World Lit Script
For all my pal(z).
Scene I
Raskolnikov: Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. You see, I’m right now living under the burden of a rather large sin, and I can’t escape it. My sin follows me everywhere, like a little lost child. It tugs at my coat, rouses me awake in the morning and lulls me to sleep at night. Everywhere I go I’m stalked by this nausea…my stomach drops every time I hear a knock on my door, every time I go outside, every time I leave my bed. Father, this is the sin that is mine and mine alone: I am a murderer. I was the one who murdered Lizaveta Ivanovna and Alyona Ivanovna.
Janitor: Uhh, buddy, I ain’t a priest. I’m just the guy who sweeps old gum wrappers out of the confessional.
Raskolnikov: I don’t know why I did it. Officially, the reason I kept telling myself, was that I desperately needed the money. But that’s not it. I don’t know what it was. I’m not a murderer, Father. I’m a law student. I stupidly left law school, and needed to get back in so I could start my legal career. And I just kept telling myself that what I was doing was okay, because she was this greedy, evil, mean-spirited old louse and that I was this, this…I don’t know what the hell I thought I was. I thought of morality as something for everyone below me. My God, Father, I was such a fool. Such a fool.
Concessionist: Look man I know exactly what you’re going through. Like, one time, I was really religious. Went to church every Sunday and all that stuff. Read my Bible every day. Then I just lost interest. I got all caught up in my life and forgot all about whatever religion I was. It didn’t bother me at all either man, because religion didn’t matter anymore. Then one day I have this vision. See me and Jeremy were off…doing things, and then all of a sudden I’m in these woods, right? So I’m in the woods, and then these dogs start chasin’ me and stuff, and I’m runnin’, and I go into this cave, and the cave’s Hell. It was so weird.
Raskolnikov: What did you do?
Concessionist: Rubbernecked, obviously. It was sweet, there were guys with arrows in their guts going “AAAAHHHH!”. And then we went to Heaven and my girlfriend was there.
Raskolnikov: I see. But what does that have to do with my problem?
Concessionist: Hey, you go to Heaven and almost make out with a dead chick and tell me if YOU don’t find God. I got to see Hell, but killin’ a person…that sucks. Doesn’t matter. Point is, you’ve got direction in your life again. You know you need God, so what’re you doin’ talkin’ to me? Go talk to the big guy!
Raskolnikov: I’ll do just that. Thank you so much!
Scene II
Raskolnikov: O Lord, before you all my sins lay naked. Before you, the mighty tremble and the meek rejoice. I beseech you, O Lord, to wash away my sins, so that I may be white as snow.
God: My son, I have followed you since you were born (after you left the womb)(I mean, how could I see you if you were in your mother’s stomach?)(I’m not sticking my head up there). I have always known you as a child of Me, and as such, I will immediately abscond you of all previous sins.
Raskolnikov: Oh, thank you so much Lord!
God: ON ONE CONDITION
Raskolnikov: Anything Lord, anything!
God: There is a man who goes by the name of Zarathustra. He is a dangerous man. Surely not an evil man, but a good man with dangerous ideas that could very well change the world. This cannot pass.
Raskolnikov: But what can I do about this, Lord?
God: Do what you do best.
God tosses Raskolnikov an axe
Raskolnikov: You’re putting a hit out on a philosopher?
God: Perhaps you don’t quite understand how dangerous this man really is! Zarathustra sees himself as the new messiah, one that will ultimately be responsible for the death of God.
Raskolnikov: But why? How does he intend to kill you?
God: By making me obsolete. His ultimate intention is to create a race of Supermen. He believes that if every man is a God, then there’s no use for any ethereal God. But his sins extend far beyond that, dearest Raskolnikov. His theories on morality and the forthcoming race of Supermen inspired none other than Adolf Hitler.
Raskolnikov: No!
God: Yes! This in itself upsets the very balance of my Divine Plan. The whole…me-dying part. Not part of the game plan.
Raskolnikov: Lord, consider him smitten. Just tell me where he is and I’ll make kindling of him.
God: Well, you see my son…we have something of a problem. I…don’t really know where he is.
Raskolnikov: But aren’t you omnipotent?
God: OF COURSE I’M OMNIPOTENT! But I can’t be everywhere! Do I not deserve a break like everyone else? Does God exist to serve man, or man to serve God? Zarathustra would argue the former. And for that, he must be stopped.
Raskolnikov: Do you at least have any idea where he is?
Scene III
God: WHEN Zarathustra was thirty years old, he left his home and the lake of his home, and went into the mountains. There he enjoyed his spirit and his solitude, and for ten years did not weary of it. But finally he had a change of heart - and rising one morning with the dawn, he went before the sun, and spoke thus to it:
Zarathustra: "Oh great star! What would your happiness be if you did not have us to shine for? For ten years you have climbed here to my cave: you would have become weary of shining and of the journey, had it not been for me, my eagle, and my serpent. But we waited for you every morning, took from you your overflow, and blessed you for it. Behold! I am weary of my wisdom, like the bee that has gathered too much honey; I need hands outstretched to take it from me. I wish to spread it and bestow it, until the wise have once more become joyous in their folly, and the poor happy in their riches. For that I must descend into the depths, as you do in the evening when you go below the sea and bring light also to the underworld, you superabundant star! Like you, I must descend - as the men, to whom I shall go, call it. So bless me then, you tranquil eye that can behold even the greatest happiness without envy! Bless the cup that is about to overflow, that the water may flow golden out of it, and carry everywhere the reflection of your bliss! Behold! This cup wants to become empty again, and Zarathustra wants to be a man again.
God: That was the last we heard of Zarathustra before he began what he called his “down-going”. Recent angel intelligence suggests he’s been preaching his antigospel somewhere in your general vicinity. That’s all we have to go on right now. Until then, I’d advise you visit one of his past victims. His name is…
Scene IV
Raskolnikov: Mr. Wiesel?
Wiesel: Yes?
Raskolnikov: Hi, you don’t know me, but I was sent here by God. I’m on a mission to slay the great prophet Zarathustra, but he told me that I should visit you first…
Wiesel: Oh, well, come in, come in. Sit down. May I take your coat? Do you need anything to drink?
Raskolnikov: I’m fine, thank you.
Wiesel: Okay then. (pause) So you say God sent you, eh?
Raskolnikov: Yes, he did. I’m on something of a mission, you see.
Wiesel: To kill a man.
Raskolnikov: Yes.
Wiesel: And you don’t have any problems with this?
Raskolnikov: I’m somewhat experienced in the field. But tell me, Mr. Schachter, why did God send me to you? What’s your connection to Zarathustra?
Wiesel: Haven’t the foggiest. Sure you don’t want anything? I’ve got coke, diet coke, Sprite, Mountain Dew…
Raskolnikov: He said you were one of his victims. Now surely you’d know if this man wronged you so greatly that God Himself stood up and took notice, eh?
(long pause)
Wiesel: I was a concentration camp survivor.
Raskolnikov: Concentration camp? You mean like…Nazi?
Wiesel: Yes, of course I mean “like Nazi”. You think I’d…I was just a little boy. I really don’t like talking about it.
Raskolnikov: Maybe I should go…
Wiesel: NO. No. Sit. I’m sorry, it’s just…not a pleasant subject. I don’t remember very much about it, but what I do no child should have had to see. No child. You know, when we were on the train to Auschwitz, there was this woman in her fifties, her name was Schachter. She was an old friend of the family. And for almost the entire ride there, she kept screaming about this fire she kept seeing. But no one else saw it. We kept telling her to shut up, but she just wouldn’t do it. She just would not shut up. We were already terrified, we didn’t know where we were going, and she just kept screaming at us. We…we had to keep her quiet. So we struck her, many times, and when that didn’t work, we bound and gagged her.
Raskolnikov: I’m sorry.
Wiesel: I’m sorry. I’ve heard that so much, pretty soon I’m going to have to start saying “I forgive you!”. Don’t be. Just do what needs to be done.
Raskolnikov: But how does this apply to Zarathustra?
Wiesel: Zarathustra’s ideas inspired Adolf Hitler. Maybe he didn’t MEAN to, but he did. And I’m sorry, but you want me to feel sorry for him because it wasn’t his fault? No no. I’m sorry for all the millions of little children like myself, shipped through trains like cattle, forced to march to our own slaughter. You know what happened to me on my first night there? They made us get into two…rows, and march straight ahead. We didn’t know where to, only that we had to march or we’d be shot. Then people began talking about how our line lead to the crematorium, and then…then we began marching towards a large ditch, thinking that this was the end…but it wasn’t. Two steps from the ditch, we were ordered to turn around and go back to our bunks. Sir, you know what has to be done. Never again. Never again should this happen. Hitler’s dead, but Zarathustra, he’s still out there. So tell you what. I’ll give you the name of a specialist I know. He’s a bit…nutty, you know? But he lives out in the wilderness, so he’d probably know if Zarathustra’s been out in the woods meditating or…whatever he does.
Raskolnikov: That would be great. Thank you so much.
Wiesel: Not a problem. Not a problem.
Scene V
Rasolnikov: Excuse me, sir?
Oedipus: HIYA! I heard you coming a MILE away!
Raskolnikov: Really?
Oedipus: Oh yeah, oh yeah. Gotta refine my sense of hearing since I’m, ya know, blind. (extends hand) Name’s Oedipus. What can I do ya for?
Raskolnikov: I’m looking for a man named Zarathustra. I heard he tends to wander around these parts, and I was wondering if you’d seen him by any chance?
Oedipus: SEEN him? Jigga, I’m blind! How can I see anything?
Raskolnikov: Oh God, I’m sorry, it’s just that I’m so used to…
Oedipus: Nahh, don’t worry, I’m just messin’. So, you’re looking for Zarathustra, eh? Well isn’t that just too cool? I just bought this really cool oracle down at Natural Wonders. It’s like sixteen dollars and it lets me see past, present, future, sideways…
Raskolnikov: An oracle, huh? Bet you wish you had one of those before you went blind, eh? Eh?
Oedipus: You know, about the whole blindness thing… I did it to myself.
Raskolnikov: You did? Why?
Oedipus: It’s kinda embarrassing…
Raskolnikov: Oh come on. Why’d you do it?
Oedipus: I slept with my mom.
Raskolnikov:…
Oedipus: Look, I didn’t mean to, okay? It was fate. When I was a little boy, an oracle just like this one predicted I’d marry my mother and kill my father, so Mom and Dad had me exiled. And no one told me about this, so when this jerk cuts me off on the road, what do I do? I pull out my gat and bust a cap in his mouth. And when I see a really hot girl, what do I do? I sleep with her. It made sense at the time.
Raskolnikov: Wow. I…WHY?? That’s sick!
Oedipus: I didn’t choose anything! I just thought I was living a normal life, and then one day a prophet comes up and he’s all like “I’ve got some good news, and I’ve got some bad news…”. And you know, once I knew that I knocked up my own freaking mom, I realized that nothing, absolutely NOTHING man does can change fate once its made up its mind. And let me tell you, buddy, if me and fate ever got together in a room with no windows and no doors…hoo boy. You’d better believe I’d punch the hell out of its metaphysical elbows. (pause) So why do you want to meet this Zarathustra?
Raskolnikov: Because he wants to eliminate God and create a world where man is totally self-dependent.
Oedipus: Buddy, you have no idea how lucky you are that I haven’t got to try this thing out yet. Okay…Zarathustra…he is…right there.
Scene VI
(chase sequence; Zarathustra is trapped)
Raskolnikov: And at last, I kill you.
(Raskolnikov raises the axe, but is distracted by some singing)
Raskolnikov: Such a heavenly voice! What’s that?
Lorelei: I am the Lorelei.
Raskolnikov: Your singing…it’s magnificent! But why do you sing at such a time?
Lorelei: So he can escape.
Raskolnikov: Blast you, infernal singing harpy!! Do you serve no purpose besides meddling?
Lorelei: Nope.
Raskolnikov: I…I will deal with YOU later!
Scene VII
(Raskolnikov has once again pinned Zarathustra)
Raskolnikov: This time, incorrigible fiend, you shan’t escape!
Rensei: No, he won’t…but will you?
Raskolnikov: Oh for Heaven’s sake…(lets Zarathustra go)okay, what now?
Rensei: You may regret not killing that young man now, but I assure you you’ve done the right thing.
Raskolnikov: With all due respect, sir, God told me to kill him. Certainly you have no desire to interfere with the work of the Lord Almighty?
Rensei: Certainly not. I am a priest, although not one of your God. My name is Resei, and like you, I was also young. Like you, I also made mistakes. But unlike you, I made perhaps the gravest mistake of all.
Raskolnikov: Why? What did you do?
Rensei: Long ago, I was a soldier for the Genji clan. We were in a neverending feud with a rival family known as the Heike. One day, at the great battle of Ich no Tani, the Heike clan suffered a terrible defeat at a terrible price. During this tragic battle, I encountered a sixteen year old boy by the name of Atsumori. I had no desire to kill him. He posed no threat to me and was, after all, merely a boy. Yet even still I feared one of my comrades would kill him anyway, so I slew him entirely out of mercy. And for many, many years, I sought atonement for my sin. I was lost, my boy, much as you are. Shortly after joining the priesthood, I revisited the battleground where I executed Atsumori, and by sheer luck happened upon his ghost.
Raskolnikov: That is truly amazing! What did you say to him?
Rensei: Very little. I told him that I had been praying ceaselessly, and he forgave me. Then we danced the night away. But I was fortunate, young man. If you killed him, what would the odds be of you stumbling upon his spectre? Not high. You don’t seem like a monster, lad. You needn’t make yourself into one.
Raskolnikov: But…I’ve already killed a person. Two, actually.
Rensei:…YOU ARE EVIL! DO YOU HEAR ME?!? YOU ARE PURE, UNRELENTING DARKNESS! GET THEE BACK BEHIND ME, DEMON, SO THAT YOUR FILTHY EYES WILL NO LONGER CORRUPT ME! (jumps off table)
Raskolnikov (after a pause): What a nice man.
Scene VIII
Crazy Man: YOU THINK, YOU THINK YOU KNOW THE GUITAR!! YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT ITS MUSIC SOUNDS LIKE!?!? YOU DON’T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT SONG! THE SONG! SONG OF THE GUITAR!! YOU SEE, THE GUITAR, IT JUST KEEPS PLAYING, AND, AND, IT NEVER STOPS!! IT PLAYS AT THE SUN, RISES, KEEPS PLAYING AND IT RISES, OH GOD I TRIED TO STOP IT BUT YOU CAN’T! THE GUITAR KEEPS PLAYING! I TRIED TO SHUT IT UP BUT THE GUITAR JUST KEPT ON PLAYING FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER!! IT…IT WANTS ITS PRECIOUS, THE GUITAR. IT WANTS, BUT IT CAN’T HAVE, AND IT’S SO SAD, IT’S HEART IS PIERCED EVERY DAY BUT IT PLAYS, PLAYS……… OH MY GOD I HEAR IT EVEN WHEN I CLOSE MY EARS!!!!!
Zarathustra: Friend of Zarathustra, what troubles you? What great asp has seen fit to coil itself round your feet?
Crazy man: I used to have it all, man, all. I was a winner. Such a big fat winner. I used to be married to this woman, oh god she was perfect, so perfect, she was modest and chaste and pretty and god, she was…OH GOD I MISS HER SO MUCH!
Zarathustra: Zarathustra understands your pain and offers you a Kleenex.
Crazy Man: She was so great, so great, she managed my house so well that I was rich, not rich rich, but felt rich, and I guess that’s all that mattered. And I loved her, but I just couldn’t get over her ugly, ugly pearls! God, I hated them! HATED THEM! They were just so ugly, and she always wanted to wear her disgusting paste jewelry to the opera, and I was always embarrassed to be with her. Then…then she died and I never got to tell her how much I missed her because she died!!!! And, and I ran out of money because I can’t manage money and OH GOD WHY DID YOU TAKE HER FROM ME? WHY? So, so I sold all her jewelry, but they thought it was real! They gave me 18,000 francs for fake jewels, and here I am wandering Paris with thousands of francs and no future, so I end up blowing my money on hookers and cheap Parisan wine. And I remarried……and I hate her.
Zarathustra: Like the ocelot that has devoured a crane, so has mediocrity devoured your pride! Be gone, man of iniquity! Zarathustra cannot stand your stench! As one stands teetering towards the abyss, one needs not a push from the likes of you! But let this much stand, o man of misdeeds! Let you stand as a sterling example of what we must strive against! Pity makes one as a God; but why be a God when one can be a Superman? Why be a horse when one may be the plowshare? ………Thus Spoke Zarathustra.
Scene IX
Raskolnikov: Pardon me, but I’m looking for Zarathustra. Do you know of him?
Knight: Uhh, sorry, don’t know the guy.
Girl: giggle
Knight (playfully): Hey, cut it out! (slaps her back) but yeah, sorry man, can’t help ya there.
Raskonikov: Well, thank you anyway.
Knight: What’re you looking for him for, anyway?
Raskolnikov: He’s planning to kill God, so I must prevent him by any means necessary.
Knight: Whoa man! You ain’t gonna kill him, are you?
Raskolnikov: If need be.
Knight: Whoa! Whoa. That’s pretty sweet. Good luck to ya.
Raskolnikov: Really? Thank you. Most people are rather judgemental on the issue.
Knight: Naw, I’m cool. Hey, look at me. You wouldn’t guess I’m a registered sex offender, would ya?
Raskolnikov: Uhhh….
Knight: Well, I am. See I’m a knight. Got a little ka-RAZY one night and, well, long story short, I raped a chick.
Raskolnikov: IS THERE NO DECENCY LEFT IN THIS WORLD?
Knight: Nawww. Anywhoo, raped a girl, and my sentence was to discover, within a year, what women wanted. And all these women I asked said something different, the year’s almost up, and I’m screwed. Then comes her (gestures towards girlfriend), who’s fat and ugly and old and poor.
Girl: Hey!
Knight: You know I’m just playin’. Eskimo kiss? (Eskimo kiss) This girl, she’s amazing. Completely changed my outlook on women. Yeah, she’s not too good looking, but she’s really…wholesome. And she’s pretty smart, not to mention faithful. Really, do you need anything more than that?
Raskolnikov: No…I guess not.
Scene X
Raskolnikov: Lord! Lord! I need your help now, more than ever! I can’t find Zarathustra and frankly, GASP!
Candide is climbing into the Bruce Almighty poster
Raskolnikov: Why…why you’re not God at all! Who are you?
Candide: …you really wanna know who I am, kid? Pull up a freaking stool. This is gonna take awhile.
Raskolnikov: I’m quite used to people telling me their life stories by now, thank you.
Candide: Super. (pause) You know, you’re not really as dumb as you look. I figured you wouldn’t know it was me until after you whacked Zarathustra.
Raskolnikov: But why!? Who are you?
Candide: Name’s Candide. Used to be a kid, just like you. Used to be young and idealistic and all that crap. Thought this world was just the best frigging world ever. Got screwed up the bum by pretty much every person I met, but kept on believing that life was beautiful. Fell in love with this girl, got separated, etc. etc. Come back to her, many craptacular adventures later, discover she’s ugly and missing half her butt. Spend the rest of my life in poverty and toil. Fun stuff. I need a drink. Want one?
Raskolnikov: But…what does that have to do with anything?
Candide: While onboard a ferry back to my hometown, I met Zarathustra and just knew the guy was up to no good. Longer I talked to him, more dangerous I realized he was. Then I knew: Jesus, you’ve only got one life to live. If this one’s gonna suck, I sure as hell better have some sort of reward coming. I can’t risk someone killing my shot at the big time just to prove a point. So I began posing as God, offering people redemption for any sin if they’d just kill Zarathustra.
Raskolnikov: You’re mad!
Candide: Oh, like you’re one to talk Captain Double Homicide. Tell you what, though: if you really wanna get on God’s good side, saving his life might put you in the frontrunning for salvation. Just a thought.
Raskolnikov: But what’re you going to do?
Candide: I’m gonna kick back and have a brewski.
Scene XI
Apocalypse Now
Raskolnikov: Zarathustra! Why don’t you just come out now so we can have a friendly little chat?
Zarathustra: Behold, the serpent presents its breast to us! What should we make of you, serpent? What scales rest beneath your golden tunic?
Raskolnikov: I’ve come to kill you. And this time, nothing will save you.
Zarathustra: My virtue is all Zarathustra needs for life eternal. No need for ethereal cyclopses. Tell me, serpent, are you familiar with Sophocles?
Raskolnikov: Okay, look, I’m really getting sick of your metaphors. Yes, I know who Sophocles is. Yes, I know that he was a philosopher who believed in absolute truth. Yes, I know that he died for his beliefs because he felt his ideas were more important than his body. Yes, he was a martyr. Yes, I know you’re going to draw comparisons between yourself. No, I don’t care. I’m still going to kill you.
Raskolnikov does so.
Raskolnikov: Freaking finally.
I don’t feel much better, though.
Actually, I feel a lot worse.
Oh God, now I’m a triple murderer!
Why did I even kill him?
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Raskolnikov jumps off a cliff.
Zarathustra: The…end.
Scene I
Raskolnikov: Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. You see, I’m right now living under the burden of a rather large sin, and I can’t escape it. My sin follows me everywhere, like a little lost child. It tugs at my coat, rouses me awake in the morning and lulls me to sleep at night. Everywhere I go I’m stalked by this nausea…my stomach drops every time I hear a knock on my door, every time I go outside, every time I leave my bed. Father, this is the sin that is mine and mine alone: I am a murderer. I was the one who murdered Lizaveta Ivanovna and Alyona Ivanovna.
Janitor: Uhh, buddy, I ain’t a priest. I’m just the guy who sweeps old gum wrappers out of the confessional.
Raskolnikov: I don’t know why I did it. Officially, the reason I kept telling myself, was that I desperately needed the money. But that’s not it. I don’t know what it was. I’m not a murderer, Father. I’m a law student. I stupidly left law school, and needed to get back in so I could start my legal career. And I just kept telling myself that what I was doing was okay, because she was this greedy, evil, mean-spirited old louse and that I was this, this…I don’t know what the hell I thought I was. I thought of morality as something for everyone below me. My God, Father, I was such a fool. Such a fool.
Concessionist: Look man I know exactly what you’re going through. Like, one time, I was really religious. Went to church every Sunday and all that stuff. Read my Bible every day. Then I just lost interest. I got all caught up in my life and forgot all about whatever religion I was. It didn’t bother me at all either man, because religion didn’t matter anymore. Then one day I have this vision. See me and Jeremy were off…doing things, and then all of a sudden I’m in these woods, right? So I’m in the woods, and then these dogs start chasin’ me and stuff, and I’m runnin’, and I go into this cave, and the cave’s Hell. It was so weird.
Raskolnikov: What did you do?
Concessionist: Rubbernecked, obviously. It was sweet, there were guys with arrows in their guts going “AAAAHHHH!”. And then we went to Heaven and my girlfriend was there.
Raskolnikov: I see. But what does that have to do with my problem?
Concessionist: Hey, you go to Heaven and almost make out with a dead chick and tell me if YOU don’t find God. I got to see Hell, but killin’ a person…that sucks. Doesn’t matter. Point is, you’ve got direction in your life again. You know you need God, so what’re you doin’ talkin’ to me? Go talk to the big guy!
Raskolnikov: I’ll do just that. Thank you so much!
Scene II
Raskolnikov: O Lord, before you all my sins lay naked. Before you, the mighty tremble and the meek rejoice. I beseech you, O Lord, to wash away my sins, so that I may be white as snow.
God: My son, I have followed you since you were born (after you left the womb)(I mean, how could I see you if you were in your mother’s stomach?)(I’m not sticking my head up there). I have always known you as a child of Me, and as such, I will immediately abscond you of all previous sins.
Raskolnikov: Oh, thank you so much Lord!
God: ON ONE CONDITION
Raskolnikov: Anything Lord, anything!
God: There is a man who goes by the name of Zarathustra. He is a dangerous man. Surely not an evil man, but a good man with dangerous ideas that could very well change the world. This cannot pass.
Raskolnikov: But what can I do about this, Lord?
God: Do what you do best.
God tosses Raskolnikov an axe
Raskolnikov: You’re putting a hit out on a philosopher?
God: Perhaps you don’t quite understand how dangerous this man really is! Zarathustra sees himself as the new messiah, one that will ultimately be responsible for the death of God.
Raskolnikov: But why? How does he intend to kill you?
God: By making me obsolete. His ultimate intention is to create a race of Supermen. He believes that if every man is a God, then there’s no use for any ethereal God. But his sins extend far beyond that, dearest Raskolnikov. His theories on morality and the forthcoming race of Supermen inspired none other than Adolf Hitler.
Raskolnikov: No!
God: Yes! This in itself upsets the very balance of my Divine Plan. The whole…me-dying part. Not part of the game plan.
Raskolnikov: Lord, consider him smitten. Just tell me where he is and I’ll make kindling of him.
God: Well, you see my son…we have something of a problem. I…don’t really know where he is.
Raskolnikov: But aren’t you omnipotent?
God: OF COURSE I’M OMNIPOTENT! But I can’t be everywhere! Do I not deserve a break like everyone else? Does God exist to serve man, or man to serve God? Zarathustra would argue the former. And for that, he must be stopped.
Raskolnikov: Do you at least have any idea where he is?
Scene III
God: WHEN Zarathustra was thirty years old, he left his home and the lake of his home, and went into the mountains. There he enjoyed his spirit and his solitude, and for ten years did not weary of it. But finally he had a change of heart - and rising one morning with the dawn, he went before the sun, and spoke thus to it:
Zarathustra: "Oh great star! What would your happiness be if you did not have us to shine for? For ten years you have climbed here to my cave: you would have become weary of shining and of the journey, had it not been for me, my eagle, and my serpent. But we waited for you every morning, took from you your overflow, and blessed you for it. Behold! I am weary of my wisdom, like the bee that has gathered too much honey; I need hands outstretched to take it from me. I wish to spread it and bestow it, until the wise have once more become joyous in their folly, and the poor happy in their riches. For that I must descend into the depths, as you do in the evening when you go below the sea and bring light also to the underworld, you superabundant star! Like you, I must descend - as the men, to whom I shall go, call it. So bless me then, you tranquil eye that can behold even the greatest happiness without envy! Bless the cup that is about to overflow, that the water may flow golden out of it, and carry everywhere the reflection of your bliss! Behold! This cup wants to become empty again, and Zarathustra wants to be a man again.
God: That was the last we heard of Zarathustra before he began what he called his “down-going”. Recent angel intelligence suggests he’s been preaching his antigospel somewhere in your general vicinity. That’s all we have to go on right now. Until then, I’d advise you visit one of his past victims. His name is…
Scene IV
Raskolnikov: Mr. Wiesel?
Wiesel: Yes?
Raskolnikov: Hi, you don’t know me, but I was sent here by God. I’m on a mission to slay the great prophet Zarathustra, but he told me that I should visit you first…
Wiesel: Oh, well, come in, come in. Sit down. May I take your coat? Do you need anything to drink?
Raskolnikov: I’m fine, thank you.
Wiesel: Okay then. (pause) So you say God sent you, eh?
Raskolnikov: Yes, he did. I’m on something of a mission, you see.
Wiesel: To kill a man.
Raskolnikov: Yes.
Wiesel: And you don’t have any problems with this?
Raskolnikov: I’m somewhat experienced in the field. But tell me, Mr. Schachter, why did God send me to you? What’s your connection to Zarathustra?
Wiesel: Haven’t the foggiest. Sure you don’t want anything? I’ve got coke, diet coke, Sprite, Mountain Dew…
Raskolnikov: He said you were one of his victims. Now surely you’d know if this man wronged you so greatly that God Himself stood up and took notice, eh?
(long pause)
Wiesel: I was a concentration camp survivor.
Raskolnikov: Concentration camp? You mean like…Nazi?
Wiesel: Yes, of course I mean “like Nazi”. You think I’d…I was just a little boy. I really don’t like talking about it.
Raskolnikov: Maybe I should go…
Wiesel: NO. No. Sit. I’m sorry, it’s just…not a pleasant subject. I don’t remember very much about it, but what I do no child should have had to see. No child. You know, when we were on the train to Auschwitz, there was this woman in her fifties, her name was Schachter. She was an old friend of the family. And for almost the entire ride there, she kept screaming about this fire she kept seeing. But no one else saw it. We kept telling her to shut up, but she just wouldn’t do it. She just would not shut up. We were already terrified, we didn’t know where we were going, and she just kept screaming at us. We…we had to keep her quiet. So we struck her, many times, and when that didn’t work, we bound and gagged her.
Raskolnikov: I’m sorry.
Wiesel: I’m sorry. I’ve heard that so much, pretty soon I’m going to have to start saying “I forgive you!”. Don’t be. Just do what needs to be done.
Raskolnikov: But how does this apply to Zarathustra?
Wiesel: Zarathustra’s ideas inspired Adolf Hitler. Maybe he didn’t MEAN to, but he did. And I’m sorry, but you want me to feel sorry for him because it wasn’t his fault? No no. I’m sorry for all the millions of little children like myself, shipped through trains like cattle, forced to march to our own slaughter. You know what happened to me on my first night there? They made us get into two…rows, and march straight ahead. We didn’t know where to, only that we had to march or we’d be shot. Then people began talking about how our line lead to the crematorium, and then…then we began marching towards a large ditch, thinking that this was the end…but it wasn’t. Two steps from the ditch, we were ordered to turn around and go back to our bunks. Sir, you know what has to be done. Never again. Never again should this happen. Hitler’s dead, but Zarathustra, he’s still out there. So tell you what. I’ll give you the name of a specialist I know. He’s a bit…nutty, you know? But he lives out in the wilderness, so he’d probably know if Zarathustra’s been out in the woods meditating or…whatever he does.
Raskolnikov: That would be great. Thank you so much.
Wiesel: Not a problem. Not a problem.
Scene V
Rasolnikov: Excuse me, sir?
Oedipus: HIYA! I heard you coming a MILE away!
Raskolnikov: Really?
Oedipus: Oh yeah, oh yeah. Gotta refine my sense of hearing since I’m, ya know, blind. (extends hand) Name’s Oedipus. What can I do ya for?
Raskolnikov: I’m looking for a man named Zarathustra. I heard he tends to wander around these parts, and I was wondering if you’d seen him by any chance?
Oedipus: SEEN him? Jigga, I’m blind! How can I see anything?
Raskolnikov: Oh God, I’m sorry, it’s just that I’m so used to…
Oedipus: Nahh, don’t worry, I’m just messin’. So, you’re looking for Zarathustra, eh? Well isn’t that just too cool? I just bought this really cool oracle down at Natural Wonders. It’s like sixteen dollars and it lets me see past, present, future, sideways…
Raskolnikov: An oracle, huh? Bet you wish you had one of those before you went blind, eh? Eh?
Oedipus: You know, about the whole blindness thing… I did it to myself.
Raskolnikov: You did? Why?
Oedipus: It’s kinda embarrassing…
Raskolnikov: Oh come on. Why’d you do it?
Oedipus: I slept with my mom.
Raskolnikov:…
Oedipus: Look, I didn’t mean to, okay? It was fate. When I was a little boy, an oracle just like this one predicted I’d marry my mother and kill my father, so Mom and Dad had me exiled. And no one told me about this, so when this jerk cuts me off on the road, what do I do? I pull out my gat and bust a cap in his mouth. And when I see a really hot girl, what do I do? I sleep with her. It made sense at the time.
Raskolnikov: Wow. I…WHY?? That’s sick!
Oedipus: I didn’t choose anything! I just thought I was living a normal life, and then one day a prophet comes up and he’s all like “I’ve got some good news, and I’ve got some bad news…”. And you know, once I knew that I knocked up my own freaking mom, I realized that nothing, absolutely NOTHING man does can change fate once its made up its mind. And let me tell you, buddy, if me and fate ever got together in a room with no windows and no doors…hoo boy. You’d better believe I’d punch the hell out of its metaphysical elbows. (pause) So why do you want to meet this Zarathustra?
Raskolnikov: Because he wants to eliminate God and create a world where man is totally self-dependent.
Oedipus: Buddy, you have no idea how lucky you are that I haven’t got to try this thing out yet. Okay…Zarathustra…he is…right there.
Scene VI
(chase sequence; Zarathustra is trapped)
Raskolnikov: And at last, I kill you.
(Raskolnikov raises the axe, but is distracted by some singing)
Raskolnikov: Such a heavenly voice! What’s that?
Lorelei: I am the Lorelei.
Raskolnikov: Your singing…it’s magnificent! But why do you sing at such a time?
Lorelei: So he can escape.
Raskolnikov: Blast you, infernal singing harpy!! Do you serve no purpose besides meddling?
Lorelei: Nope.
Raskolnikov: I…I will deal with YOU later!
Scene VII
(Raskolnikov has once again pinned Zarathustra)
Raskolnikov: This time, incorrigible fiend, you shan’t escape!
Rensei: No, he won’t…but will you?
Raskolnikov: Oh for Heaven’s sake…(lets Zarathustra go)okay, what now?
Rensei: You may regret not killing that young man now, but I assure you you’ve done the right thing.
Raskolnikov: With all due respect, sir, God told me to kill him. Certainly you have no desire to interfere with the work of the Lord Almighty?
Rensei: Certainly not. I am a priest, although not one of your God. My name is Resei, and like you, I was also young. Like you, I also made mistakes. But unlike you, I made perhaps the gravest mistake of all.
Raskolnikov: Why? What did you do?
Rensei: Long ago, I was a soldier for the Genji clan. We were in a neverending feud with a rival family known as the Heike. One day, at the great battle of Ich no Tani, the Heike clan suffered a terrible defeat at a terrible price. During this tragic battle, I encountered a sixteen year old boy by the name of Atsumori. I had no desire to kill him. He posed no threat to me and was, after all, merely a boy. Yet even still I feared one of my comrades would kill him anyway, so I slew him entirely out of mercy. And for many, many years, I sought atonement for my sin. I was lost, my boy, much as you are. Shortly after joining the priesthood, I revisited the battleground where I executed Atsumori, and by sheer luck happened upon his ghost.
Raskolnikov: That is truly amazing! What did you say to him?
Rensei: Very little. I told him that I had been praying ceaselessly, and he forgave me. Then we danced the night away. But I was fortunate, young man. If you killed him, what would the odds be of you stumbling upon his spectre? Not high. You don’t seem like a monster, lad. You needn’t make yourself into one.
Raskolnikov: But…I’ve already killed a person. Two, actually.
Rensei:…YOU ARE EVIL! DO YOU HEAR ME?!? YOU ARE PURE, UNRELENTING DARKNESS! GET THEE BACK BEHIND ME, DEMON, SO THAT YOUR FILTHY EYES WILL NO LONGER CORRUPT ME! (jumps off table)
Raskolnikov (after a pause): What a nice man.
Scene VIII
Crazy Man: YOU THINK, YOU THINK YOU KNOW THE GUITAR!! YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT ITS MUSIC SOUNDS LIKE!?!? YOU DON’T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT SONG! THE SONG! SONG OF THE GUITAR!! YOU SEE, THE GUITAR, IT JUST KEEPS PLAYING, AND, AND, IT NEVER STOPS!! IT PLAYS AT THE SUN, RISES, KEEPS PLAYING AND IT RISES, OH GOD I TRIED TO STOP IT BUT YOU CAN’T! THE GUITAR KEEPS PLAYING! I TRIED TO SHUT IT UP BUT THE GUITAR JUST KEPT ON PLAYING FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER!! IT…IT WANTS ITS PRECIOUS, THE GUITAR. IT WANTS, BUT IT CAN’T HAVE, AND IT’S SO SAD, IT’S HEART IS PIERCED EVERY DAY BUT IT PLAYS, PLAYS……… OH MY GOD I HEAR IT EVEN WHEN I CLOSE MY EARS!!!!!
Zarathustra: Friend of Zarathustra, what troubles you? What great asp has seen fit to coil itself round your feet?
Crazy man: I used to have it all, man, all. I was a winner. Such a big fat winner. I used to be married to this woman, oh god she was perfect, so perfect, she was modest and chaste and pretty and god, she was…OH GOD I MISS HER SO MUCH!
Zarathustra: Zarathustra understands your pain and offers you a Kleenex.
Crazy Man: She was so great, so great, she managed my house so well that I was rich, not rich rich, but felt rich, and I guess that’s all that mattered. And I loved her, but I just couldn’t get over her ugly, ugly pearls! God, I hated them! HATED THEM! They were just so ugly, and she always wanted to wear her disgusting paste jewelry to the opera, and I was always embarrassed to be with her. Then…then she died and I never got to tell her how much I missed her because she died!!!! And, and I ran out of money because I can’t manage money and OH GOD WHY DID YOU TAKE HER FROM ME? WHY? So, so I sold all her jewelry, but they thought it was real! They gave me 18,000 francs for fake jewels, and here I am wandering Paris with thousands of francs and no future, so I end up blowing my money on hookers and cheap Parisan wine. And I remarried……and I hate her.
Zarathustra: Like the ocelot that has devoured a crane, so has mediocrity devoured your pride! Be gone, man of iniquity! Zarathustra cannot stand your stench! As one stands teetering towards the abyss, one needs not a push from the likes of you! But let this much stand, o man of misdeeds! Let you stand as a sterling example of what we must strive against! Pity makes one as a God; but why be a God when one can be a Superman? Why be a horse when one may be the plowshare? ………Thus Spoke Zarathustra.
Scene IX
Raskolnikov: Pardon me, but I’m looking for Zarathustra. Do you know of him?
Knight: Uhh, sorry, don’t know the guy.
Girl: giggle
Knight (playfully): Hey, cut it out! (slaps her back) but yeah, sorry man, can’t help ya there.
Raskonikov: Well, thank you anyway.
Knight: What’re you looking for him for, anyway?
Raskolnikov: He’s planning to kill God, so I must prevent him by any means necessary.
Knight: Whoa man! You ain’t gonna kill him, are you?
Raskolnikov: If need be.
Knight: Whoa! Whoa. That’s pretty sweet. Good luck to ya.
Raskolnikov: Really? Thank you. Most people are rather judgemental on the issue.
Knight: Naw, I’m cool. Hey, look at me. You wouldn’t guess I’m a registered sex offender, would ya?
Raskolnikov: Uhhh….
Knight: Well, I am. See I’m a knight. Got a little ka-RAZY one night and, well, long story short, I raped a chick.
Raskolnikov: IS THERE NO DECENCY LEFT IN THIS WORLD?
Knight: Nawww. Anywhoo, raped a girl, and my sentence was to discover, within a year, what women wanted. And all these women I asked said something different, the year’s almost up, and I’m screwed. Then comes her (gestures towards girlfriend), who’s fat and ugly and old and poor.
Girl: Hey!
Knight: You know I’m just playin’. Eskimo kiss? (Eskimo kiss) This girl, she’s amazing. Completely changed my outlook on women. Yeah, she’s not too good looking, but she’s really…wholesome. And she’s pretty smart, not to mention faithful. Really, do you need anything more than that?
Raskolnikov: No…I guess not.
Scene X
Raskolnikov: Lord! Lord! I need your help now, more than ever! I can’t find Zarathustra and frankly, GASP!
Candide is climbing into the Bruce Almighty poster
Raskolnikov: Why…why you’re not God at all! Who are you?
Candide: …you really wanna know who I am, kid? Pull up a freaking stool. This is gonna take awhile.
Raskolnikov: I’m quite used to people telling me their life stories by now, thank you.
Candide: Super. (pause) You know, you’re not really as dumb as you look. I figured you wouldn’t know it was me until after you whacked Zarathustra.
Raskolnikov: But why!? Who are you?
Candide: Name’s Candide. Used to be a kid, just like you. Used to be young and idealistic and all that crap. Thought this world was just the best frigging world ever. Got screwed up the bum by pretty much every person I met, but kept on believing that life was beautiful. Fell in love with this girl, got separated, etc. etc. Come back to her, many craptacular adventures later, discover she’s ugly and missing half her butt. Spend the rest of my life in poverty and toil. Fun stuff. I need a drink. Want one?
Raskolnikov: But…what does that have to do with anything?
Candide: While onboard a ferry back to my hometown, I met Zarathustra and just knew the guy was up to no good. Longer I talked to him, more dangerous I realized he was. Then I knew: Jesus, you’ve only got one life to live. If this one’s gonna suck, I sure as hell better have some sort of reward coming. I can’t risk someone killing my shot at the big time just to prove a point. So I began posing as God, offering people redemption for any sin if they’d just kill Zarathustra.
Raskolnikov: You’re mad!
Candide: Oh, like you’re one to talk Captain Double Homicide. Tell you what, though: if you really wanna get on God’s good side, saving his life might put you in the frontrunning for salvation. Just a thought.
Raskolnikov: But what’re you going to do?
Candide: I’m gonna kick back and have a brewski.
Scene XI
Apocalypse Now
Raskolnikov: Zarathustra! Why don’t you just come out now so we can have a friendly little chat?
Zarathustra: Behold, the serpent presents its breast to us! What should we make of you, serpent? What scales rest beneath your golden tunic?
Raskolnikov: I’ve come to kill you. And this time, nothing will save you.
Zarathustra: My virtue is all Zarathustra needs for life eternal. No need for ethereal cyclopses. Tell me, serpent, are you familiar with Sophocles?
Raskolnikov: Okay, look, I’m really getting sick of your metaphors. Yes, I know who Sophocles is. Yes, I know that he was a philosopher who believed in absolute truth. Yes, I know that he died for his beliefs because he felt his ideas were more important than his body. Yes, he was a martyr. Yes, I know you’re going to draw comparisons between yourself. No, I don’t care. I’m still going to kill you.
Raskolnikov does so.
Raskolnikov: Freaking finally.
I don’t feel much better, though.
Actually, I feel a lot worse.
Oh God, now I’m a triple murderer!
Why did I even kill him?
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Raskolnikov jumps off a cliff.
Zarathustra: The…end.