Just some stuff

[mdrf_prax]

So much in my head to say.. I don't think anyone cares about my angst.  Usually I just keep it all in, try to let it go.. I'm feeling like I should release my angst into the universe now for no real reason.

• still out from work - I missed my psych appointment on Friday because I was puking my guts out.  I can't go back to work until a psych says I'm cleared.  I'm not even sure they'll clear me until I'm medicated.  That means that there is the potential for about 4 more weeks off work.  You would think this would be good, but no, because this is all unpaid leave.
• money - I'm so glad that mdrf_lumpy is working now because all of my vacation time and such is used up.  August bills are due, and we're now living on his paycheck.  I just realized that faire is approaching fast and I don't know how we're going to afford fairevers or gas to get there.
• faire - Sweet merciful crap, it's almost here.  We have to get down to the wolfstone/potomac booths for cleaning in like, a week?  Two weeks?  Time is really flying by and I have so many appointments to keep track of right now.  I can't even figure out what day of the week it is most of the time.

Aside from the day to day goings on, I've been really racking my brain about my "situation."  I guess I'm calling it that since part of the racking is me trying to figure out and accept my mental status.  See, there I go again... all the therapists and psychiatrists use the word "illness" or "disease" but even though I've lived this way for my whole life, I've never felt like I was sick.  I havn't figured out the root of those thoughts yet, but there they are.  It's blaringly obvious to me right now that I am indeed sick.  I am in need of medical attention and medication.  I have a disease that can kill me (in a round-about sort of way, but you know what I mean, yea?).  I'm just pissed off right now.  Pissed off that I can't manage anything.  I can't remember things, can't always motivate myself to do things as simple as shower every day, and mustering the energy to call or visit any of my doctors is nigh impossible (and I really just have to force myself to do it).  I was really optimistic when this started a few weeks ago.. I felt like I was getting help... but this week has just been full of crying and hopelessness.
There's this quote from Dick Cavett's blog that I read on one of my support forums that I can really relate to right now...   "..when you’re downed by this affliction, if there were a curative magic wand on the table eight feet away, it would be too much trouble to go over and pick it up"

So, that's where I am right now.  Who knows where I'm going next.