another year gone
So another birthday down, and my 28th year on this earth has finished. Or commenced. I can never remember which it is. I believe its finished though since you have a 1st birthday. Life is like a computer science array.
A year ago I was just settling into a new position at work, which was awesome. And continues to be so. Let's face it, when you dream of becoming a game designer and someone says "hey, you're now a game designer" its hard for that to go too bad. About the only thing I've had to come to terms with is that the length of projects is drastically different from what I'm used to. And so on the on I'm on - and really have been on since last year - I feel like we're way behind since its not done yet. Of course, its more or less on schedule, and in fact has no pressure on it to be done in its originally scoped time frame, so there isn't anything to worry about there. Hooray for having extra time to polish and make better.
A year ago, I was still battling loneliness and a fair amount of angst. Today... pretty much still fighting those two things but with more perspective. Partially through self-introspection, but mostly through sessions with a therapist, I've really started to recognize many of the things that drive me to be who I am - which in turn, sadly, propagate the loneliness and angst. Like many people on this planet, I'm really hard on myself. Add to that a fear of crowds, and very little drive to "go out" and "do things" it becomes pretty hard to meet anyone. And to return to the hard on myself bit, it makes it hard for me to see why anyone would respond favorably to any sort of ... well... anything and so... etc. etc. I'm sure you can see where this is going.
I'm working on it, slowly. And am heading in the right direction, slowly. So its at least a little positive in that direction.
Letsee... what else.
I've been dealing with issues of coming out - something I thought was well behind me. I came out to pretty much everyone in college, and figured I was done and relatively well adjusted. I stopped "coming out" to people actively, adopting the policy that its approximately like walking up to someone and going "My hair is black." or "I'm chinese" or "I'm male". It's a fundamental part of me, and its advertised in the way I live my life and who I am.
Of course, recently I've come to sort of question whether I adopted that because I'm fabulously well adjusted or if I'm just hiding behind that and not really dealing with underlying issues of my own ups and downs with my sexuality. I still feel that my ideas on coming out are correct: I don't feel like coming out should be some huge deal every time or anything. I do believe its a fundamental piece of who I am so I feel weird making it into anything other than possibly a passing thing.
So I'm still working through that. Its kind of an abbreviated brain dump there. But its what you're going to get.
Somewhat frustrated with not really being able to create my own game ideas since I can't program well, and don't really feel like putting in the copious amounts of work it would take to get me up to snuff. Again its a balance between my frustration and my apathy at doing anything about it. I started teaching myself actionscript 3, but thats been put on hold. Partially cause I got another project to take up some of my extra time. But honestly mostly cause I really dislike programming and so am loathe to do it.
Aaaaaand.... I think thats it. For this year.