If it was me
Title: If it was me
Author: Maxime (maxime260)
Pairing: KyuMin
Characters: Kyuhyun, Sungmin
Genre: Romance, drama
Rating: PG
Summary: Kyuhyun is in love with Sungmin but he decides to keep it a secret.
Note: It's a songfic.
If it was me
I’m always watching
while a day passes by…
and another day passing by…
Well, he is my roommate. I can't help but see him day after day, hour after hour. Sometimes it feels like destiny - that is just has to be this way, that it couldn't be otherwise. I can't really imagine my life without him... having a room just for myself and living alone. The sudden flush of privacy would be for sure amazing but it would be so...
Quiet. No cheerful giggle in the morning, nobody to talk to in the evening. I would be surrounded only by silence which I would try to kill with loud music, the sounds of my Star Craft game or getting myself a noisy pet.
I can't stand silence. I could withstand being alone since I already am the withdrawn and lonely type of person but calmness is one of the things I hate the most. How could I wake up without hearing his quiet steps, the rustle he makes while fixing his bedding and his charming "Good morning, Kyu" that he whispers right into my ear to make me finally get up?
No, he must be by my side. Even though his presence burns inside of me, piercing me with thousands of knives. Even though I can do nothing. Nothing but watch him.
And I'm always watching, while days are passing by...
That person’s breath…
his laughter still... makes me shake…
I've fallen so deeply in love with him.
I don't even remember when I started to have feelings for him. It came so suddenly and so unexpected. First I wanted to deny it and I was so disgusted by the fact that he's actually a boy. And normally, boys don't fall in love with another boys, unless they're...
Gay? Am I really gay? I keep on asking this question every day and I can't come to a final conclusion. When I look at random men walking down the street, there are no specific thoughts that come to my mind. I don't really think "Wow, this guy's so handsome!" and even if I did, does this make me gay at once? The band members said so many times that another man is handsome, without being homo... or at least they never told me that they were.
So why do I have this feelings for him? Why does he make my heart beating so fast, my breath becoming so short and my hands being so sweaty? Why do I keep on thinking about him all day and night, wishing that he would grant me with just one sweet kiss? I need his closeness, every day reaching out my arms to him, hugging him tightly until he ultimately says that it's enough...
It's only him. Only he awakes such emotions in me, like nobody earlier did. His smile makes me weak and when he looks at me, I feel as if the sun stroked my body with its warm shine...
My tears fall again…
not knowing my hurtful feelings
he’s smiling…
I never told him about my feelings. How could I? He would for sure laugh at me or be completely disgusted. I still remember what he once said when he was asked in a 100-questions-interview about what he would do when one of his friend would turn out gay and wanted to go out with him:
"I'll refuse... And I'll introduce him to a good-looking person."
Confessing to him would be a suicide mission. He is kind and sweet, furthermore, he cares about me a lot and would never hurt me, I know it - but still, I can't expect him to accept my feelings. It would be insane to agree to be someone's boyfriend just because you don't want him to feel bad. No, he wouldn't do this.
I can't tell him.
The thought of loving him but the inability to be with him makes me feel just like a little child - hopeless, naive, insecure. Unable to do anything. He knows nothing about the whole situation, smiling at me every day, calling me his favorite dongsaeng and wanting to spend time with me. I don't show anything to him, just acting like always - evil and dorky.
But in the inside, I want to cry, feeling like a child again - and run away from him, just to end this pain, to stop this weird affection of mine.
I indeed am a withdrawn person.
A stupid person like me
immature person to me
could he once just look back?
Yes, I know
what I ask for…
it is meaningless to him
Since I can't tell him what I really keep in me, the only thing that remains is to hope that... that he could just once look at me the way I do. I want him to experience this feeling, this love that I have to him. The need of being loved grows in me, I long for it with every cell of my body. It shouldn't be anyone, it has to be him, only him.
Maybe I'm selfish, am I? Maybe I shouldn't demand so much, I don't even deserve it, a foolish person like me couldn't. But it's the only thing that I ever wanted so badly - just one man, being the most precious matter I needed.
Could he ever love me? That's also another answer that I keep on asking. Apart of the fact that he usually didn't feel anything for men, could I be the only one for him? I am an important person in his life, that's for sure, still I don't know if he could choose me. There are so many other people in this world, being more inteligent, attractive, talented and just better than me.
The hope in me doesn't end, yet he still doesn't know anything.
If only it was me…
the person that he loves…
If only it was me
Lee Sungmin, what do I have to do to get your attention?
Do I have to stop playing Star Craft? I know how much it annoys you when I stay up late in the night, with my laptop on the bed. Sometimes I wake you up by one of my accidental shouts and you always give me this dissatisfied glance, saying "Go to sleep, Kyu".
No, I have to play. It's the only way I can avoid listening to your calm breathing while you're sleeping. It also distracts me from observing your peaceful appearance and thinking about how nice it would be to sneak into your bed and fall asleep next to you, feeling your heartbeat so close to mine.
I have to escape from that.
So, what else can I do? Maybe I should be more straightforward, don't act so mysterious anymore? Tell you everything that's on my mind and don't hide my emotions from other people?
Or maybe I should be a girl.
For so many countless days
I have prayed
like the green trees…
Like the silent starry stars
as I look at him…
would he know?
Sometimes I'm afraid that I could accidentally show you that I'm in love with you. Make one unwanted move, say one word too much. It's so hard to control myself when I'm near you - my hands want your touch, my lips are in desperate search of yours. I can't even look at you for too long or you could get suspicious...
How long do I have to torture myself like this? It's ridiculous - on the one hand, I want you, need you and deserve you. On the other, I suffer and wish to be far away from you. I don't understand this contradictions and I probably never will.
So here I am, singing this song for you, hoping that maybe you will understand. Perhaps I'll awake in you the same... if not, I can still pray for that day to come.
The day when Cho Kyuhyun will be the happiest person in the whole world, holding you in his arms and whispering a silent "I love you" into your ear. The day when you will be mine, only mine.
Author: Maxime (maxime260)
Pairing: KyuMin
Characters: Kyuhyun, Sungmin
Genre: Romance, drama
Rating: PG
Summary: Kyuhyun is in love with Sungmin but he decides to keep it a secret.
Note: It's a songfic.
If it was me
I’m always watching
while a day passes by…
and another day passing by…
Well, he is my roommate. I can't help but see him day after day, hour after hour. Sometimes it feels like destiny - that is just has to be this way, that it couldn't be otherwise. I can't really imagine my life without him... having a room just for myself and living alone. The sudden flush of privacy would be for sure amazing but it would be so...
Quiet. No cheerful giggle in the morning, nobody to talk to in the evening. I would be surrounded only by silence which I would try to kill with loud music, the sounds of my Star Craft game or getting myself a noisy pet.
I can't stand silence. I could withstand being alone since I already am the withdrawn and lonely type of person but calmness is one of the things I hate the most. How could I wake up without hearing his quiet steps, the rustle he makes while fixing his bedding and his charming "Good morning, Kyu" that he whispers right into my ear to make me finally get up?
No, he must be by my side. Even though his presence burns inside of me, piercing me with thousands of knives. Even though I can do nothing. Nothing but watch him.
And I'm always watching, while days are passing by...
That person’s breath…
his laughter still... makes me shake…
I've fallen so deeply in love with him.
I don't even remember when I started to have feelings for him. It came so suddenly and so unexpected. First I wanted to deny it and I was so disgusted by the fact that he's actually a boy. And normally, boys don't fall in love with another boys, unless they're...
Gay? Am I really gay? I keep on asking this question every day and I can't come to a final conclusion. When I look at random men walking down the street, there are no specific thoughts that come to my mind. I don't really think "Wow, this guy's so handsome!" and even if I did, does this make me gay at once? The band members said so many times that another man is handsome, without being homo... or at least they never told me that they were.
So why do I have this feelings for him? Why does he make my heart beating so fast, my breath becoming so short and my hands being so sweaty? Why do I keep on thinking about him all day and night, wishing that he would grant me with just one sweet kiss? I need his closeness, every day reaching out my arms to him, hugging him tightly until he ultimately says that it's enough...
It's only him. Only he awakes such emotions in me, like nobody earlier did. His smile makes me weak and when he looks at me, I feel as if the sun stroked my body with its warm shine...
My tears fall again…
not knowing my hurtful feelings
he’s smiling…
I never told him about my feelings. How could I? He would for sure laugh at me or be completely disgusted. I still remember what he once said when he was asked in a 100-questions-interview about what he would do when one of his friend would turn out gay and wanted to go out with him:
"I'll refuse... And I'll introduce him to a good-looking person."
Confessing to him would be a suicide mission. He is kind and sweet, furthermore, he cares about me a lot and would never hurt me, I know it - but still, I can't expect him to accept my feelings. It would be insane to agree to be someone's boyfriend just because you don't want him to feel bad. No, he wouldn't do this.
I can't tell him.
The thought of loving him but the inability to be with him makes me feel just like a little child - hopeless, naive, insecure. Unable to do anything. He knows nothing about the whole situation, smiling at me every day, calling me his favorite dongsaeng and wanting to spend time with me. I don't show anything to him, just acting like always - evil and dorky.
But in the inside, I want to cry, feeling like a child again - and run away from him, just to end this pain, to stop this weird affection of mine.
I indeed am a withdrawn person.
A stupid person like me
immature person to me
could he once just look back?
Yes, I know
what I ask for…
it is meaningless to him
Since I can't tell him what I really keep in me, the only thing that remains is to hope that... that he could just once look at me the way I do. I want him to experience this feeling, this love that I have to him. The need of being loved grows in me, I long for it with every cell of my body. It shouldn't be anyone, it has to be him, only him.
Maybe I'm selfish, am I? Maybe I shouldn't demand so much, I don't even deserve it, a foolish person like me couldn't. But it's the only thing that I ever wanted so badly - just one man, being the most precious matter I needed.
Could he ever love me? That's also another answer that I keep on asking. Apart of the fact that he usually didn't feel anything for men, could I be the only one for him? I am an important person in his life, that's for sure, still I don't know if he could choose me. There are so many other people in this world, being more inteligent, attractive, talented and just better than me.
The hope in me doesn't end, yet he still doesn't know anything.
If only it was me…
the person that he loves…
If only it was me
Lee Sungmin, what do I have to do to get your attention?
Do I have to stop playing Star Craft? I know how much it annoys you when I stay up late in the night, with my laptop on the bed. Sometimes I wake you up by one of my accidental shouts and you always give me this dissatisfied glance, saying "Go to sleep, Kyu".
No, I have to play. It's the only way I can avoid listening to your calm breathing while you're sleeping. It also distracts me from observing your peaceful appearance and thinking about how nice it would be to sneak into your bed and fall asleep next to you, feeling your heartbeat so close to mine.
I have to escape from that.
So, what else can I do? Maybe I should be more straightforward, don't act so mysterious anymore? Tell you everything that's on my mind and don't hide my emotions from other people?
Or maybe I should be a girl.
For so many countless days
I have prayed
like the green trees…
Like the silent starry stars
as I look at him…
would he know?
Sometimes I'm afraid that I could accidentally show you that I'm in love with you. Make one unwanted move, say one word too much. It's so hard to control myself when I'm near you - my hands want your touch, my lips are in desperate search of yours. I can't even look at you for too long or you could get suspicious...
How long do I have to torture myself like this? It's ridiculous - on the one hand, I want you, need you and deserve you. On the other, I suffer and wish to be far away from you. I don't understand this contradictions and I probably never will.
So here I am, singing this song for you, hoping that maybe you will understand. Perhaps I'll awake in you the same... if not, I can still pray for that day to come.
The day when Cho Kyuhyun will be the happiest person in the whole world, holding you in his arms and whispering a silent "I love you" into your ear. The day when you will be mine, only mine.