RUNNING DIARY: THE REFIGERATOR!!
0:03 - I expect this movie to be nothing short of an epic, especially after seeing stuff like Full Metal Jacket and 300 in recent days.
0:45 - The camera work in this movie leaves something to be desired.
2:05 - Ron Jeremy falls asleep during sex? Give me a break.
2:37 - What is this woman trying to accomplish exactly?
3:00 - What the fuck did I get myself into?
3:58 - All production assistants should nickname themselves "Daddy".
4:15 - Salsa music in a horror movie is always appreciated.
4:45 - Seriously, if I was a production assistant, it'd be awesome. Psycho "Daddy" Penguin. It has potential.
5:00 - I need a snack and a sugar free non alcoholic beverage to get through this one, I'm guessing.
5:28 - If my boss was fat and said "You're fired. Ha. Just kidding".. let me just say there'd be an RKO in his future.
6:19 - A woman picks up some melons in front of her chest and her mom says "Let me feel your melons". The humor in this one is astounding. I wasn't expecting to laugh so hard until the first death.
8:03 - More proof my mom or her dog wrote this epic: "Where is this apartment?" 'Avenue D". "D as in Dog?" "D AS IN DIABLO! HAHAHA!" *more evil salsa music*
8:52 - "What we want to do is not easy." What, enjoy this movie?
9:32 - I'm not pausing this movie to type out what just happened, so I'm sorry if I missed any plot points in the movie about a killer refigerator.
10:27 - Why is everyone so obsessed over this fridge? It looks like my grandpa's. When he was 9.
12:00 - "How about 200 dollars a month?" "WHY NOT!" "HAHAHA, why not" *refrigerator door opens* "Sure, why not?" Very subtle movie.
12:45 - "The appliances may be old, but they have a lot of character." Chris Benoit had several, and that turned out well.
13:18 - The movie is now entering unintentional comedy. A man and a woman have a conversation. LETS PLAY A GAME: GUESS WHO THE WOMAN IS. "Eileen." "How do you know my name?" "Don't move in the apartment." "What's that supposed to mean?" Truly the Ninja Gaiden of "guess the quote" games.
15:01 - The woman character wants to be an actress. Hope the character's career turns out better than the person playing her.
15:45 - I always drink when taking a piss. And I always make that pissing sound so common in movies.
17:00 - It'd be awesome if the woman said "Oh, THAT'S what she meant."
17:35 - Jesus christ, an old tiny guy and an ugly woman just appeared in his refrigerator and started talking to him.
17:58 - The male character is now regretting that purchase of LSD.
18:35 - They are giving him things he is in the mood for that he did not buy. This is a horror movie, right?
19:00 - I want waffles now.
19:35 - TWO women secretaries. One to figure out what's ringing and the other to answer it, I'm sure.
20:12 - TV Commercial: "And the emmy award goes to.." NO ONE IN THIS MOVIE!
21:10 - The refrigerator magically brings out some ice cream for the fat bitch that doesn't need it, so she starts marking out like me after watching a good movie like Primal Fear. When she goes to reach it, the refrigerator door slams on her hand.
21:15 - No, I'm not high.
21:20 - Yet.
22:10 - If a bitch called me at work with the story I just described.. well, there'd be another RKO in this movie.
23:48 - Oh god, she wants to be a broadway actress. Just what this movie needs.. singing.
26:17 - She's singing. Fuck you, movie, that was a JOKE.
26:45 - DEAR GOD. Where the fuck is Chris Benoit when you need him?
26:50 - Yes, I know where he is. I like their Grand Slam breakfasts.
27:15 - The tea pot is steaming, even though she has to leave and therefore should not be making tea, and she breaks down crying on her knees for some reason. Then, the refrigerator door opens behind her. Of course.
27:32 - Still not high.
27:51 - RANDOM FLASHBACK. WOMAN TRIES TO KILL HERSELF. Finally, some intrigue.
29:00 - A horror movie with no deaths so far. I guess it's a different kind of horror. Like "The actors in this movie were paid."
29:28 - A restaurant called "The Dog House" is the hottest place in town? Where do they live, Pluto?
30:17 - This woman's face sums up my feelings so far.
30:58 - Good sign your marriage is working: You say "kids" and her face lights up like above.
31:11 - People with tattoos in bad movies are always evil.
32:32 - Bitch needs some midol.
32:48 - Using an expensive cheese on a mouse trap is a good idea.
33:25 - He just beat the pillow next to her. Getting closer.
33:45 - HE JUST STEPPED ON THE FUCKING MOUSE TRAP.
33:58 - Wait, isn't this movie supposed to be about a killer refrigerator?
35:00 - Plot summary so far: Annoying woman actress is a bitch to husband.
35:35 - If my refrigerator had laughing unborn fetuses in it, I'd consider a move.
36:00 - Dear fuck, 52 more minutes.
36:17 - After I remove the hammer from my head, I'm going to consider important things I could do in 52 minutes.
36:35 - I think I could have sex with Velvet Sky in 52 minutes.
36:58 - 10 times.
37:10 - Yellow silverware and dinnerware.. how cute.
40:00 - No one's dead yet. Except my brain cells.
40:38 - I'm yearning for the realism of the 1000 foot rhinos in 300.
41:38 - Sign #345 this movie is a tad old: Donahue jokes.
42:17 - The most unrealistic thing yet: Two Mexicans in a house alone with a white woman. Nothing stolen or raped.
44:04 - Refrigerator's about to get its freak on.
46:15 -
47:45 - The Refrigerator: The Musical!
48:00 - Sorry if my trying is getting less and less frequent. I'm losing my mind here.
49:17 - The refrigerator is now crying like the unborn baby fetus it had in it before.
49:50 - I think a cat just farted on her. And she deserved it after asking the cat where it was twice. ONCE IN SPANISH. Yeah, that will do it.
50:21 - Velvet Sky is hot.
50:55 - I think this movie just jumped the shark. Or it really wants to.
51:38 - They're just about to have sex and the cops barge in. This is the greatest couple ever.
53:38 - I could probably get past 3-2 of Ninja Gaiden II NES in 52 minutes.
54:10 - TOTALLY HORRIFIC SEX SCENE. Glad they included that one.
55:03 - Guy sees blood and says "Damn thing's leaking". Refrigerator or her?
55:35 - I want eggs now. Maybe I'll cook some. Maybe I'll leave the movie running.
55:58 - Nah, I can torture myself for half an hour more.
57:13 - I really need a percocet.
57:42 - This guy REALLY wants kids.
58:15 - Steven Baterman. Heh. He can be Master Baterman.
59:43 - I think this is my first and only running diary here. Too much pain physically and mentally.
1:00:00 - Her mother just showed up. Who knows.
1:02:31 - I like turtles.
1:03:21 - Her mother sounds like a chipmunk.
1:04:00 - I guess these flashbacks she's heaving are of her mother trying to kill herself while she holds the knife back and screams MOMMY NO. I think all these storylines are going to connect somehow.
1:04:38 - This mexican plumber guy is making Cena jealous of how gay he is.
1:05:20 - The refrigerator is now talking.
1:05:31 - No. Still not high.
1:06:21 -
1:06:50 - "Your refrigerator is a gateway to hell, it's controlled by the devil and is evil. I meant to tell you sooner." Yeah, it's ok, man, I'm sure you had much more important things to tell me.
1:09:00 - "Steve, who are you?" "I'M RICK JAMES, BITCH!!"
1:10:17 - Her mother is now a zombie demon on the road to hell.
1:10:37 - Oh, that was her dream. Interesting dream.
1:11:03 - You know who's in my dreams? Velvet Sky.
1:11:37 - And this goddamn movie ending, too.
1:12:16 - I believe a plunger and mouse traps will beat any gateway to hell refrigerator that is controlled by the devil. I also believe Super Mario 64 sucks.
1:13:08 - She puts it on defrost and EVIL SCARY SOUND then a hand pops out. XD
1:14:15 - She calls the plumber guy who immediately runs in, and he sees a carrot XD
1:14:37 - "Shit." I agree, husband. I agree.
1:15:02 - How did he get her a prescription for Valium like that?
1:15:09 - Because I want some.
1:16:13 - How can a wife who doesn't work kick a husband who works out of the house? How does this work?
1:16:38 - "I'd rather be alone than with a jerk like you". Cold.
1:18:45 - I give up. I don't even know any more.
1:19:20 - He just tried to throw her into the portal of hell that ooened from their refrigerator and she stabbed him in the back as he sobs I'M.. YOUR.. HUSBAND..
1:19:37 - Still not high.
1:21:11 - He just got sucked into the refrigerator, then this happens.
1:21:38 -
1:23:00 - ALL THE APPLIANCES ARE GOING CRAZY!!!
1:23:22 - KILLER BLENDER ON THE LOOSE!!!
1:23:39 - I guess they saved the best for last.
1:24:37 - The gay plumber and woman aspiring actress become broadway sensations together. Of course they do.
1:24:51 - Oh yeah, spoilers.
1:25:10 - THE END. Finally.
Moral of the story - Don't do drugs. Now if you excuse me, it's percocet time.