Recreational Magic Use Can Be Detrimental to Your Health, for H/C Bingo and comment-fic
Title: Recreational Magic Use Can Be Detrimental to Your Health
Fandom: Merlin
Rating: PG
Characters/pairings: Gwaine, Arthur, Gaius, Merlin, background Gwaine/half of Camelot
Warnings (including spoilers): Naked Gwaine. And how.
Wordcount: 1,360 words
Author’s Note: Written for the ‘Magical trouble’ square of my hc_bingo card, but inspired by the comment_fic prompt ‘Gwaine is hit with a curse that destroys any garment he wears. Nobody is unhappy about this until he goes into battle unprotected.’
Summary: Merlin’s prank goes a little awry, but luckily, most people seem okay with the results. That is, until Camelot comes under attack.
[*]
Arthur’s favorite knights, sitting around a table at their usual pub, agreed it was a very heroic act, throwing oneself in front of a spell directed at one’s king. Arthur was there for that, unfortunately, his face bright red, when Gwaine joked it was probably better this way, for everyone’s sakes.
He only blushed redder when Gwaine winked at him as he got up to fetch another pitcher of ale. The knights all turned away from the sight of their friend’s pale bottom as he headed to the counter, making the bar lady stammer ferociously.
Once they returned to the castle, the knights dispersed to tell the story to the enthralled inhabitants of the castle, while Gwaine flounced his naked self around the courtyard until Arthur shouted at him to get himself indoors. Gwaine grinned and bowed, inspiring another round of gasps from the ladies behind him, then obeyed the command.
Arthur stormed off to Gaius’s rooms to ‘seek advice’ from the old man, ignoring the rather obvious sounds of his manservant trying to eavesdrop.
“It’s magic Gaius! I’ll not have any of my knights being made fools of by some warmongering sorcerer.”
“My lord…” Gaius chose his words carefully. “This sounds more like a prank than an act of war. Perhaps the sorcerer in question wasn’t trying to attack?”
“I don’t care why it happened, I just want it gone!” Arthur seethed. “Do you know of any way to fix it?”
“I shall consult my books, sire.”
“Thank you Gaius.” Arthur glared at the giggling from Merlin’s rooms and waited until it cut off suddenly. “Sounds like you’ve got vermin in here.”
“I’ll set Merlin on cleaning right away.”
Arthur left and Merlin tumbled out of his room, to be met by a very stern-looking Gaius and his eyebrows. “Merlin?” he said accusingly.
“It was a joke, I swear!” Merlin tried unsuccessfully to hide his laughter. “I was aiming for Arthur.”
“How many times do I have to tell you, your magic is not meant for practical jokes! If you had been caught-”
“But I wasn’t, it’s harmless fun,” Merlin wheedled. “I can turn it off right now.” He concentrated, then said a few words that made his eyes glow gold. “There. All gone.”
“You’ll still be doing all the tidying up for the next week,” Gaius told him. “Now come with me. We need to give Sir Gwaine a poultice to explain why he is able to wear clothes again!”
[*]
The next morning, Merlin was fetching Arthur’s breakfast when he heard a chorus of squeals from the next hallway. He turned the corner and nearly dropped the tray when he encountered a very naked knight. “Ah, Merlin, what’s for breakfast?” Gwaine popped a grape off Arthur’s plate into his mouth.
“But… the poultice!” Merlin said quickly. “We fixed it!”
Gwaine shrugged. “Guess it’s the kind of spell that hangs around. S’okay; I don’t mind.” He gave Merlin a winning smile and continued toward the kitchens.
Merlin slumped back against a wall. “Gaius is going to kill me.”
[*]
Despite everything Merlin tried, Gwaine remained naked for the next week. Any item of clothing he put on turned to dust, even the sheet one particularly shocked maid threw over him. Most people got used to averting their eyes, but Gwaine- and many of the ladies in the castle and a few of the lads- seemed to be enjoying the predicament.
“I can’t use m’blankets anymore, but I have no trouble stayin’ warm,” the knight joked.
[*]
“We’re under attack!” The messenger shot onto the practice field from the outer wall. “There’s a whole pack of griffins gathering south of the village!”
“Arm up!” Arthur shouted to his men. Merlin ran to fetch the king’s armor and weapons, but when he returned he found there was another problem. A servant was trying to help Gwaine put on his armor, but the chainmail was deteriorating as it rested on his skin, and just as Merlin arrived a large chuck fell off and clanged on the ground.
“I can fight without, my lord,” Gwaine was saying. Merlin looked around anxiously. Leon and Elyan were on patrol to the northeast and Percival didn’t have the leadership abilities to help Arthur lead a charge. They had other knights, of course, but Arthur’s plans of attack- and thus the core of the knights’ training- usually involved the king and one of his top fighters leading the approach.
“No, that’s far too dangerous,” Arthur told Gwaine. “You’ll have to stay behind.”
“But Arthur-”
“We don’t have time,” the king cut him off. “Fall out!”
Arthur and his men mounted their horses and rode south. Gwaine turned to Merlin, clearly distressed. “I don’t know what I’ll do if I can’t fight,” he said quietly.
“We’ll sort this,” Merlin told him. “I know we will.”
He ran off toward the castle. Gaius was always in his rooms that time of day, and luckily his schedule had not changed. Merlin found him stewing up a flu remedy when he burst into the room, panting.
“What in heaven’s name are you doing, boy?”
Merlin was rifling through Gaius’ books on magical creatures. “Griffins attacking, Arthur went off to fight, Gwaine can’t wear armor. Help?”
Gaius nudged him aside and pulled a small volume from one of his many bookcases. “Griffins, I do believe- yes, here they are!”
“What is it, what does it say?” Merlin tried to read over his shoulder.
“If you would calm down for a moment, I could tell you!” Gaius adjusted his glasses on his long nose. “Now. This author explains that griffins are holy creatures, blessed by the gods for their nobility and honesty.”
“If they’re so noble, why are they attacking Camelot?”
“They are likely searching for some evildoer,” Gaius decided, studying the book. “Most likely someone they perceive as having wronged the gods.”
“So what do we do?”
Gaius glared. “I’m sure I don’t know. I’ve never encountered a griffin before!”
Merlin though very hard. “I’ve got it! But- no, Gwaine still can’t wear clothes!”
“There is one spell we could try, but it tends to have a side effect,” Gaius pondered. “Here.” He pulled out another text and laid it on the table at a specific page.
Merlin read hurriedly and then paled. “Gaius…”
“Do you want to protect the kingdom or not?” his guardian demanded.
Merlin groaned, but closed his eyes and began to speak.
[*]
Three hours later, Arthur entered Gaius’ rooms calling for his manservant. “What happened in here?” he asked in disgust. The room was covered with dirt and rubbish. A roach skittered across the floor and Arthur pulled back his boot.
Merlin poked his head out from Gaius’ workbench as the man himself emerged from his sleeping area. “Merlin seems to have been very lazy with his cleaning lately,” Gaius said severely.
Arthur eyed the filthy room once more, mentally comparing it to what it had looked like a week ago and deciding he didn’t want to know. “I just thought you might want an update. Gwaine defeated the griffins by dressing up as a priest and assuring them of the piety of Camelot’s inhabitants.”
Gaius’ eyebrows climbed halfway up his forehead. “It sounds most unlikely, sire.”
Arthur grinned. “I thought it was hilarious. Too bad you couldn’t see it, Merlin,” the king called, leaning against the table. Then he stumbled and nearly fell over as one of its legs snapped. There was a huge clatter as everything on the table hit the floor. Merlin winced.
Arthur dusted himself off. “I should be going,” he declared, trying to cling to his dignity. “I only wanted to thank you, Gaius, for whatever you did to break the spell on Gwaine.”
“Of course, sire.” Once the king was gone, Gaius turned to glare at Merlin harder than ever. “You used magic to fix the table, too?”
“How could I know I’d need to cast a universal reversal spell?” Merlin protested. “And it worked, didn’t it?”
“All the cleaning for a month!” Gaius thundered. “And no magic!”
Outside the door, Arthur chuckled before continuing on his way.
My H/C Bingo Card