damnit
my main problems are self esteem and sleep 1.Had a shitty week. It's funny how little things will bother me when every week I have is exactly the same in most respects. Still working 50+ hours, still drink at least once a week, still never want to get out of bed. I went to a bar to well "celebrate" dorothy having been home and she is now back in Mexico City, it felt just like high school though. Hanging out with my pretty friends who have nothing to do with punk and would rather just go out every weekend then say see a movie or have a dinner. Kudos to them for convincing me to do this again, too bad I played a 5th wheel and felt exactly how I did when we were younger with guys fawning over my friends and me feeling pretty hurt by it. I'm old enough to know that people go to bars with dance nights looking for girls like my friends, not me, thats why I do other things that interest me more where I might get some attention, but I could not shake that feeling of being so secondary and having everyone around me uphold it off. I just made a bad situation worse when I should have just passed out as soon as I got home.
2. I got in bed around 5 yesterday, waiting for plans to come together and if not, head off to the show. I woke up at 1 am, and went back to sleep. I could barely get up at 10 this morning. I slept for over 14 hours and I didn't need it. I've been taking iron supplements for years and it's not helping now and I don't know why. Depression may have made me sleepy when I was younger but I have too much shit going on now to feel too bad and understand that going out and doing shit is worth it. I've been eating healthy, getting enough sleep and trying to throw in the odd bit of walking in the cold if I can't make it to the gym. It's nights like this that I want anything that will keep me up. It's hard knowing I have an addiction to being awake and having energy, that I would do lines if it meant I could go to work and not just think about how soon I can go home to bed, I don't want to party or dance all night, I want to fucking have enough energy to make it through a sedentary day at work.
On the plus side, I definitely got tickets to see justice in march, trash talk is playing in march, maybe I'll make myself go to earth crisis (more to see down to nothing and be in richmond) in march.
2. I got in bed around 5 yesterday, waiting for plans to come together and if not, head off to the show. I woke up at 1 am, and went back to sleep. I could barely get up at 10 this morning. I slept for over 14 hours and I didn't need it. I've been taking iron supplements for years and it's not helping now and I don't know why. Depression may have made me sleepy when I was younger but I have too much shit going on now to feel too bad and understand that going out and doing shit is worth it. I've been eating healthy, getting enough sleep and trying to throw in the odd bit of walking in the cold if I can't make it to the gym. It's nights like this that I want anything that will keep me up. It's hard knowing I have an addiction to being awake and having energy, that I would do lines if it meant I could go to work and not just think about how soon I can go home to bed, I don't want to party or dance all night, I want to fucking have enough energy to make it through a sedentary day at work.
On the plus side, I definitely got tickets to see justice in march, trash talk is playing in march, maybe I'll make myself go to earth crisis (more to see down to nothing and be in richmond) in march.