I Put On A Mask
I Put On A Mask
Jessica L. Farley
I want to love you.
I want to give you as much of myself as I possibly could. I want to shower you with kisses and listen to your voice. I want to wrap my arms around you and feel secure, loved, protected, admired. . .
But I just can't do it.
Some may ask why not, and so I ask myself - why not? Why don't I have the right to love? Or feel loved?
Though those questions cloud my head, I seem to know the answer so well. Yet, it is one I wish I did not.
It is fear.
Fear is holding me back and not letting me love you or get close to you in the way I want.
I am afraid.
I am afraid that if I give you my heart, you will stomp on it. I am afraid that if I give you my innocence, you will turn it into guilt. I am afraid that if I show you laughter, you will bring me tears. I am afraid that if I let you inside, you will break me and not fix around to fix me.
And, because of this, I close the door to love.
I close the door to you.
I put on a mask, not only to hide my face, but also my heart. To keep me from being hurt when you decide to betray me or walk away. To not let you get to me and put a dent in my heart that could never be fixed.
I live in my insecurities because I frown at the person who loses at the chance to love, but still I realize, I am frowning at myself.
©2002 My Sisters' Voice: Teenage Girls of Color Speak Out - Iris Jacob