Bandaids for Bulletwounds - Shaire - Oneshot
Title::..Bandaids for Bulletwounds
Spoilers::..Hearts and Minds
Rating::..M for a sex scene and coarse language
Genre::..Drama
Characters::..Claire Littleton and Shannon Rutherford
Pairing::..Shaire
Author’s Note::..This is my first time ever writing for Shannon/Claire (or Shaire, as I discovered is their adorable shipper name). I’m not too sure where the idea for this fic came from, I was searching for a new fic idea and I had just watched Abandonned so I had Shannon on my mind and, of course, whenever I’m writing Lost the first character I go to is Claire.
This is an AU fic, it takes some of the canon from the flashbacks of the first season but other than that it really doesn’t fit into the canon of the show AT ALL! It also delves into femslash, if you don’t like it then don’t read.
I’ve mentioned Grey’s Anatomy in this fic, there are NO spoilers for the series, I just took the opportunity to tip my hat to its awesomeness. Also a quick reference to Will & Grace with no nasty spoilers.
Summary::..Claire needed a new roommate; Shannon needed a place to crash.
Claire needed a new roommate and quickly. Her pregnancy meant her shifts at Fish ‘n’ Fry had been severely cut back, she was lucky to get two shifts a week. This provided her with barely any money to buy herself food, never mind paying bills and putting her rent money in on time.
The loft was the last thing she had; everything else in her life had gone to shit. She had lost her boyfriend. She had lost any kind of control over her body thanks to the baby. She was on the verge of losing her job. If she couldn’t pay rent again next month she would have to give up the loft. To her this meant giving up her dignity as she turned to a life of sleeping on the couches of her sympathetic friends.
She needed to be able to keep the loft. She needed to keep this final part of control over her life. Even though the space was already limited with just her living there she needed help paying for everything and she considered it might be nice to have company again. She couldn’t deny that she had gotten a little lonely without Thomas or anyone to talk to. So she tidied up the place, packed up a lot of her things so it looked like she owned less and paid for an ad to run in the Sunday newspaper. She may have lied in calling the place ‘a spacious apartment with two bedrooms’, but she fully intended to buy one of those room separating things to give the illusion of a room separate from where she slept and the rest of the loft.
She waddled down to the front door to collect the paper on Sunday morning. She gripped the railing tightly as she made her way back up the steps. She had never had so much trouble walking in her whole life, but the worst part was that she still had another month until her due date, which meant things were only going to get worse from here. She thought she would never make it to the top floor and by the time she reached a seat beside the kitchen bench she was sufficiently robbed of her breath.
She found her ad nestled amongst the many others toward the end of the paper. Looking at it she felt a wave of sickness overcome her. She was worried with a certainty that no one would respond. She was as equally frightened of someone coming to see the loft and freaking her out. There was a very good chance one of the people who came to express their interest in moving in would be a creep, forcing her to show them the door before ever considering their application.
Claire had only just changed out of her daggy sleeping clothes when she heard the first knock on the door. She moved as quickly as possible, hoping whoever was on the other side of the door didn’t get sick of waiting. She checked her reflection in the mirror before opening the door. Her cheeks were horribly flushed but she could easily tuck her hair behind her ears to somewhat improve her appearance.
She opened the door to find a young, good-looking man standing awaiting her. She thought he was around the same age as her. He had large brown eyes and she thought he was well-off due to the yuppie clothes he wore. She felt a smile develop on her face as she could easily imagine herself living with him.
“Hey, this is the place for rent, right?” He asked, his teeth perfectly straight and white as he smiled at her.
“Yeah.” She replied enthusiastically. “I’m Claire; if you wanna come up and have a look around I can give you the grand tour.”
“Holy crap!” He exclaimed, apparently having only just noticed the baby bump protruding out from beneath her shirt. “Are you, like, about to go into labour?”
“No, I actually have another…”
He talked over her. “‘coz when I read the ad and it said it was a 26-year-old chick looking for a roommate I thought it was going to be a hottie for sure, I don’t want to live with some screaming baby and a mum with stretch marks.”
Claire didn’t bother to learn his name and she didn’t allow him to look around the loft. She shut the door in his face instead. She felt no urge to live with a complete bonehead. She had no intentions to share her plans of adoption with a stranger standing on her doorstep.
The next person to knock on the door was a woman Claire would have placed in her early-thirties. She had eyes that appeared much too large for her face. They were almost vacant, seeming to see past Claire rather than looking at her.
Her face lit up at the sight of Claire’s large stomach. “Oh my goodness, look at you! You’re about to burst! And look at that healthy glow.” She began to extend her open hands toward the baby bump. “May I?” Before Claire could refuse the woman had clasped her hands to either side of Claire’s stomach.
Shannon Rutherford was the first applicant Claire showed the loft to. Shannon could have easily been a supermodel with her long legs, thin frame and fashionable clothes. Claire would have been envious of Shannon’s beauty if not for the black eye she was sporting, barely concealed beneath her blonde hair.
Claire didn’t ask Shannon about her black eye just as Shannon didn’t make any comment about Claire’s swollen stomach. Claire appreciated this chance to feel like a normal person, instead of being reduced to a pregnant lady all of the time. She had no way of knowing what lie in Shannon’s past and so decided it was none of her business unless Shannon decided to share.
Shannon didn’t say much. She allowed Claire to explain the general outlay of the loft, looking over everything with an apathetic look on her face. She listened as Claire talked about how much rent, electricity and water usually cost per month. They stood opposite one another, as formal as if this were a job interview. Shannon seemed to be a no nonsense kind of girl and Claire welcomed the idea of living with someone who wasn’t going to overstay their welcome by probing into her personal life. She thought she could easily live with a silent roommate as long as Shannon did her own laundry.
“I’m going to buy one of those privacy screens to section off an area here that you could use as your bedroom.” Claire explained. “Or if you want more space I don’t have a car so the only thing in my garage is the clothes washer, we could do that up and it could be like your own apartment down there, if you’d like. The only thing is, it’s a really long way to walk if you wake up in the middle of the night and you’re busting for the loo.”
“No, I should be okay up here.” Shannon said in her upper-class American accent. “Everything I own is in my car outside so I’m not going to take up that much space anyway.”
“Whatever works for you.” Claire replied.
Shannon crossed the floor to inspect the couch with her critical eye. “Does this couch fold out into a bed?”
“Yeah.”
“Good, I don’t really have a bed at the moment so I’d be sleeping there.” Shannon informed her.
Claire was usually a good judge of character but Shannon was continually confusing her. She was a very well presented woman with everything about her implying she had just stepped off the pages of a fashion magazine. But how could someone with a sporty car and expensive-looking high heels not own a mattress to sleep upon? Surely a girl who carried a designer handbag could afford to live in an apartment much nicer than the one she currently stood in.
The black eye and the lack of possessions told a very different story. Perhaps this was a case to fall under the ‘looks can be deceiving’ category. Claire thought there was a possibility she and Shannon were in the same boat, both in need of some help. A person who carried all of their possessions in their car was a person who needed a quick escape, Claire could relate to this.
“I think you should move in.” She blurted out.
Shannon finally showed some emotion, surprising Claire with a smile. “Really? Wow, thank you so much. You won’t regret this.”
“All I ask for is two weeks rent in advance before you move in, as y’know a way to prove your commitment.” Claire said.
Shannon continued to smile; it suited her, a pleasant change to her furrowed brow. “No problem, I can have it to you by the end of the week.”
“Great.” Claire replied.
“I’ll see you next week.” Shannon said as she left, still smiling widely.
An immense pressure was released from Claire’s chest after Shannon left. She couldn’t help smiling to herself as she made a sandwich. She felt her optimism returning; maybe this was the beginning of her luck turning around.
*
Shannon set herself up on the couch. She placed her suitcases (three in total) in a corner and as easily as that she had moved in. Her stilettos found a resting spot beside the door and she was prone to leaving her hair straightener out after leaving for work. Other than this Claire could be forgiven for experiencing moments when she forgot she had taken the other woman on as a roommate.
Shannon interacted very little with Claire. Claire told herself she shouldn’t be surprised by this, all along it had seemed Shannon had been looking for a place to crash, not a new best friend.
Shannon hardly got in Claire’s way; instead she spent most of her time behind the privacy screens. She seemed to sleep a lot. She would plug the ear-buds of her iPod into her ears and become oblivious to the world. But she never over-slept on the days when she had to work. She worked at the fancy (and over-priced, for mere mortals like Claire) department store, David Jones - Claire had managed to extract at least this much information. She would spend at least ninety minutes in front of a mirror, perfecting her appearance, then she would pick up her stilettos and disappear for the rest of the day.
The insecurities that had plagued Claire during high school had come back out to play when the pregnancy had begun to transform her body. Having Shannon strut around the loft in her tight clothes only added fuel to the fire.
Shannon had been living with Claire for almost a full week before she got a shift at Fish ‘n’ Fry. At first Claire was thrilled she had finally been given a shift to allow her to earn some money. Then when she had to change into the hideous and tasteless uniform while Shannon was still in the loft she became hopelessly embarrassed. Her manager’s solution to her ever-changing body had been to give her the largest size shirt, designed for a morbidly obese man. It hung off of Claire like a poncho. While Shannon was strapping her high heels on Claire shoved her feet into the plain, white, safety-approved shoes provided to each worker.
“Oh. Hi. Uhm, are you, like, working today?” Shannon asked upon finding Claire already occupying the mirror she loved so much. Claire nodded as she continued to brush her teeth, attempting to get rid of the morning sickness taste. “What time do you start?”
Claire spat out the toothpaste before replying. “In an hour.”
“Me too.” Shannon stated. “I could give you a lift if you’d like.”
“That’s okay, I can get the bus, it only costs four bucks.” Claire dismissed.
Shannon scoffed a little cruelly. “Claire, I can drive you, it’s not a problem.”
“Are you sure?” The last thing Claire wanted was to be a burden.
Shannon had taken to primping herself in the mirror as she stood behind Claire. “Yeah, whatever.”
The interior of Shannon’s car was as nice as Claire had observed the exterior to be. It had been well taken care of, free from any litter and the seat covers were still in perfect condition. The car seemed to glide somewhere above the road, the cardboard air freshener swinging merrily for the duration of their journey.
“This is a great car.” Claire finally said aloud, having settled comfortably into her seat at once.
“Yeah, I stole it from my ex-boyfriend.” Shannon stated. Her eyes remained focused on the road as she said this and her tone implied she didn’t think this was any kind of big deal.
“How perfect.” Claire decided. “Because the place you’re living in with me, I pretty much stole that from my ex.”
Shannon took her eyes off of the road for a second to look at Claire in her surprise. After this pause she burst into laughter, loud in her delight. Claire accompanied her, laughing until her sides ached. It was the first time they had laughed together. It was the easiest laughter Claire had indulged in since finding out about the pregnancy. In that moment they were a normal pair of girls sharing a flat and it felt amazing.
*
There were only eight days keeping Claire from her due date. She was ecstatic that she had finally reached the last month. She was looking forward to getting her life back. As long as this pregnancy had lasted she had been trapped in the aftermath of her relationship with Thomas. She had been easily able to throw out all of the things he had left in the loft. But she had been practically stuck with the baby. Following the birth she would be freed to move on with her life.
There had been moments where she had gotten attached to the idea of the tiny person living inside of her. She had thought more than once about what kind of mum she might make if she kept the baby. But that was one hundred per cent impossible. By now she had come to terms with this.
With the birth so painfully close she could no longer work. She was using the money she had saved up to pay for everything while she sat on her butt with her feet up. This kind of luxury could only last for a limited amount of time so she intended to make the most of it.
Shannon emerged from the bathroom, her hair freshly washed and her smooth skin liberated from beneath the makeup. Her path to the kitchen was deterred when her eyes fell upon the television Claire was currently staring at. Her pace slowed until she came to a complete stop beside the armchair Claire was occupying. She watched in silence, enthralled. Claire didn’t realize Shannon was standing so close until she spoke.
“Who is that?”
“Doctor McDreamy.” Claire responded, not taking her eyes off of the screen for a second in the fears of missing something dreadfully important.
Shannon laughed, disbelieving. “Doctor Mc-what?”
“McDreamy.” Claire repeated. “Grey’s Anatomy, haven’t you ever seen it before?”
“No.” Shannon said.
Neither women spoke, too absorbed in the show to form words.
“How come I’ve never heard of this show?” Shannon asked once the commercial break freed them to talk.
“I don’t know, I’m pretty disgusted right now.” Claire informed her. She lifted the bowl resting on her stomach and extended it to Shannon. “Popcorn?”
Shannon dove her hand among the popcorn and emerged with an overflowing palm. She then reclined back into the couch, anticipating the end of the advert interruption. Whatever had been drawing her toward the kitchen became entirely unimportant.
Her jaw hung open in shock and awe when the end credits began to roll. “What? How could they leave it there?”
“I know.” Claire sighed. “They can be bastards with those cliff-hanger endings.”
“That’s putting it lightly.” Shannon commented disgusted.
The dramatic and all-consuming illusion of Grey’s Anatomy fell away as soon as Claire attempted to push herself out of the plush chair. For an hour she gained the escape of the life of Meredith Grey. In that hour her imagination indulged in ideas of attractive doctors who had the characteristics of princes from Disney movies.
Then reality reared its ugly head with the return of the knowledge that she was an undesirable blob. She waddled over to the kitchen. She felt she would be very relieved to gain a view of her feet again.
“What happens next?” Shannon inquired.
“I dunno, we have to wait ‘til next week to find out.” Claire replied.
“No, I meant with your baby.” Shannon clarified, speaking each word carefully as if she were walking through a minefield, wary that if she put her foot in the incorrect spot she would lose it. “Can you blame me for being curious?”
Claire took her time in looking up at Shannon, feeling naked and vulnerable. “I’m giving it up, for adoption. I’ve got the parents picked out; all I gotta do is have the kid.”
“What about the father?” Shannon asked.
For some reason Claire felt comfortable enough to keep talking. She supposed there wasn’t much she could hide from Shannon due to the small space they were living in together. “He was a weasel, but I didn’t find that out until too late. He couldn’t handle it, so after he convinced me we should keep it he ran out, leaving me like this without any kind of support.”
“Men are such dicks, it’s like they’re hard-wired to be unreliable and selfish.” Shannon said.
“You’re tellin’ me?” Claire asked sarcastically.
“At least he did one good thing.” Shannon observed. “He left us this place to live in.”
“Right.” Claire couldn’t help smiling; it felt good to make fun of Thomas. It was also partly a relief to share this with Shannon, now she wasn’t hiding anything. She was sure Shannon would return the favour when she felt ready. In the meantime, there wasn’t going to be any confusion of what was to happen in eight days.
Shannon shrugged off the serious mood of the conversation. “I’m going to bed; could you keep the TV down?”
“Sure.”
Some ninety minutes later Claire switched off the lamp above her bed and laid down on her back. The baby bump looked like a mountain from this point of view. She ran her hand over the curve until tiredness took over. She fell asleep with her hand resting next to her baby for perhaps the last time.
*
Claire had been suffering from intolerable cramps all day. She was quite certain this was what had awoken her so early in the morning. Her whole stomach was alive with movement. She was more aware of the baby inside of her now than she had been for the entire pregnancy.
She was pretty sure she knew what this meant. But she didn’t want to raise any kind of alarm until she knew for sure. She couldn’t imagine how embarrassing it would be to go to the hospital only to have them send her home, telling her it was all in her head. She tried not to draw any extra attention to herself, acting as if nothing was out of the ordinary. So far as Shannon could tell it was a normal Sunday morning.
“My boyfriend used to hit me.” Shannon announced.
Claire was snapped out of her concentration placed on the book she was reading. She looked up from her spot beside the window where the sun was merrily shining in. “What?”
Shannon propped the broom against the wall, allowing her to fully face Claire. “That’s why I have no stuff and why I had to move in here because he beat me. I came to Australia to get away from everything. I came here where I didn’t know anyone so I could have a fresh start and then I met this guy, Brian. He seemed great, until he started hitting me. So here we are…”
“That’s really terrible.” Claire commented. “Have you told anybody?”
Shannon shrugged. “I haven’t had anyone to tell.” She fiddled with the end of the broom, her cheeks flushed in the embarrassment of this sharing. “You told me your crap so I thought I should tell you some of mine.”
“Thanks.” Claire acknowledged. The feeling of gratefulness was short-lived, as a pain like never before seized her stomach. She grasped her stomach in surprise over the sudden pressure. She felt she couldn’t catch her breath.
Shannon had gone back to her task of sweeping out the kitchen and so didn’t notice Claire’s face twist into agony. After a few moments the feeling of a vice-grip wrapped around her womb eased. Daring to relax back into her seat she found she felt almost normal. She closed her eyes and drew a handful of deep breaths, thanking God it was over. She didn’t yet realize that this was only the beginning - she wouldn’t reach the end for another four hours.
“What happened, did you spill your drink?” Shannon inquired, crossing toward the chair where Claire was immobilized.
“Huh?” Claire felt dazed as she struggled to make eye contact with Shannon.
“There’s a puddle right there in front of your chair.” Shannon pointed out.
Dread filled Claire, riding on the crest of instant realization. “Oh my God…”
Shannon became alert. “What? What is it?”
“My water just broke, the baby’s coming.” Claire stated.
All of the colour drained from Shannon’s face. Her eyes expanded in size while her lips were reduced to a tense, thin line. She didn’t say anything, only stared at Claire’s quivering form with hopeless fear. Claire couldn’t recall ever being so petrified before in her whole life. The next contraction rocked her. She squeezed her eyes shut and prayed to God for mercy.
*
There were at least six other people Claire could have called to be by her side as she gave birth. Somehow they were all pushed out of her mind by Shannon’s presence. Shannon had driven Claire to the hospital and helped her to find where she needed to go. It would be cruel to, after all of this help, dismiss her with a ‘seeya!’
Shannon had just shared something very secret with Claire. She didn’t strike Claire as the kind of person who went around telling everyone the intimate details of her personal life. Claire felt she needed to show Shannon this meant something to her. Shannon needed validation after being so vulnerable. Whatever, it was because Claire had come to need the stick-insect that was her roommate.
Shannon proved herself to be more useful than Claire could have ever imagined. She didn’t run away the way a lot of people had done to Claire in her life. It would have been easier to run away than listen to all of Claire’s complaining. But she stayed and kept Claire from losing her grip on sanity. Shannon talked to distract her from the pain (nothing personal, just about her favourite movies and other random topics), she filled Claire’s cup time-after-time and then she surprised Claire entirely by singing.
Claire had never heard Shannon sing before and that was a terrible shame. She had a beautiful voice, soft and sweet. The doctor had told Claire to take a rest as the baby still wasn’t ready. Claire groaned as tears of anguish fell from her eyes, she was exhausted and she seriously doubted her ability to withstand this until the end.
Then Shannon had begun to sing, a lovely and soothing sound. Claire had felt relaxed by the rolling words, even if she hadn’t been able to understand a single one. She felt transported, like everything was going to be okay while she floated on this lullaby.
“That was gorgeous.” Claire commented breathlessly. “I gotta be honest: I didn’t understand any of it.”
Shannon giggled a little. “That’s because it was in French.”
“How do you know French?” Claire inquired.
“I lived over there for a while.” Shannon stated with a small shrug.
The doctor interrupted to tell Claire it was time to try pushing again. Three hours later it ended with the first squeal of life from the baby. At once Claire felt robbed and she curled herself up, trying to protect herself. She was suddenly aware of how much of her body was on display and she cringed.
The baby continued to cry, which she took to be a good sign. She told herself to not listen to the cries. But she couldn’t block the sound out. This was the only time she would ever hear her child, her instincts were to savour every sound the new life produced. Each cry was like a knife in her heart and she needed it to be over before she started screaming too.
“It’s a boy, well done Claire.” The doctor congratulated her. “Would you like to hold him?”
“No.” Claire was feeling claustrophobic for the first time in her life.
The doctor’s voice became stern. “Claire, your OBGYN should have discussed this with you, you need to take the chance to say goodbye to your son before they take him away.”
Claire turned her head away from Shannon, embarrassed she was seeing this. Bloody hell, why was her vagina still uncovered for everyone to view at their leisure? “I don’t want to.”
The doctor wouldn’t leave her alone, it felt like he wouldn’t rest until she was bawling her eyes out. “Claire, this isn’t a decision you can make lightly, take-…”
“She said that she doesn’t want to, so just get it out of here!” Shannon snapped. Claire reached out and grasped Shannon’s hand, Shannon gave Claire a squeeze of acknowledgement. “I’ll go get you some more ice chips.” No one argued with Shannon and soon the click of her high heels filled the room as she exited like a victorious warrior.
Eventually the baby boy was removed from the room, taken to be introduced to people much more capable to take care of him than she could ever hope to be. It took the doctor’s another twenty minutes to finish prodding and examining her. Then Claire had nothing to listen to but the silence reverberating off the walls. She felt this was the sound that would define the rest of her life.
“Do you mind if I turn this television on?” Shannon asked, some immeasurable amount of time later.
All Claire could manage to do was shrug her shoulders. Shannon found a re-run of Will & Grace. She seemed desperate to fill the silence, launching into a story of how her friends had always drawn comparisons between herself and Karen Walker. Everything Shannon said washed over Claire - acknowledged then quickly discarded, deemed unimportant.
Claire wanted to tell Shannon she was glad she was here. But she didn’t have any words to voice this with. Words held no meaning for her anymore.
*
After the birth Claire did what she always did following any kind of drama impacting her life - she bounced back. This wasn’t the first time she had felt an overwhelming sense of loss and she wasn’t optimistic enough to believe this would be the last time.
All she could do was keep going. Lying down and brooding until she died didn’t seem like an option. She was still young, she thought she should move on from this and get on with the life laying ahead of her. She couldn’t let this define the rest of her days and so she needed to move on, before the loss could consume her entirely.
As usual her best idea for moving on was to act as if none of it had ever happened. She had discovered if she didn’t talk about it people were highly unlikely to bring it into conversation. This allowed her to deal with the feelings on her own, without having to answer any questions nor did she have to meet anyone’s expectations of how they thought she should be healing.
Her theory was that while she was acting normal she could trick her brain into thinking she was normal again. She got back to work and concentrated on reminding her boss why she had been hired in the first place. She started working out in her free time in an attempt to gain back a body she wasn’t embarrassed by.
As long as she didn’t look in the mirror and see the stretch marks ruining her body she could almost lead herself to believe the whole thing had never happened.
*
“It’s been a month.” Shannon stated.
Claire looked up from her food. Shannon was sitting beside her on the couch, blinking across to her. Claire could hardly believe what she was hearing, was Shannon seriously implying Claire could have forgotten that a whole month had passed since the birth of her son? Claire stared coldly at her, wishing she would go back to watching TV in silence. “So?”
“So we’re just not going to talk about it ever?” Shannon inquired.
“Yep.” Claire returned her gaze to the television, turning up the volume. Thankfully Shannon took the hint and shut up. But Claire found her appetite for her dinner had vanished and so she left the couch anyway.
*
Another month passed with Claire trying desperately not to take notice of the amount of time separating her from the baby. Shannon hadn’t been brave enough to attempt to bring it back into conversation again, instead helping Claire in her mission of ignoring it altogether.
But Shannon wasn’t the only person who believed Claire should talk about it, as she discovered when she checked the mail one afternoon upon returning to the loft after work. She divided the mail into two piles, placing Shannon’s pile on the couch she still slept on. Claire carried her pile to the table; she leafed through it without much gusto.
A baby blue envelope stood out among the bills. She didn’t recognize the handwriting which had brought the envelope to her loft. Her breath was stolen from her when she saw the names ‘Mort and Harriett’ above the return address. She knew what was contained in the envelope before she opened it. It was a card, bearing a cover of a sickly sweet cartoon infant. She flipped it open and a photo of a baby boy fell out. He looked up at her with very familiar blue eyes.
‘Dear Claire,
This is a photo of the baby less than a week ago with his favourite pair of shoes (he doesn’t yet understand that shoes go on feet, not in mouths, ha-ha).
We have named him Aaron.
We would really like you to meet him. We don’t want to force anything upon you; we can decide what part you could play in his life when you come to meet him.
Can’t wait to hear from you,
Harriet and Mort.’
With violently trembling hands Claire dropped the card, not caring where it landed as she transferred her hands to her face. The sobs ripped through her chest, echoing in the empty loft.
She felt angry, she felt scared but most of all she felt isolated. She folded her arms on the table and buried her face in the warmth. She questioned her actions while running through a list of people she couldn’t call, a list of people she didn’t want to unload this burden upon. Her tears continued to flow, failing to bring her any sense of comfort.
*
Shannon found Claire in this same position almost two hours later when her day at work concluded. “What happened?”
Claire raised the card and photo toward her in a feeble attempt to explain. Shannon took the items and surveyed them with an apathetic expression.
“Harriett and Mort?” Shannon finally said when she finished reading, lowering the card to peer at Claire. “Those are seriously their names? What are they, like from the 19th century?”
Claire surprised herself by chucking as she raised her head from the table. “I don’t know.”
Shannon placed a box of tissues in front of Claire. She knelt down on the ground beside Claire’s chair, looking up at her with concern shining in her hazel eyes. “I could go with you when you go to see them.”
Claire shook her head at once. “No, I don’t want to see them. I don’t want to meet him; I don’t want to have to deal with any of this. I just want all of it to go away.” She couldn’t stop her bottom lip from trembling and her voice wavered in the most pathetic way. “I need all of it to go away.” As if to make her point clearer she swept her arms across the table, banishing everything from its surface.
“Okay.” Shannon decided, straightening up. She crossed to the kitchen where she produced a bottle of wine and collected two cups. She placed one cup in front of where Claire sat drying her eyes and quickly filled it with the deep red liquid. “We are going to get you very drunk so that you can deal with this like a normal person.”
“Thanks.” Claire said.
Shannon filled her cup and raised it across the table to Claire. “Here’s to life and all of its fuckery.”
“Cheers.”
They brought their glasses together then drank deeply.
*
Claire had always been a light-weight. This had made her a popular person to go clubbing with as it would never take her long to get tipsy and everyone loved an uninhibited girl. She could clearly remember the last time she had consumed alcohol: if she wasn’t mistaken it had been on the night the baby was conceived, the beginning of the end of everything. After a night of drinking with four or so other couples Thomas was friends with she had let him take her home for only the fourth time due to how insufferably horny she had been.
That feeling of arousal was mirrored again tonight. Alcohol had always served as an aphrodisiac, which had gotten her into trouble more than once. The wine had served as oil to the dying embers of sexual desire inside of her. She downed more wine, not knowing what to do with this rediscovered energy. Meanwhile Shannon was laughing continually over something Claire thought had nothing to do with the movie they were attempting to watch.
Claire had just leant back from placing her glass on the safety of the coffee table when she found herself under attack. Shannon had lunged forward and was now ravaging Claire’s face with her lips. Claire couldn’t move in her stunned state, leaving her at the mercy of a very energetic Shannon.
Claire was enjoying this, but her confusion was holding her back from fully investing in the sensation. “What are you doing?”
“I’m tired of being lonely, aren’t you?”
Before Claire could think of any words to reply with Shannon had moved forward to sit astride the smaller blonder. She brought their lips together. Claire eased into this unusual situation, seduced by the power of Shannon’s tongue. She hadn’t felt so alive in almost a full year.
“Why should we be alone when we don’t have to be?” Shannon asked.
“I agree.” Claire stated.
“Good.” Shannon grinned before getting up.
She grabbed Claire’s hands and pulled her toward the bed, she almost stumbled. More kisses were exchanged and Claire was beginning to determine that Shannon was a ferocious lover - whether she approved of this or not was still undecided. Claire happily shed her clothes while Shannon’s gorgeous legs were removed from her pants.
Shannon mounted Claire at once on the bed. They moved together, spurred on by their desperation. Claire didn’t pause to think about how weird this was. She simply let Shannon take control as she wanted to drown in this feeling of ecstasy.
Shannon detached herself and sat up. Claire watched as she removed her top then unhooked her bra, revealing her modest breasts. Although Claire had never regarded breasts in such a way before she was at once carried away by the idea of raking her tongue across one of the erect nipples. Her arousal reached a higher peak as she looked over Shannon’s lean torso.
“I’ve never done this with a girl before.” Claire confessed. Fear was rippling through her, threatening to ruin everything.
Shannon’s body heat tattooed Claire’s skin again. “It’s okay I have.”
She grabbed at Claire’s nipple with her teeth and all of her worries dispelled at once. Shannon seemed to be everywhere at once - activating parts of Claire’s body she hadn’t been aware of for a very long time with her hands and lips. Claire felt she should apologize for her lack of experience, but it seemed Shannon’s skill was so great it over-shadowed how clueless Claire was.
Shannon grabbed Claire roughly by the thigh and pushed her legs further apart. With a look of great concentration on her face Shannon placed one knee beside Claire’s hip then the other knee on the mattress somewhere south of her crotch. Claire watched breathless in anticipation of what would happen next. Shannon wrapped one of Claire’s legs around her waist.
Just as Claire was about to ask (in an exasperated tone) what Shannon was doing it happened. Shannon dropped and their pulsating cores met. Claire’s hip bucked in an instant response to this electricity. Shannon grinded against this movement, creating a stronger friction. The pleasure was like a cork in Claire’s throat and she was moaning aloud almost at once.
They fumbled to find a rhythm. They would find one another and rock together for a few moments before things fell out of control again. Their movements were erratic, both desperately reaching for a release they weren’t really sure how to get to. Claire jutted her hips up continually, feeling a little stupid but too blinded by lust to care.
Claire thought Shannon was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. Her smooth skin was shiny with sweat, from the effort. Shannon was gyrating in the most spectacular way. Claire longed to reach up and kiss her, but she didn’t have the strength. Instead she was content in watching Shannon work, marvelling in her sexiness. Claire was reminded of the song she had sung in French, something she hadn’t been able to understand but had enjoyed immensely.
Shannon’s hand shot out and latched on to Claire’s hand lying limply on the bed. Her back had become suddenly rigid as she grasped Claire’s hand. “I’m almost there.” She whispered it, as if it were a secret.
“Oh God, me too, nergh!” Claire was much louder. “Oh God, Shannon!”
Their bodies met in the middle of the eclipse. In a flurry of limbs they came together as if by instinct. They clung to one another, riding out the same powerful wave.
When Claire opened her eyes she found herself with her face buried in Shannon’s neck as she sat with her arms wrapped around the other girl. She had discovered sanctuary in Shannon’s skin. The answer to all of her questions lie here in this moment, listening to Shannon’s breathing.
“You’re so amazing.” Claire told her.
She smiled, appearing to be a different woman in the afterglow. She didn’t respond with words, kissing Claire again. Her lips moved slower this time, more appreciative. Sometime later Shannon lowered Claire back onto the bed where they cuddled. Claire wrapped her arms around Shannon from behind, their bodies fitting together in the perfect spooning position.
Shannon held one of Claire’s hands tightly between her breasts. The intimacy felt still intact as Claire studied the freckles spattered across Shannon’s shoulders. They were breathing in time with one another, partners in this moment.
“Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, save it for a rainy day.” Shannon sang. “Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, never let it fade away.”
Claire wasn’t disturbed by this song reappearing in her life out of the blue. Other than holding Shannon’s hand a little tighter she didn’t react to the emotional baggage she usually attached to the song. She allowed it to lull her into a peaceful and deep sleep.
*
When Claire awoke the next morning it wasn’t to the pleasing sight she had been anticipating. She had been expecting to wake with Shannon’s firm rear flush against her crotch. Their hands would still be joined and Shannon’s hair would obscure Claire’s vision. Her nakedness would be Claire’s to behold and maybe they would do their unusual dance again.
All of these thoughts led to Claire waking up with a smile on her face. This quickly disappeared when she discovered what was providing heat to her body was an inanimate blanket. Her head spun as she made her first attempt to lift it from the pillow. The loft seemed to rock around her making her stomach feel very unsettled. It seemed preferable to simply roll over and attempt to go back to sleep until a time when she felt more capable of walking around. But she had to find Shannon.
Claire discovered the leggy blonde on the other side of the loft, pacing in-and-out of sight behind the privacy screen - which seemed like a waste of space in light of what had happened last night. She was already dressed but her stylish hair was a mess. She held her phone to her ear, concern marking her features. Claire sat up, apparently invisible to Shannon as she continued to speak softly into the phone.
“I’ll be there as soon as possible. I don’t care about my job, I have to see him. Yes, goddammit Sabrina I’m coming. Whatever. I’ll see you soon.” She ended the call and lowered the phone from her ear as her other hand reached up to cover her mouth. Claire noticed for the first time how red her eyes were.
“What’s going on?” Claire asked.
“My brother was in a plane accident.” Shannon replied. “He’s at the hospital but they don’t know how much time he has left so I have to go, I have to see him.”
Claire couldn’t recall Shannon ever mentioning a brother before. Claire felt very uncomfortable in her nudity and covered herself with the sheet, no longer wanting to be exposed in front of someone who seemed like a total stranger. Claire had forgotten how little she knew her roommate. But how could Shannon be such a stranger when she had seemed to know Claire better than anyone else under the cover of darkness.
“Your brother, where is he?” Claire asked.
“America.” Shannon didn’t look up as she spoke; she was too busy throwing things into bags at a frantic state.
“America.” Claire repeated. “Wow. So how long do you think you’ll be over there?”
“I don’t know, I don’t even know if I’ll be coming back, it’s all up in the air right now.” Shannon stated.
That cold look which had been on her face when they had first met was back. Claire held the blanket closer to her body as she watched everything they had ever shared disappearing. Shannon had never been looking for a companion; she had only needed a place to crash. The time they had spent living together had run its course, just how it would be with any other pair of roommates.
“Okay.” Claire bit her bottom lip, willing herself to hold the tears in.
“I’ll see you…” Shannon departed the loft less than fifty minutes later without any kind of fond last look at Claire. She drove away with all of her things packed back into her ex-boyfriend’s car.
Claire couldn’t move for the remaining hours of the day. She felt numb - but at least she wasn’t thinking about the baby anymore.
*
Hannah placed another box on the ground, there was quite a collection building now. She straightened up, wiping the sweat from her brow. “That’s the last one.”
Claire looked up from the kitchen of her new flat and grinned. Her new home finally had belongings in it. “Brilliant, thanks so much. Why don’t you go back down to the car and I’ll grab my wallet and buy us some ice-creams?”
“Sounds good to me.” Hannah shrugged, turning and moving for the exit.
Claire took a little longer to leave the flat. Instead of going straight to the door she stood in the middle of the floor, absorbing her surroundings. The loft had defined her for too long, but now she had been given the chance to move on and start a new chapter in her life.
She hadn’t heard from Shannon in over eleven weeks. She was continuing to avoid seeing the baby. She had given up on thinking Thomas would return.
But none of that mattered anymore. This was a new beginning for her, an opportunity to leave all of this behind. The optimism swelled within her as she locked the door, she could hardly wait to return.
“Hi.”
She turned to find a man standing at the door opposite hers, smiling at her. She couldn’t help blushing at the brightness of his smile. “Hi.”
“Are you moving in?” He asked in a thick British accent.
“Yeah, just today.” She replied.
“Oh great, I’m your neighbour.” He stated. “I’m Charlie.” He stuck his hand out and she grasped it without hesitation.
The End.
Spoilers::..Hearts and Minds
Rating::..M for a sex scene and coarse language
Genre::..Drama
Characters::..Claire Littleton and Shannon Rutherford
Pairing::..Shaire
Author’s Note::..This is my first time ever writing for Shannon/Claire (or Shaire, as I discovered is their adorable shipper name). I’m not too sure where the idea for this fic came from, I was searching for a new fic idea and I had just watched Abandonned so I had Shannon on my mind and, of course, whenever I’m writing Lost the first character I go to is Claire.
This is an AU fic, it takes some of the canon from the flashbacks of the first season but other than that it really doesn’t fit into the canon of the show AT ALL! It also delves into femslash, if you don’t like it then don’t read.
I’ve mentioned Grey’s Anatomy in this fic, there are NO spoilers for the series, I just took the opportunity to tip my hat to its awesomeness. Also a quick reference to Will & Grace with no nasty spoilers.
Summary::..Claire needed a new roommate; Shannon needed a place to crash.
Claire needed a new roommate and quickly. Her pregnancy meant her shifts at Fish ‘n’ Fry had been severely cut back, she was lucky to get two shifts a week. This provided her with barely any money to buy herself food, never mind paying bills and putting her rent money in on time.
The loft was the last thing she had; everything else in her life had gone to shit. She had lost her boyfriend. She had lost any kind of control over her body thanks to the baby. She was on the verge of losing her job. If she couldn’t pay rent again next month she would have to give up the loft. To her this meant giving up her dignity as she turned to a life of sleeping on the couches of her sympathetic friends.
She needed to be able to keep the loft. She needed to keep this final part of control over her life. Even though the space was already limited with just her living there she needed help paying for everything and she considered it might be nice to have company again. She couldn’t deny that she had gotten a little lonely without Thomas or anyone to talk to. So she tidied up the place, packed up a lot of her things so it looked like she owned less and paid for an ad to run in the Sunday newspaper. She may have lied in calling the place ‘a spacious apartment with two bedrooms’, but she fully intended to buy one of those room separating things to give the illusion of a room separate from where she slept and the rest of the loft.
She waddled down to the front door to collect the paper on Sunday morning. She gripped the railing tightly as she made her way back up the steps. She had never had so much trouble walking in her whole life, but the worst part was that she still had another month until her due date, which meant things were only going to get worse from here. She thought she would never make it to the top floor and by the time she reached a seat beside the kitchen bench she was sufficiently robbed of her breath.
She found her ad nestled amongst the many others toward the end of the paper. Looking at it she felt a wave of sickness overcome her. She was worried with a certainty that no one would respond. She was as equally frightened of someone coming to see the loft and freaking her out. There was a very good chance one of the people who came to express their interest in moving in would be a creep, forcing her to show them the door before ever considering their application.
Claire had only just changed out of her daggy sleeping clothes when she heard the first knock on the door. She moved as quickly as possible, hoping whoever was on the other side of the door didn’t get sick of waiting. She checked her reflection in the mirror before opening the door. Her cheeks were horribly flushed but she could easily tuck her hair behind her ears to somewhat improve her appearance.
She opened the door to find a young, good-looking man standing awaiting her. She thought he was around the same age as her. He had large brown eyes and she thought he was well-off due to the yuppie clothes he wore. She felt a smile develop on her face as she could easily imagine herself living with him.
“Hey, this is the place for rent, right?” He asked, his teeth perfectly straight and white as he smiled at her.
“Yeah.” She replied enthusiastically. “I’m Claire; if you wanna come up and have a look around I can give you the grand tour.”
“Holy crap!” He exclaimed, apparently having only just noticed the baby bump protruding out from beneath her shirt. “Are you, like, about to go into labour?”
“No, I actually have another…”
He talked over her. “‘coz when I read the ad and it said it was a 26-year-old chick looking for a roommate I thought it was going to be a hottie for sure, I don’t want to live with some screaming baby and a mum with stretch marks.”
Claire didn’t bother to learn his name and she didn’t allow him to look around the loft. She shut the door in his face instead. She felt no urge to live with a complete bonehead. She had no intentions to share her plans of adoption with a stranger standing on her doorstep.
The next person to knock on the door was a woman Claire would have placed in her early-thirties. She had eyes that appeared much too large for her face. They were almost vacant, seeming to see past Claire rather than looking at her.
Her face lit up at the sight of Claire’s large stomach. “Oh my goodness, look at you! You’re about to burst! And look at that healthy glow.” She began to extend her open hands toward the baby bump. “May I?” Before Claire could refuse the woman had clasped her hands to either side of Claire’s stomach.
Shannon Rutherford was the first applicant Claire showed the loft to. Shannon could have easily been a supermodel with her long legs, thin frame and fashionable clothes. Claire would have been envious of Shannon’s beauty if not for the black eye she was sporting, barely concealed beneath her blonde hair.
Claire didn’t ask Shannon about her black eye just as Shannon didn’t make any comment about Claire’s swollen stomach. Claire appreciated this chance to feel like a normal person, instead of being reduced to a pregnant lady all of the time. She had no way of knowing what lie in Shannon’s past and so decided it was none of her business unless Shannon decided to share.
Shannon didn’t say much. She allowed Claire to explain the general outlay of the loft, looking over everything with an apathetic look on her face. She listened as Claire talked about how much rent, electricity and water usually cost per month. They stood opposite one another, as formal as if this were a job interview. Shannon seemed to be a no nonsense kind of girl and Claire welcomed the idea of living with someone who wasn’t going to overstay their welcome by probing into her personal life. She thought she could easily live with a silent roommate as long as Shannon did her own laundry.
“I’m going to buy one of those privacy screens to section off an area here that you could use as your bedroom.” Claire explained. “Or if you want more space I don’t have a car so the only thing in my garage is the clothes washer, we could do that up and it could be like your own apartment down there, if you’d like. The only thing is, it’s a really long way to walk if you wake up in the middle of the night and you’re busting for the loo.”
“No, I should be okay up here.” Shannon said in her upper-class American accent. “Everything I own is in my car outside so I’m not going to take up that much space anyway.”
“Whatever works for you.” Claire replied.
Shannon crossed the floor to inspect the couch with her critical eye. “Does this couch fold out into a bed?”
“Yeah.”
“Good, I don’t really have a bed at the moment so I’d be sleeping there.” Shannon informed her.
Claire was usually a good judge of character but Shannon was continually confusing her. She was a very well presented woman with everything about her implying she had just stepped off the pages of a fashion magazine. But how could someone with a sporty car and expensive-looking high heels not own a mattress to sleep upon? Surely a girl who carried a designer handbag could afford to live in an apartment much nicer than the one she currently stood in.
The black eye and the lack of possessions told a very different story. Perhaps this was a case to fall under the ‘looks can be deceiving’ category. Claire thought there was a possibility she and Shannon were in the same boat, both in need of some help. A person who carried all of their possessions in their car was a person who needed a quick escape, Claire could relate to this.
“I think you should move in.” She blurted out.
Shannon finally showed some emotion, surprising Claire with a smile. “Really? Wow, thank you so much. You won’t regret this.”
“All I ask for is two weeks rent in advance before you move in, as y’know a way to prove your commitment.” Claire said.
Shannon continued to smile; it suited her, a pleasant change to her furrowed brow. “No problem, I can have it to you by the end of the week.”
“Great.” Claire replied.
“I’ll see you next week.” Shannon said as she left, still smiling widely.
An immense pressure was released from Claire’s chest after Shannon left. She couldn’t help smiling to herself as she made a sandwich. She felt her optimism returning; maybe this was the beginning of her luck turning around.
*
Shannon set herself up on the couch. She placed her suitcases (three in total) in a corner and as easily as that she had moved in. Her stilettos found a resting spot beside the door and she was prone to leaving her hair straightener out after leaving for work. Other than this Claire could be forgiven for experiencing moments when she forgot she had taken the other woman on as a roommate.
Shannon interacted very little with Claire. Claire told herself she shouldn’t be surprised by this, all along it had seemed Shannon had been looking for a place to crash, not a new best friend.
Shannon hardly got in Claire’s way; instead she spent most of her time behind the privacy screens. She seemed to sleep a lot. She would plug the ear-buds of her iPod into her ears and become oblivious to the world. But she never over-slept on the days when she had to work. She worked at the fancy (and over-priced, for mere mortals like Claire) department store, David Jones - Claire had managed to extract at least this much information. She would spend at least ninety minutes in front of a mirror, perfecting her appearance, then she would pick up her stilettos and disappear for the rest of the day.
The insecurities that had plagued Claire during high school had come back out to play when the pregnancy had begun to transform her body. Having Shannon strut around the loft in her tight clothes only added fuel to the fire.
Shannon had been living with Claire for almost a full week before she got a shift at Fish ‘n’ Fry. At first Claire was thrilled she had finally been given a shift to allow her to earn some money. Then when she had to change into the hideous and tasteless uniform while Shannon was still in the loft she became hopelessly embarrassed. Her manager’s solution to her ever-changing body had been to give her the largest size shirt, designed for a morbidly obese man. It hung off of Claire like a poncho. While Shannon was strapping her high heels on Claire shoved her feet into the plain, white, safety-approved shoes provided to each worker.
“Oh. Hi. Uhm, are you, like, working today?” Shannon asked upon finding Claire already occupying the mirror she loved so much. Claire nodded as she continued to brush her teeth, attempting to get rid of the morning sickness taste. “What time do you start?”
Claire spat out the toothpaste before replying. “In an hour.”
“Me too.” Shannon stated. “I could give you a lift if you’d like.”
“That’s okay, I can get the bus, it only costs four bucks.” Claire dismissed.
Shannon scoffed a little cruelly. “Claire, I can drive you, it’s not a problem.”
“Are you sure?” The last thing Claire wanted was to be a burden.
Shannon had taken to primping herself in the mirror as she stood behind Claire. “Yeah, whatever.”
The interior of Shannon’s car was as nice as Claire had observed the exterior to be. It had been well taken care of, free from any litter and the seat covers were still in perfect condition. The car seemed to glide somewhere above the road, the cardboard air freshener swinging merrily for the duration of their journey.
“This is a great car.” Claire finally said aloud, having settled comfortably into her seat at once.
“Yeah, I stole it from my ex-boyfriend.” Shannon stated. Her eyes remained focused on the road as she said this and her tone implied she didn’t think this was any kind of big deal.
“How perfect.” Claire decided. “Because the place you’re living in with me, I pretty much stole that from my ex.”
Shannon took her eyes off of the road for a second to look at Claire in her surprise. After this pause she burst into laughter, loud in her delight. Claire accompanied her, laughing until her sides ached. It was the first time they had laughed together. It was the easiest laughter Claire had indulged in since finding out about the pregnancy. In that moment they were a normal pair of girls sharing a flat and it felt amazing.
*
There were only eight days keeping Claire from her due date. She was ecstatic that she had finally reached the last month. She was looking forward to getting her life back. As long as this pregnancy had lasted she had been trapped in the aftermath of her relationship with Thomas. She had been easily able to throw out all of the things he had left in the loft. But she had been practically stuck with the baby. Following the birth she would be freed to move on with her life.
There had been moments where she had gotten attached to the idea of the tiny person living inside of her. She had thought more than once about what kind of mum she might make if she kept the baby. But that was one hundred per cent impossible. By now she had come to terms with this.
With the birth so painfully close she could no longer work. She was using the money she had saved up to pay for everything while she sat on her butt with her feet up. This kind of luxury could only last for a limited amount of time so she intended to make the most of it.
Shannon emerged from the bathroom, her hair freshly washed and her smooth skin liberated from beneath the makeup. Her path to the kitchen was deterred when her eyes fell upon the television Claire was currently staring at. Her pace slowed until she came to a complete stop beside the armchair Claire was occupying. She watched in silence, enthralled. Claire didn’t realize Shannon was standing so close until she spoke.
“Who is that?”
“Doctor McDreamy.” Claire responded, not taking her eyes off of the screen for a second in the fears of missing something dreadfully important.
Shannon laughed, disbelieving. “Doctor Mc-what?”
“McDreamy.” Claire repeated. “Grey’s Anatomy, haven’t you ever seen it before?”
“No.” Shannon said.
Neither women spoke, too absorbed in the show to form words.
“How come I’ve never heard of this show?” Shannon asked once the commercial break freed them to talk.
“I don’t know, I’m pretty disgusted right now.” Claire informed her. She lifted the bowl resting on her stomach and extended it to Shannon. “Popcorn?”
Shannon dove her hand among the popcorn and emerged with an overflowing palm. She then reclined back into the couch, anticipating the end of the advert interruption. Whatever had been drawing her toward the kitchen became entirely unimportant.
Her jaw hung open in shock and awe when the end credits began to roll. “What? How could they leave it there?”
“I know.” Claire sighed. “They can be bastards with those cliff-hanger endings.”
“That’s putting it lightly.” Shannon commented disgusted.
The dramatic and all-consuming illusion of Grey’s Anatomy fell away as soon as Claire attempted to push herself out of the plush chair. For an hour she gained the escape of the life of Meredith Grey. In that hour her imagination indulged in ideas of attractive doctors who had the characteristics of princes from Disney movies.
Then reality reared its ugly head with the return of the knowledge that she was an undesirable blob. She waddled over to the kitchen. She felt she would be very relieved to gain a view of her feet again.
“What happens next?” Shannon inquired.
“I dunno, we have to wait ‘til next week to find out.” Claire replied.
“No, I meant with your baby.” Shannon clarified, speaking each word carefully as if she were walking through a minefield, wary that if she put her foot in the incorrect spot she would lose it. “Can you blame me for being curious?”
Claire took her time in looking up at Shannon, feeling naked and vulnerable. “I’m giving it up, for adoption. I’ve got the parents picked out; all I gotta do is have the kid.”
“What about the father?” Shannon asked.
For some reason Claire felt comfortable enough to keep talking. She supposed there wasn’t much she could hide from Shannon due to the small space they were living in together. “He was a weasel, but I didn’t find that out until too late. He couldn’t handle it, so after he convinced me we should keep it he ran out, leaving me like this without any kind of support.”
“Men are such dicks, it’s like they’re hard-wired to be unreliable and selfish.” Shannon said.
“You’re tellin’ me?” Claire asked sarcastically.
“At least he did one good thing.” Shannon observed. “He left us this place to live in.”
“Right.” Claire couldn’t help smiling; it felt good to make fun of Thomas. It was also partly a relief to share this with Shannon, now she wasn’t hiding anything. She was sure Shannon would return the favour when she felt ready. In the meantime, there wasn’t going to be any confusion of what was to happen in eight days.
Shannon shrugged off the serious mood of the conversation. “I’m going to bed; could you keep the TV down?”
“Sure.”
Some ninety minutes later Claire switched off the lamp above her bed and laid down on her back. The baby bump looked like a mountain from this point of view. She ran her hand over the curve until tiredness took over. She fell asleep with her hand resting next to her baby for perhaps the last time.
*
Claire had been suffering from intolerable cramps all day. She was quite certain this was what had awoken her so early in the morning. Her whole stomach was alive with movement. She was more aware of the baby inside of her now than she had been for the entire pregnancy.
She was pretty sure she knew what this meant. But she didn’t want to raise any kind of alarm until she knew for sure. She couldn’t imagine how embarrassing it would be to go to the hospital only to have them send her home, telling her it was all in her head. She tried not to draw any extra attention to herself, acting as if nothing was out of the ordinary. So far as Shannon could tell it was a normal Sunday morning.
“My boyfriend used to hit me.” Shannon announced.
Claire was snapped out of her concentration placed on the book she was reading. She looked up from her spot beside the window where the sun was merrily shining in. “What?”
Shannon propped the broom against the wall, allowing her to fully face Claire. “That’s why I have no stuff and why I had to move in here because he beat me. I came to Australia to get away from everything. I came here where I didn’t know anyone so I could have a fresh start and then I met this guy, Brian. He seemed great, until he started hitting me. So here we are…”
“That’s really terrible.” Claire commented. “Have you told anybody?”
Shannon shrugged. “I haven’t had anyone to tell.” She fiddled with the end of the broom, her cheeks flushed in the embarrassment of this sharing. “You told me your crap so I thought I should tell you some of mine.”
“Thanks.” Claire acknowledged. The feeling of gratefulness was short-lived, as a pain like never before seized her stomach. She grasped her stomach in surprise over the sudden pressure. She felt she couldn’t catch her breath.
Shannon had gone back to her task of sweeping out the kitchen and so didn’t notice Claire’s face twist into agony. After a few moments the feeling of a vice-grip wrapped around her womb eased. Daring to relax back into her seat she found she felt almost normal. She closed her eyes and drew a handful of deep breaths, thanking God it was over. She didn’t yet realize that this was only the beginning - she wouldn’t reach the end for another four hours.
“What happened, did you spill your drink?” Shannon inquired, crossing toward the chair where Claire was immobilized.
“Huh?” Claire felt dazed as she struggled to make eye contact with Shannon.
“There’s a puddle right there in front of your chair.” Shannon pointed out.
Dread filled Claire, riding on the crest of instant realization. “Oh my God…”
Shannon became alert. “What? What is it?”
“My water just broke, the baby’s coming.” Claire stated.
All of the colour drained from Shannon’s face. Her eyes expanded in size while her lips were reduced to a tense, thin line. She didn’t say anything, only stared at Claire’s quivering form with hopeless fear. Claire couldn’t recall ever being so petrified before in her whole life. The next contraction rocked her. She squeezed her eyes shut and prayed to God for mercy.
*
There were at least six other people Claire could have called to be by her side as she gave birth. Somehow they were all pushed out of her mind by Shannon’s presence. Shannon had driven Claire to the hospital and helped her to find where she needed to go. It would be cruel to, after all of this help, dismiss her with a ‘seeya!’
Shannon had just shared something very secret with Claire. She didn’t strike Claire as the kind of person who went around telling everyone the intimate details of her personal life. Claire felt she needed to show Shannon this meant something to her. Shannon needed validation after being so vulnerable. Whatever, it was because Claire had come to need the stick-insect that was her roommate.
Shannon proved herself to be more useful than Claire could have ever imagined. She didn’t run away the way a lot of people had done to Claire in her life. It would have been easier to run away than listen to all of Claire’s complaining. But she stayed and kept Claire from losing her grip on sanity. Shannon talked to distract her from the pain (nothing personal, just about her favourite movies and other random topics), she filled Claire’s cup time-after-time and then she surprised Claire entirely by singing.
Claire had never heard Shannon sing before and that was a terrible shame. She had a beautiful voice, soft and sweet. The doctor had told Claire to take a rest as the baby still wasn’t ready. Claire groaned as tears of anguish fell from her eyes, she was exhausted and she seriously doubted her ability to withstand this until the end.
Then Shannon had begun to sing, a lovely and soothing sound. Claire had felt relaxed by the rolling words, even if she hadn’t been able to understand a single one. She felt transported, like everything was going to be okay while she floated on this lullaby.
“That was gorgeous.” Claire commented breathlessly. “I gotta be honest: I didn’t understand any of it.”
Shannon giggled a little. “That’s because it was in French.”
“How do you know French?” Claire inquired.
“I lived over there for a while.” Shannon stated with a small shrug.
The doctor interrupted to tell Claire it was time to try pushing again. Three hours later it ended with the first squeal of life from the baby. At once Claire felt robbed and she curled herself up, trying to protect herself. She was suddenly aware of how much of her body was on display and she cringed.
The baby continued to cry, which she took to be a good sign. She told herself to not listen to the cries. But she couldn’t block the sound out. This was the only time she would ever hear her child, her instincts were to savour every sound the new life produced. Each cry was like a knife in her heart and she needed it to be over before she started screaming too.
“It’s a boy, well done Claire.” The doctor congratulated her. “Would you like to hold him?”
“No.” Claire was feeling claustrophobic for the first time in her life.
The doctor’s voice became stern. “Claire, your OBGYN should have discussed this with you, you need to take the chance to say goodbye to your son before they take him away.”
Claire turned her head away from Shannon, embarrassed she was seeing this. Bloody hell, why was her vagina still uncovered for everyone to view at their leisure? “I don’t want to.”
The doctor wouldn’t leave her alone, it felt like he wouldn’t rest until she was bawling her eyes out. “Claire, this isn’t a decision you can make lightly, take-…”
“She said that she doesn’t want to, so just get it out of here!” Shannon snapped. Claire reached out and grasped Shannon’s hand, Shannon gave Claire a squeeze of acknowledgement. “I’ll go get you some more ice chips.” No one argued with Shannon and soon the click of her high heels filled the room as she exited like a victorious warrior.
Eventually the baby boy was removed from the room, taken to be introduced to people much more capable to take care of him than she could ever hope to be. It took the doctor’s another twenty minutes to finish prodding and examining her. Then Claire had nothing to listen to but the silence reverberating off the walls. She felt this was the sound that would define the rest of her life.
“Do you mind if I turn this television on?” Shannon asked, some immeasurable amount of time later.
All Claire could manage to do was shrug her shoulders. Shannon found a re-run of Will & Grace. She seemed desperate to fill the silence, launching into a story of how her friends had always drawn comparisons between herself and Karen Walker. Everything Shannon said washed over Claire - acknowledged then quickly discarded, deemed unimportant.
Claire wanted to tell Shannon she was glad she was here. But she didn’t have any words to voice this with. Words held no meaning for her anymore.
*
After the birth Claire did what she always did following any kind of drama impacting her life - she bounced back. This wasn’t the first time she had felt an overwhelming sense of loss and she wasn’t optimistic enough to believe this would be the last time.
All she could do was keep going. Lying down and brooding until she died didn’t seem like an option. She was still young, she thought she should move on from this and get on with the life laying ahead of her. She couldn’t let this define the rest of her days and so she needed to move on, before the loss could consume her entirely.
As usual her best idea for moving on was to act as if none of it had ever happened. She had discovered if she didn’t talk about it people were highly unlikely to bring it into conversation. This allowed her to deal with the feelings on her own, without having to answer any questions nor did she have to meet anyone’s expectations of how they thought she should be healing.
Her theory was that while she was acting normal she could trick her brain into thinking she was normal again. She got back to work and concentrated on reminding her boss why she had been hired in the first place. She started working out in her free time in an attempt to gain back a body she wasn’t embarrassed by.
As long as she didn’t look in the mirror and see the stretch marks ruining her body she could almost lead herself to believe the whole thing had never happened.
*
“It’s been a month.” Shannon stated.
Claire looked up from her food. Shannon was sitting beside her on the couch, blinking across to her. Claire could hardly believe what she was hearing, was Shannon seriously implying Claire could have forgotten that a whole month had passed since the birth of her son? Claire stared coldly at her, wishing she would go back to watching TV in silence. “So?”
“So we’re just not going to talk about it ever?” Shannon inquired.
“Yep.” Claire returned her gaze to the television, turning up the volume. Thankfully Shannon took the hint and shut up. But Claire found her appetite for her dinner had vanished and so she left the couch anyway.
*
Another month passed with Claire trying desperately not to take notice of the amount of time separating her from the baby. Shannon hadn’t been brave enough to attempt to bring it back into conversation again, instead helping Claire in her mission of ignoring it altogether.
But Shannon wasn’t the only person who believed Claire should talk about it, as she discovered when she checked the mail one afternoon upon returning to the loft after work. She divided the mail into two piles, placing Shannon’s pile on the couch she still slept on. Claire carried her pile to the table; she leafed through it without much gusto.
A baby blue envelope stood out among the bills. She didn’t recognize the handwriting which had brought the envelope to her loft. Her breath was stolen from her when she saw the names ‘Mort and Harriett’ above the return address. She knew what was contained in the envelope before she opened it. It was a card, bearing a cover of a sickly sweet cartoon infant. She flipped it open and a photo of a baby boy fell out. He looked up at her with very familiar blue eyes.
‘Dear Claire,
This is a photo of the baby less than a week ago with his favourite pair of shoes (he doesn’t yet understand that shoes go on feet, not in mouths, ha-ha).
We have named him Aaron.
We would really like you to meet him. We don’t want to force anything upon you; we can decide what part you could play in his life when you come to meet him.
Can’t wait to hear from you,
Harriet and Mort.’
With violently trembling hands Claire dropped the card, not caring where it landed as she transferred her hands to her face. The sobs ripped through her chest, echoing in the empty loft.
She felt angry, she felt scared but most of all she felt isolated. She folded her arms on the table and buried her face in the warmth. She questioned her actions while running through a list of people she couldn’t call, a list of people she didn’t want to unload this burden upon. Her tears continued to flow, failing to bring her any sense of comfort.
*
Shannon found Claire in this same position almost two hours later when her day at work concluded. “What happened?”
Claire raised the card and photo toward her in a feeble attempt to explain. Shannon took the items and surveyed them with an apathetic expression.
“Harriett and Mort?” Shannon finally said when she finished reading, lowering the card to peer at Claire. “Those are seriously their names? What are they, like from the 19th century?”
Claire surprised herself by chucking as she raised her head from the table. “I don’t know.”
Shannon placed a box of tissues in front of Claire. She knelt down on the ground beside Claire’s chair, looking up at her with concern shining in her hazel eyes. “I could go with you when you go to see them.”
Claire shook her head at once. “No, I don’t want to see them. I don’t want to meet him; I don’t want to have to deal with any of this. I just want all of it to go away.” She couldn’t stop her bottom lip from trembling and her voice wavered in the most pathetic way. “I need all of it to go away.” As if to make her point clearer she swept her arms across the table, banishing everything from its surface.
“Okay.” Shannon decided, straightening up. She crossed to the kitchen where she produced a bottle of wine and collected two cups. She placed one cup in front of where Claire sat drying her eyes and quickly filled it with the deep red liquid. “We are going to get you very drunk so that you can deal with this like a normal person.”
“Thanks.” Claire said.
Shannon filled her cup and raised it across the table to Claire. “Here’s to life and all of its fuckery.”
“Cheers.”
They brought their glasses together then drank deeply.
*
Claire had always been a light-weight. This had made her a popular person to go clubbing with as it would never take her long to get tipsy and everyone loved an uninhibited girl. She could clearly remember the last time she had consumed alcohol: if she wasn’t mistaken it had been on the night the baby was conceived, the beginning of the end of everything. After a night of drinking with four or so other couples Thomas was friends with she had let him take her home for only the fourth time due to how insufferably horny she had been.
That feeling of arousal was mirrored again tonight. Alcohol had always served as an aphrodisiac, which had gotten her into trouble more than once. The wine had served as oil to the dying embers of sexual desire inside of her. She downed more wine, not knowing what to do with this rediscovered energy. Meanwhile Shannon was laughing continually over something Claire thought had nothing to do with the movie they were attempting to watch.
Claire had just leant back from placing her glass on the safety of the coffee table when she found herself under attack. Shannon had lunged forward and was now ravaging Claire’s face with her lips. Claire couldn’t move in her stunned state, leaving her at the mercy of a very energetic Shannon.
Claire was enjoying this, but her confusion was holding her back from fully investing in the sensation. “What are you doing?”
“I’m tired of being lonely, aren’t you?”
Before Claire could think of any words to reply with Shannon had moved forward to sit astride the smaller blonder. She brought their lips together. Claire eased into this unusual situation, seduced by the power of Shannon’s tongue. She hadn’t felt so alive in almost a full year.
“Why should we be alone when we don’t have to be?” Shannon asked.
“I agree.” Claire stated.
“Good.” Shannon grinned before getting up.
She grabbed Claire’s hands and pulled her toward the bed, she almost stumbled. More kisses were exchanged and Claire was beginning to determine that Shannon was a ferocious lover - whether she approved of this or not was still undecided. Claire happily shed her clothes while Shannon’s gorgeous legs were removed from her pants.
Shannon mounted Claire at once on the bed. They moved together, spurred on by their desperation. Claire didn’t pause to think about how weird this was. She simply let Shannon take control as she wanted to drown in this feeling of ecstasy.
Shannon detached herself and sat up. Claire watched as she removed her top then unhooked her bra, revealing her modest breasts. Although Claire had never regarded breasts in such a way before she was at once carried away by the idea of raking her tongue across one of the erect nipples. Her arousal reached a higher peak as she looked over Shannon’s lean torso.
“I’ve never done this with a girl before.” Claire confessed. Fear was rippling through her, threatening to ruin everything.
Shannon’s body heat tattooed Claire’s skin again. “It’s okay I have.”
She grabbed at Claire’s nipple with her teeth and all of her worries dispelled at once. Shannon seemed to be everywhere at once - activating parts of Claire’s body she hadn’t been aware of for a very long time with her hands and lips. Claire felt she should apologize for her lack of experience, but it seemed Shannon’s skill was so great it over-shadowed how clueless Claire was.
Shannon grabbed Claire roughly by the thigh and pushed her legs further apart. With a look of great concentration on her face Shannon placed one knee beside Claire’s hip then the other knee on the mattress somewhere south of her crotch. Claire watched breathless in anticipation of what would happen next. Shannon wrapped one of Claire’s legs around her waist.
Just as Claire was about to ask (in an exasperated tone) what Shannon was doing it happened. Shannon dropped and their pulsating cores met. Claire’s hip bucked in an instant response to this electricity. Shannon grinded against this movement, creating a stronger friction. The pleasure was like a cork in Claire’s throat and she was moaning aloud almost at once.
They fumbled to find a rhythm. They would find one another and rock together for a few moments before things fell out of control again. Their movements were erratic, both desperately reaching for a release they weren’t really sure how to get to. Claire jutted her hips up continually, feeling a little stupid but too blinded by lust to care.
Claire thought Shannon was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. Her smooth skin was shiny with sweat, from the effort. Shannon was gyrating in the most spectacular way. Claire longed to reach up and kiss her, but she didn’t have the strength. Instead she was content in watching Shannon work, marvelling in her sexiness. Claire was reminded of the song she had sung in French, something she hadn’t been able to understand but had enjoyed immensely.
Shannon’s hand shot out and latched on to Claire’s hand lying limply on the bed. Her back had become suddenly rigid as she grasped Claire’s hand. “I’m almost there.” She whispered it, as if it were a secret.
“Oh God, me too, nergh!” Claire was much louder. “Oh God, Shannon!”
Their bodies met in the middle of the eclipse. In a flurry of limbs they came together as if by instinct. They clung to one another, riding out the same powerful wave.
When Claire opened her eyes she found herself with her face buried in Shannon’s neck as she sat with her arms wrapped around the other girl. She had discovered sanctuary in Shannon’s skin. The answer to all of her questions lie here in this moment, listening to Shannon’s breathing.
“You’re so amazing.” Claire told her.
She smiled, appearing to be a different woman in the afterglow. She didn’t respond with words, kissing Claire again. Her lips moved slower this time, more appreciative. Sometime later Shannon lowered Claire back onto the bed where they cuddled. Claire wrapped her arms around Shannon from behind, their bodies fitting together in the perfect spooning position.
Shannon held one of Claire’s hands tightly between her breasts. The intimacy felt still intact as Claire studied the freckles spattered across Shannon’s shoulders. They were breathing in time with one another, partners in this moment.
“Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, save it for a rainy day.” Shannon sang. “Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, never let it fade away.”
Claire wasn’t disturbed by this song reappearing in her life out of the blue. Other than holding Shannon’s hand a little tighter she didn’t react to the emotional baggage she usually attached to the song. She allowed it to lull her into a peaceful and deep sleep.
*
When Claire awoke the next morning it wasn’t to the pleasing sight she had been anticipating. She had been expecting to wake with Shannon’s firm rear flush against her crotch. Their hands would still be joined and Shannon’s hair would obscure Claire’s vision. Her nakedness would be Claire’s to behold and maybe they would do their unusual dance again.
All of these thoughts led to Claire waking up with a smile on her face. This quickly disappeared when she discovered what was providing heat to her body was an inanimate blanket. Her head spun as she made her first attempt to lift it from the pillow. The loft seemed to rock around her making her stomach feel very unsettled. It seemed preferable to simply roll over and attempt to go back to sleep until a time when she felt more capable of walking around. But she had to find Shannon.
Claire discovered the leggy blonde on the other side of the loft, pacing in-and-out of sight behind the privacy screen - which seemed like a waste of space in light of what had happened last night. She was already dressed but her stylish hair was a mess. She held her phone to her ear, concern marking her features. Claire sat up, apparently invisible to Shannon as she continued to speak softly into the phone.
“I’ll be there as soon as possible. I don’t care about my job, I have to see him. Yes, goddammit Sabrina I’m coming. Whatever. I’ll see you soon.” She ended the call and lowered the phone from her ear as her other hand reached up to cover her mouth. Claire noticed for the first time how red her eyes were.
“What’s going on?” Claire asked.
“My brother was in a plane accident.” Shannon replied. “He’s at the hospital but they don’t know how much time he has left so I have to go, I have to see him.”
Claire couldn’t recall Shannon ever mentioning a brother before. Claire felt very uncomfortable in her nudity and covered herself with the sheet, no longer wanting to be exposed in front of someone who seemed like a total stranger. Claire had forgotten how little she knew her roommate. But how could Shannon be such a stranger when she had seemed to know Claire better than anyone else under the cover of darkness.
“Your brother, where is he?” Claire asked.
“America.” Shannon didn’t look up as she spoke; she was too busy throwing things into bags at a frantic state.
“America.” Claire repeated. “Wow. So how long do you think you’ll be over there?”
“I don’t know, I don’t even know if I’ll be coming back, it’s all up in the air right now.” Shannon stated.
That cold look which had been on her face when they had first met was back. Claire held the blanket closer to her body as she watched everything they had ever shared disappearing. Shannon had never been looking for a companion; she had only needed a place to crash. The time they had spent living together had run its course, just how it would be with any other pair of roommates.
“Okay.” Claire bit her bottom lip, willing herself to hold the tears in.
“I’ll see you…” Shannon departed the loft less than fifty minutes later without any kind of fond last look at Claire. She drove away with all of her things packed back into her ex-boyfriend’s car.
Claire couldn’t move for the remaining hours of the day. She felt numb - but at least she wasn’t thinking about the baby anymore.
*
Hannah placed another box on the ground, there was quite a collection building now. She straightened up, wiping the sweat from her brow. “That’s the last one.”
Claire looked up from the kitchen of her new flat and grinned. Her new home finally had belongings in it. “Brilliant, thanks so much. Why don’t you go back down to the car and I’ll grab my wallet and buy us some ice-creams?”
“Sounds good to me.” Hannah shrugged, turning and moving for the exit.
Claire took a little longer to leave the flat. Instead of going straight to the door she stood in the middle of the floor, absorbing her surroundings. The loft had defined her for too long, but now she had been given the chance to move on and start a new chapter in her life.
She hadn’t heard from Shannon in over eleven weeks. She was continuing to avoid seeing the baby. She had given up on thinking Thomas would return.
But none of that mattered anymore. This was a new beginning for her, an opportunity to leave all of this behind. The optimism swelled within her as she locked the door, she could hardly wait to return.
“Hi.”
She turned to find a man standing at the door opposite hers, smiling at her. She couldn’t help blushing at the brightness of his smile. “Hi.”
“Are you moving in?” He asked in a thick British accent.
“Yeah, just today.” She replied.
“Oh great, I’m your neighbour.” He stated. “I’m Charlie.” He stuck his hand out and she grasped it without hesitation.
The End.