FIC: Closer to the Heart - Chapter 10
Title: Closer to the Heart
Chapter 10: Get it Done
Rating: PG-13?
Warnings: If you’re not offended by the episode, you shouldn’t be offended by this fic.
Summary: Buffy struggles with finding the balance between power and humanity. Willow works on controlling her power as well.
A/N: I’ll be honest, this isn’t the most exciting chapter. Less deviation from the episode in this one, but the second scene and the last two scenes are especially meaningful to the arc of the fic.
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“They’re not all gonna make it.”
Buffy watched Kennedy lead the training exercises as she spoke to Principal Wood. The truth of her words weighed heavily on her mind.
“Some will die,” she continued sadly, “and nothing I can do will stop that.”
Willow came out onto the porch, carrying an armful of weapons for the potential Slayers to use for practice. She froze at the sight of the Principal.
“Oh, hi,” she mumbled awkwardly. “Hey.”
*Buffy, how much does he know?*
“It’s okay,” Buffy answered. “I filled him in on everything.”
“Oh, thank God.” Willow sighed in relief. “If I had to explain all these weapons, I had nothing.” She set the weapons down.
“Buffy tells me you’ve been, um - oh how shall I put it - experimenting,” said Wood. Willow’s eyes widened and she looked at Buffy. “With the magicks,” Wood added, understanding the glance.
“Oh!” Willow laughed nervously. “Yeah.”
*I actually told him about us too,* Buffy informed the witch.
“Oh, nothing too heavy though,” Willow qualified.
*Really?* Willow asked.
“Just the lighter, safer stuff.”
*Yeah,*Buffy thought back. *It was sort of an accident - and I asked him not to blab it around or anything - but yeah.*
“Well, uh, if Kennedy asks, the pointy stuff’s right here.” Willow gestured vaguely to the pile of weapons. “See you inside. So much cooler than Snyder,” she added quietly before going back into the house.
“She really almost destroyed the world?” Wood questioned.
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They’re not all gonna make it.
Buffy scooped dirt into the newly dug grave.
Some will die…
The gift of the Slayer.
...and nothing I can do will stop that.
A hand rested on the Slayer’s shoulder as she replaced the last of the dirt.
“Willow.” She melted at the touch.
“I’ve got you, Buffy,” the witch assured her, wrapping her arms around the Slayer and holding her close.
“I want it to stop,” Buffy pleaded shakily.
“I know,” Willow said soothingly. “I know.”
“I hate it,” said Buffy quietly. “I hate it all. I don’t wanna go back in there. I hate being - this.”
“It’s okay,” said Willow gently. “There’s nothing wrong with who you are. You’re the Slayer. And you’re Buffy. And both of those are you and it’s okay.”
“It doesn’t feel okay,” Buffy responded. “Both of them hate each other. Which would be fine if I was full-blown crazy and I could just be one at a time, but I can’t. I’m always both of them. I can’t make either one of them shut up no matter how hard I try to be just one.”
“I’m here for you, Buffy,” Willow offered consolingly. “Whatever you need.”
“My needs don’t mesh right now,” said Buffy darkly.
“You can tell me, Buffy,” Willow assured her. “You can tell me anything.”
“I need… Willow, I still need your love more than anything,” she prefaced.
“You have it,” the witch stated firmly. “I love you, Buffy. Everything that you are, I love.”
“You know that I love you too.” She took a deep breath and slowly released it. “But Willow, you have power. Real power.”
“I’m trying, Buffy,” Willow pledged.
“Try harder,” the Slayer insisted. “I know that you can control your power. You’re the strongest person I have ever known and you need to trust yourself. Your strength - is greater than the power.”
“I’m trying,” Willow repeated.
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“Is everyone here?” Buffy asked as she came in the door, carrying her shovel and followed closely by Willow.
“All accounted for,” said Kennedy with a sigh. She and Vi were seated next to each other, surrounded by several other potentials. Dawn and Anya were on the couch. Xander stood near the back of the room, as did Spike.
“Anyone wanna say a few words about Chloe?” Buffy waited silently, but no one replied. “Let me,” offered the Slayer as she began to pace. “Chloe was an idiot. Chloe was stupid. She was weak.”
Shocked faces greeted these harsh words.
“And anyone in a rush to be the next dead body I bury, it’s easy. Just - think of Chloe - and do what she did. And I’ll find room for you next to her and Annabelle.” Some of the potentials looked mutinous, but she paid them no heed. “I’m the Slayer. The one with the power. And The First has me using that power to dig our graves.” She threw down the shovel emphatically. “I’ve been carrying you - all of you - too far, too long. Ride’s over.”
“You’re out of line!” Kennedy stood as she challenged Buffy’s proclamation.
“No she’s not,” Willow insisted quietly from near the doorway.
Kennedy rounded on the witch.
“You’re gonna let her talk to you like that?” she demanded. “Willow, she’s not even the most powerful one in this room. With you here, she’s not close.”
“You’re new here,” Buffy told Kennedy coldly, “and you’re wrong. Because I use the power that I have.”
*I love you anyway,* she thought to Willow. *But still…*
“The rest of you are just waiting for me.”
“Well, yeah,” Xander acknowledged, “but only because you kinda told us to. You’re our leader, Buffy. As in ‘follow the.’”
“Well, from now on, I’m your leader as in ‘do what I say.’”
“Ja wohl,” Xander replied comically. “But let’s not try to forget, we’re also your friends.”
“I’m not,” Anya chimed in from the couch.
“Then why are you here?” Buffy asked the ex-demon. “Aside from getting rescued, what is it that you do?”
“I provide much-need…sarcasm.”
“Um,” Xander raised his hand, “that would kinda be my job actually.”
“You’re here because you’re scared,” Buffy clarified.
“Same goes for everyone in this room,” Xander defended.
“Fine,” Buffy allowed. “Anya - all of you - be as scared as you’d like, just be useful while you’re at it.”
“Buffy,” Willow said gently. “You know everyone here’s doing everything they can.”
“The First isn’t impressed,” Buffy responded without turning. “It already knows us. It knows what we can do and it’s laughing. You want to surprise the enemy? Surprise yourselves.” Finally, she met Willow’s eyes for a brief moment. “Force yourself to do what can’t be done,” slowly, she turned back to the potentials as she spoke, “or else we are not an army. We’re just a bunch of girls waiting to be picked off and buried.”
At this, Spike started toward the front door.
“Where are you going?” Buffy challenged.
“Out,” the vampire answered. “Since I’m neither a girl, nor waiting. All this speechifying doesn’t really apply to me, does it?” He walked away.
“Fine,” Buffy called after him. “Take a cell phone. That way, if I need someone to get weepy or whaled on, I can call you.”
Spike turned again to face the Slayer.
“If you’ve got something to say-”
“Just said it,” Buffy retorted. “You keep holding back, you might as well walk out that door.”
“Holding back?” said Spike, incensed. “You’re blind. I’ve been here, right in it - fighting, scrapping…”
“Since you got your soul back?” the Slayer questioned.
“Well, as a matter of fact, I haven’t quite been relishing the kill the way I used to.”
“You were a better fighter then,” said Buffy tonelessly.
“I did this for you,” ranted Spike. “The soul, the changes - it’s what you wanted.”
“What I want,” Buffy countered, “is the Spike that’s dangerous. The Spike that tried to kill me when we met.”
“Oh,” said Spike with an understated anger, “you don’t know how close you are to bringing him out.”
“I’m nowhere near him.” Buffy turned away from the vampire. “Dawn, get the potentials upstairs and break out that emergency kit.”
“What are you gonna do?” Dawn questioned.
“I’m declaring an emergency.” She walked out past Spike without acknowledging him.
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“But what does it mean?” Xander asked, staring at the shining, rectangular portal that had appeared.
“It means I have to go in there,” Buffy stated plainly.
“No it doesn’t!” Willow’s voice was high and panicked. “Where does it say that? It doesn’t say that!”
“Buffy, you don’t even know what you’re exchanging,” Principal Wood pointed out. “You don’t know if you’re ready yet.”
“That’s the point,” said Buffy, stepping forward.
“No,” Willow insisted, placing her hand on the Slayer’s shoulder. “Buffy, we don’t even know where you’re going or how we’ll get you back.”
“Buffy, you can’t,” Xander added.
“How will we get you back?” Willow asked softly.
Buffy looked directly into the witch’s eyes.
“Find a way.”
She turned and leapt into the portal. It glowed brightly, then closed and vanished.
“She’s gone,” said Willow flatly.
“Huh,” Xander supplemented.
“What was that about an exchange?” Anya reminded them.
As she said it, there was another flash of light. A large demon appeared, dark-colored, formidable, and growling ferociously.
“Ah,” said Xander, “this must be the exchange student.”
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“Are you injured?” Dawn said to Kennedy. The latter was sitting on the couch, staring at her own bloody hand.
“Just hurt,” Kennedy replied. “Don’t make a case out of it.” She turned to Xander and Willow. “How ‘bout you?”
“I think we’ll live,” Xander assured her.
“Except maybe Spike,” Anya supplied, staring at the large whole in the ceiling.
“Is getting thrown through the ceiling what he does best?” Kennedy questioned.
“I’ll go check on him,” Dawn offered with a sigh.
“We’ve got bigger problems than that,” Anya pointed out, unnecessarily.
“Yeah,” Wood agreed. “Demon loose, no Slayer.”
“We need Buffy.” Willow frowned under the weight of her anxiety.
“You gotta get her back,” Xander affirmed. “Looks like it’s spell’o’clock.
“Which spell?” Anya challenged. “I mean, didn’t you see that thing? And you expect to reopen the portal without sending Willow off the deep end?”
“Thanks for your support,” Willow complained.
“Well, it’s true,” Anya insisted. “We’re going to have to find another way.”
“There isn’t,” Willow shook her head in resignation, “and Buffy knew it. I’ve got to get her back.”
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“And this is gonna help us, how?” Kennedy inquired as Willow poured a circle of green sand on the floor.
“The sand forms a circle, the circle acts as a barrier, and the barrier contains the portal,” Dawn explained.
“Now what?” said Kennedy impatiently. “We hold hands and chant kumbaya or something?”
“Maybe.” Willow shrugged and passed the sand to Anya.
“I’m up for the hand holding,” said Vi, walking casually into the room. Kennedy turned and smiled at her encouragingly, wiggling her fingers.
“’Til we get the magicks up and running,” Willow qualified, “I’m kinda working on my best guess here.”
“Will, maybe we should wait,” said Xander.
“For what?” Kennedy countered, turning to Xander, causing Vi’s hand to miss hers.
“Spike - to see if he can bring back that demon,” Xander explained. Vi seemed to rethink her hand holding comment, standing awkwardly next to Kennedy.
“No,” Willow told Xander, “I don’t think we should wait right now. Opening a portal this size could take days.”
“Better get started,” said Kennedy, looking down at her companionless hand and frowning.
Willow stared at the circle of sand, nervously shifting her weight from foot to foot.
“I think I might pee my pants,” she decided.
“You can do it,” Kennedy assured her. “The magicks, not the pants thing.”
“Okay.” Willow steadied herself with a few deep breaths. She sat in the center of the circle and began chanting.
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“Via, concursus, tempus, spatium, audi me ut imperio,” Willow persisted. “Screw it! Mighty forces, I suck at Latin, okay? But that’s not the issue. I’m the one in charge and I’m telling you open up, portal, now!”
“It’s not happening, Will,” Xander cautioned.
“Give her time,” Kennedy defended, watching with slight fascination. “She’s getting it.”
“Or something’s getting her,” Xander argued. “Will, think you better back up a little.”
“No!” Willow’s hair turned dark as she thrust her arms back, sending magical energy toward both Anya and Kennedy. They froze in place, enveloped in a cold blue glow. Suspending them briefly in midair, Willow channeled their energy through herself and used it to finally open the portal.
Seeing that the job was done and taking note of Willow’s black hair, Xander pulled her out of the circle. She breathed deeply as her hair faded again to its natural shade.
“Kennedy!” Vi cried, kneeling at the brunette’s side and placing a hand on each shoulder. Kennedy gasped for breath, looking fearfully at Willow.
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Willow stood outside the door to the room she and Kennedy shared, steeling her will. Allowing herself a sigh, she turned the doorknob.
“Hey,” she greeted softly, “I just wanted - oh…”
Kennedy was seated at the foot of the bed, legs dangling over the edge. Vi was behind her, kneeling on the mattress with her hands on the brunette’s shoulders.
“Oh - I - um - we - uh…” Vi stammered in embarrassment.
“Chill, Vi,” Kennedy encouraged her, repositioning herself to face Willow. Vi sat next to her, staring at her own feet.
“I-I didn’t mean to disturb - anything,” Willow said apologetically. “I just wanted to see if you were okay. You were pretty quiet after…”
“After you sucked the life out of me,” Kennedy finished for her.
“Yeah, that,” mumbled Willow.
“You know, I thought it would be… I don’t know - cool somehow.” She frowned to herself. “It just hurt.”
“I’m really sorry,” Willow offered. “It’s just, you were the most powerful person nearby and - well, that’s - that’s how it works. That’s how I work…and I’m sorry. You’ve been a good friend to me and - I feel like I - violated you or something.”
“I’m not exactly thrilled about it,” Kennedy informed her, “but I know that you - have a lot of stress. And Vi’s helping me work off the tension, right Vi?”
“Um, yeah,” said Vi, blushing slightly.
“Well, I’ll, uh, leave you guys to it then,” said Willow. “I was just on my way to check on Buffy and I thought I should probably check on you too.”
“I’ll be okay,” Kennedy said softly, casually resting her head on Vi’s shoulder and grinning at Willow.
“Oh, and Kennedy,” Willow added. “I noticed your coat on the bed there.” She nodded toward the article in question. “I just thought I’d remind you that there are hangers in the closet - if you need them.”
“Hangers,” Kennedy said slowly, “right. I don’t think my coat’s quite ready for a hanger yet,” she said pointedly, “but thanks for the reminder.”
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“How you doing?”
Buffy was on her bed, holding herself and looking introspective.
“Thanks for bringing me back,” she answered. “Again.”
“It’s what I do.” Willow had a seat on the edge of the bed.
“I was hard on you guys today.” Buffy looked into Willow’s eyes apologetically.
“You were right to be, Buffy,” Willow assured her. “Although, Twinkies and kisses, also peachy motivational tools.”
“Kiss me,” Buffy instructed.
Willow leaned in and gave the Slayer a lasting, close-mouthed kiss.
“You okay?” she asked.
“I think I made a mistake,” Buffy said quietly.
“What?” Willow questioned.
“I-I don’t know.” Buffy sighed. “I was so hard on everyone - on you - for not using your power. But - those men that I met - you know, the Shadow Men? They offered me more power, but I didn’t like the loophole.”
“So you turned it down?” asked Willow gently. “It’s okay, Buffy. I’m sure you had a good reason. What was the loophole?”
“It would’ve made me - less human. I know I was talking about feeling divided, but - I don’t wanna lose that.”
“Well, that’s something at least,” Willow offered encouragingly. “You know that you’re important to yourself. …Rethinking that sentence. Your humanity is important to you. Maybe that’s the first step toward some inner peace.”
“Not quite feeling peaceful yet,” Buffy pointed out. “How am I supposed to know what’s right?”
“There isn’t a way to know, Buffy,” Willow told her frankly. “Just make your choices based on what you feel. What you believe.”
“I don’t know what I feel,” Buffy explained. “I don’t know what I believe. I can’t always figure it out. …What if I’m wrong?”
“Wrong about what?”
“Anything. …Everything.”
“We’ll get by, Buffy,” Willow assured her. “I could…”
“What?” Buffy asked sharply.
“I was thinking,” Willow explained, “that maybe - maybe I could - help you sort yourself out - if you wanted to.”
“Oh…” Buffy looked sadly down at her hands. “I don’t know, Will. I don’t - I don’t think I’m ready yet.”
“Okay.”
“I wish I could say yes,” Buffy lamented.
“It’s okay, really. I know it’s a lot,” said Willow reassuringly. “What if I just - I mean, I could stay - tonight - if you want me…”
“I want, but…”
“Okay,” said Willow quickly, “I won’t push.”
“I wish… This whole thing has me really shaken up,” admitted the Slayer.
“Like I said, we’ll get by,” repeated the witch. “We always do.”
“I don’t know,” Buffy contradicted. “They showed me…”
“Showed you what?”
“That the First Slayer was right - it isn’t enough.”
“Why, Buffy?” Willow prompted gently. “What did you see? What did they show you?”
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