Steps of a Slow Dance, for Love Bingo and my sexuality class
Title: Steps of a Slow Dance
Fandom: Torchwood
Rating: PG
Characters/pairings: Ianto/Jack
Warnings: Spoilers for Something Borrowed, Cyberwoman,
Wordcount: 2,114 words
Author’s note: This was one of the most difficult fics I’ve written in a while, mostly because I knew I would have to hand it in to a teacher at the end of it. The prompts were pretty difficult to write a fic around, and I’ve come to realize that my fic writing style and my homework-assignment writing style are miles apart. The prompt was ‘love story’ and we had to incorporate something from the documentary Science of Sex Appeal, something from the TedTalk ‘Helen Fisher Tells us Why we Love and Cheat,’ and something in our textbook, from which I chose Stenberg’s Theory of Love and various qualities of relationship compatibility. Oh, and a five page limit, which turned this from a 5+1 times fic into a 3+4/4 times fic.
Author's note 2: Written for the love_bingo square 'Love story' and for my Study of Human Sexuality class, so help me God.
Summary: Three ways Ianto and Jack make a good couple, and a few reasons they do not.
[*]
Cold storage in the Hub is the quietest place Ianto’s ever been. Quieter than libraries, empty fields in the middle of nowhere, quieter than any other morgue he’s been to, and there have been a few. It gets to the point where the silence is so loud his ears hurt, and he lets the Nostrovite’s temporary storage drawer close just a bit louder than he has to, relief rushing from the breaking silence.
He sighs, presses his forehead against the icy metal of the wall. He can still feel the warmth of Jack’s arms around him, can still hear the ghostlike strains of a love song that he certainly did not put into the queue himself. Jack’s breath tickles his neck, and he looks around the morgue self-consciously.
As he heads back up to the main Hub, Ianto tries to figure out what it was about tonight that has got him so… confused? Conflicted? Unsettled, definitely. Dancing with Jack should have been nothing; the rest of the team knows about them and no one else at the party will remember, so why was he so self-conscious? Why was he so aware that they’d danced for two songs of eight minutes and twelve seconds total? Why is he loitering at the doorway to the Hub like a schoolgirl waiting on a crush?
Ianto forces himself up the steps to Jack’s office, pausing at the top. Jack has that box open, the one Ianto searched through in a fit of righteous anger when his captain had vanished. Jack's expression as he leafs through the photographs is one of happy nostalgia, and he hasn't noticed Ianto's appearance.
For an instant, in the silence of the Hub, Ianto feels like a ghost. He retreats down the stairs and sits down in Gwen's chair, lost in thought.
There are dozens of photos in that tin, photos of Jack throughout the last century, often accompanied by someone else. Back in the dark days of Jack's absence, the photos had been proof that their relationship had meant nothing to Jack, that he'd been abandoned just when he was starting to feel some measure of security again. Now, the reappearance of the box summons the question from the darkness of the Hub: will Ianto eventually take his place beside those old photographs?
A list, then. Lists are quantitative as well as qualitative. Items which seem most important can be underlined for extra weight, but in the end you have a solid comparison of numbers, and hopefully a clear answer. Assuming the criteria of a person Jack would want to remember, why would Ianto measure up?
He starts with the pros-perhaps it’s pessimistic, but Ianto thinks it’s better to enjoy the positives for a few moments before crushing one’s dreams.
1. They have a great sex life
Really a no-brainer, with Jack. The immortal man has made it very clear he finds Ianto attractive-along with most anyone else who crosses his path-but Ianto was honestly surprised by the way he felt about Jack, back in the beginning. Everything about him screamed MALE, from his commanding walk, broad shoulders and piercing gaze, to the deep, flirty tones he used when his eyes caught on Ianto’s suit.
Last year, with Lisa still consuming most of Ianto’s waking thoughts, he tried to convince himself that the attraction was very much one-sided. He forced himself to think of Lisa’s flowery perfume, her curves that he loved to touch, anything to distract himself from Jack’s spiky gelled hair and the line of his braces down his chest. The idea that he could be attracted to someone else while Lisa’s life hung in the balance was nauseating.
Once Lisa was gone, it took a while for Ianto to get over the guilt that he couldn’t save her. Talking to Jack was a large part of what got him through the month on suspension with nothing to distract him from his grief. He came to realize that there was nothing he could have done for Lisa, and while he still mourned her, he could acknowledge that he was not to blame for her death. Accepting that cleared the way for Ianto to recognize his feelings for Jack, as well.
Ever since the night he summed up the courage to proposition Jack-Ianto blushes where he sits, as he does whenever he remembers the stopwatch-they’ve spent a lot of time in each other’s beds. Being with Jack is creative and exciting and makes him feel complete.
2. They work well together
Not the typical marker of a good relationship, but in Torchwood, a necessary one. From the moment he was hired, Ianto has tried to anticipate the needs of the team, from restocking the SUV to memorizing meal orders. No business can run purely on heroics, not even Torchwood, and Ianto keeps everything running as smoothly as possible.
When he first arrived, Torchwood was in disarray. The team made occasional, half-hearted attempts to organize, but it fell to Ianto to get paperwork to people and from people on time, collect and fill requisitions, and send communications to sister agencies. Gwen’s hiring has taken Cardiff Police out of his purview, but keeping Jack from running roughshod over the Home Office still takes up a few hours every week.
He didn’t discover Flat Holm until Jack left. Taking care of the residents of the island was exhausting when they were already a man down, but once Jack came back Ianto refused to relinquish his post. He’d gotten attached to the damaged people Torchwood tried to rebuild, and Jack was grateful not to have to do it alone. Their first date took place after they delivered a new Rift victim to the island, and while it didn’t have the romantic atmosphere he might have desired, it was fitting for them, and Ianto couldn’t have honestly expected any different.
Their relationship really isn’t something he can analyze outside of Torchwood, because so little of it takes place in the ‘real world.’ Free time is spent scouring Archive files together, or going on Weevil hunts or, Heaven forbid they ever have a truly free afternoon, grocery runs. They fit best when Jack’s barking out orders to contain some unknown creature, or when Ianto teases subtly over a cup of coffee. They’re not typical, and Ianto can embrace it, even though he remembers the life he’d planned with Lisa.
3. They care about each other
They’re both horrible about showing it, but they do. Jack cares for everyone on his team, and ever since Lisa died he’s made an effort to ensure that Ianto’s been included. Besides Gwen, none of them really has anyone on the outside, and for all that Torchwood likes to tear itself apart from the inside, they are a tight-knit group. Since Jack returned from his trip with the Doctor, he’s been a lot more willing to show that he cares about them, not with team-building camping trips, but with honest interest in their lives. It went a long way toward healing the rift that his disappearance had caused, and Ianto knows they all appreciate it.
When it comes to them, Jack’s been a lot more open. After the initial shock of his return, Jack spoke to him about where he’d gone, what had happened while he was away. For a man who kept details of his past locked up like a miser, the revelation was incredible.
The conversation should have been terribly awkward. Ianto has never known how to handle emotional intimacy with Jack-it feels very different than it did with Lisa, and it’s not like he’s had much practice with Jack. But the captain’s earnest desire to talk made him feel at ease. That and Jack saying he missed him.
Ianto really did miss Jack. They all did, the whole team, but Ianto was the only one who had to miss late nights of coffee and conversation and early mornings of slow kisses and over-buttered toast. He’d told himself it was more convenient to stay overnight, but when Jack was gone and he still found himself breathing in the man’s pillow, it was time to admit that it was more than just sex.
Not that he knows how to say it. While Jack has scratched the bottom of the barrel and found some basic relationship skills since he came back, Ianto's grand accomplishment thus far has been to awkwardly interrupt Jack and Gwen's dance. But he has time to work on it.
And that leads to the cons. Ianto frowns, glancing up at Jack’s office, but the other man has not emerged. Still looking at those pictures, probably, the ones he’s never mentioned to Ianto. Just one of his many secrets, the decades of his past he refuses to talk about. Ianto tries, or used to, but the ‘Guess Jack’s Past’ game was worn out before he even joined. It’s safer to let him talk of his own accord; the problem is that he never does.
There are things in Ianto’s past he doesn’t want to talk about: his family, most of his childhood, anything before he moved to London, really. But he’d talk about music he likes, places he wants to go, dreams he had when he was young, if he wasn’t afraid of that ‘you quaint people’ look Jack always gets.
Speaking of which… he sighs and thinks back to Jack’s photos. There have been so many men and women throughout the years for Jack. The one part of his past he is willing to talk about-and at length-is how sexually free the future is, how monogamy and sexual orientation are social constructs long since abandoned. The idea of sleeping with-caring about-a man is already stretching the limits of what Ianto’s been brought up to accept, and the idea of an open relationship on top of it is unbelievable. The way Jack talks, Ianto’s sure that’s what the other man wants, but he doesn’t know how to say he doesn’t want it as well.
Jack is hard to speak to, and even harder to disagree with. The only one who manages it on a regular basis is Gwen, and Ianto doesn’t particularly want to invite shouting matches into his relationship, even if Jack seems to be comfortable communicating that way. With Lisa, it felt far easier to simply bring up problems, although he had to avoid the typical men’s mistakes of being inconsiderate or sounding like he was blaming her. Then, at least, the worst she would do would be a short tantrum or a demand that he sleep on the couch. With Jack, Ianto doesn’t know if he’ll still have a relationship after that talk, or if he does, will it lose the easy intimacy they seem to have gained since Jack’s return?
1. They keep secrets from each other
2. Have entirely different cultural conceptions of relationships
3. Don’t communicate well
4. And the ‘no labels’ thing really only works for one of them
Quantitatively, this isn’t a good relationship. Ianto mentally underlines ‘Care about each other,’ but then underlines ‘Cultural conceptions of relationships,’ ‘Communication’ and ‘It’s complicated’ and scowls.
“Those pets will still be gone in the morning.”
Ianto jumps, then stares at Jack in confusion. Amused, the captain gestures at the wall where Ianto was directing his ire, and Gwen’s thumbtack diagram of Cardiff’s disappearing animal phenomenon comes into focus.
Ianto sits up straight and straightens his tie, flustered. “I was, erm, thinking about today.”
“So was I,” Jack replies. He looks at peace, for once, and he reaches out a steady hand for Ianto to stand, and then he doesn’t let go. He pulls Ianto close, guiding him into their dancing positions from the wedding. Ianto colors immediately.
“There’s no music,” he mumbles, but Jack shushes him and starts to lead.
After the first few awkward moments, Ianto relaxes, and his mind starts to clear. The only sound in the Hub is their footsteps, their breathing, their clothes brushing together, but the silence isn’t intimidating anymore. It’s the Hub, and it’s them. He and Jack have always communicated without words, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Ianto thinks about his list as he breaths in Jack’s incomparable scent. Quantitatively, the negatives outweigh the positives, and he’s not one to ignore the facts. Except, Lisa’s ghost reminds him, he really is. He nearly destroyed the world for love before, and this time, it’s only his life that hangs in the balance.
Ianto tightens his hold and feels an answering squeeze from Jack. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and forgets about the list.
My Love Bingo Card
Fandom: Torchwood
Rating: PG
Characters/pairings: Ianto/Jack
Warnings: Spoilers for Something Borrowed, Cyberwoman,
Wordcount: 2,114 words
Author’s note: This was one of the most difficult fics I’ve written in a while, mostly because I knew I would have to hand it in to a teacher at the end of it. The prompts were pretty difficult to write a fic around, and I’ve come to realize that my fic writing style and my homework-assignment writing style are miles apart. The prompt was ‘love story’ and we had to incorporate something from the documentary Science of Sex Appeal, something from the TedTalk ‘Helen Fisher Tells us Why we Love and Cheat,’ and something in our textbook, from which I chose Stenberg’s Theory of Love and various qualities of relationship compatibility. Oh, and a five page limit, which turned this from a 5+1 times fic into a 3+4/4 times fic.
Author's note 2: Written for the love_bingo square 'Love story' and for my Study of Human Sexuality class, so help me God.
Summary: Three ways Ianto and Jack make a good couple, and a few reasons they do not.
[*]
Cold storage in the Hub is the quietest place Ianto’s ever been. Quieter than libraries, empty fields in the middle of nowhere, quieter than any other morgue he’s been to, and there have been a few. It gets to the point where the silence is so loud his ears hurt, and he lets the Nostrovite’s temporary storage drawer close just a bit louder than he has to, relief rushing from the breaking silence.
He sighs, presses his forehead against the icy metal of the wall. He can still feel the warmth of Jack’s arms around him, can still hear the ghostlike strains of a love song that he certainly did not put into the queue himself. Jack’s breath tickles his neck, and he looks around the morgue self-consciously.
As he heads back up to the main Hub, Ianto tries to figure out what it was about tonight that has got him so… confused? Conflicted? Unsettled, definitely. Dancing with Jack should have been nothing; the rest of the team knows about them and no one else at the party will remember, so why was he so self-conscious? Why was he so aware that they’d danced for two songs of eight minutes and twelve seconds total? Why is he loitering at the doorway to the Hub like a schoolgirl waiting on a crush?
Ianto forces himself up the steps to Jack’s office, pausing at the top. Jack has that box open, the one Ianto searched through in a fit of righteous anger when his captain had vanished. Jack's expression as he leafs through the photographs is one of happy nostalgia, and he hasn't noticed Ianto's appearance.
For an instant, in the silence of the Hub, Ianto feels like a ghost. He retreats down the stairs and sits down in Gwen's chair, lost in thought.
There are dozens of photos in that tin, photos of Jack throughout the last century, often accompanied by someone else. Back in the dark days of Jack's absence, the photos had been proof that their relationship had meant nothing to Jack, that he'd been abandoned just when he was starting to feel some measure of security again. Now, the reappearance of the box summons the question from the darkness of the Hub: will Ianto eventually take his place beside those old photographs?
A list, then. Lists are quantitative as well as qualitative. Items which seem most important can be underlined for extra weight, but in the end you have a solid comparison of numbers, and hopefully a clear answer. Assuming the criteria of a person Jack would want to remember, why would Ianto measure up?
He starts with the pros-perhaps it’s pessimistic, but Ianto thinks it’s better to enjoy the positives for a few moments before crushing one’s dreams.
1. They have a great sex life
Really a no-brainer, with Jack. The immortal man has made it very clear he finds Ianto attractive-along with most anyone else who crosses his path-but Ianto was honestly surprised by the way he felt about Jack, back in the beginning. Everything about him screamed MALE, from his commanding walk, broad shoulders and piercing gaze, to the deep, flirty tones he used when his eyes caught on Ianto’s suit.
Last year, with Lisa still consuming most of Ianto’s waking thoughts, he tried to convince himself that the attraction was very much one-sided. He forced himself to think of Lisa’s flowery perfume, her curves that he loved to touch, anything to distract himself from Jack’s spiky gelled hair and the line of his braces down his chest. The idea that he could be attracted to someone else while Lisa’s life hung in the balance was nauseating.
Once Lisa was gone, it took a while for Ianto to get over the guilt that he couldn’t save her. Talking to Jack was a large part of what got him through the month on suspension with nothing to distract him from his grief. He came to realize that there was nothing he could have done for Lisa, and while he still mourned her, he could acknowledge that he was not to blame for her death. Accepting that cleared the way for Ianto to recognize his feelings for Jack, as well.
Ever since the night he summed up the courage to proposition Jack-Ianto blushes where he sits, as he does whenever he remembers the stopwatch-they’ve spent a lot of time in each other’s beds. Being with Jack is creative and exciting and makes him feel complete.
2. They work well together
Not the typical marker of a good relationship, but in Torchwood, a necessary one. From the moment he was hired, Ianto has tried to anticipate the needs of the team, from restocking the SUV to memorizing meal orders. No business can run purely on heroics, not even Torchwood, and Ianto keeps everything running as smoothly as possible.
When he first arrived, Torchwood was in disarray. The team made occasional, half-hearted attempts to organize, but it fell to Ianto to get paperwork to people and from people on time, collect and fill requisitions, and send communications to sister agencies. Gwen’s hiring has taken Cardiff Police out of his purview, but keeping Jack from running roughshod over the Home Office still takes up a few hours every week.
He didn’t discover Flat Holm until Jack left. Taking care of the residents of the island was exhausting when they were already a man down, but once Jack came back Ianto refused to relinquish his post. He’d gotten attached to the damaged people Torchwood tried to rebuild, and Jack was grateful not to have to do it alone. Their first date took place after they delivered a new Rift victim to the island, and while it didn’t have the romantic atmosphere he might have desired, it was fitting for them, and Ianto couldn’t have honestly expected any different.
Their relationship really isn’t something he can analyze outside of Torchwood, because so little of it takes place in the ‘real world.’ Free time is spent scouring Archive files together, or going on Weevil hunts or, Heaven forbid they ever have a truly free afternoon, grocery runs. They fit best when Jack’s barking out orders to contain some unknown creature, or when Ianto teases subtly over a cup of coffee. They’re not typical, and Ianto can embrace it, even though he remembers the life he’d planned with Lisa.
3. They care about each other
They’re both horrible about showing it, but they do. Jack cares for everyone on his team, and ever since Lisa died he’s made an effort to ensure that Ianto’s been included. Besides Gwen, none of them really has anyone on the outside, and for all that Torchwood likes to tear itself apart from the inside, they are a tight-knit group. Since Jack returned from his trip with the Doctor, he’s been a lot more willing to show that he cares about them, not with team-building camping trips, but with honest interest in their lives. It went a long way toward healing the rift that his disappearance had caused, and Ianto knows they all appreciate it.
When it comes to them, Jack’s been a lot more open. After the initial shock of his return, Jack spoke to him about where he’d gone, what had happened while he was away. For a man who kept details of his past locked up like a miser, the revelation was incredible.
The conversation should have been terribly awkward. Ianto has never known how to handle emotional intimacy with Jack-it feels very different than it did with Lisa, and it’s not like he’s had much practice with Jack. But the captain’s earnest desire to talk made him feel at ease. That and Jack saying he missed him.
Ianto really did miss Jack. They all did, the whole team, but Ianto was the only one who had to miss late nights of coffee and conversation and early mornings of slow kisses and over-buttered toast. He’d told himself it was more convenient to stay overnight, but when Jack was gone and he still found himself breathing in the man’s pillow, it was time to admit that it was more than just sex.
Not that he knows how to say it. While Jack has scratched the bottom of the barrel and found some basic relationship skills since he came back, Ianto's grand accomplishment thus far has been to awkwardly interrupt Jack and Gwen's dance. But he has time to work on it.
And that leads to the cons. Ianto frowns, glancing up at Jack’s office, but the other man has not emerged. Still looking at those pictures, probably, the ones he’s never mentioned to Ianto. Just one of his many secrets, the decades of his past he refuses to talk about. Ianto tries, or used to, but the ‘Guess Jack’s Past’ game was worn out before he even joined. It’s safer to let him talk of his own accord; the problem is that he never does.
There are things in Ianto’s past he doesn’t want to talk about: his family, most of his childhood, anything before he moved to London, really. But he’d talk about music he likes, places he wants to go, dreams he had when he was young, if he wasn’t afraid of that ‘you quaint people’ look Jack always gets.
Speaking of which… he sighs and thinks back to Jack’s photos. There have been so many men and women throughout the years for Jack. The one part of his past he is willing to talk about-and at length-is how sexually free the future is, how monogamy and sexual orientation are social constructs long since abandoned. The idea of sleeping with-caring about-a man is already stretching the limits of what Ianto’s been brought up to accept, and the idea of an open relationship on top of it is unbelievable. The way Jack talks, Ianto’s sure that’s what the other man wants, but he doesn’t know how to say he doesn’t want it as well.
Jack is hard to speak to, and even harder to disagree with. The only one who manages it on a regular basis is Gwen, and Ianto doesn’t particularly want to invite shouting matches into his relationship, even if Jack seems to be comfortable communicating that way. With Lisa, it felt far easier to simply bring up problems, although he had to avoid the typical men’s mistakes of being inconsiderate or sounding like he was blaming her. Then, at least, the worst she would do would be a short tantrum or a demand that he sleep on the couch. With Jack, Ianto doesn’t know if he’ll still have a relationship after that talk, or if he does, will it lose the easy intimacy they seem to have gained since Jack’s return?
1. They keep secrets from each other
2. Have entirely different cultural conceptions of relationships
3. Don’t communicate well
4. And the ‘no labels’ thing really only works for one of them
Quantitatively, this isn’t a good relationship. Ianto mentally underlines ‘Care about each other,’ but then underlines ‘Cultural conceptions of relationships,’ ‘Communication’ and ‘It’s complicated’ and scowls.
“Those pets will still be gone in the morning.”
Ianto jumps, then stares at Jack in confusion. Amused, the captain gestures at the wall where Ianto was directing his ire, and Gwen’s thumbtack diagram of Cardiff’s disappearing animal phenomenon comes into focus.
Ianto sits up straight and straightens his tie, flustered. “I was, erm, thinking about today.”
“So was I,” Jack replies. He looks at peace, for once, and he reaches out a steady hand for Ianto to stand, and then he doesn’t let go. He pulls Ianto close, guiding him into their dancing positions from the wedding. Ianto colors immediately.
“There’s no music,” he mumbles, but Jack shushes him and starts to lead.
After the first few awkward moments, Ianto relaxes, and his mind starts to clear. The only sound in the Hub is their footsteps, their breathing, their clothes brushing together, but the silence isn’t intimidating anymore. It’s the Hub, and it’s them. He and Jack have always communicated without words, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Ianto thinks about his list as he breaths in Jack’s incomparable scent. Quantitatively, the negatives outweigh the positives, and he’s not one to ignore the facts. Except, Lisa’s ghost reminds him, he really is. He nearly destroyed the world for love before, and this time, it’s only his life that hangs in the balance.
Ianto tightens his hold and feels an answering squeeze from Jack. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and forgets about the list.
My Love Bingo Card