(no subject)
i just wanted you to see the most beautiful yet insipid places i've ever been. you say i'm beautiful, but i don't want to be as lifeless and loveless as this island.
i want to believe that i'm better than this. how many times do i have to tell myself before i can finally believe it? i know i'm worth loving but for some reason i can't get past the fact that someone other than myself, well, has a past. what's wrong with me?
god, i just want something to believe in. something that people can talk about without being completely inebriated. more than that, i want you to believe in it, too. i sit next to you watching tv and ask you where i'm going to go when i die because i really want to know. i secretly hope you'll tell me it's heaven.
i read books about unrequited love and they honestly make me cry. i can be anywhere, doing anything, and i just break down. there are so many feelings i won't begin to pretend to comprehend. like i always say, "these things tend to be ephemeral," but the scariest part of it all is that i don't believe that for a second when i'm with you: my words are obsolete. i finally know who i am, and i'm strong enough to say i'll willingly let you be a part of it if you will comply. if not, you know i'll be okay.
the second you start to deny your feelings, you start denying who you are. how will you ever be able to accept yourself if you can't let yourself feel? let yourself live. i swear it's worth it.
denying your feelings is like substance abuse because both involve trying to alter your state of mind. think of all the people to love, places to go, and feelings you'll never experience when you're living your life trying to figure out your next method of escaping it. i'm begging you to try this. it's called life. open your eyes because it's waiting for you.