[FIC] Raison d'être - Chapter 5 pt. 3
I’m weak.
I don’t remember what happened in the next minutes that followed, but I soon found myself face down on my bed with Yunho, who was entirely naked, pressing behind me. And then I felt something hot and wet and hard poking at my puckered hole and I didn’t resist.
Why can’t I say no to him?
I flinched and stilled as my stepfather’s cock slid in all the way into my warmth in one push. I tried to breathe through the pain and uneasy, but it was hard to hold back my tears. Though after a few moments, when Yunho gave his first thrust, I realized that it wasn’t as painful as the first time, probably due to the lubricant and “practice”.
The pain disappeared and in a few minutes, I was panting and moaning. Yunho had quickened his pace and his movements were becoming stronger and deeper.
Why am I enjoying this?
The only sounds resonating in my tiny sombre bedroom were our mixed sounds of pleasure as he continued to thrust erratically into my quivering body. My stomach pressed against the mattress as my sweaty hands clenched around my damp bed sheets. I felt my climax rising closer and closer to the surface with each forceful thrust. And judging by the amount of force the taller man behind me was using to slam directly against my prostate, I could tell that he was close to completion too.
All the while keeping his erratic tempo, Yunho leaned over my body to press small hot kisses to my arched back and I pressed my sweat-soaked face into the pillow beneath me to muffle my moans.
“I love you BooJae.”
My eyes opened and despite the intense waves of pleasure coursing through my body and the amazing feeling of Yunho’s length sliding in and out of me, I could feel the familiar burning of fresh tears pressing against the back of my eyes. No matter how hard I tried to close my eyes and concentrate on this moment and its feeling, I couldn’t stop repeating the same words in my head.
He’s just saying that out of lust.
I shouldn’t be enjoying this…
This isn’t right…
Why am I hurting Eomma again?
I knew that my special relationship with Yunho was anything but right. I had known that from the very first time he had pressed his lips to mine. Our “love” would be considered inappropriate and shameful in today’s society. I knew that Eomma would be disgusted if she ever discovered my secret and she would probably loath me forever. I had betrayed her trust and love in the worst manner possible… Not only once but twice now.
All because I had become Yunho’s lover…
…though he was my stepfather…
And I couldn’t help it.
With a choked cry of despair, as the sound of my heart breaking rung in my head, I pushed myself upwards with a newfound force of determination and shove Yunho off of my body. Shock clearly written on his face, my stepfather fell back and off the edge of the bed. Before he could react, I jumped out of bed and grabbed the closest articles of clothing that my shaking hand could reach. I wrapped my school uniform dress shirt around me and pulled on my pants, which I had both left on the floor before heading to the shower earlier, and I turned to reach for the door. I wanted out of this room as quickly as possible. Away from him.
Just as my fingers brushed against the cold metal of the silver knob, Yunho came up behind me and pushed me not-so-gently against the door. I winced as his hot breath fanned over my neck and his voice, its tone irritated, asked hotly in my ear.
“Why did you do that for Boo?”
The way Yunho said “Boo” caused me to shiver slightly in fright because that wasn’t the way he usually said my name. Whenever he spoke to me, Yunho was always gentle and warm. He would never raise his tone and I had always felt safe with him. But right now, something deep down inside me told me to be careful. Why I wasn’t sure, but I didn’t want to find out.
“We can’t do this Yunho ah”. I said softly in hesitation, my eyes filling with tears. I had been stupid to let this lust of ours get out of hand for a second time and I would do everything in my power to not let it happen again. I didn’t want to feel guilty every time I looked at my mother and saw her smiling at Yunho. I didn’t want to think of what he and I had done together in the heat of passion every time I heard Eomma say “I love you” to me and think of just how much she would hate me if she knew. I wanted this to end. This guilt was slowly driving me crazy.
And how much more of it I could take was unsure.
Out the corner of my eye, I saw Yunho’s face scrunch up and I pressed myself closer to the door nervously.
“Why not Jaejoong?” His voice was low and had a cold edge to it. I stared at the floor next to my feet as I paused to search for a good answer.
“Because…” It would hurt to say it aloud. Also, it would be like coming to terms with it. I had never said what happened between us out loud. So admitting this to Yunho would make our reality final. And permanent.
“We can’t do this”, the first tear gently rolled down my cheek as my tone became firmer, “because it’s wrong”.
Yunho laughed at my answer and it made another tear fall.
“Now baby-boo,” my stepfather cooed, “are you still afraid that your mother will catch us? I told you that if we’re careful, that won’t happen”.
I shook my head and wiped away the moisture on my flushed cheek with the back of my hand. I took a breath before I continued in an unsure tone, “Stop Yunho. We swore that it would be just one time. We can’t do this again”.
“Jae-ah,” Yunho sighed with an exasperated shrug of his shoulders. He leaned forward to press his lips to mine, but I was determined not to give in again so I turned my head away at the last moment.
When I turned back after the older man pulled away, I saw something in his eyes that had an ice cube-sliding-down-my-spine effect. I cried out in pain when Yunho suddenly grabbed my forearm in a vice-like grip and pulled me flush against his body. He pulled my chin forward and said, “Come on Jae, she’ll never know. And plus, I know you want it too…” And then he leaned down to kiss me.
No- His tongue forced its way into my mouth.
No- His stronger body pressed mine into the cold wooden door.
No- His fingers slid down to brush the entrance between my butt cheeks.
Stop.
“I said STOP!” The loud sound of a slap echoed in the quiet air of my bedroom and I stared wide-eyed at my hand that remained suspended beside Yunho’s face. The latter, clearly stunned, slowly turned his head back. His left cheek was now marred with an angry red hand print. I gasped and new tears filled my eyes as I tried to reach forward to touch Yunho’s cheek.
“Yunho ah,” I whispered when my fingertips were inches from his face. How could I do that? What’s wrong with-?
The whole side of my face was suddenly shocked with a massive wave of pain and my vision flashed to black for a moment. Before my mind could completely grasped what had happened, my world tilted on its side and my body slumped to the carpeted floor. Everything seemed to be spinning around me at a dizzying speed and I couldn’t focus my gaze on anything. Then a shadow loomed over my body and I squinted hard to see what it was through my daze.
I gasped when Yunho’s enraged, blazing eyes glared into mine with an anger that caused a small whimper of fright to escape my lips. His strong hand shot out and grasped my head by the roots of my hair. The new sting, along with the pain making my temple throb, made me cry out in pure agony. But that didn’t seem to stop my stepfather as he pulled my head back by my hair to slam my skull into the floor.
After the fresh blow to my head, the throbbing became too much and I passed out for a few instants. The pain deemed and I was about to breath a small sigh of relief. But I wasn’t lucky for it the bliss ended too soon. When I opened my eyes again, I was being pulled from the blood-covered carpet - I quickly realized that it was my blood soaking the rug - and I was thrown back onto my bed. I landed hard on my back and my whole body bunched, causing waves of agony to attack my head. When the nausea subsided, I tried to place my badly shaking hands under me to left myself up. I knew I had to get away from Yunho, even if it would be hard in my wounded state.
But my stepfather didn’t seem to be ready to let me go yet as his weight suddenly landed on mine and I left my lungs being pressed down, making it harder to breathe.
“Ah Jaejoong, did you think I would let you go that easily?” His voice made bile reach the back of my throat and I didn’t bother trying to hold back my tears as they overflowed and ran down my red cheeks in small streams.
No matter how much I tried to fight, I couldn’t stop Yunho from flipping my weak body over and pulling my arms painfully behind my back to hold them in place with one of his hands. I closed my eyes tightly and begged Eomma for forgiveness in my mind. Even when I tried to prevent it, I couldn’t stop betraying her. I’m probably the worst kind of son in the world; the kind that loved his mother more than anything, but can’t stop hurting her in every possible way. And I realized just how much at that moment.
If it hadn’t been for me three years ago, Appa would still be here. If I hadn’t been late for school Appa wouldn’t have had to drive me there and then he wouldn’t have been late for work. He probably wouldn’t have sped on his way there so he could arrive on time and he wouldn’t have lost control of his car on a patch of black ice. Because of me, Eomma was alone for a long time and I couldn’t do anything to help her.
But you couldn’t have stopped it. You didn’t know about the ice.
Though somewhere deep in my conscious mind I knew that Appa’s death wasn’t my fault, I could stop blaming myself. All this time, I’ve kept it to inside me. But now, with all the horrible adulterous things I did with Yunho, my stepfather, my mother’s husband, I truly didn’t want to ever face Eomma again. I didn’t deserve her love.
So I didn’t fight back when Yunho pulled my head back with a tight grasp of my hair and bite the tender skin of my neck hard enough to make it bleed. I didn’t move when he pulled my pants down before prying my legs opened and positioning himself at my hidden entrance. I sunk my teeth into the bedspread when he thrust into me with no preparation. I could barely contain my cry of pain. It hurt so much as the older man snapped his hips back and forth into mine with such force. This time he hadn’t bothered using lube and the little amount we had used just before had already dried. The feeling of his length pushing against my dry constricting walls was beyond bearable pain and it took every ounce of my strength not to vomit right there and then.
But I held it all in. I deserved this. This punishment, I deserved it all and more. Because I’m a horrible person and horrible people should always be punished.
Yunho’s hips began to snap forward faster and I muffled my sobs by biting desperately into the side of my hand. The burn was unbelievable and as I clenched my jaw in agony, I wondered where had the gentle, caring Yunho gone. This side of my stepfather, the ugly, monstrous side that only caused me pain scared me more beyond anything else I’ve faced in my lifetime. I wanted to run away, run so far away from the man I had wanted to embrace more than anyone just moments ago. And my heart broke at that realization because I’ve finally understood everything.
I love Yunho. I loved the one person I should have never loved in that sense but still I did. I did and I sincerely wanted to die because of it. I wanted this pain to just kill me and end my suffering.
By the sound of his growls of pleasure and the growing numbness in the lower half of my body, I could tell that Yunho was close to his release. I closed my sore teary eyes and sighed heavily. The pain was about to end and I could finally curl up and sleep, hoping to never have to open my eyes to this hurt-filled world of mine. Eternal sleep was such a seductive and warm idea at the moment, that I hoped God would take some pity on my miserable soul and grant me my freedom.
But just as my stepfather was about to give one final deep thrust and empty himself inside me, the door of my bedroom, which had been closed earlier by Yunho in his haste to get me to the bed, slammed open and my eyes snapped to the person standing in the doorway.
It took a moment for the shock to settle in and instantly the small contents of my stomach lurched forward. I pitifully tried to rise myself up on my elbows before vomiting all over the side of the mattress and the carpeted floor. When I was finally able to raise my head up weakly and gaze at the person still in the doorway, their wide-eyed stunned face stared back at me. I merely parted my lips and whispered a pathetic attempt at an apology.
“Eomma, I’m sorry…”
~*~*~*~* Author's note *~*~*~*~
Finally edited...... =___= Sorry it took so long to do this. I'm really lazy lately.... Hope it's a bit better now (with all of the changes and everything). Last chapter next *DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM....* xDDD Any guess to what's gonna happen? I wanna know what you guys think, so leave a comment with your theory of how YunJae's tragic love story will end. I'm curious to see what you guys can come up with : P
Spoiler!: The epilogue is gonna be in Changmin's P.O.V.