(no subject)
A grab bag of questions I can't ask anyone else...
If you haven't read my earlier posts (or just don't remember them) quick recap of my issue: Always assumed I was straight until last year I developed what may have been a crush on another girl (an all-consuming crush), but I can't tell whether I really liked her or just really wanted to be like her, because she is a lot like me, but immensely better. However, I also realized I don't have sexual feelings for anyone at all. So now I'm in the interesting spot of trying to figure out if I'm bisexual and/or asexual. I would love to talk to one of my friends or sister about it, but I'm kind of private about my emotions like that, so I have not.
As a senior in high school, I'll be going off to college next year. It's a giant state school, in the only other condensed and incredibly liberal area of my state, and I know they have LGBT things, and I believe things for people who are confused, and while I would love to take advantage of that, there's a large portion of my grade (as well as previous grades) from my school that go there. And my sister goes there, and knows a lot of people, and I have not yet discussed it with her yet, and wasn't planning on it until I figured everything out.
Also about leaving for college, because I'm hoping to figure everything out next year, should I mention my confused feelings to my friends before I leave? None of my group of very close friends is going to the same school as me, but will all still be in the midwest, and I'm hoping to remain close to them even in college. Would it make sense to wait until I know, and then maybe during a break when I see them next year explain whatever my situation is, but then tell them I never confided in them for over a year and a half? Or talk to them sometime before we all leave, and explain where I am now? Except I don't really know where I am now, so I don't know what I'd say. They'd all be accepting, but still.
This may seem strange, but for a while, I've been looking at people, and trying to figure out if they're gay. Women, really. I see two women together, and I automatically think they must be a couple, not just friends. It's just my new conclusion. I also have started to have an issue with thinking that girls in my school are interested in me, when I know they're not. I'm just being ridiculous. And I just got a facebook, and became very interested in seeing what genders other girls listed as "interested in." (I just avoided that by not filling it out at all). I can't figure out why I would do that, other than maybe I'm going a little nuts by not talking about my confusion.
And I really have no idea how to figure out if I'm asexual now, or if it's just the conditions of high school (the lack of attractive guys at school, the fact I'm not comfortable with the thought of someone seeing me without clothing), but the thing is that I like to joke about sex with my friends, and I recently downloaded Dan Savage's podcast, which is really entertaining. (In one he talked about someone with a low sex drive having their testosterone levels checked to see if they were too low, but a little over a year ago I had bloodwork done, and discovered that I have slightly higher levels of testosterone than most, so I have no idea how that figures in.) However, awhile ago, I was with my friends, and someone started the "if you were going to sleep with one guy in the school, which one would it be?" and they all came up with answers, and I didn't have one. I also realized, while they were listing all their crushes in middle school, and earlier in high school, I didn't have a single one, which struck me as strange. (that is, not counting the guy I had a crush on in 5th grade, or the girl last year). Does any of this make sense? Am I just very immature?
Sorry about the randomness of all this, but I really wish I could actually talk to someone about it, but I'm not so good at talking about serious emotional issues like this (especially mine), so this is the closest I'm going to get.
If you haven't read my earlier posts (or just don't remember them) quick recap of my issue: Always assumed I was straight until last year I developed what may have been a crush on another girl (an all-consuming crush), but I can't tell whether I really liked her or just really wanted to be like her, because she is a lot like me, but immensely better. However, I also realized I don't have sexual feelings for anyone at all. So now I'm in the interesting spot of trying to figure out if I'm bisexual and/or asexual. I would love to talk to one of my friends or sister about it, but I'm kind of private about my emotions like that, so I have not.
As a senior in high school, I'll be going off to college next year. It's a giant state school, in the only other condensed and incredibly liberal area of my state, and I know they have LGBT things, and I believe things for people who are confused, and while I would love to take advantage of that, there's a large portion of my grade (as well as previous grades) from my school that go there. And my sister goes there, and knows a lot of people, and I have not yet discussed it with her yet, and wasn't planning on it until I figured everything out.
Also about leaving for college, because I'm hoping to figure everything out next year, should I mention my confused feelings to my friends before I leave? None of my group of very close friends is going to the same school as me, but will all still be in the midwest, and I'm hoping to remain close to them even in college. Would it make sense to wait until I know, and then maybe during a break when I see them next year explain whatever my situation is, but then tell them I never confided in them for over a year and a half? Or talk to them sometime before we all leave, and explain where I am now? Except I don't really know where I am now, so I don't know what I'd say. They'd all be accepting, but still.
This may seem strange, but for a while, I've been looking at people, and trying to figure out if they're gay. Women, really. I see two women together, and I automatically think they must be a couple, not just friends. It's just my new conclusion. I also have started to have an issue with thinking that girls in my school are interested in me, when I know they're not. I'm just being ridiculous. And I just got a facebook, and became very interested in seeing what genders other girls listed as "interested in." (I just avoided that by not filling it out at all). I can't figure out why I would do that, other than maybe I'm going a little nuts by not talking about my confusion.
And I really have no idea how to figure out if I'm asexual now, or if it's just the conditions of high school (the lack of attractive guys at school, the fact I'm not comfortable with the thought of someone seeing me without clothing), but the thing is that I like to joke about sex with my friends, and I recently downloaded Dan Savage's podcast, which is really entertaining. (In one he talked about someone with a low sex drive having their testosterone levels checked to see if they were too low, but a little over a year ago I had bloodwork done, and discovered that I have slightly higher levels of testosterone than most, so I have no idea how that figures in.) However, awhile ago, I was with my friends, and someone started the "if you were going to sleep with one guy in the school, which one would it be?" and they all came up with answers, and I didn't have one. I also realized, while they were listing all their crushes in middle school, and earlier in high school, I didn't have a single one, which struck me as strange. (that is, not counting the guy I had a crush on in 5th grade, or the girl last year). Does any of this make sense? Am I just very immature?
Sorry about the randomness of all this, but I really wish I could actually talk to someone about it, but I'm not so good at talking about serious emotional issues like this (especially mine), so this is the closest I'm going to get.