Back again?
Well, what has brought on this sentimental side of me back? Funny how livejournal seems to bring out melodramatic tendencies in myself.
I've been troubled lately. My life was thrown for a loop early in October when I got a voicemail from my father. My cousin Hunnie had died the morning of October the 8th. She had suffered from cystic fibrosis her entire life. She was not even supposed to make it past the age of 4. She almost lived to celebrate her 30th birthday. She was seven years older than I. If the doctors had been right about how long she was supposed to live, I would have never even met her. I'm really glad they were. I really regret that I did not spend more time with her though. I took it for granted she would be there. There were times when I was at home and would think about stopping by and spending some time with her. I would always procrastinate on it though. Tell myself that I would stop by the next time I was in town. Now there is not a next time.
Many of you know the less than stable relationship I have with my family. In some ways that has improved but ultimately I still have the same feelings towards them. My cousin was set aside. When the rest of my family made me feel like something of an anomaly, she made me feel like family. Most of my family thought I was doing well during the divorce and the years after. I didn't really spend that much time with Hunnie back then but I know from talking with her later on that she was concerned for me and knew better than to think all was well. She was around me since I was born. She only lived a tenth of a mile down the road from my house. She was as old as my brother so at some point I lost contact with her for a while, as I was going through middle school and they were both going out of high school to their lives. We shared similar interests, exchanging books, anime and horror movies. Though we did not interact as much as I would have liked in my later life and I really can't remember much of my pre-divorce childhood, she was one of the most important members of my family. Where the rest of my family was always willing to tell me where I was wrong and where I was failing, she was enthusiastic and encouraging. This was particularly important to me at the time. I remember running into her at the flea market back home during freshman year of college. I had just had my two eyebrow piercings done. She made me promise to come back home with two more piercings and a tattoo or else. Then she drove up to Boone to pick me up so we could all go to a concert in Charlotte. It was completely out of her way and one of the funnest nights I had as a college student. Christmas dinner with my mother and richard's family, Richard's mother gave me some religiousish gift. Hunnie laughed at the fact someone gave me something so christian while I just tried to be appreciative of the gesture. I'm really glad for the times I had with her and I just hate that she's gone now. We had been keeping contact through facebook since she had been let out of the hospital last.
I didn't even know she was back in the hospital. I left her a comment on her facebook on October 3rd asking when she was going to be able to visit me.
The funeral was painful. A short slide show of pictures of her. Seeing her in the casket. Weird interactions with my family. Loud southern baptist preachers. Walking up the muddy trail to a family burial plot. One that some grubby surveyors are trying to take foot by foot. I cried every night I was home. Death had never really touched me. I had other members of my family die, mostly on my mother's side. I was either too young to understand or not close to them and thus not really hurt by it. I felt alone the entire time I was at home. Rachel was nice enough to put up with my constant texting and pestering, though my mother was not appreciative of the increase of our cell phone bill from my texting her and Karen.
I lost a positive influence in my life. Thing just fell apart last month. I feel into a pit of self-pity, messed up a friendship. I even resorted to my mother's coping mechanism one night, when i was feeling particularly self destructive. Shortsleeve, Ian and I took a lamp I had been given by my mother and smashed it until it was in twisted pieces. Then we took it to a grill near the visitor parking area and set it and an old journal full of love notes from sheena and burned them both. After that, I got royally drunk. Ian got alcohol poisoning. I yelled at someone on facebook and also caused a rift between one of my roommates and I. It ended with paramedics being called and me feeling completely shaken and loathing myself.
I've been feeling like my old self lately. That may be part of the reason I'm posting here instead of the journal I made after I closed this one. I continued to tear at a futile situation with someone and have damaged a friendship. It may not really matter, it was a rather new friendship. Life goes on and so do I.
I'm returning to myself. I care about myself and I do not want to torture myself anymore, whether it's due to feeling guilty about not spending more time with my cousin, or if it's some else. This seems as good a time as any to take an inventory of my life and reevaluate what I think and want. I graduate in less than a month. No longer a student, but still unsure about adulthood. Hopefully going towards Graduate School. I'd love to get into a positivistic psychology program. Though Cognitive-Behavioral/Clinical seems a much more practical choice.
Spring Awakening - Those You've Known
MORITZ
Those you’ve known
And lost, still walk behind you
All alone
They linger till they find you
Without them
The world grows dark around you
And nothing is the same until you know that they have found you
WENDLA
Those you’ve pained
May carry that still with them
All the same
They whisper: “All forgiven.”
Still your heart says
The shadows bring the starlight
And everything you’ve ever been is still there in the dark night
BOTH
When the northern wind blows
The sorrows your heart holds
There are those who still know -
They’re still home
We’re still home
MELCHIOR (Sung in Counterpart)
Thought you know
You’ve left them far behind
You walk on by yourself, and not with them -
Still you know
They will fill your heart and mind
When they say there’s a way through this
MELCHIOR (Sung Alone)
Those you’ve known
And lost, still walk behind you
All alone
Their song still seems to find you
They call you
As if you knew their longing -
They whistle through the lonely wind, the long blue shadows falling
All alone
But still I hear their yearning
Through the dark, the moon, alone there, burning
The stars too
They tell of spring returning -
And summer with another wind that no one yet has known
They call me -
Through all things -
Night’s falling
But somehow I go on
You watch me
Just watch me -
I’m calling
From longing
WENDLA & MORITZ
When the northern wind blows
The sorrows your heart’s known -
I believe…
MELCHIOR (Sung in Counterpart)
Still you known
There’s so much more to find -
Another dream, another love you’ll hold
Still you know
To trust your own true mind
On your way - you are not alone
There are those who still know
MELCHIOR (Sung Alone)
Now they’ll walk on my arm through the distant night
And I won’t let them stray from my heart
Through the wind, through the dark, through the winter light
I will read all their dreams to the stars
I’ll walk with them now
I’ll call on their names
I’ll see their thoughts are known
Not gone -
Not gone -
They walk with my heart -
I’ll never let them go
I’ll never let them go
I’ll never let them go
You watch me
Just watch me
I’m calling
I’m calling -
And one day all will know
I've been troubled lately. My life was thrown for a loop early in October when I got a voicemail from my father. My cousin Hunnie had died the morning of October the 8th. She had suffered from cystic fibrosis her entire life. She was not even supposed to make it past the age of 4. She almost lived to celebrate her 30th birthday. She was seven years older than I. If the doctors had been right about how long she was supposed to live, I would have never even met her. I'm really glad they were. I really regret that I did not spend more time with her though. I took it for granted she would be there. There were times when I was at home and would think about stopping by and spending some time with her. I would always procrastinate on it though. Tell myself that I would stop by the next time I was in town. Now there is not a next time.
Many of you know the less than stable relationship I have with my family. In some ways that has improved but ultimately I still have the same feelings towards them. My cousin was set aside. When the rest of my family made me feel like something of an anomaly, she made me feel like family. Most of my family thought I was doing well during the divorce and the years after. I didn't really spend that much time with Hunnie back then but I know from talking with her later on that she was concerned for me and knew better than to think all was well. She was around me since I was born. She only lived a tenth of a mile down the road from my house. She was as old as my brother so at some point I lost contact with her for a while, as I was going through middle school and they were both going out of high school to their lives. We shared similar interests, exchanging books, anime and horror movies. Though we did not interact as much as I would have liked in my later life and I really can't remember much of my pre-divorce childhood, she was one of the most important members of my family. Where the rest of my family was always willing to tell me where I was wrong and where I was failing, she was enthusiastic and encouraging. This was particularly important to me at the time. I remember running into her at the flea market back home during freshman year of college. I had just had my two eyebrow piercings done. She made me promise to come back home with two more piercings and a tattoo or else. Then she drove up to Boone to pick me up so we could all go to a concert in Charlotte. It was completely out of her way and one of the funnest nights I had as a college student. Christmas dinner with my mother and richard's family, Richard's mother gave me some religiousish gift. Hunnie laughed at the fact someone gave me something so christian while I just tried to be appreciative of the gesture. I'm really glad for the times I had with her and I just hate that she's gone now. We had been keeping contact through facebook since she had been let out of the hospital last.
I didn't even know she was back in the hospital. I left her a comment on her facebook on October 3rd asking when she was going to be able to visit me.
The funeral was painful. A short slide show of pictures of her. Seeing her in the casket. Weird interactions with my family. Loud southern baptist preachers. Walking up the muddy trail to a family burial plot. One that some grubby surveyors are trying to take foot by foot. I cried every night I was home. Death had never really touched me. I had other members of my family die, mostly on my mother's side. I was either too young to understand or not close to them and thus not really hurt by it. I felt alone the entire time I was at home. Rachel was nice enough to put up with my constant texting and pestering, though my mother was not appreciative of the increase of our cell phone bill from my texting her and Karen.
I lost a positive influence in my life. Thing just fell apart last month. I feel into a pit of self-pity, messed up a friendship. I even resorted to my mother's coping mechanism one night, when i was feeling particularly self destructive. Shortsleeve, Ian and I took a lamp I had been given by my mother and smashed it until it was in twisted pieces. Then we took it to a grill near the visitor parking area and set it and an old journal full of love notes from sheena and burned them both. After that, I got royally drunk. Ian got alcohol poisoning. I yelled at someone on facebook and also caused a rift between one of my roommates and I. It ended with paramedics being called and me feeling completely shaken and loathing myself.
I've been feeling like my old self lately. That may be part of the reason I'm posting here instead of the journal I made after I closed this one. I continued to tear at a futile situation with someone and have damaged a friendship. It may not really matter, it was a rather new friendship. Life goes on and so do I.
I'm returning to myself. I care about myself and I do not want to torture myself anymore, whether it's due to feeling guilty about not spending more time with my cousin, or if it's some else. This seems as good a time as any to take an inventory of my life and reevaluate what I think and want. I graduate in less than a month. No longer a student, but still unsure about adulthood. Hopefully going towards Graduate School. I'd love to get into a positivistic psychology program. Though Cognitive-Behavioral/Clinical seems a much more practical choice.
Spring Awakening - Those You've Known
MORITZ
Those you’ve known
And lost, still walk behind you
All alone
They linger till they find you
Without them
The world grows dark around you
And nothing is the same until you know that they have found you
WENDLA
Those you’ve pained
May carry that still with them
All the same
They whisper: “All forgiven.”
Still your heart says
The shadows bring the starlight
And everything you’ve ever been is still there in the dark night
BOTH
When the northern wind blows
The sorrows your heart holds
There are those who still know -
They’re still home
We’re still home
MELCHIOR (Sung in Counterpart)
Thought you know
You’ve left them far behind
You walk on by yourself, and not with them -
Still you know
They will fill your heart and mind
When they say there’s a way through this
MELCHIOR (Sung Alone)
Those you’ve known
And lost, still walk behind you
All alone
Their song still seems to find you
They call you
As if you knew their longing -
They whistle through the lonely wind, the long blue shadows falling
All alone
But still I hear their yearning
Through the dark, the moon, alone there, burning
The stars too
They tell of spring returning -
And summer with another wind that no one yet has known
They call me -
Through all things -
Night’s falling
But somehow I go on
You watch me
Just watch me -
I’m calling
From longing
WENDLA & MORITZ
When the northern wind blows
The sorrows your heart’s known -
I believe…
MELCHIOR (Sung in Counterpart)
Still you known
There’s so much more to find -
Another dream, another love you’ll hold
Still you know
To trust your own true mind
On your way - you are not alone
There are those who still know
MELCHIOR (Sung Alone)
Now they’ll walk on my arm through the distant night
And I won’t let them stray from my heart
Through the wind, through the dark, through the winter light
I will read all their dreams to the stars
I’ll walk with them now
I’ll call on their names
I’ll see their thoughts are known
Not gone -
Not gone -
They walk with my heart -
I’ll never let them go
I’ll never let them go
I’ll never let them go
You watch me
Just watch me
I’m calling
I’m calling -
And one day all will know