(no subject)
pat inspired my to be meaningful for once on this thing. so not as to look like a shameless copier but more as an "inspired friend" i am letting you all know in advance- i got the meaningfull thing from him. you can all stop reading
so recently i started therapy which i like and i started going to for a number of reasons, some of which being my parents, and some of which being my incredible unbearable unhappiness at points. which i know sounds pathetic. and ott. but what can i say- im an ott kind of girl. which gets me to thinking- i kind of am. i have to do everything to excess which is why a lot of the time i do nothing. im not obsessive, but when im doing something i always feel like i have to do it right or its not worth doing, and that goes for everything- from my chemical excesses (im talking about the booze) to the fact that when my mom takes out her album collection i lock myself for hours in the blue room upstairs- just listening and listening so that i can finish all of them, or even that i do no work in school most of the time, and midterms roll along and i study my ass off and i do amazingly well.
thats just how i am. but im thinking that i need to accept that, instead of pretending to be someone im not. instead of pretending that when people i care about try and hit me with barbed words- to my face or behind my back- that i dont care because im just that strong. im tired of fake laughing when i want to yell, or cry. im tired of just sitting back and taking it when i need desperately to just do something. because i am capable of being something better than what i feel reduced to sometimes, and the reason i am capable of that is because i am ott. because i dont just let things wash over me- i make things happen. because i dont wait for people to come to me, or expect everything to come easy. because i am willing to try harder when i feel like something is going wrong.
and my therapist said to me that this part of my personality is good, and i need to utilize it to extract myself from situations where i am unhappy. i got up the courage to speak to my parents about the things that i was unhappy with in my life with them, and they are listening and making an effort.
so now i need to use that courage to make desicions in other areas of my life where i am unhappy. so just to let you all know- i have made a desicion. i am not going to be afraid of being alone because i doubt myself. i am not going to accept cruelty where it is unwarranted, and more, i am not allowing that cruelty to reach my friends, because i know that without them, i would not be able to know my own strength.
lastly- i am going to welcome my excesses, because they are a part of who i am.