Long Post on Drugs
(+1:10)
I forgot how much of the drug experience is the feedback between a person and his/her perception of the drug itself.
Whether it's your first or 100th experience, it's impossible to separate a person from his/her impression of what the drug is doing to them: is this the drug? Is this me? Is this the drug facilitating a "natural" process?
B told me the other day that he was staying away from drugs for a certain amount of time, given that he was awe-struck (?) by the magnitude (and PERMANENCE) of his inspirations. I wonder whether this is:
Oh man, I *did* not know that Mad World was originally written by Tears for Fears...
(+1:30)
Wow, these things really are super-smooth. Might need to up the dosage, but I'm loving it. It's extremely laid back.
As a reflex, I put on some music. I'm surprised by how certain artists evoke past friendships and relationships. I listen to Télépopmusik, and I listen to L, I listen to The Vines, and I think of Lz (though Reptilia will always do it for me.) Or Swollen Members, and M! Or Sugarland, and N.
My first reflex was to think: "Hmmm... are friendships as ephemereal to me as playlists?" Which is a ridiculously emo thing to think, not to mention a metaphor dripping in self-pity :P These are things that have taken place over a decade and some of my life. I wonder what the expectation is nowadays on friendships, and their durability? I remember for a while, there was this strong strong notion of "the best friends"... but I think that this idea is at odds with a way a lot of us perceive certain friendships, especially in groups. There's a kind of... ritual. A kind of dynamic that comes into play with certain groups of friends that really helps along the definition of friend. Throw in a heaping of group activities, and then a pinch of intimate conversations throughout the night and *BAM*, you gots ya friendship. The thing is that I think these group dynamics are very fragile, and seldom survive for long. I remember talking to R. about group activities, and she seemed to strongly identify this with good friendships: the sense of belonging that transcends "t'es dans la gang". It's... a group identity!!!
(+2:00)
Still a very smooth high.
I wonder if there's a need for me to re-examine my definition of (or that value I give to) The Renaissance Man. I've long interpreted it in terms of being interested in many different things. Maker culture, law, management, sci-fi, programming, philosophy, history, anime, languages, math, politics... But I think that that might be a bit misguided. It's a bit... self-righteous! It's taking something natural (i.e. my real interest in lots of things!) and pretending that it has a value (i.e. I am a better person for being interested in lots of things.) Laid out like that, it's fairly... elitist!!! That's not the right word.. but this belief that some element of value is natural, and therefore some people are naturally *better* than others. I don't know how I feel about that. It strikes me as inherently wrong... Is the word inegalitarian? That seems like such an unwieldy word.
But if value should be anchored in effort, then it's not enough to be interested in many things. It's a question of doing something about it. Hence, maybe, the need for projects! If all a priori value is to be discarded, then the only thing you have left is effort...
Damn! I should use this misguided self-reflection to reconcile my libertarian politics with my utilitarian moral leanings!! Brain + drugs, DO IT FOR GREAT JUSTICE
(+2:15)
Englishman in New York is really not helped by its chorus. It's already got enough going on during the verses... and it makes the abridged second verse stand out even more. The transition to the swingy part is still one of my favourite transitions. And the abrupt drumbreak leading back to the 3rd verse is among my least favourite :(
hmmm...maybe people shouldn't take my musical musings too seriously... I have just rediscovered a good 6GB in Ska and another 3GB in Happy Hardcore on my hard drive...
(+2:30)
I think there's something else lying hidden behind my interests, though. I think I've started realizing that I won't be able to be and do all the things I'd like to. I think trying to follow and read all the things I do was a kind of superficial cure for a subconscious problem: if I believe that interest is a value, then I can extend that sense of accomplishment by reading more about all kinds of things. When, in fact, it's a state of denial (I wanted to write denialism. Is this extension of English words to fit context as common as I feel it is?)
It's living in a state of denial because it feeds and nurtures these unhealthy fixations by pretending I can do all of these things. And it's immature, because it speaks of an unwillingness to face the very real and difficult choices of where to spend my time and energy. These are finite resources at a fixed time (i.e. what do I do right now with my attention?) and in general (i.e. what do I want to do with my life?)
(+2:45)
I'm not clenching my teeth as much as I usually do, but I feel a kind of background of nervous energy. But very much under control. Skank for a song or two, throw away old sneakers, do laundry, p'is c'est tout. Reminds me of the stuff I was on when I took a lot of mush and a lot of E in my basement. There's this unreal sense of being able to toggle my proprioception (FUCK YOU AUTOCORRECT THAT IS A WORD) on and off. To just go on writing and thinking, and then to just stop and experience what's going on in me. Feeling my heart beat, feeling sounds reach my ears, feeling my tense muscles...
I'm remembering how self-important we all used to feel when dropping. About how we felt, and how it made us feel. There is really this ritualistic component to it: it is time taken to introspect, and to talk about introspection. Maybe that's the crowd I hung with, but it's an inescapable element to how I remember these trips. It's an amazingly powerful experience because of what the drug itself does, but also because it gives people a reason and a focal point for discussing what they're feeling, what might be underwriting their thoughts. This clearly only applies in a recreational context. If it becomes an addiction or a fixation, this sense of ritual takes on different and darker shades.
The arrhythmic call and response at the end of The Police's There's a Hole in My Life really pisses me off! I can understand its symbolism but shiiiiiyit.
(+3:00)
Shower felt superb. I had chills down my back as the water hit. But not as much of a body buzz as I would expect. Maybe half a pill contributes more mentally than physically... we'll see. But I'm loving the whole sensation. No stress, no worries, just (relatively) cogent thoughts that are lining up patiently to be considered. As someone who has a natural propensity towards stimulants and the kind of overgroundedness that often stymies self-awareness, I find this kind of slow(er) self-reflection a very enjoyable experience. Now let's see, next time, if a full pill will just have me drooling over the pretty flowers, and how soft their petals are. FUCK YEAH
And I need to do Yoga. Fuck yeah. Need to set aside a clear block every week that is just unbendable. A covenant that cannot be broken. But let's hold off on that for a bit...
(+4:30)
Shitty buzz. Don't know if it's because of the drugs or emotional reflection, but I feel very tense. Things feel methy. Clenched jaw, nervous energy. inability to concentrate. We'll see how the comedown goes.
I forgot how much of the drug experience is the feedback between a person and his/her perception of the drug itself.
Whether it's your first or 100th experience, it's impossible to separate a person from his/her impression of what the drug is doing to them: is this the drug? Is this me? Is this the drug facilitating a "natural" process?
B told me the other day that he was staying away from drugs for a certain amount of time, given that he was awe-struck (?) by the magnitude (and PERMANENCE) of his inspirations. I wonder whether this is:
- A fear of knowing too much too quickly - of becoming conscious of all the internally-oriented games one plays to keep safe. Like a Total Perspective Vortex, but applied to multiple parts of one's identity. It's not just how infintessimally unimportant we may be in the Grand Scheme of Things, but all the relative games related to one's values and self-perception. Or
- A fear of an alien (read: external) force. That the magnitude of such discoveries speaks of their external source. You're not the one reaching towards your own enlightenment: something is doing it for you, guiding you in a way that is outside your control.
Oh man, I *did* not know that Mad World was originally written by Tears for Fears...
(+1:30)
Wow, these things really are super-smooth. Might need to up the dosage, but I'm loving it. It's extremely laid back.
As a reflex, I put on some music. I'm surprised by how certain artists evoke past friendships and relationships. I listen to Télépopmusik, and I listen to L, I listen to The Vines, and I think of Lz (though Reptilia will always do it for me.) Or Swollen Members, and M! Or Sugarland, and N.
My first reflex was to think: "Hmmm... are friendships as ephemereal to me as playlists?" Which is a ridiculously emo thing to think, not to mention a metaphor dripping in self-pity :P These are things that have taken place over a decade and some of my life. I wonder what the expectation is nowadays on friendships, and their durability? I remember for a while, there was this strong strong notion of "the best friends"... but I think that this idea is at odds with a way a lot of us perceive certain friendships, especially in groups. There's a kind of... ritual. A kind of dynamic that comes into play with certain groups of friends that really helps along the definition of friend. Throw in a heaping of group activities, and then a pinch of intimate conversations throughout the night and *BAM*, you gots ya friendship. The thing is that I think these group dynamics are very fragile, and seldom survive for long. I remember talking to R. about group activities, and she seemed to strongly identify this with good friendships: the sense of belonging that transcends "t'es dans la gang". It's... a group identity!!!
(+2:00)
Still a very smooth high.
I wonder if there's a need for me to re-examine my definition of (or that value I give to) The Renaissance Man. I've long interpreted it in terms of being interested in many different things. Maker culture, law, management, sci-fi, programming, philosophy, history, anime, languages, math, politics... But I think that that might be a bit misguided. It's a bit... self-righteous! It's taking something natural (i.e. my real interest in lots of things!) and pretending that it has a value (i.e. I am a better person for being interested in lots of things.) Laid out like that, it's fairly... elitist!!! That's not the right word.. but this belief that some element of value is natural, and therefore some people are naturally *better* than others. I don't know how I feel about that. It strikes me as inherently wrong... Is the word inegalitarian? That seems like such an unwieldy word.
But if value should be anchored in effort, then it's not enough to be interested in many things. It's a question of doing something about it. Hence, maybe, the need for projects! If all a priori value is to be discarded, then the only thing you have left is effort...
Damn! I should use this misguided self-reflection to reconcile my libertarian politics with my utilitarian moral leanings!! Brain + drugs, DO IT FOR GREAT JUSTICE
(+2:15)
Englishman in New York is really not helped by its chorus. It's already got enough going on during the verses... and it makes the abridged second verse stand out even more. The transition to the swingy part is still one of my favourite transitions. And the abrupt drumbreak leading back to the 3rd verse is among my least favourite :(
hmmm...maybe people shouldn't take my musical musings too seriously... I have just rediscovered a good 6GB in Ska and another 3GB in Happy Hardcore on my hard drive...
(+2:30)
I think there's something else lying hidden behind my interests, though. I think I've started realizing that I won't be able to be and do all the things I'd like to. I think trying to follow and read all the things I do was a kind of superficial cure for a subconscious problem: if I believe that interest is a value, then I can extend that sense of accomplishment by reading more about all kinds of things. When, in fact, it's a state of denial (I wanted to write denialism. Is this extension of English words to fit context as common as I feel it is?)
It's living in a state of denial because it feeds and nurtures these unhealthy fixations by pretending I can do all of these things. And it's immature, because it speaks of an unwillingness to face the very real and difficult choices of where to spend my time and energy. These are finite resources at a fixed time (i.e. what do I do right now with my attention?) and in general (i.e. what do I want to do with my life?)
(+2:45)
I'm not clenching my teeth as much as I usually do, but I feel a kind of background of nervous energy. But very much under control. Skank for a song or two, throw away old sneakers, do laundry, p'is c'est tout. Reminds me of the stuff I was on when I took a lot of mush and a lot of E in my basement. There's this unreal sense of being able to toggle my proprioception (FUCK YOU AUTOCORRECT THAT IS A WORD) on and off. To just go on writing and thinking, and then to just stop and experience what's going on in me. Feeling my heart beat, feeling sounds reach my ears, feeling my tense muscles...
I'm remembering how self-important we all used to feel when dropping. About how we felt, and how it made us feel. There is really this ritualistic component to it: it is time taken to introspect, and to talk about introspection. Maybe that's the crowd I hung with, but it's an inescapable element to how I remember these trips. It's an amazingly powerful experience because of what the drug itself does, but also because it gives people a reason and a focal point for discussing what they're feeling, what might be underwriting their thoughts. This clearly only applies in a recreational context. If it becomes an addiction or a fixation, this sense of ritual takes on different and darker shades.
The arrhythmic call and response at the end of The Police's There's a Hole in My Life really pisses me off! I can understand its symbolism but shiiiiiyit.
(+3:00)
Shower felt superb. I had chills down my back as the water hit. But not as much of a body buzz as I would expect. Maybe half a pill contributes more mentally than physically... we'll see. But I'm loving the whole sensation. No stress, no worries, just (relatively) cogent thoughts that are lining up patiently to be considered. As someone who has a natural propensity towards stimulants and the kind of overgroundedness that often stymies self-awareness, I find this kind of slow(er) self-reflection a very enjoyable experience. Now let's see, next time, if a full pill will just have me drooling over the pretty flowers, and how soft their petals are. FUCK YEAH
And I need to do Yoga. Fuck yeah. Need to set aside a clear block every week that is just unbendable. A covenant that cannot be broken. But let's hold off on that for a bit...
(+4:30)
Shitty buzz. Don't know if it's because of the drugs or emotional reflection, but I feel very tense. Things feel methy. Clenched jaw, nervous energy. inability to concentrate. We'll see how the comedown goes.