FIC: The Adventure of Obtaining the Family Portrait
...I promise you this fic will make veeerrrry little sense to you if you weren't in mallowmateys and/or following some of the in-game storylines around the time this was posted, hahaha. >.> Nothing but crack here!
Written for aliquot~ ♥♥
Title: Roronoa Sanji and the Adventure of Obtaining the Family Portrait
Rating: NC-17 (or the exact opposite of)
Pairing: MM-verse Zoro/Sanji
Length: 2000 words
~~RORONOA SANJI AND THE ADVENTURE OF OBTAINING THE FAMILY PORTRAIT~~
Jim-Bob looked warily at the next group of customers coming through the door, and wondered not for the first time why the hell he’d taken a job at Pirate Portraits R Us.
One of them was a blonde man, smartly dressed, his arm laden with what appeared to be two different cages, as well as a little girl whose hair matched his, her long golden curls pulled back into a neat little bow. With his free hand he tugged along another little boy with - Jim-Bob blinked and rubbed at his eyes - with green hair.
A look at the fourth member of the group explained where the boy’s hair had come from, but not…where it had come from. Green hair. What the heck was THAT about?
Quickly wiping the confusion off his face, Jim-Bob beamed at his customers. “Hi, welcome to-”
“Are we late?” the blonde interrupted, looking slightly harried as he dropped the boy’s hand and shifted everything else he was holding. “Fucking marimo overslept, even though I told him a thousand times - Zoro, where the hell is your tie?”
“What?”
“Your tie, dumbass, I laid it out for you.”
“Oh, that.” The other man, Zoro - and why did that name sound so familiar - grunted, crossing his arms and looking up towards the ceiling. Somewhere around his knees, the little boy mirrored his pose. “Musta forgot it.”
“…Forgot it,” the first man repeated, with what appeared to be the next big Grand Line storm brewing on his face. “You forgot it.”
“Ah, sirs!” Jim-Bob quickly spoke up, deciding the best course of action here would be to avoid that particular explosion in the making. “I’m so glad you could make it this morning. If you’ll come right this way, Mister…?”
“Sanji,” offered the blonde, at the exact moment the other man said, “Roronoa.” Sanji glared at him.
Jim-Bob looked back and forth between the two of them, and he quickly zoned in on the green-haired guy’s bulging muscles, scowling mouth, and - were those SWORDS at his hip? Dear god- “Mr. Roronoa!” he said to Sanji, with a huge grin that swiftly disappeared when The Glare was promptly turned onto him. “…A-anyway, um. We’ll get started right away, shall we?” He scurried off to the posing table a few feet away, hoping his customers would follow. Or alternatively, leave the store altogether. Either option was fine, really.
“Here, make yourself useful, idiot,” Sanji said, shoving one of the cages into Zoro’s arms. “I know that’s damn near impossible, but do your best.”
“Shut up, cook,” Zoro said, clearly speaking on autopilot. The boy beside him tugged at his pants.
“Dad! Dad!!” he hissed, looking after Jim-Bob warily. “How much longer do we have to stay here?”
“If it were up to me, we wouldnta come at all,” Zoro grumbled.
“Once a year,” Sanji snapped, as he set the girl he was holding on her feet and started fussing over her hair. “That’s all I ask. Once a fucking year!”
“Whatever,” Zoro said. He gave the boy a nudge with his hip towards the table. “Go on, Shitty Brat, follow that guy.”
Jim-Bob whipped around abruptly, his eyes wide. Appalling language was one thing, and he knew pirates could be brash, but this… “Sir!” he cried. “Forgive me, but don’t you think you’re being a little harsh?”
“Eh?”
“You shouldn’t call a child such a thing, s-surely you’d call your own son by his name…”
“That IS his name,” Sanji said distractedly from where he was now smoothing out the wrinkles in the girl’s dress. She looked awfully discontent for some reason.
“His…his name is…?”
Sanji nodded. “Shitty Brat,” he said again, like this was totally normal. Which it wasn’t.
Jim-Bob looked back at Zoro. And his swords. He swallowed nervously. “Might I ask where the children’s mother is?
“They don’t got one,” Zoro said. He gave a huge yawn, not bothering to cover his mouth, and looked extremely bored. The boy…Shitty Brat…did the same thing.
Several things suddenly clicked into place, and Jim-Bob swore under his breath.
These kids had obviously been kidnapped!
This man - with his green hair and three swords and first name of Zoro and the casual mention of the last name of Roronoa - this had to be Roronoa Zoro.
The famed Greatest Swordsman in the World!
Since when did swordsmen have time to go around nicking innocent children from their homes?!
Jim-Bob debated calling the marines, but then realized that was very Not Allowed at Pirate Portraits R Us. They had a strict No Marines rule, after all.
“Papa, I don’t WANT to!” the little girl suddenly shrieked, pushing at Sanji’s hands and stomping her foot. “Pictures are STUPID, daddy said so!”
“Well, daddy was wrong, princess,” Sanji said, reaching forward and straightening the girl’s bow again. “Remember how I told you he’s always wrong? About everything?”
“Oi!”
“But papaaaa!”
Sanji did a funny little twitching thing then, and Jim-Bob was alarmed to note that his visible eye - and WHAT was with that hairstyle? honestly - appeared to have morphed suddenly into a giant pink heart. “Ahhhh, PAPA’S LITTLE MELLORINE LOLA-CHAN JUNIOR IS SO CUTE~!!!” he cried, yanking her forward into his arms and squeezing her so tight Jim-Bob feared she wouldn’t be able to breath.
“Geez, shit-cook, let the kid, go,” Zoro said, plopping down onto the posing table and leaning forward so his elbows rested on his knees. “You just got her all unwrinkled, it’ll take you another goddamn hour to sort it out again.” Shitty Brat climbed up onto the table next to him, slouching forward into a similar position.
“But she’s my mini Mellorine~! Aren’t you, princess??” Sanji beamed at her whilst spewing hearts all over the place. It was a very curious phenomenon to behold.
Mellorine Lola-chan Junior stuck her tongue out at him, and then turned to poke at one of Zoro’s swords. “Daddy, I want to play with Wa-do Ichi-mon-ji!” She said the name slowly, carefully, and Zoro looked weirdly pleased at her pronunciation.
Jim-Bob wondered what the hell a wado ichi-whatsit was.
Then Zoro lifted the white sword he’d been holding, springing about an inch of the blade free from the hilt, and suddenly he understood. “Ah-!” he exclaimed, taking half a step forward, an arm held out like he’d actually be able to stop this crazy person from taking a swing at the child. “Not necessary, Mr. Zoro!! S-surely there’s something else you’d rather play with, right, Lola-chan?”
“Mellorine Lola-chan Junior,” Sanji muttered.
Momentarily distracted, Jim-Bob looked over at him. “Oh, is she named after someone?”
“Of course not.”
“…”
“Can we get this show on the road already?” Zoro groused, sliding the sword grudgingly back into place.
“R-right, yes! Of course!” Jim-Bob smiled at Mellori-whatever her name was. “I bet I could find a doll for you to play with while I set up, if you like!”
Sanji barked out a laugh, looking slightly pained. “Dolls. Right.” He gave the girl’s dress a final smooth down. “Nami-san and I tried that one already. Repeatedly.”
“But…she’s far too young for swords,” Jim-Bob said faintly.
“PAPA!” Lola-chan bounced anxiously up and down on her toes. “We’re cutting my hair off when we get home, right, papa??” She tangled her hands in her golden locks, pulling at the bow Sanji had just spent the past forever making perfect.
Sanji looked pained again. “But you’ve got such lovely curls, sweetie!!”
“They get in the way when I’m fighting,” Lola-chan said decidedly.
Zoro snickered.
Sanji shot him a glare.
“But she…she can’t be more than five!” Jim-Bob tried again, sounding completely flabbergasted.
“Four,” Sanji said tiredly. Lola-chan skipped over to the table and Sanji quickly added: “Careful, she broke the photographer’s kneecap last year.”
Jim-Bob took one very big step back. Zoro grinned and reached down to lift the girl into his lap, watching as Sanji stood and dusted off his pants.
“I bet we could take this guy, dad,” Shitty Brat said suddenly, leaning against Zoro and utterly failing to keep his voice a whisper. “Between the three of us. It’d be easy!”
“You wouldn’t even need my help,” Zoro replied. Then he grinned in a way that made his face look something like the devil, and Jim-Bob took another step back.
Sanji gave a longsuffering sigh. “Don’t encourage them, marimo,” he said, reaching down to pick up the cage he’d been holding before. He flipped open the lid, took what appeared to be a steadying breath, and then plunged his hand inside. Jim-Bob watched him suffer through what was apparently a miniature seizure, before he pulled his hand back out again.
Holding the biggest fucking bug ever. EVER!!!
“…WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!” Jim-Bob cried, taking three more huge steps back. A few more and he could make it to the exit…
Sanji quirked his eyebrow at him. “It’s Shitty Bug.”
“I - whaaa?” said Jim-Bob intelligently.
“Here, Shitty Brat - hold Shitty Bug.”
“What??” repeated Jim-Bob.
“I want to hold Roronoa Marimo Leopard-chan the Third, daddy!!”
“…What.”
“-Zoro! Watch her, dammit, the last thing we need is Leo running all over the shitty store!”
“Che. Dumb cat. Hold her tight, Mel, don’t want her trying to hunt Shitty Bug again. The cook would pitch a fit if there were beetle guts all over his picture.”
“WHAAAAT?!”
* * *
Once he got behind the camera - finally - it was the shortest photo session he’d ever had.
Mostly because he wanted to get the hell away from these insane people as fast as he freaking could.
“W-well. Thanks for coming…I guess,” Jim-Bob said, trying not to be too obvious in his attempt to escape to the break room. “Your pictures will be back from the lab in about…t-two weeks or so. Probably. S-so. We’ll see you then?”
Sanji shrugged and waved him off, too busy trying to stuff the grey-and-white cat back into her cage. Zoro ignored him entirely.
“You owe me booze, cook,” he was saying instead, stretching his arms above his head as he stood from the table.
Shitty Brat hopped down and lifted his arms up, too, tilting them slightly to the right like Zoro had. “Yeah, and you promised us ice cream, dad!”
“So I did,” Sanji grunted, and then finally just shoved the cage at Zoro and stood on his toes to drop Roronoa Marimo Leopard-chan the Third onto the man’s head. Zoro rolled his eyes, but ultimately looked like it was perfectly normal to have a cat curling into a ball in his hair. Which it WASN’T. “Not too much, though, you’ll be having enough cake at your birthday party tomorrow.”
“I’m gonna be SEVEN,” Shitty Brat said, looking inordinately happy about this for a moment. Then he schooled his face back into an impassive look to match Zoro’s. “When is that Long-Nose getting here? Isn’t he coming early??”
Zoro snorted, and tried to hide his grin.
Sanji shot him yet another glare. “Uncle Usopp,” he said pointedly, “should be getting in tonight. Uncle Luffy and everyone else will be here first thing in the morning. Theoretically. Though god knows with that crowd they’ll show up whenever they damn well please.” Sanji lit what looked like a much needed cigarette, then grabbed Shitty Bug’s cage with one hand and took Mellorine Lola-chan Junior’s with the other, pulling her towards the door. “Let’s go, everyone.”
“I can’t wait!!” Lola-chan squealed excitedly, doing a little hop-skip thing as they went. “Uncle Lucci promised to bring me a PIGEON this time!”
“……That fucking ass-”
“SO, extra sword lessons when we get home, who’s up for it?” Zoro interrupted.
“ME!!!”
“ME!!!!!”
“…Stop corrupting my children, dammit!” Sanji aimed a kick at Zoro’s ankle that the other man simply jumped over. “Shitty swordsmen, all of you! Next one is going to be a cook, I swear to god, I ain’t letting it go anywhere near you lot…”
Their voices faded away as they went out the door.
Jim-Bob watch them go and decided he was going to be conveniently home sick when they came back to pick up their pictures.
END
Written for aliquot~ ♥♥
Title: Roronoa Sanji and the Adventure of Obtaining the Family Portrait
Rating: NC-17 (or the exact opposite of)
Pairing: MM-verse Zoro/Sanji
Length: 2000 words
~~RORONOA SANJI AND THE ADVENTURE OF OBTAINING THE FAMILY PORTRAIT~~
Jim-Bob looked warily at the next group of customers coming through the door, and wondered not for the first time why the hell he’d taken a job at Pirate Portraits R Us.
One of them was a blonde man, smartly dressed, his arm laden with what appeared to be two different cages, as well as a little girl whose hair matched his, her long golden curls pulled back into a neat little bow. With his free hand he tugged along another little boy with - Jim-Bob blinked and rubbed at his eyes - with green hair.
A look at the fourth member of the group explained where the boy’s hair had come from, but not…where it had come from. Green hair. What the heck was THAT about?
Quickly wiping the confusion off his face, Jim-Bob beamed at his customers. “Hi, welcome to-”
“Are we late?” the blonde interrupted, looking slightly harried as he dropped the boy’s hand and shifted everything else he was holding. “Fucking marimo overslept, even though I told him a thousand times - Zoro, where the hell is your tie?”
“What?”
“Your tie, dumbass, I laid it out for you.”
“Oh, that.” The other man, Zoro - and why did that name sound so familiar - grunted, crossing his arms and looking up towards the ceiling. Somewhere around his knees, the little boy mirrored his pose. “Musta forgot it.”
“…Forgot it,” the first man repeated, with what appeared to be the next big Grand Line storm brewing on his face. “You forgot it.”
“Ah, sirs!” Jim-Bob quickly spoke up, deciding the best course of action here would be to avoid that particular explosion in the making. “I’m so glad you could make it this morning. If you’ll come right this way, Mister…?”
“Sanji,” offered the blonde, at the exact moment the other man said, “Roronoa.” Sanji glared at him.
Jim-Bob looked back and forth between the two of them, and he quickly zoned in on the green-haired guy’s bulging muscles, scowling mouth, and - were those SWORDS at his hip? Dear god- “Mr. Roronoa!” he said to Sanji, with a huge grin that swiftly disappeared when The Glare was promptly turned onto him. “…A-anyway, um. We’ll get started right away, shall we?” He scurried off to the posing table a few feet away, hoping his customers would follow. Or alternatively, leave the store altogether. Either option was fine, really.
“Here, make yourself useful, idiot,” Sanji said, shoving one of the cages into Zoro’s arms. “I know that’s damn near impossible, but do your best.”
“Shut up, cook,” Zoro said, clearly speaking on autopilot. The boy beside him tugged at his pants.
“Dad! Dad!!” he hissed, looking after Jim-Bob warily. “How much longer do we have to stay here?”
“If it were up to me, we wouldnta come at all,” Zoro grumbled.
“Once a year,” Sanji snapped, as he set the girl he was holding on her feet and started fussing over her hair. “That’s all I ask. Once a fucking year!”
“Whatever,” Zoro said. He gave the boy a nudge with his hip towards the table. “Go on, Shitty Brat, follow that guy.”
Jim-Bob whipped around abruptly, his eyes wide. Appalling language was one thing, and he knew pirates could be brash, but this… “Sir!” he cried. “Forgive me, but don’t you think you’re being a little harsh?”
“Eh?”
“You shouldn’t call a child such a thing, s-surely you’d call your own son by his name…”
“That IS his name,” Sanji said distractedly from where he was now smoothing out the wrinkles in the girl’s dress. She looked awfully discontent for some reason.
“His…his name is…?”
Sanji nodded. “Shitty Brat,” he said again, like this was totally normal. Which it wasn’t.
Jim-Bob looked back at Zoro. And his swords. He swallowed nervously. “Might I ask where the children’s mother is?
“They don’t got one,” Zoro said. He gave a huge yawn, not bothering to cover his mouth, and looked extremely bored. The boy…Shitty Brat…did the same thing.
Several things suddenly clicked into place, and Jim-Bob swore under his breath.
These kids had obviously been kidnapped!
This man - with his green hair and three swords and first name of Zoro and the casual mention of the last name of Roronoa - this had to be Roronoa Zoro.
The famed Greatest Swordsman in the World!
Since when did swordsmen have time to go around nicking innocent children from their homes?!
Jim-Bob debated calling the marines, but then realized that was very Not Allowed at Pirate Portraits R Us. They had a strict No Marines rule, after all.
“Papa, I don’t WANT to!” the little girl suddenly shrieked, pushing at Sanji’s hands and stomping her foot. “Pictures are STUPID, daddy said so!”
“Well, daddy was wrong, princess,” Sanji said, reaching forward and straightening the girl’s bow again. “Remember how I told you he’s always wrong? About everything?”
“Oi!”
“But papaaaa!”
Sanji did a funny little twitching thing then, and Jim-Bob was alarmed to note that his visible eye - and WHAT was with that hairstyle? honestly - appeared to have morphed suddenly into a giant pink heart. “Ahhhh, PAPA’S LITTLE MELLORINE LOLA-CHAN JUNIOR IS SO CUTE~!!!” he cried, yanking her forward into his arms and squeezing her so tight Jim-Bob feared she wouldn’t be able to breath.
“Geez, shit-cook, let the kid, go,” Zoro said, plopping down onto the posing table and leaning forward so his elbows rested on his knees. “You just got her all unwrinkled, it’ll take you another goddamn hour to sort it out again.” Shitty Brat climbed up onto the table next to him, slouching forward into a similar position.
“But she’s my mini Mellorine~! Aren’t you, princess??” Sanji beamed at her whilst spewing hearts all over the place. It was a very curious phenomenon to behold.
Mellorine Lola-chan Junior stuck her tongue out at him, and then turned to poke at one of Zoro’s swords. “Daddy, I want to play with Wa-do Ichi-mon-ji!” She said the name slowly, carefully, and Zoro looked weirdly pleased at her pronunciation.
Jim-Bob wondered what the hell a wado ichi-whatsit was.
Then Zoro lifted the white sword he’d been holding, springing about an inch of the blade free from the hilt, and suddenly he understood. “Ah-!” he exclaimed, taking half a step forward, an arm held out like he’d actually be able to stop this crazy person from taking a swing at the child. “Not necessary, Mr. Zoro!! S-surely there’s something else you’d rather play with, right, Lola-chan?”
“Mellorine Lola-chan Junior,” Sanji muttered.
Momentarily distracted, Jim-Bob looked over at him. “Oh, is she named after someone?”
“Of course not.”
“…”
“Can we get this show on the road already?” Zoro groused, sliding the sword grudgingly back into place.
“R-right, yes! Of course!” Jim-Bob smiled at Mellori-whatever her name was. “I bet I could find a doll for you to play with while I set up, if you like!”
Sanji barked out a laugh, looking slightly pained. “Dolls. Right.” He gave the girl’s dress a final smooth down. “Nami-san and I tried that one already. Repeatedly.”
“But…she’s far too young for swords,” Jim-Bob said faintly.
“PAPA!” Lola-chan bounced anxiously up and down on her toes. “We’re cutting my hair off when we get home, right, papa??” She tangled her hands in her golden locks, pulling at the bow Sanji had just spent the past forever making perfect.
Sanji looked pained again. “But you’ve got such lovely curls, sweetie!!”
“They get in the way when I’m fighting,” Lola-chan said decidedly.
Zoro snickered.
Sanji shot him a glare.
“But she…she can’t be more than five!” Jim-Bob tried again, sounding completely flabbergasted.
“Four,” Sanji said tiredly. Lola-chan skipped over to the table and Sanji quickly added: “Careful, she broke the photographer’s kneecap last year.”
Jim-Bob took one very big step back. Zoro grinned and reached down to lift the girl into his lap, watching as Sanji stood and dusted off his pants.
“I bet we could take this guy, dad,” Shitty Brat said suddenly, leaning against Zoro and utterly failing to keep his voice a whisper. “Between the three of us. It’d be easy!”
“You wouldn’t even need my help,” Zoro replied. Then he grinned in a way that made his face look something like the devil, and Jim-Bob took another step back.
Sanji gave a longsuffering sigh. “Don’t encourage them, marimo,” he said, reaching down to pick up the cage he’d been holding before. He flipped open the lid, took what appeared to be a steadying breath, and then plunged his hand inside. Jim-Bob watched him suffer through what was apparently a miniature seizure, before he pulled his hand back out again.
Holding the biggest fucking bug ever. EVER!!!
“…WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!” Jim-Bob cried, taking three more huge steps back. A few more and he could make it to the exit…
Sanji quirked his eyebrow at him. “It’s Shitty Bug.”
“I - whaaa?” said Jim-Bob intelligently.
“Here, Shitty Brat - hold Shitty Bug.”
“What??” repeated Jim-Bob.
“I want to hold Roronoa Marimo Leopard-chan the Third, daddy!!”
“…What.”
“-Zoro! Watch her, dammit, the last thing we need is Leo running all over the shitty store!”
“Che. Dumb cat. Hold her tight, Mel, don’t want her trying to hunt Shitty Bug again. The cook would pitch a fit if there were beetle guts all over his picture.”
“WHAAAAT?!”
* * *
Once he got behind the camera - finally - it was the shortest photo session he’d ever had.
Mostly because he wanted to get the hell away from these insane people as fast as he freaking could.
“W-well. Thanks for coming…I guess,” Jim-Bob said, trying not to be too obvious in his attempt to escape to the break room. “Your pictures will be back from the lab in about…t-two weeks or so. Probably. S-so. We’ll see you then?”
Sanji shrugged and waved him off, too busy trying to stuff the grey-and-white cat back into her cage. Zoro ignored him entirely.
“You owe me booze, cook,” he was saying instead, stretching his arms above his head as he stood from the table.
Shitty Brat hopped down and lifted his arms up, too, tilting them slightly to the right like Zoro had. “Yeah, and you promised us ice cream, dad!”
“So I did,” Sanji grunted, and then finally just shoved the cage at Zoro and stood on his toes to drop Roronoa Marimo Leopard-chan the Third onto the man’s head. Zoro rolled his eyes, but ultimately looked like it was perfectly normal to have a cat curling into a ball in his hair. Which it WASN’T. “Not too much, though, you’ll be having enough cake at your birthday party tomorrow.”
“I’m gonna be SEVEN,” Shitty Brat said, looking inordinately happy about this for a moment. Then he schooled his face back into an impassive look to match Zoro’s. “When is that Long-Nose getting here? Isn’t he coming early??”
Zoro snorted, and tried to hide his grin.
Sanji shot him yet another glare. “Uncle Usopp,” he said pointedly, “should be getting in tonight. Uncle Luffy and everyone else will be here first thing in the morning. Theoretically. Though god knows with that crowd they’ll show up whenever they damn well please.” Sanji lit what looked like a much needed cigarette, then grabbed Shitty Bug’s cage with one hand and took Mellorine Lola-chan Junior’s with the other, pulling her towards the door. “Let’s go, everyone.”
“I can’t wait!!” Lola-chan squealed excitedly, doing a little hop-skip thing as they went. “Uncle Lucci promised to bring me a PIGEON this time!”
“……That fucking ass-”
“SO, extra sword lessons when we get home, who’s up for it?” Zoro interrupted.
“ME!!!”
“ME!!!!!”
“…Stop corrupting my children, dammit!” Sanji aimed a kick at Zoro’s ankle that the other man simply jumped over. “Shitty swordsmen, all of you! Next one is going to be a cook, I swear to god, I ain’t letting it go anywhere near you lot…”
Their voices faded away as they went out the door.
Jim-Bob watch them go and decided he was going to be conveniently home sick when they came back to pick up their pictures.
END