Loneliness
So, Memory Lane has taken a bit of a detour, as well as a hiatus, so that I might bring you this update:
I'm alone.
It sounds so stupid and so woe-is-me, and quite possibly could be just that. I've always known that I've had some issues with insecurity and that depression was ever knocking on my door, my family has quite the history with it.
But it seemed that as long as I kept my emotions in check by seeing a therapist when things went south and going to group therapy to improve my interpersonal relationships, that things were always looking up. And for the most part they are, I won't flatter myself with adversity, I actually live a pretty solid life, I have a part-time job that pays the bills and when it won't, I've got a seasonal gig that fills in the gaps in my income. I have two loving families that are always willing to lend me a helping hand with things like medical expenses and big ticket items like my glasses and such. I have great roommates in Mangusu and Fafner whom I've lived with for 6 months and a year and a half respectively. My education is coming along nicely, I have a 3.0 and will graduate in December with a B.S. in Psychology. And if I do extremely well on the GRE then I will have a good shot at getting into a graduate program.
I suppose what has not been going so well with me is my relationships with my friends and suitors. Most of my friends are just busy, and it's ok to have your own life, I can't fault them for that. But when we go to seeing one another once a week reliably and sometimes even two or three times a week when the mood strikes, to not seeing one another at all it just feels off.
Then there are my Godparents, I've been making plans with them for three weeks now and every week without fail they cancel at the last minute. I know they both have medical issues, fibromyalgia and diabetes are no joke, but this isn't the first time it's happened and I doubt it will be the last, it's the reason we sorta strayed away from them for so long, but I really want to rekindle those relationships.
And not to mention romantic relationships...ugh. One guy breaks up with me the day after Furloween for reasons still unknown, but honestly it was a bit of a relief. I mean I REALLY liked him, but I could never tell him because I was always too afraid (and rightfully so) of scaring him off. So living an inauthentic life for him for a few months finally tore me up enough that I confronted him and then he just broke things off. But now we talk all the time and I think we're even still flirting, but he's always been so hard to read. I try to help him with some issues he's been having, but he's so mistrustful and obviously jaded so I wonder if I'll ever be able to reach him.
Plus there is a friend whom I've held dear for quite some time now. We dated at one time, but it wasn't panning out the way either of us wanted so we called it off. We have maintained a healthy friendship since then and have become each others' most trusted confidants. There was a while though, that we fell out of contact because of his dedication to a new flame, I had things of my own going on so I suppose I didn't think much of it at the time and the few times we did see one another we were more than cordial. So now both of our relationships have ended and while I don't delude myself into thinking that the two of us are ready for round two, I would very much like to have my friend back. He seems to be awfully avoidant though, he blamed it at first on anxiety, which I know he has and I understand as I've had anxiety attacks at work and they SUCK. But later he revealed that I'm one of the few people he's never felt anxious around. So then I dug a little deeper and found out that he was actually being protective of me because he feared I was simply on the rebound and that I would do something I regretted if I got too close again too quickly. I respect his insight, but I know myself a bit better than that and I know that while my most recent love affair has got me confused, I'm not looking for anyone to fill that void, I just don't want to loose such a dear friend.
So all in all, everyone has their reasons, even if I'm unaware of them, but the rationalization doesn't seem to make anything feel better. At the end of the day I still end up feeling dejected, unwanted and alone. Melodramatic as I'm sure it seems, it's just how I'm feeling right now and I wouldn't be doing anybody in this situation any justice if I were to be dishonest about my emotions. I've learned that lesson, believe you me!
Not to end on a sad note though, two good things happened today, I met a nice fur from down in South Florida. We chatted for over an hour before we both decided to head to bed, him from exhaustion, me from a migraine. The other good thing is that I hit the gym again for the first time today, I dragged Mangy along for moral support, but it wasn't as hard getting back into the swing of things as I feared...I've just got a long way to go to reach my old routine and then after that to stick with it till I have the body I desire for myself.
I guess that's it for now, catch you all later!
Regards,
~Kryos Syrella
I'm alone.
It sounds so stupid and so woe-is-me, and quite possibly could be just that. I've always known that I've had some issues with insecurity and that depression was ever knocking on my door, my family has quite the history with it.
But it seemed that as long as I kept my emotions in check by seeing a therapist when things went south and going to group therapy to improve my interpersonal relationships, that things were always looking up. And for the most part they are, I won't flatter myself with adversity, I actually live a pretty solid life, I have a part-time job that pays the bills and when it won't, I've got a seasonal gig that fills in the gaps in my income. I have two loving families that are always willing to lend me a helping hand with things like medical expenses and big ticket items like my glasses and such. I have great roommates in Mangusu and Fafner whom I've lived with for 6 months and a year and a half respectively. My education is coming along nicely, I have a 3.0 and will graduate in December with a B.S. in Psychology. And if I do extremely well on the GRE then I will have a good shot at getting into a graduate program.
I suppose what has not been going so well with me is my relationships with my friends and suitors. Most of my friends are just busy, and it's ok to have your own life, I can't fault them for that. But when we go to seeing one another once a week reliably and sometimes even two or three times a week when the mood strikes, to not seeing one another at all it just feels off.
Then there are my Godparents, I've been making plans with them for three weeks now and every week without fail they cancel at the last minute. I know they both have medical issues, fibromyalgia and diabetes are no joke, but this isn't the first time it's happened and I doubt it will be the last, it's the reason we sorta strayed away from them for so long, but I really want to rekindle those relationships.
And not to mention romantic relationships...ugh. One guy breaks up with me the day after Furloween for reasons still unknown, but honestly it was a bit of a relief. I mean I REALLY liked him, but I could never tell him because I was always too afraid (and rightfully so) of scaring him off. So living an inauthentic life for him for a few months finally tore me up enough that I confronted him and then he just broke things off. But now we talk all the time and I think we're even still flirting, but he's always been so hard to read. I try to help him with some issues he's been having, but he's so mistrustful and obviously jaded so I wonder if I'll ever be able to reach him.
Plus there is a friend whom I've held dear for quite some time now. We dated at one time, but it wasn't panning out the way either of us wanted so we called it off. We have maintained a healthy friendship since then and have become each others' most trusted confidants. There was a while though, that we fell out of contact because of his dedication to a new flame, I had things of my own going on so I suppose I didn't think much of it at the time and the few times we did see one another we were more than cordial. So now both of our relationships have ended and while I don't delude myself into thinking that the two of us are ready for round two, I would very much like to have my friend back. He seems to be awfully avoidant though, he blamed it at first on anxiety, which I know he has and I understand as I've had anxiety attacks at work and they SUCK. But later he revealed that I'm one of the few people he's never felt anxious around. So then I dug a little deeper and found out that he was actually being protective of me because he feared I was simply on the rebound and that I would do something I regretted if I got too close again too quickly. I respect his insight, but I know myself a bit better than that and I know that while my most recent love affair has got me confused, I'm not looking for anyone to fill that void, I just don't want to loose such a dear friend.
So all in all, everyone has their reasons, even if I'm unaware of them, but the rationalization doesn't seem to make anything feel better. At the end of the day I still end up feeling dejected, unwanted and alone. Melodramatic as I'm sure it seems, it's just how I'm feeling right now and I wouldn't be doing anybody in this situation any justice if I were to be dishonest about my emotions. I've learned that lesson, believe you me!
Not to end on a sad note though, two good things happened today, I met a nice fur from down in South Florida. We chatted for over an hour before we both decided to head to bed, him from exhaustion, me from a migraine. The other good thing is that I hit the gym again for the first time today, I dragged Mangy along for moral support, but it wasn't as hard getting back into the swing of things as I feared...I've just got a long way to go to reach my old routine and then after that to stick with it till I have the body I desire for myself.
I guess that's it for now, catch you all later!
Regards,
~Kryos Syrella