生き甲斐 (A reason to live)
Title: 生き甲斐 (A reason to live)
Author: MatsuAurore
Pairing: Sakumoto, Sakuraiba
Genre: Drama, angst, romance
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Jun belongs to me in my dreams xD
Summary: He thought he life was over, he thought his heart would never beat for someone ever again and that even Arashi wouldn't save him but what he didn't realize was the presence of someone able to give him a reason to live.
Based on the beautiful song of Hoobastank, The reason.
Jun's pov:
"So good." I collapsed on the bed, out of breath.
"Hun." The man next to me approved.
"I need a shower, you can join me if you want." I smirked, stroking his chest with the tip of my fingers.
"I have to go. News zero." Sho muttered, standing up.
"Are you okay?" I blinked, surprised by his reaction.
"Jun... I've thought about it a lot and... I want to stop." Sho whispered, his back facing me.
"What?!"
"I... I have met someone else and it's serious."
"It's Aiba, ne?!" I rumbled.
"It doesn't concern you."
"It concerns me as we fuck for three years!" I snapped.
"That's the word, yes. We 'fuck'. We are nothing for each other and I can't see why I would spoil this new relationship."
"Please, Sho. I need you." I wrapped him from behind but he pushed me away.
"Enough, Jun. Let's be the friends we were before all that started."
"Sho..." I protested but my lover left and I didn't see the tear rolling down his cheek. "Shit!" I hit the wall angrily.
I took a shower, trying to ignore the tears rolling down my cheeks. I needed him. Even if I was only using him for sex, I needed him. It was selfish and horrible but staying away from him was impossible. Not since the day he offered me to repair my broken heart.
I knelt down under the shower and cried harder, the pain coming back to crash my heart like an insect under a shoe. I had to convince him, to beg him not to leave me. Not him. Not again. I refused to live that twice. He weren't dating but fucking with him helped me not to think about Hiroki.
I didn't sleep at all and when I entered the green room the next day, found Sho in Aiba's arms, his face against our friend's neck.
"How did you dare stealing him from me?!" I looked at Aiba with killing eyes.
"Jun, please, not now." Sho sighed, turning his face. I blinked, seeing the big dark shadows under his red puffy eyes. Had he cried?
"You should mind your own business, Matsumoto-san." Aiba replied coldly. I wasn't used to be talked like that to. Aiba was always cheerful and kind, he never talked to you like that.
"Sho, we need to talk." I ignored Masaki to stare at Sho who shook his head.
"There is nothing to say."
"Please!" I implored but Aiba wrapped him protectively.
"Go being selfish with someone else."
"Excuse me?" I arched an eyebrow in disbelief.
"We all know Hiroki's death hurt you but you are pretty arrogant if you think I'll let you destroy my best friend without doing anything." Aiba stood up, his eyes throwing flashes.
"Masaki..."
"No. I have enough, Sho! I can't stand anymore the way he uses you! If you want to be a spoilt princess, find someone else."
"Bastard!" I grabbed Aiba's collar but Sho stopped me.
"Stop it, you two! You really are selfish!" Sho yelled and left the room under our shocked eyes.
"I thought you were better than that, Jun but I guess I was wrong. You just think about your own little person and the group but not about your family." Aiba said coldly before leaving. I stared at the gap with lost eyes. Maybe he was right. Taking my bag, I left the Jimushou without warning anyone. I didn't come back the next day and ignored my phone that was buzzing for hours. They could continue Arashi without me, after all. If I was that egoist. I drank a lot, trying to erase the pain but nothing worked, I just wanted to die even more. Why couldn't I let Sho go. I knew he wasn't happy with me but just thinking about letting him go was too painful. I just should find someone else to fuck my brain out.
My doorbell rang and opening, I saw Sho staring at me with furious and sad eyes.
"What are you playing at, Jun?"
"Aiba was right. I'm selfish, you can continue Arashi without me."
"Oh, we should throw a pity party, then." Sho smirked.
"Shut up! You're the worst, you leave me just because Aiba is better in bed, ne?! You're tired of fucking with me for three years?!" I gasped when his hand hit my cheek.
"How can you say that?!!! How can you even think about that?!!! You're a monster, Matsumoto Jun, you just hurt the persons who love you! You'll end alone, Hiroki is lucky not to be here anymore!!!" Sho yelled but froze when he realized the meaning of his words. Tears were rolling down my cheeks but I smiled weakly.
"You're right. He is better where he is."
"Jun, I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."
"At least, I don't make him suffer anymore. Excuse me, the monster wants to be alone." I tried to close the door but Sho pushed me roughly inside to smack me against the wall. "What..." I gasped when his lips hit mines.
"Fuck me if it can stop your pain. Fuck me if it can stop your tears." Sho whispered.
"Sho, I..."
"I promised you to be here... Release your pain but don't leave Arashi nor us." Sho pressed our bodies together, making me moan.
We made love roughly, moaning loudly in pleasure though, we both cried in pain. A psychical pain. Why couldn't I give him what he wanted? Why couldn't I let him go?
"I love you so much, Jun." I thought I heard Sho's broken voice whispering.
"Jun!" A voice called.
"Hiro?" I gasped, seeing the love of my life waving his hand.
"What are you doing, babe?" Hiroki stroked my cheek with sad eyes.
"I'm trying to survive." I whispered.
"Let me go. Stop trying to keep me by your side, I'm dead, Jun." I cried at his words.
"I can't."
"It was an accident, Jun and it's been three years, stop hurting yourself and the persons who loves you."
"Nobody can love me, I'm ugly and empty inside."
"Babe, it's about time you realize there is a person desperately waiting for you." Hiroki kissed my hand.
"I can't. I can't let you go." I sobbed.
"You have to. I'm dead, Jun and nothing will change that. Be happy, live your life and keep me like a happy memory. Move on."
"It's too hard..." I hugged him, crying loudly.
"You can't love a ghost, Jun. And you are in love with someone."
"I just fuck with Sho." I replied.
"Really? Then, why is it so painful to let him go? Why can't you just find someone else to fuck?"
"Because he is good in bed."
"Because he has always been here for you. He was here when I left you and healed your heart. The pain you are feeling is because you are scared. Scared of loving someone else than me. Scared to lose another person. But Jun, it's life. You can't reject everybody because of your fears. Don't think about the past, live in the present. You can be happy with him. Forget your fears and open your heart."
"I won't handle it if they take him away from me too. Not twice."
"Then, you'll end alone and miserable. Don't you think you will even more suffer if he goes to Aiba? How will you feel when they will be kissing, when they will go home to make love?"
"Stop!" I sobbed, grabbing my head with both hands.
"Rejecting him is hurting you even more, Jun. We all have to leave one day, it's life but we can't stop living for the ones who died."
"I miss you so much."
"Me too, babe. But I'm dead and you are alive, you have to live."
"Hiro..." I sobbed and kissed him. My lover smiled and kissed me back with all the love he had for me but strangely, it wasn't his face I was seeing but Sho's.
"You've understood. Go to him. Make him as happy as you made me when I was here. I love you, Jun."
"I love you too. So much and forever." I cried before everything turned black.
I opened my eyes with a moan of pain, my head aching like hell. I was alone in my bed, the sign Sho had left after I had hurt him again. I stood up and took a quick shower but when I opened my door to leave, a big punch hit my face, making me fall on the ground.
"I told you to stay away from him!!!!"
"Masaki?" I gasped, wiping the blood on my lips.
"I swear I'll kill you if you approach him again!"
"I didn't want to hurt him..." I protested.
"It's too late. Three years, Jun! He was waiting for three fucking years! We all told him it was useless but he ignored us, saying he had promised to heal your heart even if it meant destroying his! He gave you everything and you just crashed him down! So, now he has decided to move on, don't approach him again! Let him heal his wounds! Let me heal the pain you did to him!"
"Wait, I can repair everything! I love him!"
"Words slip easily from your mouth, Matsumoto but they mean nothing." Aiba snapped.
"I'll prove you I'm sincere!"
"It's too late. Let him go, he deserves better, I'll make him happy." Aiba said coldly before leaving.
I clenched my fists angrily, knowing he was right. I didn't deserve him. But I was ready to repair all my mistakes! I would show them Sho was mine and I was his. Because Hiro was right. I loved Sho. It's why I couldn't let him go. Because just imagining him in someone else's arms hurt me more than anything. I needed him. Like a junkie needed his drug. He was my heroin, my coke, my reason to live.
I blinked at this realization. Yes. He was the reason why I could get up everyday, the reason why I hadn't jumped under a train. I had to prove him my sincerity. But not with words. With acts. Like Aiba said, it was easy to talk but harder to prove our words.
I decided to let Sho in peace for a while, thinking about something to show him how much he meant to me. It was horrible, he was ignoring me everyday and a cold atmosphere was wrapping the group, though, we never showed it in front of the cameras.
Months passed and I did my best to ignore Aiba and Sho making out. Their kisses were killing me slowly but I knew I deserved this pain. Why had I been so horrible with the only person who was here for me and loved me? Why did I reject the only man who tried to heal my heart and make me move on? I was just a shit. But I understood there was maybe still a chance for Sho to forgive me. I deserved his anger but I would definitely prove him how much I needed him and how much I loved him. I would repair all the pain I did to him.
*****
The lights switched off and the music started. I walked on the stage, the screen behind me showing a movie.
I'm not a perfect person
There are many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
On the screen, you could see a girl and a guy in a car. They were laughing and sometimes kissing happily while the man was driving but suddenly, another car crashed into them violently. The guy opened his eyes with difficulty, blood rolling down his temples and seeing his unconscious girlfriend, pulled her out of the car. As she wasn't opening her eyes, the man massaged her, trying to make her breath but her face was already cold and white despite the blood on her cheek. The man screamed in pain, hugging her against his chest to warm her body but it was useless, she was dead. The guy kept crying, refusing to let her go when the ambulance came to take her body. Letting her go would mean she really had left him alone on this fucking earth. She couldn't leave him. She hadn't the right to. They were young, they had all their life to live. They had so many things to do together. She couldn't leave. Not now. Not like that. They wanted to go to Paris, to eat pasta in Italia, to see the Liberty's statue. They had to make children, to get married and mostly, to love each other for many years. But it was impossible because she was dead. She had abandoned him.
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
The movie continued, showing the man meeting another girl. She was like a sunshine, like a new breath for his broken lungs. Like a new heart to fill the empty place in his chest. He loved her. Since the beginning. Since the day she said she would always be here for him. Since the first time her kind and loving eyes had met his. He loved her but refused to open his heart for her, too afraid to lose it a second time. They spent lots of time together. The time he should have spent with his dead girlfriend. But it didn't hurt because it was as if they were meant to live that. As if the unfinished things were finally going to be done. He felt as if he was breathing and living again. But his fears prevented him to make her happy. The man on the screen made her cry so many times, though, she stayed, she never left because she loved him and wanted to keep her promise.
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is You
And the reason is You
He hurt her again and again but never realized it, too selfish to really see the pain he was causing to her. Until one day, her belongings disappeared of his apartment. One day, the man came home and didn't find her. She had left. She had given up, understanding he would never see her nor love her, though, she was wrong, he couldn't live without her anymore.
They didn't see each other for months but one day, the man found her with someone else. She was laughing like never before and her belly was swollen. She froze when she saw him, her hand automatically wrapping her stomach as if she tried to protect the little life inside. The man fell on his knees, tears rolling down his cheeks. He understood he had lost her by acting so selfishly. He had pushed her away, afraid to love again and end hurt but seeing her with someone else was worse. The man cried in the middle of the street, wishing to disappear of the world but for his surprise, she knelt down in front of him and took his hand to put it on her belly, whispering how happy she was to have his baby inside her. The man cried harder if it was possible and hugged her, finally telling her the words she was desperately waiting for. He decided not to ever let her go because of a stupid fear. Now, he could show her how important she was for him. Words were useless, his acts will prove his sincerity. Because he wasn't a perfect person but he had found his reason to live and was ready to change.
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
The movie stopped with the couple walking happily hand in hand with a baby in a stroller. For the end of my song, water appeared in front of me like for the perf of Akashi in popcorn, showing my face before the words 'I'm sorry' appeared in purple, the lights reflecting it on the water. I was crying for a moment but I didn't care, I wanted Sho to see my real feelings. I felt better after showing what happened to me, to tell him what happened this day because I had always refused to talk about the accident. I had always avoided the subject, keeping deep inside me the pain of this day. It was sappy, corny, stupid or whatever you would think but it was my way to show him how much I loved him and didn't want to lose him. Because like for this man, Sho was my reason to live. He was the most beautiful part of my heart and I wanted to treasure him like he deserved.
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
The music stopped and I left the stage under the happy screams of the fans. It would be hard to face Sho for the second part of the concert but I was ready. I wasn't scared of my feelings anymore.
Sho didn't say anything and avoided my look until the end. Maybe it was useless. Maybe I had totally lost him. If he rejected me, I wouldn't overcome it this time.
When I left the changing room, my bag on my shoulder, I sighed sadly, leaving the dome to go home and drink. I needed to forget this rejection.
"Jun!" I turned around to see Aiba running toward me.
"Not tonight, I'm not in the mood to fight." I sighed tiredly but for my surprise, Aiba hugged me.
"It's how a real man should act. I'm proud of you, you've grown up." Aiba grinned and kissed my forehead before leaving. I stared at his shadow with shocked eyes and shrugged. Concerts had the effect of alcohol on him. I chuckled sadly and left, looking at the sky full of stars.
"The sky is wonderful tonight." I jumped and turned my head to see Sho next to me.
"Yes." I just said.
"I'm not with Masaki." Sho said out of the blue.
"Oh."
"In fact, he just tried to appease my pain."
"Sho, I..."
"I know. The song was wonderful and I liked the movie and the water's effects."
"It was for you. To tell you how much I love you, though, I know it's useless and too late now. I'm so stupid and selfish but I can't stop loving you."
"It was the most beautiful confession I could wish for. Jun?"
"Hun?"
"What happen at the end of the movie?"
"He finds her pregnant with his child and tells her all the things he should have told her before hurting her."
"He was so stupid."
"Yes. But also too scared to admit his feelings because losing her would have been the worst thing of his life."
Sho suddenly grabbed my nape to press our lips together. I was puzzled but kissed him back with all the love I felt for him. It was the best kiss ever. I stroked his cheek, our tongues playing with each other, soft moans leaving our throats before Sho pulled away.
"And then?"
"She forgives him and goes back to him. Haven't you watched?" I joked sadly.
"I have." Sho looked at me with a bright smile. "Let's go home." Sho added, taking my hand in his.
I think I had never smiled like that before and even wrapped Sho's waist to lean my head on his shoulder. I felt his lips kissing my temple, tears of happiness rolling down my cheeks. He was forgiving me, he was giving me another chance. Because I had showed him a part of me he didn't know and that nobody had ever seen. Because for him, I had decided to change who I used to be.
"Thank you." I whispered in his ear, getting a happy smile on his face.
Yes, I had found my reason to live and would never let it go again.
終わり :)
A/N: Just a silly one shot but as I love this beautiful song, I wanted to write something about it :)
Author: MatsuAurore
Pairing: Sakumoto, Sakuraiba
Genre: Drama, angst, romance
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Jun belongs to me in my dreams xD
Summary: He thought he life was over, he thought his heart would never beat for someone ever again and that even Arashi wouldn't save him but what he didn't realize was the presence of someone able to give him a reason to live.
Based on the beautiful song of Hoobastank, The reason.
Jun's pov:
"So good." I collapsed on the bed, out of breath.
"Hun." The man next to me approved.
"I need a shower, you can join me if you want." I smirked, stroking his chest with the tip of my fingers.
"I have to go. News zero." Sho muttered, standing up.
"Are you okay?" I blinked, surprised by his reaction.
"Jun... I've thought about it a lot and... I want to stop." Sho whispered, his back facing me.
"What?!"
"I... I have met someone else and it's serious."
"It's Aiba, ne?!" I rumbled.
"It doesn't concern you."
"It concerns me as we fuck for three years!" I snapped.
"That's the word, yes. We 'fuck'. We are nothing for each other and I can't see why I would spoil this new relationship."
"Please, Sho. I need you." I wrapped him from behind but he pushed me away.
"Enough, Jun. Let's be the friends we were before all that started."
"Sho..." I protested but my lover left and I didn't see the tear rolling down his cheek. "Shit!" I hit the wall angrily.
I took a shower, trying to ignore the tears rolling down my cheeks. I needed him. Even if I was only using him for sex, I needed him. It was selfish and horrible but staying away from him was impossible. Not since the day he offered me to repair my broken heart.
I knelt down under the shower and cried harder, the pain coming back to crash my heart like an insect under a shoe. I had to convince him, to beg him not to leave me. Not him. Not again. I refused to live that twice. He weren't dating but fucking with him helped me not to think about Hiroki.
I didn't sleep at all and when I entered the green room the next day, found Sho in Aiba's arms, his face against our friend's neck.
"How did you dare stealing him from me?!" I looked at Aiba with killing eyes.
"Jun, please, not now." Sho sighed, turning his face. I blinked, seeing the big dark shadows under his red puffy eyes. Had he cried?
"You should mind your own business, Matsumoto-san." Aiba replied coldly. I wasn't used to be talked like that to. Aiba was always cheerful and kind, he never talked to you like that.
"Sho, we need to talk." I ignored Masaki to stare at Sho who shook his head.
"There is nothing to say."
"Please!" I implored but Aiba wrapped him protectively.
"Go being selfish with someone else."
"Excuse me?" I arched an eyebrow in disbelief.
"We all know Hiroki's death hurt you but you are pretty arrogant if you think I'll let you destroy my best friend without doing anything." Aiba stood up, his eyes throwing flashes.
"Masaki..."
"No. I have enough, Sho! I can't stand anymore the way he uses you! If you want to be a spoilt princess, find someone else."
"Bastard!" I grabbed Aiba's collar but Sho stopped me.
"Stop it, you two! You really are selfish!" Sho yelled and left the room under our shocked eyes.
"I thought you were better than that, Jun but I guess I was wrong. You just think about your own little person and the group but not about your family." Aiba said coldly before leaving. I stared at the gap with lost eyes. Maybe he was right. Taking my bag, I left the Jimushou without warning anyone. I didn't come back the next day and ignored my phone that was buzzing for hours. They could continue Arashi without me, after all. If I was that egoist. I drank a lot, trying to erase the pain but nothing worked, I just wanted to die even more. Why couldn't I let Sho go. I knew he wasn't happy with me but just thinking about letting him go was too painful. I just should find someone else to fuck my brain out.
My doorbell rang and opening, I saw Sho staring at me with furious and sad eyes.
"What are you playing at, Jun?"
"Aiba was right. I'm selfish, you can continue Arashi without me."
"Oh, we should throw a pity party, then." Sho smirked.
"Shut up! You're the worst, you leave me just because Aiba is better in bed, ne?! You're tired of fucking with me for three years?!" I gasped when his hand hit my cheek.
"How can you say that?!!! How can you even think about that?!!! You're a monster, Matsumoto Jun, you just hurt the persons who love you! You'll end alone, Hiroki is lucky not to be here anymore!!!" Sho yelled but froze when he realized the meaning of his words. Tears were rolling down my cheeks but I smiled weakly.
"You're right. He is better where he is."
"Jun, I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."
"At least, I don't make him suffer anymore. Excuse me, the monster wants to be alone." I tried to close the door but Sho pushed me roughly inside to smack me against the wall. "What..." I gasped when his lips hit mines.
"Fuck me if it can stop your pain. Fuck me if it can stop your tears." Sho whispered.
"Sho, I..."
"I promised you to be here... Release your pain but don't leave Arashi nor us." Sho pressed our bodies together, making me moan.
We made love roughly, moaning loudly in pleasure though, we both cried in pain. A psychical pain. Why couldn't I give him what he wanted? Why couldn't I let him go?
"I love you so much, Jun." I thought I heard Sho's broken voice whispering.
"Jun!" A voice called.
"Hiro?" I gasped, seeing the love of my life waving his hand.
"What are you doing, babe?" Hiroki stroked my cheek with sad eyes.
"I'm trying to survive." I whispered.
"Let me go. Stop trying to keep me by your side, I'm dead, Jun." I cried at his words.
"I can't."
"It was an accident, Jun and it's been three years, stop hurting yourself and the persons who loves you."
"Nobody can love me, I'm ugly and empty inside."
"Babe, it's about time you realize there is a person desperately waiting for you." Hiroki kissed my hand.
"I can't. I can't let you go." I sobbed.
"You have to. I'm dead, Jun and nothing will change that. Be happy, live your life and keep me like a happy memory. Move on."
"It's too hard..." I hugged him, crying loudly.
"You can't love a ghost, Jun. And you are in love with someone."
"I just fuck with Sho." I replied.
"Really? Then, why is it so painful to let him go? Why can't you just find someone else to fuck?"
"Because he is good in bed."
"Because he has always been here for you. He was here when I left you and healed your heart. The pain you are feeling is because you are scared. Scared of loving someone else than me. Scared to lose another person. But Jun, it's life. You can't reject everybody because of your fears. Don't think about the past, live in the present. You can be happy with him. Forget your fears and open your heart."
"I won't handle it if they take him away from me too. Not twice."
"Then, you'll end alone and miserable. Don't you think you will even more suffer if he goes to Aiba? How will you feel when they will be kissing, when they will go home to make love?"
"Stop!" I sobbed, grabbing my head with both hands.
"Rejecting him is hurting you even more, Jun. We all have to leave one day, it's life but we can't stop living for the ones who died."
"I miss you so much."
"Me too, babe. But I'm dead and you are alive, you have to live."
"Hiro..." I sobbed and kissed him. My lover smiled and kissed me back with all the love he had for me but strangely, it wasn't his face I was seeing but Sho's.
"You've understood. Go to him. Make him as happy as you made me when I was here. I love you, Jun."
"I love you too. So much and forever." I cried before everything turned black.
I opened my eyes with a moan of pain, my head aching like hell. I was alone in my bed, the sign Sho had left after I had hurt him again. I stood up and took a quick shower but when I opened my door to leave, a big punch hit my face, making me fall on the ground.
"I told you to stay away from him!!!!"
"Masaki?" I gasped, wiping the blood on my lips.
"I swear I'll kill you if you approach him again!"
"I didn't want to hurt him..." I protested.
"It's too late. Three years, Jun! He was waiting for three fucking years! We all told him it was useless but he ignored us, saying he had promised to heal your heart even if it meant destroying his! He gave you everything and you just crashed him down! So, now he has decided to move on, don't approach him again! Let him heal his wounds! Let me heal the pain you did to him!"
"Wait, I can repair everything! I love him!"
"Words slip easily from your mouth, Matsumoto but they mean nothing." Aiba snapped.
"I'll prove you I'm sincere!"
"It's too late. Let him go, he deserves better, I'll make him happy." Aiba said coldly before leaving.
I clenched my fists angrily, knowing he was right. I didn't deserve him. But I was ready to repair all my mistakes! I would show them Sho was mine and I was his. Because Hiro was right. I loved Sho. It's why I couldn't let him go. Because just imagining him in someone else's arms hurt me more than anything. I needed him. Like a junkie needed his drug. He was my heroin, my coke, my reason to live.
I blinked at this realization. Yes. He was the reason why I could get up everyday, the reason why I hadn't jumped under a train. I had to prove him my sincerity. But not with words. With acts. Like Aiba said, it was easy to talk but harder to prove our words.
I decided to let Sho in peace for a while, thinking about something to show him how much he meant to me. It was horrible, he was ignoring me everyday and a cold atmosphere was wrapping the group, though, we never showed it in front of the cameras.
Months passed and I did my best to ignore Aiba and Sho making out. Their kisses were killing me slowly but I knew I deserved this pain. Why had I been so horrible with the only person who was here for me and loved me? Why did I reject the only man who tried to heal my heart and make me move on? I was just a shit. But I understood there was maybe still a chance for Sho to forgive me. I deserved his anger but I would definitely prove him how much I needed him and how much I loved him. I would repair all the pain I did to him.
*****
The lights switched off and the music started. I walked on the stage, the screen behind me showing a movie.
I'm not a perfect person
There are many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
On the screen, you could see a girl and a guy in a car. They were laughing and sometimes kissing happily while the man was driving but suddenly, another car crashed into them violently. The guy opened his eyes with difficulty, blood rolling down his temples and seeing his unconscious girlfriend, pulled her out of the car. As she wasn't opening her eyes, the man massaged her, trying to make her breath but her face was already cold and white despite the blood on her cheek. The man screamed in pain, hugging her against his chest to warm her body but it was useless, she was dead. The guy kept crying, refusing to let her go when the ambulance came to take her body. Letting her go would mean she really had left him alone on this fucking earth. She couldn't leave him. She hadn't the right to. They were young, they had all their life to live. They had so many things to do together. She couldn't leave. Not now. Not like that. They wanted to go to Paris, to eat pasta in Italia, to see the Liberty's statue. They had to make children, to get married and mostly, to love each other for many years. But it was impossible because she was dead. She had abandoned him.
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
The movie continued, showing the man meeting another girl. She was like a sunshine, like a new breath for his broken lungs. Like a new heart to fill the empty place in his chest. He loved her. Since the beginning. Since the day she said she would always be here for him. Since the first time her kind and loving eyes had met his. He loved her but refused to open his heart for her, too afraid to lose it a second time. They spent lots of time together. The time he should have spent with his dead girlfriend. But it didn't hurt because it was as if they were meant to live that. As if the unfinished things were finally going to be done. He felt as if he was breathing and living again. But his fears prevented him to make her happy. The man on the screen made her cry so many times, though, she stayed, she never left because she loved him and wanted to keep her promise.
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is You
And the reason is You
He hurt her again and again but never realized it, too selfish to really see the pain he was causing to her. Until one day, her belongings disappeared of his apartment. One day, the man came home and didn't find her. She had left. She had given up, understanding he would never see her nor love her, though, she was wrong, he couldn't live without her anymore.
They didn't see each other for months but one day, the man found her with someone else. She was laughing like never before and her belly was swollen. She froze when she saw him, her hand automatically wrapping her stomach as if she tried to protect the little life inside. The man fell on his knees, tears rolling down his cheeks. He understood he had lost her by acting so selfishly. He had pushed her away, afraid to love again and end hurt but seeing her with someone else was worse. The man cried in the middle of the street, wishing to disappear of the world but for his surprise, she knelt down in front of him and took his hand to put it on her belly, whispering how happy she was to have his baby inside her. The man cried harder if it was possible and hugged her, finally telling her the words she was desperately waiting for. He decided not to ever let her go because of a stupid fear. Now, he could show her how important she was for him. Words were useless, his acts will prove his sincerity. Because he wasn't a perfect person but he had found his reason to live and was ready to change.
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
The movie stopped with the couple walking happily hand in hand with a baby in a stroller. For the end of my song, water appeared in front of me like for the perf of Akashi in popcorn, showing my face before the words 'I'm sorry' appeared in purple, the lights reflecting it on the water. I was crying for a moment but I didn't care, I wanted Sho to see my real feelings. I felt better after showing what happened to me, to tell him what happened this day because I had always refused to talk about the accident. I had always avoided the subject, keeping deep inside me the pain of this day. It was sappy, corny, stupid or whatever you would think but it was my way to show him how much I loved him and didn't want to lose him. Because like for this man, Sho was my reason to live. He was the most beautiful part of my heart and I wanted to treasure him like he deserved.
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
The music stopped and I left the stage under the happy screams of the fans. It would be hard to face Sho for the second part of the concert but I was ready. I wasn't scared of my feelings anymore.
Sho didn't say anything and avoided my look until the end. Maybe it was useless. Maybe I had totally lost him. If he rejected me, I wouldn't overcome it this time.
When I left the changing room, my bag on my shoulder, I sighed sadly, leaving the dome to go home and drink. I needed to forget this rejection.
"Jun!" I turned around to see Aiba running toward me.
"Not tonight, I'm not in the mood to fight." I sighed tiredly but for my surprise, Aiba hugged me.
"It's how a real man should act. I'm proud of you, you've grown up." Aiba grinned and kissed my forehead before leaving. I stared at his shadow with shocked eyes and shrugged. Concerts had the effect of alcohol on him. I chuckled sadly and left, looking at the sky full of stars.
"The sky is wonderful tonight." I jumped and turned my head to see Sho next to me.
"Yes." I just said.
"I'm not with Masaki." Sho said out of the blue.
"Oh."
"In fact, he just tried to appease my pain."
"Sho, I..."
"I know. The song was wonderful and I liked the movie and the water's effects."
"It was for you. To tell you how much I love you, though, I know it's useless and too late now. I'm so stupid and selfish but I can't stop loving you."
"It was the most beautiful confession I could wish for. Jun?"
"Hun?"
"What happen at the end of the movie?"
"He finds her pregnant with his child and tells her all the things he should have told her before hurting her."
"He was so stupid."
"Yes. But also too scared to admit his feelings because losing her would have been the worst thing of his life."
Sho suddenly grabbed my nape to press our lips together. I was puzzled but kissed him back with all the love I felt for him. It was the best kiss ever. I stroked his cheek, our tongues playing with each other, soft moans leaving our throats before Sho pulled away.
"And then?"
"She forgives him and goes back to him. Haven't you watched?" I joked sadly.
"I have." Sho looked at me with a bright smile. "Let's go home." Sho added, taking my hand in his.
I think I had never smiled like that before and even wrapped Sho's waist to lean my head on his shoulder. I felt his lips kissing my temple, tears of happiness rolling down my cheeks. He was forgiving me, he was giving me another chance. Because I had showed him a part of me he didn't know and that nobody had ever seen. Because for him, I had decided to change who I used to be.
"Thank you." I whispered in his ear, getting a happy smile on his face.
Yes, I had found my reason to live and would never let it go again.
終わり :)
A/N: Just a silly one shot but as I love this beautiful song, I wanted to write something about it :)