My Four Sins
Bless me Readers for I have sinned. It has been well over two months since my last confession. I have committed the following sins:
Pride- Today I am guilty of pride. I finally found out about my placement for this season of the Bristol Renaissance Faire. I've been asked to be a part of a stage show to take place in the Kids Kingdom called "The Devil and The Bakers Wife". It's apparently going to be quite the show and signals the return of big stage performances to KK. It's also my first paid acting gig so that's also a big excitement. For those of you on cast I will be on the streets as the Baker either in KK or Street depending on how things work out from here. It looks like the casts will be sharing me. I'll admit it, this post was mostly about that announcement.
This is to go with my Pride in being a part of the show "The Good Woman of Setzuan" which will go up in late April. Rehearsals just started so we're still in the early stages but I will say there are a lot of surprises in store for myself and audiences. It's an ambitious vision which we are going to try to realise but I think if we can get it right it'll be well worth the amount of getting over ourselves we're going to have to do.
Coveting- Oh man. So When it comes to wanting I have been desirous of a girlfriend for so long It's wearing on even my patience and has been for a few months. I used to think I could put up with anything. Apparently I cannot do it indefinitely. If there's a light at the end of the tunnel I can do it. As of right now there is no light. What Follows is from a message I sent to a friend a couple days ago which became a novella. To save time I have reproduced it here with some omissions and some addenda. Names have been omitted which I should have done before, I know.
It's been almost a full five years since my last romantic relationship and in the interim I've been rejected more times than I care to count or admit to. For some reason it's been weighing on me more heavily of late. For the sake of clarity here is a time line so you can get the whole picture.
The summer following my freshman year at Beloit I started working Bristol. It is there That I met [girl 1]. I thought of her as a gorgeous and high spirited friend with whom I enjoyed spending time.
I met [girl 2] three years ago in my sophomore year. I thought she was pretty and fun but out of my league so I thought little more of her except as a friend.
As of late July this year I took a liking to [girl 1]. We had always had a good relationship but upon going to a concert together I felt that little spark of connection. That same weekend we had our rain day. She asked me if I'd like to be her "date" to breakfast. I said yes and thought it to be a good sign of interest albeit not a definite confirmation of mutual attraction. We started talking more often after the season ended. at least 4-6 times a week we would have a conversation on the phone or at least exchange e-mails or IMs. Several encouraging moves on her part continued to bolster my confidence that we may have a mutual attraction. I was fairly convinced that [girl 1] and I had an unspoken understanding and that we would be dating as soon as distance were less of a problem.
Now flash back to [girl 2]. It's late October and ever since the start of the semester we had been hanging out a lot more and become quite close friends. I was having a conversation with her regarding romantic troubles she was having at the time and I assured her that she was beautiful and desirable. I told her that I had crushed on her myself. It was at this point that something unexpected happened. She reciprocated. She said that she had a crush on me but knew that I was in a situation with a girl and didn't want to screw that up. I thanked her for her tact and that was that. Though I did wish a little that I hadn't invested myself so deeply in a long distance relationship when a close one was right there but I was more than happy with [girl 1] and considered myself lucky to be involved with her, odd though our relationship was.
After months of trying to read these signals, in December, I finally asked <[girl 1] about whether our relationship might be more than just friendship. She said she hadn't thought about it that way and would have to think about it. I told her I understood, we had a brief conversation about the whole thing and then never mentioned it again. She never has said anything more to me on the matter even though the talking never stopped. After a few weeks I got the message.
Upon returning from Winter break [girl 2] had a visitor. She had been edging away from the advances of a really nice guy for a while now and at one point had agreed to date him as an alternative to his marriage proposal. Over the break they had renewed their relationship and on his visit he gave her a "promise ring". I wasn't aware people did that after eighth grade but that is beside the point. Long story short by the time I was sure I wasn't going to get an answer from [girl 1], [girl 2] was taken which sucked because I had placed a bit of my now broken hope in the desire to date her. I dropped the matter and buried everything so it didn't bother me.
Then [girl 2] and her boyfriend (or whatever) broke up a few weeks ago and renewed my now heavily battered hope that maybe I had a shot with the only woman to show an interest in me since 2006 and certainly the only viable prospect since I had broken up with Jennifer in the summer of 2003. It was pretty clear that she was not in a place to think about dating and I was fine with that. I tried to be there to support her as much as I could though.
Mid February had me in Milwaukee for a birthday party (Molly's) and a presentation on character development for Molly's writing group. This meant I spent a large part of the day with [girl 1] We were just as close as ever and her continued nearness and gestures of regard renewed my hope that there might be potential there. I finally got my answer though when someone who thought I hadn't noticed made a gesture to inquire whether or not we were together and she shook her head negative also thinking I had not noticed. Not the way I would like to have been answered but at least I had my answer.
Two weekends ago after a party I walked an inebriated [girl 2] home. In the foyer of her house we hugged goodnight and for whatever reason it was a long and firm hug which became several long firm hugs. Then, most surprising, she kissed me. I feel bad but I couldn't help getting into it. After a long kiss she aplogised and said she shouldn't have done that. I assured her it was fine and that I was flattered not upset. After assuring her that I was fine We parted ways and I thought things had turned up nicely after all.
The next morning I woke up to a message saying that she was sorry, she shouldn't have kissed me, she knew I had a girl and that she hoped we could still be friends. I replied that really it was fine, I didn't have a girl and I knew that being inebriated at the time I shouldn't hold her to any kind of statement of intent on the kiss. Admittedly, I hoped that I might still have a chance with her once she figured things out post breakup.
Now things have all gone to shit. [girl 2] has pretty much said that she's not interested in anything serious, I responded that neither was I and the I'd like to try for something casual and short term to benefit us both since she needs support and I need companionship. She laughed it off. She may not know I meant it.
A few nights ago I found out that she and another of my friends have decided that since she has overbooked herself on dates to their sorority formal I should go as the second date of our mutual friend. I don't know if I can explain why that upset me so much, I know it should not. Somehow it hurt me really deeply to have that happen. What was important to me was not going to their formal, it was going to their formal with [girl 2]. She had told me about taking others like her girl friend with whom she always goes. To be shunted off like that was deeply hurtful, though. Then to find out that its because she is taking four other people and I was the one she felt okay jettisoning hurt me even more. I know she meant well and was trying to be tactful because she wanted me to be able to go but had too many people attached to her already. I'm kinda touched that they wanted me to go enough that our mutual friend would take me as a second date to ensure I could come. At the same time I am deeply hurt that I would be the one she's willing to shunt off. Like my desire to come was purely based on being a friend of the sorority. Probably because it means that once again I've assumed potential where there is none, set myself up for hurt and then allowed it to cut me right to the quick.
This is why each time it is harder and harder for me to just ask someone out and why each time I let myself get more and more invested, more and more convinced before I ask. That is how I get myself destroyed utterly. The worst part is I'm starting to lose hope. In the last five years I haven't managed to even get someone to go on a date with me.Anyway, yeah, So my girl situation pretty much sucks. I feel awful and hurt right now and there's nothing to be done for it. I've told [girl 2] how I feel and it has been less than helpful as I only feel worse for having made her feel bad about it when I know she was trying to protect my feelings.
Greed- Somehow I've managed to make myself very poor. It will take me a long time to dig out of this hole. So just so everyone knows, for the next few months I I'm not cheap I'm broke.
Wrath- My final sin is an apology. To everyone who may have been affected by my low spirits I apologise. For some reason this romantic situation has been causing me a lot of emotional distress to which I am not accustomed and, as such, do not have defenses, immunities, and experience to deal with it.
I've found solace in Mr. Rogers. I don't know why but somehow watching tributes to him and clips from the show have brightened my day and reminded me of a few important things. Even now Mr. Rodgers will always tell me he loves me just the way I am.
Pride- Today I am guilty of pride. I finally found out about my placement for this season of the Bristol Renaissance Faire. I've been asked to be a part of a stage show to take place in the Kids Kingdom called "The Devil and The Bakers Wife". It's apparently going to be quite the show and signals the return of big stage performances to KK. It's also my first paid acting gig so that's also a big excitement. For those of you on cast I will be on the streets as the Baker either in KK or Street depending on how things work out from here. It looks like the casts will be sharing me. I'll admit it, this post was mostly about that announcement.
This is to go with my Pride in being a part of the show "The Good Woman of Setzuan" which will go up in late April. Rehearsals just started so we're still in the early stages but I will say there are a lot of surprises in store for myself and audiences. It's an ambitious vision which we are going to try to realise but I think if we can get it right it'll be well worth the amount of getting over ourselves we're going to have to do.
Coveting- Oh man. So When it comes to wanting I have been desirous of a girlfriend for so long It's wearing on even my patience and has been for a few months. I used to think I could put up with anything. Apparently I cannot do it indefinitely. If there's a light at the end of the tunnel I can do it. As of right now there is no light. What Follows is from a message I sent to a friend a couple days ago which became a novella. To save time I have reproduced it here with some omissions and some addenda. Names have been omitted which I should have done before, I know.
It's been almost a full five years since my last romantic relationship and in the interim I've been rejected more times than I care to count or admit to. For some reason it's been weighing on me more heavily of late. For the sake of clarity here is a time line so you can get the whole picture.
The summer following my freshman year at Beloit I started working Bristol. It is there That I met [girl 1]. I thought of her as a gorgeous and high spirited friend with whom I enjoyed spending time.
I met [girl 2] three years ago in my sophomore year. I thought she was pretty and fun but out of my league so I thought little more of her except as a friend.
As of late July this year I took a liking to [girl 1]. We had always had a good relationship but upon going to a concert together I felt that little spark of connection. That same weekend we had our rain day. She asked me if I'd like to be her "date" to breakfast. I said yes and thought it to be a good sign of interest albeit not a definite confirmation of mutual attraction. We started talking more often after the season ended. at least 4-6 times a week we would have a conversation on the phone or at least exchange e-mails or IMs. Several encouraging moves on her part continued to bolster my confidence that we may have a mutual attraction. I was fairly convinced that [girl 1] and I had an unspoken understanding and that we would be dating as soon as distance were less of a problem.
Now flash back to [girl 2]. It's late October and ever since the start of the semester we had been hanging out a lot more and become quite close friends. I was having a conversation with her regarding romantic troubles she was having at the time and I assured her that she was beautiful and desirable. I told her that I had crushed on her myself. It was at this point that something unexpected happened. She reciprocated. She said that she had a crush on me but knew that I was in a situation with a girl and didn't want to screw that up. I thanked her for her tact and that was that. Though I did wish a little that I hadn't invested myself so deeply in a long distance relationship when a close one was right there but I was more than happy with [girl 1] and considered myself lucky to be involved with her, odd though our relationship was.
After months of trying to read these signals, in December, I finally asked <[girl 1] about whether our relationship might be more than just friendship. She said she hadn't thought about it that way and would have to think about it. I told her I understood, we had a brief conversation about the whole thing and then never mentioned it again. She never has said anything more to me on the matter even though the talking never stopped. After a few weeks I got the message.
Upon returning from Winter break [girl 2] had a visitor. She had been edging away from the advances of a really nice guy for a while now and at one point had agreed to date him as an alternative to his marriage proposal. Over the break they had renewed their relationship and on his visit he gave her a "promise ring". I wasn't aware people did that after eighth grade but that is beside the point. Long story short by the time I was sure I wasn't going to get an answer from [girl 1], [girl 2] was taken which sucked because I had placed a bit of my now broken hope in the desire to date her. I dropped the matter and buried everything so it didn't bother me.
Then [girl 2] and her boyfriend (or whatever) broke up a few weeks ago and renewed my now heavily battered hope that maybe I had a shot with the only woman to show an interest in me since 2006 and certainly the only viable prospect since I had broken up with Jennifer in the summer of 2003. It was pretty clear that she was not in a place to think about dating and I was fine with that. I tried to be there to support her as much as I could though.
Mid February had me in Milwaukee for a birthday party (Molly's) and a presentation on character development for Molly's writing group. This meant I spent a large part of the day with [girl 1] We were just as close as ever and her continued nearness and gestures of regard renewed my hope that there might be potential there. I finally got my answer though when someone who thought I hadn't noticed made a gesture to inquire whether or not we were together and she shook her head negative also thinking I had not noticed. Not the way I would like to have been answered but at least I had my answer.
Two weekends ago after a party I walked an inebriated [girl 2] home. In the foyer of her house we hugged goodnight and for whatever reason it was a long and firm hug which became several long firm hugs. Then, most surprising, she kissed me. I feel bad but I couldn't help getting into it. After a long kiss she aplogised and said she shouldn't have done that. I assured her it was fine and that I was flattered not upset. After assuring her that I was fine We parted ways and I thought things had turned up nicely after all.
The next morning I woke up to a message saying that she was sorry, she shouldn't have kissed me, she knew I had a girl and that she hoped we could still be friends. I replied that really it was fine, I didn't have a girl and I knew that being inebriated at the time I shouldn't hold her to any kind of statement of intent on the kiss. Admittedly, I hoped that I might still have a chance with her once she figured things out post breakup.
Now things have all gone to shit. [girl 2] has pretty much said that she's not interested in anything serious, I responded that neither was I and the I'd like to try for something casual and short term to benefit us both since she needs support and I need companionship. She laughed it off. She may not know I meant it.
A few nights ago I found out that she and another of my friends have decided that since she has overbooked herself on dates to their sorority formal I should go as the second date of our mutual friend. I don't know if I can explain why that upset me so much, I know it should not. Somehow it hurt me really deeply to have that happen. What was important to me was not going to their formal, it was going to their formal with [girl 2]. She had told me about taking others like her girl friend with whom she always goes. To be shunted off like that was deeply hurtful, though. Then to find out that its because she is taking four other people and I was the one she felt okay jettisoning hurt me even more. I know she meant well and was trying to be tactful because she wanted me to be able to go but had too many people attached to her already. I'm kinda touched that they wanted me to go enough that our mutual friend would take me as a second date to ensure I could come. At the same time I am deeply hurt that I would be the one she's willing to shunt off. Like my desire to come was purely based on being a friend of the sorority. Probably because it means that once again I've assumed potential where there is none, set myself up for hurt and then allowed it to cut me right to the quick.
This is why each time it is harder and harder for me to just ask someone out and why each time I let myself get more and more invested, more and more convinced before I ask. That is how I get myself destroyed utterly. The worst part is I'm starting to lose hope. In the last five years I haven't managed to even get someone to go on a date with me.Anyway, yeah, So my girl situation pretty much sucks. I feel awful and hurt right now and there's nothing to be done for it. I've told [girl 2] how I feel and it has been less than helpful as I only feel worse for having made her feel bad about it when I know she was trying to protect my feelings.
Greed- Somehow I've managed to make myself very poor. It will take me a long time to dig out of this hole. So just so everyone knows, for the next few months I I'm not cheap I'm broke.
Wrath- My final sin is an apology. To everyone who may have been affected by my low spirits I apologise. For some reason this romantic situation has been causing me a lot of emotional distress to which I am not accustomed and, as such, do not have defenses, immunities, and experience to deal with it.
I've found solace in Mr. Rogers. I don't know why but somehow watching tributes to him and clips from the show have brightened my day and reminded me of a few important things. Even now Mr. Rodgers will always tell me he loves me just the way I am.