood up and left the room before Ohno could answer.
I knew I was mean to him and they didn't deserve my nasty words but I can't help it. When I'm seeing Satoshi with someone else, especially with Nino or Jun, anger invades my body and my mind.
I hit the wall with my fist.
"Shit!" I screamed to myself.
"You did it again?" A soft voice made me jump.
I turned my head to see a smiling Aiba behind me.
"What do you mean?" I frowned.
"I bet there are Ohchan with Nino or Jun inside." Aiba showed me the door with his chin.
"How..."
"It's obvious you love Leader." He just said.
I frowned my eyebrows. How this baka could have guessed my feelings toward Ohno? Even if Masaki and I were close, I never showed it in front of someone else. So, how?
"Your look is kinder and more soft when you are staring at him." Aiba smiled as if he had read my thoughts.
"Can you keep that for you, Masaki?" I asked.
"I'm keeping it since five years, it's not a problem, but you, you should confess."
I looked away. Sometimes, I thought it was me the idiot and him who was from Keio. Aiba always played his idiot's role in front of the camera and the fans but in fact, he was very clever. He could feel your mood and your feelings at hundred meters.
"He doesn't feel the same way." I shook my head sadly.
"Because he doesn't kiss you or touch your body? Sorry, Sho, but I think he is closer to you than Nino or Jun. They touch him but you, you listen to him, that's the big difference!"
"I have to go, sorry, Ma-chan. I'll be very busy in the next months, so, I count on you to take care of these baka." I kissed his cheek and walked away.
"You can't avoid Ohchan all your life with this excuse. One day, you'll have to confront him and your feelings, Sho!" Aiba screamed but I didn't wait and left.
****
I buried my face in my pillow. What was that? Why does my doorbell was ringing while I was trying to sleep just five minutes before I had to return to my work?! Sighing, I stood up and walked sleepily to my door. When I opened it, I almost screamed, seeing a red Satoshi in front of me.
"Ohchan?! What are you doing here and at 2 a.m?!" I asked.
"Sho-chan~" Ohno threw his arms around my neck and buried his face against me.
"You stink alcohol! You're drunk!" I frowned, catching him before he could fall on the ground.
"I missed Sho-chan~" Ohno giggled.
"Are you stupid, someone could see you!" I rolled my eyes and took him in my apartment before my neighbors could see us.
"I don't care, I missed Sho-chan too much~" Ohno repeated but this time, looking at me with serious eyes.
I gulped and looked away. I sat down on my sofa and Ohno climbed on my lap before I could protest.
"Ne, Sho-chan?"
"Hum?"
"Why are you avoiding me?" Ohno asked with a sad look and I believed I'll kiss him to erase this pain on his face.
"I don't..."
"Liar. For some months, you are acting strangely. You work too much and we don't see each other after work." Ohno whispered. Was he really drunken? How could he be so serious with all this alcohol in his blood?
"I can't help it, I'm busy."
"Is that your excuse?!" I jumped. I had never seen Ohno angry, it wasn't his nature, he always stayed calm and soft, since I knew him.
"I miss you, Sho-chan, I really miss us and our moments together." My eyes widened when I saw the tears rolling down his beautiful chubby cheeks.
It was as if my heart was breaking in one thousand pieces. I hated when he cried, even in his drama, it was too painful for me. But Ohno didn't cry usually, excepted sometimes in some TV Shows or concerts and now, he was crying, on my lap. I could hear his sobs and his sadness as if it was mine. But it was mine. When Ohno suffered, I suffered. When he was happy, I was happy. When he smiled, I smiled. My happiness depended of his. I couldn't live if I knew he was unhappy.
"Satoshi~" I whispered painfully, putting my hand on his cheek.
"You don't understand, Sho-chan." He cried, looking at me with teary eyes.
"What?"
"I hate you Sho Sakurai! I hate you because you make me feel so sad, you make me drink and cry like an idiot, you make me do things I don't do usually! You make me feel so lonely!" Ohno sobbed.
Tears started to roll down my cheeks too. Was it true? Did I really hurt him like that? Why? Why did he feel all that? Why did he suffer so much? I don't want to hurt him, I want his happiness, his joy, his smile! So, why?
"Why?" I sobbed.
"Eh?!"
"Why are you so mean to me? Your happiness is my first priority, so, why? Why do you need to make me feel so bad, crying like that and saying these horrible things?!" I cried loudly, burying my face in his neck.
"Because I love you, baka!" Ohno answered.
I froze. Did he say he loved me? Did he really say those words I dreamt about every night? It couldn't be possible, he couldn't love me, ne? We were like brothers, we were band mates, we were two men. I looked at him with hopefully eyes and he smiled like he never did. His smile was like a sunshine in the night, a rainbow toward the rain, a hope during a war. This so beautiful and perfect smile I loved so much. I loved when Ohno smiled and laughed because he almost closed his eyes and you could believe he didn't see anything. There were so much kindness and love in this smile!
He approached his face and I caught his lips with despair. When I slipped my tongue in his warm mouth, he moaned in pleasure, his hands stroking my hair while I was hugging his thin waist, afraid that he would disappear of my world. I loved him so much! His sleepy eyes, his chubby face, his calm and kindness, all these parts of him that made me love him even more every day. These are my feelings and I can't help it. Sorry mum, sorry dad, I'm not the man you wanted but when I look at the thin and cute sleepy man on my lap, all your wishes are erased of my mind. You two wanted my happiness? Alright, my happiness is with him, with this wonderful short man in front of me. My heart belongs to him sfor a long time and I would change it for nothing in the world!
"Sho~" Ohno moaned through my lips.
"I love you, Satoshi. I love you so much." I whispered.
He looked at me with an adorable face and smiled softly. His fingers traveled on my face, touching lovingly my lips, my cheeks and my nose. I closed my eyes and gaked a deep breath, savoring this touch.
"You're beautiful." Ohno simply said and warmth invaded my body and my heart.
"No, YOU are beautiful!" I smiled and caught his lips while he was chuckling.
We kissed each other for a long time, touching our skins, our bodies to engrave this wonderful memory. I was dreaming. I felt as the happiest man of the world and nobody could take this feeling away from me, not even my parents or Johnny. I didn't care about the world, I was with the man I loved so much since those years.
"Sho?" Ohno suddenly asked, blushing.
"What, baby?" I smiled, kissing his pouty lips.
"I want you to make love to me." He blushed and I grinned widely, butterflies invading my stomach. Sometimes, life could be wonderful, ne?
I lifted him up in my arms and cried him in my bedroom. For the first time in my life, I wanted to take my time, to explore every spots of his body, to make him scream in pleasure. I wanted him to call my name, not because of pride, but because I wanted to be the only person able to give him pleasure and to see him in this state. And when I took him and saw his half closed eyes and heard him calling my name, I knew. I knew I couldn't live without him anymore. I knew he now was my only wish in my life. When he screamed my name, happiness crossed my heart and I whispered him the most lovely words I've ever said to someone.
****
I blinked, feeling a breath in my neck. I opened my eyes and a smile appeared on my lips when I saw Satoshi who was sleeping, his face in my neck, his arms around my chest and our legs tangled. I never knew it would feel so good to wake up next to the person you loved. Satoshi was so cute when he was sleeping! His hair were falling on his eyes and his chubby cheeks looked more...chubby. When I kissed his forehead, he frowned cutely and opened his eyes with difficulty.
"Ohayou." I smiled.
"Hayou." He yawned loudly before grinning happily.
"Good night?" I asked and he nodded, stroking his cheek against my chest.
"Sorry for yesterday." He whispered, his fingers drawing circles on my skin.
"Do you regret your words and what we did?" I asked, pain crossing my voice and Ohno looked at me with wide eyes.
"No, never. I apologized for drinking too much, waking you up and saying stupid words on your shoulder, that's all."
"I love when you're saying stupid things, even more when it finishes by 'I love you'." I smiled and ravished his pouty lips before he could protest.
After this night, I could say I was the happiest man of the world. When we entered the jimusho, hand in hand (Satoshi wanted that but I felt uncomfortable, I really wasn't a demonstrative guy, but I saw Satoshi's smile widened when I grabbed his hand, so, it was okay for me), the other three didn't say anything but smiled at us. Obviously, Nino teased us because I made visible hickeys on Satoshi's neck but I couldn't help it, I wanted the world knows that Satoshi was mine and only mine. We sat down on the sofa, Satoshi in my arms to continue his short night but my manager rushed in the green room few minutes later with a panic look.
"Ah Sakurai-san, you're here!" He exclaimed happily.
"What?" I frowned, tightening my grip around Satoshi without thinking.
"You have a new drama and a new SP!" My manager smiled.
"What??!!!" We exclaimed together.
"Ano, Takeda-san, there is a mistake, we never have a drama at the same time of a SP, and plus, Sho-chan has News zero." Jun frowned.
"I know, that's why I wanted to talk about it with Sakurai-san."
"About?" I asked, feeling Satoshi's curious look toward my manager.
"You can choose between the drama and the SP, Johnny-san agrees. But you have to know that both of it are incredible, if you could do the SP and the drama, it would be a great thing for your career and for Arashi too!" Takeda exclaimed.
"One minute, Takeda-san! Sho was already very busy before that, how could he deal with two more activities, he's not a machine!" Jun almost shouted at the poor manager.
"I know, but if he could do it, Johnny-san would be very happy and your parents would be proud of you." The manager looked at me, playing with the sensitive rope. He knew I couldn't refuse something when you mentioned my parents.
"Alright, I'll do it." I sighed.
"Sho!!!" My friends shouted, even Satoshi who looked at me with disbelieved eyes.
"End of the conversation." I said coldly.
"Great, Sakurai-san! Johnny will be very proud of you, this is your script, you start tomorrow morning." Takeda exclaimed and left the room.
I sighed loudly and threw an eye on the script. When I felt four glares on me, I raised my eyes.
"What?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.
"Are you serious, Sho?! You can't deal with Arashi, News zero, your CM, a drama and a SP! I know you're always busy but you're not superman!" Jun exclaimed.
"He is alright." Nino nodded. "Even me, I hadn't drama when I had a film or a SP, Jun and Ohchan too."
"I can do it." I mumbled.
"Sho, it's crazy, you'll die in exhausting." Satoshi stroked my cheek. "But if you want to do it, I can't judge you, I would do the same, I'll be there for you if you need me." He added before I could protest.
"Ohchan!!!" My friends shouted.
"It's Sho's choice, we can't judge him." Ohno stood up and I kissed him before leaving the room.
"You know what you did?!" I heard Jun shouting through the door.
"I'm worried too, Jun, but I love him and I can't prevent him to do it if he wants to, it would be selfish." Ohno said calmly before I smiled and left. Satoshi always understood me!
****
I closed the door behind me and collapsed on the sofa.
"Okaeri." A voice whispered in my ear and I shivered.
"Tadaima." I smiled and turned my head to kiss my lover.
Satoshi grinned and climbed on my lap. He buried his head in my neck and kissed my skin, his hands slipping under my shirt.
"I have work, Sato." I sighed and pushed him a little.
"Again?!" Ohno pouted.
"My script..."
"Sho, I respect your wishes and your work, I'm proud of you but I'm worried." Ohno looked at me with worried eyes.
"Why?"
"You look like a zombie, hace you seen your face? You're exhausted, you are working 24/7 for three months, you don't eat properly and I never see you." Ohno whispered softly.
I looked at him with disbelieved eyes. Sometimes, truth hurt but it hurt more when it came from the person you loved more than your own life.
"I thought you didn't want to judge me." I replied.
"I do but I'm worried, Sho, I don't want to lose you." Ohno protested.
"You won't lose me, baby." I smiled and started to kiss him deeply.
****
I rubbed my eyes tiredly. We were learning our choreography for our new song for two hours and I really started to feel exhausted. Sweat drops were rolling down my face and my whole body was shaking.
"Sho-chan, are you all right?" Aiba asked me with a worried look and I soon felt four glares on me.
"Of course." I smiled.
"You're very pale." Jun added.
"I'm okay, can we continue, now?" I asked a bit annoyed.
Satoshi looked away but I knew he was worried and maybe a slight angry. We continued the lesson but after some minutes, my vision blurred and I heard Satoshi's voice screaming before everything became dark.
I blinked. When I opened my eyes I saw Satoshi's head on my chest and Jun next to a window.
"Sho, do you feel better?!" Jun ran toward me.
Satoshi raised his head sleepily and I felt guilty when I saw his worried eyes. He took my hand and kissed it.
"I was worried sick, Sho, how are you feeling?" Ohno asked me in his usual calm tone but I could feel how worried he was.
"Perfect, when can I leave?" I asked, trying to stand up.
"Sho, you fainted, you're exhausted and you need rest." Ohno protested.
"I can't, there are the drama and the SP." I replied and stood up weakly.
I took my clothes and left the hospital 15 minutes later, Satoshi following me without a word. I knew I hurt him by acting like that but I couldn't help it, I had too much work to sleep and Johnny would be mad at me if I played the sick man now. I drove Satoshi to my apartment and he left the car. Pain crossed my heart when I saw his eyes. He looked so sad and thin. When where the last time we spent a whole night together like every lovers? Satoshi turned his head and walked toward me. I lowered my car glass and he caught my lips, his hand wrapping my neck. I moaned when I felt his tongue inside of my mouth and deepened the kiss. When both of us were breathless, I released him, leaving some pecks on his lips.
"Be careful." Satoshi whispered and I smiled.
"I know. I see you tonight, baby. I love you." I kissed his lips quickly.
"I love you too." He smiled sadly and left.
****
"Perfect, it's over for today. Thank you, Sakurai-san!" I bowed to the man and left quickly.
It was already 3 a.m and I knew Satoshi would be asleep but I tried to hurry, hoping I could spend some time with my boyfriend. I missed him so much and it was hard to be far away from him. I started my car and looked at the road, yawning. Tiredness won my body and I blinked. I couldn't sleep now, I had to hold out. I blinked again and yawned. Suddenly, my eyes were very heavy and without thinking I closed it briefly. I didn't see the car in front of me....
To be continued...