bummed out

[mayalin]

So, here's the big lesson of the year that I give to you: if you have a life-shortening illness, don't ask the doctor how long you have to live, unless you have a really really good reason. Or unless you're pretty darn sure that it will only take a day or two off your life

Comments

[meryncadell]

oh my dear. I have thought about this often - i.e. what if I were given a prognosis of __ years to live - and yes, all I've ever been able to imagine is that it would be confusing. Partly (or mostly) because of the the length of time you've been told, it must be confusing, but also because... what does it mean? It's not like being in jail, where an inmate knows (once in jail) what every day will look like, in terms of what they can and cannot do, and the number of days remaining in there is quite set, and measurable to all. Getting a prognosis from a doctor is like a.... well, a number [I know I'm doing well here at eloquence]... but since none of us have yet lived our future, or the world's future, what does it actually mean?

I by no means am trying to diminish (ha. unplanned joke) what "5 years" must feel like to be told. I'm just trying to put my head around it. --If a doctor said to someone, "it looks like about two months", then that person would know, okay, probably not 20 years, but could be a couple of years; might be

[mayalin]

yes yes yes yes. no need to apologize for being musing or existential...I think it matches the tone of my original post and it's certainly where *I* am with this. Confused, still trying to wrap my head around it is right.
and yes, as the doctor said the words "five years," her hands were up in the air and the sentence was punctuated with a question mark. Then she said, "not a few years, but not decades, either." I'm working on understanding this...what I'm most certain of is that it's a lesson in living in the present and really cherishing myself and my life, now. It sounds silly but it's what I'm most certain of, for now, at least.
Thank you for your thoughts, they truly mean the world.

[meryncadell]

Hi,

I was thinking of you yesterday, and realized that I should link you to Erella, and some of her art. She's from Toronto (like me) and has had several brain tumours and surgeries. She makes beautiful "snapshots" of her life and her thought processes, using illustration and text.
http://www.erella.com/html/brain_00.html

-Meryn

[mayalin]

Thanks a lot Meryn. I've taken a quick look and it looks like a fantastic site. I really like her stuff.
thanks again
mollie

[crookedheart]

::hug::

i don't know how i would respond to that, i don't know that there is a a set way to cope or deal with it.

i think it'd be good if you gave yourself some time to grieve, but then were able to live the rest of the time to the fullest.

i feel so much compassion for you right now ::loves::

[mayalin]

Thank you Renita, and that's exactly what I'm trying to do--to be open to all of the emotions, which are all over the place, and to make lists of what I want to do in my life.
Thank you so much for the hugs and loves.
xoxo
mollie

[nightsinge]

I can't begin to imagine how you feel. I know that almost all of us, given a choice, would rather NOT know how much time we have. And some of us reading this may well have LESS than five years--

But we don't have that five year thing hanging over our heads on a daily basis.

I'm so sorry. I can only hope that this time frees you as much or more than it limits you. I hope you feel completely free to do, say, think, feel, explore to your heart's content.

And may every moment of your life be as happy and filled with love as possible.

[mayalin]

Yes, the perverse benefit is that I've been shaken into doing what's important to me in life. I just have to figure out what that is.

Thank you!
mollie

[mocksie]

I never know what to say, but I always want to say something, if for nothing else to let you know that I read every word you write and think about you all the time.

Thank you for sharing this with me.

*sending you strength*

[mayalin]

Thanks for the strength, I'll take it. I can use it, and will.
...and of course you don't know what to say, it's a weird situation, eh? In any case, thanks so much for the message.

xoxo
mollie

[iniswitryn]

As Renita said, I hope you can give yourself the time to grieve, and then are able to fill your life with the things and activities that matter to you most.

I do think of you often, even when I don't write, and wish you peace of mind as you process all this.

*hugs*

[mayalin]

Thanks Lori, thanks a lot. I've been trying to feel all the feelings, yet remain healthy and functional and strong. I have to say that, aside from a few moments of nearly coming apart at the seams, I'm holding it together. I have a great bf, sweet doogles, and good friends like you. Thank you.

xoxo
mollie