FIC: Xerox Vs. the Competition
TITLE: Xerox Vs. the Competition
AUTHOR: barely_bean
PAIRING: McKay/Sheppard
RATING: I sadly, don't make it past G
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Written for the summercon 'Blame Someone Else' challenge. hyperfocused's prompt was Someone discovers the Ancient photocopier. What weird things happen at the annual holiday party? This is an answer to that challenge in only the loosest sense of the word. A very deep thank you to scribblinlenore for a emergency last minute beta.
They don't realize that anything is wrong until the party. Rodney walks into the hastily decorated mess hall and spots Sheppard-in the middle of the dance floor doing something possibly illegal with his hips, with a lieutenant under his command. Rodney blinks in surprise. He's aware that the colonel is great at sabotaging his own career but this is a little ridiculous. Usually even Sheppard shows a little more self-control than this.
He's about to turn around and walk out of the mess hall when the situation hits him. Because walking in the door is...Colonel Sheppard? The second Sheppard walks right past him and heads towards a group of young marines, a flirtatious smirk on his face.
"What the hell?" Rodney hears, and it takes him a second to realize that he didn't say it. He turns around and finds himself staring at Colonel Sheppard. A third one.
Huh, he thinks. Something's not right.
***
They discover four more Sheppards look-alikes running around the city. One of them has cornered Lorne in a deserted hallway. When the marines pull him off the major, it's hard to tell who looks more embarrassed, Major Lorne, the marines, or the Sheppard standing beside him.
(They'd already concluded that this Sheppard was the original after Rodney had questioned him and Sheppard had smacked him upside the head. It should have disturbed Rodney some that this made perfect sense to him.)
(Also, this Sheppard hadn't tried to jump him once. Rodney refused to consider that swirling feeling in the pit of his stomach was disappointment.)
They gather the Sheppards and put them in the infirmary, under marine guard. The look on Carson's face is priceless. The speculative gleam in Cadman's eyes, however, leaves Rodney feeling uneasy.
There's a brief meeting where Elizabeth looks uncomfortable, Sheppard avoids making eye contact with anyone, Radek offers up laughable hypotheses, and in the end, it's clear than it's basically up to Rodney to come up with an explanation and a solution. Again.
***
"Go ahead. Get all the jokes out of your system," Sheppard says, ambling into the lab where Rodney's working.
Rodney frowns. Sure, this situation earns Rodney a lifetime worth of jokes, and he plans to make use of it, but Sheppard asking to be mocked, well, that's just taking the fun out of the situation.
"I'm sorry, Colonel. I don't have time to entertain you right now and solve this problem. Can you come back another time?"
"And here I thought you were good at multitasking." He hops up onto the table, parking himself right next to the computer, making it impossible for Rodney to ignore him. Not that Rodney's ever actually been able to ignore him.
"You know what I find particularly funny about this situation?"
"The fact that none of your clones seems to know what a hairbrush is either?"
"How about, I'll be lucky if sending me back to Antarctica is all they do after this?"
"What?" Rodney looks up at that. "Why would they-"
"Rodney, a bunch of marines caught me molesting my 2IC. I think there's a 'not putting on a public show' clause in DADT regulations."
"Yeah, but everyone gets that it wasn't you. It's not like you're-" And there's just the tiniest flicker in Sheppard's eyes, something that Rodney would have never noticed, except that Sheppard's sitting there, showing it to him.
"Oh," he says dumbly.
Radek chooses that moment to squawk in his ear, asking them to come down to Weir's office.
***
"Was an experiment," Radek states. "To do list."
"It was devised as a way to make a temporary copy of a person, so that they could carry out one's menial chores, leaving the original free to do more important tasks," Elizabeth clarifies Radek's cryptic statement.
"But the colonel's clones haven't been doing anything. Except you know, trying to sleep their way across Atlantis, unless," he turns to Sheppard. "Oh my god, you really are trying to get into everyone's pants!"
If looks could kill, Rodney is sure that Sheppard's lancing glare would have put him six feet under.
"Yes, Rodney. This was clearly my intent."
"How do we know it isn't?" Rodney counters.
Sheppard throws his arms in the air. "Fine. Fine. I'm a gigantic slut. I am Captain Kirk. Can we just get this dealt with and I can kick your ass later?"
"Gentlemen," Elizabeth says sternly, "can we please get back to the matter at hand?" They both turn back to face her, embarrassed.
"What I was about to say was that it seems like the experiment never succeeded. They were able to create the temporary copies, but were unable to control their actions. The action of the copies is no reflection of the original person's intent."
Sheppard doesn't react, but Rodney just knows that mentally he's sticking his tongue out at Rodney.
"What I need you to do is to go back to the labs you were exploring today and figure out a way to turn off the device. Colonel Sheppard, I'd like you to escort him. He might need your help turning of the device."
They all go their separate ways. Sheppard accompanies Rodney back to his lab so he can grab his datapad, and then over to the West Pier, where the labs they were exploring this morning are located. He doesn't say a word to Rodney the entire time.
***
It's actually a little anti-climatic. The device, once they figure out which thing Sheppard touched when he wasn't supposed to, just requires them to think 'off' at it. And it turns out that the clones will disappear in an hour or so, no harm no foul.
All in all, it's one of the less terrifying things they've accidentally unleashed on Atlantis with their bumbling understanding of the doodads that the Ancients left behind. No one's dead, and everyone seems more than willing to forget the more embarrassing aspects of the Sheppard doppelgangers, so really, no lasting effects.
If you could ignore the way Sheppard hasn't spoken to Rodney all evening.
By midnight, Rodney has had it. He's used to people being pissed off at him. God knows, he's used to offending people. But the colonel's never really taken offense at Rodney's lack of tact before, and frankly, Sheppard being pissed at him always leaves him feeling unbalanced.
He walks to Sheppard's door, not really sure what he's planning to say, only knowing that it somehow should resemble an apology. The fact that he's terrible at apologies, well, that doesn't bode well for him.
The door opens before he even knocks, and Sheppard's leaning against the doorjamb.
"Yes?" he asks politely, waggling his eyebrows.
"Oh please." Rodney pushes his way into the room. "You knew I was going to come."
"I did?"
"Of course you did. You got all pouty, and you knew I'd feel bad, even though it wasn't like I actually meant-"
"To call me a slut in front of all my co-workers?"
"Yeah. That."
"Well, that's nice. I would hate to think you don't respect me." He's smiling, but it's false. It's weird how Rodney's come to know that about him, to know which of his smiles are real and which don't quite make it to his eyes
"I do respect you. I respect you more than just about anyone else out here."
The look on Sheppard's face changes, becomes more welcoming, and Rodney breathes in relief.
"I'm sorry. The whole thing just threw me."
Sheppard finally relents. He moves away from the door and sits down on his bed. "Tell me about it. One Ancient photocopier jams, and my 2IC and I are going to be avoiding each other for the rest of eternity."
"Well, it's not like it's your fault that your clones were perpetually horny."
Sheppard ducks his head, and wow, his ears turn pink. He's blushing. Rodney's never seen that before.
"OH GOD. It was *your* fault. You really are a-"
"Let's not start that again."
"What did you do?" Rodney demands. "Tell me now."
"It's just-" Sheppard's entire face looks like it's going to burst into flames, that's how red he is. Rodney would actually feel a little bad if he wasn't so fascinated. "I just got to thinking. I mean, we were in the labs all day, and you kept-well touching things, and your *hands*, and talking, that stupid smug way you have, and God."
"Wait, you're saying it was me? You were all hot and bothered over-wait, the talking? Really?"
"Yes. *Really.*"
"Huh." Rodney grins. Sheppard scowls at him, but the expression turns hopeful when Rodney steps into his personal space and runs a hand over his cheek.
"It might be that I was a little jealous," he admits. "I mean, they hit on everyone *but* me."
"I don't know why. It wasn't my intent-it wasn't because I wasn't-" His hands wrap around the back of Rodney's thighs, gripping slightly.
"Yeah. I'm starting to get that."
"So, you're okay with this? Even if, apparently, I'm a big slut?"
"Nothing wrong with a little sluttiness," Rodney says, pushing him back onto the bed. "In fact, I wouldn't mind at all. As long as you were only slutty with me."
"That could be arranged," he replies, and Rodney can feel Sheppard's smile when he kisses him.
(end)
AUTHOR: barely_bean
PAIRING: McKay/Sheppard
RATING: I sadly, don't make it past G
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Written for the summercon 'Blame Someone Else' challenge. hyperfocused's prompt was Someone discovers the Ancient photocopier. What weird things happen at the annual holiday party? This is an answer to that challenge in only the loosest sense of the word. A very deep thank you to scribblinlenore for a emergency last minute beta.
They don't realize that anything is wrong until the party. Rodney walks into the hastily decorated mess hall and spots Sheppard-in the middle of the dance floor doing something possibly illegal with his hips, with a lieutenant under his command. Rodney blinks in surprise. He's aware that the colonel is great at sabotaging his own career but this is a little ridiculous. Usually even Sheppard shows a little more self-control than this.
He's about to turn around and walk out of the mess hall when the situation hits him. Because walking in the door is...Colonel Sheppard? The second Sheppard walks right past him and heads towards a group of young marines, a flirtatious smirk on his face.
"What the hell?" Rodney hears, and it takes him a second to realize that he didn't say it. He turns around and finds himself staring at Colonel Sheppard. A third one.
Huh, he thinks. Something's not right.
***
They discover four more Sheppards look-alikes running around the city. One of them has cornered Lorne in a deserted hallway. When the marines pull him off the major, it's hard to tell who looks more embarrassed, Major Lorne, the marines, or the Sheppard standing beside him.
(They'd already concluded that this Sheppard was the original after Rodney had questioned him and Sheppard had smacked him upside the head. It should have disturbed Rodney some that this made perfect sense to him.)
(Also, this Sheppard hadn't tried to jump him once. Rodney refused to consider that swirling feeling in the pit of his stomach was disappointment.)
They gather the Sheppards and put them in the infirmary, under marine guard. The look on Carson's face is priceless. The speculative gleam in Cadman's eyes, however, leaves Rodney feeling uneasy.
There's a brief meeting where Elizabeth looks uncomfortable, Sheppard avoids making eye contact with anyone, Radek offers up laughable hypotheses, and in the end, it's clear than it's basically up to Rodney to come up with an explanation and a solution. Again.
***
"Go ahead. Get all the jokes out of your system," Sheppard says, ambling into the lab where Rodney's working.
Rodney frowns. Sure, this situation earns Rodney a lifetime worth of jokes, and he plans to make use of it, but Sheppard asking to be mocked, well, that's just taking the fun out of the situation.
"I'm sorry, Colonel. I don't have time to entertain you right now and solve this problem. Can you come back another time?"
"And here I thought you were good at multitasking." He hops up onto the table, parking himself right next to the computer, making it impossible for Rodney to ignore him. Not that Rodney's ever actually been able to ignore him.
"You know what I find particularly funny about this situation?"
"The fact that none of your clones seems to know what a hairbrush is either?"
"How about, I'll be lucky if sending me back to Antarctica is all they do after this?"
"What?" Rodney looks up at that. "Why would they-"
"Rodney, a bunch of marines caught me molesting my 2IC. I think there's a 'not putting on a public show' clause in DADT regulations."
"Yeah, but everyone gets that it wasn't you. It's not like you're-" And there's just the tiniest flicker in Sheppard's eyes, something that Rodney would have never noticed, except that Sheppard's sitting there, showing it to him.
"Oh," he says dumbly.
Radek chooses that moment to squawk in his ear, asking them to come down to Weir's office.
***
"Was an experiment," Radek states. "To do list."
"It was devised as a way to make a temporary copy of a person, so that they could carry out one's menial chores, leaving the original free to do more important tasks," Elizabeth clarifies Radek's cryptic statement.
"But the colonel's clones haven't been doing anything. Except you know, trying to sleep their way across Atlantis, unless," he turns to Sheppard. "Oh my god, you really are trying to get into everyone's pants!"
If looks could kill, Rodney is sure that Sheppard's lancing glare would have put him six feet under.
"Yes, Rodney. This was clearly my intent."
"How do we know it isn't?" Rodney counters.
Sheppard throws his arms in the air. "Fine. Fine. I'm a gigantic slut. I am Captain Kirk. Can we just get this dealt with and I can kick your ass later?"
"Gentlemen," Elizabeth says sternly, "can we please get back to the matter at hand?" They both turn back to face her, embarrassed.
"What I was about to say was that it seems like the experiment never succeeded. They were able to create the temporary copies, but were unable to control their actions. The action of the copies is no reflection of the original person's intent."
Sheppard doesn't react, but Rodney just knows that mentally he's sticking his tongue out at Rodney.
"What I need you to do is to go back to the labs you were exploring today and figure out a way to turn off the device. Colonel Sheppard, I'd like you to escort him. He might need your help turning of the device."
They all go their separate ways. Sheppard accompanies Rodney back to his lab so he can grab his datapad, and then over to the West Pier, where the labs they were exploring this morning are located. He doesn't say a word to Rodney the entire time.
***
It's actually a little anti-climatic. The device, once they figure out which thing Sheppard touched when he wasn't supposed to, just requires them to think 'off' at it. And it turns out that the clones will disappear in an hour or so, no harm no foul.
All in all, it's one of the less terrifying things they've accidentally unleashed on Atlantis with their bumbling understanding of the doodads that the Ancients left behind. No one's dead, and everyone seems more than willing to forget the more embarrassing aspects of the Sheppard doppelgangers, so really, no lasting effects.
If you could ignore the way Sheppard hasn't spoken to Rodney all evening.
By midnight, Rodney has had it. He's used to people being pissed off at him. God knows, he's used to offending people. But the colonel's never really taken offense at Rodney's lack of tact before, and frankly, Sheppard being pissed at him always leaves him feeling unbalanced.
He walks to Sheppard's door, not really sure what he's planning to say, only knowing that it somehow should resemble an apology. The fact that he's terrible at apologies, well, that doesn't bode well for him.
The door opens before he even knocks, and Sheppard's leaning against the doorjamb.
"Yes?" he asks politely, waggling his eyebrows.
"Oh please." Rodney pushes his way into the room. "You knew I was going to come."
"I did?"
"Of course you did. You got all pouty, and you knew I'd feel bad, even though it wasn't like I actually meant-"
"To call me a slut in front of all my co-workers?"
"Yeah. That."
"Well, that's nice. I would hate to think you don't respect me." He's smiling, but it's false. It's weird how Rodney's come to know that about him, to know which of his smiles are real and which don't quite make it to his eyes
"I do respect you. I respect you more than just about anyone else out here."
The look on Sheppard's face changes, becomes more welcoming, and Rodney breathes in relief.
"I'm sorry. The whole thing just threw me."
Sheppard finally relents. He moves away from the door and sits down on his bed. "Tell me about it. One Ancient photocopier jams, and my 2IC and I are going to be avoiding each other for the rest of eternity."
"Well, it's not like it's your fault that your clones were perpetually horny."
Sheppard ducks his head, and wow, his ears turn pink. He's blushing. Rodney's never seen that before.
"OH GOD. It was *your* fault. You really are a-"
"Let's not start that again."
"What did you do?" Rodney demands. "Tell me now."
"It's just-" Sheppard's entire face looks like it's going to burst into flames, that's how red he is. Rodney would actually feel a little bad if he wasn't so fascinated. "I just got to thinking. I mean, we were in the labs all day, and you kept-well touching things, and your *hands*, and talking, that stupid smug way you have, and God."
"Wait, you're saying it was me? You were all hot and bothered over-wait, the talking? Really?"
"Yes. *Really.*"
"Huh." Rodney grins. Sheppard scowls at him, but the expression turns hopeful when Rodney steps into his personal space and runs a hand over his cheek.
"It might be that I was a little jealous," he admits. "I mean, they hit on everyone *but* me."
"I don't know why. It wasn't my intent-it wasn't because I wasn't-" His hands wrap around the back of Rodney's thighs, gripping slightly.
"Yeah. I'm starting to get that."
"So, you're okay with this? Even if, apparently, I'm a big slut?"
"Nothing wrong with a little sluttiness," Rodney says, pushing him back onto the bed. "In fact, I wouldn't mind at all. As long as you were only slutty with me."
"That could be arranged," he replies, and Rodney can feel Sheppard's smile when he kisses him.
(end)