Lost Souls
Title: Lost Souls
Author: Maxime (maxime260)
Pairing: KyuMin (Kyuhyun/Sungmin)
Characters: Kyuhyun, Sungmin, ninja!SuJu
Genre: Angst, Drama, Love
Rating: PG
Summary: What will happen to KyuMin once their love is discovered?
Lost Souls
Silence can sometimes be more noisy than everyday tumult, I experienced it myself. It captured me at those times very often, swallowing me in one piece into its weird world.
I hated it. It wanted to be my friend but I tried to push it away from me, like an enemy. Because for me, it was one.
'Leave me alone' - I tried to say every time, but it didn't left me. I was lonely, lost. And I had only it.
The silence in my soul.
-
"Kyuhyun, please. Let's forget about this all. I can't take this anymore."
The voice of the boy was filled with intense sorrow. He looked into the face of his lover, who was sitting across him and holding his hands in his own. He tried to turn his head, but Kyuhyun every time held him back from doing so, touching his chin gently and directing his glance on himself. He was therefore forced to look him straight into the eyes. Into those deep brown irises, filled with worry, the slightly widened pupils and beautiful, long eyelashes. He also passed his gaze down by the way. He stopped at those soft lips, now slightly opened, which looked so tasty and juicy.
He loved to look at him like this, to memorize every detail of Kyuhyun's wonderful face. But not that day.
"They know, Kyu. They know. They won't let us live with this... It's over, don't you see that? We have to stop this, immediately!" His scream was desperate, helplessness disabled him from top to toe. He didn't want to live in this state anymore. If he just could end this... definitely...
He wanted, yes, he wanted to! But the other person didn't allow him; Kyuhyun. He was stubborn, begging him; to give them another chance, to build up what had been between them, to survive. They were supposed to deal with everything.
Sungmin was losing hope. This didn't have any meaning anymore, not now. Fright was freezing every cell of his body, it was too late for another chance. They had to, they just had to stop this! Kyuhyun should understand!
"Sungmin. But I don't want to. We'll handle this somehow, you'll see... They are nothing compared to what's connecting us. They won't bring us down, never!"
This is how his lover was assuring him; he didn't believe in it though. Everything was lost, why couldn't Kyuhyun just understand this and let him go? He should. He had to. They couldn't leave this case like it had been before, Sungmin was feeling too weak to fight against the masses.
They were coming for them. Reaching out for them, with those ugly, slimy, filthy tentacles. Wanting to grab them and pull them down, tug them into their hell, into their world of incomprehension and disgust. Telling them that it's wrong, that it shouldn't be like this, that they should stop, that they will pay for their sins-
Kyuhyun came closer to him, which immediately turned the red alarm in Sungmin's mind on. He moved aside completely, not giving the latter the chance to try to tempt him.
"I told you, NO! Understand this finally, will you?! We are LOST," he said in a sharp tone, getting up on his feet and wanting to go away. There was something which held him back though, for a tiny second, something which caused his heart wrench and turn around again, looking at his lover. He noticed the pain on Kyuhyun's face, the same that he was experiencing himself at that moment; oh please no...
He couldn't get sentimental, not now. In deep repentance, he whispered a very silent 'forgive me' and turned towards the door.
"You always said that we don't care about the others," he heard Kyuhyun's voice.
"I know. Life is too hard though. Forgive me."
He left.
-
The days were passing by so painfully. Every day in the morning, before I opened my eyes, I was begging inside to see something unusual after waking up. An easy life, an easy being, easy feelings. Everything to be just like I had imagined through all those years, when we had been still living in an illusion of a perfect existence.
But I had started to feel them. Feel those gazes on him and on me, expressing suggestively that it wasn't actually that easy, that we were observed even when we had thought we weren't.
They had caught us in a trap, surrounding us from every side and pointing their fingers at us, saying noiselessly how much they'd been hating it.
Until I gave up, thinking that it would stop this horror.
-
Sungmin was running away from Kyuhyun, though there was nothing the latter could do against it. His feelings for him were so deep and sincere, that's why he had to do what his lover wanted, even if it meant letting go. He just wanted Sungmin to be happy, not to hurt him and to provide him a good, calm life.
What's more, he understood his concern... Holding the newspaper with a bold article about Super Junior's newest scandal, he just felt like tearing it into millions of little pieces, scatter them all over the floor and start to cry like a baby. He didn't do it though, since he had to be strong - for Sungmin.
Why could the world not understand?
A week had passed since Kyuhyun and Sungmin's relationship had leaked into public, being simultaneously a week since Sungmin had left his lover, not being able to live on with what was happening around him. Kyuhyun was living alone in their room after it had occured, Sungmin tried to avoid him as much as he could, staying mostly on the twelth floor by Ryeowook's side then. Actually, he wasn't seeing Sungmin at all and he was strongly worried about the other one's condition, though Leeteuk kept on assuring him that he was doing fine.
Kyuhyun didn't know however what 'fine' in Leeteuk's opinion meant.
He was feeling numb, not really knowing what was happening in everyday life, being in a state of complete ignorance and neutralization. He isolated himself from everyone, spending time at the computer, only being visited by the leader and some other members from time to time, just to hear meaningless things like 'You can't live like this, Kyu', 'You have to clear things with Sungmin, Kyu' or 'We need to make a public statement, Kyu'.
He was being perfectly aware of this all, however he stayed silent and in his own world, knowing that Sungmin will be 'fine' nevertheless, thinking that it will bring Sungmin his deserved happiness.
This was what Sungmin had wanted anyway, so how could it be wrong?
-
I kept on trembling and wondering if I could just disappear, vanish into thin air. Go to a place where nobody would know me, know him, where we could be together again and not worry about anything.
It was impossible though, so I just continued sobbing and praying for a miracle, reaching out for Kyuhyun who wasn't there anymore but also stubbornly keeping myself away from him, knowing that I had done it on my own and that I had gotten what I had wanted.
And it was still there, the silence. The silence which was even more hurting than all those people around.
-
It had been nine days, almost ten, when Leeteuk finally dragged Kyuhyun out of the room, bringing him by the command of the company to a meeting with the media, on a press conference where he didn't want to attend at all but had to.
Sungmin was also there. It was the first time since a few days that he was seeing him again; his former lover seemed to be fragile and weak, face pale and dark circles under his eyes, being succesfully covered up by make up and a forced smile.
Ryeowook and Hyukjae stayed at his side, comforting him, whispering into his ears every once in a while, until they got finally pushed into the spotlight: Sungmin, Kyuhyun and the manager. And they started to repeat the fixed line; 'No, we are not being involved in any kind of romantic or sexual relationship with each other'.
They returned to the dorms two hours later, Kyuhyun going straight back into his room, ignoring the shouts Leeteuk was making in his direction, Sungmin on the other hand leaving somewhere with the manager again.
-
In the night, the maknae was staring into the darkness, recalling the happenings of the day, seeing in his memories once again how lifeless and faint Sungmin had seemed to be, what made the urge of going to him and holding him in his arms raise up in him. However, he had to stay away from the other one, so he turned around in the bed and tried to get some sleep, since he definitely needed it.
What happened next was a series of too quick events which needed some time to be organized in Kyuhyun's head.
He heard the door being slammed open, the light being turned on with a loud thud against the switch and being immediately turned off again, the rumble of feet treading heavily across the room and then he felt the heaviness of a body being thrown onto his own and the shaking of the whole bed being caused by convulsive sobs.
Kyuhyun turned his head and looked down at the crying - no, hysterical - Sungmin lying upon him, face buried into the blanked and hands situated stagnantly on the younger one's shoulders. He straightened up as fast as he could and drawed Sungmin slowly closer to him, pressing his body carefully to his own, covering both up with the blanket and a palm gently brushing through his hair.
"What the hell happened, Sungmin?!" he finally squeezed out of himself, but got no answer in return. He understood that the latter was apparently not ready to say anything yet, so he just continued stroking and comforting him, keeping him close all the time and listening to the boy's crying. A big knot started to form in his throat, filling him with frightening worry about his beloved Sungmin. He had never seen him in such a state before.
Never.
The miserable boy eventually loosened his grip, kept on pressing his face to Kyuhyun's chest though. "They came after me."
"Who?!" Kyuhyun felt the heat burn up in him. "Who came after you?"
"Them... The bad people... The antis, the ones who think we shouldn't- we shouldn't-" Sungmin's voice broke again and Kyuhyun hugged him even stronger, not caring about the fact that they weren't supposed to be that close anymore. Everything he wanted to do at that moment was making the person he cared so much about feel secure and give him all the warmth and love he needed. Nothing more.
"It's okay now... They are not here anymore... I'm- I'm here for you," he whispered, hesitating to say the last four words but doing it nevertheless. Sungmin's answer was a short movement which included his face turning to the side and pressing his cheek instead of the forehead to Kyuhyun's chest now. The maknae looked down and noticed Sungmin's eyes being closed and mouth slightly parted.
"You know," Sungmin started to speak again and Kyuhyun focused on listening to his silent mumble. "I was so terrified... There were only a few people but I felt like there were hundreds, no, thousands, no, millions of them, they were laughing, pointing, shouting at me, I was surrounded by words of hatred and disgust, I couldn't take it anymore... The manager and the guards kept on protecting me from the crowd but I just wanted to die..."
Kyuhyun froze completely, not being able to handle with the images which were beginning to appear in his mind; images of Sungmin being the object of mockery, Sungmin in the middle of an enraged group of haters, Sungmin becoming disgraced by some idiots who didn't know what real love is.
He clenched his fists in anger, however the boy spoke on.
"I can't fight them, not in the state I'm currently in. I need you by my side to survive this, Kyuhyun-ah... What's the point in going through it when I am doing it for nothing, I want to do it for our love from now on... Well, do you still love me?"
The younger one shifted Sungmin a bit away from him, just to be able to look into his eyes.
"Of course I do. And I won't let you go outside without me anymore anyway. If you want it or not; we are in this together from now on," Kyuhyun answered softly and made Sungmin chuckle faintly. The elder pressed his cheek to Kyuhyun's body again.
"That's good," he whispered and closed his eyes one more time. "That's good."
"But they didn't hurt you, did they?" Kyuhyun had to make sure; Sungmin shook his head.
"No. They only hurt my soul."
"Stupid assholes."
They stayed in their position for about twenty minutes, saying nothing, only enjoying the warmth and their presence, feeling how much they had been missing each other. Finally Sungmin broke away from Kyuhyun's embrace, lying down on the bed and pulling his lover with him, so that they were both ready to drift away and sleep. Kyuhyun placed his arm under Sungmin's head and kept him close, nuzzling his nose into the elder's shoulder.
It felt so good to be complete again.
-
The silence was still there, though it became a more pleasant one. It wasn't the kind of hurtful silence anymore; it turned into the silence of mutual understanding and peace. The peace and calmness that Kyuhyun's arms provided me.
And I began to understand that it wasn't about giving up for those who were against us. It was about standing up to those people and showing them that we were stronger than them, that our relationship was more powerful than their threats and taunts.
Author: Maxime (maxime260)
Pairing: KyuMin (Kyuhyun/Sungmin)
Characters: Kyuhyun, Sungmin, ninja!SuJu
Genre: Angst, Drama, Love
Rating: PG
Summary: What will happen to KyuMin once their love is discovered?
Lost Souls
Silence can sometimes be more noisy than everyday tumult, I experienced it myself. It captured me at those times very often, swallowing me in one piece into its weird world.
I hated it. It wanted to be my friend but I tried to push it away from me, like an enemy. Because for me, it was one.
'Leave me alone' - I tried to say every time, but it didn't left me. I was lonely, lost. And I had only it.
The silence in my soul.
-
"Kyuhyun, please. Let's forget about this all. I can't take this anymore."
The voice of the boy was filled with intense sorrow. He looked into the face of his lover, who was sitting across him and holding his hands in his own. He tried to turn his head, but Kyuhyun every time held him back from doing so, touching his chin gently and directing his glance on himself. He was therefore forced to look him straight into the eyes. Into those deep brown irises, filled with worry, the slightly widened pupils and beautiful, long eyelashes. He also passed his gaze down by the way. He stopped at those soft lips, now slightly opened, which looked so tasty and juicy.
He loved to look at him like this, to memorize every detail of Kyuhyun's wonderful face. But not that day.
"They know, Kyu. They know. They won't let us live with this... It's over, don't you see that? We have to stop this, immediately!" His scream was desperate, helplessness disabled him from top to toe. He didn't want to live in this state anymore. If he just could end this... definitely...
He wanted, yes, he wanted to! But the other person didn't allow him; Kyuhyun. He was stubborn, begging him; to give them another chance, to build up what had been between them, to survive. They were supposed to deal with everything.
Sungmin was losing hope. This didn't have any meaning anymore, not now. Fright was freezing every cell of his body, it was too late for another chance. They had to, they just had to stop this! Kyuhyun should understand!
"Sungmin. But I don't want to. We'll handle this somehow, you'll see... They are nothing compared to what's connecting us. They won't bring us down, never!"
This is how his lover was assuring him; he didn't believe in it though. Everything was lost, why couldn't Kyuhyun just understand this and let him go? He should. He had to. They couldn't leave this case like it had been before, Sungmin was feeling too weak to fight against the masses.
They were coming for them. Reaching out for them, with those ugly, slimy, filthy tentacles. Wanting to grab them and pull them down, tug them into their hell, into their world of incomprehension and disgust. Telling them that it's wrong, that it shouldn't be like this, that they should stop, that they will pay for their sins-
Kyuhyun came closer to him, which immediately turned the red alarm in Sungmin's mind on. He moved aside completely, not giving the latter the chance to try to tempt him.
"I told you, NO! Understand this finally, will you?! We are LOST," he said in a sharp tone, getting up on his feet and wanting to go away. There was something which held him back though, for a tiny second, something which caused his heart wrench and turn around again, looking at his lover. He noticed the pain on Kyuhyun's face, the same that he was experiencing himself at that moment; oh please no...
He couldn't get sentimental, not now. In deep repentance, he whispered a very silent 'forgive me' and turned towards the door.
"You always said that we don't care about the others," he heard Kyuhyun's voice.
"I know. Life is too hard though. Forgive me."
He left.
-
The days were passing by so painfully. Every day in the morning, before I opened my eyes, I was begging inside to see something unusual after waking up. An easy life, an easy being, easy feelings. Everything to be just like I had imagined through all those years, when we had been still living in an illusion of a perfect existence.
But I had started to feel them. Feel those gazes on him and on me, expressing suggestively that it wasn't actually that easy, that we were observed even when we had thought we weren't.
They had caught us in a trap, surrounding us from every side and pointing their fingers at us, saying noiselessly how much they'd been hating it.
Until I gave up, thinking that it would stop this horror.
-
Sungmin was running away from Kyuhyun, though there was nothing the latter could do against it. His feelings for him were so deep and sincere, that's why he had to do what his lover wanted, even if it meant letting go. He just wanted Sungmin to be happy, not to hurt him and to provide him a good, calm life.
What's more, he understood his concern... Holding the newspaper with a bold article about Super Junior's newest scandal, he just felt like tearing it into millions of little pieces, scatter them all over the floor and start to cry like a baby. He didn't do it though, since he had to be strong - for Sungmin.
Why could the world not understand?
A week had passed since Kyuhyun and Sungmin's relationship had leaked into public, being simultaneously a week since Sungmin had left his lover, not being able to live on with what was happening around him. Kyuhyun was living alone in their room after it had occured, Sungmin tried to avoid him as much as he could, staying mostly on the twelth floor by Ryeowook's side then. Actually, he wasn't seeing Sungmin at all and he was strongly worried about the other one's condition, though Leeteuk kept on assuring him that he was doing fine.
Kyuhyun didn't know however what 'fine' in Leeteuk's opinion meant.
He was feeling numb, not really knowing what was happening in everyday life, being in a state of complete ignorance and neutralization. He isolated himself from everyone, spending time at the computer, only being visited by the leader and some other members from time to time, just to hear meaningless things like 'You can't live like this, Kyu', 'You have to clear things with Sungmin, Kyu' or 'We need to make a public statement, Kyu'.
He was being perfectly aware of this all, however he stayed silent and in his own world, knowing that Sungmin will be 'fine' nevertheless, thinking that it will bring Sungmin his deserved happiness.
This was what Sungmin had wanted anyway, so how could it be wrong?
-
I kept on trembling and wondering if I could just disappear, vanish into thin air. Go to a place where nobody would know me, know him, where we could be together again and not worry about anything.
It was impossible though, so I just continued sobbing and praying for a miracle, reaching out for Kyuhyun who wasn't there anymore but also stubbornly keeping myself away from him, knowing that I had done it on my own and that I had gotten what I had wanted.
And it was still there, the silence. The silence which was even more hurting than all those people around.
-
It had been nine days, almost ten, when Leeteuk finally dragged Kyuhyun out of the room, bringing him by the command of the company to a meeting with the media, on a press conference where he didn't want to attend at all but had to.
Sungmin was also there. It was the first time since a few days that he was seeing him again; his former lover seemed to be fragile and weak, face pale and dark circles under his eyes, being succesfully covered up by make up and a forced smile.
Ryeowook and Hyukjae stayed at his side, comforting him, whispering into his ears every once in a while, until they got finally pushed into the spotlight: Sungmin, Kyuhyun and the manager. And they started to repeat the fixed line; 'No, we are not being involved in any kind of romantic or sexual relationship with each other'.
They returned to the dorms two hours later, Kyuhyun going straight back into his room, ignoring the shouts Leeteuk was making in his direction, Sungmin on the other hand leaving somewhere with the manager again.
-
In the night, the maknae was staring into the darkness, recalling the happenings of the day, seeing in his memories once again how lifeless and faint Sungmin had seemed to be, what made the urge of going to him and holding him in his arms raise up in him. However, he had to stay away from the other one, so he turned around in the bed and tried to get some sleep, since he definitely needed it.
What happened next was a series of too quick events which needed some time to be organized in Kyuhyun's head.
He heard the door being slammed open, the light being turned on with a loud thud against the switch and being immediately turned off again, the rumble of feet treading heavily across the room and then he felt the heaviness of a body being thrown onto his own and the shaking of the whole bed being caused by convulsive sobs.
Kyuhyun turned his head and looked down at the crying - no, hysterical - Sungmin lying upon him, face buried into the blanked and hands situated stagnantly on the younger one's shoulders. He straightened up as fast as he could and drawed Sungmin slowly closer to him, pressing his body carefully to his own, covering both up with the blanket and a palm gently brushing through his hair.
"What the hell happened, Sungmin?!" he finally squeezed out of himself, but got no answer in return. He understood that the latter was apparently not ready to say anything yet, so he just continued stroking and comforting him, keeping him close all the time and listening to the boy's crying. A big knot started to form in his throat, filling him with frightening worry about his beloved Sungmin. He had never seen him in such a state before.
Never.
The miserable boy eventually loosened his grip, kept on pressing his face to Kyuhyun's chest though. "They came after me."
"Who?!" Kyuhyun felt the heat burn up in him. "Who came after you?"
"Them... The bad people... The antis, the ones who think we shouldn't- we shouldn't-" Sungmin's voice broke again and Kyuhyun hugged him even stronger, not caring about the fact that they weren't supposed to be that close anymore. Everything he wanted to do at that moment was making the person he cared so much about feel secure and give him all the warmth and love he needed. Nothing more.
"It's okay now... They are not here anymore... I'm- I'm here for you," he whispered, hesitating to say the last four words but doing it nevertheless. Sungmin's answer was a short movement which included his face turning to the side and pressing his cheek instead of the forehead to Kyuhyun's chest now. The maknae looked down and noticed Sungmin's eyes being closed and mouth slightly parted.
"You know," Sungmin started to speak again and Kyuhyun focused on listening to his silent mumble. "I was so terrified... There were only a few people but I felt like there were hundreds, no, thousands, no, millions of them, they were laughing, pointing, shouting at me, I was surrounded by words of hatred and disgust, I couldn't take it anymore... The manager and the guards kept on protecting me from the crowd but I just wanted to die..."
Kyuhyun froze completely, not being able to handle with the images which were beginning to appear in his mind; images of Sungmin being the object of mockery, Sungmin in the middle of an enraged group of haters, Sungmin becoming disgraced by some idiots who didn't know what real love is.
He clenched his fists in anger, however the boy spoke on.
"I can't fight them, not in the state I'm currently in. I need you by my side to survive this, Kyuhyun-ah... What's the point in going through it when I am doing it for nothing, I want to do it for our love from now on... Well, do you still love me?"
The younger one shifted Sungmin a bit away from him, just to be able to look into his eyes.
"Of course I do. And I won't let you go outside without me anymore anyway. If you want it or not; we are in this together from now on," Kyuhyun answered softly and made Sungmin chuckle faintly. The elder pressed his cheek to Kyuhyun's body again.
"That's good," he whispered and closed his eyes one more time. "That's good."
"But they didn't hurt you, did they?" Kyuhyun had to make sure; Sungmin shook his head.
"No. They only hurt my soul."
"Stupid assholes."
They stayed in their position for about twenty minutes, saying nothing, only enjoying the warmth and their presence, feeling how much they had been missing each other. Finally Sungmin broke away from Kyuhyun's embrace, lying down on the bed and pulling his lover with him, so that they were both ready to drift away and sleep. Kyuhyun placed his arm under Sungmin's head and kept him close, nuzzling his nose into the elder's shoulder.
It felt so good to be complete again.
-
The silence was still there, though it became a more pleasant one. It wasn't the kind of hurtful silence anymore; it turned into the silence of mutual understanding and peace. The peace and calmness that Kyuhyun's arms provided me.
And I began to understand that it wasn't about giving up for those who were against us. It was about standing up to those people and showing them that we were stronger than them, that our relationship was more powerful than their threats and taunts.