[Fic] For You (너를 위해)
Title: For You (너를 위해)
Pairing: Yunjae
Genre: AU. Angst. Fluff.
A/N: Inspired by Im Jaebum's 너를 위해 (For You) by Chae Jeongeun.
Summary: Kim Jaejoong always thought of himself as an efficient hitman. Life was dull and easy for him until Jung Yunho came bursting in like a freight train of sunshine on the loose.
28 January 2009
He pulled the trigger with a trained firm hand, eyes cold and unfeeling despite the desperate pleas for mercy from the man who laid in a mess of tangled limbs on the floor. Blood was gurgling from the man’s chapped lips. He frowned, slightly annoyed that the first shot had not finished his task. Without so much as a second thought he fired again, then once more for good measure. His target now laid motionlessly, eyes wide open but not seeing. He stuffed his gun in the back of the waistband of his pants, not even minding the familiar burn of the heat from the silencer on his skin. As he turned on his heels, a gentle buzzing from his pocket caused him to halt his steps. He retrieved the vibrating device and greeted the name flashing on the blinking screen with a tired sigh. “Hello-”
Maybe we are people…
“Hello, Jaejoongie? It’s Yunho. When are you free to come over? We need to get started on the project soon; it’s due in two-”
“I’m busy.”
He hung up promptly and tucked his handphone back into his pockets, turning a deaf ear once again to the spluttering protests on the other end of the line. Heels clicked softly on the polished floor as he walked away from the crime scene.
…tangled in a complicated relationship
~*~*~*~*~*~
He sighed as he flopped bonelessly down on the plain mattress of his single bed. Something was gnawing at him on the inside. No, it was not about his earlier kill; his mind had long been desensitised to such gruesome scenes a long time ago. He draped a weary arm over tired eyes, wanting to clear his pounding head.
And in his blank mind, he saw just one face. Yunho’s.
A small smile found its way to his full lips as he let the younger boy flood his thoughts. Reminiscing the loud boisterous laughter and the warm chocolate eyes, the smile slowly but surely became more certain and broadened into a full grin.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Life had been dull at first. Dull, but easy. The killings were just one meaningless death after another; assignments he had been tasked to complete. It was the only life he had ever known since Noona-nim picked him up as a starving, desperate child off the streets all those years ago. Life as a trained hitman was not as painful or as difficult as how those crime novels he read had portrayed. Sure, the initial training was hard on his young mind and body; but once he got past those necessary stages (and cried for days after his first kill) and Noona-nim started handing him assignments regularly, everything fell into an easy monotony - just pull the trigger, or draw a knife, or break a neck, or anything to get the job done. The victims appeared in his life and left just as quickly, never registering any impression on him. Many of his clients even regarded him as more dangerous than the jopok. He was good at what he did, and it was all easy.
And it was not like Noona-nim was a cold-hearted, sadistic bitch those television dramas seemed to favour portraying people in her position. No, she was just conducting a business; providing a service. And she treated him well. He had a nice room to sleep in and warm meals and generally, a comfortable life. Noona-nim even sent him to school so that he could have “as normal a life as possible”, as she put it. School, however, was a problem. School was not easy for him. He had to interact with many people instead of having the ease of silencing them with a bullet. And although he found those interactions hard and almost painful, he continued to attend lessons whenever he was not out on assignments and achieve stellar grades, if only just to please Noona-nim. Besides, the cold mask and ‘fuck off’-aura he wore all the time kept teachers and other students at bay. He made it clear that he would rather be left to his own devices. And then, school became easy too.
Life was pretty much uneventful and a breeze until Jung Yunho came bursting into it like a freight train of sunshine on the loose. He still remembered vividly the first day of marketing lecture when Yunho rushed into class a whole half hour late, hair dishevelled and clothes in a complete mess. Other students had knowingly kept the seat beside his empty, but Yunho just planted his butt down beside him, stationery and notes scattering across the table. Ignoring his piercing glare and icy aura, Yunho had turned to him with a brilliant smile that could rival the sun and extended a hand.
“Hi, I’m Jung Yunho.”
He did not know what compelled him to return the gesture instead of crushing the hand offered to him, but from that day on he found himself an… acquaintance. “Kim Jaejoong.”
“You have a nice name, Jaejoongie.”
“Jaejoongie?!”
They attended classes together, had meals together, hung out together. Jaejoong kept him close; he liked Yunho’s company. It was a nice change from his dull life and a stark contrast to the callousness of his secret job. But with all the colours that Yunho painted his life with, it came with a cost - the fear that one day, he might lose Yunho. Jaejoong feared nothing, not even death despite his dangerous work; but now every day he was hindered by a constant worry that harm might befall Yunho. So Jaejoong had to force himself to maintain a necessary detachment from the younger boy to protect him from Jaejoong’s lifestyle and all the dangers that came with it. Jaejoong hated it; having to distance himself from the warmth he craved so much, but it was the only thing he could do to keep his only friend safe.
~*~*~*~*~*~
4 June 2007
“Jaejoongie~”
“What?” he snapped, eyes narrowing dangerously as Yunho’s head hovered perilously close to his left shoulder, almost resting on it.
“I’m hungry; can’t you cook something for me?” he sent Jaejoong an irresistibly cute pout, round sparkly eyes and all. They were in the midst of working on a mock marketing pitch when Yunho decided it was a good time to demand food from a thoroughly stressed out Jaejoong.
“Go cook some instant ramen yourself,” Jaejoong jammed his shoulder into the offending chin the moment he felt the slightest pressure Yunho pressed onto his sweater.
Yunho fell backwards with an astonished yelp, back hitting the wooden floor of his dorm room and legs still crossed before him “Yah! Is your shoulder made of steel or something?” he complained, clutching his bruised chin as he blinked back hot tears of pain.
Jaejoong sighed, his fingers pausing in their dance across the keyboard of Yunho’s laptop and he flexed them instead. He shut his eyes and counted to 10, willing himself not to punch the boy in the face for annoying him, yet feeling sorry for the poor sod at the receiving end of his killer reflexes. Still, he reminded himself not to show more concern than necessary to Yunho.
“I’m sorry, alright? I’ll cook something to make it up to you, okay?”
Yunho bounded back upright like an injured soccer player who had just been awarded a free kick. “Really really really? I want ddeokbokki!” his chocolate eyes went wide and lit up. Yunho was this close to drooling on Jaejoong’s shoulder.
Jaejoong fought back a smile as he nodded, but felt his plush lips curling up against his best intentions.
“YAAAAY! Jaejoongie you are the best!” Yunho threw both arms into the air with careless abandon.
The older boy felt a blush explode on his cheeks as he got off Yunho’s swivel chair, making his way to the sorry excuse of a kitchen in the dorm room to prepare the snack. Yunho trailed after him like an over-enthusiastic newborn puppy. “Seriously, Yunho, you’re supposed to be 19; can’t you at least try to act your age?”
“But Jaejoongie,” Yunho pouted, resting his chin on Jaejoong’s other shoulder (seemingly having forgotten what that action had cost him barely seconds ago) and wrapping his arms around Jaejoong’s lean waist, “you make the beeeeest ddeokbokki in the world!” he swooned.
Jaejoong felt an instinct to roll his eyes and shove Yunho away, but he fought it back down. Usually he hated attempts at bootlicking and any intimate contact with others; but Yunho’s strong arms around him, his warm breath tickling his ear, all felt oddly… comforting. Jaejoong distracted himself from those confusing thoughts with the task at hand of preparing Yunho’s energy-refuelling snack instead. They remained in that position until the sweet and spicy dish was ready to be devoured by Yunho: said man with his chest pressed against Jaejoong’s back the whole time.
“Jaejoongie, your phone’s buzzing. Oh God, this is heavenly!” Yunho managed to let out in between stuffing himself with mouthfuls of rice cakes.
Jaejoong grinned and unfolded his arms from across his chest and went to retrieve the forgotten device from the floor where he last left it. Looking at the name flashing on the screen, he turned away from Yunho who was having food-induced orgasms at his study table and stepped out of the small room to answer the call.
“Hello?”
“Jaejoon-ah, where are you? I need you prepared for work as soon as possible.”
“I’m kind of busy…”
“The client specified that he needs the job done urgently. I’m sending the details to your phone. Drop whatever you are doing and go; now.”
There was no threat, no form of malice in the caller’s voice, but Jaejoong still felt the need to oblige. “Yes, Noona-nim.”
He sighed and leaned against the closed door, thumping his head against the hard wood a few times to clear his thoughts. The reality that Yunho’s warm company took him away from came crashing back in huge troubling waves. He was a hitman and that took priority over everything else. He had to ensure Yunho stayed as far away from his private life as possible. Jaejoong mentally scolded himself for not keeping his emotions in check. He cracked his neck and opened the door with a shuddering sigh.
Yunho must have noticed the stark change in Jaejoong’s mood for he stopped babbling the moment Jaejoong stepped in. Instead, his eyes silently followed the older man around the room as he watched him collect his things. “Jaejoongie…” he swallowed the remaining bits of starch in his mouth, “did something happen?”
“Finish up the report as much as you can. And don’t call me; I’m busy.” Jaejoong grabbed the last of his belongings, not even bothering to spare Yunho’s sauce-smeared face a glance.
“Are you angry that I made you cook? I’m sorry Jaejoongie; it won’t happen-”
Jaejoong stepped out again and slammed the door shut, leaning against it. He let out a long drawn breath before pushing himself off the wood and heading towards the stairs.
Sometimes like a couple, but sometimes like strangers…
As much as he had tried to avoid looking at Yunho, he could not help noticing the look of abject disappointment that had marred the other boy’s handsome features upon his departure.
Jaejoong also could not avoid noticing how painfully his heart had clenched upon seeing that face.
… Can we keep on living like that?
~*~*~*~*~*~
19 July 2008
Their first year continued in that manner, with Yunho returning to Jaejoong’s side despite the older boy’s bipolar temperament towards him. No matter how cruel Jaejoong’s coldness to him could be, it all seemed to deflect off Yunho and he kept coming back with never-ending enthusiasm.
Despite countless mistakes and separations…
From his experiences with others, Jaejoong concluded that either Yunho was just really bad at reading the atmosphere, or he was dropped heavily on his head as an infant.
A sharp pain shot up his back and ruthlessly snapped him out of his reverie. Jaejoong flinched, muscles stiffening instinctively as he hissed in agony.
“I’m sorry, did that hurt?”
There was genuine concern in Yunho’s voice but nonetheless Jaejoong shot him an ‘are you kidding me’ glare.
Most people would have cowered away to safety or just wither from the daggers that Jaejoong’s piercing eyes threw; but then again Yunho had proven himself to not be most people.
“I had to tie the bandages tight or the bleeding would start again!” Yunho defended himself. Even if he did feel threatened by the seething glares of doom Jaejoong was directing at him, he did a good job of hiding it. “And it’s not my fault that someone refuses to go to the hospital and get a professional to look at his injury…”
The older boy growled and Yunho shot him an innocent look. Despite Jaejoong’s best efforts to patch himself up earlier at home, the knife-wound on his back had chosen to start bleeding again in the midst of their studying session in Yunho’s dorm. He had recounted the unexpected presence of damn cronies of the now-dead Park-ssi in his report to Noona-nim, but he conveniently left out the part about getting stabbed by them. Jaejoong thought he could hide his wound from everyone until he healed, but alas, while he was really skilled at cutting people up, first aid was always something he struggled with.
“How did you get that anyway?” Yunho leaned against the wall across his bed where Jaejoong was currently sitting, folding his long arms.
“I fell,” came the nonchalant reply with a dismissive shrug.
Yunho snorted. “Yeah? And my mum’s Jeon Jihyun,” he looked pointedly at Jaejoong, the trademark mischievousness gone from his eyes. Seeing that Jaejoong had no intention of elaborating, Yunho sighed and pushed himself off the wall with one foot, shuffling back to Jaejoong’s side. He packed the excess bandages that lay scattered around the boy back in his first-aid kit. “Well you’d better drop by here again after microeconomics lecture tomorrow to change your bandages-”
“I’m fine-”
“-we don’t want the wound to get infected since it’s pretty deep. And if that happens, you’ll have no choice but to go to the hospital.”
Yunho stopped in his task to give Jaejoong a severe look. Their eyes met for a moment before they both looked away.
…you are still there
“And you’d better borrow one of my shirts instead of wearing your bloodied shirt home if you don’t want your parents to suspect anything.”
Jaejoong watched silently as Yunho picked up the bloody used gauze. He took in the other boy’s features, from the uncharacteristic crease between his full brows, to the warm chocolate eyes that were distant with worry, to the perfectly shaped nose and finally, those beautiful lips that were currently pulled into a thin, grim line.
“Thank you, Yunho-ah,” Jaejoong breathed softly, his heart aching to reach out and sooth the worry from Yunho’s face.
Every day I am in debt to you…
Thank you for patching me up.
Thank you for not asking me questions.
Thank you for allowing me my space.
Thank you for helping me keep my secrets.
Yunho looked stunned; his hand paused midway in its path to pick up another stray piece of gauze. Then his handsome face broke into a splitting grin as he tilted his head to face Jaejoong again. “Nurse Jung charges a small fee of a bowl of kimchi jjigae for his services.”
Jaejoong snatched that piece of gauze and threw it square into Yunho’s face.
Thank you… for teaching me how to feel human again.
…debts that are too much for me to repay
~*~*~*~*~*~
8 September 2008
With Yunho now an essential part of his life, Jaejoong felt more and more like he was juggling a double life. To Noona-nim and his victims he was Han Jaejoon: a cold-blooded, efficient killer. Yet in front of Yunho he was Kim Jaejoong, an ordinary university student with perhaps a handicap in socialising. Jaejoong struggled to keep these two worlds apart, however the more time he spent with Yunho, the more he started feeling. And he knew that such feelings could hinder his job. His gun had never once faltered, yet the very thought of the possibility that Yunho could be staring down the barrel of his gun was enough to cause him to break into cold sweat. Jaejoong had thought himself to be a very professional killer; he thought there was no assignment he could not take on. But now he felt that there was one person he’d rather end his life for than kill.
“Noona-nim, even the girl?”
“Yes, the client made it very clear that he wants every member of the Im-family dead.”
Jaejoong stared at the printout of a family portrait in his right hand, his thumb unconsciously ghosting over the face of the smiling child in the centre.
“Is there a problem, Jaejoon-ah?”
Jaejoong sighed. “She’s just a child, Noona-nim. She looks barely 5…”
“She’s 6 this year. Her elementary school’s details are in the file,” Noona-nim removed her glasses with one hand and set them on top of a pile of paper before her. “Is there something wrong, Jaejoon?” her fingers clasped each other in front of her chest as she leaned forward in her seat.
Jaejoong furrowed his brows, trying to piece his thoughts together. “She’s innocent; she doesn’t even know what her parents have done. She’s just… a child.”
Noona-nim quirked an eyebrow. “That was never an issue before.”
Jaejoong felt his cheeks begin to colour and hastily, almost embarrassed, he mumbled his exit. His grip on the photo in his hand tightened, crumpling the unfortunate piece of paper.
“You’ve changed, Jaejoon-ah.”
Jaejoong chose to ignore Noona-nim’s last statement, hoping she did not notice the falter in his steps as he strode out of her office. The sound of computer keys being hit told him she thought nothing more of the matter and he almost sighed with relief, proceeding with his new assignment.
Killing the parents was easy. They were no different from the many others on the trail of dead bodies on his résumé. They were just another pair of unfortunate souls who had offended the wrong people. But the child…
Jaejoong had to search the entire mansion for her and he finally found her curled into a shivering ball in the far end of her closet, clutching her stuffed bear. He pointed his gun at her and saw her eyes grow impossibly wide. The moonlight streaming in from an open window made the tear tracks on her cheeks visible.
This was not just another hit. This girl was not another one of his faceless victims. She had a name. The file said it was Im Jiyool. Jiyool had a past, and a future - a future he was going to rob from her.
“Please don’t kill me.”
That soft voice, so filled with innocence, was barely above a whisper. Those big round eyes that gazed fearfully at him reminded Jaejoong of those children at the orphanage Yunho volunteered at. The taller man had successfully tricked a very unwilling Jaejoong to join him for a few of his visits over the past year.
Yunho loved kids; that much was clear to Jaejoong. He loved their innocence, how they were still untouched by the evils of the real world. Jaejoong would usually pass his time at the orphanage standing in the darkest corner, trying to make himself blend in with the walls. Jaejoong was awkward around people, and children were just, well, little people. But still he allowed himself to be dragged (albeit reluctantly) to the orphanage because it was just such a bliss to watch Yunho interact with the children. He gave them piggyback rides and let them use him as a human jungle gym; brought them balloons in every colour and enough pastries to make their teeth rot; conducted dance workshops and coached their studies…
I know you are the only person…
It felt as though Yunho was born to touch these young lives.
And what made Jiyool any different from those children who brought such wide smiles to Yunho’s face Jaejoong so loved to see?
…who can help me live properly in this world
“Jiyool-ah.”
Shocked crossed her pale face at his knowledge of her name. Fresh tears welled up, threatening to spill over again.
“Close your eyes…” Jaejoong waited patiently for her to comply. And then…
“I’m sorry.”
The last words left his dry lips in almost a whisper. He gazed at the blood-splattered closet for a few seconds before hastily stuffing his Glock into his backpack and hurrying out, trying to void his mind of any thoughts. He could not bear to be in this house of death any longer.
In all honesty all Jaejoong wanted to do now was to hide from the world and curl up in his bed until this bile-inducing feeling washed away. Yet, here he was sitting cross-legged on the floor of Yunho’s dorm room while the owner poured over his handwritten notes at the table beside him. They had previously arranged to exchange notes and discuss a law module assignment they were both struggling with. Despite feeling so mentally overwhelmed and exhausted, Jaejoong chose to stick to their appointment. He figured he could use some distraction from the events of the past hour, and Yunho had always proven to be a wonderful distraction from his job.
But somehow, Yunho’s usual magic on him was not working tonight.
Yunho’s very presence brought to mind Jiyool’s pleading eyes, as well as those other children who had the misfortune to end up in one of Jaejoong’s assignment files. Children whose names he did not bother with; children whose short lives had ended at his bare hands.
He felt a warm sensation enveloped him and something warm was wiping gently at his cheeks. His brain took a few seconds to register that he was crying. Hot, angry tears flowed uncontrollably down his cheeks; his body too tired to try and fight them back. Guilt wrecked his body as he struggled to breathe. He had not noticed when Yunho had abandoned his chair and joined him on the floor and gathered him in a tight embrace, but he was now very aware of Yunho’s long arms wrapped protectively around him, his gentle barritone whispering soothing words of comfort Jaejoong’s brain was too tired to make sense of. A firm hand threaded through his raven locks affectionately.
“Shh… it’s okay Jaejoongie; it’s okay…”
Jaejoong turned in Yunho’s arms and clung almost desperately to him. He wanted nothing more than to forget the world and all the wrong he had done and just drown himself in the comfort of Yunho’s embrace. “It’s not okay… I did bad things… It’s not okay…”
Yunho gently rocked Jaejoong’s choking body as ripple after ripple of spasm hit the sobbing boy. His first outburst of tears and pained cry as his body hit the floor had scared Yunho, but he was careful to hide his shock for Jaejoong’s sake.
Yunho did not question him; he merely planted a kiss on the older boy’s head and hugged him tighter to his chest. Jaejoong’s nails dug into his back through his shirt but Yunho mentioned nothing about the pain.
My rough mind and unstable expressions…
“Shh… it’s going to be okay, Jaejoongie. I’m here; everything is okay.”
“You don’t understand… I’m an unforgivable person…”
“You’re the most wonderful person I know, Jaejoongie. You’re amazing.”
…and you watch me through them all
~*~*~*~*~*~
26 January 2009
“Happy birthday Jaejoongie!”
Jaejoong beamed at the boy proudly presenting the strawberry shortcake on the round table, two tall candles and a shorter one adorning it. To say he was surprised would be a lie because Yunho had been devotedly celebrating his birthday for him for three years now. Yunho had hacked into the university’s database to find out his birthdate and had given him the shock of his life when he shoved a cake under his nose on this day three years ago. He had not even known Noona-nim had put down 26 January as Kim Jaejoong’s birthday; no one had bothered to celebrate Jaejoong’s birth before Yunho came along. Han Jaejoon’s birthday was a week later, and he would receive another cake from Noona-nim then.
Technically there was nothing worth celebrating about a person whose very existence was a lie, but Jaejoong still secretly began to look forward to this date. It was a day he could give himself an excuse to be pampered shamelessly by Yunho. As the years passed, Jaejoong found it harder and harder to distance himself from the charming boy.
“Thank you Yunho,” Jaejoong gave him a genuine delighted smile that reached his doe eyes that were curved into small crescents. It was a very constrained expression of the glee he was feeling within.
“I uh… I sort of forgot your present today; I’ll pass it to you when I see you again,” Yunho sheepishly brought one hand up to ruffle his short brown hair, a lopsided awkward grin on his lips.
“It’s okay, Yunho. This cake is already enough.”
“Noooooooooo,” Yunho looked mortified, as though Jaejoong had suggested something unthinkable. “I’ve bought it already; I just forgot to bring it with me.”
Jaejoong took a sip of his water and raised an elegant eyebrow at Yunho’s response, an ‘ohkay…’ left unsaid through his expression.
“And Jaejoongie?” Yunho squirmed a little in his seat, eyes dropping momentarily to the table before returning them to Jaejoong’s puzzled face.
“I like you,” he breathed, “I like you very much.”
In order to live without regrets…
Jaejoong felt his heart somersault in his chest. He slowly lowered his glass onto the table, trying his best to keep his hand from shaking. These words… he had only dreamt that Yunho would one day say them. To hear his heartfelt confession… Jaejoong thought his heart would burst from sheer happiness. A warmth he had never felt before spread from his core to his limbs, enveloping his entirety in a warm tingling sensation.
A laugh left his lips, cold and unfeeling as he had done so many times to others before. He fought back the clench of his heart and the odd throbbing pain when he saw Yunho’s shy smile rearrange itself into a dejected frown. The urgency of keeping Yunho at bay flooded his mind in a rush as the warm bubble he had been living in the past three years burst. Jaejoong felt as though he had been wandering in a sweet dream and was just brought back to his senses.
“Don’t like me,” he spat.
…I should keep you by my side
“Why-”
“Because I don’t like you,” Jaejoong promptly stood up, using all his might to be fixated at the melting wax making their suicidal path down the candles than at Yunho’s face. “You’re annoying. So don’t like me.” He stomped out of the restaurant, leaving behind an untouched cake and a broken heart.
This is a love like a war
~*~*~*~*~*~
28 January 2009
Jaejoong gave a weary sigh and lifted his arm away from his eyes. That was two days ago. If he thought Yunho would have taken the hint and avoid him like plague, he was dearly mistaken. The younger boy had texted him the next day full of endearing emoticons as though nothing particularly awkward had occurred between them.
Now Jaejoong was beginning to suspect that Yunho might have been flung violently head-first against a wall as an infant.
Because I am dangerous, because I love you…
There was a knock on his door before Noona-nim’s familiar face peeked in. “Is everything okay, Jaejoon?”
Jaejoong nodded, pushing himself to sit upright and swung his lanky legs off the bed as Noona-nim crossed the distance between them and settled in the spot beside him.
“You seem a little off the past few days…” she stroked his hair tenderly.
“Noona-nim…” he paused, wondering if this was a good time to bring up the subject. Chewing on his lip, he turned his head to study her reaction, “When can I stop?”
Her hand paused in its ministrations on her head. “Soon, Jaejoon-ah-”
“I’ve been working for you for so long… when can I stop killing?”
She gave a small weary sigh and turned away from him, her hands falling onto her lap. “Jaejoon-ah…”
“Noona-nim, please.”
She sighed again and turned back to observe his face closely, reaching out to cup one of his cheeks, an endearing look in her eyes. “One more mission. One more mission; finish it tomorrow and I’ll give you a break. Then you can go on a graduation trip after your finals before getting back in business,” she offered a small smile before standing up and leaving his room, almost missing his delighted ‘thank you’.
Jaejoong literally skipped into his private bathroom and stared into the mirror. He could not believe his luck. Everything was going to go so smoothly for him from now on. The beautiful smile gracing his cheeks was unrecognisable.
Tomorrow, tomorrow would be his last day as Han Jaejoon for a long time. After meeting Yunho, he had started to grow loathsome of Jaejoon. After tomorrow, he could be Kim Jaejoong without worrying about Han Jaejoon.
“I am Kim Jaejoong,” he whispered determinedly at his reflection.
…I will leave you
~*~*~*~*~*~
29 January 2009
He loaded his gun and pulled the safety, following his target at a discreet distance down a dark alley. Today’s assignment was surprisingly easy - erase Ryu Jinsung from the face of the earth - and Jaejoong wanted to get it over and done with as soon as possible. He had expected Noona-nim to give him a challenging last mission, but Ryu was not even a muscular, fit person. Freedom was within an arm’s length away; he could almost taste it.
Jaejoong turned a corner and almost burst into laughter - it was a dead end. His prey had as good as served himself on a silver platter. It was obvious that Ryu had noticed his presence by now, spinning in circles in a frenzy as he desperately tried to locate an escape route. Not even having to care about hiding his presence now, Jaejoong stepped out of the shadows and fired twice, his trusty silencer preventing anyone from knowing that a man was dying in the alleyway. He watched with a morbid satisfaction as Ryu hit the hard asphalt before prancing over to the man’s side. Jaejoong knelt down on one knee and checked for a pulse; he was never careless in his work. Finding one, he pulled the trigger again and settled it for good, not minding that some of his last victim’s blood has splattered onto him.
His job was done. Jaejoong leaned back and felt the cold winter breeze against his face. He wanted to weep with relief. His lips parted to reveal pearly white teeth as reprieve washed over him in cool waves.
His trained ears picked up footsteps turning the corner and he spun around swiftly, his gun trained on the unwelcomed intruder.
Jaejoong found himself facing his worst nightmare - Jung Yunho was staring down the barrel of his gun.
Two pairs of eyes widened and all words dissolved in the blood-tinged air. Jaejoong lowered his gun, not knowing what else to do. His heart was pounding hard in his chest and his hands were getting clammy. His mind was a messy whirl as he willed himself to think of something, anything to remedy the situation. He cursed the heavens for being such a wretched tease. Here he was, at the doorway of the life he had dreamed of and Jung Yunho had to walk in on him.
“You were ignoring my calls and not returning my texts so when I saw you going down the alley, I followed you…” Yunho tried to explain himself. His voice was hoarse and dry, and Jaejoong could see the effort he had put in to keep his voice from shaking. All Jaejoong could do was stare blankly at him, all thoughts having abandoned his head. He wished the ground would swallow the dead body before him and the telltale gun in his hand, but nothing of that sort happened.
“Jaejoongie, are you hurt?” Yunho took a step towards him and Jaejoong contemplated shrinking backwards. “You’ve got blood on your face-”
Jaejoong watched in stunned horror as Yunho fell sideways to the ground with a dull thud. A wail of an injured animal escaped his throat before he could even make sense of what had happened. He saw those chocolate brown orbs he loved so much stare blankly at him; an expression directed towards Jaejoong too many times. But he never wanted to see it coming from Yunho. He never wanted Yunho to look at him like that.
There was another pair of footsteps approaching them as Noona-nim stood over Yunho’s rigid body. The distinctive ‘click’ of a silencer doing its job filled the air for the fifth time.
“YUNHO!” Jaejoong screamed, somehow finding his voice again. He wanted to get to the fallen boy’s side as fast as possible, but his body could only manage a slow shaky crawl. He felt as though the wind had been knocked right out of his lungs; he could not even tell if he was still breathing from the way his chest was heaving so frantically.
“Yunho-ah! Noona-nim, how could you?!”
“What else could I do; he had already seen you doing a hit!” Noona-nim sounded exasperated, almost apologetic, glancing around flusteredly to see if Jaejoong’s pained ruckus had attracted any unwanted attention.
“What do you expect me to do now? How can I- I can’t- I can’t!” Jaejoong finally reached the turn where Yunho lay motionless, his hands clutching at Yunho’s sticky coat. A blood-stained ring box lay forgotten beside Yunho’s open palm, revealing a simple beautiful golden band Jaejoong could not see, his vision blinded by his own tears.
“Jaejoon, hurry, we have to go.” Noona-nim tried to yank Jaejoong up by the back of his collar, but he clung tight to Yunho, as he always did whenever he needed comfort.
“Yunho…” was the only response she received, called out again and again and again like a mantra. He was not even able to string anything coherently, choking on his own sobs and tears. Jaejoong sobbed unabashedly into Yunho’s chest, as though it could ease the heart-wrenching pain he felt. Sob after sob wrecked his petite frame as his tears mingled with the bloodied mess on Yunho's body.
Jaejoong could not breathe. Each breath he took was shuddering and painful; a cruel reminder of the fact that he was alive and Yunho was not. He collapsed into Yunho’s welcoming chest, sticky but still warm. His world felt tipped upside down and started to lose sensation in his extremities, feeling only a numbing, pickling sensation. His chest was rising and falling way too rapidly than what his lungs could handle. His body did not even feel like his anymore. Slowly, his world begin to spin in a messy whirl of bright lights. Jaejoong felt the rough grip of a gun hit the back of his head hard, and he allowed himself to be drawn into the comforting darkness of unconsciousness.
I will leave for-
*~*~*~*~*
*master fic list
A/N: For You (너를 위해) lyrics by Chae Jeongeun. English translation adapted from lovetohateme @ wordpress. Inspired by Im Jaebum's song, as well as a scene from Girl Killer K.
OH. MAI. GAWD. This was supposed to be a short drabble and look at how long-winded it became. =.= I apologise for the abuse of commas and semicolons and how messy the whole thing is. I know the different incidents may seem a bit confusing, so feel free to ask me anything for clarification. :D
I was kinda struggling with whether I should flesh out what's going on in Jaejoong's head, or not mention anything about his feelings at all, because that's how he shuts himself up. :/ Hmm...
Lol and when I thought things couldn't get any kinkier than Yunho's Catch Me teaser, Jaejoong just had to one up him with his album teaser. @_@ WHAT ARE YOU BOYS DOING??? Omg are you like, trying to flirt with each other with your photos? O: Lol my darling appa and umma, please spare a thought for us fans with weak hearts. There is only so much homeostasis can do with regulating blood and drool loss. XDXD
Do preorder Jaejoongie's new album! ONE KISS sounds amazing! I was already tearing up 17seconds into the intro and was fighting to hold back tears for the rest of the song. Hahahaha I'm such a loser when it comes to Jaejoong's music; somehow it speaks to my heart; I can't explain it. XD
Pairing: Yunjae
Genre: AU. Angst. Fluff.
A/N: Inspired by Im Jaebum's 너를 위해 (For You) by Chae Jeongeun.
Summary: Kim Jaejoong always thought of himself as an efficient hitman. Life was dull and easy for him until Jung Yunho came bursting in like a freight train of sunshine on the loose.
28 January 2009
He pulled the trigger with a trained firm hand, eyes cold and unfeeling despite the desperate pleas for mercy from the man who laid in a mess of tangled limbs on the floor. Blood was gurgling from the man’s chapped lips. He frowned, slightly annoyed that the first shot had not finished his task. Without so much as a second thought he fired again, then once more for good measure. His target now laid motionlessly, eyes wide open but not seeing. He stuffed his gun in the back of the waistband of his pants, not even minding the familiar burn of the heat from the silencer on his skin. As he turned on his heels, a gentle buzzing from his pocket caused him to halt his steps. He retrieved the vibrating device and greeted the name flashing on the blinking screen with a tired sigh. “Hello-”
Maybe we are people…
“Hello, Jaejoongie? It’s Yunho. When are you free to come over? We need to get started on the project soon; it’s due in two-”
“I’m busy.”
He hung up promptly and tucked his handphone back into his pockets, turning a deaf ear once again to the spluttering protests on the other end of the line. Heels clicked softly on the polished floor as he walked away from the crime scene.
…tangled in a complicated relationship
~*~*~*~*~*~
He sighed as he flopped bonelessly down on the plain mattress of his single bed. Something was gnawing at him on the inside. No, it was not about his earlier kill; his mind had long been desensitised to such gruesome scenes a long time ago. He draped a weary arm over tired eyes, wanting to clear his pounding head.
And in his blank mind, he saw just one face. Yunho’s.
A small smile found its way to his full lips as he let the younger boy flood his thoughts. Reminiscing the loud boisterous laughter and the warm chocolate eyes, the smile slowly but surely became more certain and broadened into a full grin.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Life had been dull at first. Dull, but easy. The killings were just one meaningless death after another; assignments he had been tasked to complete. It was the only life he had ever known since Noona-nim picked him up as a starving, desperate child off the streets all those years ago. Life as a trained hitman was not as painful or as difficult as how those crime novels he read had portrayed. Sure, the initial training was hard on his young mind and body; but once he got past those necessary stages (and cried for days after his first kill) and Noona-nim started handing him assignments regularly, everything fell into an easy monotony - just pull the trigger, or draw a knife, or break a neck, or anything to get the job done. The victims appeared in his life and left just as quickly, never registering any impression on him. Many of his clients even regarded him as more dangerous than the jopok. He was good at what he did, and it was all easy.
And it was not like Noona-nim was a cold-hearted, sadistic bitch those television dramas seemed to favour portraying people in her position. No, she was just conducting a business; providing a service. And she treated him well. He had a nice room to sleep in and warm meals and generally, a comfortable life. Noona-nim even sent him to school so that he could have “as normal a life as possible”, as she put it. School, however, was a problem. School was not easy for him. He had to interact with many people instead of having the ease of silencing them with a bullet. And although he found those interactions hard and almost painful, he continued to attend lessons whenever he was not out on assignments and achieve stellar grades, if only just to please Noona-nim. Besides, the cold mask and ‘fuck off’-aura he wore all the time kept teachers and other students at bay. He made it clear that he would rather be left to his own devices. And then, school became easy too.
Life was pretty much uneventful and a breeze until Jung Yunho came bursting into it like a freight train of sunshine on the loose. He still remembered vividly the first day of marketing lecture when Yunho rushed into class a whole half hour late, hair dishevelled and clothes in a complete mess. Other students had knowingly kept the seat beside his empty, but Yunho just planted his butt down beside him, stationery and notes scattering across the table. Ignoring his piercing glare and icy aura, Yunho had turned to him with a brilliant smile that could rival the sun and extended a hand.
“Hi, I’m Jung Yunho.”
He did not know what compelled him to return the gesture instead of crushing the hand offered to him, but from that day on he found himself an… acquaintance. “Kim Jaejoong.”
“You have a nice name, Jaejoongie.”
“Jaejoongie?!”
They attended classes together, had meals together, hung out together. Jaejoong kept him close; he liked Yunho’s company. It was a nice change from his dull life and a stark contrast to the callousness of his secret job. But with all the colours that Yunho painted his life with, it came with a cost - the fear that one day, he might lose Yunho. Jaejoong feared nothing, not even death despite his dangerous work; but now every day he was hindered by a constant worry that harm might befall Yunho. So Jaejoong had to force himself to maintain a necessary detachment from the younger boy to protect him from Jaejoong’s lifestyle and all the dangers that came with it. Jaejoong hated it; having to distance himself from the warmth he craved so much, but it was the only thing he could do to keep his only friend safe.
~*~*~*~*~*~
4 June 2007
“Jaejoongie~”
“What?” he snapped, eyes narrowing dangerously as Yunho’s head hovered perilously close to his left shoulder, almost resting on it.
“I’m hungry; can’t you cook something for me?” he sent Jaejoong an irresistibly cute pout, round sparkly eyes and all. They were in the midst of working on a mock marketing pitch when Yunho decided it was a good time to demand food from a thoroughly stressed out Jaejoong.
“Go cook some instant ramen yourself,” Jaejoong jammed his shoulder into the offending chin the moment he felt the slightest pressure Yunho pressed onto his sweater.
Yunho fell backwards with an astonished yelp, back hitting the wooden floor of his dorm room and legs still crossed before him “Yah! Is your shoulder made of steel or something?” he complained, clutching his bruised chin as he blinked back hot tears of pain.
Jaejoong sighed, his fingers pausing in their dance across the keyboard of Yunho’s laptop and he flexed them instead. He shut his eyes and counted to 10, willing himself not to punch the boy in the face for annoying him, yet feeling sorry for the poor sod at the receiving end of his killer reflexes. Still, he reminded himself not to show more concern than necessary to Yunho.
“I’m sorry, alright? I’ll cook something to make it up to you, okay?”
Yunho bounded back upright like an injured soccer player who had just been awarded a free kick. “Really really really? I want ddeokbokki!” his chocolate eyes went wide and lit up. Yunho was this close to drooling on Jaejoong’s shoulder.
Jaejoong fought back a smile as he nodded, but felt his plush lips curling up against his best intentions.
“YAAAAY! Jaejoongie you are the best!” Yunho threw both arms into the air with careless abandon.
The older boy felt a blush explode on his cheeks as he got off Yunho’s swivel chair, making his way to the sorry excuse of a kitchen in the dorm room to prepare the snack. Yunho trailed after him like an over-enthusiastic newborn puppy. “Seriously, Yunho, you’re supposed to be 19; can’t you at least try to act your age?”
“But Jaejoongie,” Yunho pouted, resting his chin on Jaejoong’s other shoulder (seemingly having forgotten what that action had cost him barely seconds ago) and wrapping his arms around Jaejoong’s lean waist, “you make the beeeeest ddeokbokki in the world!” he swooned.
Jaejoong felt an instinct to roll his eyes and shove Yunho away, but he fought it back down. Usually he hated attempts at bootlicking and any intimate contact with others; but Yunho’s strong arms around him, his warm breath tickling his ear, all felt oddly… comforting. Jaejoong distracted himself from those confusing thoughts with the task at hand of preparing Yunho’s energy-refuelling snack instead. They remained in that position until the sweet and spicy dish was ready to be devoured by Yunho: said man with his chest pressed against Jaejoong’s back the whole time.
“Jaejoongie, your phone’s buzzing. Oh God, this is heavenly!” Yunho managed to let out in between stuffing himself with mouthfuls of rice cakes.
Jaejoong grinned and unfolded his arms from across his chest and went to retrieve the forgotten device from the floor where he last left it. Looking at the name flashing on the screen, he turned away from Yunho who was having food-induced orgasms at his study table and stepped out of the small room to answer the call.
“Hello?”
“Jaejoon-ah, where are you? I need you prepared for work as soon as possible.”
“I’m kind of busy…”
“The client specified that he needs the job done urgently. I’m sending the details to your phone. Drop whatever you are doing and go; now.”
There was no threat, no form of malice in the caller’s voice, but Jaejoong still felt the need to oblige. “Yes, Noona-nim.”
He sighed and leaned against the closed door, thumping his head against the hard wood a few times to clear his thoughts. The reality that Yunho’s warm company took him away from came crashing back in huge troubling waves. He was a hitman and that took priority over everything else. He had to ensure Yunho stayed as far away from his private life as possible. Jaejoong mentally scolded himself for not keeping his emotions in check. He cracked his neck and opened the door with a shuddering sigh.
Yunho must have noticed the stark change in Jaejoong’s mood for he stopped babbling the moment Jaejoong stepped in. Instead, his eyes silently followed the older man around the room as he watched him collect his things. “Jaejoongie…” he swallowed the remaining bits of starch in his mouth, “did something happen?”
“Finish up the report as much as you can. And don’t call me; I’m busy.” Jaejoong grabbed the last of his belongings, not even bothering to spare Yunho’s sauce-smeared face a glance.
“Are you angry that I made you cook? I’m sorry Jaejoongie; it won’t happen-”
Jaejoong stepped out again and slammed the door shut, leaning against it. He let out a long drawn breath before pushing himself off the wood and heading towards the stairs.
Sometimes like a couple, but sometimes like strangers…
As much as he had tried to avoid looking at Yunho, he could not help noticing the look of abject disappointment that had marred the other boy’s handsome features upon his departure.
Jaejoong also could not avoid noticing how painfully his heart had clenched upon seeing that face.
… Can we keep on living like that?
~*~*~*~*~*~
19 July 2008
Their first year continued in that manner, with Yunho returning to Jaejoong’s side despite the older boy’s bipolar temperament towards him. No matter how cruel Jaejoong’s coldness to him could be, it all seemed to deflect off Yunho and he kept coming back with never-ending enthusiasm.
Despite countless mistakes and separations…
From his experiences with others, Jaejoong concluded that either Yunho was just really bad at reading the atmosphere, or he was dropped heavily on his head as an infant.
A sharp pain shot up his back and ruthlessly snapped him out of his reverie. Jaejoong flinched, muscles stiffening instinctively as he hissed in agony.
“I’m sorry, did that hurt?”
There was genuine concern in Yunho’s voice but nonetheless Jaejoong shot him an ‘are you kidding me’ glare.
Most people would have cowered away to safety or just wither from the daggers that Jaejoong’s piercing eyes threw; but then again Yunho had proven himself to not be most people.
“I had to tie the bandages tight or the bleeding would start again!” Yunho defended himself. Even if he did feel threatened by the seething glares of doom Jaejoong was directing at him, he did a good job of hiding it. “And it’s not my fault that someone refuses to go to the hospital and get a professional to look at his injury…”
The older boy growled and Yunho shot him an innocent look. Despite Jaejoong’s best efforts to patch himself up earlier at home, the knife-wound on his back had chosen to start bleeding again in the midst of their studying session in Yunho’s dorm. He had recounted the unexpected presence of damn cronies of the now-dead Park-ssi in his report to Noona-nim, but he conveniently left out the part about getting stabbed by them. Jaejoong thought he could hide his wound from everyone until he healed, but alas, while he was really skilled at cutting people up, first aid was always something he struggled with.
“How did you get that anyway?” Yunho leaned against the wall across his bed where Jaejoong was currently sitting, folding his long arms.
“I fell,” came the nonchalant reply with a dismissive shrug.
Yunho snorted. “Yeah? And my mum’s Jeon Jihyun,” he looked pointedly at Jaejoong, the trademark mischievousness gone from his eyes. Seeing that Jaejoong had no intention of elaborating, Yunho sighed and pushed himself off the wall with one foot, shuffling back to Jaejoong’s side. He packed the excess bandages that lay scattered around the boy back in his first-aid kit. “Well you’d better drop by here again after microeconomics lecture tomorrow to change your bandages-”
“I’m fine-”
“-we don’t want the wound to get infected since it’s pretty deep. And if that happens, you’ll have no choice but to go to the hospital.”
Yunho stopped in his task to give Jaejoong a severe look. Their eyes met for a moment before they both looked away.
…you are still there
“And you’d better borrow one of my shirts instead of wearing your bloodied shirt home if you don’t want your parents to suspect anything.”
Jaejoong watched silently as Yunho picked up the bloody used gauze. He took in the other boy’s features, from the uncharacteristic crease between his full brows, to the warm chocolate eyes that were distant with worry, to the perfectly shaped nose and finally, those beautiful lips that were currently pulled into a thin, grim line.
“Thank you, Yunho-ah,” Jaejoong breathed softly, his heart aching to reach out and sooth the worry from Yunho’s face.
Every day I am in debt to you…
Thank you for patching me up.
Thank you for not asking me questions.
Thank you for allowing me my space.
Thank you for helping me keep my secrets.
Yunho looked stunned; his hand paused midway in its path to pick up another stray piece of gauze. Then his handsome face broke into a splitting grin as he tilted his head to face Jaejoong again. “Nurse Jung charges a small fee of a bowl of kimchi jjigae for his services.”
Jaejoong snatched that piece of gauze and threw it square into Yunho’s face.
Thank you… for teaching me how to feel human again.
…debts that are too much for me to repay
~*~*~*~*~*~
8 September 2008
With Yunho now an essential part of his life, Jaejoong felt more and more like he was juggling a double life. To Noona-nim and his victims he was Han Jaejoon: a cold-blooded, efficient killer. Yet in front of Yunho he was Kim Jaejoong, an ordinary university student with perhaps a handicap in socialising. Jaejoong struggled to keep these two worlds apart, however the more time he spent with Yunho, the more he started feeling. And he knew that such feelings could hinder his job. His gun had never once faltered, yet the very thought of the possibility that Yunho could be staring down the barrel of his gun was enough to cause him to break into cold sweat. Jaejoong had thought himself to be a very professional killer; he thought there was no assignment he could not take on. But now he felt that there was one person he’d rather end his life for than kill.
“Noona-nim, even the girl?”
“Yes, the client made it very clear that he wants every member of the Im-family dead.”
Jaejoong stared at the printout of a family portrait in his right hand, his thumb unconsciously ghosting over the face of the smiling child in the centre.
“Is there a problem, Jaejoon-ah?”
Jaejoong sighed. “She’s just a child, Noona-nim. She looks barely 5…”
“She’s 6 this year. Her elementary school’s details are in the file,” Noona-nim removed her glasses with one hand and set them on top of a pile of paper before her. “Is there something wrong, Jaejoon?” her fingers clasped each other in front of her chest as she leaned forward in her seat.
Jaejoong furrowed his brows, trying to piece his thoughts together. “She’s innocent; she doesn’t even know what her parents have done. She’s just… a child.”
Noona-nim quirked an eyebrow. “That was never an issue before.”
Jaejoong felt his cheeks begin to colour and hastily, almost embarrassed, he mumbled his exit. His grip on the photo in his hand tightened, crumpling the unfortunate piece of paper.
“You’ve changed, Jaejoon-ah.”
Jaejoong chose to ignore Noona-nim’s last statement, hoping she did not notice the falter in his steps as he strode out of her office. The sound of computer keys being hit told him she thought nothing more of the matter and he almost sighed with relief, proceeding with his new assignment.
Killing the parents was easy. They were no different from the many others on the trail of dead bodies on his résumé. They were just another pair of unfortunate souls who had offended the wrong people. But the child…
Jaejoong had to search the entire mansion for her and he finally found her curled into a shivering ball in the far end of her closet, clutching her stuffed bear. He pointed his gun at her and saw her eyes grow impossibly wide. The moonlight streaming in from an open window made the tear tracks on her cheeks visible.
This was not just another hit. This girl was not another one of his faceless victims. She had a name. The file said it was Im Jiyool. Jiyool had a past, and a future - a future he was going to rob from her.
“Please don’t kill me.”
That soft voice, so filled with innocence, was barely above a whisper. Those big round eyes that gazed fearfully at him reminded Jaejoong of those children at the orphanage Yunho volunteered at. The taller man had successfully tricked a very unwilling Jaejoong to join him for a few of his visits over the past year.
Yunho loved kids; that much was clear to Jaejoong. He loved their innocence, how they were still untouched by the evils of the real world. Jaejoong would usually pass his time at the orphanage standing in the darkest corner, trying to make himself blend in with the walls. Jaejoong was awkward around people, and children were just, well, little people. But still he allowed himself to be dragged (albeit reluctantly) to the orphanage because it was just such a bliss to watch Yunho interact with the children. He gave them piggyback rides and let them use him as a human jungle gym; brought them balloons in every colour and enough pastries to make their teeth rot; conducted dance workshops and coached their studies…
I know you are the only person…
It felt as though Yunho was born to touch these young lives.
And what made Jiyool any different from those children who brought such wide smiles to Yunho’s face Jaejoong so loved to see?
…who can help me live properly in this world
“Jiyool-ah.”
Shocked crossed her pale face at his knowledge of her name. Fresh tears welled up, threatening to spill over again.
“Close your eyes…” Jaejoong waited patiently for her to comply. And then…
“I’m sorry.”
The last words left his dry lips in almost a whisper. He gazed at the blood-splattered closet for a few seconds before hastily stuffing his Glock into his backpack and hurrying out, trying to void his mind of any thoughts. He could not bear to be in this house of death any longer.
In all honesty all Jaejoong wanted to do now was to hide from the world and curl up in his bed until this bile-inducing feeling washed away. Yet, here he was sitting cross-legged on the floor of Yunho’s dorm room while the owner poured over his handwritten notes at the table beside him. They had previously arranged to exchange notes and discuss a law module assignment they were both struggling with. Despite feeling so mentally overwhelmed and exhausted, Jaejoong chose to stick to their appointment. He figured he could use some distraction from the events of the past hour, and Yunho had always proven to be a wonderful distraction from his job.
But somehow, Yunho’s usual magic on him was not working tonight.
Yunho’s very presence brought to mind Jiyool’s pleading eyes, as well as those other children who had the misfortune to end up in one of Jaejoong’s assignment files. Children whose names he did not bother with; children whose short lives had ended at his bare hands.
He felt a warm sensation enveloped him and something warm was wiping gently at his cheeks. His brain took a few seconds to register that he was crying. Hot, angry tears flowed uncontrollably down his cheeks; his body too tired to try and fight them back. Guilt wrecked his body as he struggled to breathe. He had not noticed when Yunho had abandoned his chair and joined him on the floor and gathered him in a tight embrace, but he was now very aware of Yunho’s long arms wrapped protectively around him, his gentle barritone whispering soothing words of comfort Jaejoong’s brain was too tired to make sense of. A firm hand threaded through his raven locks affectionately.
“Shh… it’s okay Jaejoongie; it’s okay…”
Jaejoong turned in Yunho’s arms and clung almost desperately to him. He wanted nothing more than to forget the world and all the wrong he had done and just drown himself in the comfort of Yunho’s embrace. “It’s not okay… I did bad things… It’s not okay…”
Yunho gently rocked Jaejoong’s choking body as ripple after ripple of spasm hit the sobbing boy. His first outburst of tears and pained cry as his body hit the floor had scared Yunho, but he was careful to hide his shock for Jaejoong’s sake.
Yunho did not question him; he merely planted a kiss on the older boy’s head and hugged him tighter to his chest. Jaejoong’s nails dug into his back through his shirt but Yunho mentioned nothing about the pain.
My rough mind and unstable expressions…
“Shh… it’s going to be okay, Jaejoongie. I’m here; everything is okay.”
“You don’t understand… I’m an unforgivable person…”
“You’re the most wonderful person I know, Jaejoongie. You’re amazing.”
…and you watch me through them all
~*~*~*~*~*~
26 January 2009
“Happy birthday Jaejoongie!”
Jaejoong beamed at the boy proudly presenting the strawberry shortcake on the round table, two tall candles and a shorter one adorning it. To say he was surprised would be a lie because Yunho had been devotedly celebrating his birthday for him for three years now. Yunho had hacked into the university’s database to find out his birthdate and had given him the shock of his life when he shoved a cake under his nose on this day three years ago. He had not even known Noona-nim had put down 26 January as Kim Jaejoong’s birthday; no one had bothered to celebrate Jaejoong’s birth before Yunho came along. Han Jaejoon’s birthday was a week later, and he would receive another cake from Noona-nim then.
Technically there was nothing worth celebrating about a person whose very existence was a lie, but Jaejoong still secretly began to look forward to this date. It was a day he could give himself an excuse to be pampered shamelessly by Yunho. As the years passed, Jaejoong found it harder and harder to distance himself from the charming boy.
“Thank you Yunho,” Jaejoong gave him a genuine delighted smile that reached his doe eyes that were curved into small crescents. It was a very constrained expression of the glee he was feeling within.
“I uh… I sort of forgot your present today; I’ll pass it to you when I see you again,” Yunho sheepishly brought one hand up to ruffle his short brown hair, a lopsided awkward grin on his lips.
“It’s okay, Yunho. This cake is already enough.”
“Noooooooooo,” Yunho looked mortified, as though Jaejoong had suggested something unthinkable. “I’ve bought it already; I just forgot to bring it with me.”
Jaejoong took a sip of his water and raised an elegant eyebrow at Yunho’s response, an ‘ohkay…’ left unsaid through his expression.
“And Jaejoongie?” Yunho squirmed a little in his seat, eyes dropping momentarily to the table before returning them to Jaejoong’s puzzled face.
“I like you,” he breathed, “I like you very much.”
In order to live without regrets…
Jaejoong felt his heart somersault in his chest. He slowly lowered his glass onto the table, trying his best to keep his hand from shaking. These words… he had only dreamt that Yunho would one day say them. To hear his heartfelt confession… Jaejoong thought his heart would burst from sheer happiness. A warmth he had never felt before spread from his core to his limbs, enveloping his entirety in a warm tingling sensation.
A laugh left his lips, cold and unfeeling as he had done so many times to others before. He fought back the clench of his heart and the odd throbbing pain when he saw Yunho’s shy smile rearrange itself into a dejected frown. The urgency of keeping Yunho at bay flooded his mind in a rush as the warm bubble he had been living in the past three years burst. Jaejoong felt as though he had been wandering in a sweet dream and was just brought back to his senses.
“Don’t like me,” he spat.
…I should keep you by my side
“Why-”
“Because I don’t like you,” Jaejoong promptly stood up, using all his might to be fixated at the melting wax making their suicidal path down the candles than at Yunho’s face. “You’re annoying. So don’t like me.” He stomped out of the restaurant, leaving behind an untouched cake and a broken heart.
This is a love like a war
~*~*~*~*~*~
28 January 2009
Jaejoong gave a weary sigh and lifted his arm away from his eyes. That was two days ago. If he thought Yunho would have taken the hint and avoid him like plague, he was dearly mistaken. The younger boy had texted him the next day full of endearing emoticons as though nothing particularly awkward had occurred between them.
Now Jaejoong was beginning to suspect that Yunho might have been flung violently head-first against a wall as an infant.
Because I am dangerous, because I love you…
There was a knock on his door before Noona-nim’s familiar face peeked in. “Is everything okay, Jaejoon?”
Jaejoong nodded, pushing himself to sit upright and swung his lanky legs off the bed as Noona-nim crossed the distance between them and settled in the spot beside him.
“You seem a little off the past few days…” she stroked his hair tenderly.
“Noona-nim…” he paused, wondering if this was a good time to bring up the subject. Chewing on his lip, he turned his head to study her reaction, “When can I stop?”
Her hand paused in its ministrations on her head. “Soon, Jaejoon-ah-”
“I’ve been working for you for so long… when can I stop killing?”
She gave a small weary sigh and turned away from him, her hands falling onto her lap. “Jaejoon-ah…”
“Noona-nim, please.”
She sighed again and turned back to observe his face closely, reaching out to cup one of his cheeks, an endearing look in her eyes. “One more mission. One more mission; finish it tomorrow and I’ll give you a break. Then you can go on a graduation trip after your finals before getting back in business,” she offered a small smile before standing up and leaving his room, almost missing his delighted ‘thank you’.
Jaejoong literally skipped into his private bathroom and stared into the mirror. He could not believe his luck. Everything was going to go so smoothly for him from now on. The beautiful smile gracing his cheeks was unrecognisable.
Tomorrow, tomorrow would be his last day as Han Jaejoon for a long time. After meeting Yunho, he had started to grow loathsome of Jaejoon. After tomorrow, he could be Kim Jaejoong without worrying about Han Jaejoon.
“I am Kim Jaejoong,” he whispered determinedly at his reflection.
…I will leave you
~*~*~*~*~*~
29 January 2009
He loaded his gun and pulled the safety, following his target at a discreet distance down a dark alley. Today’s assignment was surprisingly easy - erase Ryu Jinsung from the face of the earth - and Jaejoong wanted to get it over and done with as soon as possible. He had expected Noona-nim to give him a challenging last mission, but Ryu was not even a muscular, fit person. Freedom was within an arm’s length away; he could almost taste it.
Jaejoong turned a corner and almost burst into laughter - it was a dead end. His prey had as good as served himself on a silver platter. It was obvious that Ryu had noticed his presence by now, spinning in circles in a frenzy as he desperately tried to locate an escape route. Not even having to care about hiding his presence now, Jaejoong stepped out of the shadows and fired twice, his trusty silencer preventing anyone from knowing that a man was dying in the alleyway. He watched with a morbid satisfaction as Ryu hit the hard asphalt before prancing over to the man’s side. Jaejoong knelt down on one knee and checked for a pulse; he was never careless in his work. Finding one, he pulled the trigger again and settled it for good, not minding that some of his last victim’s blood has splattered onto him.
His job was done. Jaejoong leaned back and felt the cold winter breeze against his face. He wanted to weep with relief. His lips parted to reveal pearly white teeth as reprieve washed over him in cool waves.
His trained ears picked up footsteps turning the corner and he spun around swiftly, his gun trained on the unwelcomed intruder.
Jaejoong found himself facing his worst nightmare - Jung Yunho was staring down the barrel of his gun.
Two pairs of eyes widened and all words dissolved in the blood-tinged air. Jaejoong lowered his gun, not knowing what else to do. His heart was pounding hard in his chest and his hands were getting clammy. His mind was a messy whirl as he willed himself to think of something, anything to remedy the situation. He cursed the heavens for being such a wretched tease. Here he was, at the doorway of the life he had dreamed of and Jung Yunho had to walk in on him.
“You were ignoring my calls and not returning my texts so when I saw you going down the alley, I followed you…” Yunho tried to explain himself. His voice was hoarse and dry, and Jaejoong could see the effort he had put in to keep his voice from shaking. All Jaejoong could do was stare blankly at him, all thoughts having abandoned his head. He wished the ground would swallow the dead body before him and the telltale gun in his hand, but nothing of that sort happened.
“Jaejoongie, are you hurt?” Yunho took a step towards him and Jaejoong contemplated shrinking backwards. “You’ve got blood on your face-”
Jaejoong watched in stunned horror as Yunho fell sideways to the ground with a dull thud. A wail of an injured animal escaped his throat before he could even make sense of what had happened. He saw those chocolate brown orbs he loved so much stare blankly at him; an expression directed towards Jaejoong too many times. But he never wanted to see it coming from Yunho. He never wanted Yunho to look at him like that.
There was another pair of footsteps approaching them as Noona-nim stood over Yunho’s rigid body. The distinctive ‘click’ of a silencer doing its job filled the air for the fifth time.
“YUNHO!” Jaejoong screamed, somehow finding his voice again. He wanted to get to the fallen boy’s side as fast as possible, but his body could only manage a slow shaky crawl. He felt as though the wind had been knocked right out of his lungs; he could not even tell if he was still breathing from the way his chest was heaving so frantically.
“Yunho-ah! Noona-nim, how could you?!”
“What else could I do; he had already seen you doing a hit!” Noona-nim sounded exasperated, almost apologetic, glancing around flusteredly to see if Jaejoong’s pained ruckus had attracted any unwanted attention.
“What do you expect me to do now? How can I- I can’t- I can’t!” Jaejoong finally reached the turn where Yunho lay motionless, his hands clutching at Yunho’s sticky coat. A blood-stained ring box lay forgotten beside Yunho’s open palm, revealing a simple beautiful golden band Jaejoong could not see, his vision blinded by his own tears.
“Jaejoon, hurry, we have to go.” Noona-nim tried to yank Jaejoong up by the back of his collar, but he clung tight to Yunho, as he always did whenever he needed comfort.
“Yunho…” was the only response she received, called out again and again and again like a mantra. He was not even able to string anything coherently, choking on his own sobs and tears. Jaejoong sobbed unabashedly into Yunho’s chest, as though it could ease the heart-wrenching pain he felt. Sob after sob wrecked his petite frame as his tears mingled with the bloodied mess on Yunho's body.
Jaejoong could not breathe. Each breath he took was shuddering and painful; a cruel reminder of the fact that he was alive and Yunho was not. He collapsed into Yunho’s welcoming chest, sticky but still warm. His world felt tipped upside down and started to lose sensation in his extremities, feeling only a numbing, pickling sensation. His chest was rising and falling way too rapidly than what his lungs could handle. His body did not even feel like his anymore. Slowly, his world begin to spin in a messy whirl of bright lights. Jaejoong felt the rough grip of a gun hit the back of his head hard, and he allowed himself to be drawn into the comforting darkness of unconsciousness.
I will leave for-
*~*~*~*~*
*master fic list
A/N: For You (너를 위해) lyrics by Chae Jeongeun. English translation adapted from lovetohateme @ wordpress. Inspired by Im Jaebum's song, as well as a scene from Girl Killer K.
OH. MAI. GAWD. This was supposed to be a short drabble and look at how long-winded it became. =.= I apologise for the abuse of commas and semicolons and how messy the whole thing is. I know the different incidents may seem a bit confusing, so feel free to ask me anything for clarification. :D
I was kinda struggling with whether I should flesh out what's going on in Jaejoong's head, or not mention anything about his feelings at all, because that's how he shuts himself up. :/ Hmm...
Lol and when I thought things couldn't get any kinkier than Yunho's Catch Me teaser, Jaejoong just had to one up him with his album teaser. @_@ WHAT ARE YOU BOYS DOING??? Omg are you like, trying to flirt with each other with your photos? O: Lol my darling appa and umma, please spare a thought for us fans with weak hearts. There is only so much homeostasis can do with regulating blood and drool loss. XDXD
Do preorder Jaejoongie's new album! ONE KISS sounds amazing! I was already tearing up 17seconds into the intro and was fighting to hold back tears for the rest of the song. Hahahaha I'm such a loser when it comes to Jaejoong's music; somehow it speaks to my heart; I can't explain it. XD